It's Not Goodbye

By Kier Conn

A boy is trying to help his brother escape the same treatment at the hands of his father he did, so with a friend, they make a daring escape. But the darkness of their homes is replaced by a darkness in the larger world. The boys must reconcile their own feelings for one another that have been in the background because they were always under imm

• Language: English
• Publisher: kier conn
• Release date: Dec 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9798869084514

Book preview

TWO

They hadn't got near as far as Max had hoped. He'd worked out the Fiesta didn't want to go over forty-five miles an hour and needed rest breaks every thirty miles. It was getting dark when the car let Max know it was time for one of those rest breaks with a disconcerting cough and threatened to stall.

Just off the road, and too close to it for comfort, Max saw a falling-down old brick building just barely off the road that looked over a hundred years old and aimed for it seconds before the engine cut out. He'd coaxed enough momentum to get the car behind the building and out of sight. They were in the middle of nowhere, but not the one Max was aiming for.

They hadn't seen another car for miles. It was almost like they were the last people on the planet. Max sighed. Running with headlamps would flatten the battery, so this would be camp whether he liked it or not.

Noah was asleep, and Charlie was still trying to read with a torch.

I guess we stop here for tonight, said Max as if there might be another option.

Noah woke up, looked around, and yawned.

It's baltic, he said. I can see my breath.

Max winced because he hadn't known the heat in the car didn't function. Charlie hopped out of the car as soon as it creaked to a stop and ran off to get sticks and twigs and dry leaves for a fire.

How's he? asked Noah, hugging himself and trying to warm up.

I think he's worked out that we're not going back.

Well, our kid's a smart one.

Yeah.

They watched as Charlie arranged all his sticks and leaves and bigger pieces of wood into something between a campfire pile and a pagan ritual. Max and Noah wandered over.

I can get some rocks to rub together, Max started to say before Charlie reached deep into Max's jeans and stole a lighter, leaving his hand in the pocket a bit long with a smile on his face.

Mate, watch your fingers, yelped Max, laughing.

Charlie just grinned at him like a puppy dog caught pissing on the floor but still trying to be cute.

Noah walked back to the car. Charlie was blowing on the smouldering leaves. That somehow worked and it caught. Max hoped no cars drove by and got curious. They should have been way off the main roads by now.

Noah wandered back from the car with some beers and fags he'd nicked off his old man.

So, uhm, do we have scran? he asked. I'm bloody hungry.

Max gulped. He could see it clear as anything, the other bag he'd meant to grab with stuff to eat in it, sitting on the bed. He'd completely forgot it.

Shit, he said.

I got us, said Charlie. I figured you'd be forget, so I made us peanut butter and jam sandwiches. A whole mess of them.

Max laughed. A few years back they'd met an American exchange student Charlie's age. Charlie latched on to him and Max guessed that was the first kid he'd ever found a proper friend in. Charlie went from being a kid who would never touch a PB&J to practically eating nothing else because that was what his American friend always ate.

I think I'm that hungry, said Noah. He looked like a ten-year-old looking at a plate full of raw oysters.

Charlie wolfed his down and grabbed his sketchbook while Max and Noah enjoyed their dinner of PB&J and piss-warm, cheap, and probably expired beer.

Noah nudged Max and pointed at the sky.

Would you look at that? he said. Looks like a painting.

The sky was super dark, and the stars felt inches away. All Max could give was a sleepy wow. He was actually looking at Noah, but Noah was engrossed in the stars and had no clue. He looked proper fit with his hair long in the front like that. Max had mentioned that some years back when Noah cut it short, though he'd said it more like you look like a neo-Nazi chav when your hair is short. Noah had never cut it short again. Max wasn't sure if that was because his friend thought it looked good that way, or because he didn't want to get called a neo-Nazi again.

I gotta piss, said Noah. And I'm dead.

He wandered off. Max could see Charlie had fallen asleep on his drawing. It was a super detailed picture of a T-Rex that seemed to move in the flickering light of the dying campfire. Max pulled a blanket over him. Not taking his eye off that dinosaur, he leaned over Charlie and kissed him. He seemed to smile in his sleep.

Noah gave him a pat on the shoulder. Max jumped about three feet in the air.

Jesus, mate, you scared the life out of me.

Sorry.

I don't know, Noah, is this whole thing mad? What if we get caught and I just made everything so much worse?

Mate, you know as well as me you had to do something. Something to keep him safe. And I think you're forgetting to keep you safe, too, 'cos what hurts him hurts you, and what hurts you hurts me.

Max couldn't get over how Noah said that so succinct and was so right. He threw his nerves aside and gave Noah a tight hug and a light kiss, hoping he wouldn't freak out. But Noah just brushed his hair out of his eyes and smiled. Noah tipped his head to rest against Max's. That felt super nice.

One of us needs to stand watch, said Charlie, and this time both Max and Noah jumped.

We thought you were asleep, said Max.

You know I can't really unless you tell me a story.

Max blushed because Noah didn't know that he usually made up a story to tell Charlie before bed hoping if he made it sweet enough the nightmares wouldn't come. It didn't work a lot of the time.

Okay, said Max, but you gotta cover up that picture of the T-Rex. It's giving me the fucking creeps because it looks like it's moving.

That's legit scary, said Noah.

Charlie flipped to another picture and Max was pretty sure that the two dinosaurs on that page were a stegosaur (spiky one) and a triceratops (horny one). So he had his story characters. Max was super tired and he rarely drank so that one warm beer had made him even sleepier. He'd just do what he always did for Charlie, take a basic story meant for younger kids, and swap the people out for dinosaurs because those seemed less dangerous.

Max went on autopilot. He made up a story where the stego and the trike were the best of friends and one day realised that they were more than friends and fell in love. Before Max knew it, Charlie was snoring and Max realised he'd been staring right at Noah for the entire story.

For what seemed like ten minutes, Noah said nothing. He hopped up and said he had to piss again.

Too much beer, he muttered, tossing the second can.

Max poked the fire. Noah hadn't seemed to notice, so there was that. That was Noah, things like that usually sailed right over his head.

Max stared at the fire. He hadn't been this sleepy this early in forever.

It seemed like Noah had been gone too long so Max went to get up and check. He peeked around the shack to make sure there were no cars, half-expecting to see the Volvo. He saw nothing and looked around. Just when he was getting too far from the light of the fire for comfort, Noah jumped out from behind a tree and Max screamed.

Jesus, mate! That's gonna wake Charlie, said Noah, giving Max a playful shove.

Max dropped his head on Noah's shoulder.

You and I both know it won't. He's slept through worse.

Who's got first watch?

Max was dead, and couldn't stop himself from crying all over Noah's shirt. The day had just been way too much, and he feared what tomorrow had waiting for them. Noah hugged him, but being as clumsy as ever, Max lost his balance and toppled both of them over onto the dirt. He was right on top of Noah, staring him in the eyes.

It's gonna be okay, whispered Noah, playing with Max's hair. Okay? We're going to be okay. This is the right thing we're doing. And like I said, we got each other. Always have.

I sure as fuck hope so.

I know you're beat. I'll take the first watch. Get some sleep, mate.

Cheers. Just wake me when you get tired?

I'm too wired to sleep so I'll probably go til dawn and just crawl in with you for a couple hours if that's cool.

Yeah. Safe.

Noah helped Max up and put his hand on his shoulder, looking right into his eyes.

You sure you're good?

Because of you being here, yeah, and I hate to say it, because of Charlie, too.

We got each other. I kinda thought you knew that from the jump, it was never gonna be Max saves the world anymore than it was a 'dinosaur safari.'

Max nodded. It took all he had to make it back to the fire and snuggle up next to Charlie with an extra blanket. Usually, a couple nights or more a week Charlie wound up in Max's bed because of the nightmares. But tonight was different. It was like the before times.

That camping trip when they were little and had to share a sleeping bag. It felt safe despite them being in the middle of the forest with fuck knows what animals out there and maybe the worst person on the planet coming after them.

Noah found himself a spot just inside the edge of the fire's light. He made sure his back was up against the thickest tree he could find. He reasoned even a werewolf would have issues trying to grab him from behind because the tree was so big. Noah looked up and couldn't get his mind around just how clear the stars were. He'd never been out in the country like this, and that scared the piss out of him, so he focused on the good parts. Noah loved everything about stargazing and planets and stuff. He never could have imagined it would be this pretty up there in real life.

Noah looked over at Max and Charlie all snuggled up. Max was kind of like one of those big planets, full of tons of gravity to draw things in that were good and bad. Noah had always been one of those things that fell under the spell of his pull. They'd met when they were little and had always been friends. Max and Noah, and by extension Charlie, had been through more in those years than most people two or more times their age had. It has always been and always would be Charlie and Max and Noah.

Noah lit a fag. He didn't want to get sucked into the habit but it took his mind off of things and kept him awake. For all his talk, he wasn't sure they hadn't made a massive, stupid mistake. All he knew was he had more faith than any of those whacked-out Americans on TV had in their god that him and Max had been and could get through anything.

But there was also more to it than that. Noah had heard every bit of Max's dinosaur story. He coulda acted like he hadn't heard or taken a massive risk and spit out everything he felt. Noah hadn't missed Max's 'accidental' kiss, either, and kicked himself for ignoring it. He should have said something. If he was reading Max right.

Leaves rustled behind him. He jumped up. For the only time in his life, Noah wished he was an American because then he'd have at least one gun on him. Instead, he had a branch that would probably snap if he whacked anything bigger than a chipmunk. And whatever made that noise was definitely a fuck lot bigger.

Another branch cracked.

He froze for a minute. Noah held his breath. There was more rustling and something small and cat-sized ran away with the flick of a bushy tail. He let out a sigh and laughed.

It was getting light and he was getting cold and tired. Noah wandered back to the campfire with an extra blanket, crawled in with them, and curled up against Max and Charlie.

Max, half-asleep, whispered something that Noah could swear sounded a lot like love you. But he'd also just imagined a werewolf behind a tree. He wasn't sure which one scared him more.

THREE

Noah hadn't slept good. He'd shared a bed with Max many times and that was always nice. It took Noah forever to fall asleep normally, and in the morning the sheets were all over the place. With Max it was never a problem.

The hard ground made things suck. Noah would get set just right so his arm wasn't falling asleep and smush up against Max, and the instant he matched his breathing it was lights out. Then a stick would poke him and wake him right up. It was fucking infuriating.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Max was dead to the world. Charlie was already up and getting the fire back to life, still in his boxers. Noah dared to brush Max's hair and untangled himself from him, trying not to wake him. He pulled on his jeans and stumbled over to Charlie.

Aren't you freezing, mate? asked Noah.

Come over here, it's warm. I can't sleep in my clothes, it's too hot.

Noah joined him and Charlie gave him a cup of what looked like coffee, except there were crunchy bits in it.

Cheers, said Noah, instinctively looking around for milk because he had dump milk in to get coffee drinkable.

Sorry, mate, said Charlie, I don't know how to make coffee. I just found a shopping bag in the back of the Fiesta that someone forgot to take out a long time ago.

What else was in the bag?

Noah's mind went straight to a nice plate of ham and eggs.

Nothing you'd want. That sour stink in the car was because a jug of milk from months ago was in there and leaking out.

So much for Noah's dreams of milk. Charlie handed him a granola bar. Its expiry date was a year ago, but Noah was hungry. It was only a little chewy.

Fire is nice, innit? asked Charlie.

Yeah, safe, mate.

Noah would have fought that werewolf for milk to go with the coffee, but at least it was waking him up. Charlie laughed at him.

What?

You got enough bark in your hair to make a new tree. What happened on guard duty?

Nothing interesting, mumbled Noah. He reached up to discover a shocking amount of bark in his hair. That was probably what kept poking him while tried to sleep.

Here, said Charlie, hopping over to try to help. Jesus, mate, it's all tangled in knots.

After a lot of tugging and Noah yelping a bit, Charlie gave it a last brush and nodded approval.

Cheers, said Noah.

Charlie reached out and Noah almost jumped back, but he just wanted to play with his hair.

You're lucky you can let yours get so long and it still looks good, he said. Mine just goes wild. I'm proper jealous.

Yeah, but I wish mine was black like yours. I need to dye mine again. I look more fit with black hair.

Charlie kept playing with Noah's hair and it was both making him sleepy again and a little turned on. They sat in silence for a minute before Noah asked if they should wake Max. It was only half-eight, and he'd been proper knackered last night so they figured another hour of sleep would be good for him.

We're not going back, are we? Charlie said, more like it was a fact than a question.

No.

So you gonna tell me what's up?

Charlie started rubbing Noah's neck, and he shifted a bit because it felt good. And, this was more a question for Max than for him.

He's trying to keep you safe, he finally said, I mean, from, you know how Melvin can get.

Charlie said nothing for a minute, then got up and put on a hoodie and his jeans and Nikes. Noah let out a breath, a bit glad the massage was over because it was confusing him.

It was getting a little cold, Charlie said, even though I hate wearing stuff when I wake up. How many pets do you think I've had since mum died two years ago?

I don't know. You always seemed to have something different every other month.

My first was a goldfish I named Emma, after mum. She was pretty like her and graceful. I was super nervous about taking care of her but I watched lots of videos and did everything right. It was so awesome to just watch her swim around, I really loved her. She didn't make it two months because something went wrong with the chemicals. Melvin got super mad and told me no more fish. Then – and you can't tell Max I know this – he smacked Max around for spending all that money to get the aquarium and shit.

Jesus, mate.

Charlie waited a minute.

Noah, I didn't fuck up the chemicals. I checked. Almost all the chlorine had gone missing.

Melvin did that?

Noah wanted to throw up. This was maybe even worse than hitting the kid.

Jesus.

And it was a day or two later, remember I had you meet us at A&E because Melvin woke up super ill, all dizzy and shit, and wound up in hospital?

Yeah.

Guess where the last of the chlorine went.

Shit, mate.

I didn't think it would hurt him that bad. But he deserved it.

Noah didn't know what to say. He was well sure Charlie was lying about not thinking it would hurt Melvin. But the wanker more than deserved it, even before Noah knew about the fish.

Don't tell Max. I never did that again. Except with shit pills. He got literally shitfaced a bunch of times. It got so bad I saw him buying adult nappies.

Noah burst out laughing. He could totally see it, the fat fuck sitting on his piss-stained sofa with a warm lager, wearing nothing but a beer-stained t-shirt and a nappy with pictures of cats on it.

Then there was my chihuahua, Lucy. Somehow she got into the rat poison under the kitchen sink even though we kept that locked up tight. And my parakeet, Bishop, it must have escaped because I must have left the cage door loose. By the time I got the turtle Melvin didn't even try to hide it. Stomped on him right in front of me because I got suspended for sleeping in class.

Jesus.

Noah wanted to throw up.

Charlie said, I always knew I didn't have to beat the old man in a fight. I just had to last long enough that Max could get me out of there, and that's what this is, innit?

Noah nodded. He could feel tears coming and was struggling to keep them in.

I always knew Max would do that because he's the best bro anyone could have. I was always just scared that one of these fights he'd get himself killed.

Jesus, mate, how do you sleep at all with that in your head every night?

Noah put his hand on Charlie's shoulder, and the kid scooted closer so he could hug him.

It helps to know even if something happened to Max you'd be right there, too. There was times when they got into it so bad I almost rang you since then it'd be two against one.

Noah just sat there. It was one thing to know how bad things were for Max and Charlie, and totally different to hear it from Charlie. The kid was still not even seventeen and his life was hell.

I've never told anyone all that, whispered Charlie. Not even Max.

He sniffled. Noah squished up next to him and gave him a tight hug. They just sat like that for a while until his tears stopped.

Noah's stomach didn't feel right. He needed to go somewhere and puke but wasn't about to let go of Charlie. Things were way worse than he had thought. Even as close as he was to them he had no clue just how bad things were in that house.

This was why Max took the biggest risk of all. He was trying to stop someone from getting killed, because Noah was pretty sure if Melvin ended Charlie that would be the end of Melvin, too. Charlie would make sure of it.

Max sat up and groaned.

Stays between us, right? whispered Charlie. Noah nodded.

Charlie muttered, And you know this all isn't just about me, don't you?

Before Noah could answer, Max sat down next to them and shivered.

Morning, he said. You guys look tense. What's up?

Just stressing, said Noah. I gotta piss.

Go grab the map from the car while you're at it.

Noah stood and stretched. He was hungry as fuck. All he'd eaten in twenty-four hours was three PB&Js and he didn't care if he never ate another one. He went further away than necessary, out of sight of the others, and just started puking up nothing. He went so hard it made tears roll down his face.

…

Sleep good? Max asked Charlie.

Yeah, better than home. I guess you did too, you're always up before me normally.

I'm still so fucking wiped. And I really fucked up with the food.

I don't have a ton of those sandwiches left. I thought we'd just be gone for a night, even though I hoped I was wrong. I never thought you'd be mad enough to do all this. So cheers for that. Even if we starve to death.

Max snorted and said it would be okay, but he wasn't so sure. Twenty-four hours ago he'd pictured this whole thing going different. Noah shuffled back, looking shattered.

I can't find the bloody map, said Noah, and I tore the car apart looking for it. At least I found two packs of stale M&M’s so we have something to eat.

Max could see that map sitting on his desk and was well sure it was still sitting right there. Unless Melvin had found it. The only good thing here was the old man hated cops, and the feeling was mutual. He'd never get them involved. It would raise way too many questions.

Things were about to get ten times worse.

I got service on my phone, Charlie said. Where are we headed?

Shit, said Max. You brought your phone?

He was trying super hard not to get mad. Everything was falling apart because he'd tried to trick Charlie into thinking this would be an adventure and not a jailbreak. It was Max's fault.

He can track us, breathed Max. He put apps on our phones. Me and Noah left ours and I paid too much money to some guy I didn't know to get me a burner phone Melvin didn't know about.

I deleted that app, Charlie said. Months ago.

That's not the real app, it's a decoy. For once he paid to get the best.

They'd had two things going for them. Melvin didn't know where they were going and didn't know where they were. Both things were gone.

I'm sorry, said Charlie.

He tossed his iPhone on the fire.

It's not your fault, it's mine, said Max. I was stupid to not just tell you the deal. I shoulda trusted you more.

Noah judged the phone was melted enough that no one could find anything on it and kicked sand on the fire.

We gotta go. Now, he said.

They threw everything into the car. Noah made one last pass to make sure they hadn't left trash behind. For once, the Fiesta came to life right away.

Max really didn't know where they were going now. He remembered enough of the map to know the plan was to go maybe forty miles further along this road and take a left, which meant they better take the first right they saw and hope it was a good road. Max spent near as much time checking the rearview as he did looking at the road, fully expecting to see the Volvo racing up behind them. If Melvin caught up to them in the middle of nowhere, that would be the end of that.

FOUR

Max got about a half mile down a nearly invisible road before he couldn't take Charlie's sobbing anymore.

I'm so fucking stupid, yelled Charlie. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Max pulled over.

Can you take over driving? he asked Noah. Charlie needs me.

Noah nodded.

Let's just add fear of plummeting off a cliff to our list of things to be scared of, he muttered. He'd failed his test once again just two weeks ago.

Max pulled Charlie tight and got him calmed.

You're not fucking stupid, he whispered. Okay? It's my fault, not yours.

After two more miles with Noah driving like he was in GTA and five near misses with trees, Max finally yelled at him to stop.

Can we talk? he asked Noah. Charlie, stay in the car.

I'm part of this, too, said Charlie. So fuck you for trying to leave me out of it. If you hadn't done that in the first place we wouldn't be here.

Well fuck all, said Max.

He's not fucking wrong! yelled Noah.

So what? It's all fucked to fucking hell and fucking back, said Max, grabbing his hair.

He paused for a minute while they stared at him.

Right, said Max. we can just turn around and hope Melvin got drunker than usual. But Noah, you're not going back home because if he comes after me and Charlie, we're gonna need all the help we can get. Hell, bring your cousin over, too.

Trust me, mate, you do not want Sam involved in this.

What's the worst that could happen? He's twice the size of Melvin, it won't last five minutes. Sam's been to jail before and he'd sure as fuck do it to help you.

He won't put Melvin in hospital, Max, he'll put him in the fucking ground. And-

This ends, mate, screamed Max, for good, one way or the other, don't you fucking see that-

Even if he doesn't, then what?! It's fucking coppers and social workers and you won't get to see Charlie again. You really want that? You want your blood taken care of by someone else's mum and dad, you want Charlie to find a new brother?

What the fuck do you suggest, mate? Because we're well fucked as far as I can see. And maybe it is for the best if Charlie goes to some nice normal family that treats him right. At least that way one of us will have survived it.

Max and Noah stared at each other. They hadn't got this close to blows, ever. Then Charlie started screaming shut the fuck up so loud they both jumped back. Charlie looked at them.

If we go back there, I will kill him myself, said Charlie. No one would know. Just like with all my pets.

Max had to open the door fast. What little scran he had left in him was coming up fast all over the dusty road.

Noah put