A Dove in the Shadows: My Mental Health Recovery Journey from Patient to Professional

By Jennifer Silbaugh

*** A Dove in the Shadows was selected as the first place winner for nonfiction excellence at The Author Zone Awards for 2023 and as an American Book Fest Best Book Awards finalist for 2023. ***

Have you ever felt completely broken?

Like you're barely surviving each day, just existing?

Relying on something to keep you going ...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Aurora Corialis Publishing
• Release date: Aug 29, 2023
• ISBN: 9781958481110

Jennifer Silbaugh

Jennifer is a first-time author and a mental health advocate. She is a healthy, strong woman and a daughter, sister, wife, dog-mom, homeowner, artist, handbell ringer, consumer, advocate, and professional in the mental health field. She is dedicated to offering help and hope to those suffering from mental health challenges and finds joy in her family, friends, art, and God.Jennifer's journey from patient to professional began in 1993 as a patient seeking help with her own mental health struggles. After many years and some changes in the system, she was (and is) considered a consumer. A tumultuous journey involving a great deal of pain, lots of self-initiated hard work, and some key medical professionals started Jennifer's advocacy path. Beginning in 2010, she was an advocate for UPMC's Youth and Family Training Institute (YFTI) and worked on the Peer Support & Advocacy Network's (PSAN) Warmline from 2011-2013.A commitment to her own healing allowed Jennifer to become a certified peer specialist from 2013-2020. Jennifer was the first certified peer specialist to receive the UPMC Award for Commitment in Excellence and Service (ACES) in 2015.Jennifer spends her summers camping and picking out beach glass on the shores of Lake Erie. She has a passion for recycling and finding beauty in what others see as trash. She loves finding treasures at garage sales and her local Goodwill outlet.Jennifer believes sharing her story is empowering and hopes it can help others in their healing journey.She lives in Rostraver Township, Pa., with her husband Scott and her poodle, Petey.If you want to donate or learn more about programs that benefit consumers (like Jennifer) at UPMC Western Psychiatric Hospital and UPMC Western Behavioral Health, please inquire through the following: Website: https://www.upmc.com/locations/hospitals/western-psychiatric/about/giving

Book preview

A Dove in the Shadows: My Mental Health Journey from Patient to Professional

Copyright © 2023 by Jennifer Silbaugh

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, microfilm, recording, or otherwise—without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Some names of people in this book have been changed to protect their stories.

For more information, please email the publisher: [e-mail].

Printed in the United States of America

Story Development: Peter L Heyrman

Editing: Allison Hrip, Aurora Corialis Publishing

Cover Design: Karen Captline, BetterBe Creative

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-958481-10-3

EBook ISBN: 978-1-958481-11-0

Praise for

A Dove in the Shadows

Jennifer’s descriptive writing creatively paints a picture of the intense emotions and feelings often associated with mental illness, which many people can relate to. Her honest admissions of despair will connect with readers on a very personal level, giving her an opening to also convey hope, encouragement, and inspiration. If one person can overcome their darkest feelings to lead a happy and fulfilling life, others can, too.

Debbie Ference, MA

Chief Operating Officer

NAMI Keystone PA

___

Jennifer is a wonderful person with a chronic mood problem, and her story can be summed up like this: ‘To help others, you first must help yourself.’ As related in her book, through resiliency and the power of her will, she was able to heal and then, as a certified peer specialist, successfully dedicate herself to supporting other people with mental illness. Her story will certainly provide hope to others.

Boris Birmaher, MD

Professor of Psychiatry

___

"Jennifer Silbaugh writes a brave, honest, and intriguing story of her journey facing mental illness and how she was able to use her experiences to reach a place of recovery and motivation for others. This book will inspire others who are wondering how to move forward.

I have had the privilege and honor to know Jennifer Silbaugh over the years. In her book, Jennifer shares her personal experience facing mental health challenges and how she was able to find strength to embrace change, fight for her recovery, and support others with her personal story. This book will help so many people who may be struggling and stuck to take those next steps of their own.

Shannon M. Fagan, MS

___

Jen’s story will be a source of hope and inspiration for many people. She worked hard to overcome obstacles and build the life she wanted for herself. Ultimately, mental health recovery is about the pursuit of happiness, and Jen is the living embodiment of this ideal. Her work in peer support has enabled her to assist others as they strive to achieve their own goals. If you are in recovery or supporting someone else who is, please read this book!

Kevin Trenney, Recovery Educator

___

Recovery is neither easy nor simple but it is very real and very achievable. Ms. Silbaugh shares her personal journey to recovery and the lessons she has learned. It is a story of recovery and a story about hope that needs to be heard by people living with mental illness, the friends and family who love them, and the healthcare professionals who care for them.

Jack Rozel, MD, MSL , DFAPA

Contents

Disclaimer

A Note from the Author

Foreword

Preface - Pain Is My Power!

Chapter 1 - We Did All We Could…

Chapter 2 - My Daily Demons

Chapter 3 - Let’s Get This Resolved

Chapter 4 - A Former Patient

Chapter 5 - Suffering in Silence

Chapter 6 - Fly on the Wall

Chapter 7 - The War Has Just Begun

Chapter 8 - You Are Not Invisible

Chapter 9 - Comfort in the Chaos

Chapter 10 - You’re an ACE

Chapter 11 - Too Close to Home

Chapter 12 - Why Are You Still Waiting?

Chapter 13 - The Power of Support

Chapter 14 - Beauty in the Broken

Chapter 15 - We Need This ASAP

Chapter 16 - Well, Isn’t That Shocking?

Chapter 17 - Make Hope A Habit

Chapter 18 - That’s A Wrap

More Hopeful Discoveries for You

Jen’s Hope Playlist

Acknowledgements

Glossary

About the Author

Disclaimer

The author of this book is not a medical doctor, psychologist, or therapist. We make no claims to cure, diagnose, or treat any disease. This book is meant to serve as an educational and inspirational tool for the reader. Please consult with your doctor if you have any questions about starting a new therapy or treatment.

Although the publisher and the author have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time and while this publication is designed to provide accurate information in regard to the subject matter covered, the publisher and the author assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or any other inconsistencies and herein and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

The publisher and the author make no guarantees concerning the level of success you may experience by following the advice and strategies contained in this book, and you accept the risk that results will differ for each individual.

Reading this book implies consent to these disclaimers.

If you are having thoughts of suicide—whether or not you are in crisis—or know someone who is, reach out to someone who can help. Talk to your therapist or call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Call or text 988.

A Note from the Author

I wrote this book challenged with permanent long-term memory loss from over 200 electroconvulsive therapy treatments (ECT). I chose to overcome my limits by revisiting journal entries, photos, and memories from other people in my life to help me piece together my story. Now, I chose to make new memories.

This book is for …

those who fight silent battles in their minds,

those who lost the battle, and

all those who are just surviving … may you one day enjoy fully the gift of life.

Alin J Severance, MD

Board-Certified Psychiatrist

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

My name is Alin Severance, and I have worked as a psychiatrist in a variety of clinical settings in the greater Pittsburgh area since 2007. My path has crossed with Jen’s many times over the years, initially with her as a patient and then later with her as a professional colleague. It has given me great pleasure to bear witness to her personal recovery journey over the years, and my hope is that this book she has written will allow you to do so as well.

Storytelling can have a profound effect on us, helping us connect emotionally with another person’s lived experience, inspiring us to make changes in our lives, and highlighting deeper truths that are difficult to express. Jen’s story is a painful one, but also a strong argument for hope and resilience in the face of serious mental illness.

For a long time, the mental health system was not able to alleviate her suffering, and her repeated efforts to end her life speak to the bleakness that she experienced on a frequent basis. Many health professionals, myself included, may struggle with patients they feel unable to help, and patients quickly pick up on their frustration and discomfort. I have no doubt that Jen encountered pessimism and at times irritation in many of her interactions with a mental health system that was supposed to provide her with hope and safety. And I know from personal experience what it feels like to try to help someone who preemptively assumes that you don’t really care about them, or that you will conclude that they are beyond helping. This is why her story is so necessary: for health professionals who doubt that people like Jen can live a rich and fulfilling life; for patients like Jen who wonder what they could have to look forward to if they choose to live; and for the families and friends who know and love someone like Jen.

In this book, she invites you to walk alongside her as she suffers through her young adulthood, and then forges that suffering into a unique set of skills to connect with other patients and help them find their own strength. She demonstrates the potential for a peer support specialist to bridge the gap between patients and their treatment team—not simply by being an effective ally, advocate, and role model to other patients, but also by inspiring her fellow health professionals and reminding them by her presence and warmth that people are much more than their diagnoses, and that hope is a powerful antidote against resignation.

I have been fortunate to work alongside and learn from several colleagues with personal histories of mental illness and substance abuse. They helped me have a greater understanding and empathy for my patients with similar lived experiences. Despite there being a long history of peer support within 12-step communities, the medical community has only more recently began incorporating peer supporters into treatment settings. Most mental health professionals that I know received no training on how best to collaborate with peer support specialists, and I sometimes questioned what was reasonable or appropriate to ask of them. It often felt like their experience was not fully appreciated or utilized, but I also did not want to be overly intrusive in asking about their recovery journey, and above all I did not want to place their mental health at risk by asking them to work with a client on problems that might be triggering or traumatic. This book would have been helpful to me in finding that balance, and more effectively advocating for our peer support specialists to feel like a core part of our team. As Jen demonstrates in this book, they have so much to offer.

For too long, stories like Jen’s have gone unspoken and unheard outside of those of us who work in the mental health field. Positive media representation of people living with a mental illness can do a lot to counter harmful stereotypes and bolster the self-esteem for people who feel unseen and marginalized. I am delighted to write this foreword because Jen’s achievements should be celebrated and because other people need to hear more stories like hers.

Fly Free

By Jennifer Silbaugh

She thought that no one cared

That her life was bare

And questioned every day why she was spared

Crying herself to sleep thinking she had lost the fight

They didn’t know what to do

Even she was left with no clue

Empty, broken and lost

Started wishing there was any other battle she could have fought

Decided it was enough

Decided she was going to have to be tough

Finally stood up – Just to Say:

This is My Life!

And found hope in a brand new day

That small tiny little light will always be there

But now burns bright

Trust in what you can be

Because it’s always been there but now you can see

She CAN BREATHE!

Oh, she can breathe

In The Light

You can Fly Free

But just remember what’s beneath

Remember to not fall too deep

And always chose to climb the mountains even if they are steep

Poem from a Former Patient

December 2012

May this one chapter in your book of Life make

you stronger to endure your journey.

May HOPE conquer your fears so you can

break through the barriers you are facing.

Be your own best friend and allow yourself to

Celebrate every little victory,

because they add up!

Create opportunities to Thrive and not just survive.

Forgive yourself often but never forget what

made you the strong person you are Today.

Set your own limits and break through

boundaries set by others.

May you be Proud of yourself and all you are becoming.

Don’t just hope for change, make it happen.

Key Discoveries:

Go after all the things you want and believe you can accomplish them.

Live your life unstoppable!

I was 32 years old when I finally realized there might be hope for me, for my future. I’d never seen this kind of opportunity before—to live outside the system—so I felt sure it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance to live a life that wasn’t blocked by mental illness. Day-to-day life had never come easy for me, and a life free of inner demons was a dream that seemed reserved for others. They took it for granted, but for me, it was a seemingly impossible blessing that I could barely even imagine. I’d prayed for that kind of life, but it hadn’t yet been a part of my experience. So much of what I’d known and felt had been rooted in pain, and I was just starting to learn that my suffering could be used for a greater good, so I stepped into this new opportunity.

I’d always wondered why I couldn’t be happy like everyone else. Why had my young life been afflicted with such destructive burdens? Why had my relationships, my future, and often my life, wound up at risk? So often, whatever treatments I tried ended up feeling like bridges that had no end and holes that had no bottom. It was like walking into mazes that trapped me in confusion and dark tunnels where shadows hid the chains that bound me. Whenever I advanced, something pulled me back into the swamp of disappointment. I lived in a daily nightmare that had nearly left me for dead.

For 20 years, I’d been caught in the grips of severe mental illness. My hopelessness was beyond belief. I relied on anyone and everyone to fix me, becoming dependent on a mental health system that led me into deeper despair. Whatever I once was, had disappeared. The doctors tried everything: endless medications and therapies, including electroconvulsive therapy. At age 32, they wanted to operate on my brain with no clear vision of what the surgery might do. They were out of options, and I was at the end of my rope.

In this moment, I heard the world gently whisper in my ear. The voice’s message was simple: You don’t have to rely on anyone but yourself to realize the power inside of you. I realized it had been whispering for years, but I’d refused to hear it. Would I listen this time? Could I let this kind voice guide me to the end of my long and painful road? On that road, I’d felt as if my life was under threat every single day for the previous two decades. I’d seen others on the same road fail and lose their lives, including friends, family, and many others I met along the way. Would my road have a better end? I didn’t know, but this was my chance to find out. If I was going to guide my future in a different direction, I would have to learn from my pain.

I recognized that this opportunity, this whisper, could be my big break. I’d always known recovery would be a daunting task, and failure would be one more excuse to end my life. I’d faced that fate so many times before but never finalized it. Suicide was my go-to option—my addiction—but I’d never gone all the way. My new philosophy became: If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose, so I decided to try trusting myself. I knew there was a real risk I might not return from this journey, but I had to find myself.

This decision changed the course of my life. While it arose from devastation, something I was familiar with, I could not let the destruction continue. I’d reached my point of no return. This was my moment. Thanks to that voice, for the first time, I decided to live. I took control and made my own decisions. I learned to cope with my past, which opened my future. I started searching for the Jen I’d always wanted to be, but I’d never known. I met that internal challenge, and my relationships changed. I began transforming my pain.

I was completely terrified to believe I could be happy… this was uncharted territory. But I took a leap of faith, and trusted things could get better outside of the confinement of overbearing treatment. At first, it was much harder—no one told me what to do anymore. Finally, well into my adult years, I had to learn to take care of myself. I had always been my own worst enemy; now, I would have to learn to be my own best friend.

Since I made that decision, I’ve never been happier. I cherish every moment, and I focus on life and helping others. I’m proud of my resilience. After all, things didn’t magically fall into place. I had to strategize, creating a new life that set me up for success, not failure. I didn’t pick this life, it picked me, but I chose not to run from it. I accepted it … and now, I love all that I can be because of it.

As I repurposed my pain into my power, I kept a promise to myself. I swore I would never be admitted for inpatient treatment again. Even though Western Psychiatric Hospital (Western) is nationally known and part of the well-respected University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC), I did not want to go back there or to any other psychiatric hospital. I developed the habit of cutting out the things that didn’t work in my life. I learned to live on hope. That became the pill that pushed me through the day. I needed hope to survive, but hope doesn’t show up automatically. I found that often, I must create it, which requires a passion for my own life and an outlet to help others. I want to be there for others as I would want them to be there for me. Now, I try to be someone who understands. I’m not trained in medicine or therapy, but I can relate to people who are in desperation. I share in their experience and can see their strength because I’ve found that strength in myself. As a result, I can help them as they find their own ways to recover.

As I recovered, I joined the brave ranks of certified peer specialists (CPS). We’re the ones who support people we call consumers. Consumers are people receiving mental health services and are encouraged to make choices that direct their care, as opposed to a patient, who has little involvement in