Structural Strain: Structural Integrity, #2

By Tabitha O'Connell

After realizing how badly he was failing his partner, Yaan promised to do better. Being open and vulnerable with Kel isn't exactly easy, but it's worth it for the closeness they now share. Kel, meanwhile, continues to combat his conflict-avoidant nature and be honest about his own wants and needs. The payoff includes not just an increase in affection from Yaan, but also Yaan getting to know his family, and even pledging to help get the old neighborhood theater—the catalyst for their reconciliation—open again.

When Yaan begins noticing other ways the city government he works for has failed its working-class residents, his renewed commitment to Kel leads him to push back against his boss's policies. Kel, however, is concerned Yaan might be taking on too much. When he's proven right, their relationship will be tested anew, as Yaan is forced to decide what really matters to him and Kel must choose how far he's willing to go for Yaan's sake.

 

39,000 words. Content warnings: Alcohol consumption/dependence, classism, implicit sex, suicidal ideation, disassociation, anxiety, depression

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tabitha O'Connell
• Release date: Jun 30, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201052386

Book preview

1

Like a building being constructed around him, Kel’s conclusion had taken shape over several weeks, one brick of realization at a time: Yaan didn’t care about him. He wasn’t a cornerstone in Yaan’s life; he was just a decoration, easy to pause and enjoy for a moment and then forget all about. With the walls of understanding hemming him in, he’d finally collected the pieces of his shattered dignity and walked out the door. Figuratively and literally. It had hurt so much to tell his family they’d been right.

But. Against all odds, Yaan had abandoned his responsibilities and tracked Kel down, appearing at his door to, of all things, apologize. And now Yaan stood in the street cupping Kel’s face in his hands, kissing him softly, sweetly, just like Kel had always longed for. His words echoed in Kel’s mind. You had every right to feel the way you did. I’m sorry. I want to make you as happy as you make me. Every kiss was a promise.

Kel lifted his hands to rest on Yaan’s waist. He kissed Yaan back until he found his eyes welling up with tears. That everything he’d been through, all the hurt and doubt, had led to this moment…

You mean it, he whispered, before flinging his arms around Yaan, holding him close and resting his head on Yaan’s shoulder. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world to have Yaan holding him in return.

* * *

We should… go, I guess, Kel murmured finally, and Yaan blinked his eyes open, returning to the dark street as if from a dream. With a slight laugh, he drew back enough to meet Kel’s eyes.

Right. Yes. Um, back to the Complex, you mean?

Kel’s fingers tapped against Yaan’s shoulder. Well. I don’t want to just vanish on my family, and it’s a bit far to walk right now… What would you say to spending the night with them?

Yaan’s breath caught in his throat, and it took him a moment to let it out. Is there… room? he finally asked.

Kel grinned and poked him in the side. There used to be seven of us living there. There’s always room.

Yaan wasn’t sure about that—as far as he could tell, there were only two bedrooms—but Kel was right about the walk. They would have to be up early tomorrow so he could make it back to the Complex on time, but that probably wouldn’t be difficult; he was unlikely to get much sleep in a strange place, with strange people only a room or two away. Especially when said people would very likely be resenting his invasion of their home.

All right, he finally answered. Sure. Yeah. Why not?

Kel’s hand slipped into his as they walked back together, and Yaan relaxed slightly. There was comfort in the silence of having nothing left unsaid.

When they stepped into the main room, everyone was right where they had been, faces all turned toward them. Kel’s shorter mum, the one with a glare that could chill you to the bone even on the hottest summer day, dropped her gaze to their clasped hands.

Hi, Kel said. We’re back. And, um, would it be okay if we both stayed the night?

This silence threatened to crush Yaan with its weight. Finally, Kel’s other mum broke it. Sure. Of course. She shot a significant look at her partner. Right, Var?

Sure, the icy one—Vari—echoed, but it sounded almost like a threat. I guess we’ll put the girls in our room… She disappeared through the closest door. Kel’s sisters still just watched, the older one glancing away when Yaan’s eyes inadvertently met hers.

So, everything’s sorted out? The remaining woman glanced between Yaan and Kel. Sarrin, Yaan’s mind supplied, remembering the name from the documents he’d used to locate Kel’s home. Kel’s features were echoed in the roundness of her face, the shape of her nose.

Yeah. Everything’s good. Kel turned to beam at Yaan, and Yaan managed to squeeze his hand slightly.

All right. She shrugged and resumed knitting.

Kel, we need to finish the game. The younger sister patted the floor next to her.

"You waited for me? You should have started over."

But I’m winning!

Kel sighed, then laughed, and pulled Yaan with him toward the fireplace. As Kel settled on the floor, Yaan was left standing above him. For a long moment he remained frozen, not knowing what to do with himself, wishing he could evaporate and remove his awkward presence from the room. Finally he perched on the edge of Vari’s recently-vacated chair. He would give it up when she returned. If he’d been a better person, he would have offered to help with whatever preparations she was making, but he couldn’t bring himself to move again, to rise and speak and draw everyone’s attention.

He watched the game, listening to the sibling banter and playful bickering, and stole glances around the room. Plain, simple, but comfortable, with some pencil sketches tacked to the walls, a vase of dried flowers on the mantel. A table was squeezed into one shadowed corner, covered with stacks of paper and several tools. He’d have to ask Kel about that later. Along with all the other things he’d never thought to ask about before.

When Vari emerged with an armful of bedding, Sarrin got to her feet and said, Oh, let me help, and the two vanished into the other bedroom. The murmur of their voices began immediately from behind the closed door, too quiet to understand.

Hey, so you all haven’t ever actually met, have you? Kel set down his cards, looking from the two sisters to Yaan.

Kel, don’t leave them face-up! I don’t want to win by cheating!

Sorry! Kel flipped the cards over and then stood, resting a hand on Yaan’s shoulder. Yaan, meet Trayna and Beni. He pointed to each of them as he spoke their names. Trayna and Beni, Yaan.

Nice to meet you. Beni, the older one, offered him a soft smile, and Trayna lifted her hand in a wave.

Uh, same to both of you. Thanks for, uh, letting me stay in your room.

Not like they asked us, Trayna muttered, and Kel kicked her knee lightly. Ow!

Come on, let’s finish the game. Kel sat again, shifting to lean back against Yaan’s leg. Yaan wanted to run his fingers through Kel’s hair, but couldn’t bring himself to do it in front of an audience.

All right. The door behind them opened, and Vari strode out. Girls, you’re with us tonight. No complaining, she said, raising a hand as Trayna started to speak. It’s just one night. Boys? She made eye contact first with Kel, then with Yaan, and if Yaan hadn’t felt like a boy before, he certainly did now. Keep it down in there.

Yaan dropped his eyes as his face went hot. He thought he heard Beni stifle a giggle, and Trayna whispered, "Eww!"

Will do, Kel said brightly, easily. Thanks for letting us stay.

Trayna finally secured her victory, and then the two parents herded her and Beni off to bed, even though Trayna had begged for one more round with Yaan included.

Goodnight, Kel called after them as they all disappeared through the door. He stood, stretching, then reached out a hand to pull Yaan up. They’ll warm up to you, he said, voice lowered but still sounding entirely confident. It won’t take long.

If you say so. I mean, I understand…

No, they will. Don’t worry.

It was an impossible directive to follow, but Kel meant well, and that was what mattered.

Come on. Kel started across the room. I’ll show you the privy.

Yaan had almost forgotten privies existed after having indoor plumbing for so long. With a lantern held aloft, Kel led him through the kitchen, out the house’s back door and into a small yard—which Kel’s family apparently shared with whoever lived on the floor above them—where a wooden shack stood in one of the far corners.

The stars are nice tonight, Kel remarked from outside as Yaan emptied his bladder. And while Kel took his turn, Yaan looked up and found that he was right.

Once back inside they ensconced themselves in the girls’ bedroom. We all slept in here growing up, Kel explained as he kicked off his shoes. It was only all five at once for a few years, though, because the babies always slept with Sar and Var, and then our oldest sib moved out.

The room contained a chest of drawers, a washstand, and two beds, both big enough to comfortably fit two adults; perhaps, as children, having three to a bed hadn’t been too bad.

Did you all… get along?

Oh, of course not. Kel laughed. But we still had fun.

Yaan had no siblings; apparently his ren had incurred an injury during his birth that made it impossible for em to bear more children. He didn’t know how his parents had felt about that. As a child he’d had his own room, tiny though it was, with barely enough space to stand next to the bed.

You must be tired. Kel gave him a sympathetic look, and Yaan realized he had been simply staring.

Yes, he admitted, sinking down onto the bed that hadn’t been denuded of pillows and blankets. The quilt on top was worn but soft, a pale shade of blue in the lamplight. It didn’t feel real that he had woken up in his Complex apartment this morning, alone.

Here, let me… Kel crouched and began to unlace one of Yaan’s boots.

Oh, you don’t—

I want to. Kel smiled up at him, and it wasn’t right that after everything, Kel was kneeling at his feet, helping him. It wasn’t right, but Kel was doing it anyway. Yaan’s eyes almost welled with tears again.

Lamp blown out, they settled beneath the covers. Yaan lay still on his back, processing the unfamiliar smell of someone else’s slept-in sheets, the uneven lumpiness of the mattress, until Kel snuggled against his side. Some of Yaan’s tension melted away, and he pulled his trapped arm free to finally stroke Kel’s hair.

After a time, when Yaan thought Kel had fallen asleep, his whispered voice rose from the darkness. Would you—kiss me again?

Yaan shifted onto his side, bringing his face even with Kel’s. Their lips met softly, and he lifted his free hand to brush his thumb over Kel’s smooth cheek. Kel’s hand slid to his back, holding him, and they stayed like that and just kissed, Yaan letting himself sink into the moment, not initiating anything more—and Vari’s warning wasn’t the only reason.

2

As the clock ticked closer to Yaan’s return the next day, Kel was oddly restless. He’d walked Yaan back to the Complex that morning, the two of them slipping away while his family still slept. After Yaan had hastened off to work, Kel had enjoyed a long, hot bath before returning to his family’s to give them a proper explanation. On his way back again, he’d stopped at a wine shop and bought a bottle for Yaan. Paid for with one of the notes Yaan had given him, but still. He’d felt compelled to do something to mark their fresh start, to show Yaan how happy he was.

An undercurrent of nervousness ran through him as well, though. Because dramatic declarations were all well and good, but this was the true test, wasn’t it? Back in their home, back to their normal routine, all of Yaan’s stressors still present… It was easy to imagine them sliding back into the way things had been.

He was curled on the couch with his chest wrap comfortably loosened, attempting, unsuccessfully as ever, to solve the wooden puzzle box Yaan kept lying around, when Yaan arrived. Exhaustion was written on his face as usual, but