Paul Lafferty

By Paul Lafferty

“When I first met Laff he couldn’t trap a bag of cement!
A great mate for many years and this hysterical read
perfectly captures his great sense of humour
and tremendous story-telling ability.”

Mick Channon
(Southampton FC and England)

“Laff has always been one of the true characters of the game.
This book is well overdue. Well done to all involved.”

Clive Barker
(former Bafana Bafana coach)

“My league-winning teammate and life-long friend.
I always knew this book would be on his radar.
A truly amusing read that had me in stitches.”

Neil Tovey
(former Bafana Bafana captain)

“Laff, reading these anecdotes I laughed so loud, my dog peed himself.”

Dale Howes

• Language: English
• Publisher: Paul Lafferty
• Release date: Apr 21, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005520700

Book preview

Acknowledgements

This book would not have been possible without great support from many friends and advisers, and I am hugely appreciative of their assistance.

Michel Nairac, CEO of Gold Circle, for the kind use of his boardroom, the endless supply of Boudoir biscuits, and his engaging football banter.

Roy Waugh for his fantastic humour and zany inflection in the proofreading process. 

Grant ‘Cro’ Croshaw for his immense contribution in helping craft the original Facebook posts that were the very foundation of this book, and for his ongoing support of the entire process through to publication.

Alex ‘Budgie’ Byrne, a man gifted with exceptional powers of recollection, for his invaluable input, guidance, and assistance.

Dereck Ramsay for his much-appreciated involvement in compiling the original manuscript.

The numerous footballers, officials and referees who gave generously of their time and contributed hugely to the book’s narrative - Richie Michael, Bobby Lamont, Harold Rencken, Rory Murphy, Dale Otto, Steve Viljoen, Angus Napier, Johnny Louch, Robbie Martin, Enzo Coppola, Bobby Deutschmann, Garth Whitehead, Phil Precious, Steve Gouws, Shane Botha, Lance Horsman, Graham Barrie, Mike McGeever, Ernie Rodrigues,  Gordon Igesund, Alan Fisher, Robbie Burns, Jeff Christianson, Kevin Nel, Clinton Price, Michael Marinkowitz, Greg Diana, Sid Cunha, Peter Lafferty, Dennis Wicks, Mervyn Hauptfleisch, Cecil Jooste, Valerio Chella, Mike Makaab, Gavin Heron, Mark Nash, Andre Kerdarchi, Brendon Tarpey, Paul Osborne, Greg Baverstock, Steve Baverstock, Gavin Radford, Reggie Horne, Hugh Mathie, Ernie Wallace, Kevin Mudie, Trevor Varkevisser, Glen Smith, Tommy McNaughton, Mike Edwards, John Taylor, Grant Johnson, Barry Ebbing, Andy Kunz, George Dearnley and Brian King.

To those footballers flung far and wide across the globe who contributed telephonically - Billie King, Hugh McBean, Ian Laurie, Peter Rae, Mark Wood, Dave Lavarack, Trevor Denman, Kenny Knowles and Johnny McGregor. 

Lastly and most importantly to my good mate Gary Green, aka Decoy Doug, allrounder extraordinaire, for his experience, guidance, and effort without which this book would not have been possible.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements

Foreword

1. Stella (Is a Girl’s Name)

2. Umbilo (Slumbilo)

3. Escombe (The Boys from the ‘Burra)

4. Hillary (Is Also a Girl’s Name)

5. Fynnland (Rough and Tough and from the Bluff)

6. Bayview (What View of The Bay?)

7. Pinetown (It’s a Fine Town)

8. Virginia (Yet Another Girl’s Name)

9. Parkhill (Not Quite Durban North)

10. Shamrocks (The Not So Irish)

11. Juventus (The Spaghettis)

12. Westville (South Beach Rejects)

13. Coedmore (The Quarrymen)

14. Ramblers - Part 1 (The Owls)

15. Ramblers – Part 2 (The Mayor)

16. Wanderers - Part 1 (Mowat Park Miscreants)

17. Wanderers - Part 2 (The Big W)

18. Morris Vee (On Any Sunday)

19. Stella Over 35’s (The Whacky Wednesdays)

20. The Referees – (Men in Black)

Foreword

Football has been such an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember. I was incredibly fortunate to have played the game for over four decades before I finally hung up my boots. In those forty years, I had the privilege of taking the field both as a paid professional and a passionate amateur. Whilst I am understandably exceptionally proud of the two league winning seasons that I donned the blue and white hoops of Durban City FC, my most endearing and amusing memories of the ‘beautiful game’ stem from my many years participating as an amateur. The old Natal Football Association was a breeding ground for some of the most prodigious talent to come out of the province and was a proverbial springboard to the professional ranks for hundreds of young players of all colours and creeds. But aside from it producing generations of exceptional footballers, it was also the stage for some of the most interesting characters, and larger than life personalities to have ever played the game. Along with my great friends and former team-mates Alex ‘Budgie’ Byrne and Grant ‘Cro’ Croshaw, I recently took a stroll down memory lane and whilst doing so penned these humorous recollections of some of the personalities we played alongside, and some of the friends, adversaries, rivals, and hugely amusing characters that we crossed swords with over the years. Whilst this satirical rewind of my amateur playing days is as comprehensive as I could muster, I do not doubt that there are dozens of players and incidents that I have overlooked in the process, and for that, I apologise without reservation. These are simply the names and stories that I most vividly recall, and any omissions should in no way diminish the contribution made by those that are absent from these pages. Winding back the years with Budgie and Cro was an incredibly amusing and laughter-filled experience and I hope that you will enjoy reading these accounts as much as we had recalling them. A great many of the anecdotes included in this book have become the stuff of urban legend and I do not doubt that to coin a phrase from a Foreigner song, the tales grow taller on down the line. Whilst we have done our best to research the authenticity and veracity of these stories, several decades have passed since these events transpired. We will accordingly humbly request that any embellishments that have been made over the years and any creative licence that has been taken in recounting them, are embraced with the good spirit and humour in which it is intended.

Sadly, some of the exceptional characters that feature on these pages are no longer with us, but they will be remembered fondly and always with the great humour that they brought to the game. As is my wont, many of the players included in this book will be referred to by their nicknames, as this is the way I knew them and will always remember them.

Yours in football,

Laff

Chapter 1

Stella (Is a Girl’s Name)

Stella Football Club were a consistently dominant force in the NFA Premier League for over four decades that spanned the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. Playing out of their Gladwin Park fortress in the leafy Durban suburb of Glenwood, this was an organisation that constantly raised the bar, often out of necessity, given that their beer-guzzling supporters were invariably sprawled across it most of the time. Whilst never failing to impress with dazzling performances on the hallowed turf of Gladwin Park, the post-match piss-ups in the upstairs pub were equally legendary and rivalled the performances on the pitch in both exuberance and volatility.

Always a force to be reckoned with, it can certainly be argued that Stella consistently produced more Natal and Springbok footballers than any other club in the province. Clad in their striking green and gold kit, the Stella players always took to the field with a sense of entitlement and intimidating composure that invariably had the opponents of the day looking as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, occupied by a slurry of drunken Irishmen. Every team that they came up against wanted to beat, or at least take a point off Stella.

My earliest recollections of the club belong to the indomitable Arthur Lightening era when hugely talented players such as Lou Koster RIP, Tony Cargill, the fist wielding Meth brothers, Louis Arde, Lionel Matthysen and Brian Scully strutted their stuff on the Gladwin Park turf. This was certainly a golden era for the club when the trophy cabinet was constantly as full as a tick on a rottweiler. The generation of Stella players that followed was equally dominant and went on to win virtually every major trophy on offer at the time. These line-ups invariably included the likes of Dougie ‘Moggy’ Coetzee, Mike Lunzmann, Gordon Coetzee, Eddie ‘Shoes’ Schroeder, Johnny Forster, Kevin Davidson, Keith Searle, Richie ‘Itchie’ Michael, Paddy Blount RIP, Ian Harvey, Craig Neave and Ken Mobey (who can forget his infamous own goal from the halfway line while playing for Juventus?). These glory years also included a slew of gifted midfielders, many of whom went on to command and dominate the professional ranks. Players such as Craig ‘Zico’ Banfield, Alex ‘Budgie’ Byrne, David ‘Kersh’ Kershaw and Dennis Wesley spring to mind.

Later arrivals to the club during the ’80s and early ’90s included the ilk of the Matthysen brothers - Anthony and Wayne, Bradford Rooks, Percy ‘The Slang’ Dunn, Gary ‘Half’ Halfpenny, Bobby ‘Wombosh’ Deutschmann, Ernie ‘Carlos’ Rodriguez (arguably one of the finest indoor players of his era), Terry Hetem, Gary ‘Decoy Doug’ Green, Steve ‘Shimmy’ Viljoen, Steve ‘Bavers’ Baverstock, Michael McManus, Richard Simpson, Grant ‘Appy’ Fraser, Greg ‘Heppy’ Hepburn, the Roux brothers - ‘Rhubarb’ and ‘Lolly’, and Brad ‘Chunky’ Roberts to name but a few. One of the more colourful arrivals amongst this cohort of players was the iconic Jorge Alves, who if the urban legend is to be believed, took his windsurfer out at Addington Beach on an inclement day and was reportedly rescued two days later marooned on an atoll midway between Mauritius and The Seychelles. The ‘Alves afro’ he sported for much of his playing career was strikingly reminiscent of Durban City legend Rodney Charles, and this along with his outlandish dress sense made him the constant envy of Durban’s burgeoning transgender community. I had some fantastic times with these boys and went on to enjoy a few title-winning seasons playing in the Over 35 League with a great many of them. I will touch on that period later in this book.

Some truly hilarious stories have emerged from Gladwin Park over the years and many of these tales include their enigmatic and somewhat unpredictable goalkeeper, Dougie Coetzee. Dougie was somewhat of a journeyman in both the amateur and professional game, with spells at Stella, Mandene, Natal University, Shamrocks, Parkhill and Juventus in the NFA; and Durban City, Manning Rangers, Amazulu and African Wanderers in the NFL. Many of the stories involving ‘Moggy’, as he was affectionately known by both his teammates and opponents, have become folklore in Durban footballing circles. Although Moggy can still often be heard proclaiming his participative innocence regarding these incidents, the collective memory of his former teammates clearly supports the veracity of these events.

One day whilst playing on the Kingsmead Main against old rivals Umbilo, with Stella leading 1-0 and the clock fast running down to the full-time whistle, Moggy miraculously pulled off what looked to be a game-winning penalty save. In his wild excitement, and clearly in awe of his athletic prowess, he then proceeded to hoof the ball skyward in some form of misguided celebration, sending the leather orb arcing across the park, over the touchline and into the bemused Umbilo supporters gathered in the stands. While his ecstatic Stella teammates were hugging him and congratulating him on securing them two hard-earned points, an Umbilo defender speedily retrieved the ball, took a quick throw-in to one of his midfielders who scurried past a few visibly distracted Stella defenders and slid the ball into the empty net, with Moggy still posing next to his goal with all the aplomb of a peacock, flexing his muscles and having his back slapped. Needless to say, there was not much hugging and black slapping in evidence after the final whistle.

Another unforgettable incident involving Moggy occurred during a game against Wanderers at the old Mowat Park ground. With the game locked at 2-2, Moggy latched onto a back pass from one of his defenders and hearing what he believed to be a whistle from the match referee promptly proceeded to place the ball on the ground to take what was, to his mind, clearly a free kick. As Dougie stepped back for his run-up, the ever-alert Peter ‘Boats’ Botes, realising that what Dougie had actually heard was a whistle from the adjoining hockey field, sauntered up and toe-poked the ball into the empty net to gift Wanderers a 3-2 victory. For the remainder of the encounter and well into the evening, Moggy’s mood resembled that of Pompey manager Harry Rednapp’s after a stray ball hit him on the ‘pip’ whilst conducting a television interview on the Portsmouth training pitch.

The final story in the Dougie trilogy unfolded during a Stella - Marist game on the old Hoy Park pitch. What was already a scrappy encounter, was further compounded but what was possibly the windiest day of the year. With a 30 knot South Wester at his back and the clock rapidly running down, the Marist centre forward launched a proverbial ‘Hail Mary’ long-range shot from well outside the Stella big box. Dougie, in his unequalled wisdom, adjudged that the ball was clearly going over the crossbar and promptly ran around behind the goalposts to catch it. As he stood there with his arms cradled in anticipation, a strong gust of wind caused the ball to dip dramatically and strike the crossbar. This left an unmarked Marist player with an empty net to guide the rebound into, as the somewhat perplexed Dougie stood in frozen pose behind the net looking like a rugby fullback waiting to ‘call a mark’ on a Garyyowen.

Stella was arguably at their competitive best in the late 1980s, with a hugely talented squad that went on to win the 1989 South African Amateur Club Championships under the management of Dave Forsyth. The team’s pre-match warm-ups often included only 10 players, sans left-back Gary ‘Half’ Halfpenny who could invariably be found horizontal on the changeroom therapy table, clad only in his faithful jockstrap, enjoying a full body massage from team masseur Dougie Sheppard. Half would then saunter onto the park as George Cox was about to blow the kick-off whistle, his arms and legs gleaming with cheap massage oil.

Not all the amusing stories involving the lads from Gladwin Park were limited to the field of play and there were many off the pitch incidents, largely attributable to the inevitable post-training and post-match drinking sessions. Steve Viljoen who led the Stella front line with resounding success was affectionately dubbed ‘Shimmy’ by his teammates, supposedly in reference to his apparent ability to effectively ‘shimmy’ past opposition defenders. Shimmy was, and to this day remains, a gregarious, sociable character who at the time was living with his lovely wife Sharon in a block of flats on the Esplanade, a few doors down from that rapacious lothario, Clive Napier. After a Thursday evening training session and subsequent shower, Shimmy and a few of the Stella boys, including Wayne and Ant Matthysen and Gary ‘Decoy Doug’ Green, scuttled off to the prime drinking house of the day, The Warehouse, which was situated in the heart of Durban’s notorious Point Road dockyards. This they did safely in the knowledge that their respective spouses genuinely believed they were participating in Stella’s Thursday night knitting classes and were enjoying a few cups of well-deserved tea while trying desperately not to drop stitches. Post-training outings were mandatory for most amateur clubs and most Tuesday and Thursday evenings, across the greater Durban area, footballers of every shape and size could be found raising a toast to Charles Glass while doing their darndest to impress the local floozies before gravity got the better of their alcohol-laden eyelids. I must note with a sense of disturbing disquiet, that many of my former teammates in fact met their wives in these saloon-type bordellos after anaesthetising them with copious amounts of alcohol. In an Amarula induced stupor, these poor girls would have struggled to