Unconditional: A Guide to Loving and Supporting Your LGBTQ Child

By Telaina Eriksen and Eric Rosswood

Providing Support if Your Child is Transgender or LGBTQ+

Winner of the Sixth Annual Bisexual Book Award for Non-fiction, 2017

#1 Bestseller in Lesbian Studies

Unconditional is a parenting guide book that provides parents of an LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning) child with a framework for helping their LGBT child navigate a world that isn’t always welcoming.

Tips from a mother with experience. In Unconditional, author Telaina Eriksen, a professor at Michigan State University, explains what she and her husband have learned through the experience of parenting a gay child. She covers topics like how to handle kids coming out, being an advocate for LGBTQ+ children, how to help your child deal with stress unique to LGBTQ+ kids, and finding a LGBTQ+ family. This book is a must read for anyone who thinks their child is transgender or otherwise LGBTQ+.

A guide for supporting your LGBT child. What if my child is transgender? Eriksen covers the science of gender, understanding gender dysphoria, and how to help a transgender child through the stages of development. What if I have more general LGBTQ+ family needs? Throughout the book, both parents and kids share their stories, and Eriksen directs parents to various resources online for help. This LGBT family book teaches the principles of unconditional parenting, love, and learning.

Inside, learn:

• How to advocate for policies that protect your child
• Ways to educate well-meaning, but misguided friends or family
• Strategies keep your kid talking if your child is transgender or LGBTQ+
• Signs of unhealthy relationships
• When to consider therapy for your child or your family
• How to find an LGBTQ+ community (including inclusive churches)

If you liked LGBT books, best sellers like The Gender Identity Guide for Parents, The Savvy Ally, or The End of Gender, you’ll love Unconditional.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Apr 26, 2022
• ISBN: 9781642509465

Book preview

Cover.jpg

Praise for Unconditional

"I’ve always said that if Telaina Eriksen wrote a parenting book, I would happily buy it. In Unconditional, Eriksen provides a pragmatic, empathetic guide for parents raising a child who identifies as LGBTQ. From coming-out narratives to safe sex to navigating the public sphere, the book covers significant ground. Backed by research and accompanied by personal narratives, Unconditional offers a big-hearted, much-needed approach."

—Robin Silbergleid, author of The Baby Book and Texas Girl

I was fortunate enough to get to meet the author of this book when she was on a panel for Pride Week. I was wowed by her knowledge, compassion, and heart. When I was reading this book, I just kept thinking, ‘We all need to hear this, no matter how our children identify. Because as parents, we can make such a difference in the lives of ALL the young people we interact with.’ So many children don’t have a trusted adult in their lives. This book inspires me to want to be that trusted adult for anyone who needs it.

—Sherry Richert Belul, author of Say It Now and Simply Celebrate

Unconditional

A Guide to Loving and Supporting

Your LGBTQ Child

Telaina Eriksen

Coral Gables

Copyright © 2017, 2022 by Telaina Eriksen.

Published by Mango Publishing, a division of Mango Publishing Group, Inc.

Cover Design: Elina Diaz

Cover Illustration: Vector Archive/Adobe Stock

Layout & Design: Katia Mena

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Unconditional: A Guide to Loving and Supporting Your LGBTQ Child

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication number: 2022935562

ISBN: (print) 978-1-64250-945-8, (ebook) 978-1-64250-946-5

BISAC category code SOC017000, SOCIAL SCIENCE / LGBTQ+ Studies / Lesbian Studies

Printed in the United States of America

For my sister Tara and my daughter Casandra

Table of Contents

Author’s Note

Foreword

Preface

Chapter 1

Coming Out

Chapter 2

Understanding the History and Science of

Gender and Sexuality

Chapter 3

Surviving and Thriving in the Preteen and Teen Years

Chapter 4

Bullying

Chapter 5

It Takes a Queer Village—Building a Support System

Chapter 6

Parenting Your Non-Binary or Transgender Child

Chapter 7

Being an Advocate

Chapter 8

Siblings and Other Family Members

Chapter 9

Only Part of Who They Are

Chapter 10

Out on Their Own (Mostly)

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Resources

Endnotes

Author’s Note

I began writing Unconditional in 2016, and a lot has happened since then. The pandemic has taken a toll on everyone’s mental health and psychological well-being as we have been isolated, gotten sick, lost jobs, attended work or school online, or mourned someone we knew dying of Covid. For some of our LGBTQ+ children, who are at a higher risk for anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions, it has been a challenging time, to say the least.

In addition to the difficulties of the pandemic, there has been a concerted effort by many state legislatures to erode the protections and rights of LGBTQ+ citizens. The Don’t Say Gay Bill in Florida, which was signed into law by Governor DeSantis on March 28, 2022, not only prevents instruction about gender and sexuality in classrooms, but also, because of the way the bill is worded, may also prevent any classroom discussion about these topics and may also prohibit classroom books and materials with LGBTQIA characters or references to LGBTQ+ issues. In Texas, South Dakota, Arizona, and many other states, there are coordinated attacks on trans and nonbinary students and/or athletes, and even attacks on gender-affirming healthcare. Even if your child lives in a state where these types of laws are not being proposed and/or passed, the dialogue and prejudice surrounding these hateful and discriminatory legislative efforts are bad for our children to even hear about and can make our children think something is wrong with them. If your child is also BIPOC, there are even more stresses surrounding their school and community experiences in addition to their LGBTQ+ identity.

There has been good news, too. Better LGBTQ+ representation in sports and media. Trans authors making publishing inroads with thought-provoking books. Nonbinary social media influencers and poets speaking out with love and compassion against stereotypes and discrimination. Model curriculums in different states that include LGBTQ+ studies. Historic numbers of LGBTQ+ candidates being elected to public office in the 2020 election. Nonprofits like GSLEN, Lambda Legal, The National Center for Transgender Equality and many other great organizations, fighting on many fronts to help block harmful school and community rules, laws, and policies.

This is the world we live in and will probably continue to live in for many years to come—a world where there is a constant tug between justice and injustice, between curiosity and ignorance, and between love and hate.

With all of this surrounding them, our children’s schools and communities can be unsafe spaces for them, and having love, safety, and support at home becomes even more crucial. Some of the things I suggest in the following pages require resources—your time, emotional labor, and even sometimes money. I understand as a fellow parent that you may not always have all of these resources at the same time. I certainly didn’t. But you can always love your child, and talk with them, and listen to them, no matter what else is going on your life. You can tell your child that, no matter what is going on, you will be there for them and support them through whatever they are going through. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect human being, and the good news is, we don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be there, respectfully, willing to listen, willing to learn, willing to love, when they need us the most.

Foreword

When I was in high school, I was harassed a lot. One time, someone painted one of the band room ceiling tiles purple and wrote F*G TILE on it. Then they wrote my name on it and went on to list all of my friends. Everyone was talking about that tile. Everyone was talking about me.

Another time, I arrived at school and saw someone had spray-painted my name across the building: Eric s***s d***s. I also remember students throwing hard, Jolly-Rancher-type candies at me and my friends. They would suck on them first, though, so the candies would stick in our hair. It was gross. Kids can be so cruel.

The teasing from other kids is the reason I dreaded having to take gym. I worried about the locker rooms, especially the showers. What would the other kids say to me? What would they do to me? Would they beat me up? The moment I found out that our school allowed students to take college courses for high school credit, I rushed over and signed up for an evening physical education class. It seemed like the perfect plan. I could go home after school, get changed, and then head straight over. No locker room; no showers; problem solved…or so I thought.

Attendance was a big part of our grade. I had perfect attendance and was getting an A in class. Then, three days before the semester was over, my teacher found out I was gay. She started yelling at me in front of everyone. I froze. People were staring at me as she backed me into a corner, screaming, her face only about an inch away from mine. I can still remember the force of her hot breath on my skin. She called me names like fruitcake and shouted at me to get out. Leave. She never wanted to see me again.

I remember crying on the phone, Mom, please pick me up. She kept asking if I was okay, but I couldn’t say anything. I was in shock. Just please come get me. I cried the whole way home.

Later that evening, I finally got the courage to tell my mom what had happened. I was hurt by what the teacher had done, but I was also upset that I had put in all that hard work, only to get kicked out of class three days before it ended. Did that mean I failed? Would it prevent me from graduating high school? Would I be held back and have to deal with another year of taunting? Not to mention that I had never told my parents I was gay. This was my coming-out moment, and the fear of that on top of everything else was so overwhelming.

I love you no matter what, my mom said. And suddenly things were a bit better—not completely, but slightly more than they’d been before.

My mom marched me over to the dean’s office to have a chat. He defended the teacher and said her record was clean. No one had ever complained about her before. My mom threatened to sue, and I could see him start to get uneasy in his chair.

How about this? he said. Why don’t we let you keep your A, and you don’t have to return for the remaining classes? We can sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened.

We agreed. Looking back on that moment, I wish we would have done more, but it was the late 90s. Things weren’t as progressive as they are now, and I was a teenager who didn’t know better. That moment of being verbally harassed by my teacher still haunts me, and it randomly pops back up in my memories every couple of years. But then so does the memory of my mom standing up for me: Telling me that she loved me, and that her love was unconditional.

Things changed for me then. I was more confident, and I learned to stand up for myself. I started a Gay Straight Alliance at my school and participated in fundraising activities like the AIDS Walk. I graduated high school and became the first in my family to go to college and get a degree. Fast-forward a few years: I became a Chapter Leader for Marriage Equality USA, leading rallies and marches in the fight for marriage equality. I grew up into an adult who was able to stand up for myself and for others—all because I had a parent who stood up for me. A parent who supported me. A parent who loved me. And you can be that parent to your child, too. I know that’s what you want, because you’re reading this book.

Unconditional is filled with tips and advice on how to support your child through various scenarios, from helping them find a supportive community to becoming their greatest advocate. It also includes an abundance of personal stories from parents and children who had challenges of their own. It’s a wonderful resource that will help you support and guide your child to become the best human being they can possibly be.

I’m now married to an amazing husband, and we have two wonderful children together. I often find myself in awe, smiling at our kids, and wondering what amazing people they will grow into. What will their professions be? Will they choose to get married? Will they have children? But in the end, I know none of this matters as long as they are happy and healthy, because I will love them unconditionally. Just like my parents did for me. Just like you will do with your children.

Eric Rosswood

Author of Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood

and The Ultimate Guide for Gay Dads

www.EricRosswood.com

Preface

If you’re wanting honest-to-goodness practical advice from a parent who had to figure out how to raise and support a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning (LGBTQ) child, then you’ve found it here. This book discusses all the stages of parenting an LGBTQ child from toddlerhood to adulthood, including how to understand sexual orientation versus gender identity from what to do before their coming out to dating and marriage, all directly from the experience and perspective of a real-life parent.

For me to fully endorse this book, I first need to explain a little about myself. I’ve been a licensed clinical psychologist since 2008 and have worked primarily in university counseling centers and community mental health clinics in Southern California. I’ve provided individual, couples, family, and group therapy while specializing in youth, women’s issues, people of color issues, and LGBTQ issues. And much of my passion comes from my own personal experience as an LGBTQ community advocate. I came out as bisexual in 1999, and went on to co-found three bisexual organizations in Los Angeles (Fluid UCLA, amBi—LA’s bisexual social community, and the Los Angeles Bisexual Task Force), publish multiple works, attend the landmark 2013 Bisexual Community Roundtable at the White House, serve as a board member for numerous LGBTQ organizations, and teach LGBTQ-affirmative psychotherapy classes at Antioch University Los Angeles (or AULA). So you could say that being an LGBTQ advocate is my second career.

In my almost two decades as a clinician and community leader, I’ve gotten acquainted with hundreds of clients and community members who are LGBTQ and coming out to themselves and their families. I’ve heard a wide range of personal stories, from the very hopeful to the very tragic. I’ve seen thirteen-year-olds end up homeless and addicted to drugs because parents kicked them out for being LGBTQ. I’ve seen young transgender women of color become sex workers on the streets just to survive. And I’ve mourned the suicides of both young bisexual adults and elders in my community. On the flip side, I’ve also worked with bright transgender college students who transitioned during college, kept their friends, and graduated with good grades. I’ve seen LGBTQ people go on to become successful doctors, lawyers, teachers, artists, and therapists. I’ve attended beautiful same-sex weddings of friends who had parents proudly walking them down the aisle.

What makes the difference between these sad and happy stories? It starts with the parenting; parenting based on unconditional love, which means unconditionally loving your child no matter what. It means continuing to love them, no matter if your child cuts off their hair or takes on a different religion than you. You don’t necessarily have to throw them a party for it, but you still need to care for them and support them just as you would your other children. I’ve seen a lot of people save their unconditional love for romantic partners but parent their children based on conditional love. They’ve got it backwards. Romantic partners should earn your love and commitment based on agreed upon conditions. Your children, on the other hand, need you to stand by them no matter what. Food, shelter, safety, affection, and a feeling of belonging should never be conditional. And that’s the difference between a tragedy and a success story.

And Telaina Eriksen has got it right. I connected to Telaina through a mutual friend, Seth Fischer, MFA, a freelance writer and fellow bisexual advocate. Seth and Telaina were grad school buddies at AULA, and Seth fully vouched for her, calling her the bee’s knees. AULA connects the three of us, and since social justice is a core part of AULA’s mission, I know that anyone who chooses to go there would be passionate about social issues. Telaina also coincidentally has a tremendous amount of lived experience, with three close family members who are LGBTQ. And Telaina’s instincts are on-point and her parenting tips are what I would recommend as a clinician, since they’re based on warmth, communication, and unconditional love. Somehow she has figured it out as a mom, sister, aunt, and friend. She is also savvy on social media, which is highly timely today for millennials. And her non-sugar-coated wisdom makes her work accessible and relatable. Perhaps it’s easier to take advice from another parent who had to figure it out from scratch. Then Telaina’s your person.

How should you use this book? Use it to educate yourself on basic terms, to understand what your child might be going through, to gain awareness of your own emotions and your blind spots, and to learn tools for handling adversity. The book starts out with the fundamentals of coming out and of mourning your own loss, which is where you might be right now. Chapter 2 discusses LGBTQ history and very hot topics like science and religion. Read about preteens, teens, and bullying in Chapters 3 and 4. Chapter 5 is all about how you, the parent, can get help for yourself. She also includes information on bisexual and transgender identities, which often get left