LifeCrafting: How to Change (Just About) Any Behavior to Create an Extraordinary Life

By Bradley R.E. Wright and Cathryn Entner Wright

Would you like to live a more fulfilling life? A life marked by closeness to God, love for others, self-care, and productive purpose?
Just about any life improvement requires one thing: changing behavior. You'll either have to start a new behavior, refine an old one, or stop an unwanted behavior altogether. The decision to change behavior can be daunting because changing habits and routines is often difficult. Changes can bring about good, but they can also upend usual ways of doing things.
This book guides you in how to change just about any behavior for what the apostle Paul called "a more excellent way." The guidance is rooted in cutting-edge social science research joined with Christian understanding of the good life and how to achieve it. From this blended perspective, the book presents a general model for how you can effectively change your behavior. It gives you dozens of practical, proven strategies that you can start using right away.
What's the secret to behavior change? It happens best when a person combines several strategies. First, they start small. Next, they find ways to motivate themselves and to cultivate their spiritual gift of self-control. Finally, in all steps, they invite Christ into the process: through Scripture, prayer, and fellowship.
Imagine what your life would be like if you could better match what you do daily to what matters most to you both now and eternally! Matching your behavior to your core values with God alongside is the key to creating a truly beautiful life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Resource Publications
• Release date: Oct 19, 2023
• ISBN: 9781666792959

Bradley R.E. Wright

Bradley R. E. Wright is a professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut. He’s the author of books and articles about the interface between Christianity and social science. His current research explores how people find their purpose in life.

Book preview

Part I

Getting Ready to Create a Beautiful Life

1

It Could Be Amazing!

What kind of life would you like to live? Would you like to live a life that is more fulfilling, joyful, and fruitful than you’re living now—one that is closer to what God wants for you?

Most people would answer these questions with a resounding yes!

Living a better life is possible. However, this means having to intentionally change our behavior.

We have to stop the bad behaviors that block the good things in our life. For example, if we let our work tasks take up all of the hours of our day, we have neither the time nor energy to build life-giving relationships with other people. Likewise, if we eat poorly or otherwise don’t take care of our bodies, we diminish our health and, by extension, our capacity to serve others.

We have to increase the good behaviors that promote a fuller life. We have to create and maintain routines, habits, and regular actions that take us where we want to go. For example, if we want to learn to play the guitar well, we have to practice regularly—even if we don’t feel like it. If we want to have more energy, we have to exercise frequently.

Changing our behaviors will remake our lives.

This is both good news and bad news. The good news is that we can change our behavior. We are not just corks floating down the river, going wherever the currents in our life push us. No, as human beings, we have God-given free will, agency, and self-determination.¹ Sure, we can’t fully control every single aspect of our life, but we can make significant changes for the better. Proactively changing our life is a form of self-control, and self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. It allows us to use our God-given free will to chart the better route, to leave behind the sluggish backwaters of our past, and to embark on a more adventurous and beautiful journey down the river of our future.²

The bad news is that behavior change is hard. It’s not just a little hard, but it’s really, really hard. How do we know that it’s difficult? Think of how many people you know who are not able to change their behavior—whether it’s stopping an unwanted behavior or starting a wanted behavior. New Year’s resolutions are a wasteland of failed dreams.

Honestly, if behavior change was easy, we’d all have six-pack abs.³

Most books about living a better life tell you which behaviors to adopt or discard. Do this. Don’t do that. This is not one of those books. This book assumes that you already know what you want to change. The problem is that you can’t get yourself to make the change. How to change behavior successfully remains an enigma.

This book will teach you how to change just about any behavior that you want to change. Effective behavior change is not a mystery but a step-by-step journey. It’s a journey grounded in social scientific research, principles of Christian spirituality, and life experience. The methods presented in this book have been practiced and refined through group seminars, workshops, and classes. You can apply the principles of this book throughout your life. They will give you more control over how you act, and this, in turn, opens the door to a richer, fuller, happier, and ultimately a more meaningful life.⁴

A Metaphor

We can think of changing behavior as like learning to ride a horse. It’s exciting and fun but full of fits and starts.⁵

My (Bradley) last horse ride—many years ago—was in the mountains of Montana. My uncle took our family for a wonderful ride through the range and up a high path to a crystalline waterfall.

I knew a little, but not much, about how to ride a horse. I could sit in the saddle and stay on. It helped that my horse, a stocky golden beast with soft brown eyes, was benign in temperament, little troubled by what was happening around him. For the most part, he simply followed the other horses. If I wanted to turn, stop, or go faster, I would try different things with the reins and my feet. Sometimes they worked. Sometimes they didn’t. I was never sure what would work and why.

By contrast, my uncle and his horse rode as one. His horse, an elegant Appaloosa, always seemed to do exactly what my uncle wanted. My horse plodded straight along, looking at nothing and was somewhat unresponsive to my commands, while my uncle’s horse went back and forth along the line of riders according to my uncle’s unspoken and (to me) invisible command signals. They worked together as a team.

By analogy, many people are like me on that old plodding horse—in poor control of their everyday life. They may know what they would like out of life, but they do not know how to make it happen. Their habits, routines, and daily behaviors don’t add up to a joyful, exhilarating ride through life. Instead, ingrained routines, lack of knowledge, and murky purpose leave them feeling at the mercy of the day, the same way that I felt on my stubborn horse.

This book will train you in how to ride your life. It will teach you effective principles and strategies for adapting, altering, and controlling your habits of action. When you apply its principles, you will be able to accomplish what you want and leave behind the practices that you don’t. Your life will flourish in new and beautiful ways.

A Ripple Effect

It’s not just about you, however. As you learn how to take control of your own behavior, you’ll benefit the people in your personal orbit. When someone makes a happy change in their life, the people around them notice. This inspires them to live fuller, richer lives themselves.

Furthermore, the positive changes that you’ll make in your life will enable you to give more to others. As you redirect your own life toward joyful goals and activities, you will find yourself living more effectively and with more energy. You’ll have greater capacity to help others and greater desire to do so. This is the airplane oxygen mask principle: putting on your own oxygen mask first in an airplane emergency gives you the necessary lungfuls of air to help other people do the same. Embracing more purposeful habits of living strengthens you to give more effectively to others.

The Limits to this Approach

This book is about changing behaviors over which a person has some level of control. These include many of the habits and behaviors of daily living. They are behaviors that we might change as we apply ourselves to doing so.

There are other behaviors, however, over which people have little to no control. These other behaviors are rooted in deeper causes such as addiction and mental illness. Grappling with these types of behaviors requires specialized training and support, and they are beyond the purview of this book. The promise of this book is that you’ll learn how to change just about any behavior—but not all possible behaviors.

Your Turn

To prepare you for the rest of the book, take a moment to think about the following question. You can jot down your answer in the space given. This question will help you to understand your plans and motivations for changing behavior. This will help you to move forward, and it will give you a starting point from which to look back on later in your journey.

Why do you want to learn how to change your behavior?

1

. Prov

16

:

9

; Wrong, Oversocialized Conception of Man.

2

. Gal

5

:

22

–

3

.

3

. This is a play on a Derek Sivers quote. Sivers, If More Information.

4

. Milam et al., Self-Efficacy and Well-Being.

5

. The metaphor of riding an animal is often used for behavior change. For example, Haidt, Righteous Mind.

2

God’s Plan of Change and Growth

Change is a regular aspect of life. Indeed, God’s creation of the world was the epitome of change. Day and night, youth and age, different seasons, different emotions: all are his handiwork, painted into our lives. As the writer of Ecclesiastes observes, to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven (Eccl 3:1–8 KJV). Indeed, the only unchanging thing mentioned in the Bible is God himself. He is good, and his steadfast love endures forever (Ps 136:1–26).

Christ’s Call on Us to Change

Scripture encourages us to meet each day with joy and gladness. Life is a gift from God. The seasons of life and the responses they require are also a gift. Meeting those seasons, reveling in the beauty of God’s world—all are part of the life God wants for us.

Yet, as the passage from Ecclesiastes shows, change is a constant in the world. Thus, we must grow and change to fully experience the adventure of life. Ideally, how we behave and respond to the world around us continually changes as we mature. For instance, at the age of two, if my mother said no to my demand for a second cookie, I might have responded by throwing a temper tantrum and shrieking in frustration. Now that I’m an adult, if my supervisor at work says no to a suggestion, I’m not going to throw myself on the floor, howling, and drumming my feet. Or, at least, I shouldn’t. Sure, I still feel frustrated, but a screaming fit is not a mature way to handle my emotions. It’s as Paul points out: When I was a child, I spoke just like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways (1 Cor 13:11 NIV).

Most people, as they mature, give up their childish ways because that’s what’s expected of them. As Christians, we have another, deeper reason to change our behaviors: to model our character and actions after that of Jesus Christ. Therefore be imitators of God, says Paul in Ephesians, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us (5:1–2 NASB).

Paul calls this process sanctification, which in its original sense meant being set aside for God, often ritually purified for use in the temple. We are to present our bodies—our lives, emotions, and actions—as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect (Rom 12:1–2 ESV). The apostle John made reference to this too. Beloved, now we are children of God . . . and everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He [God] is pure (1 John 3:2–3 NASB). God has gifted us with our lives. He had drawn us to him through his love. Our loving return to him is to be transformed—to reshape our thoughts (Rom 12:2 NASB) and actions to a more excellent way of life (1 Cor 12:31 ESV).

The Difficulty of Changing Behavior—Holy or Otherwise

The big point of the preceding passages is that our behaviors matter. They matter to us; they matter to others; they matter to God. Even though they are often difficult to change, we need to tend to them.

The Book of Common Prayer beautifully expresses both our need to transform ourselves and the results of failing to do so. In its ancient liturgy, we acknowledge that we have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and have done those things which we ought not have done.⁶ This prayer acknowledges both our sins of omission and sins of commission. Both types of behavior draw us away from closeness with Christ and show the people around us a not-so-excellent way of behaving. Overcoming these sins usually means having to change our behavior.

Change in the Christian Life: Whose Job Is It?

Whose responsibility is it to change our behavior? Is it God’s? Ours? Both?

We can certainly try to change our behavior on our own, without explicitly including God or other Christians. We might even have some success at it. Yet, God has a different plan for us. We don’t have to go at it alone in anything. We are created, the Bible tells us, to walk with God through the garden of our lives—whether that garden is lovely or brambly. Jesus promises to be with us always (Matt 28:20) and the Holy Spirit is given to us as a guide (Rom 8:14).

Yes, God sometimes miraculously brings about behavior change in our lives with little or no effort on our part. There are many stories of Christians suddenly and seemingly inexplicably being freed of habitual destructive behavior patterns. I (Bradley) have experienced this multiple times. For example, in my sophomore year of high school, I had a profound come-to-God experience. Before it, I would lose my temper, sometimes violently, at the smallest of frustrations. After it, I became much more patient. I did not plan this change. It was solely God’s doing. This change was dramatic enough that it convinced my father, who was an atheist at that time, to support my involvement in Christianity because he saw it as good for me.

If God can change our behavior sovereignly, shouldn’t we just sit back and wait for him to do it? That certainly would be easier for us. But this way of thinking implies that we can continue with unhelpful behaviors—such as laziness, gossip, drunkenness, rages, and so forth—because we’re not really responsible for changing them—that’s solely up to God.

Scripture nixes this idea. God is loving and awesome and powerful, but we are responsible for our life choices. We need to work with God to reshape our actions. At some deep, mysterious level, we cocreate our lives with God. It isn’t just us. It isn’t just him. It’s a duet involving both our effort and his grace. Without one or the other, the song will never be truly melodious.

Paul refers to this joint work in his letter to the Colossians: For this I toil, struggling with all the energy that he powerfully works within me (Col 1:29 ESV). Later he returns to this theme, urging his readers that whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord (Col 3:23 NIV). In 2 Pet 1, Peter argues that God’s divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life. What to do with this power? We must make every effort to shape our lives for goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, and love. Proverbs uses a metaphor for this interplay between our work and the Lord’s. The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord (21:31 ESV). In short, we humans must toil, work, and put forth effort. God bestows his movement and power. Behavior change for the Christian combines our own personal action and the work of the Spirit.

Philosopher Dallas Willard framed this as an interplay between vision from God and our intentions. In Renovation of the Heart, he wrote, "Imagine a person wondering day after day if he or she is going to learn Arabic or if he or she is going to get married to a certain person—just waiting to see whether it would happen. This would be laughable . . . we must intend the vision if it is to be realized. That is, we must initiate, bring into being those factors that would bring them into reality."⁷

The interplay between our effort and God’s grace is powerfully illustrated by Joshua’s battle against the Amalekites in Exodus 17. It was a pitched battle. The Israelites fought hard. They put forth tremendous effort. There were injuries and death. Yet, they only knew victory when Moses raised his hands to the Lord. Victory was both effort and grace—not just one or the other.

Your Turn

How have you experienced God’s grace in changing behavior in the past?

6

. Howe, Book of Common Prayer,

41

–

42

.

7

. Willard, Renovation of the Heart,

82

.

3

What Do You Want to Change?

Here’s a funny question for you. It’s one that you probably think about often but maybe you’ve never clearly articulated it: How would you want your life to be better?

When we think about improving the quality of our lives, we naturally set goals for ourselves. These goals reflect our priorities—our ideals, our aims, the things that matter most to us in life. Accomplishing these goals is the key to enriching our lives. It also, almost always, entails changing our behaviors in a specific area.

For example, suppose that you want to have strong, vital friendships—the kind of friendships in which you support each other and truly make a difference in each other’s life. This is a beautiful goal, and it’s one much needed in today’s society. However, to bring it about