Towboats to Taiwan: 50 Stories From Half a Life

By Jude Cossey

From three summers at Yellowstone National Park to eating chicken rectum and fixing his own teeth, Jude recounts fifty notable places and events in his life. Organized by category rather than time, this book can be read in any order at your leisure. Jude has also done all the artwork, including unique drawings for each chapter.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jul 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781387804672

Book preview

Towboats to Taiwan: 50 Stories From Half a Life

written and illustrated by

Jude Cossey

2022

Introduction

Growing up, I didn't exactly read. I browsed. Atlases, almanacs, travel guides. Turn to any page for a new story of facts and tales. That's the way I present this book. It's grouped into four subjects; chapters can be read in any order.

The title says Half a Life for two reasons. One, I'm 39 years old and hope to live at least 39 more. Two, half of my life has been omitted. When writing this book it became clear that some things wouldn't work as chapters. I spent years at mundane jobs and tried countless hobbies and projects. And some of the best times have simply been enjoying life with friends and family.

I owe a lot to the authors and creators I know personally whose efforts have been of great influence: Josh Nealis of Cutthroat Comics, Darren Grant, Jon Renzella, Seth Porinsky, Grayson McKee, and Benjamin Martinson.

Dedicated to Roger Jenot

Thank you for asking me to write this.

Chapter List:

Experiences and Culture:

  1-The Red Carpet to Cheap Beer

  2-Not a British Frontman

  3-You Like Magazines, Man?

  4-Death and Strippers

  5-Buffalo Chips

  6-Cram School and Regular School

  7-What It's Like in Taiwan

  8-Oblivious to Homer Simpson

  9-Pura Vida

  10-Department Store Nobility

  11-Musical Trash

  12-Kairos

Amazing Places

  13-KTV

  14-Scottish Landscape

  15-Hike to the Mushrooms

  16-Zakopane

  17-Morning Markets

  18-Night Markets

  19-Church of Salt

  20-The Lalu

  21-Yellowstone Hotels

  22-Three-Hour Motels

  23-Massive Church, Massive Castle

  24-Avalanche Peak

  25-The Dome and the Casino

  26-Asean Square

  27-Remember You Will Die

  28-Giants and Newspapers

  29-Phoenix Hill Tavern

Violence and Adversity

  30-A String of Ordeals-Part One

  31-A String of Ordeals-Part Two

  32-DIY Dentistry

  33-Employee Saves a Life

  34-Six-String Cockroach

  35-Kick to the Ulna

  36-Necromorons

  37-9/11

  38-We Can Pants If We Want To

  39-Bloody Freakout Proximity

The Joys of Employment

  40-I Don't Want Dysentery

  41-Scary-Go-Round

  42-Wax On, Wax Off

  43-Pizza and Trees

  44-The Million Dollar Piece O' Garbage

  45-Thankless Job

  46-Paperboy

  47-Teat of Sustenance

  48-Entomological Hand Signals

  49-Whisky Teacher

  50-Man VS 13,000 Tons

1 - The Red Carpet to Cheap Beer

I arrive at 9pm with some cold cans, approaching the Emperor Building Complex. A doorman smiles and opens one of the massive double doors. My footsteps echo in the cavernous foyer that could fit five tennis courts. There is a bistro, a sunken lounge, and a sprawling sculpture of chainmail armor.

The marble reception desk is staffed by two women in business attire. I say my friend's name and apartment number. A quick call later, they gesture to me to sit and I step into the alcove of sofas and tables. There are books nobody reads. Flared napkins nobody uses. Lots of charcoal-colored pillows.

A new suit approaches from far across the foyer. She tells me to follow. Halfway down, she taps her card on the glass. Six 30-story buildings enclose the central courtyard pool, with islands of palms and flowers. Gas-lit torches flicker off the water on either side of the path. We walk by seating areas that recess into the pool. The dim light is just enough to see. The Emperor Complex evokes the serenity of the Lalu Resort. In fact, the same company built both.

We enter another secure access to my friend's building. It has its own lobby furnished with black leather sofas, fine art, and more marble. The woman calls the elevator. We step in and I make short conversation until we rise to the desired floor. She motions to the left. I ring the doorbell, although the door is slightly ajar. My friend's yell relaxes the formality: Coooome iiiiiiiin!! I enter with the beer as the attendant departs. 

The staff spent five minutes of paid time to personally usher me through a labyrinth of opulence to go drink some beer. And they did this every time