When Your Way Isn't Working: Finding Purpose and Contentment through Deep Connection with Jesus

By Kyle Idleman

When you are worn-out, when you feel discouraged, when you think you don't have what it takes, what is the one thing that Jesus wants you to never forget? When Your Way Isn't Working equips you to discover authentic connection to God and others so you are free to live the life you long for.

In some of his final words to his closest friends, Jesus didn't suggest a five-year plan for success or a checklist of things to do. Instead, he offered a metaphor about what the good life really looks like: I am the vine. You are the branches. Abide in me. In other words, No matter what happens next, the most important thing is to stay connected to me.

In When Your Way Isn't Working, pastor and bestselling author Kyle Idleman offers a unique exploration of John 15 for all of us who are going through the motions and feel frustrated. Idleman reminds us that it's connection, not production, that leads to a fruitful life--relationships, not circumstances, that bring joy. He offers his distinctive, biblical perspective on how to:

• Find greater rest, depth, and connection in your life
• Embrace freedom from the pressures of performance and production
• Recognize what you can't do makes room for what God can do
• Step out of isolation even when it feels scary
• Discover the top distractions that keep you from connecting to God--and how to counter them

 

In the end, the fruit of your life won't have to do with what you accomplished but with whom you stayed connected. Because no matter what happens next in this uncertain world, what matters most, lasts the longest, and brings the greatest joy is staying connected to the God who never leaves you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Zondervan
• Release date: Jun 6, 2023
• ISBN: 9780310363996

Kyle Idleman

Kyle Idleman is the senior pastor at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky, one of the largest churches in America. On a normal weekend, he speaks to more than twenty-five thousand people spread across eleven campuses. More than anything else, Kyle enjoys unearthing the teachings of Jesus and making them relevant in people’s lives. He is a frequent speaker for national conventions and influential churches across the country. Kyle and his wife, DesiRae, have been married for over twenty-five years. They have four children, two sons-in-law, and recently welcomed their first grandchild. They live on a farm in Kentucky.

Book preview

PRAISE FOR WHEN YOUR WAY ISN’T WORKING

Kyle Idleman, one of my favorite authors, did it again! Are you feeling discouraged or exhausted and don’t know why? In When Your Way Isn’t Working, Kyle offers questions that help his readers understand what is off and the only way that works. Kyle reminds us that Jesus is who we need most and helps us find a deeper connection with him.

Jonathan Pokluda, lead pastor of Harris Creek Baptist Church, bestselling author, and host of the Becoming Something podcast

In a season of restless discouragement and persistent anxiety, what we desperately need is not a new strategy for greater productivity; it’s an invitation to deeper intimacy with the Almighty. Thank you, Kyle, for this beautiful blend of grace and truth!

Ben Stuart, pastor, Passion City Church, Washington, DC, and author of Single, Dating, Engaged, Married and Rest & War

We go to great lengths to manage our lives and control our emotions. But our coping mechanisms only take us so far. When the stresses of life press in, our well-constructed ideas start to crumble. We react instead of respond; we feel annoyed instead of compassionate; we tend to isolate ourselves instead of engaging with our community. What’s the answer? Deepening our connection with Jesus. Kyle Idleman has written a brilliant, honest book about life, Jesus, and how to abide more deeply in him. Jesus is the answer to every question and the solution to every problem. The words on these pages are funny, accessible, and wonderfully insightful. You’ll love this book.

Susie Larson, bestselling author, national speaker, and talk radio host

When Your Way Isn’t Working is a clarion call to cling to the Vine. Let’s be honest, we all need that. It’s not necessarily that Kyle Idleman’s exegesis is revolutionary; it’s that his own transparency is convicting. He’s not a megachurch pastor who pontificates but a beleaguered pilgrim who is vexed by his own longing to reconnect with Jesus. I’m in, Kyle.*

*Kyle’s footnotes are worth the price of admission. Skipping them is like missing the water cooler gossip at the office Christmas party.

Mark E. Moore, PhD, teaching pastor at Christ’s Church of the Valley, Phoenix, Arizona

Kyle Idleman nailed it. This book is going to be foundational for people. This is the way to contentment.

Brant Hansen, radio host, author of Unoffendable and The Men We Need, and advocate for CURE International Children’s Hospitals

In John 15, Jesus uses the imagery of a vine and branches to illustrate our need to be intimately connected to Him. In When Your Way Isn’t Working, my friend Kyle Idleman unpacks this rich section of Scripture and explains how being connected to Jesus gives us purpose, perspective, and freedom.

Jim Daly, president, Focus on the Family

ZONDERVAN BOOKS

When Your Way Isn’t Working

Copyright © 2023 by Kyle Idleman

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Epub Edition MAY 2023 9780310363996

ISBN 978-0-310-36398-9 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-0-310-36765-9 (international trade paper edition)

ISBN 978-0-310-36400-9 (audio)

ISBN 978-0-310-36399-6 (ebook)

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Scripture quotations marked AMPC are taken from the Amplified® Bible, Classic Edition. Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987, 2015 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

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Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked TLB are taken from The Living Bible. Copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

The author is represented by the literary agent Don Gates @ THE GATES GROUP, www.the-gates-group.com.

Cover design: Faceout Studio

Cover illustrations: Susana Martins, Arcangel; Godong Photo, Adobe Stock; IngridHS, Shutterstock

Interior design: Denise Froehlich

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Please note that the footnotes and endnotes in this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external websites as part of bibliographic citations. These hyperlinks have not been activated by the publisher, who cannot verify the accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication

To my Southeast staff family—

every day I am so thankful

to call each of you partners in the gospel

and that together we get to be Jesus’ branches.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Section 1: Diagnosing Disconnection

1.   Diagnosing Disconnection

2.   The Disconnection Dashboard

3.   I Wasn’t Expecting It to Be like This

4.   I’ve Had Enough

5.   I’m Worn-Out

6.   I Don’t Know What to Do

Section 2: The Way of Connection

7.   Be the Branch

8.   Picked Up and Cleaned Off

9.   The Bonsai Way

10.   Tangled Up

11.   Growing Pains

12.   Grafted and Growing

SECTION 1

DIAGNOSING DISCONNECTION

Apart from me you can’t do anything.

—JESUS

CHAPTER 1

DIAGNOSING DISCONNECTION

I have a friend who is an executive coach. I think you should give him a call."

That suggestion was made to me by a buddy who recognized that my way wasn’t working. He worded it more graciously than that. He said something to me like, You just haven’t been yourself lately. My initial response was a combination of being dismissive and defensive, but deep down I knew he was right.

I have never been someone who is easily discouraged. I have rarely felt overly stressed or anxious. I have always been driven and energetic. For most of my life it hasn’t been hard to see the potential good and keep a positive perspective. But the last few months had been especially challenging and the people around me could see I was struggling. Meanwhile, I was struggling with the fact that I was struggling, which made my struggling more of a struggle.

The people around me had to see it because they weren’t hearing about it from me. Not to brag, but I’m really good at not asking people for help. Like super good at it. I’m not saying I can go longer without asking for help than you can, but the fact that you are willingly reading this book is at least an indication that I’m better at not asking for help than you are. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be a helper, not someone who needed help. It’s much more appealing to be a rescuer than the person getting rescued. No one watches Spider-Man and fantasizes about being the person hanging helplessly from the balcony hoping to be saved.

I think it’s hard for me to ask for help because I don’t like to be perceived as weak and I worry that asking for help comes off as whiny. If there is one thing I have a hard time with, it’s grown adults, especially men, who whine. I even have a Bible verse for that—Philippians 2:14: Do everything without grumbling or arguing. I used to keep that verse posted on a wall in both my house and at my office, not so much as a reminder to me but as a warning to everyone else. If you’re feeling frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, stressed-out, anxious, discouraged, or depressed, my counsel would have been fairly straightforward: stop feeling that way and do something about it.

That approach worked really well for me—until it didn’t. Don’t whine; deal with it was my way of dealing with discouragement and disappointment, but it was becoming increasingly clear to the people around me that my way wasn’t working.

The suggestion of an executive coach came at a time when I knew I needed help, even if I wasn’t willing to say it out loud. Ironically, I’d later discover I was surrounded by people who loved me and wouldn’t charge me money for the help. But it felt safer to pay a stranger, so I set up an appointment. A few minutes into our first Zoom meeting, I was struck by a realization about my executive coach. I was onto him and blew his cover like it was the end of a Scooby-Doo cartoon. Wait a second! You’re a therapist! You just call yourself an ‘executive coach’ so people like me will talk to you.

I talked to him about my feelings, the best I knew how. Without meaning to, I was suddenly spewing a bunch of frustrations. I told him I was frustrated with the things happening around me that were out of my control. I confessed to him that while I didn’t feel burned-out, I sure felt worn-out. I admitted to him that I felt like all I did was disappoint people. Before I knew what was happening, I started to unload:

Everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing differently or how I could do it better.

I can’t post anything on social media without somebody taking it personally and getting offended.

My list of things that need to get done feels like a weight that’s too heavy, but more plates get added to the bar every day.

The people I care about the most are always getting my leftover energy and time.

I’m in over my head. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I think everyone around me is starting to figure that out.

I feel like everyone needs something from me and all I do is let them down.

For the first time in my life, I don’t feel very motived or driven. I come home from work and just want to lie on the couch and stare at my phone.

Even though I know God’s grace, I feel like I’m letting him down. I don’t know why he doesn’t pull me out of the game and put someone else in.

I feel discouraged, and I’m discouraged about feeling discouraged because I’m supposed to be the one who encourages people who are discouraged.

When I was finished, I was immediately ashamed. My wife would have been proud of me for being vulnerable, but I was sure I sounded weak and pathetic, probably whiny—although at some point, I definitely started to sound more annoyed. I have this thing I do where instead of vulnerably admitting that things are hard and I need help, I act annoyed. I say annoyed, but some people might say angry, but even angry seems better than whiny. It feels more powerful and less helpless.

My executive coach therapist went on to ask me a series of questions. (It reminded me of going to my primary physician, who would run through a list of questions to determine if I’m healthy.) He asked me about my schedule: How are you sleeping? Are you keeping a consistent routine? He asked about my relationships: What kind of time are you spending with your wife? How connected are you with your kids? He asked about my friendships: Do you have authentic friendships? Or do you just have buddies and coworkers? He asked about who I’m honest with: When was the last time you asked someone to help you or pray for you?

I was starting to get defensive. Umm . . . I’m doing it right now, bro.

And then he asked me about my relationship with Jesus: How connected do you feel to him and how much time do you spend praying and reading Scripture. Are you talking to Jesus about the things you just unloaded on me?

I wanted to give honest answers to all these questions. I wanted to tell him my life felt out of control, like I was always under water, straining to break through the surface and get a lungful of air. I wanted to tell him I wasn’t sleeping well at night because I couldn’t turn off the scrolling list of things in my head that I hadn’t gotten done that day. I wanted to tell him I felt lonely and that I hadn’t been making time for the people closest to me. I wanted to tell him I hadn’t been walking as closely with Jesus as I’d like to and how much I missed Jesus.

I wanted to admit that the way I was living wasn’t working, but I didn’t say any of those things. Instead, I began to blame people and circumstances over which I had no control.

After my executive coach therapist had completed his questions and I had listed my answers, he asked me a simple question: How would you say that’s working for you?

I couldn’t believe he dropped the how’s that working for ya? question on me. That’s the question I ask other people. I don’t do much pastoral counseling, but when I do, I almost always ask, How’s that working for ya?

A wife tries to tell her husband what he needs to do differently . . . How’s that working for ya?

A father has been putting in sixty-hour workweeks and his teenage son is spiraling . . . How’s that working for ya?

A young woman is always on social media and everyone thinks her life is perfect, but she’s struggling with depression . . . How’s that working for ya?

You keep cheering for the Detroit Lions . . . How’s that working for ya?

I’ve asked that question of the middle-aged man who has all the toys but still feels empty. I’ve asked it of the alcoholic who is trying to get over their divorce. I’ve asked it of the woman who is always put together on the outside but feels like her life is out of control. I’ve asked it of the pastor who feels like it’s their job to make everybody happy. I’ve asked it of the CEO who is killing it at work but is only vaguely aware of what’s happening in the lives of their children.

How’s that working for ya? is the question I ask people who need to make a change. My executive coach therapist asked it