The Pizzutos: A Novella Comedy of an Odd and Wacky Couple from Mamaroneck

By Franco La Monica

This book is a semibiographical novel of the Pizzutos, a unique and funny couple from Mamaroneck, New York. It recalls their lives and how close they always were in physical proximity from each other, until destiny united them in 1980. They side swiped each other at the fork of destiny's road and fused into the Pizzutos. Hysterically comical in parts, this book evolves into many separate recollections of what actually happened to them since they moved into the home that they resided in for the last thirty years. As destiny would have it, they were childless. The two cats in this book can be found buried in the backyard alongside another cat called Goldie and other pets, including goldfish and other critters. All the names have been changed, but all their relatives know who they are. Lots of laughs. This book is basically a sequel to the author's last novel called Little Jimmy. Anyhow, it has all the flavors of very odd situational comedy, embedded in nonconventional spirituality. In addition, it reveals how destiny has its way with us all. Read it by candlelight, preferably on a rocking chair in front of a lit fireplace. If one does not have a fireplace, they can tuck themselves in bed, read themselves to sleep, and begin to dream dreams just like the Pizzutos did. If one likes to laugh and still enjoys a good easy read, this novel contains both qualities!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 29, 2019
• ISBN: 9781644583128

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The Pizzutos

A Novella Comedy of an Odd and Wacky Couple from Mamaroneck

Franco La Monica

Copyright © 2019 by Franco La Monica

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Prologue

They are not professional comedians, but their comedic stories are pretty much all true, except when they started to dream.

Like the old American silver dollars that are composed of ninety per cent pure silver, their story is similarly composed with 90% truth, because they actually lived all those scenarios.

The other 10 percent are the dreams and the embellishment of the dreams, that made their reality come true in that predestined bond.

They both landed on earth with a thud from a very unusual orbit, and landed in a town called Mamaroneck!

Here is their story!

Chapter 1

Audrey Goes to College

Audrey in her college dorm

It was a rainy Sunday when Audrey prepared to meet her first day of college. The day started out with her nervous mother waking her. Hon, do you know what tomorrow is? Audrey replied with morning-crust eyes, Did you make coffee? Her mom Nelly replied, Yes, I did, tomorrow is your big day, and we have a lot of preparing to do! Come on Audrey, get up!

That morning, she woke with a nauseous feeling in her gut, because she knew that life after this day was never going to be the same.

Her room was a mess—clothes were littered everywhere, papers were scattered all over the place, crumpled and empty diet soda cans were lined up like a bunch of drunken sailors. Her room was not tidy to say the least.

Anyhow, the reality that Audrey felt on that day was different than any other day. An awareness and anticipation of the unknown lurked in her mind. She felt as if a curtain was about to open on her, and her lines were not memorized! Besides, her right leg was shaking.

On this same day, her brother knew deep in his heart that soon there would be peace in paradise; nonetheless, throughout the day, he was extra nice to Audrey.

Daddy was a sad man (though he never showed it) because his sweets—sveets—was leaving home for the first time. The three-bedroom apartment was going to miss the bubbliest and most talkative little girl that Daddy took for ice cream, daily.

Her mother was a wreck, from morning to the last bit of night.

Quite a few zings were exchanged like Leave me alone and Grow up were exchanged throughout the day. Are you going to bring this and that? Are you going to forget this and that? At one point, Audrey slammed her room’s door shut, threw herself on the floor, crushing two diet Coke cans, and then cried. Her mother, father, and brother finally realized the pressure Audrey was under.

The apartment got deathly quiet after the last hair-curling scene, and all got the message that she needed some time alone.

After a good six minutes of crying, the two crumpled cans under her felt uncomfortable, so she slowly got up off them, swiped some stuff off the bed on to the floor, lay on the bed with a pensive stare to the ceiling, and fell asleep teary-eyed.

She started to dream.

Her new dorm room was elegantly decorated with a star-studded sign saying, Welcome, Audrey! As she crossed the threshold, she suddenly felt thirty pounds lighter as she approached a gold cornice mirror over her beautiful new dresser; she nearly fainted! There she was, beautiful straight blond hair with a perfect body to match.

Suddenly, there was a knock on her dorm’s door; she asked perkily, Who is it? A pleasant young man answered, I’m your next-door neighbor. She opened the door, and there stood the most handsome young man she ever saw in her life, naturally sending a quiver in her stomach.

Hi, my name is John, did anyone ever tell you, you were beautiful? Immediately, they embraced like it was destiny and started to passionately kiss.

As they were kissing in the dream, another knock on the door loudly banged, naturally waking the sleeping beauty. Her mom Nelly barged in with a tuna sandwich with lettuce and tomato.

Honey, you have to eat! She exclaimed. Get up, you have a lot of things to do! Audrey replied once again with, Oh, Ma, leave me alone!

Tuna sandwiches and Audrey were inseparable. Her mother knew this and often used them as a reward or a reconcilable act after a small feud. Her father used ice cream for the same purpose, inadvertently causing their beautiful-faced daughter’s Future social problems. Nonetheless, the combination between a beautiful face and a blond natural Afro made her very attractive, only if she combed the knots out of it like her mother pestered her to do.

The day was frantic unlike all Sundays; nonetheless, all things were prepared for the big day.

The morning after came, and as usual, Nelly woke Audrey with the same words she used the day before, Honey, get up. Audrey also replied with the same words she used the day before. However, this day started at 5:00 AM with Audrey waking up with the same nauseating feeling as the prior day (something that she would do for many a year to come, because of a good situation or a bad one, they both would induce the same nauseating effect on her).

Before everyone realized it, everything was packed and ready to go. She had two large suitcases and a large handbag. She did not have room for one item though, Her teddy bear! She placed it on the freshly made bed and centered it perfectly between her pillows.

The timing was perfect as her mom walked in her room while Audrey stared at her teddy bear. They both happened to look at the sad face of the teddy bear and, like a true Hollywood moment, simultaneously burst into tears. It was the end of the world, and who died? Who was going to be exiled to Mongolia? Her father, hearing that commotion, ran in the room and gave comfort only like a father can. Her brother, as usual, slept through it all like a brother would.

After that tearful good-bye, her dad, impeccably dressed, drove his daughter in his jalopy to the Larchmont train station.

Audrey was ready to embark on the longest journey of her life and less than an hour away. Pace University of New York City!

Was New York City going to adopt Audrey? Was Audrey going to adapt to New York City?

As the train pulled in the train station, Audrey took one last look in Daddy’s eyes; she shed one last tear, and only then she boarded the 7:25.

She happened to catch the eyes of a few passengers as they curiously looked at those great big suitcases and the obvious smeared makeup from her farewell tears.

She suddenly felt a realization that she might be perceived as a runaway.

She began to think one negative thought after the other. What would she do if a pimp approached her at Penn Station? What would she do if she were kidnapped? Well, my father has no money, and how will the ransom be paid? I guess they are going to kill me! Her mind rambled all possible scenarios.

Audrey was the type of girl who relied on food to ease her stress, and suddenly, a huge hunger came over her like a colossal monument. She checked her handbag for a candy bar or a snack and found none. She checked her coat pockets, and lo and behold, she felt something mushy and wet in her right pocket. Her hand happened to touch a badly wrapped and plastered tuna sandwich inside the lining of her pocket. Oh, Mom, she blurted out as a few more tears fell while catching the attention of a lady sitting next to her.

The lady sitting next to her really thought that this runaway had a fight with her mom and was running away from home. The lady was well dressed and happened to be a lawyer. But she said nothing throughout the train ride while glancing at Audrey from time to time.

Audrey started to eat her tuna fish for breakfast instead of lunch and at the last bite, the train opened its doors. Grand Central Station, the sign read while the well-dressed lady handed Audrey her card and said, Call me, I can help, and disappeared with the crowd.

Audrey did not know what to make of it at first, and then she read the card, which said, Shapiro and Eisenstein Attorneys-at-Law. She smiled and instantly felt new confidence while telling herself, If I’ll get into any trouble, there will be good people ready to help.

She picked up her heavy suitcases, strapped her long-handle pocketbook around her neck, and stepped out on to the platform. Here I am! she exclaimed like a true frontiersman, catching the attention of a real pimp. He was the usual type of pimp, wide-brimmed hat, a fur coat, and a hop. He walked toward Audrey and said, Can I help, little girl? Suddenly, he wiggled his nose and walked away without saying any other words. She guessed that it was the tuna smell acting like a lucky charm, keeping the bad spirits away! Audrey finally realized that she smelled like a dead fish, making her more nervous and hungry. She could not wait until she got into the confines and security of her dorm.

The cab ride from Grand Central to her dorm was a lesson in motorcar racing. It involved getting something stinky out of your cab quickly!

She checked in the front desk of her dorm and was given a key to her room. Room number 1206. She was going to share this room with a roommate that she would soon meet.

She walked through a maze of corridors. Finally, after catching her breath, she reached her room’s door. She knocked, and instantly, a girl answered, Who is it?

Audrey, your new roommate. The door opened, and a beautiful blond-haired girl with a perfect body stood there starring at Audrey with a half smile. Ah! You’re Audrey? And Audrey replied, Oh… you’re Stacey?

Time stood still for what seemed an eternity, because this girl was the girl that Audrey dreamed about. She was herself in the dream, the girl she wanted to be all her life until her mom woke her with a tuna sandwich the day before.

Stacy stood in front of the doorway and said, Don’t just stand there, come in and make yourself at home. Audrey lugged the two suitcases in and suddenly she felt thirty pounds heavier. The room was small, and everything was in a perfect order. Audrey took her coat off and threw it sloppily onto the wrong bed.

The girls started to chat and were asking questions about each other when Stacy, interrupting, asked, What’s that fishy smell? Audrey replied, Oh! My klutzy mom did not wrap my tuna sandwich correctly and then she stuffed it in my coat pocket.

Stacy said with a friendly and sarcastic smile, Like mother like daughter. Please take your stinky coat off my bed and hang it properly on that hook because there are rules in this room, partner! Still smiling beautifully and confidently, she proceeded to control the conversation. This is not good, Audrey thought. Not only is she perfect, she is also bossy.

The rest of the morning was spent organizing the cluster of things that came out of Audrey’s two suitcases.

They each had a dresser, a bed, and a closet, but Audrey did not have the bed with the view of the city! I’ll manage, she said to herself while a knock on the door interrupted her thought. Stacy replied, Is it you, John? Her boyfriend answered, Yeah, it’s me, open up, Stacy! Stacy opened the door, embraced the boy, and instantly locked lips with him.

Lo and behold—it was the same boy she dreamed about yesterday when her mom woke her up with a tuna sandwich. Only now, he was in the arms of another girl named Stacy. Suddenly, Audrey felt nauseous.

As they unclasped briefly, Stacy said causally, John, this is Audrey. Audrey, this is John, while pointing at both with her dainty left hand.

Audrey cleared her throat and said in a shaking voice, How do you do, John? John replied, How do you do, Audrey? Then he looked around the room and said, What’s that smell?

The two girls started to smile—Audrey from nervous nausea and Stacy in a sadistic kind of smile. Audrey interrupted the smiling and said to the lovebirds, As far as the smell is concerned, Stacy will explain, but right now I perceive that you two lovebirds need some time alone. She grabbed Stacy’s coat, walked out red-faced, and half smiling said, It’s been nice meeting you, John. Then she turned to Stacy. Oh! By the way, Stacy, I’ll be back in one hour.

The beginning of her college career was well on the way, with many things to acclimate to. As she closed the room’s door on the lovebirds, she knew that she would somehow make it after all.

She proceeded to walk down the corridor of her dorm, and suddenly, the theme from the Mary Tyler Moore Show was heard through one of the dorm rooms. Now, she knew it was destiny, and Mary Tyler Moore confirmed that she was going to make it after all.

Audrey was a shy girl deep inside, but when she had her caffeine, her mouth ran way past any speed limit set by any authority. She was free at last, a young girl in the big city wandering around in Greenwich Village next to her dorm and shopping in all the head shops with Daddy’s allowance.

Tuesday was the first day of classes. She came back to her room and found it empty; the window was open and her coat was laid on the windowsill. She grabbed a diet Coke from a little refrigerator that she and Stacy shared and gulped it down like a jock would down a can of beer. Ha! This is the life, she said to herself. Her roommate came in shortly afterward; they chatted till 1:00 AM, and then both fell asleep.

After the first week, both girls began to get on each other’s nerves. As the weeks went by, it got worse and worse, especially when Audrey became romantically involved with a long-haired hippy that dealt pot.

On the other hand, Stacy was beautiful and a cheerleader jock who liked to drink. Audrey was also beautiful but a pot smoker with a big butt.

Eventually, Audrey met a new boyfriend name Charley and he did not see eye to eye with Stacy’s boyfriend. They got on each other’s nerves because they came from two different worlds. John’s father was a nark, and Charley’s dad was a blue-collar biker.

Eventually, the two girls managed to be roommates for only a few months, and then they gave each other nicknames. One became Slobo as in slob, and the other became Lushi as in lush. It was time to part the Red Sea!

Down the hall in room 1208, a similar scenario of incompatibility was taking place with another set of badly matched roommates. Their names were Gina and Lori. Again, one was a jock and one was a hippie.

Audrey and Gina hit it off instantly in one of the many parties they went to. In two more weeks, they became soul mates and roommates. Stacy and Lori also became best friends. The switch was sealed and signed—done! Now all four could endure the arduous task of learning and socializing successfully.

Gina and Audrey were sensitive flaky souls. For the next few months, they talked up a storm together about the frivolous and yet necessary nonsense teenage girls talk about, mostly about boys. All this was done after all the scholastic duties were performed.

One day, the long-haired boy gave Audrey flowers causing Audrey to melt like swiss cheese. This was the first time a boy gave her flowers, but in the coming days, he broke Audrey’s heart before the flowers had a chance to wilt.

One night, he called Audrey and asked her to come down in the dormitory’s lounge. Shortly afterward, she came down to the lounge, and there he was with a girl named Marcia. From across the hall and not being noticed yet, Audrey saw that this girl was all over her boyfriend. She was teasing him, gently touching him and smiling at him with a devilish—flirtatious smile.

When she noticed what was going on, Audrey walked up to him and bluntly said, What are you doing with her? He bluntly blurted back, Because I want to be with her!

That did it. From that day forward, Audrey was never the same again. Charley broke up with her, sending Audrey into a pit of depression. This was the first major hurdle Audrey had to overcome in college.

It was a Thursday night when the breakup occurred. She managed to make it through Friday with only one