Peaceful Waters

By Anne Hutcheson

Fen McCallin is devastated by the loss of her friend and lover, Donovan, to suicide. His spectre haunts her as she works through the stages of grief. Friends would like to help her, but she knows she must do this alone. Deciding to sail a route to the Baja she and Donovan had always wanted to do but never found the time, Fen emerges on a physical journey during the day and an emotionally insightful journey of love at night. This journey makes her strong in body, mind, and spirit and leads her back into life ready to love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Aug 24, 2022
• ISBN: 9781663243324

Anne Hutcheson

Anne Hutcheson lives with her husband and two savvy rescue cats in State College, Pennsylvania. She enjoys traveling, practicing the healing arts, walking outdoors, writing, cooking, and enjoying a fine glass of wine.

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 Anne Hutcheson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

iUniverse

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.iuniverse.com

844-349-9409

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-4331-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-4333-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-4332-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022914044

iUniverse rev. date: 08/22/2022

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Epilogue

This is a love letter dedicated to those who

have lost someone dear to suicide and who

must reemerge to life and to love.

Recognize the depth of love we shared, rejoice in it, fill our heart with it. Know that, eventually, we will be able to share the depth of that love with others in ways we never could have imagined before the death. To transform our grief and love is not dishonoring the dead—it’s honoring them to the fullest.

—Venerable Chodron, thoughts after the loss of a beloved to suicide

GettyImages-1153560733.jpg

1

Fen stood in front of the post office, not sure how or why she was here now. A tattered envelope in her hand held a note that said she had mail waiting for her, but the post office was closed. Shouldn’t she have known the post office would be closed? She knew she was to have met Donovan here two weeks ago, but he never came. Tears spilled from her eyes. Why was he gone? He never said he was unhappy. Shouldn’t she have noticed he was unhappy? The police had told her they thought it was a suicide. They said he had used his own gun. Since when did he have a gun? Shouldn’t she have known he had a gun?

Fen looked from right to left, left to right. Her dark brown eyes told a tale of sorrow as she peered into the eyes of each passerby with both hurt and alarm. She buttoned her raincoat and looked up at the bruised and troubled sky. Alabaster clouds gathered as bolts of lightning followed by roils of thunder escorted the tormented clouds. A biting wind chilled Fen to the bone. She visibly shook from the cold. Intermittent raindrops scattered across the ground as she drew her raincoat more closely about her. Her sneakered feet felt heavy, but she knew she needed to get going. Then the rain began to fall in earnest, slapping her in the face and forcing her feet to move.

Fen picked up the pace as the rain and wind vied with her for dominance. Putting her hands in her pockets, Fen moved quickly. A few other people hurried past her. Looking down at the ground, Fen watched their feet rush by her.

Then, startled by a familiar laugh behind her, she looked over her shoulder. Fen abruptly stopped walking as he sidled up beside her holding out his hand. Fen looked up at Donovan quizzically, hesitating to take it. As his smile grew—his beautiful smile—Fen slowly gave him her hand even as his image disappeared. She pulled her hand back to her side. Fen knew she had to move. She knew she had to breathe. She knew she had to beat back Donovan’s shadowy presence.

Her feet remained rooted on the path for several minutes. Her head sunk to her chest. No one going by seemed to even see her. That recurring feeling of abandonment overwhelmed her as she dropped to her knees and sobbed. She could feel Donovan’s arms surround her as she caught herself holding her breath. Choking on her tears, Fen gradually drew herself up on one leg while taking in her surroundings and shaking her head to ward off Donovan’s presence. The chilly wind angrily threw discarded paper bags and cups around her. Feet continued to hustle past. She drew up her other knee and methodically brought herself upright.

Placing one foot in front of the other, she inched her way along Harbor Drive, then turned right onto Bridgeway. Now drenched from head to toe, she walked hesitantly, hunched in her raincoat. Walking the familiar path to the dock aroused her hurt again, and then came the unbearable pain. She wanted to scream, Why, Donovan, why? but even her silence was drowned in the wash of the rain. Fen knew she would not get an answer. With downcast eyes, hunched shoulders, and moving feet encumbered by soggy sneakers, Fen made her way out of the village of Sausalito to the harbor as the rain began to subside.

Minutes later, Fen approached her dock and the forty-five-foot sailboat she and Donovan had called home. He had christened the sailboat Peace, the English translation of her name. Sitting alongside the sailboat, tracing its name—her name, Peace—with her fingertips, she thought back to the day they had moved in.

It was a day filled with sunshine and promise—the promise of luxury and adventure, the promise of the two of them sailing around the world beginning with the Southern California coast and along the Baja. Donovan had laughed as she traced her name the first time. It’s for you, Fen, my source of peace, Donovan said.

Where had all the promises gone? Where had the peace gone? To life, most certainly. Both she and Donovan worked hard, he as a pediatric cardiac surgeon and she as a physical therapist. They played hard too, but their jobs did keep them close to home. Peace was an oasis for the two of them but never a getaway.

Fen’s tears stopped as she noticed the rain seriously waning. Footsteps fell on the dock. This time, there was no mistaking who approached her. Cayden loomed above her, holding out a towel. Fen looked up at him distantly, silently.

Fen, this is the third soaker you seem to have walked right into. It’s a wonder you are not sick. I suggest you take this and get yourself down in the cabin to find some dry clothes, said Cayden.

Fen continued looking at Cayden, her dock neighbor and Donovan’s older brother. Funny she hadn’t paid much attention before to how different they were in appearance. Donovan was tall, muscular, with rugged good looks. Cayden was lanky but also attractive, though more polished. Their coloring was different. Donovan was fair with a mop of shaggy blond hair framing his face. Cayden had dark brown hair cut close to his scalp except for the top, which was styled and neat, unlike his clothes, which were often spattered with his paints and photography chemicals. Donovan’s blue eyes rested quietly in his face. Cayden’s muddy brown eyes took in all that was immediately around him, darting from one thing to another. Donovan’s smile, his gorgeous, gorgeous smile … Fen’s eyes welled up with new tears.

Look, Fen, you need to go dry off and put some dry clothes on, said Cayden, tossing her the towel. I’m going to get something for you to eat and drink. Be right back. Cayden quickly walked to the next boat and disappeared over the side.

Fen brought herself up on all fours, catching her breath and then regulating it in, out, in, out. She slowly, mechanically stood. Pulling the towel behind her, she came to the