Illusional Loves

By Marsha Harris-Manley

Lincoln is a young lady lost without her father. He was the only person Lincoln has ever had a true bond with. She's trying to maneuver in a world she is not equipped to handle on her own. She is left with a self-centered mother, who's only concerned with the fact she got pregnant by a soldier (Lincoln's dad), and she will always get a monthly benefit check from the army. Lincoln became her security blanket but also the biggest throne on her side.

Lincoln leaves home for good as an early teen and is misguided by her own distorted thinking and her ideological thoughts of what a perfect life consists of. Lincoln meets Lance, and he has all the great qualities Lincoln felt a person should have. He had a great smile, the innocence that she felt every young person still has, and the perfect parents. He was born and raised in an apostolic church, so Lincoln just knew in her heart he was heaven-sent. Lincoln always knew she had all her ducks lined up perfectly, and marriage to Lance completes her line of ducks along with two of his children.

After being married, Lincoln learns nothing is perfect in this world, and her ducks begin to waddle away one by one. Lincoln has to deal with her husband having an affair, a gambling addiction that spiraled out of control, and the men who loved her. She was unable to commit to anyone. Lincoln has to figure out a way to fix her life, which has been crumbling. She has been running away from herself for so long that now she has caught up and has to deal with the consequences.

Finally, Lincoln is rejoined with all her sisters on a cruise that is unforgettable.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 9, 2021
• ISBN: 9781637107973

Book preview

In the Beginning

S asha, Bailey, Lincoln, get y’all asses home!

You could hear Shirley, Lincoln’s mother, calling them from two blocks away. It was in the early eighties, when Lincoln was a teenager. She lived in a middle-class neighborhood where all the neighbors knew one another. The neighborhood children had a nickname for one another’s mothers. They called Lincoln’s mom the Grinch because she was so mean. When Lincoln’s friends would play in front of the house or in the grass, Lincoln’s mother would turn on the sprinklers and tell them to take their hoodlum asses home. She treated her daughters the same, except for the baby girl Mookie.

Mookie was Shirley’s pride and joy, but she was just as mean. She was the spitting image of Shirley inside and out.

When Mookie was in the second grade, another student called her a spook. There was a heater in her classroom that the children were constantly warned about because it got hot as fire. Mookie just so happened to sit closer to it than the rest of the class. Seeking revenge, Mookie went into the student’s cubby and got his yellow raincoat and sat it on the heater. When it was recess time and the boy was looking for his coat, Mookie just pointed to a yellow liquid mess dripping on the floor like an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. The child cried hysterically.

Stop crying. You’re looking like a spook, Mookie said with a deceptive smile. The school called Shirley to pick her up, and they went home and laughed about it.

*****

Someone should have told Lincoln that life was not fair. She grew up reading so many fairytales that she believed in them. She believed she was a princess because her dad made her feel like one. When he died, she believed some Prince Charming was going to ride on his white horse and come rescue her from the family she was left with. She was always outgoing and had lots of friends, but she did not allow them to get too close. She played with her friends at school and met them at the movies and other places, but she never wanted them to feel the wrath of her mother. Her mother would yell and curse at anyone for almost anything.

One time, Lincoln had company over, and it began to rain. Her friends came in the house and waited in the living room until the rain stopped. They kept peeking through the curtains. Shirley started cursing at them for peeking through her curtains and insisted they were hoodlums with no home training. Lincoln was so embarrassed she told them they could wait on the back porch. She never allowed any more friends to come visit.

Some said Shirley was bitter after her first husband found out she was carrying another man’s child. She bragged to everyone she was impregnated by a soldier. She knew her husband was out sleeping with other women, and this was her way of getting even. He didn’t leave Shirley, but he started treating her really bad. He stayed out late and started drinking more. It was rumored he was on drugs. Right after Shirley had Lincoln, he was devastated. She promised she would not see the soldier anymore, and he promised he would start being a better husband and father. Nine months later, she had Mookie, which she called her love child. She said Mookie was her only child made from love of her marriage. Her husband was unable to keep his promise about being faithful and a better husband, and they divorced a year later. Despite the split, he always took care of his daughters.

When Lincoln went to middle school, she became close friends with a girl name Lilly. Lilly was a beautiful biracial girl with green eyes and blond hair. Despite her delicate features, Lilly also possessed a mean streak that couldn’t be matched. When Lincoln would get into fights, Lilly would be right by her side. Lilly only lived a block over from Lincoln. It was rumored that Shirley’s ex-husband was having affairs with Lilly’s aunt.

The day before Thanksgiving, Lincoln went over to Lilly’s house, and her aunt was skinning a coon. Lincoln was making grimaced faces because she thought it was gross. Lilly’s aunt thought it would be funny to scare Lincoln with the coon by pretending to throw it on her. Lincoln slapped Lilly’s aunt and ran. Lilly continued to berate her aunt for messing with Lincoln and told Shirley that her aunt was having relations with her ex-husband. Lincoln and Lilly bonded even more that day.

Although Lincoln was not Shirley’s favorite child, she still made it a point to go over to Lilly’s house and cause a scene. Shirley’s neighbor’s cat had just given birth to four adorable kittens. Shirley told the neighbor that someone was interested in buying them. Shirley proceeded to put the four kittens in a pillowcase then walked around the corner and confronted Lilly’s aunt about messing with her ex-husband. When Lilly’s aunt was reluctant to own up to the accusations, Shirley threw the poor kittens in the pot with the boiling coon. Lincoln was so embarrassed but angry at the same time because Shirley didn’t mention the fact of why they had originally come. Instead, Lilly’s aunt pretending to threaten Lincoln with a coon was an excuse for Shirley to express the deep hatred she had been harboring for her ex-husband’s new paramour.

Lincoln discovered then that Shirley would never have her back, but she wanted Lincoln there to make an example out of anyone who dared cross her. Her point was received very well because Lincoln could not get those adorable crying kittens out of her mind. Never had she met anyone as cruel as her mother.

Lilly and Lincoln pinky promised they would be friends forever. They both came from dysfunctional households and became each other’s escape. Lilly’s mother did not know who Lilly’s father was, so Lilly loved staying the weekends with Lincoln and her father. They both had similar style; they shopped at Winkleman’s and Maryanne’s inside of the Pontiac Mall and loved spending money. A guy named Larry started designing and making their clothes for them in the eighth grade. He was a talented seamstress. Lincoln started to notice that money wasn’t an object to Lilly. She spent it frivolously, and when Lincoln confronted her about it, she learned that Lilly’s boyfriend was a drug dealer. This was the beginning of the end of their friendship.

*****

The summer after eighth grade, Lilly’s boyfriend provided Lilly with three sets of stolen Michael Jackson tickets. Not only was Michael Jackson a megastar but he was also performing in their city for three consecutive nights! The Pontiac Silverdome was sold out for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but the Lincoln and Lilly duo would be front and center the whole weekend. Lincoln did not like the fact that the tickets were hot, but she was not going to turn down a free concert to see a megastar in her own city either. They had a wonderful time Friday night. Saturday night was even better, but Sunday night was unbelievable.

They stood in line on Sunday night. The crowd was massive. In front of them was a kid who was dressed up just like Michael Jackson. He had on his red Beat It jacket, glitter gloves, and black shoes with the white socks. It was the cutest thing. When the father pulled out his tickets to give to the usher, they were handed back to him explaining that the tickets were for last night’s concert. His son just fell out on the floor screaming. The father explained to the usher that this was his only day off to take his son and that he worked a lot of overtime to do so. The usher gave her apologies but reminded him it was a sold-out concert. Lincoln and Lilly were so in sync with each other they knew exactly what to do. They handed the man and his son their tickets and proceeded to walk away. The crowd started cheering as if Lincoln and Lilly were heroes. They were to that father and son.

They did not make it out the gate before they were approached by two security guards. They were terrified, thinking they were caught and will possibly be punished for accepting and then distributing stolen tickets. They were about to run, but to their amazement, the guards informed them that they were invited backstage to meet Michael Jackson. They never imagined their weekend would end on an epic note. Lilly and Lincoln talked about the event all summer long and showed everyone the pictures they took with MJ. Lincoln also discussed the stolen tickets with Lilly and warned her of the unforeseen danger that was coming if she continued to date a drug dealer.

Lincoln thought she was too young to be getting involved with something so big. Lilly said that her boyfriend was in the tenth grade and that they were going to get married one day. Lincoln gave her some harsh statistics of how drug dealers were either murdered or either sentenced to imprisonment and that either way their life is interrupted by the choices they are making. And she told her did not think marriage for them would be a reality. Lincoln knew she was listening because Lilly stopped hanging around her after that. Lilly had a new set of wild friends, which suited Lincoln just fine. When they reached high school, Lincoln was more focused than ever. She just wanted to complete her four years of high school and go to college like her father motivated her to do all the time.

It was the end of ninth grade when Lilly was murdered by a jealous girl whom Lilly’s boyfriend was seeing on the side. She stabbed Lilly thirty-four times. It was sad to know Lilly had died this way. She was the same girl Lincoln had once confided in and considered a dear friend. This taught Lincoln several lessons: One, never let a man define who you are or lower your standards to be with him; two, there will be many distractions coming your way, but you have to remain focused by setting goals; three, she realized she had too many sisters to have fake friends. She just wished Lilly did not get distracted by the money and jewelry her guy was giving her; she wished she had been able to see her childhood friend graduate from high school and succeed.

Lincoln knew whatever she wanted in life, she would have. She would buy things for herself with money she earned. Whatever guys gave her would just be extra stuff she wanted but didn’t really need. Somebody else’s money and fame were not going to get her distracted from her goals or define who she was.

Lincoln learned that people who crossed her path did so for a reason. She believed nothing happened by chance. Lilly was her lesson to be careful of the guys she selected. Her horrible death was a reminder that even when you want to give up, life will go on without you. When it seemed as if the lessons Lincoln learned from Lilly’s death were escaping her, she had several reminders by several people before she snapped back to reality.

*****

Sasha, Lincoln’s older sister, would go to summer camp every year, while Bailey and Lincoln stayed home and washed walls, scrubbed floors, and cooked. Their mother would come home from work and inspect the housework by running her finger over the baseboard behind the couch or in a closet. If she had a speck of dirt on her finger, they would have to start all over again. In addition to working like slaves, cleaning all summer long, Shirley demanded they iron every piece of linen and underwear in the house. She reminded them that an idle mind is a devil’s playground; Lincoln thought the devil must be having a ball with Shirley.

Despite sometimes being embarrassed of her mother, Lincoln didn’t care what people said about her. She learned to approach situations with a face of steel and to leave her feelings out of it. When they first moved in their home, Lincoln got lost on her block. She stood at the corner for an hour and was about to cry. One of the girls on the block watched this for a while to see how it was going to play out. When she saw Lincoln with tears in her eyes, she walked over to her and asked, You really forgot where you lived, huh?

Lincoln said yes, and the girl replied, Give me two dollars and I will show you.

Lincoln gave her the money, and the girl pointed two houses down. You must be some kind of dumb, the girl sneered.

Lincoln excelled in school and even ended up tutoring the girl. They became friends. Lincoln learned that people who tried to use you usually end up needing you.

*****

Sasha, the eldest of Shirley’s four girls, was always ready to fight. She fought a lot of girls because they were always picking on Bailey. Bailey was too timid and afraid to say anything to anyone, so Sasha would fight her battles. One day, Sasha threw a party in the basement. Bailey came down a little later, and some girls whispered, Ugh, who invited her? Bailey ran back up the stairs tearfully. Without hesitation, Sasha beat the two girls up and encouraged Bailey to get some licks in—but of course, she was too afraid.

Bailey did not like anything or anybody but her sisters, putting clothes on her paper dolls, and cooking. Bailey was overweight and stayed in the kitchen cooking the family meals. When her mother was not around, she would make chocolate chip cookies, cakes, and muffins from scratch. Not only could she throw down in the kitchen but she could also sing like Aretha. Even though she had the voice of an angel, she didn’t like to perform in front of others. Unlike the rest of the girls in the family, who spoke their mind and fought constantly, Bailey was shy.

*****

Lincoln tried to use fighting as her last resort, but no matter how hard she tried, it became second nature to her. After getting stabbed multiple times by different people, she realized there had to be other options if she was to stay alive, because people were out to kill her one way or another. The first knife wound happened when she went outside to buy a popsicle from the ice cream truck. A girl her neighbor was dating approached her about some he-said-she-said that Lincoln was supposedly involved in. Lincoln did not deny it. When her neighbor confided in her that he was dating Daisy, she said, Crazy Daisy from around the block? Lincoln explained to Daisy that they made a nice couple because they were both special. Everyone laughed, and Lincoln was caught off guard by the knife that went into her side. Lincoln was too busy fighting to notice all the blood that was oozing out of her.

She was rushed to the hospital and had to have exploratory surgery because the knife was rusted and contaminated. When Lincoln returned to school the following Monday, she had to fight all over again. The girl and her crew of misfits were waiting for her. Some were too big for ninth grade, and some were just too awkward. But together they looked like they were all miserable just being alive. Their numbers gave them a sense of togetherness, and no one was going to mess with one without messing with them all. Lincoln fought each one. After several more superficial cuts and dull–razor blade attempts to end Lincoln’s life, the girl and her crew spent time in a juvenile facility, and Lincoln became a force to be reckoned with.

Lincoln

Lincoln grew up in a family where everyone made their own rules, especially her. She wasn’t the type to want attention, not that she received any from her family anyway. After her father died, she began to spend time reading in her room or at the library. She dealt with her family by ignoring most of them. She never felt like she belonged, and it didn’t quite feel right that she existed either. She constantly asked God what her purpose was and to guide her through life. It seemed as if he was the only person who cared about her after her father passed.

Lincoln used to cry all the time when she would go with her father on the weekends and it was time for her to return home. He would tell her, Lincoln, you have God, and if God is all you have, then God is all you need. She wanted, more than anything, to feel loved like Sasha and Mookie. She didn’t quite understand what love was because she didn’t feel it. She grew up thinking love must be an illusion. But when she got older, she realized fairytales existed because she thought she married the man of her dreams.

Lincoln was always dreaming about a perfect world, with perfect children and a perfect spouse. She could not handle things when they started to unravel. She was the one who always ended up putting things together again. In