Gareth Cliff On Everything

By Gareth Cliff

'Some people think it a very bad thing to have an opinion about anything. Blend in, don't make too much noise, just be happy with what you know and do. I can't do that.' South African DJ personality and Idols judge Gareth Cliff likes to shoot from the hip. Whether on air or judging a trembling Idols contestant, he's always quick with a point of view. In Gareth Cliff on Everything, Gareth throws caution to the wind and writes about all those subjects that make him glad, sad or simply mad.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jonathan Ball
• Release date: Oct 12, 2011
• ISBN: 9781868424566

Gareth Cliff

GARETH CLIFF is one of South Africa’s best-known radio personalities. In 2014 he left 5fm, where he hosted the weekday breakfast show, to start CliffCentral.com. He is the author of Gareth Cliff on Everything and is a judge on Idols.

Book preview

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‘Some people think it a very bad thing to have an opinion about anything. Blend in, don’t make too much noise, just be happy with what you know and do. I can’t do that.’

Gareth Cliff likes to shoot from the hip. Whether on air or judging a trembling Idols contestant, he’s always quick with a point of view. In Gareth Cliff on Everything, Gareth throws caution to the wind and writes about all those subjects that make him glad, sad or simply mad.

Cows? The perfect steak-making machines

Tarts? Good to have around, even if there’s no conversation to be had

Our President? Most-things-to-most-people, least offensive compromise

Nigella Lawson? She’s gotta go before there’s an orgasm on set

Ancestor worship? No sacred cows

Death? Hey, we’ve all got to go sometime!

Children? No thanks. Only when I have my own

The British Empire? Sorry, it’s fallen

The Pope? You better read about it.

Want to know more? Dip into this book — it will engage, enrage and derange you all at once.

Gareth Cliff

on Everything

Gareth Cliff

Jonathan Ball Publishers

Johannesburg & Cape Town

Acknowledgements

This book would never have happened if the publishers hadn’t approached me to do it. It is Jeremy Boraine, editor Alfred LeMaitre, Eugene Ashton and the team at Jonathan Ball publishers who deserve the greater part of my thanks. Along with my manager, Rina Broomberg, who cracked the whip and helped me throw out huge chunks of self-indulgent verbosity, we had an idea that a book might work. Naturally I wish to thank my terrific family for at least some of the content: my father and mother, Rory and Monica; and my brother and sister Robert and Sandra. They are the nicest people I know, and sometimes the oddest. Overwhelmingly I must thank the people who listen to my radio show, follow me on Twitter and Facebook, sit through the roller coaster ride of Idols and read the articles I have been hammering out on garethcliff.com for the last few years. No doubt they will find themselves familiar with much of the style in this book.

There are many names that I could rattle off as having been valuable to me in the formulation of ideas, giving a context to experiences and influencing my own writing. I won’t bore you. Suffice it to say that Mr Liddle from Laddsworth Primary School, John Cleese, Stephen Fry and Christopher Hitchens have probably had more to do with my love of words than any other people, and I credit them with an umbrella acknowledgement for any part of this book which they may have influenced – consciously or not. I hope I won’t upset or offend you. Plato said: ‘Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.’ I hope you will not judge me of the latter category.

Opinions are like arseholes – everybody has one

Wow, you’re very opinionated!’, she said in a disgusted tone, walking away in a hurry in case I gave her one more. I don’t know why, but some people think it a very bad thing to have an opinion about anything. Blend in, don’t make too much noise, just be happy with what you know and do. That seems to be their motto. I couldn’t do that. The woman in question was a conservative, middle-aged mother of two who probably worked for a bank, was out of love with her husband, watched a lot of TV soap operas and drove, at best, a Volvo. People like that consider people with opinions dangerous for the common good. But that’s just my opinion.

From the bold to the beautiful: I met a really pretty girl in 2004. She was sexy, vivacious, educated and talented, and even had a great sense of humour. Everything seemed to be just about perfect. The only problem was that she had no opinion on anything. She didn’t think abortion was right, or wrong. She didn’t know or care whether there was global warming. She didn’t want to talk politics, religion, race, culture or news (you know, all the good stuff). In a situation like this, you can’t really have a good conversation; she never said what she thought or how she felt. She could only really talk about herself or laugh at me. It was a pity because I might have fathered some offspring with her. Did I mention that she really was very pretty?

I suppose you might think me petty for making a big deal about something like opinions, but it’s actually a really big reason that I will either get on with you or not. Imagine how difficult it would be to have friends of a different race and another friend who’s a racist. Things would get complicated because the racist holds an unacceptable opinion. You see, it is a big deal.

If you really believe it’s important to be free (and I assume you do, since the alternative is slavery or serfdom), then you have to exercise your freedom. What would be the point of having a guitar if you never learnt to play it? Freedom needs to be put to work – you need to keep it fit. The best way to exercise your freedom is to decide how you feel about the things you care about, and let other people know. If you think the government is screwing things up, you need to tell them. If you think being overcharged for bread is wrong, and you never say anything, the people who make and sell the bread will keep taking advantage of you, and ripping you off. Wait a second, that actually did happen …

Throughout human history, people have been subjects, forced to fit in with someone else’s opinion of how things should work – a king, emperor, Pope or Führer. Thanks to the arduous struggle of the Enlightenment, the abolition of slavery, the spread of democracy, universal suffrage, the destruction of racism and increased access to education and information, we are only now able to voice our own opinions. We should guard this right jealously, just in case the politicians decide to chip away at it again. Authority doesn’t like opinion; it likes obedience. Don’t think for a minute that those in power enjoy our being able to argue with them. The only reason we have rubbish governments is because so many ordinary people have no opinions.

So what opinions do you have? What matters to you? If I asked you how you feel about what children should be taught at school, what you think about corruption, who you think would be freakier in bed – Lady Gaga or Courtney Love – you’d surely have an answer?

You see what I mean by this? Being opinionated is not about grandstanding and shoving your thoughts down other people’s throats; it’s the whole point of being free. If you have no opinions about anything, you can’t be a very thoughtful or serious person (and by this I mean a person to be taken seriously, rather than someone who is always solemn). What you think about tells the world more about you than how you look or what you have. How interested you are in the world will determine how interested the world is in you. That’s why opinion matters – because you matter. If you don’t think you matter, don’t worry, you don’t need opinions – I’ve already made up my mind about you.

This has to go

There are things I have seen around in the last while that are pointless, that serve no purpose at all and that need to be thrown out along with the old loom, wooden tennis racket and patchwork leather jacket. Tell me if you agree.

1 The paperwork you have to complete upon entering an office park, complex or golf estate

I don’t understand this procedure at all. It was thought up by terrified white people, and they think it works. As a matter of principle, I fill in ‘Mickey Mouse’ under name, ‘Disneyworld’ under address and 555-5555 under contact number. If they have a column for Reason for entry I just say ‘To have sex’. Nobody seems ever to have noticed. Just let me in. What kind of burglar, rapist or murderer is going to leave their correct details at the gate?

2 Nigella Lawson

Look, sweetheart, we know you married the world’s richest ad man and you like to eat (sometimes your arse is all we can fit on the screen), but it’s time you stopped messing around and just went straight into porn. Everything is ‘succulent, juicy, dripping, sensual, exotic, erotic and moist’ – and we know you’re not talking about food. Get on with it; stop trying to make middle-aged recipe shows sexy. Just take it off or be gone.

3 Those ‘Power Plate’ things at the gym

It’s only ever obese people on them. I don’t know what they do. They shake you around or something. You won’t get thin being shaken around only, so stop wasting your time. Eat less, run more. That’s my diet. It will work; Power Plate will not.

4 Scanners for your bags

I once walked into the SABC carrying a sharp, cold-steel cavalry sabre. It’s a big shiny sword, as long as your leg. They asked me to put it through the scanner. Every morning I have to remove my laptop from my bag and put it through the scanner at work, and every week I do the same at the airport. Someone decided this was important, and now we’re forced to waste time doing it. Not one of those Einsteins behind the screen would be able to identify illicit or explosive material anyway, so why do we bother? Al-Qaeda could have smuggled an entire Boeing 747 in pieces through OR Tambo and the ‘scoo-rty’ wouldn’t have batted an eyelid.

5 The Opening of Parliament

It’s not fashionable or exciting, or classy or smart, or even interesting. The President READS out a dreary speech in a monotone; loads of overweight, dishevelled-looking women wear bright clothes covering up their less-than-sexy bodies and the opposition always says that ‘It was alright, but …’ We endure the sight of Leanne Manas and Vuyo Mbuli falling over themselves to line up ministers for interviews, and the presidential guard can’t march in time with each other or the music. Dispense with the ceremony; it looks like a primary school concert. Just get to work, politicians, nobody cares about your self-aggrandisement.

6 The word ‘community’

Everything seems to be about the community. Nothing is about individuals any more. This is the root of many of our problems, from lack of personal responsibility to corruption, deceit and the aggregation of power in dark corners. A community must be very clearly defined in order to be considered anything less than nebulous. Most people who use the word use it as a euphemism, and may as well use the word ‘herd’, ‘troop’ or ‘coven’ in its place. It would have the same effect, but gain much in descriptive value.

7 Twilight movies

We can all see through Stephenie Meyer’s plagiarised amalgamation of Romeo and Juliet, Nosferatu and The Glass Menagerie. It’s tired. Sure, a bunch of awkward, gawky, screechy teenage girls think they’re Bella and love the books and the movies, but we should all be embarrassed by the way Meyer keeps churning them out, like a second-rate JK Rowling. It’s about SEX, girls, and in the real world both Edward Cullen and the werewolf guy would have had sex with her and/or moved on by now. You need to do the same …

Every day some weird new and unnecessary task, device, item or thought will make itself evident. Some of these don’t need to be taken seriously; like Al Gore, they’ll eventually go away if we ignore them …

Dear Government

27 October 2010

Dear Government,

OK, I get it; the President isn’t the only one in charge. The ANC believes in ‘collective responsibility’ (so that nobody has to get blamed when things get screwed up), so I address this to everyone in government – the whole lot of you – good, bad and ugly (that’s you, Blade).

We were all so pleased with your renewed promises to deliver services (we’ll forgive the fact that in some places people are worse off than in 1994), to root out corruption (so far, your record is worse than under Mbeki, Mandela or the apartheid regime, what with family members becoming overnight millionaires) and build infrastructure (state tenders going disgustingly awry and pretty stadia standing empty notwithstanding), and with the good job you did when FIFA were telling you what to do for a few months this year. Give yourselves half a pat on the back. Since President Sepp went off with his billions, I’m afraid we have less to be proud of – public service strikes, more presidential bastard children, increasing unemployment and a lack of leadership that allowed the unions to make the elected government its bitch. You should be more than a little worried – but you’re not. Hence my letter. Here are some things that might have passed you by:

1 You have to stop corruption

Don’t stop it because rich people moan about it and because it makes poor people feel that you are self-enriching parasites of state resources, but because it is a disease that will kill us all. It’s simple: there is only so much money left to be plundered. When that money runs out, the plunderers will raise taxes, chase and drain all the remaining cash out of the country and be left with nothing but the rotting remains of what could have been the greatest success story of post-colonial Africa. It’s called corruption because it decomposes the fabric of society. When someone is found guilty of corruption, don’t go near them – it’s catching. Making yourself rich at the country’s expense is what colonialists do.

2 Stop complaining about the media

You’re only complaining about them because they show you up for how little you really do or care. If you were trying really hard, and you didn’t drive the most expensive car in the land, or have a nephew who suddenly went from modest obscurity to ostentatious opulence, we’d have only positive things to report. Think of Jay Naidoo, Geraldine Fraser-Moleketi and Zwelinzima Vavi: they come under a lot of fire, but it’s never embarrassing. It’s always about their ideas, their positions, and is perfectly acceptable criticism for people in power to put up with. When the media go after Blade Nzimande, Siphiwe Nyanda and the President, they say we need a new piece of legislation to ‘make the media responsible’. That’s because they’re being humiliated by the facts we uncover about them daily, not because there is an agenda in some newsroom. If there had been a free press during the reigns of Henry VIII, Idi Amin or Hitler, their regimes might just have been kept a little less destructive, and certainly would have been less brazen and unchecked.

3 Education is a disaster

We’re the least literate and numerate country in Africa. Zimbabwe produces better school results and turns out smarter kids than we do. Our youth aren’t unemployed; they’re unemployable. Outcomes-based education, teachers’ unions and an attitude of mediocrity that discourages excellence have reduced us to a laughing stock. Our learners can’t spell, read, add or subtract. What are all these people going to do? Become President? There’s only one job like that. We need clever people, not average or stupid ones. The failure of the education department happened on your watch. Someone who writes matric now hadn’t even started school under the apartheid regime, so you cannot blame anyone but yourselves for this colossal cock-up. Fix it before three quarters of our matrics end up begging on Oxford Road. Reward schools and teachers who deliver great pass rates and clever students into the system. Fire the teachers who march and neglect their classrooms.

4 Give up on BEE

It isn’t working. Free shares for new black partnerships in old white companies has made everyone poorer except for Tokyo Sexwale. Giving people control of existing business won’t make more jobs either. In fact, big companies aren’t growing; they’re reducing staff and costs. The key is entrepreneurship. People with initiative, creative ideas and small companies must be given tax breaks and assistance. Young black professionals must be encouraged to start their own businesses rather than join the board of a big corporation as their token black shareholder or director. Government must also stop thinking that state employment is a way to decrease unemployment; it isn’t – it’s a tax burden. India and China are churning out brilliant, qualified people at a rate that makes us look like losers. South Africa has a proud history of innovation, pioneering and genius. This is the only way we can advance our society and economy beyond merely coping.

5 Stop squabbling over power

Offices are not there for you to occupy (or be deployed to) and aggrandise yourself. Offices in government are there to provide a service. If you think outrageous salaries, big German cars, first-class travel and state housing are the reasons to aspire to leadership, you’re in the wrong business – you should be working for a dysfunctional, tumbledown parastatal (or Glenn Agliotti). We don’t care who the Chairperson of the National Council of Provinces is if we don’t have running water, electricity, schools and clean streets. You work for us. Do your job; don’t imagine you are your job.

6 Stop renaming things

Build new things to name. If I live in a street down which the sewage runs, I don’t care if it’s called Hans Strijdom or Malibongwe. Calling it something nice and new won’t make it smell nice and new. Rebranding is something Cell C does with Trevor Noah, not something you can whitewash your lack of delivery with.

7 Don’t think you’ll be in power forever

People aren’t as stupid as you think we are. We know you sit around laughing about how much you get away with. We’ll take you down, either at the polls or – if it comes down to the wire – by revolution (yes, Julius, the real kind, not the one you imagine happened in 2008). Careless, wasteful and wanton government is a thing of the past. The days of thin propaganda and idealised struggle are over. The people put you in power – they will take you out of it. Africa is tired of tinpot dictators, one-party states and banana republics. We know who we are now, we care about our future – and so should you.

Dear Government II: the aftermath

28 October 2010

I am a little surprised by the reaction to my ‘Dear Government’ letter. Many have said they support the sentiment, a few have decried it as rubbish, and some have made the point that while they agree with the content, they cannot condone the tone. I thank you for any replies you may have sent me or have thought of sending me.

To address the emotive issue of the tone of the letter, I