Breaking Free

By Sara Colvin

After nine and a half years of recovery, Sara had built a successful life for herself and her daughter. A life they both found rewarding, exciting, and prosperous. Until the day she relapsed into an uncontrollable addiction. An eighteen-month drug run came crashing to an end in the back of a police car, with Sara in shackles and handcuffs. She was sent to the county jail where she had a million-dollar bail and was facing over a dozen serious felony charges. Not knowing if she would be spending the coming years of her life as an inmate in a state prison, Sara was inspired to create this personal memoir. "One evening early on, I heard a voice clearly speaking to me, 'Prepare your heart to receive my gift.' I cannot explain how I recognized the voice of God. I simply knew that I was to embark upon a journey illuminated by revelation and marked by agony and ecstasy. Alone and secluded in the darkness of confinement, I committed to embark upon the path ahead." Sara's real-life account affirms that addiction is deadly, progressive, and incurable. Her experience also proves that there is a solution called recovery. Sara details both in an intensely moving memoir.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Nov 12, 2019
• ISBN: 9781645690818

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Breaking Free 

A Memoir

Sara Colvin 

ISBN 978-1-64569-080-1 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64569-081-8 (digital)

Copyright © 2019 by Sara Colvin

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Prologue

Introduction

A New Life

Becoming Addicted

The Struggle for Recovery

The First Year

Step Work

Major Transitions

Regression

Slow Detachment

Slipping Away

Mental Deterioration

Romance

Relapse

Picking Up

Progression

Incarceration

Back to the Basics

Spiritual Transformation

Divine Precepts

Priority Reorganization

Deterrents to Relapse

Goals

Endorsements

Sara Colvin’s brutally honest Breaking Free is a compelling and intimate memoir focusing on one young woman’s troubled early life involving the use and abuse of drugs and alcohol. Sara’s life choices during her teens and early twenties ultimately lead her down a path of personal destruction onto the virtual brink of its ever-present precipice. However, through this seemingly unending addiction-ladled journey of darkness and despair, Sara awakes one day and is determined to finally find her true self. She does this through her own newly discovered inner strengths, some trusted friends, skilled and caring professionals, and most of all, God. She thus begins the slow, upward spiral to her living the full life of friend, daughter, and, most importantly, mother.

This book is a must-read to anyone suffering from addiction issues and/or helping someone else who may be addicted. Getting clean and sober are an absolute possibility, and Ms. Colvin tells the reader through her own moving story how at least one person managed to accomplish it. It may not be easy, but it can be done, and Sara shows us the way in her up-close-and-personal tale of redemption.

—James R. Fitzgerald, MS

Supervisory Special Agent, FBI (Ret.)

Profiler, Forensic Linguist

Author, A Journey to the Center of the Mind: Books I, II, III

As the opioid epidemic rages on, Breaking Free…is a timely and very important book. Ms. Colvin provides to the professional, the lay person, and those struggling in addiction a thorough, comprehensive understanding of the devastating effects of addiction and the difficulties of obtaining and maintaining recovery. She delineates some of the causes, progression, and the process of healing. The book is an inspiration to her and everyone struggling with addiction. I have over forty-five years working in the substance abuse field and can honestly state: This is one of the most cogent, pithy works on the subject that I have ever read.

—Bruce Schaffer, M.Ed., C.C.J.P.

This book is must-read for anyone who has ever loved an addict or loved someone whose life was torn apart by another person’s addiction. In her brutally honest, heart-rending account of the rollercoaster life of an addict, Sara Colvin proves that addiction is a devastating illness that very few non-addicts truly understand. Reading about Sara’s journey will open your eyes to unimaginable suffering and determination. Much of the book is not easy to read, but you will hopefully be a more compassionate person after you have processed Sara’s painful story.

—Marsha Konell,

A mother who lost her twenty-nine-year-old daughter to drug addiction

and is currently raising the child she left behind

I could not compile a memoir without honoring the men who personally placed me on the path of recovery. Therefore, this book is dedicated to the task force team of the Bensalem Police Department, whose combined efforts provided the catalyzing force which ended a devastating active addiction and reopened the gateway to freedom. The results of your commitment and service have proven worthwhile in the rebuilding of the foundation of my life. Without your intervention, my name would be engraved upon a tombstone, not inscribed upon a book cover. The duty of law enforcers was accomplished on that Thursday night when the team of detectives took me off the streets. Throughout the interrogation process, your sincerity and compassionate understanding amazed me. You rightfully earned the utmost respect from me and my family through your support and integrity during the trial. The unnecessary and unexpected acts of kindness by thoughtful detectives instilled within me an unceasing gratitude. Pardon my bias if I hold the Bensalem Police Department in high regard. The team rescued a lost, hopeless life from the ravages of death. You returned a daughter to her mother and gave a mother back to her daughter. Countless lives are peaceful again, because of you.

Acknowledgments

God: Clearly, this is for you, by you, and through you. I continue to be rendered speechless as to Your unspeakable mercy. My life is my gift to you; my heart is Yours alone. You came through deplorable conditions—because You wanted me. You called and I continuously refused to listen. Until You picked me up out of the gutters of hell and saved me. Through the darkness, I was found. You are remarkable.

Mom: Our daily call did not merely carry me through as I so frequently attest. It rebuilt my soul. This book is for you because you told me I could. When one has a best friend, a mentor, a role model, a spiritual partner, a loyal companion, and a faithful confidant they are blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. But to have those very characteristics embodied in a single person is an extraordinary miracle. You are that gift to me. I would give my life for you; for you have already given so much of yours to me. I deeply admire you as my mother.

Laila: You are my angel. In your eyes I see heaven’s reflection. You provide the motivation and inspiration for everything I strive to be. We’ve travelled this road of recovery in the past and together we’ll do it again. My little co-creator, your resilience astounds me and your compassion puts me to shame. You know this book because more than anyone else, you were there with me. How many times can one child save a parent’s life? You have a special purpose. Girlfriend, the best is yet to come.

My relatives—siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, and family: Your consistent and thoughtful support encouraged me through the deep loneliness of incarceration. Your acceptance strengthened me during a time of tremendous humiliation and remorse. I clung to each letter, savoring every word of each card. Thank you for showing up for me when even society had kicked me out. Grandmom knew how to hold a family together—the continual stream of mail that appeared under my cell door demonstrated that as a family, we have clearly inherited her unconditional ability to love.

Dad: Your Wednesday afternoon visits were so important to me. You always knew how to make me laugh. I enjoyed the normalcy of our conversations and the updates on Two and a Half Men. You were never afraid to tell me how bad I’ve messed up because you think it could never be worse than you. Dad, I think I’ve got you beat on this one. Thanks for being a father when I really needed my dad.

Prologue

To give a detailed account of my personal history with addiction, recovery, and relapse with two primary intentions:

To educate the professional community involved in the field of alcohol and chemical dependency

To inspire those afflicted with the disease of alcoholism and addiction

Introduction

It is my experience that most people of normal, everyday functioning have a basic knowledge of addiction or at least a point of recognition with the term. Typically, everyone can think of a person battling some degree of a problem with an addictive substance or behavior. Actual understanding of the disease of addiction is less common in mainstream society. In depth comprehension is basically nonexistent outside of personal experience. However, even more unfamiliar is the process of recovery. It is my hope that this book will raise the awareness of both the addiction and addicted communities.

I wrote the first draft of this memoir while residing in the county jail—facing over a dozen serious felony charges and looking at the very real possibility of spending many years of my life as an inmate in a state prison. It was in these dire circumstances that my core belief system changed, dramatically altering the way I perceived and interacted with the world.

I had always held the underlying assumption that as you give to the world, so the world gives to you. Through incarceration, a magnificent spiritual transformation, and focused attention my karmic operating principle was shattered and destroyed. As unsettling as this may seem, I came to realize two profound truths, namely Grace and Mercy, which provide the basis for my renewed worldview. This is beautifully articulated by Saint Paul in Romans 8:28, We know that God causes everything to work for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them (New Believer’s Bible, NLT, 2006)

This revelatory statement crumbled my previous, erroneous mentality of getting what you give. Granted, my old view was not entirely without beneficial impact on myself and those around me. Core beliefs filter the lens through which we view the world and in this sense, they are a contributing force in behavior. For most of my life, I had tried to be polite and courteous, wanting others to do likewise. I treated others kindly and with respect, expecting a reciprocal response. What I believed to be true about the world appeared to be working effectively. I was getting back what I was giving out.

Then I relapsed into an uncontrollable addiction. Sitting in a lonely, cold cell after surviving eighteen months of brutal, vicious powerlessness, I no longer wanted the world to give to me as I had been giving to it. In fact, getting back what I had been giving to life terrified me. If I continued to believe in a reap-what-you-sow formula for the universe, I was in big trouble. Looking at the extent of the damage I had caused throughout a devastating relapse, what I deserved was to be put away, miserable for a very long time.

This is precisely the point where I discovered the two key concepts, Grace and Mercy, which came to form the foundation for my improved ideology. These spiritual principles became more than fanciful ideals taught at Sunday school. They became spiritual realities; motivating forces guiding my life.

Grace: getting what I do not deserve; unmerited gifts; unwarranted kindness, unjustified generosity

Mercy: not getting what I deserve; pardoning of a wrong, forgiveness of injustice, gentle discipline

Awaiting trial, my time in jail unfolded and I watched in awe and amazement as the miracles of Grace and Mercy turned into tangible factual experience. One evening early on, I heard a voice clearly speaking to me, Prepare your heart to receive my gift. I cannot adequately explain in scientific terms how I recognized the voice of God. Perhaps the best description I can offer is that of nostalgic familiarity. I immediately and intuitively knew I was being directed onto a journey to be illuminated by revelation and marked by agony and ecstasy. Alone and secluded in the darkness of confinement, I committed to embark upon the path ahead.

I could not say at the time that I was grateful for the experience of being incarcerated or for the total destruction created through relapse. I can now acknowledge numerous gifts received during that period of seclusion such as spiritual purification, renewed purpose and direction, emotional maturity, and God-awareness. There was definite profound growth, intense insights, and life-altering shifts of perception. However, I simply cannot justify personal spiritual awareness at the cost of the massive upheaval that occurred in my young daughter’s life as a result of my poor choices. I admit that God made the best out of a bad situation and I was led to find the diamond in the mud. Far from glorifying incarceration to any extent, I vigorously hold to the opinion that there could have been another way. At many points throughout my downfall, I could have chosen differently.

After nine and a half years of recovery, I had built a successful life for myself and Laila, my only child. A life we both found to be rewarding, exciting, and prosperous. Then I relapsed into an uncontrollable addiction which ultimately ended in the back of a police car, hands and feet bound by shackles and handcuffs. While actively drinking and drugging, I lost, sold, stole, or gave away everything we once had and entirely uprooted the life of an eleven-year-old girl. Laila had grown up in a recovery environment and understood what active addiction can do to lives but it wasn’t personal experience for her until I returned to my former behaviors. Knowing that Laila first handedly witnessed the horrendous destruction of active addiction convinces me there could have been another way. No child should ever be exposed to the horrors detailed in this book or subjected to the neglectful abandonment characteristic of addiction. Especially not a child accustomed to a better way of life.

I will honestly state that in order for me to get sober, I had to be forced into a guarded institution with no option to leave. I will not state that I had to initially relapse or that I had to come to jail to learn invaluable life lessons or fulfill a divine plan. I had many, many choices along the way and I will not trivialize my daughter’s loss. With that serving as my responsibility disclaimer, I offer this book to you—my part in making an awful situation useful to myself and others. Writing was a challenge and a blessing. Some sections flowed with great ease while with others I struggled to no satisfaction. I found that while writing, my emotions were influenced by the content. Describing the cruise ship filled me with joy and delight, whereas the trip to Costa Rica spurred deep regret. Recalling the borderline experience overwhelmed me with anxiety so tremendous my hands shook and I broke out in a sweat.

The process of composing a memoir had its peaks and valleys with the overall task blanketed with insight and reflection. Considered by me to be one of my top personal life accomplishments (Laila holding the number one position), I send out this book with love. My intention to educate and inspire remained firm. Addiction is deadly, progressive, and incurable. There is a solution. It’s called recovery and is available—and possible—for even the lifeless among the hopeless.

Part I

A New Life

1

Becoming Addicted

The first time I consumed alcohol, I became intoxicated to the point of stumbling home, making my way upstairs and into bed with the assistance of a friend, also a virgin drinker. I remember a wastebasket being placed near the edge of my bed, which proved a blessing numerous times over throughout that night marked by vomiting and fitful sleep. If there were any pleasant memories surrounding that evening, those details are lost in a drunken blur.

Weeks prior, I had suffered the heartbreaking pangs of losing my first love, a boyfriend I had been dating since I was twelve years old. I was now fifteen, in the ninth grade, and looking for an escape from the painful feelings of loss, depression, and confusion. Through a random occurrence, I had been told about a party happening in the woods with a group of neighborhood kids, none of which I had ever met. Every facet of this situation was a new experience for me. First, I had never before been invited to participate in anything like this. The parties I attended up to this point were preplanned occasions—with invitations sent ahead of time and balloons identifying the location so I knew where to arrive with my wrapped gift. There were also family get-togethers celebrating holidays, weddings, and the standard family events. I was raised with an exceptionally large extended family—my mother being the youngest of ten children. Spending time with my relatives was familiar to me. So far as parties were concerned, my only experience consisted of family occasions and birthday gatherings with my school friends.

I attended Catholic school for twelve years, being fully educated in the parochial school system. This entirely secluded me from the neighborhood kids attending public school. I was never cognizant of this separation until I found out other kids lived in my town and I did not know who they were. I had minimal involvement with anyone outside of classmates except during softball season. I played for the community league for eight years and although I was well liked, it was clear to me and my sister that these girls were all good friends. During softball season, I discovered that there were a lot of kids my age—residing in my own town—that were living a different life than me and my family. Boys would come to our games and practices to watch their girlfriends play or simply hang out around the field. They rode bikes even when it was dark and I never saw their parents around. This uninhibited freedom was foreign to me. Being on the softball team year after year exposed me to another way of life as I watched girls and boys in my age group have independence and privileges I had never known. They used curse words and knew the names of streets on the other side of town. I could recite every Catholic prayer and knew how to get to my grandmother’s house and church. These kids kissed and wore baggy clothes. I went camping with my Girl Scout troop and dressed identical to my best friend, on purpose. We may have lived in the same community, but we were not living similar lifestyles.

I quit playing softball when I was thirteen. It was a monumental year for me, colored with drastic changes. My parent’s marriage ended in divorce and my father moved out. I didn’t see him again for eight years. I was about to enter high school after being in the same class, in the same building, with my same friends since kindergarten. I was full swing into puberty and had gained fifteen pounds in the eighth grade. Bras and tampons were now necessary. Most importantly, I found myself in a serious romantic relationship with a boy from school. During this tumultuous period, I clung to him for safety, comfort, and love. Through the intensity of early adolescence, I found my boyfriend to be the single stabilizing influence holding me together. I came to depend upon the relationship for everything, developing no outside friendships or support. My world shrank to include only him. During the precious formation of my young identity, I connected myself