The Porcelain Throne

By Authors Who Should Know Better

Jason really needed to go. Unfortunately, truck-kun agreed.

The porta-portie was right there, and no matter how bad it was, it couldn't be as bad as shitting himself. Little did Jason know that the proverbial creek was real - and truck-kun sent him straight there without a paddle. As unlikely as it may sound, the circumstances of his death ensured him a one-way trip to the single realm that could make his day end up even more poo-rly than before.

Thrown into a world where floaters can kill and flatulence is your friend - without a single wet wipe in sight. Jason's going to clean up this world or die trying.

All proceeds from The Porcelain Throne will be donated to the Fight Colorectal Cancer (Fight CRC) organization.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Starlit Publishing
• Release date: Jun 23, 2023
• ISBN: 9781778551345

Book preview

Poologue

By: Yes, Blame Me

There are few matters more terrifying beneath heaven and hell than a late summer old porta-potty beside a popular hiking site. The smell was redolent, a mixture of both fresh and old waste. The sides of the light green plastic material had been sprayed by the effluence of an individual who would need a seeing-eye dog, a compass, and a GPS locator to even find the hole. And the ground was caked with what Jason could only hope was mud.

It wasn’t.

Even after all that, after a day-long hike and too much coffee, and too many bran muffins, with crowds all around, there was no other choice. Steep cliffs and thorny bushes meant that hiding behind a tree or shrubbery would be painful. The crowds moving back and forth meant sneaking away was a lousy bet. And the Park Ranger eyeing him told him that squatting between cars was an even worse idea.

Into the quagmire Jason stepped, his breath held as he peeled the door open. It gave way with a creak, and for a second, he debated how he was to do this.

The helicopter? Hovering the edge without touching?

The Slav squat? Risking falling in but highly effective.

The pump and dump? Most common, but with hopes of minimal contact.

So many options, and his breath was running out.

Jason had just decided on the Slav squat and begun clambering upwards when disaster struck.

A much delayed truck, meant to pick up and swap up the porta-potty arrived. The driver was in a hurry, his phone shrieking the discordant notes of Let Me Poop as his son called him once more. He backed off too far, too fast and struck the porta-potty.

And perhaps a little magic was involved, as his accelerator stuck and ran Jason and the porta-potty over. A little magic, because sometimes, you just had to be sure that there weren’t any final, dangling ends.

Chapter 1: It Shits in the Woods

By: With Apologies

Jason didn’t think he’d lived a terrible life. He had tried to avoid doing harm when it could be prevented, which Jason had thought would be enough for the karmic balance of the universe. Clearly, however, he’d been mistaken. But even if so, literally dying by being run over while in a porta-potty had to be a humiliating enough death to wipe the slate clean, right?

As he looked over the brown landscape, dotted with piles of different shades of brown and green that were being swarmed by flies, he had to conclude that he had been wrong. Because clearly this was hell.

Nearby, there was a rather large pair of rocks. Round, symmetrical, fleshy—it was a butt. There was a whole-ass butt just jutting out of the ground. As if sensing Jason’s attention, the exposed buttocks clenched for a moment.

Then it farted.

This was no fart a mortal ass could have produced. It’s what happened to Zeus after seven meals of Taco Bell. That was the flatulence of a god, and Jason was no god. He was rocked back by the sheer force of the toot, sent sprawling onto his back as the sound echoed over and over across the landscape. Birds flew from trees, and in the distance a child wailed.

Well, Jason said, staring up at the sky. Shit.

That word must have been a signal to something. Words flashed across his vision.

Name: Jason

Class: Undecided

Special Abilities:

The Continent One: Able to store your fecal reserves 25% longer.

Cut the Crap: Deals light damage. 5 Fecal Matter, 1 Flatulence.