Indulgence

By Istene G Kennedy

Bella is a well-educated, single woman, facing her insecurities after realizing she is almost 30, unmarried, and in a long-time failing relationship. After years of being faithful to Damon, Bella has decided to call it quits. Leaving New York and returning home to Florida, she anticipates the start of a whole new life. However, things begin to t

• Language: English
• Publisher: Istene Gelin Kennedy
• Release date: Aug 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9798986404837

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Indulgence

Istene Gelin Kennedy

Copyright © 2022 by Istene Gelin Kennedy

Published by IGK Productions

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

First Printing: 2022

ISBN: 979-8-9864048-2-0 (paperback)

ISBN: 979-8-9864048-3-7 (ebook)

Istene Gelin Kennedy

For Ordering Information:

www.istenegelinkennedy.com

Contents

Dedication

Chapter 1: A New Beginning

Chapter 2: I Miss You Too

Chapter 3: Happy Birthday

Chapter 4: Are You Crazy

Chapter 5: This Can’t Be Happening

Chapter 6: Let’s Do It

Chapter 7: What’s Wrong?

Chapter 8: Everything is Going Wrong

Chapter 9: You’re A Good Woman

Chapter 10: Tomorrow Isn’t Promised

Chapter 11: Why Me?

Chapter 12: Is Everything Okay?

Dedication

This book is dedicated

to those who believe in God,

but are currently in a lukewarm state.

There is hope; and if you search for God

with all your heart,

you will find Him.

And to those who don’t believe,

I pray that the Lukewarm Series changes your mind.

Chapter 1

A New Beginning

An innocent child is what I used to be,

but now as I sit here in his back seat,

I let him rob my innocence from me.

How naïve was I to let this be,

with my nonchalant attitude I let him set me free.

Giving me liberty, not knowing how nasty this world can be;

oh, if only He could give it back to me,

I’d ask God to restore my virginity,

making me clean, sanitizing, and purifying me…

I was only 18 years old when I found myself lying down in the back seat of Damon Gardner’s 1998 Honda Accord. It was hot. I was naked. My back was sticky since it was pressed against the leather interior seat of his car. He had my legs propped up; the feelings of pain and pleasure instinctively took control of my body. This knowledge of sex was unsatisfying. I felt more pain than pleasure, but over time it got better. Damon continued to stroke me, while tears fell from my eyes intertwining with the sweat on my face, as the thoughts in my mind maneuvered about how and why I let my flesh give-in to this temptation, fouling my spirit as my innocence quickly exited my body.

When we finished being intimate we just laid in his back seat. He held me close, his bare flesh against mine. Delicately, he whispered in my right ear for the first time that night, Bella, I love you. Skillfully stroking my body, he involuntarily built my self-confidence; I felt sexy, loved, and needed. I was in love with this man.

It started to rain. As the raindrops thumped against the exterior of his car, it sounded like soothing music to my ears relaxing my mind, body, and soul, the atmosphere becoming tranquil. I quickly dozed-off to sleep in the back seat of his car, with his arms wrapped snugly around my body.

I was no longer a virgin and was supposed to wait until I was married to have sex. That night, after all was said and done, I no longer had curious thoughts about what sex was all about. I thought to myself: Finally, my mind can rest from thinking about sex. At least that’s what I thought. I had no idea back then what awaited me; how the battle within would rage while trying to abstain from sex, and how it would severe my relationship with God. This was a dilemma that would spiral out of control.

Will everyone that has the scripture say, ‘Amen’! said the Pastor, while standing in the pulpit. There I was, not paying any attention to the sermon, again, and reminiscing about the first time Damon and I had sex. Why did I even bother to come to church? Was it to get my mind off of everything I was going through? I tried to force myself to get back into the sermon. I leaned over to the older woman who sat next to me to look into her Bible to see what verse the pastor was about to read. She had her Bible turned to the book of Jeremiah, so I turned my Bible to the same book. However, I still could not make out what verse he was about to read, and then he said: Jeremiah, chapter 1 and verse 5 reads: Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations."

The pastor then began to preach about purpose. He stated that as believers, just like the prophet Jeremiah was created to alert the nation of Judah about their forthcoming disaster, the coming of the Messiah, and how God promised to rescue them from the captivity of Babylon that was about to take place, we also have a divine purpose here on earth. There is a reason why we were created and that reason must be fulfilled before we leave earth.

As he continued, I took a look around the church and asked myself, Why are you even here? I couldn’t even remember the last time I was in a church. To be honest, I was only there because I was emotionally drained, and since I had no one else to turn to, I figured why not God? Even though my spirit wanted to be there, my mind couldn’t stay focused. It was stuck on all the other issues I had going on in my life. To be honest, part of me felt like I was wasting my time sitting here in church, while another part of me felt like I wasn’t.

I find it funny how every time I’m going through something God is the last person I turn to for help. In fact, there were times I didn’t turn to Him at all. My best friend, Delilah, always told me He should be the first person I turn to. But I could never take Delilah serious when it came to God. No matter how much Bible she knew or how much church she did, she would preach one thing and do the opposite. I called her a hypocrite all the time.

Although I’m scared to admit it, sometimes I have reservations about my belief in God. There, I’ve confessed. If there really is a God, why would He put me through all this? Why wasn’t He listening to me? Why wouldn’t He answer any of my questions? If He was so real, why must I suffer? Enough about me, why is there so much evil in the world? Why do we have millions of people suffering in third world countries? Why are there so many homeless people in the metropolitan cities in the United States and in other areas of the world? I hate to disclose my lack of faith in God since I grew up in the church, but I was always confused about who God is and what His purpose is. I’m most definitely a theist; I’ve always believed in the existence of God, but I have had moments where I doubted His existence. Yes, I know this is a contradicting statement, but the truth in my unparalleled thinking is part of my involuntary spiritual battle. Someone once told me life isn’t hard, people make it hard. Well, why do people make it hard? A question still unanswered by God.

My parents never went to church. They always sent me and my siblings to church with someone else. One minute, it was a Baptist church; then Catholic, and other times, Jehovah’s Witness. I can tell you stories for days about the time I was introduced to the Pentecostal church. The list of the different denominations of churches I attended goes on and on. While my parents thought they were doing me a favor by sending me to church with other people to introduce me to the faith, I realized that the inconsistency of the different denominations and religions only confused me about who God is, and it enhanced my abstract thinking about whether there really was a God. If God really does exist and He is as good as they say He is, then why didn’t my parents go to church? That’s another question among many still unanswered by God.

At times, my perception of God became cloudy and consequently caused me to subconsciously doubt His existence as I developed in life. The things I witnessed in ministry that I didn’t quite understand, as I got older made more sense. Now I’m left to figure out if my perception of God is who God really is, or has my perception of God been tainted by the actions of hypocritical individuals that call themselves Christians, like my friend Delilah.

Many times I have blamed my parents for not having a spiritual connection with God when I was a child (at least I assume they didn’t), since I never saw them go to church, leaving me to question why they sent us. Nonetheless, they would randomly quote scriptures to my siblings and I while growing up. As I got older and began seeking God for myself, it seemed like I could never form a completely intimate relationship with Him. Every time I decide to give it another try, I’m always left with disappointment. It’s like I’m seeking for something I cannot find, because it never existed, causing me to feel delusional.

After I left for college, I stopped going to church altogether because I didn’t have to. College made things worse. Learning about different theologies, religions, and philosophers caused me to question, again, Is there really a God or does the evolutionary theory truly exemplify humanity? After my attempt to express how I felt spiritually went wrong, I decided to avoid disharmony and being called a heretic among fellow Christians, family, and friends. So, I harbored my feelings in my heart as my confused mind prayed secretly to the God I waveringly believed in, hoping one day to be provided with clarity and an undoubtedly persuaded mind, if He really did exist.

I sat there and read Jeremiah chapter 1, verse 5 again, but this time I continued reading and noticed that Jeremiah and God had a dialogue going on. I stopped reading after verse 10, and asked myself how God could have a conversation with Jeremiah, yet, when I speak to Him I feel like there’s a monologue going on, and the only person that is talking is me? Does God only speak to prophets? This was just an ignorant question that formulated in my thoughts as I sat there trying to figure it out.

My phone vibrated, interrupting my thoughts. It was a text from Delilah that read: What time does your flight come in? I texted her back, At 10 pm, while looking at the time on my phone; it read 2:19 pm. I gathered my things to head home to finish packing and maybe get a nap in before my flight leaves. I headed towards the double doors at the back entrance of the church. The pastor suddenly stopped preaching and said: Excuse me young lady, is it ok if I pray for you? By this time the whole church was staring at me as I nodded my head in agreement, and made my way down the aisle towards the front of the church.

This was a very big church I must add. As I walked toward the altar, I felt like I was taking a walk down the hall of shame. I was so embarrassed, while wondering what I had done wrong. To feel this way was weird, since I wasn’t the nervous type or easily embarrassed. I am a bold individual that doesn’t fear much. As I came closer, the pastor came down from the pulpit and met me halfway. There, in the front of the aisle, were two men standing next to him, one on his right and the other on his left. They both smiled at me as one took my coat and the other took my Bible and purse.

I just want to say you did nothing wrong, so there is no need to feel embarrassed, said the pastor as he smiled at me. Smiling back, I was astonished, wondering how he knew what I was thinking. Do you know God loves you? he asked, as he squint his eyes, not looking directly at me as if he was concentrating. "The Spirit of God says you are like a beautiful flower and He is just waiting for you to blossom.