Loveless

By C.L. Matthews

I lie to everyone my entire life.

Hiding.

Lonely.

Loveless.

Then he came along.

The light to reveal me, casting my shadows away.

The partner to be here for me, who never allows me to be lonely again.

The man to prove I'm worthy, promising to show me I'm not loveless after all.

My little prince. 

My savior.

My happy ending. 

Mine.

• Language: English
• Publisher: C.L. Matthews
• Release date: Aug 21, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393494546

C.L. Matthews

C.L. Matthews resides in Utah, the state with the best snow on earth. She is not a fan of the snow but loves her state just the same. She is known for her swag business and creative pieces. C.L. Matthews is a college student, swag maker, and new author, it isn't an easy task but she wants to succeed in many things. Her hobbies consist of crafting, drinking coffee until she can't consume any more, and reading until she falls asleep with books in her lap. C.L. Matthews is married to her childhood best friend, she got her happily ever after.

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© 2020 C.L. Matthews

All Rights Reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, copied or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without written expressed permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is purely coincidental.

Cover Design: Opulent Swag and Designs

The use of actors, artists, movies, TV shows, and song titles/lyrics throughout this book are done so for storytelling purposes and should in no way be seen as advertisement. Trademark names are used in an editorial fashion with no intention of infringement of the respective owner’s trademark.

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Love should never mean

having to live in fear.

-  DaShanne Stokes

To everyone who has suffered through

being forced in a closet no one should have to live in.

Love is love is love.

Chapter One

TEXAS

We all stumble at some point.

That’s not a dance reference but a life one.

Whether you’re rich, somewhere in-between, or like me—dirt poor and homeless—we all experience a low. It may be really shallow and pure squalor, even less than the bottom of the barrel, or just a setback that makes your life temporarily feel unstable. Either way, we all stumble, misstep, or trip at some point.

That’s exactly what has happened to me.

My dad, Bert Silver, a hard-ass for all intents and purposes, is an ex-Navy Commander. He lived his life serving his country and met Mom when he was stationed at Everett. They fell madly in love, but I never experienced that side of him. Not that memories trigger, at least.

Mom died when I was five. Cholangiocarcinoma. A cancer that kills you swiftly from the inside of your liver, swallowing your life wholly.

My mom was our middle ground. She loved me endlessly and made sure I’d never felt alone or helpless. Dad only loved me because she did. Since forever, my dad and I butted heads. I like color. He likes formation. Music is my addiction. Reading the Washington Post is his. Flavor is a necessity, but steak and potatoes could be his singular palette for life. One is up, while the other is down. We never see eye-to-eye, but I did the best I could. The problem is, my best and his best are opposites of one another. Mine is sub-par to his idea of exceptional, which means I’ll never make him truly happy.

I’ve known since I was fifteen that I’m into guys. It was the first time I tried and failed to sleep with a girl. She understood and believed me when I lied about drinking too much. Patty Sinclair, the first and only girl to ever kiss and touch me. Luckily for me, we went to different schools, and I never saw her again, but I will always remember her name, the eyes that seemed to know it all, and the smile she left with.

It wasn’t until today, at twenty-one years of age, that I finally got caught with my pants down.

Literally.

I’d been jerking it to porn on my cell. Nothing abnormal. It’s all I can do being in a small-as-fuck town with as many gay people as there are gas stations. Five. That’s a total of five. There’s no one I could spend time with that won’t get back to my dad somehow. I live at home while going to Valley West University. Living with Dad is all I can afford, and he allows it, claims it’s the only way I won’t be a sad excuse to his name, especially since I didn’t go into the Navy. He wants me to be a huge businessman, while I want to be happy. That’s right... happy. Doesn’t seem so taboo, does it? Well, it is. Happy means being open about my attraction to dicks. In Valley West, dicks are only allowed to be inside pussies. Guess happiness won’t happen after all.

The guy on the screen pounds into another lither one. They’re both athletic and built, just how I like them, but the bottom is smaller like me. There’s something addicting about muscles, wide shoulders, and the sheer voracity of how a man can pound into another’s ass like it’s their last shag. My hand grips my shaft greedily, wishing to be the man taking it, being pushed into like no one else could possibly get the top off like me. Right as I’m about to bust a nut, my dad comes in. I’m so lost in the moment that it takes me a huge breath to grasp the fucking situation I’ve gotten myself into.

The horror on his face only lasts a second before he witnesses the two dudes fucking on my screen. Perfect timing too, the top exclaims, That’s right, you little cumslut. Take my seed.

What the fuck? Dad’s voice booms, and I’ve finally gathered my wits to pull up my boxers. You’re a fucking faggot!

My whole body heats in shame and fear. That vein in his forehead I rarely see pops and pulses along with my raging heart rate, and I’m scared shitless.

Dad—

Don’t. Just get your shit and leave, Texas. Queers aren’t welcome here.

It comes out softer than I expected, almost too calm with a touch of disappointment. He slams the bathroom door as he leaves, and I clean up, shut down my porn app, and get my grab bag.

When you live in a home with a military man, you always have a go-bag. It’s something that holds essentials. Passport. ID. Clothes. First Aid kit. Dad was huge into planning for the end of the world. He even has an underground bunker in the Sevier Mountains a half hour east of our home. It’s just in case.

I grab the picture of my mom and me as a kid, my bottle cap collection from friends that went around the world while I stayed in this Podunk town, and my bag.