What Almost Became a Lifestyle

By Amara Acacia

Torture, no love, fear, no life. Resentment, rage, anger, payback! Abandonment, rejection, I’m lost! My tears eventually dried out, wanting to cry but having no way to vent or get it out. Rape! No help. I had to protect you as a child while being abused by the so-called love of your life. Abuse, cocaine, self-hatred, darkness, numbness, no light. Raped again! But wait, this rape was before I was three, and the other before the age of ten. Who was there to protect me from the acts of these sinful men? Dirty—I have that feeling even now! Feeling tainted, who would want me after I was violated? Group homes, having to always be on guard, not having a home to go to, leaving me with a cold and dark heart. I fought a fight that wasn’t my own, but I held my own. When will I wake up?

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: May 8, 2023
• ISBN: 9781546236986

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What Almost

Became a

Lifestyle

Amara Acacia

AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2023 Amara Acacia. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or

transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  05/05/2023

ISBN: 978-1-5462-3699-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-3697-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-3698-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018904286

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views

of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

INTRODUCTION

T

ORTURE, NO LOVE,

FEAR, NO LIFE, RESENTMENT, RAGE, ANGER, PAY BACK, ABANDONMENT, REJECTION, I’M LOST!

My tears eventually dried out. Wanting to cry, but having no way to vent or get it out. Raped, no help. I had to protect you as a child while being abused by the so called, love of your life. Abuse, cocaine, self-hatred, darkness, numb, no light. Raped again! But, wait this rape was before I was three and the other before the age of ten! Who was there to protect me from the acts of these sinful Men? Dirty, having that feeling even now! Feeling tainted! Who would want me after I was violated…?

CHAPTER

1

I

DIDN’T EVEN ASK

to come here! Well, I guess it was meant. At times, nah all the time I wished it was with different parents, because mine are on some other kind of drugs, real rap. 1980, Bronx born.

I came into the world. Wasn’t no great plan in place. It was just two lustful and clueless people having unprotected sex! Well, y’all know the rest, out came me. London, six pounds and five ounces. Raped before I was two years old by my father and given away by my mother to the state before I was fifteen. Who would’ve asked for this life? Well, let me tell you, I wouldn’t, but hey what could I do about the hand I was dealt, except play it.

1981:

Bambi, that’s the person that birthed me. She was tall, light skinned, you know mixed jawn. Bambi was talented, but weak minded. Never doing much. Her only concern was, Money! If she thought you had it, she’d come after you. They said, my pop’s, Davi was a chaser of all types, if you catch my drift. If he wanted you he’d find a way to get you or manipulate you into thinking you wanted him. Maybe that’s how he caught my mom. Anyway, they didn’t stay together long, go figure. I heard pop was a rolling stone and my mom couldn’t quite quench the thirst he was having. After pop left, mom had to get a job. So, they worked out a situation that I would stay at my pop’s during the hours that she worked. However, things even to me as a child didn’t seem right at my pop’s. I started to become scared, not wanting to go over there. He was always acting silly and it smelled funny. One thing I do remember is, he always had lots of friends. They’d always be around when I came over and the music, it was just always so slow and too freaking loud! This one particular song, Let’s get it goin til this day, I cringe when I hear it! Soon my mom dukes started to realize that I would cry when I went over there. I even tried to fight her to stay with me. I remember her words even today just like it was yesterday, What’s wrong with this child, she don’t want me to leave? No, I didn’t want her to leave because I knew why it smelled funny, why the music was so loud and why my pops always acted silly. He was getting high! Smoking cocaine with his friends while he raped me! I wasn’t even two years old yet. Finally, eleven thirty came and there was a knock on the door, it was my mom. When I looked at her, she grabbed me and the fear in my eyes, she could even see it. As I clutched to her and held on tight, I’d think to myself, PLEASE NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN! I remembered the music being loud because no one could hear me scream and it smelled funny because that’s what coke smelled like when it was cooked or burning and the fact that my pop’s stayed with so many friends is because he liked them in all flavors, male and female! How could I have been born into this craziness? Anyway, mom continued to use her snatch as a weapon. Bringing Men in and out of the house trying to make me call them, Daddy! I was to young to say this then, but I would look at her like, lady are you stupid? How hard up can you possibly be?

RED, GREEN, YELLOW! These had been the colors of the bugs that I would see as I closed my eyes. After being awakened out of fear, screaming relentlessly until my mom came. She asked, why are you screaming? Hysterically I explained, there’s bugs, BUGS!!! Get them, get them off of me, I screamed. Nightly these terrors took place day after day of having to endure being at my pop’s! When was my mom going to put two and two together? I was suffering.

1982:

It was about 7pm on a Saturday evening, I was at my Grandma’s. My mom was about to give me a bath. As she put me in the tub, she realized my vagina was red and irritated and she rushed me to the hospital. When we got there, I was yet again terrified. It had to be at least seven to ten people in the room with my mom trying to hold me down and take off my panties. I remember fighting them off screaming, no, no, mommy HELP! PLEASE DON’T LET THEM HURT ME TOO! PLEASE, PLEASE! I PROMISE TO BE GOOD! PLEASE… those had been my tear filled screams, my pleas. I didn’t realize they wanted to help me. After all when I needed help it was never there. I really didn’t know what help looked like. After losing my fight with the Doctor’s and the Nurses, the final diagnosis came in. The Doctor called my mom’s name. Ms. Primavera? Yes, she answered. Your child has been raped! Her hymen has been broken! I’m gonna have to call child protective services! My mom called the police and I was told my story of being raped was now in the paper. It was found out that it was my pop, Davi that raped me the whole time. Once word got out, cause you know how people talk and the whole Bronx found out what this man did to his own daughter, you might as well say, he was the, Walking Dead! Word got back to my pop’s that he was a wanted Man and he skipped town. Moved clear out of state! Never returning. Not only was it bad and my mom’s fault that this happened to me,