No Lights on the Horizon - In Battle with Refracted Images of 'Self'

By Kgosi-Ngaka Se Nesa Pula Thabang Rasetoko Mangwane

THE BEGINNING OF NO LIGHTS ON THE HORIZON– IN BATTLE WITH REFRACTED IMAGES OF 'SELF'
A Man's Grandfather took him to a Spiritual Leader of an Apostolic church. The Spiritual Leader was dressed in a white cloak printed a head of a Lion on his back in Royal-blue stitches, with a Royal-blue rope tight three-times around his waist.
There was a cue of women dressed in white, kissing the spiritual leader's ring on his left finger, turn by turn.
The Man's Grandfather said, "Here's the Son."
The Spiritual Leader walked outside, the Son thus followed him as he took a sit on a stool.
The Spiritual Leader then said, "Let me give you an order …"
As He listened attentively to what the Spiritual Leader was about to say, his uncle, a priest, disrupted by saying, "Don't listen to this Old-man!"

THE END OF NO LIGHTS ON THE HORIZON– IN BATTLE WITH REFRACTED IMAGES OF 'SELF'
A Man's Grandfather held his left-hand, took a walk with him to a hill of a mountain facing the Ocean shore. When they glanced at the Ocean, A Mermaid raised a big wave, floated on top of it. As the wave raised, the mermaid floated on top of the lower waters of the wave as a transparent body of Man made out of Water. Then the Mermaid dived back into the Ocean, and swam away; as drops of Water from the body fell down, was left a collapse of Man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Earth Not Above
• Release date: Dec 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223274858

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KGOSI-NGAKA SE NESA PULA THABANG RASETOKO MANGWANE

NO LIGHTS ON THE HORIZON – IN BATTLE WITH REFRACTED IMAGES OF ‘SELF’

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Text © Thabang Mangwane 2020

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I

No Lights on the Horizon – In Battle with Refracted Images of ‘Self’ is inspired by a Healer whose ancestral calling was triggered by depression and anxiety. Thus, a thesis was archived throughout the path to the Healer’s destination point of being spiritually matured or found.

The following are archived manuscripts: (I THE BEGINNING, II LIBERATION, III PURIFICATION, IV DIVISION, V LAW & VI THE END) – the Healer conceptualized and captured whilst on the path to spiritual maturity. To expose darkness to light – by simply highlighting what is considered controversial topics or subjects of life with questions that appear to have no accurate answers. Or rather, the cliché part of life: reality – ruled by the unseen: spirituality; a subject modern human beings are scared or afraid to attempt to seek. Perhaps due to the fear of the truth, or what is soon to be discovered through the experiment aimed to find out the purpose of God seems to be a big deal, or an uncomfortable idea. 

With Light, Tree, and Water – through open dialogue, humans naturally face intangible matters from birth: Belief, Health, or aspects that make up the human body: Soul, Mind, Spirit, and Body transpire to be off balance by default. The archived manuscripts define and highlight clear ideas of these specified aspects that make up the human body consist of, or in a better sense, what drives the human body as a component created by some supernatural being, I’d like to name in this instance, a Creator or a God.

II

Africa lacks innovation, modern contemporary content for the mentally unstable or victims of mental conditions titled disorders to write a story of their dreams or reality that they feel they cannot yet, or denied the freedom or independence of comprehension due to the lack of space. I think that way, we can solve more of society’s issues, triggered by an expression brought forward as a document called a thesis turned into a conversation.

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III

No Lights on the Horizon – In Battle with Refracted Images of ‘Self’ is an independent institution focused on enlightening millennials with scenes to narrate but feel like the traditional form of expression is not welcomed by current circumstances hosted by reality. It creates a platform for the next generations of Africans who’d like to change the world or create a future by documenting their stories, and reaching the audience summoned by the thesis through the correct channelling of publishing and distribution – where networking between the author and his audience is viable. 

IV

No Lights on the Horizon – In Battle with Refracted Images of ‘Self’ focuses on raw, authentic stories that appear to be youth’s modern life struggles. But leaders of the world are lately concentrating on economics and power rather than the state of well-being: health. Our focus has shifted away from basic principles of life: Peace and Love. 

The thesis aims to spark simple conversations triggered by prior mentioned manuscripts that bring forth light to victims of any intangible modern struggles. i.e., mental struggles, ill health, and spirituality. 

V

No Lights on the Horizon – In Battle with Refracted Images of ‘Self’ in at least the next generation, should be a well-established institution house of Dreamers, Spiritual gifts, and Talent aimed to empower the youth or millennials through stories that may have been buried or messengers felt unease to express content to the world or any publishing house since most of the titles that revolve around mental illness, Spirituality, well-being, freedom, love, or peace are unavailable, or perhaps perception is brought forward in a very Western tradition – a tradition Africans cannot relate, fail to comprehend, therefore eventually not resolute. 

The thesis Self’ would have launched and established a new era of literature that would have modernized and made it a norm for local authors’ projects to be converted to other types of Art. A variety of audience; maybe also subtle since it is content that welcomes the audience to converse about their mental struggles that matter and play a massive role in their reality. Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Consumption of drugs, and homelessness need to be brought to an end, not through the economic eye but the eye of well-being and initiation of healing through Spirituality.

All these disorders are present since we as a country don’t believe enough in ourselves to the extent where we give up everything to follow our dreams to a reality of healing brought forth by Spirituality. Live a life filled with peace and love regardless of how much capital is invested in someone’s last name or bank account.

Civilization is not supposed to be based on new technologies. It is supposed to consider the health of a human being before external parts of the world that distract us from peace: consumption of Raw materials, Mineral Resources, Politics, Economics, and, therefore, Power! A mere human should have him/herself ejected from a world ruled by prior mentioned topics since they bring nothing to existence but greed and suffering. 

For instance, if we are so civilized and the most advanced human beings to ever exist in all life, how is it that we fail to prevent climate change now but maybe in the next fifty years? We’re dying now, or it is affecting people’s livelihoods today, not then, and I’m afraid the human population might be no more when we get to the 2050 Agenda. Maybe we’ll realize at death that we have lost the most fundamental principle of being a human; we would have polluted Mother-nature for slavery and not have become one with nature but in conflict with it. Which I find to be absurd since nature gave us birth. 

It is time to let Spirituality lead to humanity – only then can we make no mistakes but build a life that Mother Nature supports, therefore conserving the energy of humans on Planet Earth. Otherwise, we face an age of human extinction posed by human disobedience.

We can save ourselves and all diseases treated with legal drugs can put medication to ease through writing and reading. The author has gone through immense situations to realize that we must have a frank conversation – a contemporary way to consciousness through Spirituality. That is how Africa had lived before colonization: promoted by civilization, lawlessness, hopelessness, and a world of disbelief.

Where we can exercise consciousness to be fit enough to maintain and overcome challenges brought forth by life, for innovation in accord to Spirituality, therefore humanity. 

We need to self-introspect not based on Western culture as a mirror but as a mirror of Africanism. That’s how we can save the existence of human lives and get to the most significant destination unimagined.

Through projecting light up to the publisher stage, I’ve learned how difficult it is for an African to stay alive and live a life of free will and under God’s law. These are evil days, and the world is made up of sins; therefore, ought to be ended by anarchy. I find myself fortunate enough to be chosen and have abundant wisdom to survive: spot the difference between life and death situations.

To fast-forward time, no African has to go through what I had to go through: distinguish between a life of sin and a life of purity through suffering, where healing originates, therefore, the perseverance of a human.

I

THE BEGINNING

THE BOOK OF BEGINNINGS DESCRIBES CREATION, THE FIRST REBELLIONS AGAINST GOD, AND GOD’S CHOOSING OF THE ONE AND HIS OFF-SPRING.

A dark lord ruled Man’s sub-consciousness. That influenced Man’s consciousness to believe in the non-real. Things from a different dimension inserted into Man’s sub-consciousness influenced actions put into practice from the darkness. In reality, he acted absurd and lost his mind, but believed in it to be truths, while it was darkness, a lie. Scenes curated in dreams by a dark lord from a dark realm ruled reality. A Man walked around the streets lost in mind, with nowhere to belong. The memory of Man had been erased. And that’s what it is to be pure, to lose your mind, to go insane! Everything, therefore, became unknown to the consciousness of Man. Well, that’s what the calling demanded in accord with the initiation of Man’s rebirth.

LIGHT

THE PROPHET

A Man was running away from a group of White armed Military Men. As He ran, He climbed a green Tree to hide on top of it and realized he was going to be exposed, perhaps shot to death. He climbed off, continued to run, and reached a River where Black Mothers and Daughters were washing clothes with their bare hands.

He surpassed the River-shore unto the other side. The group of White armed Military Men approached closer to the position of Mothers and Daughters at the River, although a few meters afar from them; they began to shoot every Black Mother and Daughter present at the River.

Black Mothers and Daughters started to scream and disperse. Bodies dropped to the ground next to the River-shore, some in the River; blood spilled on the floor and into the River; they were all shot to death –thus, the Water in the River turned Red.

HYPOCRISY

BODY

The body of Man lives in a reality monitored by society.

DARKNESS

Darkness consumes, Light gives.

REFLECTIONS

An age of humans where digital is the new dream.

REALITY AND DREAMS

Dreams don’t come true; they are true.

EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING

You know it’s real when your quotes make you question yourself.

THE SHAPE OF WATER

Explore your mind – it's the universe.

INSANITY

White people's dreams are simple: Never let the Black fuckers know who they are!

WORLDS

You’ll always destroy a world that’s not your home because it isn’t your home!

DARKNESS

They sailed to Africa, we showed them love and our motherland, they sabotaged us since they're a heartless race, they took away our Kings and we’re left clueless. We took them into our homes and showed them that every window is a different scene outside, surrounded by nature. They launched a Windows program and programmed us to stare at laptops while they take away land. Now, this program runs the screens of capitalist businesses and households. And it's considered the most successful. It's not rocket science, everything is connected.

Nothing makes sense; every subject unfolds in unique ways that the ‘Self’ finds strange. An idea foreign to ‘Self,’ to have taken ‘Self’ to the jungle only to wake up someday and realize that everything has changed. Yet, when ‘Self’ looks back, everything stays the same daily. To discover the ‘Self’ is not a linear function; like in the jungle, the ‘Self’ loses the way – a starting point. A point where ‘Self’ saw a ‘refracted’ image of ‘Self,’ yet it appeared to be a clear reflection. For ‘Self’ to have stayed inspired to write this, moments are expressed; most moments have been of fear. ‘Self’ has a particular image in mind of the man ‘Self’ would like to grow to be. Now that ‘Self’ has discovered the man and the purpose of thee on Earth, ‘Self’ remains scared in a place so small yet so big; ‘Self’ can lose and find the man repeatedly. 

‘Self’ at least understands that life consists of four elements: Water, Soil, Fire, and Air. ‘Self’ can drown, get swallowed by the soil, burn, or run out of breath. With these being such sacred elements, they can be good or bad. It depends on how ‘Self’ lives life; it depends on the pattern of future steps of ‘Self’ takes. ‘Self’ follows the footsteps of those that have walked a distance for ‘Self’ before to create a platform, but the tracks have become blurry for ‘Self’ took quite some time to know which direction to head to. 

For as long as the memory within ‘Self’ seem to exist, chaotic sounds that makeup music and obscure words have kept ‘Self’ sane and, most importantly, alive. Chaotic sounds put together to form a masterpiece which caused ‘Self’ bodily parts to react in strange moves(dance) never thought possible; this led to ‘Self’ reaching out obscure words in the vocabulary of man to describe or document what has been projected in mind. With the hope that someday day, it will help ‘Self,’ even to a point where it can relate and understand a role commanded to be at play without direct instructions. That seems to be the least of ‘Self’ issues, in any case. What worries ‘Self’ is if there is enough potential to reach the envisioned greatness; however, ‘Self’ has to complete the task. Sometimes when ‘Self’ thinks about it, ‘Self’ gets excited. Sometimes the heart beats fast as a sign of fear, perhaps since the pre-determined dreams of ‘Self’ are that great. No Lights on the Horizon – In Battle with Refracted Images of ‘Self’ will help ‘Self’ determine the puzzled image that appears whenever ‘Self’ reads. This vision got to ‘Self’: Once upon a time, a man was hunting Lions in a vast forest, waiting for prey under a Tree. A Samurai approached and stabbed him with a Sword on the umbilical cord, down to his stomach and the appendix. The hunter collapsed to the ground; his senses were affected. He temporarily loses his sense of sound, sight, and smell. It hit him as an abstracted motion image through a dream a few nights after that day, Finish your manuscript so that you can have a depth understanding of yourself.

REFLECTIONS

No Lights on the Horizon can be used to solve life’s struggles; and that was life moments that were written passing through the space portal between my mind and senses. Where I found sense and wrote all those six books to save lives of thee that didn’t know that you are your own medicinal being therefore heal yourself through being not immune but susceptible.

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To live in a world where reflections are instead refractions, the ‘Self’ gets confused and lost within the world. The world’s reality appears twisted; to ‘Self,’ it looks dark and grey. ‘Self’ seems to have built its hell. ‘Self’ has woken up from a dream yet struggles to spot the differences between reality and dreams.

As humans, we live in the same space but different realities – your reality is not mine, mine is not yours, but we are in the same area. The book reveals all the necessary aspects of life – such as growth, depression, anxiety, consciousness, and sub-consciousness; how the ‘self’ reacted to these subjects.

Change is inevitable; avoiding it will only prolong the inevitability. Growth requires change, and the ‘Self’ is never ready for development; it is always new. So, to adapt, ‘Self’ must compromise, where all that is expected from ‘Self’ ask for the loss of the old self. A part of ‘self’ not prepared to be given away due to the fear of the idea of new and unknown. Thus, depression starts to develop. The mind takes over the body, ‘Self’ becomes substantial to ‘Self’ and turns to dysfunction. Then, nothing seems to matter anymore. ‘Self’ starts to suffer from anxiety attacks due to the fear of being unable to achieve anything. ‘Self’ is anxious about the environment and the energy it hosts. There is so much ‘Self-doubt that the heart starts to beat rapidly, and with utmost power, the brain tries to convince itself that everything is okay, but the heart is tired of false hope, so it stops, and ‘Self’ goes ahead and collapses.

With the consciousness of ‘Self’ being a part of this, in this case, being aware of the environment and acquiring a perception of the things around, everything feels unpleasant. It does not necessarily mean it is a pain; it is just a perception of things. Yet, there is pain, but it is within; in other words, what exists, in reality, is only a result of what the mental-state hosts.

‘Self’ attempts to find an escape, where ‘Self’ is forced to consume a substance, which later becomes an addiction. Life as ‘Self’ knows it has shifted; it is a strange place. What the ‘Self’ thinks seems like it does not exist or is unreal, and starts to lose mere sanity. When ‘Self’ closes its eyes to try to find some sleep since the woke world (reality) feels too bitter, ‘Self’ enters a battlefield of war as thousands of voices in the consciousness of ‘Self’ clamor for attention. Each voice is a different type of conflict, where neither supports the other. ‘Self’ stays awake, and before it pays attention to time, birds are tweeting outside – it is sunrise. ‘Self’ did not get enough rest, which harms the day. Everything seems pointless; the ‘Self’ has no idea what to do. ‘Self’ exists only in its state and is out of sync with reality or the environment. ‘Self’ is mentally unfit to go outside; it feels like it will be unable to handle ‘Self’ in public. ‘Self’ is scared and very anxious. If enough time is spent in this state, ‘Self’ begins to view thee as not good enough for anything, and ‘Self’ feels unappreciated or worthless. Suicidal thoughts emerge, becoming the endgame – at least that is the perception of ‘Self.’ When the only world or reality ‘Self’ has belonged has faded away with time. It was all the norm, the known world to consciousness. The consciousness layer of the mind cannot reach beyond the unknown. ‘Self’ starts to feel like there is nothing else for thee.

Questions in the mind start rumbling loudly, Why are you here? You are in so much pain and scared to ask for help. So, what if they judge you or feel uncomfortable around you? You don’t want to push anybody away. What would you recommend you do, then? You don’t only feel lonely; you are naked and alone in the dark. You are breaking down; it’s hell in there; get out! Tears are falling, but everybody thinks you are fine. You want to leave this place and go where? Who said you don’t belong here?

I’ve been in the dark for so long, hoping that the second sun will burn away the mist because the first sun has failed.

Where is your mind? I seem to have lost it somewhere along the way, I am at war! But with who, yourself? It’s a self-conflict; I feel like a prisoner of my thoughts in a four-walled cage. I am not even free from myself. Living in such a painful world is so strange, yet I understand that existence is pain. So, you know what, I will try not to breathe because hell doesn’t get better. What it is now, it will be for infinity. Those I feel care for me check up on me, trying to creature comfort me, but I realize there is no hope in this; this is the big never. I hallucinate and become like the dreamers that forget that reality exists. Thus, to form and void, I listen and try to build a home. With some advice, I fall in love; I realize love will tear us apart. Maybe it’s my attitude to remind myself what it feels like to belong; I should have more of you. As a result, I find myself seeking answers at the bottom of an alcohol bottle, having an intimate conversation with a broken face, faces I only recognize at night because they appear different in daylight. It became too much for me to figure out, so I let it go. I found myself in the valley of death, which at this level of my life, I understand. At least I am honest with myself. There are no lights on the horizon, I create my light in the valley of darkness, and now that I feel found in this valley of death; when will the walk end?

REALITY AND DREAMS

I doubt that miracles will happen again in this lifetime. Maybe in a lifetime of the next Era of humans. People's Spirituality is absent, they won't be able to see someone walk on top of water. You require your Spirituality to be present in order to see that.

I escaped a maze I was trapped in; now I’m discovered to design and build my reality. 

I thought that to have escaped the maze, I’d find myself in a world I had created, but I had not yet completed it – I had only run to an open field. And now that I’m there, I find the need to design and build my ideal reality.

It will inform you how imagining and creating my reality took or gave. It was more about losing the false ‘self’ and figuring out a true ‘self.’ You will, at your perception, find that it was more about losing the mind, the psychological state or form – in a sense that I’ve located my true ‘self’ at the end, but within ‘self’ I’ve discovered the Mind, Body, Spirit, and Soul.

I mostly speak of the mind before everything else, i.e., body, spirit, and soul – as I’ve taken the mind as the captain or the controller of all that my psyche has in the form of a whole self. I’ve discovered preconceptions, conceptions, and distant-future conceptions in creating my reality – Insanity, seeking the spirit, advice, love, character, parents, and family. 

Delusions and illusions that the mind projected as visuals in my head that would turn out to be ghosts or demons that have to be battled with. Not physically but psychologically and spiritually. Consciousness and sub-consciousness are discovered and well intact with the mind, every decision, or rather an action, is of both consciousness and sub-consciousness, if not one. Subconsciously, dreams are affected, maybe as somewhat being lost in the illusion that they’re fixed, consciously – perhaps at some points, content would be oppressed or suppressed, which I’d say the creativity came out in the form of dreams. Although sometimes, as an artist, I would realize that I Am Not Content. Vibrations emitted by the universe, to me, I feel at this level of my life, I have to share, maybe to help those out there, that I may not know, but be familiar with, in a parallel world, for my writings or visuals, help, as a reaching out a hand. To help or give a clue that life, or being alive, is not an easy task, and it does not have to be any way than how you are and create it to be for yourself. 

Spirit is a part of ‘Self’ as the mind is, but convinced that reason is the controller or the captain of everything; it does not accept what it doesn’t want to consider regardless of how spiritually connected with the higher self, how it can communicate with the gods, who share with God – in the form of a prayer, with eyes closed, sometimes, where ‘Self’ talks to the gods or mother-nature itself. When ‘Self has not had much material in possession, but only ‘Self,’ and a sufficient number of spiritual members, where the mind questions everything – maybe the ‘Self’ has been superstitious at some moments. Superstition is caused by doubt or not enough belief in oneself. I am using it as an excuse for everything that makes thee anxious. Worrying about things that don’t exist in reality, which I figured, does me no good but causes me stress based on nothing. It should not be anything more than what I think it is, not what they say it is – as a reasonably spiritually gifted being reading the bible for the first time; sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and become biased. And I always remember that I must also write my spiritual book to explore more of my mind. 

I receive every type of advice, although every tiny bit of it is hostile. Then I’d ask myself, Is all this advice coming to me because I am in the process of creating my world? Could it be that people feel threatened that I won’t need them anymore, maybe? in my world, which at this level of my life, is only a thought, in the form of imagination. I understand that a false perception of myself to them is only a fault of how I portrayed myself as an image. 

My path is intercepting with; I’d say, the love of my life, fairly. Maybe everything had fallen apart, or, instead, perhaps after, I brought down the wall that had kept me held back from reaching my best potential. She understands me so well more than I get to understand myself, sometimes; just when I think to myself, I’m grown now! then I bump into her in my dreams, where she threatens my creativity, my inner child – the artist in me; if I’ve got enough strength and will-power to pursue and possess all that I want every time I say I’m a star? Now I have met another form of myself, a star. I feel like together; we can be more like the Sun and Moon. My future has never been thoughtfully discussed or much clearer; Love still lives. I’m just scared at this point; I’d say, relatively, it is the greatest, and I have to learn to live with it! I come in many forms, if not all; she’s my universe where my imaginable world, my insanity, is understood. 

Thinking that I had created an image and made it clear to whoever I am, who I am. But I had not, yet. I had only erased what they thought or what I thought I was, but not. Now going through the journey, my character is questioned or instead tested in weapons, which come in the form of conversations. Like, Who am I? Oh, snap! I am who I think I am in my mind, not in reality. Although sometimes I become who I realize I’m not in open conversations that don’t complement my energy well. Then I start to get frustrated or lose my temper again; I am tired! How long is this reality going to take to reach a level of being complete? Then I realize I should let it go; conversations don’t mean anything. Well, they do; it’s just that these types of the world I’m in are nothing to me. I want to talk about creativity all the way and things that matter. Well, I mean in my world – which is only an imagination at this level of my life. 

My parents, mother, as her first son, thought that I was a black sheep because I didn’t pick up her phone calls or anybody’s – or my type of passion was toxic; a girl being my closest friend because she understands, and my younger two brothers test or threaten my position sometimes. Or they generally think I’m weird because I’m always in my zone, most of the times relaxed, but get frustrated when poked. When I give out advice, they don’t understand it yet. Because maybe my way of thinking is way different from theirs. The little things or things in general that they think matter, but they don’t, to me. Or I think it’s small-minded to think in ways that they do because they end up generally judging me in, most times, a negative manner. Because, in my mind, money solves almost everything. And I’m afraid their thinking won’t get us out of this poverty. I think mine will, reasonably – because where I’m from has nobody I wish or want to be like. Maybe no place does. But I’ve looked around; our thinking brings forth all this poverty. I guess we shall find out if I’m bad-crazy or good-crazy. Maybe they’ll understand me later, or never. 

I know and understand that it’s breath-taking to understand me, or anything really – but maybe hence only a few of us are gifted with life to live and try to understand. Only to wake up someday with a smile, realizing that we know life but die the next day when our fate is met. Chasing our dreams or having reached them does not necessarily bring sense to life, but it makes it simpler and sometimes beautiful. 

Like the stars or the Moon that only appear at night to serve their purpose through peace every night, Stars and the Moon come out or are more visual at night, when most of us are asleep, deep within dreams, I can say the Moon and the stars give birth to or make dreams possible – because they guard and protect the night. And I’ve found within my spiritual journey that I bring out buried-alive dreams in people simply because I’m a star.

EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING

Stop behaving like a child, and think that by putting people first means care. It doesn’t. Why would it mean care if you don’t care for yourself by putting other people first before you? Take a responsibility: put yourself first, then you'll realize the need to establish a foundation of core moralities and grow! A person that puts other people first is hostile. I’m not saying be selfish, I'm saying put yourself first.

As an entire controller of my being, when I get up in the morning closer to noon because I like to shorten my day that way, waking up late so the day is shorter, I’m convinced it’ll limit how long I lose my sanity before I know it, I find myself staring at the Sun till it sets. I’m getting up, under a loss of memory that I’ve forgotten that a mirror has existed for Twelve months. Now that the thought sparked, I go to the mirror, stare at myself and think, Damn, we look like shit! We’re horrible, crusty, and not good-looking at all.

I tell myself, It’s whatever; I’ll go outside; the light is bright. When I exit the house and look down to the left, I realize I have a shadow that reflects differently from a reflection. I’m much better looking in my shadow. Well, that depends; I’m a skinny young man with an ugly-shaped head. Well, I think it’s a weapon – sometimes it attacks me. Where is the muscle at? I shouldn’t worry about the small things, the material. I should worry about what’s inside. How I look is a perception of myself; maybe I don’t look so bad after all. It’s just a shadow – so it is a reflection. How I see it is my perception. I think I look great. If I don’t, I guess it’s easy to look sharp when you haven’t done any work.

I, myself, which consists of the psyche: Mind, Soul, Body, and Spirit; carrying all these four components by myself, sometimes I feel like they’re on my shoulders or rather my back because when I feel like I’ve rested, I wake up with more ache on my back. I must not be doing so well. Or much worse than I thought. I thought I got this; I was off-balance. Sometimes I’m in doubt because I’m convinced my mind runs the show, but I need to hold it back and let my soul fall into my lover’s solar plexus to ease out and take a break from everything. It feels overloaded, and I’m close or near to a relapse, which I can’t afford to do. Not now. Not when my projects are finally almost starting to take off.

I used to have mental breakdowns almost daily. Every day I’d wake up knowing I would reach a point where my mind shuts down. An issue where my mind relapses, and I end up doing things I thought I quit twelve hours ago. I’d always fail and fail. At least now things aren’t bad. I lose my mind several times a day, but at least sunlight looks like sunlight now. Although when the Sun sets, I know my demons are waiting for me at blind-spot corners, where I can’t see or am unaware. But at least I can put up a fight now. But how long does the dream take? I don’t know how long I can take no more. I’m not asking to blow up by one book or make millions, and I want to start, do motivational talks, and get a pure-vivid reflection of myself; I’m tired of being tired.

My soul dances as she says, I’m on my way! I keep looking outside the window to check if she’s here yet within 5 minutes, although she lives plus-minus thirty minutes away. As a reflection, I look at myself and think, Fuck, let me try self-care and bath today. Although initially, I wasn’t going to bathe that day. But my soul is dancing in joy; suddenly, the demons in my head are fading as time moves closer to her arrival. I take a quick bath in my tiny room that I’ve abandoned to my younger brother. I figured the couch would do. I’m not at a point where I can sleep on a bed and have sweet dreams. Although I think I’m quarter to.

When she arrives, I suddenly smile like a little child, have crazy conversations, or most of the time, intellectual ones for so long that we forget to hug. As we chill outside and stare at the Moon, I feel my blood warming up from the energy that her voice carries. I rush, lean closer, and kiss her; we end up having sex under the stars. That’s how high the energy we share is beautiful. She’d say, We don’t deserve what’s happening between us; it’s too beautiful for any human. I’d say, But we’re it – so we should deserve it.

I visit my friend, and he tells me of his mental breakdown; he’s losing his mind. I joined his soccer team practice that week. Exercise early, at 6 am and 5 pm. I practiced once and once more; my whole body was sore when I woke up the next day. I told myself, I’ll break through. But that’s how unhealthy or unfit I was. I hadn’t been physical in like six years. To a point where I was in a soccer match two days later, I took myself out because I felt like my body was going to shut down. I couldn’t even speak for a moment; I felt like I was going to faint because my body was out of breath. My lungs screamed in pain; I had to stop, Quit! I figured life has been profound and breathtaking, literally.

I shifted from having crazy dreadlocks, and looking like a Rastafari, to going bald because of my spiritual journey. I realized later that I was losing hair. But my life had taken a considerable turn, asking myself, Why am I doing this? Do I have to do it? I found myself tear-dropping; my higher form had finally been in contact with my seven guardian angels. Hanging around people like myself, sometimes I think they’re biased, or maybe I’m arrogant – a conversation I never wanted to have or sometimes not participate in because I can’t relate. But so, I’m there; I should keep on seeking meaning, purpose, or whatever. Because at the end of the day, I’m only here for myself. I heard a preacher preach some Sunday; in my mind, This guy is doesn’t make sense! Until later, when I developed a sense of being spiritually understanding. I understood Why everything is everything.

THE SHAPE OF WATER

I’m sick, no amount of money or qualified doctor can heal me. Only Spirituality. And that is free. I’d like to meet many like myself, that went through all types of diagnosis or operations to simply just heal, and at the end, they’re still not well. I figured Spirituality heal all. That’s a fact in a blind spot that no one will ever tell you.

My tongue as the most potent muscle on my being creates words that when spoken into existence should contain the power to wake the chosen that are asleep. Chosen by not themselves by the infinite energy of the cosmos raised by the new Moon every month twelve times a spin. Trust that the receiver speaks to the higher power at least twelve times a year so that which self asks shall be given. Giving it my all positive energy to wake a forbidden idea buried far deep in mind. A statement, a seed, that died over enough time due to cause of insufficient water.

Those that have dreams, and are already in pursue, considered insane, or naive because we believe blindly in the vision. Regardless of life’s breath-taking moments, for as long as we can still breathe and sleep, dreams forgotten, or forbidden by ourselves become nightmares that haunt us. And how could we know if it’s possible? We don’t, and that's the beauty of it – going after not knowing if you’ll reach or not. But that’s not only it. It is when we’ve developed the courage to change our nightmares in our subconscious into sweet dreams of lullaby that we barely remember as children. If you’ve already done that or about to, that is courage at its purest form. Now, converting your nightmare, into a sweet dream, a lovely dream into conscious, reality, is the most significant art of life!

As my body is made up of the elements that make planet Earth, my wrongs are a part of me as the water I drink every day creates a fulfilled, pure spirit made out of blood. When I do what I think is only right, turns out to be the wrong when practiced into existence, the higher-power, or that which is higher than me, which revives my energy every time I run out, that caused me to exist, in the form of Spirit, Soul, Mind and Body, shall forgive me.

INSANITY

We get mirror like reflections of what’s really going on in the world.

So we can solve the problem from both perspective of a matter when matter is on mind.

I'll take so much darkness away that the only spectrum to take a look from is of light: a perspective titled insanity.

I got tired of being told what to do or following instructions from voices from above my heads. The first time I was told what to do then I said no and rejected the instruction, I felt a bit bad. That out of a sudden I’m a bad child because I all of sudden I didn’t want to do what I didn’t want to do. I had a bad feeling clouding me as a form of cloud of being a black sheep.

I got tired of voices above my heads that monitor my thinking and at the end of a process, whether is a conversation or visuals of where I was at, and society that is biased, I’m conditioned. Because I’d feel a great sense of being heavy or being tense when I thought I was fine. But I elevated my level of thinking, self-introspected on myself from a different perspective, and I realized it was as simple as being told what to do. And that was my prison, being shown on how to run my life from people that make decisions based on their subconscious thoughts that were stored by memories from years ago, probably more than ten years ago. But we’re here today, in a world that runs different, how will your advice work in this time of age when you make a decision based on a memory that you were taught during your teenage years or before democracy?

Voices above our heads aren’t different from anything or even themselves because they don’t make decisions based on conscious thinking! That’s what I hate, advice. I find it hostile. Since everybody got their own lives, I think it would only be fair if each one of us lived the way they wanted, I mean isn’t that difference? But now, when I decide to be me, I’m different or I’m somehow unwelcome or those that used to talk to me don’t do it anymore. I like that. I don’t like talking to anyone anyway, I’d rather read. Because people host conversation or wish you to host conversations that include them as invitations, but nobody is really ready or open to the idea of listening. People in large groups hang together to talk but not listen to each other. because each one of us thinks to themselves, I know enough, she or he can’t tell me anything new. That’s the defense mechanism of foreign things or things we don’t understand, which we tend to undermine because they seem different therefore seem unkind. 

If someone or I is ready to listen, one should rather read. Vibrations in your brain will cause sounds, and sounds that will sound like is spoken by your inner voice. That’s way better than acting to be listening but not, because even if your automatic defense mechanism kicks, you’ll only argue with a book or written texts.  Which if you’d really like to fight, you’ll only be fighting yourself. And self-conflict is necessary because it gets you to self-recognition if it’s done over enough times and experiences. Times and experiences that host pain similar to one caused by these experiences: mental breakdowns, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or consumption of narcotics.

Then you realize self and will be labelled a black sheep because you appear different or don’t obey. But you shouldn’t. especially people. Now, that comes with freedom. Because when you’re labelled a Black sheep people already gave up their hope for you, nobody counts on you, everyone judges you but is afraid to say it, but that’s cool, because that is freedom, you seem to not exist to those that don’t understand or can’t comprehend you. And that’s the greatest feeling ever. To not belong where you don’t belong. Black is scary because it scares their white of paint designed and created by false advertising, too much stare at television, not enough reading or no reading at all, growing bigger but the thinking process is still based on thoughts that were inserted in our brains from the downloading age, observation, 0-7 years old, and now we’re children-adults that have children roaming around. We’re present in their lives but in reality, we aren’t, we’re just around because we don’t know their dreams, what is it that their passionate about. But what we care about instead is shouting at them for not making bed because that’s the only thing we ever really remember being told to do right. How about you tell them why it is important to make bed or not to make bed? Because we don’t know. We’re in a world where nobody asks Why? and that is a problem because how are we going to learn new things?

Because we’re all scared child-adults. And we believe that the one life that is given to you by God, or should I include God in different symbols, so we can understand? Okay – we spent our lives thinking we owe life to God, or gods, ancestors, or whoever you praise but they gave you the most precious gift, life. You live being afraid and thinking that they’ll punish you for being you. But they gave this life so you can be you, build your own ideal paradise on Earth and end the poverty of your siblings and your late grandfathers, ancestors or God been fighting for. And when you die, you get to them and they ask you, What did you do with your life? and you take a look and realize, nothing because you’ve been scared all your life to be you and that is the universe, God, gods in you, being you. And your most precious gift, being alive is wasted, and the borrowed energy you’ve wasted needs to be borrowed to someone with better courage and a big heart to follow him/herself so he can go on and on, fail, fail, and fail no more, go on restlessly because he/she believes in his/her dreams, which appear as abstract images in his/her sleep; images that his/her ancestors bring to visual in his/her sleep because his/her consciousness is at its highest form to connect with the channels of the higher power or God, universe or whatever, but practiced in reality those that don’t have dreams or have rejected, or neglected content given to them by their God, gods, universe, or ancestors judge them negatively but that’s the thing, that is the truth. And that he/she believed so blindly in the dreams; dreams that would cause a blind man to have vision, kept building an earthly paradise for his/her last name and when he/she finally rests, forever, God, gods, ancestors or the universe applauds him/her. And finally, after so much lives and replacements of energies, the struggle is over, and restless souls can now rest in peace. That’s why, I’m a Goat!

WORLDS

There won’t be anything new under the Sun because we’re conditioned by one system that runs the world, and nobody is as free as one can thinks he is. So, all that we create, under one system, already exists because we’re under it, not over or out of it.

Different people, as different worlds: Worlds indoors create worlds to go to the outer world to hang around with other worlds. When they leave their worlds to go out there, they bump into each other in different worlds. Now each world goes back home trying to be the world that the other world said the world is. Over enough time of this, when worlds go outside, they meet a lot of similar worlds. Worlds within the world create worlds within the small worlds.

Then they meet later, again, as worlds within the world and realize that they’re worlds that look alike as a result of what they created from what they saw to themselves as what worlds or the world is. Then worlds go back home together and wonder what happened to the difference.

Some worlds within the world that the world hosts as space meet up and see reflections of other worlds that aren’t like how they left their spaces, then create themselves as the other worlds based on the reflections. And other worlds do so, too. Then later, the original doesn’t exist anymore because we’ve lost selves within the world and become other selves and realize, we’ve switched personalities.

The new version of the predesigned worlds, new worlds, walk the cliff, where old worlds said it’s the end of the world, they get there, to the edge of the world, and discover that there is glass that has a reflection and can be seen through, too. Go call on the old worlds, take them to the edge, where they said it’s the end of the world, point and show them where to stare/look but cannot see through the glass.

They leave them alone, go to the edge of the world by themselves; to the glass, and see a mirror-like reflection of themselves, some see not mirror-like reflections of themselves but worlds within the outer world as a reflection, some see a reflection of themselves and through the glass. When new worlds go back indoors and new versions go in with them and tell them about foreign worlds that exist out there beyond what they know, the old worlds deny the knowledge because their understanding cannot reach beyond foreign ideas of new worlds that have been seen out there and is within.

The new worlds keep on going back to the glass to stare, see not only a reflection but through the glass worlds within outer worlds out there that other new worlds of the outer worlds stare back at, too, them, the new worlds. Now each side illustrates their vision of a reflection, that their vision has seen through memories stored as subconscious, paint symbols on their outer layers to describe ideas of outer worlds that appear to be foreign, and others neglect and reject that they exist.

Both sides get addicted to staring at either side of the outer world, and in the process, they become each other or not necessarily the same but similar.

Other worlds of either world realize halfway through creating themselves as worlds that they consist of both their original forms and, at the same time, the inverse of themselves or worlds of the outer world.

Then they seek new beginnings and look for foreign ideas as other different reflections they haven’t glanced at from the outer world. In the creation or at the end of the creation is an invention of a new personality built from other personalities that appeared as experiences.

The beginning of new worlds in the new worlds has been initiated. Then they also get different ideas and become what they’ve seen as other reflections and over hundreds of years, everybody wonders what happened to originality, true self, authenticity, or why it is so lonely out there or everything seems stranger than the last thing? Because true self or originality was only of the first editions of the invention in this world. There is nothing new!

TREE

THE HEALER

A Man went to a dark world with no spectrum of night light. Houses were made of zinc. Low quality of living type of a neighborhood - overpopulated. With people that looked messy, in torn clothes, in violence, drunk, or high!

He entered one of the yards, which had occupied an Indian/Ethiopian spaza shop, where the number one product sold was Coca-Cola. He walked straight passed it, reached a door handle, opened the door. When he got into the house, he found three girls lying down on the bed. The spectrum of light within the atmosphere of the shack was very dim, that the whole space was dark. The girls in there were covered by black bed-sheets.

One girl that was in the middle commented, Guys, look who showed up. In a very sad tone, out of physical strength.

He went and approached her, Hey, who put you here?

The girl seemed scared to open up. When the man walked out of the shack, he looked to the left and saw one man on the outside-counter of the spaza shop wearing Black and White. Black & White-Man from the counter started to walk away from the shelter. The man went ahead and followed Black & White Man; the Black & White-Man walked a bit faster away from him.

The man then grew black and white wings on his back, launched into the air, then flew away.

PROGRAM

REALITY

Mankind live in an era where reality is simulated to control the body.

SPACE AND MATERIAL

I'm the end of a world and the beginning of a new one.

FADED MEMORIES

Memory is a beautiful thing if you don’t have to deal with the past.

DISTANT SOUND

Conversations that give me a clear visual of my vices.

THE FUTURE-PAST

Don't stay too close to time, it'll pass you by and leave you behind. Stay away, so it doesn’t affect you.

THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP

What if life is but a dream, and when we die, we wake up from the dream; would it have been worth your sleeping time?

LIVE

The most depressing thing that can happen to an artist is to lose creativity.

ISSUES

I don’t listen to anyone. I’d rather read.

BACK TO BASICS

We give basic meaning of things complicated explanations.

SOMETHING FOR NOTHING?

I don't want everything, I want everything that I want!

HIGH

I feel like I'm a test subject of some psychological experiment.

REALIST ALIVE

I don’t stare at the television; I stare at my mind; my mind is television.

SPACE AND MATERIAL

A man closed his eyes when he just got exhausted from working on his project on his laptop. Before he passed out on the couch, he said: I don't mind anything else except for my mind then his higher-self left his body in the form of air, glanced into his own mind, as if his higher-self was curious about what goes on in there. Since the man's been losing his mind quite a lot of times. So higher-self figured, Maybe something isn't right in here, let me take a look.

Space does matter. It is one of the most influential factors that control thoughts. It causes you to think in specific ways; the energy exerted on us by our environment hits a type of frequency in us that channels us to have particular thoughts. For instance, simplified, you cannot be happy in a constant-sad area. You cannot be sad in a constant-happy room; your body is just unable.

I've realized I've been travelling by public transport all my life. When my mentor went on a drive with me to his meetings, I realized there's so much beauty behind the main streets I'm exposed to when I'm by private transport.

Looking back at pictures from the past - how inspirational and optimistic I was. I now ask myself, Have I been less moving and maybe a pessimist or am I just a realist who realized that talking does not really help but only fill a moment with nothing but temporary energy that lasts nothing but a day? I've learned it's better to keep quiet and put in the work. Preserve the life you intended to put in conversations into your creativity or productivity.

I'm scared, in such a small world with spaces within it occupied by almost everything. How do I keep myself protected from all these distractions on this avenue of growth? I look at myself in the mirror, and my life right now, with my book, No Lights on the Horizon – In Battle with Refracted Images of ‘Self’ almost being published, I'm close to losing my deferential and all these people looking at me trying to put words of wary; how careful I should be that now my projects are about to project. Should I listen? How can I hear when I planned this myself Five years ago with everybody having doubt in me, asking themselves, What is it that he does? He always wakes up late, what's the matter with him? asked on the very negatively judgmental manner, that I'm not worthy for anything. Now I'm about to make it, they want to get involved only at the end when where I bothered nobody with my projects and they want to worry? No, I'm cool! I'd somewhat get lost in my ways like I used to because I don't feel like taking these phone calls, they're killing my creativity and process of thinking. I don't think it has anything to do with me being proud at all, it's just I never wanted to be a part of any world except for mine – one I've imagined in my head, and about to create for myself in reality.

Because I mean in every situation, you have to bounce out of it and take a look from outside. As an individual so you can be able to see where you stand and what situation holds for you. Sometimes it isn't worth it to do anything. Take a look, breath, and judge if it's worth your energy and/or your reaction.

Everything at pause. Looking at myself, self-introspection: am I standing still, getting lost in the illusion that I'm working on everything, including myself? I have no idea. Every day I wake up, I get a bit anxious, with everything going on, or me not giving anything my reaction, so it doesn't have power. I think I just want to get out of this scope I'm in. I do a bit of work, sometimes too much –then I get up the next day, with my partner next to me, sunshine. Brightens up my day all the time. Not even I can make your day today, she said. To have a spiritual leader for a partner must be difficult. I hear you speak, but sometimes I'm not listening. Not intentionally but I realize at the end of your speech that I didn't hear anything.

With this coronavirus going on, I feel like I chose the wrong year to get my essence off the ground. I don't know. Do I choose to become an opportunist or wait until the fall is over? The world is a circus. I'm paranoid that everything is orchestrated, controlled. Population control, maybe? Stores closed for a certain amount of time, how is the middle class supposed to get their daily basic needs if their jobs are paused, isn't that suffering, too? To starve, not be able to provide for children as their school days are put on hold, what are they going to eat if the only food they had was at school? It’s just another form of suffering. This might be a distraction. It shouldn't distract you from something big going on within yourself. I ask myself that every day, How do I prohibit being part of anything? It’s too overwhelming to become part of a hype. Even when my book is out-selling, making a few cents, I'd like to live the same way – wake up next to the love of my life, see her the same way that I did before, at bliss and harmony with my family, and not let any of these materialistic things get into my head. They should just enable me to move around or fill their manufactured purpose to create a better, functioning location for myself.

I always used to complain about my extent. How it isn't healthy for my being. But I've realized the area isn't me. I am me before play. So, I can't let it control me.

I'm working on it to be. The type of persona that awaits me there remain strange, yet. I have to work on it, so it doesn't cause me to be unthankful to what means a lot to me. Power and material possession can poison, as a man knows not of the type of behavior he'll possess once all that he worked on finally becoming evident.

FADED MEMORIES

A Man was in an elevator, that's when he saw his right shoe-lazy undone. He was on his phone; his mind travels at a higher speed than he thinks. So, he's most of the times just faded away in thoughts. He clicked a left-edge button, switched off his mobile phone's display, and locked it as he bent down with his left knee, put his phone on the surface facing up, next to his right feet, to tie his right-foot shoe-lace. And so, he did that. The elevator reached his floor, it opened, and he walked out. A few seconds later, he realized he forgot his