Forced Adoption: A Journey of Discovery, Forgiveness and Healing

By Alison Willoughby

"A Riveting story about an ordinary person with an extraordinary life " - Bruce Sims, Australian Editor and Publisher

Forced adoption practices in Australia during the mid-1900’s impacted the lives of countless relinquishing mothers and adoptees.

For a long time, the secrecy surrounding these adoptions resulted in thousands of displaced children growing up without knowing their identity, biological parents, or what circumstances surrounded their adoption. This secrecy, fueled with guilt and shame, led to the disruption and trauma of so many lives.

Based on actual events, the author shares her compelling story, as she is reunited with her birth mother, revealing the truth behind her very existence, and why she was placed for adoption, while exposing the challenges and traumas she has faced throughout her life.

As this heart-warming story of bravery and resilience explores the long-term impacts of adoption, the author offers insights, and hopes to assist others in navigating their own emotional struggles, while striving to increase awareness in a world where forced adoption has been suppressed, shining light into a dark period of history, creating space for a nation to continue the journey of healing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press AU
• Release date: Nov 29, 2023
• ISBN: 9781982298388

Alison Willoughby

Alison Willoughby, a female adoptee, was born in January 1965 in Melbourne, Australia. Just two weeks after her birth, she found herself in the care of her adoptive parents, and the legal processes of adoption were finalized 10 months later. Subsequently, her birth certificate, bearing the names given by her adoptive parents, was issued. It was not until the age of 19, following the enactment of new adoption legislation that her birth mother reached out, marking the first meaningful contact with her biological roots. This pivotal moment unraveled details about her identity and facets of herself that had remained unknown until then. Serendipitously, she also crossed paths with her biological father and his family. Despite these revelations about her origins and the circumstances surrounding her adoption, Willoughby's life continued to be fraught with unresolved issues. The persistent longing for a sense of "connection" and "love" proved perplexing, giving rise to confusion and numerous challenges. Through an arduous journey of personal development and soul-searching, she gradually gained insights into herself and the subsequent traumas she had endured. This process allowed her to acknowledge, forgive, and initiate the healing necessary to move forward in her life.

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Copyright © 2023 Alison Willoughby.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9822-9839-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-9838-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023919532

Balboa Press rev. date:  11/29/2023

Contents

Author’s Note

Prologue

Chapter 1     Valerie and Bill

Chapter 2     Coming Home

Chapter 3     Preschool Years

Chapter 4     Hernia

Chapter 5     Grandfather

Chapter 6     Primary School Years

Chapter 7     High School

Chapter 8     Dark Reflections

Chapter 9     Miriam

Chapter 10   Late Teenage Years/ Daniel

Chapter 11   My Birth Mother

Chapter 12   Meeting Lois

Chapter 13   Lois’ Story

Chapter 14   My Biological Father

Chapter 15   Wedding

Chapter 16   Nicole Maree

Chapter 17   Pregnancies

Chapter 18   Rochelle Elise

Chapter 19   Jaime-Lee

Chapter 20   Searching for Answers

Chapter 21   1999

Chapter 22   Camping Fun

Chapter 23   South Africa

Chapter 24   Truth

Chapter 25   Re-Stumping Foundations

Chapter 26   The Merry-Go-Round

Chapter 27   It’s Time

Chapter 28   Tough Times

Chapter 29   Moving On

Chapter 30   Mum

Chapter 31   Letting Go

Chapter 32   Finding Strength

Chapter 33   All Grown Up

Chapter 34   Life Today

Chapter 35   Blessed Rewards

Chapter 36   Reflections

Chapter 37   Surprises

Epilogue

Dedications and Acknowledgments

Author’s Note

Are you an adoptee searching for answers surrounding your existence? Are you constantly questioning your daily struggles regarding identity, abandonment, rejection, relationships, or self-worth?

Are you a mother who suffers from post-traumatic stress, anxiety, anger, or guilt after being forced to give away your baby? Do you look into the faces of total strangers in the streets, asking yourself, Is that my child?.

Or are you parents of an adoptee constantly trying to accommodate and understand their needs?

I have written this book hoping that by sharing my adoption perspective, others can relate to their experiences and know they are not alone. I endeavour to create a platform for others to feel safe enough to disclose their own buried traumas and encourage open communication about these once very silenced, secretive, and impactful issues.

By doing so, I genuinely wish that others can draw from my experiences, assist them in understanding themselves, and eventually find peace as they heal from their adoption traumas.

Sending an abundance of love and light to all affected by Forced Adoption Practices.

Alison xx

Prologue

In Australia, like many other countries, during the 1940s through to the early 1970s, forced adoption practices were thought to be the most practical solution for many unmarried women with unplanned pregnancies.

Women knew very little about sex, reproduction, or contraception. Society shamed these expectant mothers, as did their families. They were sent away (primarily interstate) to conceal the pregnancy. They were not permitted to return until they had given birth and relinquished their babies through either adoption agencies or baby homes. Then they were told to go away, forget and get on with your life. It wasn’t until years later, on March 21, 2013, that those impacted by these practices were acknowledged as the Forgotten Australians, and a formal National Apology was made by the then Prime Minister of Australia, Julia Gillard, on behalf of the Australian government.

These adoption practices were known as closed adoptions, with no ongoing contact between either parties and little or no information about biological parents being available for adoptees or their families. This would be the case until new legislation was passed and brought in during 1984, allowing the disclosure of some information upon request from adoptees or birth mothers. Even then, both parties had to consent to exchanging information.

Many relinquishing mothers, adoptees, and families experience lifelong psychological and emotional effects, which include loss and grief, confusion surrounding identity, disconnection, abandonment, rejection, unhealthy attachments, low self-worth, relationship issues, and more. Each adoption journey differs, and no two stories are quite the same.

In her own unique, powerful, and descriptive personal journey of adoption, Alison captures the very essence and emotion of how these practices affected her psychologically and emotionally, how they played out in her life, and how she eventually overcame them, moving forward with love, peace, self-worth, and acceptance.

Due to this book’s sensitive nature, some characters’ names have been omitted or changed to protect their identity.

Chapter 1

Valerie and Bill

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My story begins on one very significant day; although this wasn’t the day of my birth, it was the day I was given a family and taken home. Monday the 15th of February 1965. This initial part of my story has been proudly transcribed to me in detail many times by Valerie, my adoptive Mum.

It was a mid-summer day. The sun was shining, the air was still, and the temperature was around 30 degrees.

Valerie and Bill were going to the Royal Women’s Hospital in Carlton, Melbourne, to collect their baby daughter.

They were filled with anticipation and excitement, for they had yet to experience the joys of parenthood. They had been through the screening process required by the social work department at the hospital. They were approved and considered to have the correct criteria to be adoptive parents to a child who needed a new family and a home to grow up in.

Valerie was born in Yallourn, Gippsland, Victoria, on the 29th of August 1932 to parents Ella and Hugh Trainor (later known as Nana and Papa) and was a big sister to Deirdre.

Ella was a loving mother who worked in sales and was a devoted wife who always insisted things were in their place! Her home was immaculate, and she strived to be a perfectionist with all that she did. Ella was a musician and played the organ at home and every Sunday in the local Methodist church. She passed her love of music onto Valerie, who learned to play the piano from a very young age and continued playing at home for our family as we grew up, influencing my love of music, which began during my very early years of learning piano from the age of seven.

Hugh worked many long hours at the local Gippsland Power Station, where he became a highly regarded and respected member of society and was involved in many local social events.

Together, they raised their family during the early to mid-1900s and had a reasonably happy life. Still, like many others during those times, they were met with many of life’s challenges, including Ella giving birth to a stillborn baby boy when the girls were just toddlers. (Valerie never spoke much detail about this, as things like that weren’t discussed then). Valerie and Deirdre contracted Infantile Paralysis, also known as Polio, in 1937, which affected both Valerie and Deidre quite severely at that time; however, they seemed to recover relatively unscathed. The Second World War began in 1939 and lasted until 1945, bringing financial and social difficulties that affected everyone. They also experienced the local bushfires in and around Yallourn in 1944, which was quite a frightening experience for any young family.

Valerie was a caring young lady, full of passion and love for children, so much so that she decided to attend Ballarat Teachers College in 1950, where she studied to become a primary school teacher. She began her teaching career in 1951, which lasted for 37 years, teaching children in multiple primary schools across the outer Eastern suburbs of Melbourne.

Valerie’s dream was to one day have children of her own and raise her family, sharing her love of music and travel, teaching them about life, love, and all the mysteries that she believed this world had to offer.

Bill was born in Rotterdam, Holland, on the 2nd of October 1931 to parents Elizabeth and Wilhelmus (later known as Oma and Opa) and was a middle sibling, having two older brothers and two younger sisters.

Elizabeth was born in 1905, orphaned at the age of eight and was then brought up by elderly town folk and married at 21. She was a dedicated mother and housewife who often worked, mainly doing domestic housework for other families.

Wilhelmus was born in 1904 and was a Boilermaker. He permanently injured his hip on the job and was forever in constant pain, affecting his mobility and ability to continue working in that industry. He then had numerous factory jobs in other fields, including when the whole family migrated to Australia and resided in Mitcham. During World War Two, they endured a callous life in Holland and faced many difficulties impacting their survival, including poverty, starvation, and social and financial hardship.

Bill recalled, quite vividly, his experience as a nine-year-old boy stuck down a bunker with his family of seven, tightly packed in together, petrified as they listened to the bombs being dropped outside, above their home and not knowing what they would find, once they finally got out of the bunker. He wondered what they would see and what would be left of their town. Who may have been killed, and how would they continue living after such horrific and frightening times?

This happened frequently during World War Two. One can only imagine the strain and stress of trying to raise a family and keep them safe during this time and what pressure it must have put on everybody, especially Elizabeth and Wilhelmus as parents.

Bill recalled many frightening times growing up in the War.

One day, Bill and his older brother were playing in the local streets of Rotterdam when looking up above them, they saw the aeroplanes flying across the sky. Bill got so excited, repeatedly pointing to the sky and yelling, insisting that his brother look up and see how impressive the planes were! His brother grabbed him by the arm, and as they ran, scolding him and telling him how stupid he was, letting him know that they were bomber planes, intending to drop bombs on them to kill them! Bill remembers feeling naive and silly at that point and not fully understanding the severity of War.

Bill recalled the lack of food and how hungry they were most of the time during the war. Once, they even cooked and ate a stray cat that had been roaming the streets. He and his older brother chased the German trucks multiple times as they drove through the main road, jumping onto the back, throwing off some food hampers, then running back to collect them and taking them home to the family. Tough times!

As Bill grew up, he realised that Holland didn’t offer him the opportunities to pursue any career that he would be interested in, so he decided to come to Melbourne, initially for the Olympic Games in 1956, as he loved sports and especially the Discus, but then ended up staying for the rest of his life, never returning to his homeland!

Having not learned English in Holland and therefore unable to speak English, Bill took himself to RMIT in Melbourne and passed the English matric with flying colours. He also studied to become a mechanical engineer and a draftsman, eventually leading him to hold an advantageous and successful position at Kodak in Coburg between 1958- 1990, 32 years!

Valerie and Bill enjoyed travelling, the great outdoors, and exploring new destinations.

In 1957, Valerie travelled to Great Britain on the SS Himalaya passenger ship. After arriving and settling into her new surroundings, she decided to teach as she hitchhiked around Europe. She thoroughly enjoyed this experience and learned much about travelling, culture, independence, personal strength, and life.

She returned from Great Britain a year later and resided in Morwell, Gippsland (close to her family) and taught at the local primary school.

It wasn’t long before Valerie got the travel bug again and decided to travel with a girlfriend in December 1959 to Alice Springs. Together, they travelled by car in Valerie’s little white Volkswagen Beetle up the centre of Australia through Coober Pedy and on to Alice Springs. They had a wonderful and very memorable holiday!

By 1959, Bill had established a secure job with Kodak and was living in a little unit in Mitcham. then also decided that he would like to travel again. He travelled alone in his little pale blue Volkswagen Beetle to Alice Springs, stopping in Coober Pedy at a petrol station to fill his car with petrol.

As Bill filled his car, he noticed a young, pretty lady next to him filling hers. They started chatting and marvelled over the fact that they were both driving the same type of vehicle and travelling to Alice Springs! They talked longer, discovering they were both from Melbourne! Valerie from Ivanhoe and Bill from Mitcham. They decided to try and catch up while they were in Alice Springs and again once they were back home in Melbourne. And they did just that.

Just six months later, on June 18th,1960, Valerie and Bill were married, and in April 1962, they moved into their new 3-bedroom home, which they built in Mitcham, an outer-eastern suburb of Melbourne. It was a beautiful area full of apple trees, unmade roads, bellbirds, and nature. This filled their hearts with pride, joy, and happiness.

Together, they enjoyed the early years of married life and soon decided it was time to start a family. Their hearts were opened to share their energy of love with children. There was an empty room that Valerie pictured to be a beautiful little nursery. The landscaping had been completed. The established garden looked amazing, full of coloured rose bushes lining the fence along the front of the property overlooking the beautiful Dandenong Ranges. They were ready!

However, this wasn’t going to be as straightforward as they had hoped it would be. They experienced many months of disappointment, frustration, and anxiety due to the inability to fall pregnant. Valerie and Bill presented themselves to their local Doctor, who carried out all the current tests available at the time to try and discover why they couldn’t fall pregnant. Fortunately, the conclusive results were that neither of them had anything wrong and that there appeared to be no reason why they shouldn’t be able to have a baby.

So, they kept trying to conceive over the next few years but with continued disappointment. It became even more upsetting when Valerie’s younger sister Deirdre, who already had a son, fell pregnant again with another child.

Multiple babies were being born in Bill’s family with his siblings and then both neighbours who were also pregnant and having babies!

Babies were everywhere but it didn’t seem like they would ever come to Valerie and Bill. It was as if their dreams of having a family of their own and being parents would never eventuate.

Finally, they realised they may never be able to have biological children and back in the 60s and 70s, adopting a child was a favourable alternative to having your own. So, Valerie and Bill decided they would find out more about the adoption process in Melbourne and were advised to contact the Royal Women’s Hospital in Carlton which was one of the largest adoption agencies in the state of Victoria.

Sadly, back then, society condemned, shamed, and placed a substantial social stigma upon unmarried mothers, categorizing them as being promiscuous, uneducated, dirty, irresponsible, and not worthy of keeping their babies. They were forced and coerced to give them away. Their babies were placed for adoption, and the mothers were told to go away, forget and get on with your life. Some were even told their baby’s had died. They were told to pretend that their babies had never even existed. For various reasons, many women found themselves pregnant, unmarried, and forced into these practices, contributing to the enormous number of babies that needed loving parents and suitable homes.

After enduring a few invasive meetings at the Royal Women’s Hospital in Carlton (social work department) and signing required formal paperwork outlining many personal details and criteria, Valerie and Bill were finally approved to become adoptive parents to an orphaned baby in 1964.

This news was so exciting and meant the world to them, as finally, their dreams of becoming parents were about to come true!

Chapter 2

Coming Home

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It was Friday the 12th of February 1965, and Valerie was busy at work teaching students in her class at the local Primary School when she heard an announcement over the loudspeaker requesting that she come down to the principal’s office.

At this point, she had no idea why she was being summoned by the principal, excused herself from her classroom and went with anticipation to his office to find out what was going on.

Valerie was told there was a very important phone call waiting for her from the Royal Women’s Hospital and that she needed to take it urgently.

Her heart was pounding as if it were about to explode from her chest, her mouth became dry, and her palms sweaty. Was this happening? she thought. She stood there momentarily as she tried to compose herself. Suddenly, she felt very anxious and excited, all at the same time. She raced back through the corridor to her classroom to find her children quietly reading books.

The children looked up as Valerie entered the room, and she became so overwhelmed with emotion that she went into her office for some tissues and found herself staring at a large piece of cardboard. Without hesitating, she grabbed a big black felt pen and wrote…. IT’S A GIRL! in capital letters.

She excused herself once again from the classroom, and ran down the corridor, knocking on every classroom door, presenting the sign she had made, and introducing the fact that she would finally be the proud mother of a baby girl!

(At this point, I’d like to add that hearing Mum recall her story so frequently over the years made me feel so happy. My very existence brought so much joy and happiness into her life as she so deserved, and still makes me feel so grateful and blessed that I had the honour of giving her the gift of motherhood.)

As soon as her working day was done, Valerie raced home to prepare dinner and waited for Bill to return home that evening. They sat down at the table, and she delivered the good news. (Neither of them thought this day would ever come, let alone as quickly as it had after their approval.) They were finally going to become parents! Valerie had been advised that together with her husband, she was to come and collect their new baby girl on Monday, the 15th of February 1965, just three days later.

Valerie found it challenging to sleep and concentrate over the next couple of days as her level of excitement elevated to the point that she could hardly think straight! She began preparations for the arrival of her new baby daughter. Without having the nine months to prepare, as women would typically have whilst they were pregnant, Valerie had one morning! One morning to make lists of all the last-minute things that this new baby would need and purchase them, as back in those days, retail shops were only opened on Saturday mornings during the weekend.

Monday, February the 15th, 1965. Valerie tossed and turned as she awoke from a restless night’s sleep. Today was the day she’d been dreaming about for a long time. She felt so much excitement, and disbelief. Finally, this day was here. Waves of emotions came flooding in as she found herself full of self-doubt beginning to question her ability to be a mother. She wondered if she was going to be a good mother. Would this child love her as much as she would love her? She’d think about what a huge responsibility, raising somebody else’s daughter would be and how she would have to do a good job. Would Bill be a good father, and would the child love him? She quickly decided these thoughts were not serving her at this point, regained her faith in herself, got up out of bed, jumped into the shower, and got dressed. She sat down to breakfast with Bill, looked into his eyes and acknowledged that today was THE day. The day their lives would change forever!

Travelling from home to Carlton where the Royal Women’s Hospital was, took about 45 minutes, but it felt like hours, and the heat didn’t help! It was about 30 degrees and, no air-conditioning in their Beetle! As they drove, Valerie and Bill kept glancing at each other in disbelief, the excitement of this day was filling their hearts with warmth and happiness. They parked the car, made their way to the social work department, and met with the official staff who would complete the final legalities for this adoption.

After finalizing the paperwork, their daughter was handed over to them for an introduction, and the very first cuddle! So many emotions were felt by them at that point. After showering their daughter with kisses and tears, Valerie gently popped her into the white bassinet she had purchased only two days prior.

Valerie and Bill looked down into the face of their baby girl and gave her the name they had chosen, Alison Elizabeth. ME. So, from that point on, Valerie and Bill became Mum and Dad. MY, Mum and Dad!

The first journey for me with my new parents (so I’ve been told) wasn’t an enjoyable experience for any of us, as it was so hot and I was screaming in the back seat of the Volkswagen in the bassinet, hot and bothered possibly hungry, or was it just that I was feeling an overwhelming response to this newfound love and affection that I was being given? After all, I’d been in the hospital for two weeks in a crib with minimal human contact other than being fed, changed by multiple strangers, and placed back down in the crib.

Mum and Dad had to stop on the way home at the local chemist to collect some formula. I guess that’s how unprepared and surprised they were to become parents at such short notice! They arrived home, carefully took me out of the car and popped the bassinet into the nursery. Mum prepared my first bottle of formula and fed me until I fell asleep. She gently burped me, rolled me up in a white Bunny rug, placed me gently in the centre of her bed and proudly took the very first photograph of me in my new home.

The first three months of having me at home with them were challenging at times (as most parents discover), although it was said that I was a ‘model baby’ quite content and happy. It was more the fact that they were first-time parents and unsure of what exactly they were supposed to do. According to Mum, a social worker from the hospital would come out and sit quietly and observe my parents with me! Watching closely how my mother would interact with me. I can’t begin to imagine how invasive this must have felt for my parents knowing that, at any point in the initial three-month period, if they had failed to meet the correct home life criteria, the adoption would fall through!

Thankfully, that never happened; Mum and Dad were great parents. I was Alison Elizabeth, and this place would be my home for the next 22 years of my life. My adoption was legally finalised in the Melbourne court on November 16th, 1965, and my birth certificate with these names was forwarded to Mum and Dad.

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Between the years of 1966 to 1970, another three babies were adopted into our family, who became my younger siblings.

All this ‘collecting’ babies from hospitals, was quite confusing for me as a young child. I was only five years old when mum and dad adopted my youngest sibling. I recall noticing that the mothers of my school friends would have ‘big tummies’ before babies arrived in their homes but we were going to the hospital and bringing babies home!

Mum told me that I asked many questions about babies, where they come from and why she didn’t get a big tummy before the baby arrived. Mum always had the most beautiful way of explaining our adoption to all of us.

Mum told me they had received a phone call from the hospital to tell them a baby was waiting for them, and when they arrived, they found that there were rows and rows and rows of baby girls to choose from ...and she chose ME out of all those babies. She looked down into my eyes and face and chose ME. I was the special one who stood out from all the other baby girls, she’d say.

This always made me feel important and I often reflected upon that conversation throughout my early life when I felt insignificant or lost. Mum always made me feel special. I always thought that Mum had done such a great job at explaining adoption to us. She’d say that there were some babies whose parents couldn’t look after them properly or weren’t able to care for them for whatever reason and that they loved their babies so much so, that they gave them up for adoption, so they could have a better life and greater opportunities as they deserved. So, for the first ten or so, years of my life, I understood that and that was all I needed to know.

Chapter 3

Preschool Years

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My preschool years were mostly fun, as far as I could recall. They were filled with lots of camping trips, to Phillip Island, Wilson’s Prom and Rosebud, to recall a few. Mum and Dad had a Cargill which was a trailer/tent type thing that was very popular back in the 70s. They just loved getting us all out into the great outdoors as often as possible, so camping was a large part of my childhood and was mostly full of fond memories.

At this point, I must give thanks to Mum and Dad for the most amazing holiday that we ever had. It was a four-month camping trip around Australia in 1979. I was fourteen. This had to be the highlight of my childhood. My siblings and I learned so much about Australian history and geography as we travelled. We kept a daily diary where Mum checked for spelling errors and punctuality, so our English classes were also covered. We saw so much of this beautiful country and were exposed to the great outdoors and nature. This is when my great love and appreciation for travelling, and culture began.

I remember,