How the F*ck Do I Heal from This?: Understanding Narcissistic Abuse and how to Put Your Life Back Together

By Justine Weber

It's easy to feel lost when you're locked in a struggle with a narcissist ...

And even after, when you've had the time to heal some of those wounds and see the sun rise again.

It can feel like you're never going to be the person you were before.

It can feel like you've lost the battle.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Aurora Corialis Publishing
• Release date: Nov 23, 2023
• ISBN: 9781958481189

Justine Weber

Justine Weber is a California-licensed psychologist. Her private practice, Serene Shift Psychological Services, is in Newport Beach, California. Justine also has a coaching business where she helps women heal and recover from narcissistic abuse. She is certified in Tina Swithin's high-conflict divorce coaching and helps women going through high-conflict divorces and dealing with legal battles. Justine is married and is the mother of four beautiful children. She resides in Nevada.

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How the Fuck Do I Heal from This? Understanding Narcissistic Abuse and how to Put Your Life Back Together

Copyright © 2023 by Justine Weber

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, microfilm, recording, or otherwise—without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For more information, address: [e-mail].

All external reference links utilized in this book have been validated to the best of our ability and are current as of publication.

Although the publisher and the author have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time and while this publication is designed to provide accurate information in regard to the subject matter covered, the publisher and the author assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or any other inconsistencies and herein and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

The publisher and the author make no guarantees concerning the level of success you may experience by following the advice and strategies contained in this book, and you accept the risk that results will differ for each individual.

Printed in the United States of America

Edited by: Valentine Brkich, Aurora Corialis Publishing

Cover Design: Big Hype Marketing

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-958481-17-2

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-958481-18-9

Praise for How the Fuck Do I Heal from This? Understanding Narcissistic Abuse and how to Put Your Life Back Together

"Having survived a toxic relationship spanning over 22 years, I empathize deeply with the challenges that come with breaking free. As a certified Trauma Informed Somatic Coach and Narcissistic Abuse Specialist™, I was delighted to come across a book that eloquently explains the complexities of narcissism. This resource will be a beacon of hope for women who have endured narcissistic abuse, offering clarity and insight into their experiences.

"How the Fuck Do I Heal from This? Understanding Narcissistic Abuse and how to Put Your Life Back Together will enrich the reader’s understanding of trauma caused by narcissistic abuse and will be an indispensable guide for those on the path to healing. Highly recommended for anyone seeking to recover from the lasting effects of narcissistic relationships."

Tanya Bashor

Trauma Informed Coach & Hypnotherapist at Impart Clarity LLC

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"How the Fuck Do I Heal from This? Understanding Narcissistic Abuse and how to Put Your Life Back Together is doing what I have so many of my clients do when they come to work with me as their certified High-Conflict Divorce and Recovery Coach. These are also the powerful stories we love to share on my podcast, Untying Knots: Navigating Divorce & Healing Trauma.

Dr. Weber embraces her story and shares her soul with us so others won’t make the same mistakes many of us have lived with. She breaks down the many forms of narcissism and explains them in an easy-to-understand guide, and uses examples to help. After reading this book, you will understand that even though our abusers made us feel like we were the crazy ones, it was all a form of manipulation they used to control us, but we didn’t see it coming. This book will help you forgive yourself as you heal and hopefully ‘break the curse’ so you don’t fall victim to a narcissist again.

Melissa Ghelarducci Hancock

High Conflict & Co-Parent Coach Specializing in First Responders, Medical Professionals & Special Needs at I Do, I Did, I’m Done Divorce and Breakup Coaching; Certified High-Conflict Divorce and Recovery Specialist Recognized by the American Bar Association; Developmental Therapist; Early Interventionist

This is more than a book: it’s a life raft for those who are treading water with a narcissist. As a survivor of a toxic work environment, I’ve been there. You feel utterly overwhelmed by information, while at the same time isolated and without direction. Dr. Justine Weber does something remarkable by combining concrete, empathic guidance with the voices of her patients to guide us to find the way forward.

Deidra Smith, Survivor of a Narcissistic Boss

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"Dr. Justine Weber’s How the Fuck Do I Heal from This? Understanding Narcissistic Abuse and how to Put Your Life Back Together helped me finally realize that my previous dysfunctional relationships with narcissists eroded my confidence. My inner voice told me something wasn’t right, yet I was always second-guessing myself, wondering if I was the problem.

Dr. Weber’s real-life examples of how narcissists promote those feelings of doubt echoed my past experiences. Now I understand the many forms of manipulation narcissists use. I know I wasn’t doing anything wrong, except putting up with their selfishness, criticism, and undermining. Because I identify with an anxious attachment style, standing up for myself has been difficult. Dr. Weber motivated me to trust my intuition going forward. Her advice to accept what happened, develop a compassionate inner dialog, and advocate for what I need is the new path I’m taking. I intend to never have another relationship with a narcissist and I believe that someday there will be someone out there who will value me.

Julie Simmons, Teacher

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I was raised by a narcissistic parent, although I wasn’t aware of this term or even that my parent was one until I was an adult and in therapy. My experience led me to relationships, friendships, and even work environments with narcissist people. My whole adult life, I have embarked on a healing path, not only for myself but as a career as well. I struggled and still do, at times, thinking that something is innately wrong with me and I am the problem; but I now have tools to help me set appropriate boundaries and cultivate deep self-love for the journey I’ve been on. Dr. Weber has been one of my most trusted confidants and experts on narcissism, and after reading this book, I can confidently say that, if you are considering this book for a first step in healing, to continue understanding and self-compassion for your trauma, or to help support someone dear to you from a more educated place, I encourage you to read it; this book is an invaluable resource.

Survivor of Narcissism, Yoga Therapist

Disclaimer

This book is not intended to offer legal or psychological advice nor should it be used for that purpose. Though the author is a licensed therapist, use of this book does not imply a patient-therapist relationship, and the author is not responsible for personal decisions based on the subject matter contained in this book. You are advised to seek professional assistance in your area of residence with individuals who are qualified in the subject matter contained in this book.

The author has maintained the confidentiality of her patients and clients by adjusting their stories for use as examples in this book and has protected their identities by changing their names.

Throughout this book the author refers to narcissists as him. She is aware and understands that women can be narcissists as well but uses the word him when referring to a narcissist throughout this book for simplicity purposes, as well as the fact that the majority of clients she has worked with are women dealing with narcissistic men.

Acknowledgments

I want to give a special thanks to my four children, Gavin, Preston, Lexi, and Leah—you are my everything. You four are the reason I wake up in the morning, and you’re the last people I think about when I go to bed. Thank you all for allowing me to be your mother. Thank you for choosing me. We were all meant to be together. I have become who I am because of you, and I am always so inspired by what I learn from each of you.

To my husband, Chris…you are my always and forever. I will be forever grateful for our healthy, loving, safe, and respectful relationship. I never thought I would have a chance to know what it is like. You have always been my rock and have helped me stay grounded through some truly hard times. I look forward to sharing many more years of happiness with you.

To my dear, close friends… I feel so honored and appreciative for having such amazing friends in my life. I’m so lucky to have the best girls out there! Your loyalty, honesty, compassion, and fun times have been so meaningful to me. I don’t know what I would have done if I did not have you ladies in my life. Thank you for being there for me through the tough times. You are all my chosen sisters, always and forever. My heart is forever yours!

To Sarah Gorry, I appreciate you so much. This book would not have happened if it were not for you. I appreciate all the long hours you spent on this project. I am still in shock at how my disorganized thoughts and chaotic flow managed to be organized so well and read so clearly. You truly have a gift.

Also, thank you to Cori Wamsley, CEO of Aurora Corialis Publishing, and the rest of her team, which includes Valentine Brkich, who did a fabulous job editing the entire manuscript. You have a true gift for forming clear and organized reading.

I also want to thank Kelli Komondor, whose expertise in visibility and strategy influence has been so helpful. I appreciate you helping me deal with my imposter syndrome with this book and everything you did to make this dream a reality.

Finally, I want to thank my three ridgeback dogs, Micah, Elize, and Reesey. The unconditional love you show brings a smile to my face. I love all of your different personalities and difficult traits. Reesey, I never thought I would love the most narcissistic dog in the world. You are the most dominating, controlling, jealous, and insecure dog I have ever met. It is so cute and always brings me to laughter. I love you so much.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Did I Marry a Psychopath?

Chapter 2: What’s the Deal With Narcissism and Attachment Theory?

Chapter 3: Family Systems and Dynamics—Is My Upbringing to Blame?

Chapter 4: What the Heck is Narcissism?

Chapter 5: Why You Got Hooked and Stayed (Psst…It’s Not Your Fault)

Chapter 6: I’m Done—For Real

Chapter 7: The Aftermath

Chapter 8: Narcissists, Enablers, and Flying Monkeys—Oh My!

Chapter 9: What? Family is Forever? Do I Get a Choice?

Chapter 10: Understanding Trauma

Chapter 11: What Does the Body Have to Do With This?

Chapter 12: What is Normal? — How to Form Healthy Relationships in Adulthood

Chapter 13: Understanding Your Needs to Set Boundaries

Chapter 14: Are You Healing or Coping?

Chapter 15: Does Happily Ever After Actually Exists?

About the Author

Introduction

A lot of times when you’ve left a narcissistic relationship––or even while you’re in one–– questions come up: Why does the narcissist always seem to win? Where’s the victory in this? I was thinking about this and had an Aha! moment. When I wake up most mornings, I have this overall sense of calm and peace. I feel clear and strong. Like anyone else, I have bad days, and this is OK; I have far more good days than bad. Everything that happened is OK. I am OK––I will always be OK. That’s when I came to a realization: What if that is actually the win?

Your being gone is not a win for the narcissist; it’s a win for you. That is the victory. You left, and now you’re on a path to freedom and happiness. Now you know what this is, and now you can begin making different choices. The idea of narcissists always winning is an illusion. They are simply skilled at making others believe that they are amazing and at making people want to be around them. Ultimately, when you peel back at the layers, at the core, they are nothing.

So what makes me qualified to write a book about healing, connecting, and creating the life you not only want but deserve after experiencing narcissistic abuse? As I started to write this book, I realized that I have an unusual and priceless advantage. I am a psychologist, and I have the academic qualifications and licenses that qualify me as a therapist; however, my personal experience is what’s most significant. I’ve lived through trauma. I’ve experienced verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse––and a lot of the various categories of post-separation abuse from a narcissist as well. I have come out on the other side feeling stronger and more at peace.

All of this has put me in a position to reach out to, connect with, and help other women––like you. You don’t have to explain yourself to me—I truly get it. Many therapists are academically qualified and have studied narcissistic behavior and abuse, but few have actually experienced it first-hand, so they just don’t fully understand it. Being in—and getting out of—a relationship with a narcissist is not the kind of situation where you can simply read a book on the subject and get it. It truly comes down to having a personal experience.

It can be easy to fall into a hopeless mindset:

My narcissist has a house, car, and so much success; I live in an apartment, and I am struggling.

My ex is already in a relationship and life seems to be working out so well for him; I still haven’t found anyone. Who would ever want to deal with my crazy life? I will always be alone.

He doesn’t seem to be suffering at all, yet I am in so much pain. When is he going to be punished or suffer consequences for what he has done?

It might feel good to ask these questions, but are they helpful? They certainly don’t create growth. First off, none of these are the truth! They are all based on your perception and assumptions. These statements all have to do with someone else. And those thoughts about you are all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking.

Using words like always, never, and forever keeps you in a mindset that impedes growth and resiliency. It would not be true for anyone ever to say, I will always be alone. You need to shift your mindset and detach from this thinking. Basically, it’s about shifting your perception. You need to understand that you’re no longer a victim and intertwined into this toxicity, chaos, and abuse! You’re no longer in it. You left, you are detaching, and that’s freedom. It doesn’t matter if you left your narcissist or they left you—you’re out. How can you put a price on that?

Now, it’s time to pick up the pieces and put them back together. Whatever you create going forward is going to be so much better than what you had before because what you had before was dysfunctional. Think about it—there are only two options:

Option A) You stay. What was that going to look like? Was that relationship ever going to be the path to freedom or happiness? No, never.

Option B) You leave. You give yourself the opportunity to create a life with joy and connection. Isn’t taking the chance worth it for this huge possibility?

When anyone gets married, their expectation is that it will be a long and happy union. I’m sure yours was too. Nobody ever gets married thinking, Oh, there’s no way this is going to last. This person is going to abuse me. People always enter marriage with a hope and vision of always and forever.

My entire life took a completely different direction with a deep understanding of one medium-sized word: narcissism. Narcissism also refers to other words and terms: toxic, dysfunction, second-guessing, bad, crazy-making, abuse, blame, guilt, shame, etc.