A Love Like Carmen's: Volume I

By T. N. Bradford

Carmen is a young woman in her twenties who keeps looking for love in all the wrong places. She’s also a Christian struggling to integrate her religion into the confines of modern dating. Over and over, Carmen chooses the wrong guy. In her journal, she acknowledges that she fears abandonment and is afraid of being alone.

She longs to find the right guy to start a family, and she is lucky to have her faith to lean on. She truly believes God has a man waiting for her. She believes she has a divinely ordained match out there somewhere, so she asks God for guidance as she is shaped into the person God wants her to be.

Carmen has moments of doubt, however, as she sometimes thinks God hates her due to some of her past decisions. She eventually finds her way back into His loving arms, though not without strife. She must go through a lot of Mr. Wrongs to find Mr. Right, but Carmen will not give up. She looks forward to the day when she finds a true love of her own.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Aug 25, 2022
• ISBN: 9781665726023

T. N. Bradford

T. N. Bradford has a master’s in psychology. She is an advocate for mental health, self-worth, and self-confidence and is owner of the nonprofit Be Confident. Be Bold. Be Beautiful, Inc. She spends her days working in the commercial real estate industry and being mother to her daughter, Paige. She also has two dogs, Stormie and Jackie. In her free time, she loves to dance, journal, spend time with family and friends and travel.

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WEDNESDAY

OCTOBER 16

Good morning, Lord!

You heard me and answered. My Lord, You never cease to amaze me. Thank You is all I can say. Now, I know why You haven’t given me a relationship yet. It’s because I’m not ready. Whoever he is, though, he will be waiting for me when I graduate with my bachelor’s degree. I saw the vision. I remember him being handsome and somebody that looked familiar. Thank You, Lord, for molding me into the woman You want me to be, so I can have a lasting relationship versus desChamberlaining it and tearing it down.

It’s amazing because Joyce Meyer’s devotion today talked about insecurities and approval from God. You give grace and mercy to everyone, and I see it now. Thank You for the revelation. I understand now.

I studied Proverbs 31 today.

"The sayings of King Lemuel contain this message,[a] which his mother taught him.

O my son, O son of my womb,

O son of my vows,

do not waste your strength on women,

on those who ruin kings.

It is not for kings, O Lemuel, to guzzle wine.

Rulers should not crave alcohol.

For if they drink, they may forget the law

and not give justice to the oppressed.

Alcohol is for the dying,

and wine for those in bitter distress.

Let them drink to forget their poverty

and remember their troubles no more.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves;

ensure justice for those being crushed.

Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless,

and see that they get justice.

A WIFE OF NOBLE CHARACTER

[b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?

She is more precious than rubies.

Her husband can trust her,

and she will greatly enrich his life.

She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

She finds wool and flax

and busily spins it.

She is like a merchant’s ship,

bringing her food from afar.

She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household

and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

She goes to inspect a field and buys it;

with her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She is energetic and strong,

a hard worker.

She makes sure her dealings are profitable;

her lamp burns late into the night.

Her hands are busy spinning thread,

her fingers twisting fiber.

She extends a helping hand to the poor

and opens her arms to the needy.

She has no fear of winter for her household,

for everyone has warm[c] clothes.

She makes her own bedspreads.

She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.

Her husband is well known at the city gates,

where he sits with the other civic leaders.

She makes belted linen garments

and sashes to sell to the merchants.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,

and she laughs without fear of the future.

When she speaks, her words are wise,

and she gives instructions with kindness.

She carefully watches everything in her household

and suffers nothing from laziness.

Her children stand and bless her.

Her husband praises her:

"There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,

but you surpass them all!

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;

but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

Reward her for all she has done.

Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

"When I do get married, I want one of my wedding colors to be purple. Lord, Genesis 2:21–23,

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. At last! the man exclaimed. This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman’, because she was taken from ‘man’,

really, explains what is going on in my life right now. You have caused my man to fall into a deep sleep. While he is sleeping, You are making me into the woman who can be with him, his helper, to love him, encourage him, build a family, and to be a Proverbs 31 wife for him! That way I won’t mess my marriage up, because, Lord, I don’t just want a beautiful, fairy-tale wedding. I want a beautiful, fairy-tale marriage.

(8:16 A.M.)

God,

At church today, the minister said to let go of past hurts. Let go of Bryce, Telvin, Reginald, Lorenzo, and even Ace. Oh, Ace. I nicknamed him Ace because of where he stands in my life. That one is dangerous. That connection, that tie was a dangerous one. Without the influence of any illegal or legal substance, he took my body to heights and places that left me tingling and numb, all at the same time.

When I met him, I wasn’t at all interested because I was engaged and shacking up with my fiancé, Reginald (Reggie). But I saw how Ace interacted with the other women, and something in me became intrigued. It was like the forbidden fruit; I wanted to try it. I had to try it and have it. Ugh, I feel myself getting drawn back in. Let me stop thinking about that ASAP. I’ve got to let that go. Lord, can You please show me how to let that go?

I’ve also got to stop communicating with Telvin. Yeah, he’s another one. He’s the one I got pregnant with and had an abortion with two years ago. I’m still trying to heal from that. What is wrong with me? It’s like I keep running into the arms of men, hoping to find love, and opening up my body and soul to them, only to be left bruised, battered, broken, busted, and disgusted. I have to stop communicating with Telvin because I know he doesn’t want anything except sex from me anyway.

I’m so sick of that. All of these guys are coming at me, but we’ve determined that I’m not ready yet. In my eyes, they are considered randoms! And they do not need to be looked at any further. I don’t want to go to dinner with them, text them, or hang out with them. No! It’s like something down in my spirit just doesn’t feel at peace with any of them. I just want to wait on You, Lord.

I know that You have my man out there, but maybe we’re just not ready for each other yet. Lord, I want to know what it’s like to feel loved without giving my body away. I don’t know what that’s like. I’ve always equated love to sex and sex to love. What is it like to really be in love?

(8:24 A.M.)

SATURDAY

OCTOBER 19

Lord,

I woke up again in the middle of the night, but I’m glad I did! Thank You! It was a huge water bug crawling up the wall above me. Also, I gave Samson and Oden some water. But I also killed the waterbug—I think. Something was on my mind too, though, and I think that’s what woke me. I read about the visions that God gives people. I know that I prayed about Ace, and God told me, "No. You’re not ready yet. I don’t want you to hurt, so just wait. Let me get you together. Your ‘Adam’ is in a deep sleep. There is so much purpose and life that I have for you. Once I’m done preparing you for your ‘Adam,’ I will wake him and join the two of you together."

But why do I have to wait? How come he and I can’t just grow together? I hate being single. Ugh! But why do I hate being single? I’m used to being in a relationship and having a boyfriend. This is really unfair. I don’t understand why I can’t just have who and what I want! I feel like I’m throwing a whole temper tantrum with God, but that’s how it seems like it’s always been.

I have to stop beating myself up for having sex with Ace. Lord, You still love me, right? Please don’t ever leave me. I want You to always be with me. You have my heart, Lord. But why do You want me to pray for the guys that I’ve had sex with? Perhaps I should stop questioning and just obey. But, Lord, I especially don’t want to pray for Ace. He’s probably not even thinking about me or praying for me, so why do I have to pray for him? That’s not fair! Okay, I won’t be selfish. I’ll pray for him. The Bible says to love your enemies and pray for them.

On another note, I was reading Hillary Landholm’s blog, and during her single season (right before she met her husband) she talked about how she would fast with a gallon of water on the weekends. Hillary Landholm is a well-known Christian influencer and blogger. She worked in the entertainment industry for years before becoming a full-time Christian influencer/blogger. Her story is awesome and I was really touched when I read her testimony. Anywho, I’ve been thinking that maybe I need to drink at least half a gallon every day. I was reading through some of the benefits, and I think it would really help for me to do so. I also want to order some ProActiv. But if I start drinking a half gallon of water every day that will probably help with the acne and acne scars. Hmm. I don’t know what to do because I’ve never had an acne breakout like this before. I have broken out on my face and chest, under my neck, and even on my back! What’s that all about? Maybe it’s stress related?

I’m also worried about my health insurance and when to leave the bank for good. I know that Your word says to cast my cares on You because You care for me. But sometimes that’s so hard. What does that even look like? I love my job and like my coworkers, but there’s just something about the environment there ever since Ace quit. You know he was my at-work boyfriend who ended up being my out-of-work boyfriend too. I don’t even know how that happened.

I never saw it coming since I was engaged and living with Reggie. How did I even let that happen? How could I have let myself slip into Ace’s arms like that? I know all of our coworkers knew what was going on. I know they knew about me and him; it was way too obvious. We would be late to work together and even take the same days off.

Bless my coworkers. They never said anything to my face, but I could tell from their looks and comments. I pray for my coworkers. I lift them up to You and ask that You bless each of them whenever they stand in need. Bless and protect them and their families. In Jesus’s name. Amen.

Something that’s really been on my heart recently though is my purpose. What am I here to do on this earth? I had a vision about being a spokesperson for self-esteem and domestic violence awareness for women and men. I want it to be a nonprofit. Be confident, be bold, and be beautiful for the ladies; be confident, be bold, and be of valor for the men.

I pray that my future husband is a man of valor. I pray that he comes along and helps me to walk this vision out. I want to do vlogs and podcasts to help people with self-esteem, self-worth, and love, as it pertains to the Bible. I can just imagine us helping so many people. I want to bring people closer to Jesus. Wow, I’m getting excited just thinking about this. Your will be done, Lord. Your will be done. I need to pray and go back to sleep.

(3:46 A.M.)

Good morning, Lord!

I started another devotional plan on the Bible app, She Reads Truth, Part 2. Yay! Go, me! Anyway, I need to get ready to take my car to be serviced. Another random thought, I think my mom is doing drugs. I don’t know how or why, but I just do. She’s just acting weird and strange. It wouldn’t be the first time. Lord, please talk to me about this. I’m honestly afraid of what I might find out. Anyway, I’ll be going. It’s super cold outside! And You know what? I didn’t really dream last night when I went back to sleep, but I felt some type of way. Perhaps it had to do with my Bible study.

Bible Study Notes

Mark 6:14–29

"Herod Antipas, the king, soon heard about Jesus, because everyone was talking about him. Some were saying, ‘This must be John the Baptist raised from the dead. That is why he can do such miracles.’ Others said, ‘He’s the prophet Elijah.’ Still others said, ‘He’s a prophet like the other great prophets of the past.’ When Herod heard about Jesus, he said, ‘John, the man I beheaded, has come back from the dead.’ For Herod had sent soldiers to arrest and imprison John as a favor to Herodias. She had been his brother Philip’s wife, but Herod had married her. John had been telling Herod, ‘It is against God’s law for you to marry your brother’s wife.’ So Herodias bore a grudge against John and wanted to kill him. But without Herod’s approval she was powerless, for Herod respected John; and