The Psychedelic Diaries: Confessions of a Professional Dominatrix and a Calling to My People

By Kaitlin Tilotta

The Psychedelic Diaries marries traditional memoir to today's conversations around sex, drugs, and current world events by following 24-year-old Kaitlin Tilotta's adventures as a professional dominatrix on a deliberate five-month experimental psychedelic drug bender. Upon immersing herself in various roleplays and bizarre psychedelic scenarios, she begins to discover an even deeper level of perspective on not only herself, but the true, unspoken nature of our reality as well. The experiences she acquires, along with the friends and clients she meets along the way, provide a range of character traits and perspectives - by design, encouraging readers to keep thinking about the book and the world around them long after it ends.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 27, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662472800

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The Psychedelic Diaries

Confessions of a Professional Dominatrix and a Calling to My People

Kaitlin Tilotta

Copyright © 2022 Kaitlin Tilotta

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2022

This book is not, by any means, here to promote or encourage any sort of illicit activity. This literature is simply a diary of my personal recreational experiences and is not intended to be used as a guide of any sort.

Certain names, dates, and details have also been either changed, obscured, or omitted to protect the privacy and dignity of the naughty and the nice—but mostly the naughty.

This book also contains topics including, but not limited to, swearing, drug use, and graphic sexual details. Please proceed with caution if any of these subjects are of sensitive matter to you. Reader discretion is advised.

ISBN 978-1-6624-7279-4 (pbk)

ISBN 979-8-88654-056-7 (hc)

ISBN 978-1-6624-7280-0 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

PARENTAL ADVISORY

TRIGGER WARNING

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1

TRIPPIN' ON SOME SHELLS

CHAPTER 2

BEHOLD A SEA OF CAUCASIAN CHEESEBURGERS

CHAPTER 3

CULTIVATING YOUR CHEMICAL CONFIDENCE

CHAPTER 4

THE GOLDEN NECTAR ADVENTURES WITH DELILAH

CHAPTER 5

PUT IT IN THE FUCKING BASKET

CHAPTER 6

PUTTY PEOPLE

CHAPTER 7

CULTIVATING YOUR CHEMICAL CREATIVITY

CHAPTER 8

DREAM LOVER, COME RESCUE ME

CHAPTER 9

BATTLE CRY OF THE WEEKDAY CREEPER

CHAPTER 10

UNDERSTANDING POWER DYNAMICS AND BUILDING CHEMICAL RELATIONSHIPS

CHAPTER 11

THE CANDY FLIP PHILOSOPHIES

CHAPTER 12

MR. BLUE

CHAPTER 13

TRAUMASTE

CHAPTER 14

WHEN NATURE STRIKES BACK

CHAPTER 15

THE NEON DEMON

CHAPTER 16

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

CHAPTER 17

THE CURIOUS ADVENTURES OF THE WALMART WALKERS

CHAPTER 18

KEEFS AND CLAWS

CHAPTER 19

HOOD RAT AND TACOS

CHAPTER 20

YOU'RE MY DEBORAH

CHAPTER 21

NEW PERSON, SAME OLD MISTAKES

CHAPTER 22

MOTHER!

CHAPTER 23

YOU CAN JOIN US

CHAPTER 24

CAMPFIRE PEOPLE

CHAPTER 25

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS

CONCLUSION

COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF MUSIC VIDEOS TO WATCH WHILE TRIPPING BALLS

Comprehensive List of Movies and TV Shows to Watch While Tripping Balls

This book is dedicated to those who have gone through life and have felt misunderstood, unseen, or unheard, as well as those who have tried to fit into a world that's in desperate need of changing, but somehow always find themselves on the outside looking in.

Believe me when I tell you, you are not alone, my friend. If you're a weirdo, outcast, or misfit like myself, this is most definitely for you.

Run from what's comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on, I'll be mad.

—Rumi

PARENTAL ADVISORY

Warning: this book is what society would deem as an adult book and is not, by any means, meant to be read, heard, or consumed by children or anybody under the age of eighteen. This book was written for open-minded adults who like to do open-minded adult things, and the content in this literature is not meant to be heard or read by anybody who is not a grown adult.

Whether you have the physical version of this book or the audio version, as the author, I am pleading with you to please keep this far away from children. I am in no way here to corrupt your kids, or anybody for that matter, and quite frankly, I would be absolutely mortified if this book ended up in the hands of a child. They are not my target audience or what I'm aiming for here.

With that being said, I do not want to hear any angry parents coming to me saying that I'm a bad influence on their children, or that I'm corrupting the youth, or that I'm ruining their daughters, or whatever their spiel is. This book, and all my content in general, is meant to be enjoyed by grown, jaded adults who are tired of the bullshit, like myself. And if kids, or just immature, offended people in general get ahold of this, they're just going to fucking ruin it for us all. So for the sake of preserving this literature, keep this book out of the cold, sticky hands of children, as well as adults who have childish mentalities. Parental advisory over.

TRIGGER WARNING

Warning: this book is absolutely not for the faint of heart by any means. If you are somebody who is sensitive or easily offended by alternative lifestyles, differentiating opinions and world views, and a lot of swearing, please don't even waste your time reading or listening to this. Nothing in this book is going to be censored or tailored to fit a politically correct ideology, so if that's something that you came looking for here, I ask you to stop here right now.

If you do wish to continue at your own risk and you hear or read something that doesn't sit right with you, please keep it to yourself and spare me your backlash because, respectfully, I don't want to hear it. Do what you have to do. Keep your mind and emotions in check, but do not, and I repeat, do not come to my inbox with your grievances, because I'm just going to ignore you. Just know that whatever backlash or negative feedback you have will not be taken seriously, so unless you're reaching out to me with love and light, just please keep it to yourself. You made the conscious decision to continue this book regardless of this warning, so if you feel negatively about me or my literature, when it's all said and done, that is your personal problem, because you have been warned.

Like the title says, this book is a calling to my people, and unfortunately, my people are not a bunch of rigid, easily offended, corn-fed conformists who get up in arms if they hear an opinion that's not on TV or being regurgitated by some washed-up-ass, bought-and-sold celebrity or politician. Sorry, not sorry.

Anyways, if you've made it through this trigger warning in its entirety without getting pissy or offended, you must be pretty fucking cool and open-minded, and you are more than likely my people. So thank you so much for bearing with me here while I filter out the chaff. I really wanted to create and contribute something from the heart and soul that's real and honest in this fake-ass, dishonest world, so the fact that you're still here after I just bitched out and dismissed a bunch of closed-minded corn children shows that we're more than likely on the same page here.

With that being said, I hope that as a conscious, freethinking individual, you can take the right lessons and information from this book, because I was honestly on the fence about publishing it, but with the world in the state that it's currently in, I just said, Fuck it! Humanity may not even be here in the coming years, and we're all just living to work toward death anyways, so I honestly don't see why not at this point. I'm sure I'll get hella backlash for this, given how fragile and offended society has become in recent years, but that's a risk I'm willing to take if it means that anything in this book can help bring clarity to somebody, somewhere, in some kind of way.

Anyways, I'm going to wrap this up now, because I think you get the point I'm trying to drive at here. If you're wondering why this book needs such an epic trigger warning, well, my friends, you'll find out as you delve further into both the heaven and abyss of my mind. I really do hope that you enjoy reading this just as much as I thoroughly enjoyed living it and writing it for you all. Please take it easy if you need to, because it's going to be a wild ride. Trigger warning over.

INTRODUCTION

Sigh, 2020 was a wild fucking year for obviously not only myself, but to the world as a collective. Everything from Kobe Bryant's passing to COVID, to the election—regardless of your political ideologies—and to the great conjunction. I think it's safe to say that it was one clusterfuck of a year for us all, and I would just like to start this off by saying I hope you're all staying well and hanging in there.

With that being said, it is currently December 31, 2020, and this hellhole of a year is finally about to end. And although you can't expect life to suddenly go back to normal on January 1, it will be the beginning of a clean slate and a new age in time; or for me, it will be, at least, because I'm about to open up a can of fucking worms.

As I type this, I'm sitting at the granite island of my cityscape penthouse in River Oaks, Houston, Texas, and in front of me sits the tools of perception that will be used as fuel to write the rest of this book. Currently, my artillery consists of the following:

3.5 grams of pure rock form MDMA

20 additional ecstasy tablets (200 mg each)

2 ounces of Golden Teacher magic mushrooms

200 hits of various strains of LSD, ranging from roughly 100 μg–300 μg a hit

3.5 grams of DMT

3.5 grams of various types of THC concentrate, better known as dabs or shatter

A quarter-pound of different strains of top-shelf medical-grade marijuana with multiple medical-grade edibles

I'll most likely end up running out of pot before all of this is over because I toke like a fucking chimney, but a quarter pound is a good start. Plus, keeping a low quantity keeps the supply fresh.

Over the duration of the next few months or so, I will be experimenting with various doses of the substances listed above. I will be taking them individually, as well as mixing them while placing myself in various environments and documenting my reactions, perceptions, revelations, and surroundings. I haven't yet decided how long this psychedelic bender is going to last, but that is for the wind to take me and the signs to show me when.

At this point, I'm sure you're more than likely thinking, Who the hell is this chick? And why is she doing this? So to fill you in a bit, allow me to properly introduce myself.

My name is Kaitlin Tilotta. And as of this moment, I am a twenty-four-year-old bachelorette who also happens to be a full-time professional dominatrix and fetishist. To give you a physical description of myself so you have a better image in mind, I'm 5'8", 110 pounds, slender/athletic build, and I have long jet-black hair and color-changing blue eyes. If you want a more vivid idea of what I look like so you can put a face to me as I narrate this journey, you can check out the cover of this book, or you can easily find me on Instagram, @KaitlinTilotta. I personally like to know who and where the literature I'm consuming is coming from, and I'll do the same research when I discover a new author and book, so I absolutely wouldn't blame you as the reader if you did the same due diligence as well.

And yes, you heard me correctly earlier. Not only am I a young, independent bachelorette, but I'm also a full-time professional dominatrix and certified kinkster. Ropes, whips, ball gags, sadism, masochism, extreme fetishes—if you can name it, I've done it all and then some.

With that being said, I'm exposed to certain scenarios on a day-to-day basis that the average person is not, and I live a rather alternative lifestyle. I'll spare you the details for now, but let's just say that 50 Shades of Grey looks like a child's play compared to my line of work. And although I'm personally not the biggest fan of the book or movie series, I have been told before that I'm like the real-life embodiment of a young female Christian Grey. I personally don't see the resemblance, but hey, if you want to compare me to some deeply disturbed, mysterious rich dude who likes to have his way with hot submissive women, then I'm not going to stop you because I, for one, certainly do enjoy having my way with hot submissive women, so I guess there's that parallel.

Don't get me wrong, 50 Shades is a great fantasy, and I totally understand the allure to it, but at the same time, it is not, by any means, an accurate depiction of what really goes on in the BDSM scene. So to help fill in the gaps for those who aren't quite familiar with what goes down in the underworld, I'm here to bring enlightenment to your curiosity. And as a bonus, I will be under the influence of copious amounts of psychedelics, so that's always fun as well.

Although many people do not have the time nor the desire to go on a psychedelic BDSM bender and write a book about it, my occupation, along with the fact that I have no wife, kids, pets, or virtually any real responsibility besides maintaining business and my interpersonal relationships, luckily allows me to be able to work for myself and set my own schedule. Therefore, I can partake in my festivities pretty much whenever and wherever I please. So being in the unique position that I'm in, I figured I might as well take advantage of the situation while simultaneously calling out to my fellow weirdos. So here I am, bitches.

As far as the BDSM and fetish scene goes, I've been in this game for the better part of a decade. I started extremely young—a little too young I'd say—but that's another story for another time. Over the years, I have built rapport with a diverse rolodex of international clientele both online and in-person, allowing me the blessing of earning six figures a year for dominating and taming some of the world's freakiest individuals, both male and female, as well as catering to their deepest taboo desires in a customized and personalized manner.

Although many have the common misconception that you have to be some old sweaty pervert living in your mom's basement to partake in fetish-related activities; they couldn't be any further from the truth. Despite the rumors and stereotypes you hear about this scene, the majority of my clientele are predominantly educated, white-collar intellectuals consisting of all genders, ethnicities, backgrounds, and sexual orientations. I'm a strong believer that if you have the confidence to contact a professional dominatrix and meet up with them in person, you've got some balls on you, and usually, balls like that come with a more mature and intellectual type of individual—which is exactly how I like them.

Although I am not a full-service escort, and I do not copulate with my clientele, things still get pretty ferocious around here. And if you stick around for long enough, you will more than likely hear about some of these encounters simply because it is my business, and there is always some weird twilight zone shit going on in my life at any given moment, because I am a weirdo. Therefore, I attract other fellow weirdos. So that, coupled with the fact that I will be on copious amounts of psychedelics during this journey, is a recipe for even more weird shit.

Not only am I a professional dominatrix and fetishist in the physical dimension, but I am also a conscious explorer and highly experienced psychonaut in the spiritual realm. For those of you who aren't familiar with the term psychonaut, it's roughly defined as somebody who explores altered states of consciousness, primarily through the use of various portals, i.e., hallucinatory drugs, meditation, or yoga. In this case, my primary method of exploration will obviously be…well, hallucinogens. So needless to say, you're going to get a firsthand, front row psychedelic view of all the action.

So now that I've given you a brief introduction to who I am, I'm sure you're now probably wondering, Why the fuck is she writing this? and to answer your question, there's not exactly just one reason as to why, but many.

First of all, I'm going to keep it real here and start off by saying that I'm currently in the grieving process. My grandmother, who was the only grandparent I've ever had, just passed away unexpectedly due to COVID over the holidays, shortly after being admitted into the hospital on Christmas Eve, and we didn't even get to celebrate one last Christmas with her. It's about to be New Year's, and our presents are still sitting under the Christmas tree, collecting dust, just waiting to be opened when my family gathers the strength to do so. And while I'm not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself, the shit's just sad, man.

Needless to say, everything has been a little fucked-up recently, and things feel incredibly hazy and out of place right now. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm mourning, but I feel like I'm outside of myself, walking around in a bubble. I already have a rather dissociative personality as it is, so I'd be lying if I said this event hasn't made me feel rather disconnected from myself. It's like I'm having a hard time feeling anything, even when I really try to, and when I do, it's just bouts of anger and sadness. One minute, I'll be fine; the next I'll be laughing, then the next thing you know, I'm in tears. While I completely understand that this is all a part of the grieving cycle and you just have to let the body, mind, and spirit process emotions in their own time, I've been fortunate enough to have never experienced the loss of someone close to me before, so this is my first time actually going through the five stages of grief. And all I have to say at this point is, Damn. I understand that time heals all wounds, but grief is a rather complicated feeling.

With that being said, one of the primary reasons I'm writing this book is to attempt to reconnect and retether my mind and spirit back into my body, as well as to test and observe the impacts that psychedelics have on the grieving process. And while this originally was not my reasoning for writing this, and I was planning this project for quite a while, I absolutely cannot stop now, and the show must go on. I'm a firm believer that, as cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason, and this very unfortunate event happening literally days before I started writing my first book must be a sign of sorts.

While I'm very well aware that you cannot drink, smoke, fuck, or drug yourself out of pain, and you have to feel and process it in your own time, psychedelics intensify your mental and emotional state, heightening your senses and allowing you to feel everything within, as well as everything around you more immensely and profoundly than before. So the sooner I can feel the intensity of the emotions I need to feel, the sooner I can get through the grieving process and feel whole again, or that's my hypothesis, at least. Once you feel the pain and all the negative emotions in their entirety, you can then understand the complexity and extent of those feelings, and they can no longer hold you captive. The sooner you feel, the sooner you can move on. So why not feel everything now and get on with life?

Another reason I'm writing this book, which was one of the original reasons, is because, as the title and trigger warning says, it is an attempt for me to call out to my people and other like-minded weirdos during a very uncertain time in the world. If this book can connect me to one other like-minded person, or even just cause a small positive shift in perspective in another individual, I will know that writing this was all worth it. Plus, I've come to the point in my life where seeing the world in the state that it's in is wearing on my soul harder than ever, and I just feel the divine ordinance to connect with other souls who also have the desire to help shift the world in a positive manner for the current and future generations ahead. And although I don't expect this book to be everybody's cup of tea, and I don't expect everybody to agree with all of my bizarre philosophies, I have faith that it will reach the right hearts and minds and cause a positive effect on not only the reader, but the world around them as well.

In case you haven't noticed, we're currently at a pivotal point in time where we, as a collective, can either choose to crash into the metaphorical iceberg and sink, or we turn this bitch around and hopefully avoid another iceberg for another ten to twenty years if we're lucky. Either way, the human race has a very finite amount of time to act accordingly, and the expiration date is a lot closer than you may think. And that is another factor as to why I'm writing this. It's kind of like the Y2K's The world is ending. Party like it's 1999 ordeal, except a lot more serious. Even though I don't remember very much of 1999 because I was a toddler at the time, I'm going to party like it's 2021, which sounds even more fucking epic, if you ask me.

With society being on the cusp of melting down and destroying itself, I'm a strong believer that if you're going to do some crazy experimental shit, like what I'm doing with this book, for example, you better go right on ahead and get it all out of your system now before it's too late.

Now, my friends, before we officially begin this journey, I'm going to warn you all one last time. Please be advised that this book is not for the faint of heart, and it is not going to be your typical fairytale illusion of filtered political correctness and utter bullshit. Therefore, if you're easily offended by cuss words, drugs, or opinions that aren't on Fox News or CNN, please stop and get off the ark right now. Respectfully, I'm writing this to connect with my tribe. And if you're a rigid, easily offended corn child, chances are, you're not a part of my tribe. And that's totally okay.

Also, I really hope that you, as the reader, have a good sense of humor and enjoy comedic relief just as much as I do because, if so, we are most definitely going to be laughing around this bitch. I refuse to publish any sort of literature without at least some kind of comedic effort put into it simply because it's not my nature to not crack a joke as I am arguably one of the biggest trolls on the face of God's green Earth. So there will most definitely be a joke or two…or a hundred in this book. So please feel free to laugh all you want. Laughter is the best medicine and is incredibly healing. And if my bizarre drug-fueled adventures can put a smile on somebody else's face, even just for a moment during such a tough time in the world, I will know that my job here is done.

Please be also advised that this diary of my personal thoughts, interactions, and experiences is not your typical nonfiction story. This book is not going to be in the traditional storybook format that you're accustomed to reading. You're going to notice that the focus will shift from reality, to my thoughts and to other stories and perceptions, and then back into reality. Keep in mind that I'm aware that I'm doing this, and it's not some kind of novice writer's flaw. The reason why I chose to format my book in this manner instead of the traditional superficial storyline is that I wanted to give the reader a much deeper glimpse into my mind rather than just telling you what I see in the cliché storyline format.

The human mind has many different compartments and facets to it than just I did this, and that happened, and I wanted to provide a more in-depth experience rather than just a story. And don't get me wrong, there is a storyline to this book, and you will see that. But you'll also notice that we're going to go down a lot of different avenues as well, and if you read between the lines, you will see that there are many other points that I'm trying to drive at here that are much deeper than just I did drugs, and this went down.

Because everything in this book is coming from the unfiltered and uncharted depths of my mind, certain parts are going to be more raw and treacherous than others. But,

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