Trauma is a Catalyst

By Carrie Rickert

A catalyst is something or someone that provokes significant change. A trauma is a catalyst. The change--whether physical, emotional, spiritual, or all three--doesn't happen immediately. The change is a journey with side steps and detours along the way. The only hard and fast rule is that you can't go back to who you were before. This is the story of Carrie Rickert's journey of change after such a catalyst. Her life-threatening accident and related complications started her down this path of examining what was, what is, and what could be. Most importantly, though, this is a story of hope, of possibility, of embracing the fight to become something new. This path has been filled with craters and dips, pivots and weird circles, and a lot of it has been completely terrible. If she had an option, she wouldn't go back. She wouldn't trade who she is now and who she is going to become. Join Carrie on this journey of life's ups and downs and let her words, her perspective, and her humor about it all inspire you to be grateful for the catalysts in your life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: Jun 7, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887315232

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

Introduction

Part 1: The Accident and Acute Recovery

Sue

Carrie

Part 2: The Accident and Post-Acute Recovery, My Perspective

On…

On Being Broken

On Inspiration

On What I Remember

On the New Normal

On Disability

On Symbols

On Life Lessons

On Experiences That I'm Glad to Have

On Mourning My Old Self

On Religion

On Getting and Being Better

On Accepting New Challenges

On Laughing My Way Through

On Being a Realist

On Being Kind

On Lessons from Spin

On Memories versus Things

On Empathy

On Failure

On Opportunities

On Anniversaries

On Perspective

On Trials

On Thanksgiving

On Christmas Magic

On the New Year

On Being Wonder Woman

On Being Real

On My Quest for Home

On Hearing Seagulls

On Almost Dying

On Being Fiercely Independent

On Going All-In

On Looking Back

On My Natural State

On Me

On the Idealized Version

On Bravery

On Choosing Peace

On Choices

On Image

On a Close-Out Year

On Parenting…the Gratitude and Grief of Raising Children

On the Societal Expectations of Brave

On What I Learned from High School Field Hockey

On Lessons from My Son

On Filling My Pot with Gold

On Anniversaries (Part 2)

On Being an Anomaly

On Resting

On Strength

On Complaining

On Significance and Success

On Lessons from Grammy

On Opening Doors

On Believing We Can

On Moments

On Understanding Grief

On Miracles…or Not

On Forty

On the Important Difference

On Possibility

On Tricks for Positivity

On Anniversaries (Part 3)

On the Hardest Thing Ever

On Words

On What If I Am Not Enough

On the Family I Picked

On Why I Share

On New Chapters and New Hope

On Survivors' Challenges

On Adaptability

On the Power of Perseverance

On Knights in Shining Armor

On Anniversaries (Part 4)

On the Unexpected Village

On Milestone Anniversaries On Anniversaries (Part 5)

On a HobbleJog

On Guardian Angels

On Anchors and Melancholy

On Trepidation

On Survival Teams

On Why I Say Yes to Trying New Things

On Anniversaries (Part 6)

On Neurofatigue

On Why the Strongest People Go to Therapy

On the Meaning of Success

Part 3: Now What?

I am the Sky

I open this part of the book this way to acknowledge all the work I have done and continue to do to heal. I must be very intentional about both acknowledging my feelings and letting them pass me by. This segment of the book is the next part of my life, the part I'm living now. It is not necessarily linear or on a neat time line, but it is real and the culmination of all of it is where I am now no matter when in time these things or thoughts occurred.

Trauma Is a Catalyst

Trauma—the definition

Marriage, Divorce, and Single Parenting

Homeownership

And Then There Was a Tornado

School Decisions

And Then There Was a Pandemic

Depression

Forced Friends

Letting Go

Hearing Things Clearly

Complicated Relationships

More on God

The Weight of Responsibility

Pain and Exhaustion

Running

Abortion

Guilt

A Side Journey, Then and Now

Alone

Getting Worked Up

Metaphors for Life

Arriving Isn't a Thing

Autoimmune Disorders, Skin Cancer, and Trauma

The Little Eeyore Cloud Hanging over My Head

Sandwiches

The Needier Piece of Bread

Expectations and What's Next?

Acknowledgements

About the Author

cover.jpg

Trauma is a Catalyst

Carrie Rickert

Copyright © 2023 Carrie Rickert

All rights reserved

First Edition

Fulton Books

Meadville, PA

Published by Fulton Books 2023

ISBN 979-8-88731-522-5 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88731-523-2 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Introduction

My life completely blew up when I was thirty-seven. To be honest, my life had been in the process of blowing up since before my daughter was born. I had just been making myself so busy that I refused to acknowledge it or do anything about it. And then I went into a full-on landslide.

Technically, I was still thirty-six when I asked my husband of almost ten years for a divorce. That was in May. We had been struggling for years (or to be more exact, I had been struggling for years), and so I did it.

I turned thirty-seven in June. My entire birth month was filled with mediation, finding a new place to live with my two kids, and spending awkward nights still sharing a bed with a husband I no longer wanted to spend a life with. Fortunately, it was a king-sized bed, and even more fortunately, we had lots of extra pillows to put down the middle. Still uncomfortable. In July, I moved out. At this point, the kids were going to spend 60 percent of their time with me and 40 percent of their time with their dad.

During this same time, and I am sure as a by-product of the extreme stress I was going through at home, I was also failing at work. Even though I knew I was good at my job, I couldn't seem to get anything right. I knew I would eventually leave, but I also needed to support my family. It was a crazy time.

If that was not enough change and upheaval, it was about to get worse. I was about to have to literally fight for my life. On October 11, 2013, I was involved in a car accident. I was traveling with my friend and coworker Emily to a work event. Evidently it was pouring rain (I don't remember any of this). Also evidently, when I exited from I-95 onto Route 100, I ended up hydroplaning into the back of a tractor trailer that was parked on the shoulder (because of lack of visibility). I do not recommend that anyone do this—it does not turn out well.

Now I've provided you with some context for the rest of the book. My life was a shit show, and then I almost killed myself. I promise it ends well (or doesn't end, which is really positive).

This book is broken up into three parts:

The accident and initial recovery (from my mother's perspective)

Post-acute recovery according to me (from my blog)

Now what? (life now)

Part 1

The Accident and Acute Recovery

My mom, Sue Rickert, spent every day in the hospital with me and wrote entries on Caring Bridge for all the people who were praying for me and sending me love and healing thoughts. I think she would also say she wrote those entries for her to process what she was going through as my mother. If you don't know my mom, you'll know her soon through these pages. She is amazing. I absolutely know I am lucky she is mine.

Please note, there are a couple of entries in here from my ex-husband. At the time of my accident, we were newly separated, and he became the full-time caretaker of my children while I was in the hospital.

Sue

Carrie is in the hospital after a car accident the afternoon of October 11. She is recovering with her family at her side. Please read the journal for updates and details. Add your messages under Guestbook so we can share them with Carrie while she recovers.

Carrie's accident and emergency care

By Sue Rickert: October 12, 2013, 3:13 p.m.

Carrie was in a severe car accident yesterday. She ran into the rear end of a parked tractor trailer on the shoulder of the highway. The incident occurred right after noon in a bad rain downpour. She was driving her car to a client in Columbia, with a coworker.

She sustained a serious head injury. The doctors at University of Maryland Shock Trauma Center are describing her condition as critical yet stable. She has a skull fracture and significant swelling. They were able to reduce her cranial pressure right away. There is concern about a small bruise and bone fragment near her brain stem.

Carrie has been heavily sedated so as not to aggravate her own injuries. She has been able to open her eyes and respond to commands from caregivers (toe wiggling, etc.). The swelling has come down since yesterday afternoon. This is likely to fluctuate over the next two weeks.

Prognosis for recovery is good. She will be at Shock Trauma ICU for two to three weeks. After that, she will need several weeks at a rehabilitation hospital. Carrie will have to wear a neck collar for three to six months.

In addition to the head injury, her left hand has been crushed. She had orthopedic surgery this afternoon to repair her middle, ring, and pinky finger. This surgery was successful, though she will not have 100 percent use of her hand.

Carrie's passenger, Emily, was also injured and brought to Shock Trauma. Both of her arms were broken in the accident, but she did escape head injury. The orthopedic surgeons worked extensively on her last night. She is likely to be discharged in a few days.

Sue, Marshall, Steve (soon-to-be ex-husband), and Kristin (SIL) were by Carrie's side immediately after she arrived at the hospital. Joe, Misti, and Jeremy from entreQuest (leaders of company where she previously worked) were also among the first responders. Their support has been appreciated by the family. Lorne (brother) arrived later in the evening as he had been out of town for work. Cindy and Barry (Steve's parents) have been helping with Simon and Alli in this time of crisis. The children have not been informed of the accident. Steve is planning to do this in the simplest of terms tomorrow afternoon.

Please keep Carrie in your thoughts and prayers. We will continue to update this journal with the latest news on her progress. We hope you will post messages that we can share with Carrie while she recovers from this tragedy.

October 13

By Sue Rickert: October 13, 2013, 4:54 a.m.

5:45 a.m.: Carrie is more alert this a.m. She wants to communicate. Since she is still intubated, the nurse asked if she wanted to write. She nodded. Given marker and paper, she was able to hold it and weakly print work. I assured her that her colleagues had been here and were going to be waiting for her when she was well enough to return. I updated her on Emily's status and told her Marshall and I had visited her yesterday and that she was supposed to be discharged last night. She then wrote time. I think she was trying to figure out how long she'd been away from work. We have been talking to her regularly about Alli and Simon and how Minnie and Moe were taking them to their activities, Simon to Cub Scouts, and Alli to dance, so she didn't have to worry about them. Of course, work was her next priority. We are so thankful that she is able to process what is being said. Please continue praying for our beautiful daughter that God's healing powers and the talent of the medical team unite to make Carrie whole again. Thank you to all who are keeping us in your prayers.

Sunday

By Sue Rickert: October 13, 2013, 10:55 a.m.

Ortho was in this a.m. to change the bandage on her surgical site. I was able to see her fingers where the screws and wires were placed. There is no skin on the tops of her fingers. The amazing thing is that she was able to move them. She separated her fingers, so the docs could place the bandage between the digits!

12:30 p.m.

OMG! Carrie is out of bed. The research doc says she is doing extraordinarily well for the severity of the injury and the fact that this is just day three. They are hoping to extubate her today!

Carrie has been writing and signing to me. She has asked for her phone. All who know her can appreciate that this is her security blanket. Marshall took her personal effects to Cambridge. Our dear friends, Bob and Joyce, are bringing her phone to her…

Sunday evening

By Steve Root: October 13, 2013, 7:27 p.m.

As you know by now, Carrie has been making tremendous progress since the accident. Her strength and desire to fight against all odds hasn't surprised me; she is a very determined individual, and I have no doubt she'll fight it out. This evening, some of us (myself, my parents Cindy and Barry, Sue, Lorne, and baby Sadie) gathered at my parents to break the news of Mommy's accident to Simon and Alli. It was great to see Sue so upbeat and excited about Carrie's progress. I have been with everyone since day one, and looking back, we were all emotionally wrecked and drained. But tonight, there were smiles and laughter, and there were good vibes. The kids handled it well. They understand Mommy is in the hospital and is being taken care of by the very best and that they will get to see her as soon as she's better. Obviously, most of the details were excluded from the conversation, and it will take time to sink in, but they're good with it right now. The questions from them will come, and I'll answer most of them as truthfully as I can. And some, I'm sure I may have to dance around, but it will all be positive and upbeat. I want to thank everyone for their support and prayers. Carrie still has a long road to recovery ahead of her, so please continue to send your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

Sunday evening

By Sue Rickert: October 13, 2013, 8:42 p.m.

Yes, it's true. Carrie was extubated (breathing tube out) this afternoon after being put back to bed. She can't talk yet but mouthed, Put my hand down. Her left arm has been in a sling and held up above her head on an IV pole, post hand surgery. She then complained of severe pain in her head (that's understandable with all the broken bones). IV pain meds eased her discomfort.

Marshall stayed with her while I went to visit Lorne and Kristin and get a shower and fresh clothes. It was a welcome break. Lorne, Sadie, and I went to Steve's parents to spend time with them—Steve, Simon, and Alli. We all were a bit apprehensive about telling the children about Mommy. As Steve reported, the kids heard it, seemed okay, but I'm guessing that reality will set in later this week. Please continue your prayers that they maintain their resilience…

I am back at the hospital with Carrie, and Marshall is back at Kristin and Lorne's for the night. Carrie is very agitated, which Marshall had reported to me when I was on my way back. She has pain, but this is also not unusual behavior for a TBI (traumatic brain injured) patient.

All in all, it has been a very positive day! Our Carrie is showing her strength and determination, and our prayers are being answered. Sometimes it is difficult to pray, "Thy will be done," but we are somehow being given the strength to face our latest challenge. There is no doubt in my mind that it is not only God's love, but through him, we have been blessed with an incredible support system which includes each of you. Thank you!

Monday morning

By Sue Rickert: October 14, 2013, 7:08 a.m.

We had a rough night last night. Carrie maintained her agitation the entire night. This was not totally unexpected but difficult for Mom to see. I just wanted her to rest. Her BP (blood pressure) was elevated, HR (heart rate) all over the place. Fortunately, Carrie's ICP (intracranial pressure) has remained within normal limits. She is up in her chair and has been suctioned well this a.m. and is resting peacefully for the first time in over sixteen hours. She is not as responsive as she has been but is totally exhausted from all of her nighttime activity. We are awaiting doctors' rounds to learn next steps.

Monday

By Sue Rickert: October 14, 2013, 3:18 p.m.

Carrie was out of bed early this a.m. She sat up for a while and PT came in to evaluate her. He was able to get her to stand with assistance twice for a minute at a time. After the exam, he informed us that she is quite strong. We explained that she is a gym rat! No surprises there…

OT was in and fabricated a post-op splint for her left arm. We are hopeful that she won't be able to remove this one.

We were informed of an informal support group that meets on Mondays from 3:30 to 4:30 p.m. Marshall and I attended it this evening. It is made up of therapists, recovered patients who share their stories, and family members of current and prior patients who share info and encouragement.

Back on the floor, Carrie's speech therapist came in to evaluate her swallowing. Her original OG tube (oral-gastric tube) had been pulled at the same time she was extubated yesterday, and it is time to meet nutritional needs. The therapist did the assessment, and Carrie wasn't alert enough to pass safe swallowing with ice chips. As the therapist was leaving, I asked her name again. She said, Erica. Marshall walked in about then and introduced himself. She asked for a last name and realized she had been one of Carrie and Lorne's first babysitters. It is Erica Dolgoff! Yet another miracle intervention.

Carrie had to have another OG tube placed and has pulled the first one out and on number two in less than an hour. At the same time she pulled out her tube, she managed to get the new splint off (and yes, we were right outside the door watching. She's quick).

She has continued to be agitated today, but I am hoping for a quiet night. All in all, another successful day! Once again, I want to thank all of the cheerleaders out there who are sending loving thoughts and encouraging words and prayers for strength and healing. You are an integral part of this process, and we are thankful for continued love and support.

Tuesday morning

By Sue Rickert: October 15, 2013, 7:43 a.m.

Carrie had a relatively quiet night. She was medicated to decrease her agitation. That also meant I was able to get some sleep, which I appreciated.

Neuro was in around 4:00 a.m. and stopped her med, so Carrie could be more alert prior to removing her intracranial pressure probe. Her pressures have been stable since it was clamped yesterday. Today's plan is to have a CT scan with contrast. If all looks good, they will pull the probe later in the afternoon. Then she will need to have another MRI once she can lie still enough to accomplish that. They also plan to start decreasing the number of IV lines she has. They plan to remove her arterial pressure line and her subclavian line. They will maintain peripheral IV lines, oral-gastric tube for feedings, and foley catheter. The more invasive lines are discontinued as soon as possible to decrease the chance of infection.

I will keep you informed as time permits. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Tuesday

By Sue Rickert: October 15, 2013, 12:02 p.m.

Carrie's CT scan is done. They discovered her left jaw is broken. Maxillofacial doc was in. Fortunately, her teeth remain in alignment, so there will be no surgical intervention. She will be reevaluated after discharge from Shock Trauma. He does not advise placement of an NG tube (nasogastric as opposed to oral-gastric) at this time, so until she is able to swallow without fear of aspiration, she will have the OG tube.

She is sitting up in a chair and is more alert and not nearly as agitated. That provides Marshall and I with some peace of mind.

Tuesday

By Sue Rickert: October 15, 2013, 1:44 p.m.

Carrie is still in the chair. She is more alert than I have seen her since the accident. She denies pain, which is pretty amazing. ENT was in, and we have learned that her temporal bone is fractured. It appears upon the scan that the nerves are intact. No interventions are planned at this time. They will do a hearing test post discharge.

3:13 p.m.: Back in bed. The intracranial probe will be coming out soon! One less line to irritate as the monitor has been held in place with an elastic headband held on with Velcro.

One step at a time, and we are so thankful Carrie has been able to take so many steps so quickly!

Wednesday

By Sue Rickert: October 16, 2013, 6:48 a.m.

Good a.m. Carrie was much less agitated last night. Unfortunately, she was more lethargic because she spiked a temperature. It's a bump in the road—a hiccup. They did blood, urine, and sputum cultures on her and will do a chest x-ray this a.m.

If I were a betting person, I would bet that its cause is her lungs. Although Carrie has a good cough, she has trouble clearing it. They have been suctioning her throughout the night.

Her nurse decided it was time to wash her hair. Since her IC probe was removed, she could have it done. I am relieved that she is no longer a redhead…

We shall see what today brings. After the docs do rounds, I will have a better idea of the plan.

Wednesday

By Sue Rickert: October 16, 2013, 1:07 p.m.

Yet another busy day. Carrie's temp has stayed down today. She has been relatively calm. When docs did rounds, they shared more of their plan. After reviewing yesterday's CT scan, they have determined that she will be able to tolerate an NG (nasogastric) tube, even with the fracture in her sinuses. Therefore, they will remove the OG (oral-gastric) tube, repeat the swallowing exam, and if she doesn't tolerate that, they will replace the OG with an NG (which is much more comfortable to have). If she passes the swallow, she will start taking liquids orally and progress as tolerated.

This a.m., OT arrived to get her out of bed. They did not have to use the hoist. She was able to stand and pivot and initiated taking two steps with assistance and sit on the chair. She sat in a very controlled manner. Go, Carrie! When they changed her dressing on her left hand, they also were able to do passive OT to her pinkie and pointer. Because of the screws and wires, they do not exercise the ring or middle fingers.

She sat up for two-plus hours, which tired her. After going back to bed, she was alert. She was communicating. It is difficult to understand as she is talking around the tube, but she asked questions and made some requests. Marshall was able to show Carrie the video Minnie had made of Alli telling her to get well. She asked about Simon and his Cub Scout meeting and about Alli and her ballet.

She is asking what happened, where her car is, etc. She also asked for her glasses, her phone, and her purse. She knows the year, and we told her that it is Wednesday, October 16. She then wanted to know what time it was and when the accident occurred.

She has complained of being thirsty, and I explained why I can't give her water. I did dampen a sponge toothette just to moisten her mouth. She can process! Cognitively, she is intact. This is a huge step, and all the docs have been impressed with her progress.

Carrie will be evaluated by interventional radiology for the damaged blood vessels. She will be placed on blood thinners because of the damage to her carotids. I don't think she will be evaluated by them until after the MRI.

The docs also concluded after yesterday's CT scan (and they want to confirm with MRI) that her neck brace can probably come off. Woohoo!

We are counting our many blessings and thanking God for every step Carrie's taken. We understand that there will undoubtedly be more hiccups along this journey, but last Friday, I would never have thought we would have come as far as we have. It is so exciting to see the doctors who work with this daily when they see what she has accomplished. Praise be to God!

Wednesday

By Sue Rickert: October 16, 2013, 4:27 p.m.

Speech was in to reevaluate Carrie's swallow. When they removed her OG tube, she said, That feels so much better! They gave her an ice chip, some applesauce, water through a straw, and thickened orange juice. She coughed with the ice chip and water but was able to swallow applesauce and orange juice. They decided not to put an NG tube in until after another study she will have tomorrow afternoon. They will film her swallow to measure how efficient it is—does it all go to stomach, etc.

As of this moment, she only has a peripheral IV port for access. Yeah!

Carrie remembered that Simon is out of school for teachers' meetings for next two days. She wanted me to call Tiffany, his babysitter, to make sure plans were in order. She felt much better after that but tells me she wants to go home…

Thursday

By Sue Rickert: October 17, 2013, 4:51 a.m.

It's been a busy night. MRI around 8:30 p.m. She was downstairs for a couple of hours. Bath at 4:00 a.m. Complaint of tummy hurting and nausea at 4:45 a.m. Medicated. Carrie says her tummy ache is from stress! Dressing change at 5:00 a.m. Very alert this a.m. At 6:00 a.m., asks to get out of bed and walk. Was advised that wouldn't happen until after 9:00 a.m. She's not happy about that.

In between, she has asked about Emily and her injuries. She keeps asking me to get her phone and glasses. I promised to call eye doctor this a.m. All during the night, she has asked for a sponge dipped in water to moisten her mouth. Can't wait until she can have water!

Carrie's boss, Joe, came to see her last p.m. just after she left for MRI. She was genuinely disappointed that she had missed him. I told her about the blog and how many were wishing her well. She asked me to read some of your messages to her.

I am trying to get her to rest for a bit before the next round of interruptions come. I'm really feeling the lack of sleep! She continues to improve because she is determined and wants to go home. She tells me she needs to be at the office! That's my girl!

Thursday

By Sue Rickert: October 17, 2013, 7:41 p.m.

Today has been exhausting but mainly because of lack of sleep…

Carrie has her priorities, which haven't been unreasonable but difficult to fulfill. Thanks to the assistance given by caring friends, both issues have been resolved.

Cell phone had smashed screen. Phone worked, just couldn't read it. Thank you, Matthew, for making the magic happen. Carrie lit up when she got it back. (It contains her schedule, you know, and she is all about being on time…)

Needed her glasses! All night last night she reminded me. I called her optometrist this a.m. Marshall picked up prescription on his way to Cambridge and faxed it to Lenscrafters (I had found one near Carrie's office). Misty picked out stylish frames, and after they were made, she picked them up and brought them to the hospital on her way home! Carrie was so excited to get them!

This a.m. during rounds, there was some confusion. Carrie had been told during the night that her hard collar protecting her cervical spine would be coming off. Unfortunately, that was not the intention of all the teams. After careful review of CT scans, it was determined that it does need to remain, probably for three months. Ugh! The nurse did get C a smaller one that hopefully will be a little more comfortable.

This a.m., the partners from C's office came to visit. Carrie was better able to be understood, and she was able to communicate. She even demonstrated a little sarcasm (which is saying something for a TBI patient on day six!). She talked to her coworker who had been in the car with her on speaker phone. I think that was good for both of them as they have been very concerned about each other. Thank you to Joe, Jeremy, and Misti for your constant care and concern.

Finally at 2:45 p.m., Carrie had her modified barium swallow to see if it was safe to swallow. Unfortunately she aspirates when swallowing liquids, and she will need to have this issue evaluated further. In the meantime, she will have a gastric tube placed directly into her stomach, so she can receive adequate nutrition. I was advised that would be at 9:00 p.m., but now I'm told it may not happen tonight. Busy night in the OR.

Carrie was so exhausted. After the study, she finally fell asleep on her way back up from downstairs, sitting on a chair. She has basically been sleeping ever since, which is what she needs to give her body time to heal. She totally missed a visit from Jason, a previous employer, and Pastor Lee, her minister when she lived in Canton.

It's time to join Carrie in Slumberland until someone decides we should wake up to bright lights and loud voices. (Oh, yeah. We're in a hospital! I should know