The Life You Left Behind: A breathtaking story of love, loss and happiness from Sunday Times bestseller Debbie Howells

By Debbie Howells

‘A warm, uplifting story about love and loss . . . but beware, you'll need a big box of tissues!’ Clare Swatman, author of Before We Grow Old

Two strangers.

One missed flight.

It only takes a moment to change a life.

One year ago Casey Cassidy was happy. She had great friends, a wonderful teaching job and a busy life – until with one missed flight, everything changes.

One year later Casey knows what it means to find that once-in-a-lifetime love people dream of. But when Ben leaves, her heart is shattered.

Left facing a year of firsts without him, piecing her life back together seems impossible. But then a friend offers her a home in rural France.

In the solitude and emptiness, Casey needs to come to terms with what’s happened and find a way to move forward. She has no idea where that will take her one year later...

What readers are saying about The Life You Left Behind:

‘A powerful, emotional, and life-affirming story of love and hope’ Rachael Lucas

‘The writing was INCREDIBLE! I’ve never highlighted so many sections of a book before, but there were just so many beautifully written passages that I knew I indeed to save to come back to' Shan _treatyoshelves_
‘Still crying. I do not think any other book touched me so much’ itsallaboutbooksandmacarons

'I really loved this book. It's one I'll never forget’ coffee.break.book.reviews

'That was absolutely beautiful. Heart-breaking but beautiful’ mrsbookburnee

• Language: English
• Publisher: Boldwood Books
• Release date: Feb 23, 2022
• ISBN: 9781802809961

Debbie Howells

Debbie Howells is a Sunday Times bestseller, who is now fulfilling her dream of writing women’s fiction with Boldwood. She has perviously worked as cabin crew, a flying instructor, and a wedding florist! Now living in the countryside with her partner and Bean the rescued cat, Debbie spends her time writing.

Book preview

1

After

March

---

I know exactly what you’d say if you were sitting next to me.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Not your words – they’re Lao Tzu’s. You loved old wisdom – the way it held true, even hundreds of years later. And you would have loved this journey: the wide, open road ahead of us, the ever-changing landscape, your imagination sparking off in a hundred different directions. Poring excitedly over spread-out maps, you’d have made lists of places to check out, while I’d be thinking about getting my nails done and wondering how many outfits I could cram into a small suitcase.

But adventures were your life-blood – you told me your boyhood tales of climbing and wild camping, gazing at seascapes and skyscapes, riding waves, harnessing the wind. The beaten track wasn’t for you. There are a million other paths, Cassidy, you’d say to me. The same old is never going to take you anywhere new. It was one of a hundred reasons I fell in love with you.

Setting off into the unknown was your best kind of adventure. Leaving space for the unexpected, you always told me, because that’s where the magic happens…

I was cool with that, even though I’m more of a busy airport and crowded flight kind of girl. After all, there’d still be shops and bars and restaurants – everyone knows France is full of them.

Sitting next to me in your faded jeans, a long-sleeved T-shirt under your soft grey jumper, your eyes would have danced as you laughed at me. Paris, maybe, babe. But not where we’re going.

I’d have given you a sideways look, because there was no way there wouldn’t be at least one bar. France was on our list of places to see – you knew about the image I had. Us, sitting outside a bistro with painted shutters and pots of geraniums, elegantly sipping wine and watching the world go by. Rural France was just the beginning. Beyond lay Paris, Bordeaux, the Cote d’Azur; then across the mountains into Spain where there’d be beaches and music and heady nights of dancing under the stars with you.

Holidays are the best of times. Remember that one I was going on with Ellie, the day you and I met? But if we were planning this together, I wouldn’t have cared about bars or restaurants, or the clothes crammed into my suitcase. I would have gone anywhere in the world with just the clothes on my back, as long you were with me.

2

Before

January, last year

---

‘Come on, Casey!’ Sweeping her long red hair over one shoulder, Ellie was getting agitated.

‘We have loads of time,’ I told her. While my friend liked to arrive hours early, I preferred to leave it till the last minute, rather than spend hours in a crowded departure lounge.

‘We don’t,’ Ellie said firmly. ‘You know I want to go to the duty-free shop. And I need books…’

‘You won’t have time to read, Ell. We’ll be too busy.’

‘Not that busy… And I’ll be keeping a firm eye on you, Casey Cassidy. I still can’t believe you snogged that guy on New Year’s Eve.’

I shook my head, regretting for the umpteenth time that I’d told her. ‘You don’t have to announce it to the entire airport! And I can’t believe it either.’ It had been a terrible party and a sleazy guy – there’s nothing like seeing in another year to make you look at your life.

But actually, there was nothing wrong with my life. I had the job I loved in a primary school, my home in my sister Polly’s house, great friends. I had this dream, too, that one day I’d fall in love with the right man, someone with whom I’d have a big, happy, noisy family. Wasn’t that what life was about?

As we hurried through Gatwick airport, Ellie threaded her arm through mine. ‘I can’t wait for us to get there! Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do this?’

‘I think so,’ I reminded her. ‘You may have mentioned it at least fifty times – and that’s since Christmas.’ Ellie’s wanderlust was a standing joke between us.

‘OK,’ she said good-naturedly. It took a lot to rile my friend. ‘It’s just that January is the most depressing month. And work is so bloody full on. Don’t you ever want to stop the treadmill and get off?’

While I was a teacher, Ellie worked for a digital marketing agency. ‘Ellie! We’re young. There’s plenty of time for a quiet life when we’re old and wrinkly. Besides, it’s never going to happen. There’s always too much to do and not enough time!’

‘Way too much, if you ask me.’ She shook her head. ‘I need different, Casey. I want to be zen. Learn yoga. Meditate. Watch sunsets. Let the peace and quiet soak into me.’

‘I don’t think Morocco will be that kind of peaceful.’ At least, I was hoping not. I’d been picturing bustling souks, calls to prayer, and plenty of life. Crowded bars, maybe some harmless flirting if the opportunity presented itself. ‘And not that kind of warm, either – not for watching sunsets. Not in January.’

‘Then I’ll wear a big scarf and a jumper.’ Ellie gave me a withering look. ‘It’s my quest on this holiday to find peace and sunshine.’

As we reached security, she detached her arm from mine, before getting her phone out and scrolling through it for her boarding pass. Fishing in my pocket, I felt for mine, folded where I always put it, inside my passport. I preferred a printed version. Besides, the screen on my phone was cracked and I wasn’t taking any chances. Trying the other pocket, I frowned. ‘Ell, wait. I can’t find my passport.’

Crouching down, I unzipped my cabin bag and started going through my clothes. But as I sat in the middle of the airport, frantically going through my pockets, there was no sign of it. ‘Fuck.’ Sitting among my jumble of clothes, I stared at Ellie. ‘I’ve only done the stupidest thing.’

‘You’d better be kidding.’ A look of panic crossed her face. ‘We don’t have time for this, Casey. We should be through security by now. They’re about to start boarding our flight.’

But as I sat there, my heart was sinking. ‘It isn’t here.’ I’d left my passport at home. I wasn’t going anywhere.

‘Fuck.’ Ellie looked stricken. ‘I can’t go without you.’

‘You have to,’ I said miserably. ‘I’m so sorry, Ell. I’ve really ballsed this up. There’s no point both of us missing the flight.’

Glancing at the departure board, she looked torn. ‘Oh fuck, Casey. What do I do?’

I looked at her. ‘You’d better hurry – or you’ll miss it.’

‘I can’t go without you.’ She hesitated. ‘I’ll stay. We’ll both change our flights.’

I shook my head. ‘No way. I’ll try, but what if there aren’t any? You can’t miss this, Ellie. You’ve been looking forward to it for ages.’

‘I suppose you’re right.’ Sounding reluctant, she leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. ‘But if I’m going to make it, I need to run.’ Picking up her bag, she started jogging towards security, turning briefly to call back to me. ‘Let me know which flight you’ll be on! And I’ll check out a bar for tomorrow night…’

As she disappeared through security, I started squashing everything back into my case, jamming it shut and forcing the zip to close. Then as I got up and started heading for the exit, a feeling of wretchedness descended over me. What an idiot I’d been, not checking I had my passport with me.

As my self-pity grew, behind me I could hear a man’s voice calling out. ‘Hey, wait…’ Footsteps seemed to gather pace, then someone fell into step beside me, holding out something that looked like my makeup bag. I looked at it in surprise. ‘What the…’

‘You left it in the terminal. At least, I guess it’s yours.’ The man sounded bemused.

Taking it, I unzipped it. Yep, definitely my Benefit makeup and Clarins skin serum, none of which was cheap. Turning, I took in the body attached to the hand, then the face, meeting eyes the colour of the ocean, sparkling slightly as they looked at me.

‘Thanks.’ Clamping it under my arm, I turned away. How dare he look amused. Nothing about any of this was remotely funny.

He didn’t take the hint. Walking beside me, he glanced at my case. ‘Been somewhere nice?’

‘Not really.’ I felt myself scowl.

‘Oh. What was it? A business trip?’

In my flowery orange tunic and flared jeans, did I really look like I’d been on a business trip? ‘If you must know, I was going away with my friend. But I left my passport at home, so while she’s about to board a flight to Marrakech, I’m staying here in crappy old England.’

‘Oh.’ The amusement left his face. ‘That’s a bummer.’

‘Actually, it’s worse than a bummer. I’m going to try to change my flight, but because it’s the school holidays, the fares will be exorbitant. So… you can see why I’m pissed off.’ Getting a hold of myself, I turned to look at him again. Suddenly I was mortified that I’d spoken to a stranger that way – particularly a stranger who’d run after me with a pink makeup bag covered in fluffy kittens. ‘I’m so sorry. You’ve been nothing but kind. It just isn’t a good moment. I’ll sort it. Thanks for picking up my makeup bag.’

Walking faster, I headed for the exit.

3

After

March

---

That day, that meeting, was the beginning of us. A moment that was to define the rest of my life in ways I could never have dreamed of. Packing a few last things, I try not to think too much. Looking around what used to be our bedroom, I pick up the old jumper of yours you were going to throw out, when I hear Ellie let herself in.

I go downstairs, carrying the bags. ‘Hi.’ I drop them by the door.

‘Hey…’ Her green eyes look worriedly into mine. ‘How’s it going?’

‘OK.’ I shrug. ‘I’m just wondering what I’ve forgotten. We both know how that one goes.’ I’m good at forgetting things, as you know. Jackets, purses – even passports.

‘Passport?’ Ellie says, on cue.

I nod towards the table where my car keys are positioned on top of it. ‘Not taking any chances.’

‘What about the rest of Ben’s stuff?’

‘There isn’t much,’ I say shortly. ‘Most of it’s at his parents’ house.’

‘Well, that’s something.’ Ellie sounds relieved, then the anxious look is back. ‘I know it’s good you’re getting away – and Kevin says the house is really peaceful. But at the same time, I kind of wish you weren’t.’

Kevin’s the friend who came up with the idea of going away for a while, before telling me he had a friend who owned just the place. And though I’m not sure how I feel about peaceful, something has to change. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I try to smile. ‘All I know is, right now, I can’t stay here, Ells.’ Not while I’m still waiting, the knot in my stomach tightening, hoping any moment you’ll walk back in. ‘But you know me. I’m good on my own. And before you know it, I’ll be back.’

‘What I’d like to say to him.’ Ellie’s voice is mutinous.

‘Don’t, Ell.’ There’ll be a time for recriminations, but it isn’t now. I glance at the clock, at the irrepressible constant of time – steadily moving forward when you’d do anything to make it stop. ‘You know how good I am at being late.’

Ellie picks up one of my bags. ‘So, come on! You have a ferry to catch!’

Outside, I lock up the house and load my bags into my car, before saying goodbye to Ellie, while battling sudden, fleeting doubts telling me I shouldn’t be doing this.

‘You need to go.’ Reading my mind, Ellie hugs me again. ‘Keep me posted! And don’t drive too fast… and…’

‘I won’t.’ I hug her back, breathing in her familiar perfume, already missing her.

Getting into my car, I check again that I have my passport. Starting the engine, I pull out, glancing in the rearview mirror to see Ellie still standing there. Lowering the window, I stick my hand out, tooting once.

It’s exciting, babe. An adventure!

The words startle me. It’s exactly what you’d say if you were sitting next to me. I grip the steering wheel more tightly. The last thing I need is my mind playing tricks. You see, I’ve been holding on to this dream that I’ll hear the sound of your key in the lock, you calling out as you come in, telling me there’s been a terrible mistake, your blue eyes earnest. Will I forgive you?

For once, I wish the clichés were true. But there isn’t always a reason why things happen. As for the great healer that time’s supposed to be, I could wait a thousand years but every moment of every day, I will miss you.

I drive on autopilot as the rush hour maelstrom carries me to the outskirts of Portsmouth. Following the signs for the port, I imagine the other drivers on their way home to their happy, uncomplicated lives. Before you and I met, that’s how mine was. I had a job I loved, my friends, and OK, a chaotic social life, but it was fun. I was happy, Ben. Then we met and for a while, I was even happier.

My hands tighten on the steering wheel. We should have been doing this together, but sometimes life takes unexpected twists. Things happen that rock you out of your world. That’s what’s brought me to the docks in Portsmouth on a damp March evening to catch the overnight ferry – another of those firsts I measure my life by now. My first trip away without you.

4

Before

January, last year

---

‘Hey!’ the guy called after me. ‘Wait! I might be able to help.’

Overtaking a group of Chinese tourists wheeling enormous suitcases, I started to walk faster. I was the one who’d left my passport at home. I didn’t need some man I’d never met before offering to help me. But before I could reach the exit, he’d caught me up again.

I frowned. ‘I don’t think so.’

He fell into step beside me. ‘I mean it – with that flight.’ He paused. ‘I’m Ben, by the way.’

I slowed down slightly and my frown deepened. Help me with that flight? Was that a euphemism that even I hadn’t heard of? ‘What do you mean?’ I asked suspiciously.

‘Well, I have a friend who works for one of the airlines. It may come to nothing, but there’s nothing to lose by giving her a call and asking.’ He was remarkably unfazed given how narked I was.

Oh. Right. I got it. A girlfriend. So why was he chatting me up?

‘Why don’t I buy you a coffee?’ He paused again, before adding more pointedly, ‘If you’re not in too much of a hurry? And I’ll call my friend.’

I hesitated, still not sure why a total stranger would go out of his way for me. But as I looked at him, there was just something about him. Against my better judgement, I felt myself waver. ‘OK.’

He nodded towards the coffee bar by the exit. ‘How about there?’

Reaching the table, I pulled out a chair, suddenly grateful to be sitting down.

Ben stood there. ‘How d’you like your coffee?’

‘Black. Thanks.’

As he walked away, I opened a message from Ellie.

I’ve just boarded. Hope you’re OK. Let me know when you’ve booked a flight xxx

After messaging her that I was already working on it, I logged in to the airport Wi-Fi and started googling flights to Marrakech tomorrow, but as I scrolled through the availability, my heart was sinking. There was only one flight that had seats left and the price was ludicrous.

Seeing Ben come back, I put my phone down. ‘I’ve checked tomorrow’s flights. The prices are outrageous.’ I tried to mask my disappointment, but I was gutted. ‘I guess I’m going to be staying at home.’

‘All is not lost – yet.’ Putting the tray down, he sat opposite me and passed me one of the cups before getting his phone out. After scrolling through his contacts, he made a call. ‘Hi. Look, I wanted to ask you a favour. I’m with a friend who’s just missed her flight to Marrakech. She’s checked to see what’s available tomorrow, but the prices are crazy. It’s a long shot, but you know you got me that cheap flight to New York last summer? I just wondered if there was any chance you could help.’

All the time he was speaking, his eyes were lingering on me. Then putting his hand over the phone, he muttered, ‘I don’t even know your name.’

‘Casey Cassidy.’

‘Casey Cassidy,’ Ben repeated into his phone. Then, ‘Yes, she’s a friend.’ His eyes were still fixed on mine.

As he spoke, I shook myself. What on earth was happening to me? I didn’t need a stranger sorting my problems out. He was quiet again, then those deep blue eyes swivelled back to mine. ‘She’s asking if you have a valid UK passport.’

As I nodded, I suddenly forgot about the missed flight, about Ellie going to Marrakech without me. Logic had gone out of the window. Instead, as I looked at him, I knew I’d met someone special. Watching him speak, I took in the faded tan, the faint scar on his jaw, the well-worn cotton shirt under a distressed jacket, the way he listened, because these days, so many people don’t.

He put his mobile down. ‘Well.’ He looked pleased. ‘Lexie’s booking you on a flight tomorrow. You’ll be on standby, but she checked the loads and there are five spare seats. With any luck, you’ll be in one of them.’

Opening and closing my mouth, I managed to stop myself saying ‘fuck’ in the nick of time. ‘Thank you. So much.’ I shook my head, dumbfounded. ‘I can’t believe you’ve done this. Please say thank you to Lexie. How much do I owe her? Or you?’

He looked evasive. ‘It’s very little – and I’ll sort it out with her. She owed me a favour. She’s going to send me your booking details so that I can forward them to you – if you give me your email?’ He looked at me questioningly. ‘All you need to do is add your passenger information. Then check in back here at six tomorrow morning. If it doesn’t work out, they refund the ticket. All in all, there’s nothing to lose.’

I stared at him, still not sure why he was doing this. ‘You’ve saved my holiday. Honestly, I can’t thank you enough for this.’

‘Well, let’s hope there’s a seat.’ His face lit up in a smile that reached his eyes. ‘But all in a day’s work. You’re welcome.’ He hesitated. ‘Do you need a lift anywhere?’

Suddenly I remembered the missing passport I still needed to retrieve. ‘What time is it now?’

He glanced at his very nice chunky watch that was clearly expensive, but not ostentatious. ‘Nearly five.’

I tried to think. ‘I guess I’ll get a cab home, then another back here for six tomorrow morning…’ Except Ellie and I had already looked into the cost and they were about sixty pounds each way. As it all stacked up, I could feel my heart sinking again. On my teacher’s wage, on top of the holiday itself, I hadn’t budgeted for two taxi fares.

‘Where’s home?’

‘West Sussex. Near Chichester.’

‘Ah.’ He paused. ‘I could give you a lift if you like. And I’m about halfway between the two, if that’s any help? In Midhurst,’ he added. Then seeing my face, he held up both his hands. ‘Listen, I have a spare room and if it would help, you’re welcome to have it for the night. And I’m a perfectly decent law-abiding citizen. Why don’t you text your friend? Tell her where you’re going. And that I’m dropping you back here in the morning to catch your flight.’

This was getting weirder by the minute. I stared at him for a moment, losing myself in his beautiful eyes. I’d only just met him, but the same instincts that generally warned me off men were telling me to trust him. Then common sense kicked in. This was going way too fast. ‘You’ve been so kind, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but we’ve known each other, what – forty minutes?’ I looked at him pointedly.

He looked mortified. ‘You’re absolutely right. Why don’t you find yourself a hotel for the night? Then… I’m happy to drive you home to pick up your passport. And if you don’t have any plans, maybe on the way back I could take you out for dinner?’

Of course I didn’t have plans. I was supposed to be on a plane, remember? But the offer of a lift was hard to turn down. And dinner with him, I could definitely cope with. ‘That would be really nice.’ My heart fluttered as I held his gaze. ‘I might just look at hotels first.’ Picking up my phone, I brought up one of the comparison websites, where there was a room that cost a fraction of two taxi rides. ‘There’s a room at the Premier Inn. Right next to the North Terminal.’ Booking it before someone else did, I instantly felt better.

Ben was already ahead of me. ‘If you like, I could take you over there now, so that you could check in to your room and leave your suitcase?’

‘Can I just text a friend?’ Truth was, I was too used to good-looking men turning out to be complete losers. Ben, however, was fast proving to be the exception to the rule. ‘But if you really don’t mind, thank you.’

Knowing Ellie would soon be airborne, I texted Suki.

Very weird, Sukes. Forgot my passport. Still at the airport, about to get in a strange man’s car to go and get it. He’s a nice strange man obvs. Just so you know in case I’m wrong xxx

As we walked towards the car park, the darkness was broken every so often by the lights of a low-flying aircraft on its final approach. Ben’s car was a big, shiny Hyundai hybrid which, as he unlocked it, he was already apologising about. ‘It’s useful for work. Plus I like climbing and surfing, and I can throw everything I need in the back.’

Wondering what work was and why he was apologising, I watched him lift my case in, suspicious again. ‘So, you haven’t told me why you were here today.’ Dropping off a girlfriend, maybe?

‘I gave my parents a lift. They’re off to the Caribbean for a month. Since Dad retired, they like to make the most of the chance to travel.’ He sounded envious. ‘You said the Premier Inn, didn’t you?’

I nodded. ‘Next to the North Terminal.’ I paused. The idea of a shower and a change of clothes was growing more appealing with each passing minute. But suddenly it seemed an unnecessary detour when I was coming back later on. ‘This is silly. We don’t need to go there first.’ Aware of how much I was putting him out, I shook my head. ‘I’ve already taken up too much of your time. It’s enough that you’re giving me a lift home. You can drop me. I can work it out from there.’

He hesitated. ‘I don’t mind. I don’t have anything planned this evening – I’d kept the day free to see my parents off. And the hotel is only a few minutes away.’

Feeling torn, I hesitated. ‘I feel terrible about putting you to so much trouble. But you know, it would be really good to sort my case out. When I was looking for my passport, I just squashed everything back in. It will only take me five minutes – if you’re sure.’

‘It’s no problem. Really.’

Sitting back, as he started driving, I was silent, slightly mesmerised by a kind of warmth coming from him, the fresh scent of his cologne.

‘Where in Chichester do you live?’

‘Not far from the theatre. It’s actually my sister’s house, but she lives in the States.’ Pulling up outside the hotel, we got out. As he lifted out my case, I made a mental note of the vehicle registration to text Suki.

‘I’ll go and park. Shall I see you in reception when you’re ready? No rush,’ he added. ‘I’ll get a coffee.’

‘Thanks.’ Doing my best to look nonchalant, I wheeled my case towards the tinted glass doors of the hotel, in which I could see Ben’s reflection as he stood by his car. Then they opened to let me through, before closing behind me. When I glanced back, I felt a smile flicker on my lips as I saw him still standing there, watching me.

After checking in at reception, I got in the lift. It was all too bizarre. Firstly, I’d never missed a flight before; not ever, always timing it to perfection for minimal hanging around. Then, secondly, abandoning my precious makeup bag on the airport floor. I’d never done anything like that either. How many people would have walked straight past it? But Ben hadn’t. He’d picked it up and come after me.

As I closed the door into my room, I had a sudden reality check. What if this guy was some kind of psychopath? All this might be an act he’d honed – underneath, he might be completely different. As I took a deep breath, I had a feeling he wasn’t, but the sleazy guy on New Year’s Eve had left me questioning my judgement. After texting Suki the registration number, she got straight back to me.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t!! xx

Slightly relieved, I opened my suitcase, perusing the crumpled contents, hastily hanging some of them up, before jumping into the shower. Brushing my hair into a slightly more restrained state of unruliness, I touched up my makeup before pulling out one of the dresses destined for Morocco. If I was going out for dinner with a good-looking guy, I wasn’t going in my airport-weary jeans. Pulling on black leggings and the boots I’d been wearing earlier, I checked my reflection. Not perfect, but it would do.

Less than ten minutes later, I walked coolly across reception to where Ben was engrossed in reading something on his mobile. ‘Hi.’

‘Hey.’ Looking up, his eyes flickered over me. ‘You look nice.’

‘Thanks.’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘This was the least creased item of my holiday wardrobe.’

There was a look of approval in his eyes as he got up. ‘Shall we go and find your passport?’

As we walked, I couldn’t stop thinking. How was it I’d known this guy less than an hour? It felt so effortless between us.