A Funny Mystery: Are You Serious?

By June Volgman

A Funny Mystery…Are You Serious?

I wanted to write a mystery that anyone could read. That meant I had to leave out the stuff that gives people nightmares. This left plenty of room for suspense, which will make the reader want to try and figure out what is going on. Answers come in tidbits, so look for them. Peter, the main character, takes his first detective case and finds himself in an unethical situation. This story leads to some humor and ultimately to heartbreak, and some delightful surprises.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 9, 2022
• ISBN: 9781638858898

Book preview

Acknowledgments

A special thank you to Cheryl Shewell. She is very artistic. This is my fourth book, and we teamed our imaginations together each time. She took our thoughts and drew book covers that were unique. In our times of working together, she has become a dear friend. I treasure that friendship.

Prologue

Writing a book is in many ways a lonely process. With fiction, the mind takes many trips, and keeping them all flowing together is a challenge. These trips are not like sharing the highlights of a vacation. They happen spontaneously and end abruptly. Mystery books are all about taking peeks, and where are those peeks going to take you? Drama, uncertainty, tension, comical aspect, yes, but ultimately, to solve and answer the questions about what happened and why? I hope the reader will find this book salted with humor and peppered with suspense. The main character Peter has a desire to be a detective and has an analytical mind. He finds himself analyzing everything. It quite often turns into humor as he analyzes his own thoughts. At one point, he travels to another country to escape life, and it leads to a great adventure.

Chapter 1

Strange Noises

Suddenly! Crash, bang, bam, and loud shouting came from the Stanton house. It alerted the neighbors that once again something was going on that they didn’t understand. The neighbors rotated in calling the police but to no avail. By the time the police arrived, there were no lights on in the house, and everything was quiet. To the police, it was beginning to look like what is referred to as blackballing a neighbor. They weren’t finding any evidence of anything against the law going on. Sometimes neighbors are hated just because that makes gossiping about them okay.

The police also had to do some rocking chair watching and write a report for their captain. Neighbors reported that the old rocking chair on the Stantons’ porch was a rock and roll chair. It would rock with no one on it, and even though it had no wheels, it would oftentimes roll to a new spot on the porch. Some neighbors went as far as reporting the movements kept time with the music they heard. None could agree on a song because the chair obviously had quite the repertoire.

Let’s peek into the Stantons’ house and see what is going on. Nothing! Or does nothing just mean whatever was going on is well hidden. The family consists of Flora, Sam, and their two grown children—Peter, Pete for a little shorter name, and Elizabeth, Liz for a lot shorter name. Flora is a homebody that enjoys the challenging job of taking care of her family. In her quiet way, she appears to be the instigator of some things she quickly denies. Like the little bit of glue on the toilet paper so it would not roll out. None of her family found any humor when toilet paper was needed. Desperately!

The children Pete and Liz were beginning their teen years when the Stantons moved into the house here in Flags Wave. The house was very typical for the area. A two-story with white siding and a large attic full of one of a kind items. Everything was marked with a number, and no one was allowed up there except Flora.

When they first moved in and the neighbors checked them out, they assessed them as nice solid citizens. It didn’t take long, and they were fighting over who was the first to admit they were wrong. Strange things started happening, frequently but sporadically so no one knew or could predict when something odd might happen again. Then the speculations began. As anyone knows, there is no limit to people’s imaginations. At the first meeting of minds, the neighbors thought the parents were having trouble with their children and maybe were scaring them and or abusing them to get them to obey.

The day after one of those loud occurrences, a couple of the curious, but not admittedly nosy women, Sara Frowning and Dorothy Jenkins, went over to nonchalantly investigate. Flora answered the door and invited them in. After looking around and talking about the weather and taxes going up, they left. The neighborhood investigators were surprised at how normal everything looked and was. They found Flora to be friendly, kind, and likeable. She had a great personality.

Sara Frowning had her own questionable past. Nothing had been brought up about it in years so she hoped it was all swept under the carpet. The neighbors that had been around a long time knew better than to bring it up, and she sensed the ones that moved in, in the last few years, had no idea of what she had been accused of. There was too much conflicting evidence to pin anything and make it stick on her.

Sara had been investigated for the possible murdering of her husband. It was brought about by the accusations from many of her neighbors. They heard some similar noises to the ones heard for the last few years coming from the Stanton house. Along with the noises was Sara’s threatening voice. Many times, her yelling at her husband, Charlie, contained words of hate and kill. One reason that got Sara off the hook was many wives yell-threats at their husband. The difference was Sara’s husband was dead.

The conclusion was Charlie was poisoned, and the indication was food poisoning. That meant the food could have spoiled and been eaten without knowing. But was it intentional or accidental? The mystery lived on. She never was completely cleared because they never found anyone else that even acted like they hated Charlie. He didn’t have a large amount of money or something else of great value that someone could gain by killing him. Every clue led to a dead end. There was no substantial evidence to convince the jury that Sara was guilty of intentional murder. She could not be convicted of accidental death, which always remained an option. But it did take months for opinions to be moved to the subconscious and for Sara to once again fit into the neighborhood doings.

When Dorothy moved in, she became a good friend of Sara’s partly because they lived next door to each other and she didn’t like to admit she was afraid of Sara. She’d hoped it never showed to anyone and especially not Sara. Dorothy felt Sara missed her calling and would have made a great sergeant in the army. Her voice carried and rested in the ears of anyone nearby. The consensus was do not disagree with Sara because even if she can’t prove herself right. She will definitely do everything to prove you wrong.

One day Dorothy decided to do some digging and found out about Sara’s husband’s death. There were strong suspicions that he was intentionally poisoned. Dorothy had been warned not to eat Sara’s cooking, but she just assumed it was because Sara didn’t know how to cook. Whenever Sara would share her leftovers with her, she would throw them out as soon as Sara left. It never failed. The next day, Sara would always ask her how she liked the food, and Dorothy always lied and said, Wonderful, very tasty. Then Sara would always ask the strangest question, Are you feeling okay? What could she mean by that? These were words that passed through Dorothy’s mind a number of times until Sara would drop off more food, and another repeat would follow. Did Sara hate her and was trying to kill her like maybe she did her husband?

When Sara asked Dorothy, What do you think? Something strange is going on in the Stanton house, and it is our duty to find out what, Dorothy answered, Absolutely, we need to dig up the truth and expose it.

Sara had no idea the reference to digging up meant her past also, not just the Stantons’ present.

Chapter 2

Two Normal Oddities

Back to the Stanton household, just when life seemed to be nice and peaceful, it would happen again. Not only shouting but screaming, and it sounded like someone was throwing things. A few of the neighbors got together and decided they needed to find out what was going on.

The following day, Jill and Sandi were assigned to walk past the Stantons just as Pete and Liz came out of the house to go to school. They greeted the two teens and looked them over as closely as they could for any bruises or bandages. The children looked fine and even said good morning with smiles on their faces. Then the thoughts focused on maybe the husband is abusing his wife or it could be a rare case of the wife abusing the husband.

After so many events of not just noises but strange things happening and appearing, phone calls were made by neighbors to neighbors. A group of seven showed up at the first official meeting. On the agenda for discussion was an agreement that things unusual and possibly dangerous were frequently going on at the Stantons’ house, and they all wanted to know what it was. Flora always made the rounds of neighbors either the same day something strange happened or the next and invited people over for a cookout or some other doing. Everyone always declined, and then Flora would always ask a few strange questions. In comparing notes on the questions, it was sometimes they all got the same ones and sometimes different. But they were always unusual.

There was a discussion on just going over and asking what all the noise was about, but that would be being nosy. Another suggestion was to go visit with an offer to help if there was anything they needed help with. But that you do with people that just moved in. This family had lived there a while, and this situation has been ongoing and neighbors until recently had decided to mind their own business or move. It was Sara that brought up the idea that there was some kind of foul play inside that house. She insisted something should be done and got others stirred up. Was she trying to get the Stantons arrested? Was it her way of putting her past to rest for good?

The meeting ended with a list of possible actions to be taken if and when this horrible disruption happened again. Sara’s voice hit a hysterical pitch as she spoke, We must call the police and insist they look more closely into the matter to find out if there is foul play going on. Everyone voted that Sara would be the best one to get that point across. Her decline meant she didn’t want to bring up the fact that she had enough dealings with the police when her husband died. She quickly came up with another idea and that was to hire a detective. The latter didn’t have much interest because of the expense.

It was three weeks later, and boom, it happened again. This time, there were even noises that could have been gunshots. The next morning, Jill and Sandi parked across the street watching for any action. Sure enough, Flora came out and got in her car and left. She led her two suspicious followers to her favorite thrift store. The two women kept their distance and watched. At checkout, they witnessed Flora buying lots of dishes, three lamps, a hammer, and a bunch of books.

They couldn’t wait to report their findings to the other neighbors. The consensus was that someone or maybe everyone in the family was hot-tempered and that could be dangerous. Maybe Flora bought all the used stuff so when tempers flared, they could throw around the cheap stuff to keep their home nice. The question was, are they throwing it at each other? The vote was to keep calling the police, and hopefully, they could get an arrest so then maybe the guilty party or parties might get some help. Plus, they all wanted a nice peaceful quiet neighborhood. Many couldn’t remember what that would be like.

That evening, Flora reported to her family that she was followed to the thrift store that day. She inquired if they thought they may want to move again. When the children were underage, Child Protective Services had hounded her and Sam as though they were common criminals. Talking about it, Flora said, I almost felt sorry for them. They kept getting bad reports about us, but could never come up with anything. How frustrating for them. They worked so hard.

Pete said, I don’t want to move. I like going to school close by, and I am more than slightly interested in a girl, or should I say young lady, but have not had the time to show my interest.

His mom had to ask, Do you really not have the time, or are you ashamed of your family?

Mom, whatever would give you an idea like that? This family is upstanding and outstanding. Right, Dad?

Sam grunts, and that is his answer. He doesn’t say yes, and it doesn’t say no. It just keeps him out of trouble.

The Stantons’ normal way of life continued and usually involved neighbors in some strange way. There was the pot of chicken dumpling soup Flora dropped off at her next-door neighbor’s. After she left, the neighbor took the cover off to smell the delicious soup but instead found an empty pot. A few days later, when Flora went to pick up her pot, she inquired of her neighbor Sue as to how she liked the soup. Sue didn’t know how to tell Flora the pot was empty, so she said, Fine, it was very tasty. Flora smiled and left. Doing the same thing to other neighbors had the same result. Flora decided her neighbors were all to chicken to speak up. This would make the report for her job easy.

Sam didn’t know what to make of all of Flora’s oddities. She was no longer the somewhat shy, reserved, and sensible woman he married. It seemed the longer they were married, the worse she was getting. He wouldn’t believe there was anything seriously wrong with her. It all seemed to happen so gradually, he accepted it as normal. Was he just not wanting to face the truth?

Sam’s job for an insurance agency kept him busy. He worked with the people that filed a claim and oftentimes had to go to their house for a meeting. Occasionally a client would inquire about how his wife was. It always seemed to be in a tone that was wanting more information than just fine. But all they got from Sam was She’s fine.

His office is located in the nearby town of Dansville. This is where his boss, Bill, would check on him quite often to decide to keep him or fire him. Sam will ask his boss, How do you spell unemployment. Bill always answers, Fired, with an exit at the end. That begins the periodic words thrown back and forth throughout the day to see who can outhumor the other. Sam has a sense of humor, but in his mind, he qualifies it as being normal. His wife’s, not so sure.

Pete, their son, has always been curious and a digger, so he’s in college majoring in psychology. He felt his criminology course fit right in. When he starts his detective agency, his mind will dig into the minds of others to solve cases. If a crime has been committed, he will dig that up also. He has been investigating the minds of his parents and younger sister since he was little and always comes up with the same conclusion. They are all nuts. Whenever he expressed his findings, he will hear things like, the only thing a nut tree grows is nuts, so what does that make you?

Pete’s sister Liz was taking classes to become a nurse and told her older brother she’d be working with him. If his clients get beat up for knowing too much, she would bandage them up. She would be the quiet one in the family, that was how she described herself. A person’s self-description was generally not how they are seen by others, but in this case, it appeared to fit.

The Stantons were not your ordinary family, and the neighbors would attest to that. Some have even moved away, but when asked why they were moving, they weren’t sure how to give an answer. Their minds might go back to the day they looked out their window, and there on the Stantons’ clothesline were pots and pans hanging to dry instead of clothes. The next day, when finally deciding to tell others about the pots and pans, they saw clothes on the clothesline. Then there was the question that was in one’s own mind: did they really see pots and pans?

The whole neighborhood witnessed Christmas in July at the Stantons’. All the decorations were out including a Styrofoam snowman. The whole family came caroling to each house and dropped off gifts, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. It was fuel for the neighbors to gossip, which ranged from How sweet to They are all crazy. They questioned if all these little harmless things were hiding something evil and dangerous? Someone chimed in, No one hides money in quicksand."

Chapter 3

Now Nothing Is Odd

The Stantons stayed through the years, but many neighbors moved away, and the new ones never knew what was going on, before, or after moving in. Houses kept their value because no one talked. It was always a let them see for themselves that we really have nothing to report.

The strange activities didn’t stop once there were four adults in the house. One time Flora claimed to have been saving money and flashed some in front of her family. Excitedly, she announced, Let’s sneak out of town for a mini vacation. The neighbors will flip, and we will be having fun. Sam wanted to question his wife about the money but felt it would be better to go along with her and maybe she will let her guard down and spill the beans as to where the money came from while they were having fun.

The next day, Mrs. Gates saw nobody on her hourly check of the Stantons, not even a light on in the evening. It was time to call an emergency meeting to which she had nothing to report. That made everyone so scared they felt they should call the police right away. Someone asked the question, What do we tell the police? Nothing has happened so we believe something happened? Who wants to volunteer to make that call? All bodies sat stiff as a board. No one wanted any movement to be interpreted as volunteering.

Once again, someone suggested hiring an investigator. That again had no response. Mrs. Gate, the woman that lived directly across the street from the Stantons, said, I know something terrible is going on. I can feel in my bones. We need to get the police to check. This could be a matter of life and death.

As long as your bones are feeling something terrible, you call the police, and we will watch how fast they respond to a report coming from your bones. They might just advise you to see a doctor to be tested for bone and brain density, someone replied. Silence prevailed for a few moments. The meeting ended with the agreement that if, not if, but when something happened again, they would one right after another all call the police.

A few days later, the Stantons arrived back home, purposely late at night. Something happened that caused an eruption shortly after their return. Bam, bang, thud was what Emily Gates across the street was awakened to. She looked out her window, and she saw a light flashing off and on in an upstairs window across the street. She took that as a call for help and immediately called the police. They were somewhat skeptical of her call when she reported loud noises across the street and believed a light flashing on and off in an upstairs window was a call for help. They told her they would check it out.

Upon driving up to the house, the police saw all the lights out and heard no noises. They decided to go to the door and make sure. After a couple of times ringing the doorbell, Sam, sleepy-eyed and in his pajamas and robe, opened the door. He greeted the policemen and inquired if there was anything wrong. After asking a few questions, the officers left and decided it must have been a prank call.

The next morning, Mrs. Gates called a neighborhood meeting and filled them in on the happenings of the night before and about calling the police. "By the time the police arrived, all the lights were out and it was quiet. I just don’t think we can call the police again