Damaged, but Still Good

By Ramona Rodgers

Damaged, but Still Good is a book that is revelatory in exemplifying that many of us as individuals whether good, bad, ugly, or indifferent are shaped by our experiences as early as childhood. Dexter Howard (2014) states, "That's what's missing as I look at the landscape of our society: identity and much needed affirmation." Mothers are designed to nurture, but fathers provide identity and affirmation. "Without those things, it leaves a hole in the heart of a child." Parents don't realize that broken relationships not only affect the couple involved, but it affects and shapes their children. "We are the sum total of our experiences. And, like a flowing river, those same experiences, and those yet to come, continue to influence and reshape the person we are, and the person we become. None of us are the same as we were yesterday, nor will be tomorrow" (B. J. Neblett). Oftentimes, we ask the question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" However, we learn the best lessons and gain wisdom in the worst circumstances. It is amid life challenges, catastrophes, and calamities that we understand that even when you have experienced great loss, God can still use what you have left! Life has taught me it's not what we go through that damages us, but an unwillingness to forgive the process designed to work for our greater good. The Bible says in Psalms 37:23 that the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord. Most of us believe that God is a God that only orders blessings. However, life has shown me that God does not just order blessings, but God orders trials. He orders setbacks, and he orders challenges, but in God's ordering, he will never put on us more than what we can bear.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 2, 2019
• ISBN: 9781642990089

Book preview

A Mothers’ Love

What are the characteristics of a mother’s love? My perception of a mother’s love is someone who makes a sacrifice to give you the best even when she may not be at her best. A mother has an unconditional love for her children that is relentless and that surpasses all understanding. My mother and I share a bond that is unbreakable because I am the oldest of her four children. My mother Edith Poue Mulligan is a native of South Carolina. However, when she turned eighteen years of age, she relocated to Rochester, NY. Upon relocation to Rochester, she is introduced to a young man by the name of Robert McCullough by her cousins and she began to indulge in what she perceived to be the epitome of a love interest.

Robert McCullough is a native of Rochester, NY. As an eighteen-year-old young man, Robert enjoyed being entertained at amusement parks, beaches, playing basketball, swimming, farms, house parties and hanging out with the fellas. Robert also enjoyed driving his dad Pompie McCullough’s car without a driver’s license. Between the ages of thirteen through fifteen Robert is very shy with approaching the young ladies. However, exposure to mature young ladies and the experience of college caused him to overcome his shyness. In 1971, Robert is attending SUNY Brockport. Robert upon enrollment to SUNY Brockport College is saved. However, the young ladies would approach him and after being drawn away into his own lust, he fell away from his Christian roots and the rest is His (Christ) story. Shortly after a brief rendezvous with Robert, my mother conceived me out of wedlock at the tender age of eighteen. There were family members as well as physicians advising my mother who was very afraid that she did not have to go through with the pregnancy, but abortion is an option.

My mother was very young, shy, passionate, full of life, yet filled with so much uncertainty. My grandmother Ola Hunter had previously told my mom that there are two things you won’t be forgiven for blasphemy of the Holy Ghost and self-murder. Therefore, because my mother had the fear of God, she decided that if she was woman enough to make her bed, she would be woman enough to lay in it. I believe the day that I was conceived, my existence changed my mother’s life forever, but for the better. My mother has given birth to a life; and now her life is transitioning from a carefree girl to a young adult who has the responsibility of nurturing a little human being. It is my understanding that when she disclosed her pregnancy to Robert who is young as well initially, he denied that I was his child. Maybe he denied me because he panicked when he heard the news that would entail a surmountable amount of responsibility. There is a slim possibility that Robert was not willing to give up his freedom or his youth to commit to one woman let alone a child. Robert not only abandoned the relationship with my mother, but also withdrew emotionally and financially from the responsibility of fatherhood.

Although experiencing so many mixed emotions, my life gave my mom a new lease on life and new meaning. After all; I am the apple of her eye, her baby girl, and her pride and joy. My mother expressed that her baby girl is the best thing that came out of what appeared to be a bad situation. My mother articulated that the abrupt relationship with my biological father made her feel like she was a used pair of pants that someone stepped into and stepped out of, left on the floor, and never looked back to be retrieved again. But soon, this young, unwed mother realized that although she felt like she failed, God is still in the plan. However, before the plan unfolded, she had to submit to the process of hurt, embarrassment, and betrayal; but she kept moving forward while submitting to the process. The definition of process is a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end. The end of a situation, a relationship, or an occupation, it doesn’t mean that it’s over for you. It just creates an opportunity for God to do his best work in you. The Bible says in Psalms 37:23 that, The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord. I’ve read Psalms 37:23 over and over again somehow thinking that God is a God that only orders blessings. However, life’s experiences have revealed to me that God does not just order blessings, but he orders trials. He orders setbacks and he orders challenges, but in God’s ordering, he will never put on us more than what we can bear.

For two years, my mother bore the responsibility of raising me alone. Although she had my grandmother’s support, she had to face her fears of raising me without my father. Research shows that parenthood is challenging under the best of conditions. With one parent, the challenges are multiplied. Coping with childrearing for single parents becomes more difficult because of responsibility overload. When one parent makes all of the decisions and provides for all the family needs; this can cause task overload. The demands for work, housework and parenting can be overwhelming for one person; and also cause emotional overload, when the single parent must always be available to meet both their own and their children’s emotional needs. Alone or in combination these result in problems for the single parent, including loneliness, anxiety, and depression. Support from friends and relatives can offset the effects of overload, with friends offering a buffer against loneliness and relatives giving more practical help (Gladow and Ray, 1986).

One difficulty with single parenting is asking for help in a society that defines the family as an autonomous unit responsible for its own circumstances and well-being. However, few single parents can successfully raise children alone, despite the social expectation that noncustodial parents (usually the father) should only be responsible for supplemental financial support, while the custodial parent (usually the mother) takes on both parenting and economic roles (Goldscheider and Waite, 1991). Some suggest that the ideal of an independent family head represents a Eurocentric view which is challenged by an African-American model of motherhood (Hill Collins, 1994). (http://www.encyclopedia.com/social-sciences-and-law/sociology-and-social-reform/sociology-general-terms-and-concepts/single).

One of my fondest memories of my mother is that with or without the necessary support, she is and has always been a rider. The definition of a rider is someone who does not quit easily, but she is the type of individual that could take a stumbling block and use it to become a stepping stone. Everything in our lives hasn’t been all good, but the fact that we made it in on broken pieces is all God! I have watched my mother go walk on top of what most women sink in; I have inherited those attributes as well. I have learned so many of my core values from my mother and that is how to forgive, as well as valuing marital vows not just when things are good, but for better and for worse; in sickness and in health.

My mother is an unsung heroine because her humility and willingness to put others needs before her own is the glue that has held our family together. My mother housed and fed many neighborhood children simply because she loves people without expecting anything in return. Another fond memory of my mother is that my mom used to love watching me express my little personality through dance. In my opinion, I have my mother’s build, but my biological father’s features and personality. Even as a kid, I had an outgoing personality and I loved to dance. Whenever I would dance, my mom would say, Teach me how to do that dance, and I would do my little dance over and over again. I would take it to the floor and bring it back up again, but little did I know she wasn’t trying to learn the dance. She just wanted to see me get my little groove on. I remember growing up my family members would say, That little girl can dance, and they would pay me to dance. Dancing somehow shifted my focus and made me feel like everything was all good!

The Missing Piece to the Puzzle

I have always been surrounded by strong black women in the church and in my immediate family who have encountered storms, but they have instilled in me that life is not about waiting on storms to pass, but learning to dance in the rain. Dancing in the rain simply means that one has learned not to allow anything to deter them from reaching their full potential. Those who dance in the rain don’t just wait for bad things in their life to go away, instead, they have a positive attitude, take challenges head on, and enjoy the journey (www.wiseoldsayings.com/dancing-in-the-rain-quotes/). I am reminded of a man in the bible by the name of Noah. Noah is a man who found great favor in God’s eyes. Mankind had become wicked and therefore; God decided to send destruction by way of a flood to destroy everyone, except Noah and his family. God told Noah to prepare an ark big enough to hold one male and one female from every kind of animal and creature. Initially, when God told Noah to build an ark the naysayers laughed at Noah for building an ark until those who laughed saw the rain. Don’t become distracted or discouraged when those around you don’t see the visions that God revealed to you, but rejoice when God not only gives you a vision, but gives you the wherewithal to actively pursue it. When it started raining, Noah brought his wife and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives into the ark. It rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Those who dance in the rain will take a risk at the expense of looking foolish until what was once a dream becomes a reality.

Although I was surrounded by a village of resilient women and a great step-father, the reality is there was something in my life that was still missing, missing like when you make a pitcher of Kool-Aid without adding sugar and you can taste that something is missing, missing like frying chicken and not seasoning it and as you chew, swallow and digest it you know that in the process of cooking something had to be omitted, missing like trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together, but the puzzle can’t be completed because pieces of the puzzle are missing. A jigsaw puzzle is a tiling puzzle that requires the assembly of often oddly shaped interlocking and tessellating pieces. Each piece usually has a small part of a picture on it; when complete, a jigsaw puzzle produces a complete picture (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jigsaw_puzzle).

Initially, my biological dad was not in the picture. I don’t believe it was because he didn’t love me. In my heart, I feel as if his life was consumed by a lifestyle in the streets, women, and life in the fast lane, fast money, expensive clothes, and cars and hustling. I have often asked myself the question, How can a puzzle or a life with a missing piece ever be complete? God revealed to me it is not individuals that complete us, but when you have God, you are complete in him! I have always known intuitively from childhood that there was something