Dreamless Sleep

By Maximillian Matthews

Zoe Kattan now knows the truth behind who kidnapped his best friend, but he's no closer to finding her, with only shattered pieces of memories to follow. Now fearing for his own safety, Zoe finds himself clinging onto any scraps of trust he can. Secrets begin to be uncovered, but as they do, the danger that Zoe's in can only get worse. This time, finding the truth is entirely up to him.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Maximillian Matthews
• Release date: Nov 26, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005316174

Book preview

Dreamless Sleep

Maximillian Matthews

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2018 Maximillian Matthews

Other Books by Maximillian Matthews

Love You to Death

A Boy Named Zoe:

We Don’t Dream

Of Their Dreams

Dreamless Sleep

chapter one

early autumn, year ten

I love you, Justin Toby whispers into a mirror, practicing exact cadence and tone of voice. I love you, he whispers again, before cursing and turning away from his reflection thoughtfully. Were I actually present, he would be far more embarrassed about his actions than he is in front of himself- after all, it is me he’s pretending to direct those words to. The very idea of it still makes me so utterly nauseous that I can barely move, and it’s a wonder I haven’t thrown up. It wouldn’t be so bad if he hadn’t kidnapped my best friend over a year ago for this supposed love, and although I know she’s still alive, I haven’t seen her since. Justin is the Stalker, and while I previously thought he was trying to kill me, the truth turned out to be far more complicated, and honestly, worse. Tsubame watched the whole thing, observing as a ghost, hidden inside the walls to keep Justin from seeing her; and it’s only through her choosing to show me her memories that I can see the things I’m seeing.

No, no, no, Justin mutters to himself in the memory, that’s too direct. We’ll get there, I just have to...

He might’ve said something, but the door opens and the younger Toby brother pokes his head in. We’ve got to go, Justin. Sorry to- Liam begins, but he’s interrupted by a slightly embarrassed Justin, unsure of what his younger brother might’ve seen.

We’ve got a little bit of time, okay? Justin gives an apologetic smile, quickly covering up his mistake with cool charisma. Just let me get dressed, alright?

I’m not entirely sure yet, but I think that this memory is of the night that said best friend Tabby went missing, as Liam’s wearing the same clothes he was on the night. I watch with renewed curiosity, anticipation, as Justin sighs and goes to his closet, the perspective of the memory shifting as Tsubame moves to get out of his sight. Although she’s a ghost, having died three centuries ago and moved on from an in-between life more than a hundred years ago, Justin can see her, as can I. We’re different; we both have powers, although mine are innate, and his given to him.

Giving another person powers has risks, risks that include the chance to drive them crazy, to exacerbate the bad parts of them that already exist. It explains how Justin was able to kidnap my best friend and potentially do much worse, although he probably wasn’t originally like that. Giving someone powers is also something few people can do- the only two I’m aware of are myself and James Howard, an important figurehead of the Flight of Fireflies, the organisation that finds those of us born with powers and either helps us or imprisons us, depending on who you ask and what their powers are. My friend Jordan was killed by the Flight.

I certainly didn’t give Justin his powers. He got them from James Howard, who seems to want to create secondaries- those with given powers, as opposed to livehearts born with them, and dreamers without. Those without powers are dreamers for the simple reason that the hallmark of being a liveheart, having these powers, is the ability to walk into other’s dreams, as we don’t have any of our own. I knew, a while back, that the person responsible for Tabby’s disappearance had powers, and I assumed that they were a liveheart, knowing that secondaries were rare and thinking James Howard couldn’t have made a secondary where I live. I went into Justin’s dream, confirmed he was indeed dreaming, and knocked him off the list of suspects for that very reason. But secondaries can still dream.

Justin changes into the shirt I recognise from the night of Tabby’s disappearance, over a year ago. This is the first memory Tsubame’s shown me, potentially the first important one that she was witness to. What that means is that Justin has been ‘in love’ with me for a long, long time now.

Justin leaves without much fuss, looking into the mirror and attempting to fix his hair, smoothing it back and then deciding it looked better as it was and trying to ruffle it back up. Tonight’s the night, Zoe, he tells his reflection, pretending it’s me. Tonight you and I are gonna get out of here.

Tsubame remembers feeling disgust in my place, but knowing- as I now know too- that vague allusions to eloping are only the beginning.

Her past self follows Justin as he leaves the room, reconciliating with Liam in their living room. There’s no sign of either of their parents around; but considering what their children have managed to do, I can’t imagine they interfered much in their sons’ activities. Liam was most likely influenced by Justin, even in the things he did of his own accord, like trying to force Tabby to have sex with him when they were dating before her disappearance. Technically, they never broke up, but let’s be honest, they probably don’t consider themselves together anymore. I hated him for what he tried on her, and I still do; the context doesn’t make what he did okay, it just explains it. I don’t know if there’s hope for Liam or not, but I doubt it exists for Justin, knowing he masterminded this all.

Justin reaches around under the cushions of the couch and takes out two plastic bottles, one labelled with a Z, and one with a T. Tabby, diazepam, Justin informs his brother as he gestures with the one labelled T, dissolved in alcohol. Zoe, methanol, he says about the other one. They both may or may not taste it, but they should be distracted enough that it won’t matter.

Tsubame knows, because Justin does, that he’s lying to his brother. The drugs are reversed. Liam will drug Tabby with the methanol and me with the diazepam, just as Justin’s plan was to go, and Liam will believe he’s the one who made a mistake somewhere along the line. I believed it was a mistake, too, knowing Liam’s motivation for potentially wanting to drug Tabby with a sedative, and nothing else. I therefore assumed the methanol was to poison me. Liam went into this plan thinking that was what he’d do, too.

Got it, Liam says with a gentle nod, in the tone of being told something for the sixteenth time. I... I still don’t know why we’re going to hurt Zoe though, too. He’s annoying, but you know we can just leave him behind, right?

He won’t let you leave with Tabby as well, Liam. I’m sorry, but I know what I’m doing. There’s a reason I make the plans. Justin continues to lie to his brother’s face. Tsubame remembers watching from behind the clockface where Justin couldn’t see her, and how it seemed like Liam almost looked at her for a moment.

Okay, I trust you. I don’t know if Tsubame knows this, or if I can simply guess it from the look on Liam’s face, but I’m sure that Liam thinks he’s going to be the one to run away with Justin, to escape the town and society that Justin seems to hate so much, perhaps with Tabby at his side, which I guess is admirable. Justin must’ve put a lot of effort into that fake plan, as it looks to still be holding up as far as Liam’s concerned; of course, the real plan, on Justin’s end, had been to escape with me, and me only. I don’t know what he intended to do with Tabby. I don’t want to know.

Good. Let’s get going, then, Justin says, giving the room a passing glance before quickly walking out the front door. He doesn’t spot Tsubame, who was hiding mostly inside the wall at the time. She was thinking then that the Tobys’ house was unnecessarily large and oddly decorated. I found it a very weird image, actually, as the whole house was hardly decorated at all, almost clinical, like something out of a furniture catalogue. Nothing covered the benches, the table, or the fridge. Nothing but a single picture frame hanging over a desk, a professional photograph of the family.

A house without love, without history. An empty house.

The memory skips ahead a bit, as Tsubame decides that no more of that scene is important to me. Justin now stands in a kitchen; Ned’s kitchen, the boy who threw the party where Tabby was last seen. Personal reasons for not liking Ned aside, I feel sorry for him; even though Justin speaks to him quietly, he crowds him, taking up far more space in the conversation.

It won’t be much of your time, Justin promises, as behind him in the dining room Liam sets the bottles down, hiding them behind some decorate vases to get to them later. It’ll be easy, I promise. I’m going to cause a diversion with your help, Ned, that’s all we need you to do.

If that’s all you needed, you could’ve just asked, Ned says, clutching his forehead and clearly stressed. You didn’t- you didn’t have to bring my sister into this.

I didn’t bring her into this, Ned, you did. The words are ominous, but spoken with cheer, and I don’t like the undertone of laughter infused in those words. Whatever the fuck that means, I don’t want to know.

Ned whimpers a little, but shrugs, trying to straighten up to push off Justin’s intimidation. Justin claps him on the shoulder, like this was all a friendly talk, and backs away, going to speak with Liam.

Tsubame rapidly changes location- I can’t tell from the memory alone if it’s a ghostly teleport, or if she simply moved that fast- and she appears next to me, eighteen months ago, as I get into Tabby’s mum’s car. She flicks my shoelace so that it comes undone, and chatters excitedly to me about what’s about to happen as though she can’t wait for it. In reality, her emotions as known through her memories are a sense of neutral anticipation, already knowing the future and knowing she cannot change it.

I don’t yet know how Tsubame knows fate like she does, but she sure as hell seems to know it. It’s disorientating, seeing myself through her eyes; I was young back then, naive, even though I knew something was wrong as I stared out the window at the passing cars and felt sick. It’s odd to see myself wearing that shirt of Tabby’s, that shirt that now lays in a box in the bottom of my wardrobe, still stained with blood from where Lizzie bled on me, still waiting to be returned to its proper owner. I never took it out of the box to wash it because I didn’t want to look at it and be reminded of what happened that night.

The scene skips ahead, to some time later where I sit with Tabby, Chris, and Lizzie on the couch. Tabby has the same nervous energy that she had about her the entire night; a pain strikes through my ribcage as I see her, perfectly preserved in Tsubame’s memory, and I want nothing more than to find her, wherever she is, just to hug her again. Looking back, it seems obvious now that she knew something was going to happen tonight, too; although, unlike me and Chris, who were simply worried, Tabby was afraid, for reasons I don’t think she could pin down, either.

The other thing that I notice, only in hindsight, is that Lizzie is sticking close to Chris’ side, similarly to how she now sticks close to mine. I thought at the time that she didn’t like him anymore, that her crush on him was over, but it mustn’t have been, at least not fully. It’s hard to tell, imperceptible almost, but it’s there, and Justin must’ve seen it. If I understand his plan at all- and I think I’m beginning to, from what I’m seeing now and what he wrote in the letter- then getting Chris out of the picture depended largely on said crush. It appears the one thing he miscalculated is Chris himself.

Liam walks over and sits by us, sitting on the arm of the couch nearest Lizzie, rather than his girlfriend, Tabby. Tsubame sees me glaring at him from where she hides amongst the bricks, and I remember that at the time what I thought was that he did that out of some interest for Lizzie; but upon looking closer inspection, I can see the two water bottles in his hand. He leans and puts them down beside the couch, coming back up without them. Close by.

A while later, Liam is texting, Justin is texting, and Ned is texting, all apparently with each other. Liam waits until both myself and Tabby have an open drink, and then he fires off a short, snappy text; and then we hear Justin calling.

Who wants to see me jump over the fire?

I don’t know how I didn’t guess that this stupid act was part of the plan. It was a perfect distraction, so perfect it had to be planned, and it was. I had assumed at the time, thinking Liam was the only culprit, that what came later was intended to be the distraction, or that Liam had expected something like this to happen. Upon figuring out that two people were involved, it only made sense. I should’ve known.

Everyone’s heads turn; all of us run off to look, as do all of Ned’s friends standing around nearby. Not Liam, although nobody looks back to notice. He crouches behind the couch to protect himself from view, just in case, and grabs the water bottles, inspecting them carefully to make sure he gets the right one as he pours them into either drink, quickly. Again, now that I look at it, it doesn’t seem very likely that anything was a mixup at all- even someone as dumb as Liam is would be careful when drugging people. Of course, Liam fully, one hundred percent believed there was a mixup, that it was his fault. He had no way of knowing his accomplice was going to double-cross him himself.

Liam then crumples the bottles and hides them under the couch; if they were smart, they would’ve gone back and retrieved them later, and they probably did, or else the police might’ve had some evidence that Tabby didn’t just run away. He then runs out and punches Lizzie with the blatantly fake excuse. I thought this to be the diversion, but as Tsubame understands it, this was for two reasons; the one Liam knows is to get Lizzie to leave the party, supposed to be followed by Chris. Justin’s second reason is to make Liam the target of suspicion, and to draw attention to the fact he might’ve done the drugging. Justin wanted Liam to take the fall for anything and everything that happened tonight, and I certainly fell for it.

Of course, I’m the first to comfort Lizzie. Looking back at a memory of a time before I liked her, it’s weird to see us so close, and oddly nostalgic. I’m not sure if I miss not having a crush on her, or if I miss being able to have that closeness with her, to allow her to bleed on my shoulder and have it not be weird for either of us. I wonder when I lost that, or if I even had it to begin with. Memory fuzzes and it’s hard to tell what’s good and honest from what nostalgia paints brighter.

I remember telling Lizzie I hated Liam at this point. Tsubame was too far away to hear what we were saying, hiding for the sake of not being seen by Justin.

Speak of the devil, he came up to Lizzie then, his overly grabby hands a thousand times more repulsive to me than they were before I knew he was manic for me.

The me in Tsubame’s memory watches with a dazed look as Justin takes Lizzie’s hand and pulls her to his side with a few words. A dead-eyed Lizzie doesn’t fight back, and neither did I at the time, returning to the couch with the poisoned drinks, none the wiser.

That is, of course, where things went terribly wrong. Tabby drinks her drink, poisoning herself, although she doesn’t yet know that; and memory-me drinks mine, making a little bit of a face at the taste, although I pronounce that it’s fine.

With nervous apprehension, I witness for the second time the last moment I saw Tabby alive in the waking world, as she announces she’s going to go search for Liam. I know from that point on in the party what happened around me: Lizzie returns, states she wants to go home, and so me and Chris walk her out. That’s not news to me, and so thankfully, Tsubame chose to follow Tabby back then, to see where she might’ve gone.

I begin to connect Tsubame’s memories of what happened next to my own, to try and build a bigger picture. Tabby begins searching the rooms of the house, looking for Liam. She checks the bedroom that belongs to Ned’s sister first, and then Ned’s bedroom, which is where she finds him. Here, Tsubame steps directly in front of them, knowing neither of them can see her.

Why the hell did you punch Lizzie? she asks, arms crossed over her chest. She’s mad, it’s obvious, but there’s still that underlying feeling of fear radiating from her, one that hasn’t dissipated, that won’t. After more than a year, it’s amazing to know more of what happened that fateful night, what happened to Tabby Tran.

Liam looks over at the wall, clearly coming up with a lie. She was talking about you. Called you ugly.

In front of the fire? While everyone was waiting for the stunt? Sure she did, Liam. Why did you punch her? Tabby asks again, perceptive as hell and not about to pretend anything else. I miss her so much. Just tell me the truth, Liam, she adds with all the patience of a school teacher dealing with a petulant child.

I swear to you, that’s why. When Liam speaks, or at least when he lies, he talks like a terrible actor woodenly reading his lines off of a script. She called you ugly.

That’s not even- why is that a reason to punch her, then? Tabby questions him, clutching at her stomach as nausea starts to settle in. I don’t know that that’s what it is, but Tsubame did at the time. You need to work on your anger issues, Liam, I swear.

I know, Liam shrugs, a dumb smile plastered on his face. Many of their exchanges used to go this way; he’d express simple agreement with her and change nothing. Now I remember why I hated him so much. Are you okay?

Tabby looks at him oddly then, and to me it looks like she consciously catches in that moment that something is wrong. Yeah, I’m fine. Just... a little bit sick. Her anger has evaporated, and she reaches out for his shoulder, and he takes her hand.

Liam helps her sit on the bed and gently touches her shoulder, clumsily biting his lip as he looks at her. I’m sorry about Lizzie, princess, but, now that we’re here, remember what I said-

Tabby shushes him. Not in Ned’s house! she gasps, eyes wide. I feel sick myself, knowing what Liam intended to happen right now and hoping that isn’t what Tsubame’s about to show me. Tabby already turned him down once, and he hasn’t cared too much for what she wanted previously. Despite his older brother being the cause of so much of this, Liam’s still as much of a scumbag as he ever was. Why that is doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is if it changes.

Something crashes to the floor outside and I can be reasonably certain that that’s me. If I recall correctly, the reason it went so badly for me is both the dosage of diazepam they used, and the fact that they mixed it with alcohol to hide it. I remember almost nothing of that night myself, and if the fact that I ended up in hospital is anything to go by, it mustn’t have looked too pretty, either.

What the hell? Tabby asks, standing to go out of the room, but Liam grabs her wrist and shoves her back with a little more force than is necessary. She lets out a noise of surprise and lands on the bed, choosing to stay there and wait rather than risk him taking it further.

Don’t, Liam warns, glaring at her. He looks panicked himself, running towards the doorway and leaving his girlfriend behind. She takes out her phone and begins to text someone- Tsubame checks the recipient, and it’s me.

Liam pokes his head around the doorway and sees me from that night, fallen and collapsed against Chris. Shit, he mutters, looking back at Tabby and seeing her on her phone.

He shuts the door and storms up to her, ripping the phone out of her hands before she can send anything and slipping it into his pocket, ignoring her cry of protest. We’ve got to get out of here, he tells her, and for once, real emotion takes over his face. It’s fear. Tabby doesn’t miss this.

What’re you afraid of? she demands, squinting up at him in the dim room. I hope she didn’t see me in the terrible state I was in; I don’t want the last thing she saw of me to be that.

Can we- do you- Liam struggles for words, running his hands through his hair and messing with the gel in it. We’re getting out of here. Just follow me.

Tabby tries to go to the door, but Liam takes her wrist in a vice grip, pulling her towards him. Despite her size advantage, being taller and heavier than him, he’s much stronger, a martial artist with all of his little weight from muscle. No, we can’t go out there. Just follow me. He tries to sound angry with her, but panic is rising in his tone and he’s beginning to sweat, a coward caught up in a plan that- he believes- is rapidly falling apart.

He goes to the window and throws it open, ripping out the flyscreen from the corners. He drops her wrist to do this, but she doesn’t try and escape again, shaking where she stands but trusting Liam’s judgement. If only she had ran at this one moment- no, this isn’t her fault, she couldn’t have guessed that Liam was scared for a reason she shouldn’t have trusted. Besides, if she tried to run, Liam probably would’ve stopped her again anyways.

Liam gestures for her to climb out the window. Come on.

Tabby looks out the window at the bushes outside, at the fence they’d have to climb, and back to the door again. Why the fuck can’t we just leave? she asks, and that’s when Tsubame hears, as do the two of them, a voice outside, calling my name. It’s Chris, and I know that he’s begging me to wake up, but all Tabby hears is my name.

What the hell’s going on? she all but yells at Liam, heading again towards the door, but he leaps down and blocks her way. He looks scared, genuinely scared, and I for one can’t quite work out why he’s scared yet either. He makes it clear in the next minute, though.

Justin’s going to kick my ass if you go out there. I fucked up, Tabby, that’s what I did, and we have to get the hell out of here. I’m not leaving without you. He begs her to stay, as he’s done before, but this time, there’s something new to it. Something raw and real, a fear of Justin and some sort of love for Tabby, even if it’s not an equal romantic relationship. For the first time, I look at Liam and I don’t hate him or wish he was gone; I don’t see an empty shell without emotions. I look at Liam and feel pity. He’s terrified of his brother, as much as he idolises him, and right now, he’d rather run away and deviate from the plan himself than face the wrath of his brother for messing it up.

I’m sure Liam’s realised that he’s messed up- he hasn’t, but he doesn’t know that. The fact that I’ve collapsed and fallen unconscious and Tabby hasn’t should’ve tipped him off that the drugs were different to what he thought, and that’s why he’s panicking, escaping. Surely, then, he knows that he’s poisoned Tabby by now.

Fine, we’ll go out the window, Tabby sighs in exasperation, heading towards it, but you know you’re going to have to face Justin eventually, right? He’s your brother.

I don’t know. I’ll work it out. Liam follows her as she slips through the window and lands gracelessly among the bushes, branches scraping her bare legs. Tsubame, at this point, left them, instead heading out into the kitchen to see what was going on with me at the time and Justin; the last I see of Tabby is her smoothing down her skirt and asking Liam to explain what the hell’s going on again.

Tsubame in the memory hovers over me for a moment where I lay on the floor, and I see myself through her eyes, weak and falling apart. My shirt is covered in blood that isn’t mine, from Lizzie being punched, and my eyes are glazed over and dull like the leaves of a dying tree; a glimmer of recognition passes through them at the sight of Tsubame, but it fades just as quickly. I have a quick flight of vague memories from that night, but for most of it, the lights weren’t on. The drugs absolutely fucked me up.

Chris is trying desperately to wake me up. Lizzie stands in a horrified sort of shock, stuck between two extremes of reactions and uncertain of what the correct choice would be. Ned is politely telling the party guests that he has it covered and that I’m okay, lying about me having epilepsy to get them to leave me alone. Justin crouches by my side, suggesting that he take care of it, trying his best to get Chris to leave without making Chris aware that that is what he’s doing.

For Justin, the plan hasn’t gone wrong up until this point. Tsubame seems to know at this point in the memory that here is where the plan begins to fail. Justin expected to separate me from Chris at this point, but that’s the roadblock he reaches now, as Chris won’t listen to Justin’s suggestions of taking me to Ned’s room to ‘sleep it off’.

He’s just collapsed, Justin, he’s not fine! Chris snaps, as he kneels beside me with my chest leaning against his legs. My eyes are open, but unseeing, and Chris can tell that things are terrible. I don’t- I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I’m calling an ambulance.

You don’t have to do that, Justin scoffs, as though the idea is ridiculous. His persuasive ability- which might come from natural manipulation, or it might come from the powers James Howard gave to him, and is likely both- is strong, strong enough to make Chris hesitate, although the fact that Chris’ idea is entirely logical makes it kind of a difficult idea to dismiss. He’ll be fine. Leave it to me.

Chris responds with a level of intensity that I don’t think I’ve ever seen from him before. I don’t want to do that! He’s not fine, I’m not going to leave him alone. Okay?

Justin’s more than taken aback, he’s shocked. One thing Justin has always done, one mistake he’s always made, is to underestimate Chris. Chris was supposed to walk Lizzie out, supposed to let Justin deal with me, but he didn’t. He cared too much to make sure that I was okay, and thanks to him, Justin’s entire plan crumbled.

Justin’s plan is still a little bit mysterious and unexplained, but I think I’m beginning to understand. Justin believes, for reasons I still don’t yet know, that I’m the other half of his soul, and he’s expressed in a letter I was never supposed to see that he thinks he’s in love with me. The obsessive mania with which he wrote to- about- me, something which he called love, terrified me, and that terror hasn’t really faded yet. Seeing him in Tsubame’s memory is stressful enough; I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to have to see him in the waking world again.

His plan was to ‘escape’ with me, to go out and start a new life in another town as new people. He was going to take me away silently that night, and had his plan gone as it should have, I would’ve been kidnapped and swept into his delusion. I doubt it would’ve gone well for me; I can’t even guess how I would’ve reacted, what I would’ve done. I think about waking up in a hotel room with Justin and I can’t imagine what comes next; a vague disgusted shudder passes through me.

Chris, I have it under control. I promise you. The memory continues to play in front of my eyes, and I can tell that Justin is throwing all of his weight into his persuasion. Knowing the kind of shit I’ve seen him pull, looking back on it with the knowledge that he could’ve used a persuasion power to make it make sense, things fall into place. A lot of things he’s said are complete nonsense when looked back on objectively, or at least, the reaction I had to them at the time was nowhere near what it should’ve been.

This scene in front of me is an example of this. There’s no reason for Justin to have any more control over someone collapsed on the floor than Chris; and when Chris is a good friend of mine, someone I’ve been calling my best friend since soon after Tabby disappeared, it makes more sense for him to stick by me than Justin. Even so, Chris finds himself hesitating, trusting Justin for a moment, before the logic of it hits him properly. No, Justin, he’s not- Chris pauses, unsure of himself and hating himself for it. It’s not fine. I’m going to call an ambulance.

Justin feigns concern then, trying to get my drugged up self’s attention with hand-waving, which I apparently followed in my messed up state. He’s not unconscious or anything. Look. Justin snaps his fingers and my memory self doesn’t react.

Well he’s not fine, Chris hisses a defence, standing up remarkably well against Justin’s persuasion, although the stress it gives him is visible. Zoe, if you can hear me, say something.

My drugged up self makes some semblance of a noise, and Justin latches onto it, a little bit desperate now, although trying almost more desperately to hide that fact from Chris. That’s something. I don’t think it’s as bad as it looks, Chris, I promise you. Let me handle this.

Chris looks like he’s about to fold under the pressure of the gaslighting. Behind the two of them, Ned watches with what might be horror, knowing at least part of what’s going on and being terrified by it. Chris is thinking fast and quick, his eyes darting here and there, clutching around my chest and holding me closer to him. He notices something with a shock and makes a decision in that moment.

He’s not breathing right, Chris whispers in fear, lowering his head to listen to the shallow, laboured breaths my memory self is forcing out. Chris holds me close to him protectively, as of yet unaware of what he’s protecting me from, but little does he know even now that he had every right to fear for my safety, just perhaps not in the way he thought. I don’t care what you say. I’m calling an ambulance.

Even though I already know what happens, and I know that Justin’s plan fails here for that reason, I still sigh a quiet breath of relief to myself as he says that. He begins to fumble for his phone to call the ambulance, and Justin starts to panic, although he’s hiding it well from Chris.

He’s not breathing right? Justin asks incredulously, leaning in close as he notices his worry is visible, and tries to attribute it to that. Smart, I suppose; Lizzie had remained where she stood, confused and lost, up until that point, where she’d fallen to the floor and whispered, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, under her breath, coming up a little closer to my collapsed memory self before retreating, unsure.

Justin is caught in that moment in the middle of his web, unable to do anything. He looks at Ned, who shrugs at him; there was no plan made for what would happen if Justin’s persuasion failed, for if Chris stuck by my side instead of doing what Justin asked him to. Justin underestimated Chris’ resolve, and that ruined the entire plan.

Justin can’t seem to find a way to reel it back in, and so he shifts gears. You’re right. Call an ambulance. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have doubted you. Justin concedes defeat in this case, his acting good enough that even knowing it’s a lie I almost believe it. The effect didn’t work on Tsubame at the time, though.

Chris nods, his arm still around me, locking Justin out. Justin steps back, and I can see the gears turning in his head as he then turns his attention to Lizzie, now only doing what he must to keep up the right image. Come on, let’s get you home. Zoe’s going to the hospital, he’s going to be fine. He extends a hand to her, and she takes it, eyes still watching my limp body in vague horror.

Okay, she mutters, allowing him to take her out of the door. Tsubame had at this point chosen to stay with Chris as he rung up the ambulance; Chris’ voice can be heard to shake, explaining that his friend has seemed to lose consciousness and can barely breathe. Chris looks like he might well have a heart attack if his stress levels don’t change, and looking at him now, it only makes sense for him to have decided to stick by me that whole night. I thought it was just a nice thing to do, but looking at him now, he looks utterly terrified.

As he hangs up the phone, Chris drops it to try and get my attention again, turning my head to face me. Ned watches from the back with a sort of vague horrified look, but Chris takes no notice, looking into my memory self’s blank eyes. Wake up, dude. Don’t do this to me, not now. He shakes me, a wobbling lip hiding just how concerned he actually is. Don’t let this be it. Anything but this.

The pain with which he whispers that last sentence makes me think that maybe it’s not just about death itself, but about me. I mean, I know that Chris cares about me; but seeing it, like this, feels different in a way I can’t explain. It’s not just about death, it’s about me. It’s about... me. Not Chris losing me, not Chris missing me, but me.

Tsubame had moved again then, flitting outside and hiding in the walls to watch Justin. He waves goodbye to Lizzie as she gets into her mother’s car, and then he pulls out his phone immediately and calls someone, going around the side of the house to avoid running into anyone.

Liam, he snaps, as soon as the phone is picked up. I’m surprised the phone is picked up at all. You fucked it up. You got it wrong and now Chris is hanging off of Zoe and he’s called the ambulance. Justin’s voice does a reasonable job of hiding the true extent of anger shown on his face. I don’t give a shit. Where did you go?

Justin’s face contorts as he hears the response. No, she’ll be fine. Alcohol is the antidote to methanol, and I’ll bring some of that when I come find you. I asked where the fuck you went.

Justin goes and squints down the street, as though looking for something. That wasn’t the plan, Liam. What did you think you were going to do, huh? You need me. You need me around. You aren’t going to be able to run away on your own. Justin’s voice is so calm it’s dangerous, as he angrily clenches his free hand into a fist and out again. A plan is forming, perhaps, in his mind. I’ll come find you, and we’ll make things right. Fuck.

Justin hangs up the phone and clutches at his temples, looking like a boiler about to explode in steam. He blamed Liam even though Liam did everything he was supposed to, beyond running away; if the poison had such an easy antidote, and Tsubame seems to think Justin was telling the truth about at least that much, then why poison her at all? I had thought, in a rough semblance of a theory, that perhaps he wanted her dead and had simply failed. Maybe he offered the antidote only to shut Liam up, or maybe...?

I can’t really answer the question without knowing why he wanted to hurt Tabby in the first place. He wanted me; so why was she ever in the picture to begin with?

Justin begins to run down the street, abandoning Ned’s house. Tsubame at this point stayed put, waiting for the ambulance to come. The memory then skips forward to that point, and Chris following the paramedics as they’re taking me in. He asks them to let him come, and there’s a glance exchanged among the paramedics as they wonder what to do, but he’s quickly let on and allowed to sit with me, told that as long as he’s quiet, things will be fine. A couple of partygoers stand outside and gawk, and an adult that I can only assume to be Ned’s mother speaks to a responder on the scene. Tsubame doesn’t pay attention to any of this, though, phasing through to the back of the ambulance, watching me. I think I remember being in the ambulance, but Tsubame’s memory of it is still new to me, as the full knowledge of what was going on is now finally being pieced together for me.

Tsubame doesn’t show me any more of that, but instead what might’ve been half an hour later, or perhaps two whole hours; it’s definitively dark by that point, but it’s still clear that the memory is of the same night as before. The image now is of the inside of a car, parked outside on the street. Tsubame hasn’t been able to follow Justin close behind, for fear of being seen by him, but she sits mostly through the back of the backseat, where Tabby is cuddled up against Liam’s side, clearly in pain. Tabby clutches at her stomach and leans on her boyfriend for support, even as he’s barely paying attention to her, instead looking outside.

Justin can be seen there, out the front of one of those older estates backing up onto the hill, near the old school that Tabby was kept in for at least some period of time. He circles the back of the house and then disappears; Liam relaxes back in his seat and looks over at Tabby, who sits silently.

We can still go back, she suggests quietly, barely more than a whisper. I know he said we can’t leave without him, but we don’t actually have to listen. I get the feeling he’s... not the best person to have around.

Don’t say that, Liam responds with a twinge of annoyance. He’s right, we do need him. We can’t just run off and leave everything behind.

I know that. I don’t want to run off and leave everything behind. I don’t want to leave Zoe behind, or Chris, or my parents, or any of my friends. Tabby whispers this like it’s a shameful confession, and Liam quietly shakes his head in response. Tabby continues. But I think we... we could, you know. If I could just call Zoe and tell him where I’m going, he could tell everyone else, and then...

Justin wanted Zoe dead, you know, Liam tells her, not knowing that Justin lied to him. Tabby bristles, clutching closer to his shoulder as he speaks. He wouldn’t tell me why, though.

Why would you want to run away with him, Liam? I get wanting to start over, I do, but why Justin? she asks in desperation, pleading an answer from him.

He’s my brother, Liam answers as though that’s justification in and of itself. He shrugs. "It was his idea, and he is right, we can’t do it without him. I just... Liam looks out of the window as a single drop of rain hits the glass, the first of a gentle shower. I don’t like life as it is. School sucks, it’s boring, the people suck, the future sucks. I wanna start again."

Tabby nods, burying her face in his shoulder. She doesn’t reject what he’s saying, and if I’m entirely honest, I can’t either. I can get where he’s coming from, if not personally connect with it.

And besides, I... Liam stops for a moment, raising a hand to his lips as though he’s afraid he might cry. I’ve done some shitty things in this town and running away would be better than sticking around to deal with them.

Shitty things? Tabby asks, rightfully confused. Her gentle words push him to answer, but not so much so that he feels forced to do so. Tabby’s good like that, at knowing people and where their boundaries lay.

Just... I don’t want to even think about it. I wanna get better, I do. I was going to do it again tonight, god damnit, I was going to hurt you too, I was going to hurt you. Liam suddenly rubs at his eyes, and Tabby looks at him with alarm, leaning up to wipe at growing tears.

You weren’t going to hurt me, she contests, unaware of what he’s talking about; but I know. Tsubame knew, and even if she didn’t, I already did. Liam’s plan for the night was supposed to be raping Tabby. That was what it was.

You don’t understand, Liam mutters, refusing to look at her and instead outside at the rain. I’m a shit person, and I know it, but I keep doing the shit anyway. Justin tries to tell me I’m not shit but I’m shit. He might be crying or he might not; his voice certainly sounds like it. I don’t want to be shit.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, but if it helps, it seems like you know what you don’t want to do, so you can stop doing it, right? Tabby tries, floundering without the information to know what’s going on. I never thought I’d see something genuine from Liam, some real sort of regret for his actions; I’ve seen grief, but regret is new, and I’m beginning to think that, were he not influenced by Justin, things might’ve turned out differently