Through the Eye of a Needle: A Faith Journey from Denial and Pretence to Acceptance

By Pieter Scheurwater

Pieter Scheurwater realized at a young age he was different than the other boys in his Dutch community. In the theologically strict Dutch home and church, however, he also knew he could not divulge the ways in which he did not belong. Though he escaped the expectations of his religious upbringing, he unreservedly and unconditionally dedicated his life to God. Traveling to Australasia as a young man, he still felt obligated to keep his true nature hidden. Despite a career with a mission organization, marriage and childrearing, he finally realized while he may have hidden his true self from others, he could no longer maintain the lie. In his memoir, Scheurwater details his journey to the freedom he experiences when the pretense is stripped away. His personal pilgrimage is a testimony of God’s unconditional love and faithfulness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jan 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9781728379661

Pieter Scheurwater

Pieter Scheurwater is a citizen of the world. Born in the Netherlands, he pursued business ventures and a fulfilling career with Mission Aviation Fellowship in Papua New Guinea and Australia. While exploring new geographic territory, his spiritual journey traversed the distance between his natural learnings and his relationship with God. His memoir is not so much about him but about the touch of the Master’s hand.

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© 2023 Pieter Scheurwater. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

This work depicts actual events in the life of the author as truthfully as recollection permits. While all persons within are actual individuals, in places, names and identifying characteristics have been changed to respect their privacy.

Published by AuthorHouse 03/06/2024

ISBN: 978-1-7283-7965-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-7966-1 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

I dedicate this book to my beloved mother,

Elisabeth Scheurwater-Kuiper, and to her father

and role model and my eponym, Pieter Kuiper,

who passed away when she was carrying me.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

ntroduction

Chapter 1:   A Humble Shed

Chapter 2:   Lonely, but Not Alone

Chapter 3:   Sifted as Wheat

Chapter 4:   Damascus Road

Chapter 5:   A Leap of Faith

Chapter 6:   He Will Guide You into All Truth

Chapter 7:   New Horizons

Chapter 8:   When God Says No

Chapter 9:   Treading Among Angels

Chapter 10:  To the Ends of the Earth

Chapter 11:  The Convincing Change

Chapter 12:  Soaring over Uncharted Territory

Chapter 13:  Labourers with God

Chapter 14:  The Land of the Unexpected

Chapter 15:  God’s Faithfulness Endures

Chapter 16:  Man Plans, the Lord Directs

Chapter 17:  Journey to the Land of the Never Never

Chapter 18:  Where the Gulf of Carpentaria and the Arafura Sea Meet

Chapter 19:  The Everlasting Arms

Chapter 20:  Like a Tree Planted by the Waters

Chapter 21:  Carried on Eagle’s Wings

Chapter 22:  The Challenge of Change

Chapter 23:  The Eye of the Needle

Chapter 24:  The Holy City

Chapter 25:  Changing Perceptions

Chapter 26:  Counselling

Chapter 27:  Burden Sharing

Chapter 28:  The Hiding Place

Chapter 29:  Needs Supplied in Abundance

Chapter 30:  The Reunion

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

For many years I wanted to write a record of my life’s journey, but the task seemed too daunting. I dreamed I would one day meet a special person with the necessary skills and interest to undertake this project with me. Although I didn’t meet this person, when I finally began writing, God, with whom I had made my life’s journey, was right there for me.

First and foremost, I want to thank God, my unlimited source, for enabling me to write this book. In his providence, He gave me the opportunity and privilege to meet many people from around the world and share in their lives. Whether our relationship was long or short, or even just moments, they inspired me to write about them and they became part of this story. I want to acknowledge and thank all these people:

My parents and my one and only sibling Dineke de Heer-Scheurwater with whom I grew up,

The three most important people in my life, my three Js—Jennifer, my caring wife and best friend for almost twenty-five years and my sons Jireh and Jeremy, of whom I’m so proud,

My second cousin, Anita Kooijman and her late husband Andre Snijders for taking care of me when I first arrived in New Zealand and supporting me during my business venture there,

The Auld family in New Zealand who adopted me into their family and instructed me further in the ways of the Lord,

My good friend Kees Doornhein, who indirectly and unbeknown to him, encouraged me to finally commence writing this memoir,

Pastor Jacob Korf, who unaware I was writing my memoir, provided the key to an important statement at a critical time in the writing process,

My cousin Rina van Es, just four months my senior, the first person to read my unedited manuscript provided valuable feedback.

In particular, I wish to thank and acknowledge one important person God arranged to come alongside me in this endeavor—my editor, Judy Hagey. With my limited writing experience, I am grateful for her patience, respect and precise understanding of what I was trying to communicate. Her gentle but firm approach, direct comments and corrections, which I didn’t always appreciate, were valuable. Due to her skillful input, my manuscript has turned into the book I had envisaged.

My initial interactions with my publisher, AuthorHouse UK Publishing, are positive. Their emails and phone calls have made me feel part of the publishing team, which, in turn, gives me confidence. I look forward to a good and positive working relationship.

Gaither Music, the Bill and Gloria Gaither Homecoming video recordings, the many current Christian musicians, and those who have passed on to glory, deserve special recognition. Always, but especially during those times no one stood with me, and I had no church home, as well as during the writing process, they have been an awesome source of blessing, joy, encouragement and inspiration. They have become so much part of my life I consider them my adopted Christian family.

INTRODUCTION

As I shared my life story and Christian testimony with people over the years, some suggested I write a memoir. Yet one aspect of my story remained untold because that facet was a secret known only to God—a secret I intended to take with me to the grave. No one would ever know.

These suggestions, however, never really left me, and although I had little idea and know-how to transcribe this into reality, with God’s help I began writing during the first lockdown of the Covid-19 virus season. Because it is not just mine, but our story—my journey with God, I felt compelled to reveal my secret and thus it became part of, but not the subject of this book.

I was born and reared in Netherlands. My family were devoted members of a typical Dutch ultra- or hyper-Calvinist church in which the teaching of predestination stood paramount. In this theology, only the ‘elect few’ obtained salvation because they were predestined for heaven. The rest were sadly predestined for hell. At least, in its simplest form, that is how I understood my church’s teaching as I was growing up.

After a Damascus Road experience in my late teens, I unreservedly dedicated my life to God, regardless of what I was ‘predestined’ for. My commitment to Him was unconditional, just as God’s love and commitment to me is unconditional.

Shortly after this important and life-changing event I left Netherlands. My next forty years were a remarkable journey of faith, learning and revelation, as I travelled to the other side of the world with Him as Lord of my life.

I first travelled to New Zealand, where I lived and worked for seven years. There, God took me on an amazing Emmaus walk to expound the truth of His Word more fully in a new and living way. In the following years, I lived and worked in several Asia-Pacific regions, including seventeen years with Mission Aviation Fellowship (MAF) in Papua New Guinea and Arnhemland, Northern Australia.

From an early age I realised I was gay. I did my utmost to suppress my feelings and disregard my true orientation. As student of Scripture, I could find no support for acting on my same-sex attraction (SSA) in the entire written Word. In my early thirties, I decided to get married, firmly believing that despite our secret, God would enable me to honour this marriage. My wife and I were blessed with two sons.

When we left the mission field and settled into a suburban lifestyle in Australia, a setting I knew would be challenging for me, I confronted my true orientation. Believing I had moved beyond my same-sex attraction, I struggled with the fact that I was pretending and acting as someone I wasn’t. Personality and character are closely interwoven within one’s true orientation, and I could no longer pretend. I needed to be myself—the person God created me to be—imperfect in myself but made perfect in Christ.

This later-in-life confrontation, together with other matters took me to London on an extended vacation. In search of a solution, I sought professional counselling. Despite intense reflection and introspection and waiting to hear from God, the only counsel I received was God wanted me to be released from the cage in which I was trapped. How to achieve this, however, remained a challenging and complicated issue.

In spite of the heartache and separation that followed, our family remained connected in Christ because we are bound together with cords that are ‘not quickly broken’ (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

At the completion of our journey, I realised God had sustained and preserved me through it all. I can identify with the words written in Deuteronomy 8:4, ‘Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell (blister) these forty years’.

The purpose of this book is not to promote a particular denomination, teaching, or doctrine. I am not a gay activist, nor do I support gay activism. But my purpose is to testify about God’s amazing love, faithfulness and provision. His promise that if we truly ‘Seek, we shall find’ stands unshakeable. I simply endeavour to share our journey as it happened in God’s timing, by His grace, and in the light of His Word. In the process, I just did the best I could and knew at the time because that is all God requires of us.

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A HUMBLE SHED

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T he sun shimmered on the narrow waterways and canals. Despite the cold, the day was perfect for skating—my paradise on earth. Saturday. The only day of the week I was free to spend the whole day on the ice. School occupied every weekday and tomorrow—the Sabbath—I’d only be able to look on while others cut figure eights or raced their friends on the seven-inch ice. Next week’s forecast called for warming temperatures and the ice would either become unsafe or disappear altogether.

The clock tower chimed. I remembered hearing three bells—was it already a half hour ago? I clenched my jaw and headed for the narrow creek that led to my home. In thirty minutes I needed to be at church for the grade three boy’s catechism class. I’d lost track of time on the ice and knew I’d not spent enough time memorizing the section of the Heidelberg Catechism I needed to recite in class. Fear of standing before Reverent Ds.van de Breevaart searching for the words terrorized me. The ice forgotten for now, I sped home. I now had far more pressing matters on my mind.

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I was born in 1953, in a small town between the cities of Rotterdam and Dordrecht. Old timers recall the year for the dreadful floods. The North Sea Flood claimed the lives of 2,551 people just two months before I came into the world. The storm surge also struck northwest Belgium, England and Scotland. My pregnant mother was evacuated to higher ground and spent that awful night with a distant relative until the danger had subsided.

Hendrik-Ido-Ambacht had two major industries—commercial market gardens and the ship disposal dockyards, situated alongside the Noord River. Large ships from all over the world came here to be demolished after they had been retired. Now, however, most market gardens are turned into housing estates, and due to the high labour costs and strict pollution prevention laws, the ship demolition industry has moved to Pakistan, India and other Asian countries.

My father, in partnership with one of his older brothers, owned and operated one of the commercial market gardens. During the summer months he worked long, hard hours leaving little time to spend with my older sister and me. My mother, however, dedicated much of her time to me and Dineke. Whether because of the time we spent together or our inherent characters, I have always been much closer to my mother than my father. I am often amazed how much I am like my mother in character, and I can clearly see myself in so many aspects of her life. Even as a young boy I sensed that although she had accepted her position and lifestyle in my father’s hometown, she suppressed her adventurous spirit.

My parents raised my sister and me in the same Christian teaching they’d been taught. Although as a young adult I launched out on a much different spiritual journey than my parents, my mother’s underlying devotion, love and commitment to our Lord served as a model for me and shaped my life. Yet our lives turned out very different.

Both my grandparents and my parents were devoted members of the Old-Reformed Congregation in Netherlands. The dominant characteristic of this rigid fundamentalistic denomination is their teaching about and often intolerance of other views of predestination. Variations of ultra-Calvinism are primarily found in Netherlands and to a lesser extent in Scotland, South Africa and America, where Dutch migrants established similar churches.

My paternal grandfather was born into this denomination. But his father, my great-grandfather, although he had grown up attending the Dutch Reformed Church, which was allied with the Dutch government, had converted, and become a founding member of the Old Reformed Congregation in my hometown. In the early years, the congregants owned no church building. They held their Sunday worship in a shed, which my great-grandfather had built and paid for with his own hard-earned cash.

Soon, the people attending this fellowship were referred to as the People Belonging to the Shed, a stigma that continued long after a proper church building had been erected. Members mostly dressed in black, and the women of the fellowship wore black stockings, prompting another common moniker for the group—the Black Stocking Church.

My maternal grandfather, who I was named after, came from a different town and district. Although he’d also grown up attending a regular Dutch Reformed Church, he was the only person in his large family who had converted to the ultra-Calvinist theology.

As I reflect on this from the advantage of age and maturity, I believe both these men had a genuine desire to follow the Lord in a deeper and more meaningful way. In their quest, however, they found the rigid teaching, worship style and commitment this form of Christianity demanded aligned with their thinking. They likely found it to be the only suitable alternative available in their respective worlds.

In this stable, sheltered, but strict environment, I grew up with my elder sister. Most of our relatives, the cousins and friends we played with as well as many other people in our community attended the same church. The primary school we attended was also founded by this denomination and strictly adhered to its teaching, doctrine and demands in behaviour. Together, church and school shaped our way of living, our worldview.

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Given its views on who and how believers were saved, I spent much of my childhood in fear. Many adults shared my fear. They were simply afraid to live their lives because they thought attaining and maintaining the level of righteous living the church required of them was humanly (without God’s grace) impossible.

The Ten Commandments were read at every church service, reminding the congregation about the high standards God require.

‘God is a consuming fire’ people are often reminded. I remember as a young child sitting on my mother’s knee and her telling me Jesus could come back at any moment and take us all to hell where we’d burn forever. We were, figuratively speaking, brought up ‘above the flames of hellfire’.

The theology of Calvinism had been immortalized in the acronym TULIP, which stayed the five essential doctrines of total depravity, unconditional election, limited atonement, irresistible grace and perseverance of the saints.

Basically, the unbalanced and out-of-context teaching of Hyper-Calvinism is based on few Scripture passages, such as ‘For many are called, but few are chosen’ (Matthew 22:14 KJV). This passage forms their understanding of predestination. While many may hear and heed the call to salvation, only few people—the elect—obtain salvation, are granted eternal life and go to heaven. Only ‘the elect’ are given and are enabled to really hear God’s call that leads to repentance and salvation. Therefore, most people, regardless of who they are or what they have done or not done, for that matter, are not chosen and thus are predestined for hell. Nothing can change that, according to adherents. They simply say, ‘this is God’s sovereign will’.

This teaching is in direct contrast to many other Scriptures. For instance, 2 Peter 3:9 assures us, ‘The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead, he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance’.

Here, God, in His love-driven patience is willing to give more time for more people to come to repentance. This is God’s plan to allow more people opportunity to place their trust in Christ in order to enter an eternal relationship with Him.

Surely, the message here is God does not want anyone to perish! Therefore, it must be so that salvation is available to everyone who really wants it. In other words, people have a free will to either accept or reject salvation (repent or refuse to repent), offered by God through faith in Jesus Christ.

John 3:16 says, ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life’.

This Scripture clearly uses the words ‘whoever believes’ meaning, anyone has a choice by his own free will to believe or not to believe.

Second Timothy argues for ‘rightly dividing the word of truth’ (2:15). We are not to take a few Scriptures out of context and build a doctrine or teaching around them. Such behaviour often carries an element of pride, when people find support for their own convenient viewpoint, or their own private interpretation of the Bible. Unfortunately, this practice has been going on ever since the beginning of the New Testament Church.

In this confined and difficult spiritual environment, I grew from a child into a young adult. However, when I was nineteen, I experienced a miraculous life changing event.

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LONELY, BUT NOT ALONE

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I f my alarm clock hadn’t wakened me, the howling storm would have. Rain lashed our house and the wind raged, shaking my attic bedroom. Our house was built against the dike embankment. Like many dikes in Netherlands,