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The Diary of a Nobody
The Diary of a Nobody
The Diary of a Nobody
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The Diary of a Nobody

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

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This “jewel at the heart of English comic literature” chronicles the daily fortunes and misfortunes of a middle-age, middle-class clerk (William Trevor, The Mail on Sunday).
 
Since its original publication in 1892, The Diary of a Nobody has become a much-loved classic. It is a fictional man’s dissection of the everyday drama of his life as an office worker in a London firm. With dry wit, the authors step into the character of Charles Pooter as he navigates work life with not-so-respectful young coworkers and family life with his charming wife, Carrie, and impetuous son, Lupin. From home repairs gone wrong (painting the tub red), to the comings and goings of his friends Cummings and Gowings, Pooter painstakingly shares intimate details of his existence, with the (not completely absurd) hope of maybe someday having his memoir published. An ongoing tally of the good jokes he makes shares space with descriptions of grievous insults to his person, party mishaps, the annoying behavior of everyone around him, and Lupin’s on-again off-again employment and engagement status. The Diary of a Nobody gives everyone a reason to laugh—and recognize themselves in Pooter’s droll prose.
 
“The funniest book in the world.” —Evelyn Waugh, author of Brideshead Revisited
 
“There’s a universality about Pooter that touches everybody . . . [he] fits into the tradition of absurd humour that the British do well, which started with Jonathan Swift and runs through Lewis Carroll and Edward Lear to Monty Python.” —Jasper Fforde, Time Out
 
“Pooter himself is as gentle as you could wish, a wonderful character, genuinely lovable. The book is beautifully constructed.” —Andrew Davies, The Herald
LanguageEnglish
Release dateMar 28, 2023
ISBN9781504084529
Author

George Grossmith

George Grossmith (1847-1912) was born in London. As a young adult George joined his father as a performer on the stage, a career which spanned four decades, during which time he wrote successful comic operas, musical sketches and innumerable songs. In 1892 he collaborated with his brother Weedon, publishing The Diary of a Nobody from a series of humorous columns they’d previously written for Punch magazine. It has been in print ever since.

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Rating: 3.7170699305107524 out of 5 stars
3.5/5

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  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I can imagine that this book was an absolute banger when it was first written and as considered by its target audience. I found it quite humorous and fun, but not being a middle class English suburbanite in the late 1800's, I'm sure that a lot of the humor was lost on me. It was a nice little diversion nonetheless.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Quirky British Victorian era humor. I enjoyed this book and I think it was made better by having the audiobook form to read along with the book. I think the reason I didn't love it was that it ended so abruptly and never really felt like it was going anywhere specific. It is written in the form of a diary. I know it is a humor book but I found myself feeling sorry for poor Mr. Pooter all the way through. He seemed oblivious and was oft times treated badly by his so called friends. It ended hopeful and that was a plus. If you love Victorian humor you might really enjoy this one. I am glad I read it.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Mr. Pooter decides to keep a diary in the hopes of one day becoming the Pepys of the late Victorian era. He is a clerk of a somewhat stuffy and pompous nature but with a love of bad puns and jokes (luckily for him his wife shares his sense of humor!).

    I found him a little reminiscent of "The Irish R.M." in his never-ending series of domestic mishaps - both of these books amuse yet puzzle me. As a person who has never even seen a domestic servant much less employed one, the battle of control between master & servant baffles me to some extent. It clearly baffles Mr. Pooter as well! He persists in thinking that he is the master and so is deserving of respect despite the fact that he rarely gets that respect even from his own son.

    Grossmith's satire has captured the beginning of the end for the middle-class Victorian way of life with Pooter and his son. Pooter's worries about his son Lupin's future could be seen as a reflection of a greater concern about security and expectations for the middle-class workers and their families if the rigidity of the old-fashioned methods gives way, while Lupin's attitudes point up the impatience of the rising generation with the adherence to outmoded ideas and practices.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This is a strong contender for funniest book ever written and Mr Charles Pooter, the quixotic Victorian suburban nobody of the title, a comic creation of unalloyed genius. The older I get the more I identify with Mr Pooter, the middle aged city clerk and resident of The Laurels, Brickfield Terrace, Holloway. He represents everything I dread becoming and yet secretly know I already am: his self-delusion and pomposity; his habit of making appallingly bad jokes which only he laughs at; his unfailing knack of thinking of a brilliant rejoinder five minutes after the conversation has ended. Only the irredeemably self-deluding and pompous could fail to catch at least a partial reflection of themselves in this irredeemably self-deluding and pompous man. Wanting only to maintain his dignity he is ruthlessly stripped of it at every unfortunate turn. He is forever outwitted by tradesmen, whom he naturally regards as his social inferiors, and sent up by junior clerks at the office. A slave to etiquette and ‘doing the right thing’ his own stupidity ensures that he never fails to do the wrong thing. His life is a never-ending succession of social embarrassments. As John Lennon once sang of his own Nowhere Man - ‘isn’t he a bit like you and me?’It’s often accused of snobbery, of course; the fashionable Grossmith brothers, stars of D’Oyly Carte Opera Company and the Victorian stage, glancing down with sneering condescension at the lower-middle classes in their sprawling suburbs. This, I think, underestimates the subtlety of the writing in addition to ignoring the glaring fact that Pooter is one of the most sympathetic characters in all fiction. Who could fail to love this gentle and well-meaning man? Pooter may be a pompous ass but he is a thoroughly decent pompous ass; a loving husband and father (to the unflappable Carrie and wayward yet clever son Lupin) and loyal friend to Mr Gowing (who ‘is always coming’) and Mr Cummings (who ‘is always going’). He works hard and his heart is always in the right place even if his brain isn’t. The Grossmiths, like all great comedians, triumphantly have it both ways, simultaneously satirising and celebrating their subject matter. They capture the stultifying boredom, conformity and small-mindedness of suburbia while making you envy it’s satisfying completeness and self-assurance. The Diary of a Nobody first appeared in Punch between May 1888 and May 1889. It was in many ways topical humour and perhaps not designed to last. When published as a book, in extended form in 1892, most of the the critics certainly displayed little recognition that they were witnessing the birth of a classic. One reviewer, sounding uncannily like Pooter himself, disapproved of its ‘vulgarity’ and ‘tastelessness.’ That it has endured is no mystery. It’s a deeply humane and insightful comedy which provokes superior laughter while making you squirm inwardly with excruciating self-recognition. All human aspiration, pretension and vanity - in both senses of that word - is here; the whole world in an unfashionable suburb. Truly life-enhancing stuff.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    I don't fancy let's condescend to be amused at the clueless narrator approach to humor. At least it was short.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Not sure I'd have read this if it hadn't been a gift, but this is a re-read, and it's great for filling a gap. Pooter's a suitably embarrassing pair of eyes to see through, though the Grossmith brothers do let him end his and his wife Carrie's tale well, and take you with him on your way. A delightful humble paddle in suburban England towards the turn of the century. Who needs Jerome K Jerome... ;-)
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    An amusing read - possibly funnier at the time it was published - this is the diary of Charles Pooter telling stories of himself, his friends and family.

    He's a middle class banker with little ambition, who is constantly being insulted and taken advantage of by the servants and tradesmen, and does not understand his son. He attempts to show his sense of humour frequently fail as many people dont find the same things funny.

    Short little read, amusing enough, not entirely sure I understood the ending (but then it was early in the morning).

  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    A very funny book and one that offers an insight into the social life of the times. One of very few good books written by more than one person.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    The diary of a nobody is a work of the collaborative effort of the Grossmith brothers, George Grossmith(1847-1912) and Weedon Grossmith (1854-1919).George Grossmith wasa singer, comedian and an actor who shone in many principal roles in the light operas of that other artistic pair Gilbert and Sullivan light operas at Savoy Theater. Weedon Grossmith was an a painter, playwright, actor and writer. Together they wrote the comic Victorian novel The diary of a nobody.While in contemporary literature mock or even fully serious biographies of insignificant persons is a standard feature of literary output, spoofing the genre back then created an hilarious uproar. Published in 1892 it established a whole new genre of humorous fiction.The diary of a nobody contains illustrations made by Weedon Grossmith.I am not such a great fan of humorous fiction, but as a classic of Victorian literature, I thought is was still quite worthwhile.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I’m dithering! How many stars does this diary deserve? I really enjoyed the reading. The language was perfect for the narrator. The characters well rounded. The humour very much in the ilk of P.G. Wodehouse. The story however, wasn’t ground breaking or earth shattering or instructive. It was however, an excellent, quite ridiculous, utterly charming diary of a nobody! Dither no more girl..... I’ve changed my rating from 3 to 4 stars.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A classic which I first read as a teen, surprising my then English teacher when I chose it from the school library. Loved it then, adored it now. Perhaps surprisingly, it first appeared in Punch magazine in the late 1800s. Though simplistic — a middle-class gentleman seems to think his diary has as much chance to see publication as anyone else’s — it’s an exaggerated, humorous look at society and social observations, yet contains an underlying sadness. Part of the fun (and less cheery tone) comes from the things Mr Pooter finds so amusing and which plainly are not. The tale remains charming, and the illustrations delightful.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Diary of a Nobody was written by two brothers, George and Weedon Grossmith. It is Victorian England in the late 1880s. Charles Pooter has decided to share his everyday life as recorded in his diary.It starts with the Pooter’s move to their newest residence at The Laurels in Brickford Terrace. Charles Pooter is married to Carrie and they have a son, 20-year-old William Lupin. Pooter is a City of London clerk at Perkkups. Carrie runs the household. William is a bank clerk. There are also other characters that appear in his comments.Pooter is a bit of a snobbish and proper man, with set ideas and an image of himself. His recounting of events shows that he doesn’t always come out on top of what happens. Perhaps his standards and expectations are a little too high?When Pooter and his wife are invited to the Mayor’s Mansion House for a formal social event, they find that it is a gathering more of local trade and business people and not the upper echelon of people he was expecting. His disappointment, and Carrie’s, is made worse when he falls on the dance floor, taking Carrie with him, due to a little too much champagne.Another instance of things not going as it should is when his son moves back home. It seems that the son was let go due to his laziness on the job. Also the son has decided to go by his middle name, Lupin, rather than William. Pooter is now concerned with finding Lupin another job and Lupin is not the least bit worried.I did some research on the book and found that it has never been out of print! It was initially published in Punch as a serial in 26 installments. It was added to a published in book form in the 1890s. It wasn’t a sell-out, but over time it has been available and still is!It was interesting to get a glimpse of Victorian life and writing style. Something I enjoy is reading books from various eras. This was good and entertaining!
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    "Some people seem quite destitute a sense of Humour."The Diary of a Nobody was originally intended as a spoof against all the diaries that were being published and serialised at the time of writing yet today in the age of Blogs, Facebook and Twitter, where celebrity status can be gained seemingly without an awful lot of talent, it seems even more relevant. The book centres around Charlie Pooter (the Nobody), his wife Carrie and their son Lupin. Charlie Pooter is a City clerk who lives with his wife in Holloway. Their son Willie initially works for a bank in Oldham but early in the diary returns home after being dismissed announcing that he wants to be known by his middle name Lupin henceforth. Lupin is a chancer and everything that his father isn't. Mr Pooter has a strong sense of his own worth yet every-time he finds himself in a position that might work to his advantage some social gaffe means he misses out on the opportunity. The Pooters’ life is therefore made up of small pleasures and modest social occasions, many of which end embarrassingly and usually also involve his close friends Mr Gowings and Mr Cummings. Yet despite it all he ultimately triumphs.Sadly the world of Charles Pooter, a world of simple pleasures and of lifelong loyalty to one employer, has long disappeared yet there will probably be opportunities for people like Lupin. Yet it could be argued that the literary influence of this book, (Adrian Mole and Bridget Jones for example) can still be seen today. In fact many of the embarrassing misunderstandings that afflict Mr Pooter are directly reflected in these much later characters and afore mentioned Bloggers etc. When Mr Pooter tells Carrie and Lupin that, “I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would be an endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the chance of the remuneration which may accrue from its being published”, both “burst out laughing”. But by way of an apology Carrie states; "I did not mean to be rude, dear Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently interest the public to be taken up by a publisher."There is a brief preview before each chapter which gives a tantalising outline of what is to follow without giving away too much detail. This is not a book that will make you laugh out loud, rather it has a gentle absurdity about it. I ended up feeling a great empathy for staid old Charlie hoping that his loyalty and sense of duty would ultimately prevail, as such I felt that the author's writing style set exactly the right tone. It is a book that has withstood the test of time, one that you read with a smile on your face and as such it deserves to be regarded as a classic.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    It was a fairly quick read. It was funny too, I'll admit that. Not laugh out loud funny, but kind of sitcom-like, if it were a sitcom based in 1892! In fact, the date thing is funny, as what struck me most was that even though the book is 114 years old, it still feels...well, not modern, but not as dated as you'd expect. It was a pleasant enough read. Not really my thing, but it was interesting to read outside of my comfort zone.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    The Diary of a Nobody written by George Grossmith and illustrated by his brother Weedon Grossmith is an English comic novel that was first published as a serial in Punch magazine in 1888-89 and then presented in book form in 1892. The book is written as the diary that records the daily lives of a London clerk, Charles Pooter, his wife Carrie, his son Lupin and many of his friends and acquaintances over a 15 month period has become a true classic and is still in print today.Much of the humor in this book is developed from the Pooter’s attempt to rise above their middle class life and the social humiliations that this resulted in. Charles Pooter’s pretensions and petty concerns become a wry satire on middle class aspirations that often sees the reader chuckling and wincing at the same time.The Diary of a Nobody is a quick and amusing read that is quaint and funny yet also gives us a glimpse into the past and a way of life that has for the most part disappeared. Even though the book is more than a century old, many will recognize the timeless character of Pooter from their own social circle or even from gazing into the mirror.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this. Another book that doesn't require a great deal of brainpower. I found myself (figuratively) cheering for pompous, socially clueless Mr. Pooter and his loving wife.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    I found this intermittently funny, but rather one-tone and sad. It is very British in its reliance on themes of social embarrassment and the fear of wearing the wrong clothes or paying the wrong amount. I'm glad it ended well for him, but I'm also glad it ended when it did.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Gentle humour. Fairly short; can be read in an evening.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    I'm sorry. This is supposed to be one of the funniest of books - according to the English. Huh? It is only mildly amusing. When you finish it, you'll ask, "So what?"
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    The diary of Charles Pooter, a clerk in the City of London at the end of the nineteenth century, who doesn't see why he shouldn't have just as much right to publish his diary as the next man. As the epigraph says:Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences of people I have never even herd of, and I fail to see - because I do not happen to be a 'Somebody' - why my diary should not be interesting. My only regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth'So in this gentle comedy we are introduced to Pooter's wife Carrie, his friends Cummings and Gowing, and above all to his only son Lupin, whose relationship to his father proves without a doubt that the generation gap was not invented in the 1960s! For while Pooter is respectable, conservative and intensely loyal to the firm for which he has worked for over 20 years, Lupin is prone to losing his job, getting home in the early hours of the morning, getting up at lunchtime and is a mystery and a worry to his father. But above all the book pokes fun (in a gentle way) at Mr Pooter's constant attempts to maintain his status as a lower-middle class gentleman in his residence at Brickfields Terrace, constantly thwarted by dealings with prosperous tradesmen who think themselves every bit as good as he is.This isn't laugh out loud funny, but it is a gentle humour which has stood the test of time.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Lightly entertaining and funny while it lasted, but I found it quite unmemorable. It ended suddenly and without any real developments, which was too bad, as it seemed to be going somewhere.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A quick but enjoyable read. Very dry humour.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Comedy of manners with a bumbling protagonist, Charles Pooter. Funny if you like that sort of thing, which I guess I don't all that much. I smiled a few times, laughed once or twice. Recommended for: fans of Jeeves, British comedies, class-based satires.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    When I was a kid, I didn't get most of the references in Bugs Bunny cartoons. I watched and loved them, but much of the pop culture references of the 30s, 40s, and 50s went right over my head. At least, they did at first. Turns out, I had begun to pick up on those references just by watching, and eventually they became funny for me.The humor in The Diary of a Nobody is a lot like that for me. I'm pretty good at picking out the lines that are supposed to be humorous, and when they're not, I start to look for what I might be missing.The result is a very educational experience. I learned a lot about middle class English life in the 1890s. What struck me most of all was how similar, in many ways, it was to today.A short read, and recommended for anyone who wants to learn more about a culture not so far removed from our own.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    The book is as the title claims; a diary of events that could have happened to any random someone in the late 1800s. There is nothing hefty here, there is no real serious issue, just the life of a man who is part of a family, who have friends and meet people. It sounds completely uninteresting, but it's a classic and the comedy is a real joy to experience, as is the history itself. If you ever wanted to feel as if you were in a family from history, you should think about picking this one up.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    He may be a nobody but it's hard not to fall for this utterly sweet, well-meaning but clumsy diarist. There's not much heft, but a lot of heart.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    English comic novel set in 1890's is a novel of Charles Pooter, a clerk. Through its humor the reader gets a picture of 1890 and what it is to be neither upper social or lower social class. Remarkably, could fit yet today.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I love this book - it's the second time I've read it and I enjoyed it this time just as much as the first. Charles Pooter, an ordinary little man, albeit rather pompous and self opinionated, decides to keep a diary to record the daily events of his life. Through this diary we learn so much about him as he records his hopes and aspirations, together with the many mishaps which befall him. He constantly reminded me of Captain Mainwaing of Dad's Army fame. The story is full of gentle humour and you have to warm to Charles as he struggles to achieve a higher place in society and cope with his errant son Lupin.This book was first published over 100 years ago and I think it's a little classic. Consisting of only about 150 pages, it's an easy, enjoyable read and I'd recommend it to anyone.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    The diary of suburban "nobody" Charles Pooter who, while being the target for a (gentle) satire of the Victorian middle class, is quite endearing in his complete lack of self-awareness and his unfailing belief in the power of terrible puns to amuse anyone... Instantly recognisable characters and situations and just as funny over a century after it was published.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    A pleasantly amusing read. Although, if I ever feel the urge to read about awkward misunderstandings, clumsy accidents, embarrassing situations and the not-remarkably-funny jokes, of an unconsciously snobbish, inarticulate, fairly ridiculous, self important nobody in a middle class household I can always flip through my own diary.

    Which, quite naturally, leads me to wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Pooter, "Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see--because I do not happen to be a 'Somebody'--why my diary should not be interesting."
    So,
    Coming soon to a bookshop near you: The Diary of a Yet Another Nobody

Book preview

The Diary of a Nobody - George Grossmith

Grossmith_DiaryOfANobody.jpg

The diary of a nobody

George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith

INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER

Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see—because I do not happen to be a ‘Somebody’—why my diary should not be interesting. My only regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth.

CHARLES POOTER.

The Laurels,

Brickfield Terrace,

Holloway.

CHAPTER I

We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary. Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a great compliment.

My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, The Laurels, Brickfield Terrace, Holloway—a nice six-roomed residence, not counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a little front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always come to the little side entrance, which saves the servant the trouble of going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down to the railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them after a bit, and took £2 off the rent. He was certainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.

After my work in the City, I like to be at home. What’s the good of a home, if you are never in it? Home, Sweet Home, that’s my motto. I am always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in without ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like to drop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass our evenings together without friends. There is always something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail down—all of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above putting a button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the Sylvia Gavotte on our new cottage piano (on the three years’ system), manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard (in very large letters). It is also a great comfort to us to know that our boy Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham. We should like to see more of him. Now for my diary:—

April 3.—Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson, the ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front door rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which is ridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn’t stay, saying there was an infernal smell of paint.

April 4. Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial. Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling’s worth of eggs. In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist. He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don’t often make jokes.

April 5.—Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with another butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over scraper coming in. Must get that scraper removed.

April 6.—Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to Borset with my compliments, and he needn’t call any more for orders. Couldn’t find umbrella, and though it was pouring with rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the ‘all that didn’t belong to nobody. In the evening, hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs hall, I went out to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was Borset, the butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any more—the game wasn’t worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, and quietly remarked that I thought it was possible for a city clerk to be a gentleman. He replied he was very glad to hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come across one, for he hadn’t. He left the house, slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn’t removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to have given him. However, I will keep it for another occasion.

April 7.—Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the office were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to apologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unable to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night instead. He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow; so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that on this occasion they should be fresh. I am afraid we shall have to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden the paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark chocolate) on Monday.

April 8, Sunday.—After Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on special occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my display, I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round the side entrance. He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. Most annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk round the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and radishes. Went to Church again in the evening: walked back with the Curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of trousers, only repaired. He wants me to take round the plate, which I think a great compliment.

CHAPTER II

Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life. Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings.

April 9.—Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided not to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want my custom. I simply said: Then what are you making all this fuss about it for? And he shouted out at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear: Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up ‘things’ like you by the dozen!

I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent kicking at the door, enough to break the panels. It was the blackguard butcher again, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, and would immediately bring an action against me. Called at Farmerson’s, the ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairing the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the landlord with such a trifling matter.

Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter and decorator, who had sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs, as it contained Indian carmine. He said he spent half-a-day calling at warehouses to see if he could get it. He suggested he should entirely repaint the stairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried to match it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would be more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work done properly. I consented, but felt I had been talked over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went to bed at nine.

April 10.—Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. He seems a very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him, and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them that if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be discharged.

Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, told me to keep my hair on! I informed him I had had the honour of being in the firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I looked it. I gave him an indignant look, and said: I demand from you some respect, sir. He replied: All right, go on demanding. I would not argue with him any further. You cannot argue with people like that. In the evening Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about the smell of paint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not always cautious; and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she was present.

April 11.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. To-day was a day of annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus to the City, through having words with the grocer’s boy, who for the second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall-door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the fresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he had knocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs doing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the bell? He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand.

I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened to me before. There has recently been much irregularity in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately chose this very morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to the others. The result was that I was the only one late of the lot. Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his intervention. As I passed by Pitt’s desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive! This was, of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence, simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of making both of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummings called in the evening, and we

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