Even When... She Rose

By Marie Crews

Growing up with an absent father and an exhausted, single mother who was trying to work and raise four children, Rose was left to essentially raise herself. She unknowingly repeated her mom's pattern by marrying young and becoming a divorced, uneducated mother of two. 

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Write Your Way Publishing
• Release date: Sep 16, 2022
• ISBN: 9781959009047

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Even When She Rose © 2022, Marie Crews. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, reproduction or utilization of this work in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying, and recording, and in any information storage and retrieval system, is forbidden without written permission of the publisher.

Even When She Rose by Marie Crews

Library of Congress Number: 9781959009061

ISBN: 978-1-959009-06-1 (Hardcover)

ISBN: 978-1-959009-05-4 (Paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-959009-04-7 (Ebook)

Published by Write Your Way Publishing

New Orleans, LA

Dedication

To my husband John, your unwavering faith and belief in me is a gift I gratefully receive daily. You have been my hero and a beacon of hope by shining your calm, steady light even in the midst of devastating tragedy.

Too many times, my past has haunted our relationship, and yet you love me through my worst hours and encourage me in my best.

This novel is only complete because you didn’t allow me to give up on it or myself in the process of its creation; thank you.

I am a better person, by far, for being on this crazy ride through this life with you.

I am forever grateful. I love you, more!

To my children Megan and Quinten, y’all are the very reason this story exists, the very reason I was able to get back up, just one more time.

I’m deeply grateful y’all chose me to be your mom and for the immeasurable joy you’ve brought to my life. Every time I might have surrendered to the pain of my own brokenness, my love for the two of you was the fuel that kept me going. In different but genuinely profound ways, you each awakened in me a desire to be the best version of myself.

I’m not sure what I did to deserve the gift of being able to witness your transformation into incredibly beautiful, empathetic lovers of humanity. But, my gratitude knows no bounds.

Even now. Especially now.

Since your arrival on this Earth, my heart has belonged to the two of you; I suspect even before then. I am certain, I will love you both for eternity.

Table of Contents

Note from the author

Prologue

Chapter 1

Seven years later

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Epilogue

Four years later

About the Author

Note from the author

Dear friends,

Thank you for being a part of my life’s journey by reading this novel.

I was first inspired to write a story about my life when I was fourteen. What I didn’t know then, was how my life would unfold or that it would be thirty-five years before I would be called to share my truth with the world.

Although my novel is heavily inspired by my experiences, it is a work of fiction. All names and locations have been changed, except for my two puppy dogs. However, to the best of my ability, I have preserved the spirit and authenticity of the characters who represent real people.

If this novel brings hope to even one person who is in a difficult season of their life, the pain and process of writing it will have been worth it. It would be even better if it gives someone the courage to keep going and realize they really can overcome anything!

But mostly, I hope that it grants you the ability to expand your level of compassion for yourself or someone you know and love. I would truly enjoy hearing how this novel touches you.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. — Maya Angelou

P

rologue

Rose seethed silently while she and her coworkers sat through another of their boss’s anger-spewing lectures. According to his assessments, in some way or another, they were all failing to meet his expectations. With an ease born of practice, she directed her eye roll toward her phone and noticed he was keeping them late — again. Well aware of how her face and mouth could betray her, she swallowed hard and successfully kept her repulsion at bay. Getting fired was the last thing she could afford.

Once they were dismissed, Rose hastened her escape as she felt the familiar sting of angry tears well in her eyes. Relieved and feeling proud of her internal victory, she threw open the door only to be assaulted by the blinding, mid-summer sun. Like an old, dry-rotted rubber band, she felt her last ounce of self-control snap.

Dammit! she yelled as she squinted her eyes and jerked her face away from the offending rays. As soon as she glanced down, a moan rumbled in her throat. Her sunglasses were buried somewhere in one of the bags she lugged to and from work every day. Ugh, you’re so stupid, she mumbled. Her single stomp of frustration resembled more of a petulant child than that of a responsible, thirty-year-old mother of two.

Too proud to allow him to witness her digging out her sunglasses, Rose took off toward her car. As she watched the heat dance off of the asphalt, she blinked furiously, refusing to succumb to the weakness of crying.

Stop it. Just stop. It’s stupid to cry over that asshole. She shook her head and rolled her eyes at her ridiculousness.

By the time she reached her car, she traded in self-loathing for boss-bashing. Get it together, he’s a jerk, you know that. Can’t believe I have to work for that asshole. Ugh, hate that I need this damn job. I gotta find something else, how is this even my damn life? she thought.

She dumped her stuff into the back seat, slammed the door, and hurried to get in. With a huge exhale, she folded herself into the seat’s well-worn fabric. The frigid temperature in their office only added to her growing list of reasons why she needed to find a better job. Like a faithful servant performing his daily tasks, the sun had once again morphed her car into a makeshift sauna. And just like the end of most days, she basked in the solace of warmth and silence.

It had taken every ounce of self-control she had not to walk out the week before. When she found her boss eating from her can of almonds, she reacted without thinking.

What are you doing? Those are mine, she demanded.

"Well, if they’re in my office they’re fair game," he stated with a shrug.

The anger she felt didn’t stem from selfishness; normally she would have loved to share. The very real issue was that it was some of the food she had bought with emergency food stamps — the only assistance she was able to get from the government. She literally could not afford to share.

Most days, she gave a valiant effort to be grateful for even having a job. But on days like those, when he was exceptionally obnoxious, the only gratitude she could muster was for the blanket of warmth she found in her car before she headed home.

Over the last few months, she had allowed the moments in her car to coax her into believing she could manage the second part of her day. As each day bled into the next, she felt the energy being leached from her weary soul. Finishing up at the office only meant she would trade the demands of her boss and coworkers for those required of a single mom. Like an empty tank of gas, by the last hours of each night, it felt like she was running on fumes. All she could do was pray that she would make it to bedtime without any major meltdowns, especially from her son, Aiden.

Even though her kids, Liv (short for Olivia) and Aiden, were her whole world, the day-to-day still demanded what felt like superhuman ability. A few months prior, after a relentless and arduous battle with drugs, her husband, Scott, had been arrested and was still in jail. In a rush to keep the three of them afloat financially, she took the first job she could find. Their bills were already over three months behind, so she couldn’t afford to be picky. The work wasn’t bad, she actually enjoyed it most of the time. The whole problem was being saddled with a tyrannical jerk of a boss. Although she had been looking for a better option, she had no choice but to stick it out until something else came along.

Just before their life had unraveled, she was enrolled in college in yet another attempt to complete her undergraduate degree. She and Scott had been battling his severe mental illness and addictions for eight long, exhausting years. Since they had been down the road to relapse many times before, she saw the signs and sensed the impending doom. The year prior, she had started back to school to finish her teaching degree so she would have a way to support the kids. Every day, in the shadows of her awareness, she was haunted by the real fear that at any moment she may need to go at it alone.

Throughout most of their marriage, Scott had been the breadwinner, while Rose was a stay-at-home mom who had shouldered the brunt of raising Liv and Aiden. Although his absence hadn’t affected their day-to-day care very much, working full-time, had increased her responsibilities monumentally.

Lack of sleep and mounting anxiety left her in a perpetual state of exhaustion. Rose lived in a constant tug of war between her compassion for Scott and her frustrations at his selfish behavior. She often relied on one of her favorite quotes, "But for the grace of God, there go I" to put things into perspective. She truly believed if she had been abused and traumatized the way he had been throughout his childhood, that she might very well be addicted to drugs too. But even that failed to do the job some days. Time and again, anger at the mess he’d left them in would win.

Thinking about what had led her to this point was not what she planned for her precious moments of silence in her car. She shook her head, wishing she hadn’t squandered her time. Happy she’d at least sat long enough to defrost, she groaned as she started the car knowing she needed to get going to pick up Aiden from the sitter. The guilt of her reluctance made her groan again. I’m such a terrible mom. I really just don’t feel like dealing with him right now, ugh. Choosing silence over the radio, as she did most days, she attempted to calm her mind and settle her soul. It was always her plan to show up patient and loving.

Thinking of Aiden, her thoughts went to the field trip money he needed, and without realizing it, they turned toward the stack of unpaid bills sitting on the counter at home. How the hell am I going to get through this? Determined not to go down another rabbit hole, she gripped the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles began to turn white. Then she failed yet again, as her thoughts took over. And he had the nerve to try to call me collect, again! Earlier that day, when she saw it was a collect call, she had no doubt it was Scott. She remembered standing there, staring at the incoming call. The waves of both justification and sadness that swept through her made her angry.

Rose knew she’d have to face him eventually, but just then was not the time. Thoughts of how he had left them nearly desolate emboldened her decision. As she forcefully pushed the off button, she refused to feel guilty. There was also the fact that her micromanaging boss didn’t allow personal calls, which she found to be a bit ironic. The very reason she was working in these conditions, was also the reason she couldn’t answer; not that she wanted to anyway.

When the car behind her tapped the horn indicating the light was green, she tossed her head as if she could sling off the unwelcome thoughts. Ugh, you can’t go there right now. You need your calm. Get centered, breathe. You set the tone. You can do this. Dealing with her son always required more energy than she ever had in reserve.

She made the rest of the drive, soaking in the scenery of the still bayou waters along the way. The gentle sway of the moss dangling from the oak trees and the crystal blue sky teased her into a calm she rarely felt. Exhaling softly, she pulled into the drive and texted the sitter to send Aiden out to the car. Moments later, she was startled from checking her phone when he slung the door open and threw himself into his seat.

Recovering quickly, she took a deep breath and felt a bit of victory for her efforts to release the stress of her day before arriving to pick him up. With a gentle smile on her face, she turned to greet him. One look at his angry, furrowed brow was all it took to deflate her hopes. Dragging in another deep breath, she shook her head and clung to the smidge of hope that they wouldn’t have their usual knock-down drag out.

With a forced, upbeat tone she asked, Hey pumpkin! How was school?

"Oh my god mom, I’m not a pumpkin!"

She wasn’t able to help the giggle that escaped at his response to the nickname. He was literal, to the extreme, and didn’t understand or appreciate the use of euphemisms; it was lost on him that she was trying to be endearing. When she heard his growl in response, she regretted setting him off. Keeping her face turned away, she rolled her eyes, took a deep breath, and prodded him back to her question.

Sooo, how was school?

"It was fine. Buuut, I got in trouble for not getting my assignment done. My teacher is so stupid," he yelled as he threw his backpack onto the floor. His norm was to be in trouble; she hated it.

With a stifled cringe, she went on. Oh- Before she could continue, he began his usual fight with getting the seat belt buckled. Rose turned back to the front and sent up a silent plea for patience. Please help me. Breathe, just breathe, you can do this. I know I can do this.

She pulled out of the driveway, and, with feigned surprise, she asked, You did? Which teacher?

Um, Miss Welch, who do you think? Hearing the sarcasm dripping from his voice, she didn’t need to look back at him to know he was rolling his eyes.

Although she did not have the energy to fight with him, she couldn’t dismiss his tone. Exhausted or not, disrespect was not something she would tolerate. She sucked in another deep breath, pushed her hair away from her face, and looked both ways at the intersection before responding.

"Aiden, you have a lotta teachers. How am I supposed to know which one?" she asked, keeping her tone level with just a hint of reprimand.

"Well, mooom, Miss Welch is my main teacher, the others don’t really care if I finish my art or if I sing or do P.E. You should know who I meant."

Ok, Aiden, can you not be rude? I’ve had a long day, geez. The look she gave him when she caught his eye in the rearview mirror, begged for a truce.

"Well, meee too, mom. How would you like it if the kids called you names and pushed you at recess, huh?"

Who did that Aiden? I’m gonna call the school.

"Oh my god mom, I already told the teacher, just stooop, I’m fine. They’re stupid anyway."

Through gritted teeth, she replied, "Aiden, I’m just trying to help, you do not need to be so rude to me!"

"I’m not being rude. You asked how my day went. Guess you didn’t really want to know, huh?"

Ugh, I did want to know, now that’s enough. Do you have a book with you for homework?

No, I already read it while I was in class. Those books are so easy. They’re for babies. Why can’t I read better books? I want to read Harry Potter books. It’s not fair that we have to read the same stories over and over, none of it’s fair. School’s so stupid. He released a long growl as he punched his legs in frustration. She glanced back to see him squeezing his hands so tightly that she knew his nails must be digging into his palms.

Like a plant that’s gone too long without water, she felt the hope that he might have had a better day wither in her chest. Yes, Aiden, I get it, but we don’t have a choice. I got you into gifted so you could-

"Well, they only come and get me for like 10 minutes and that’s stupid too!" When she glanced back to see his arms tightly folded across his chest and the deep glower on his face, she regretted her inability to stop her eye roll and loud sigh.

As usual, her frustration fueled his ire. I HATE school! He backhanded the door and glared out the window.

Wait, you don’t like the gifted teacher either? Or the stuff y’all do? I thought you did?

"Yeees mooom, I do, but I’m not with her much. The rest of the day is doing the same ole stupid baby work over and over and o-ver. I told you this sooo many times!"

His relentless arguing continued until Rose exploded and demanded silence. When tears began to cloud her vision, she swiped at her eyes, angry at her inability to manage her emotions.

When he noticed she was crying, he said, Mom, I’m sorry, don’t cry. I’m really sorry!

She shook her head, wiped at her tears again, and whispered, "I am too, Aiden, I am too. I’m just really tired and I really don’t wanna fight."

When she grabbed another quick peek at him, she could see he was in deep thought as he looked out the window. It didn’t surprise her when he perked up and offered, Mom, I know how to cook, ya know! I could help you with that.

The excitement in his eyes and the genuineness of his offer made her smile behind the pain of always feeling inadequate as to how to best deal with his raging emotions. She knew the kindest, most gentle soul lay just under all his pent-up anger and frustration. It was as if he were at constant war with her, with school, with this life he’d been given. It saddened her at how infrequently she got to see this side of him. It was bittersweet that her anger tainted her ability to fully absorb his offer of remorse.

Swallowing hard she replied, Oh thanks, that would be great. Do you have homework?

"Not much, just some stupid worksheet, and I already read my book…like I told you."

When Rose connected her eyes with his in response to his sarcasm, he pasted a cheesy smile on his face and quickly added, I can get it done fast, it’s easy, I promise!

She squinted and berated herself silently again for forgetting to dig out her sunglasses before leaving to pick him up. Great, now you’ll have a headache. It was less than a ten-minute drive to their house. It baffled her how, in such a short time, her 9-year-old son could test her patience as if she had no self-control. All too often, he could easily bring her to the brink of seething anger, and then shift just as quickly, hug her, and express how much he loved her. His loathing for anything conventional certainly didn’t help. He abhorred all things regimented — school, chores, baths, dinnertime, bedtime, mornings. You name it, he railed against it.

They finished the drive discussing dinner and the very few things Aiden had enjoyed at school. Before they came to a complete stop in the driveway, he bounded out of the car. Knowing he was headed for the swing set, she decided it wasn’t worth it to tangle with him again. We can both use a break.

Walking into the side entrance, the first thing she did was unload her stuff onto the counter-bar that bordered the kitchen and small dining area. Next, she peeked around the corner into the living area looking to see if Liv was nearby.

Sure enough, she was on the sofa with Harry Potter cracked open.

Liv glanced up and gave a mere, Hey. Rose rolled her eyes at the lack of greeting.

Um, hey? How was school? Don’t you have homework?

Nope, already done mom. She answered, not bothering to look up from her book.

Although they had played this out many times, and it was very rare that Liv was irresponsible, Rose followed her compulsion with more questions. What about the laundry?

"Done, too. Mom, you know I always get all my stuff done, geez."

Liv’s short tone plucked at Rose’s last nerve. Her efforts to reign herself in with Aiden had, once again, drained most of her energy and illusion of control.

Deciding it best to let it go, she began to unpack her bags. Although her intention was admirable, she moved around the kitchen slamming a few cabinets hoping her daughter would get the hint.

When Liv didn’t respond to Rose’s passive-aggressive efforts to get her attention, she said, "Well, do you plan to read all day?"

"Um, why not? You said once I got everything done, I could do whatever I want, right?"

Yeah, I guess I did. Rose agreed and rolled her eyes at herself, confused as to why she was upset.

Her internal question was answered when, must be nice, rolled through her mind. She would have loved nothing more than to relax and read a book for a few hours. Great, I’m jealous of my 13-year-old. Nice Rose, good job.

Her chiding thoughts were interrupted when Aiden burst through the door, made a beeline to the fridge, and flung it open.

Rose walked over, moved Aiden by the shoulders, and closed the doors to the fridge. Um, no, sir. No snacks right now. I’m about to start dinner.

But mooom, I’m hungry!

You can wait.

"Mom, I’m really hungry. Please let me have something, geez!"

"Ok, one thing A, just one. And didn’t you say you’d help with dinner?"

His answer was interrupted when the house phone began to ring. She wasn’t expecting a call, so she hurried over to check the caller ID. Even though the screen said, unknown caller she answered it without thinking.

Hello?

Hey, it’s me.

Shock and dread coursed through her body when she heard Scott’s voice. Before responding, she all but ran to get out the side door.

Hello? he asked.

Yeah, I’m here. I didn’t want the kids to hear me.

The noise in her head made his voice seem like it was muffled and echoing as if she was in a tunnel. Her dream-like state didn’t stop her from absorbing what he was saying. And then she heard herself reply, Oh, ok. Sure, we’ll come pick you up.

She hung up and stood motionless for a few moments. As the confusion ebbed from her mind, tears burned her eyes. The pain of her heart squeezing in her chest was replaced by deflation as she gave way to a huge, much-needed exhale. Well, you can’t stay out here all day. Sucking in a full breath of air, she stood tall, pulled her shoulders back, and lifted her chin. Clearing the cobwebs of the last few moments, she focused on the details she could remember. Apparently, he had been released from jail and needed a ride. His story was that he had been walking and was at a gas station on a borrowed phone.

Her emotions, already revved from dealing with a long day, and Aiden, soared into overdrive. She knew she wasn’t ready to see him and yet she had agreed to pick him up. For a few seconds, she reflected on the ease with which she had offered her assistance. Just then, as if it had been written in the sky, her habit of saving him became unavoidably clear. As thoughts of the kids and how they had missed him rushed in, she hoped she had made the right decision

Rose realized this would be the beginning of their new relationship. It was one thing to tell him their marriage was over while he was in jail. But having to face him was a different level of difficulty altogether. Carrying out her decision was sure to be brutal for both of them. Since they had been teenagers when they started dating, they had practically grown up together and had spent the last 17 years building a life together. She knew she would always love him. Yet she also knew, deep in the recesses of her being, that she could not afford to stay in their marriage any longer.

With more skill than she gave herself credit for, she had done a stellar job at hiding Scott’s addiction and mental illness from the kids. For eight years, as far as they were concerned, their parents were like most others: mom was angry a lot and not near as fun as dad. Otherwise, they seemed to believe all was well.

When she went back to the kitchen, she shook her head, not surprised that Aiden was gone.

Liv, Aiden, come see, I have some exciting news! Assuming he was in his room, she raised her voice enough for him to hear. Their house was ranch-style and the kids’ bedrooms were all the way in the back.

When she felt excitement welling up, just as much as the dread gnawing at her stomach, she was confused. After considering it for a moment, she decided her response must be all about the kids. Since becoming a mom, her biggest joy had always come from Liv and Aiden’s happiness, and she knew how much they had been missing their dad. He hadn’t done much as a parent to lighten her load, but he loved them deeply and was a lot of fun when it suited his mood.

But, if she was being honest, there was more to it. This felt a little different. Letting the thought settle a bit, she admitted to herself that she was also secretly thrilled to get away. A break from the monotony of work, kids, dinner, bed, repeat sounded amazing and fun with other adults sounded like heaven. As the realization dawned, she surprised herself when she refused to entertain the guilt that often shadowed any thoughts of relaxation or fun for herself.

Liv showed up first, opened the fridge, and asked, What are you so excited about?

I’ll tell you in a sec. Let’s wait for your brother. Do you know where he’s at?

Yeah, right! Her laugh and eye roll reminded Rose so much of herself it made her laugh too, but not for the same reason as Liv.

"Aaaaaiden! Where are you?" Rose yelled. Her words were loaded with the familiar frustration of always waiting on him.

I’m coming! Geez, mom, I heard you! he yelled back. She could hear the quick scurrying of his feet down the long hallway. He rarely, if ever, walked.

Liv was having yogurt and waiting patiently when Aiden ran into the kitchen.

Looking at her snack he exclaimed, Hey, I want one!

Without looking up from the Harry Potter book she had resumed reading, she flipped her eyes his way and said, Ok, so get one. When she wasn’t doing schoolwork, with her friends, or playing softball, she was reading.

Y’all, stop! I’m trying to tell you something! Your dad’s gonna be here tonight. We need to go pick him up.

What? Are you serious? YES! Aiden exclaimed as he made a fist and pulled his elbow into his stomach. When are we going? Can we go now?

Rose laughed at his excitement, Well, you need some shoes, but first get your yogur-

Before she could finish, he took off down the hall. She grabbed the yogurt for him. It’s just easier.

She also grabbed a stick of cheese and an apple for herself and filled up her water cup. When she turned around and saw the long look on Liv’s face, a wave of regret washed over her. In all of Aiden’s excitement, she’d forgotten about how Liv might react. How the hell did I do that?

Oh hun, I’m so sorry I got distracted. I know I do that way too much because of him, ugh. What’s that face for?

I don’t know.