Is That Your Aunt in the Attic?: Another Edna and Edith Adventure

By Barbara Fletcher and Cheryl Gauthier

From the author of "Is That Your Mother-In-Law under the Bed?" and "Is That Your Cousin in the Closet?" and "Is That Your Neighbor in the Basement?" comes the fourth book in the series featuring Edna and Edith as mischievous senior citizen sleuths. This book was coauthored by Barbara Oliver Fletcher and her daughter Cheryl Nicoll Gauthier.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Book Vine Press
• Release date: Dec 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781956896459

Barbara Fletcher

Barbara Oliver Fletcher was born in Worcester, Massachusetts. She moved to Pacifica, California, where she resided for twenty-four years, and she has lived in Half Moon Bay, California, for the past twenty-three years. A retired travel agent, she enjoys writing, photography, and bingo.

Book preview

Contents

PREFACE

DEDICATION

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 19

PREFACE

Although the names of the characters in this book are fictional, several of the events depicted in this book are based on actual events that occurred in my life, my daughter Cheryl’s life or a family member’s life. We have been blessed with comical and unusual events that seem to happen to us and those who dare to travel with us. And perhaps blessed isn’t exactly fitting, as the word cursed may be the more suitable to describe some of the events. Either way, life has been humorous and eventful, riddled with short stories. There’s never a dull moment!

From the author of Is That Your Mother-In-Law Under The Bed?, Is That Your Cousin In The Closet? and Is That Your Neighbor In The Basement? comes the fourth book of the series featuring those two senior citizen sleuths, Edna and Edith. Once again they prove that age is just a number as they navigate through another adventure, land themselves in hilarious situations, and try to avoid a convicted killer’s hired hitmen. The book was co-authored by Barbara Oliver Fletcher and her daughter Cheryl Nicoll Gauthier.

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to our loyal readers. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it. Thank you for your support.

CHAPTER 1

Escaped convict Luis Gdulinski sat in his hotel room looking out the window at the Chicago skyline. It was a cold, dreary day. He was deep in thought as he reached for the phone and dialed. FBI Agent Keith Arnold answered.

Keith. Luis started. You know who this is.

Are you crazy calling me here? Where the hell are you? Keith asked quietly, almost in a whisper.

I know, I know. I’m not far from you, Keith. I’ve checked into a local hotel here. Luis answered.

Do you think that’s safe?

Why not? They think I’m still in Connecticut. Luis answered. Don’t they?

They have law enforcement crawling all over the country for you. Keith answered quietly. Not just in Connecticut.

Well, they’d never think to look for me right here in Chicago. Luis said. I’m sure they figure I’m far away from this area.

I hope you’re right, Luis. Keith answered nervously as he looked around the office to see if anyone was paying any attention to his suspicious phone conversation. Maybe I’d better take this call in another room. Keith said quietly as he walked down the hall and checked out the lunch room. When he discovered it was empty he entered, closed the door and sat down at a table.

Of course I’m right, Keith. I know what the hell I’m doing! Gdulinski growled. Now, fill me in on them damn sisters. Did my guys get ’em yet?

Nope. Agent Arnold answered as he filled Gdulinski in on the arrest of his two hitmen. Your guys Firpo and Finch are behind bars.

Whaaat? Luis shrieked. What the hell did they do? How did they get caught?

They were driving a stolen car and got pulled over for running a red light and the cop saw a gun lying on the seat.

Those idiots! Luis growled. If you’re going to be driving a fucking stolen car you obey the traffic laws so you don’t draw attention to yourself, and you don’t leave a fucking weapon sitting out in plain sight!

Well I’ve always thought those two were rowing with only one oar in the water. Agent Arnold said with a laugh.

Did the cops find anything to link them to either one of us?

No, not that I know of. Keith answered. From what I understand they just found a file on the sisters and nothing else.

So basically those two idiots are absolutely useless.

Well, they did manage to blow up their office and do a drive-by shooting at their house.

And what exactly did that accomplish? Gdulinksi asked angrily. Were the sisters blown up or even injured?

Nope. The only thing it accomplished was to scare the shit out of them and get them to leave town in a hurry.

Leave town? Where the hell are they, Keith?

I heard they’re leaving for San Francisco sometime this morning. Agent Arnold informed Gdulinski. One of them has a daughter in San Francisco and they’re going to visit her.

I want those sisters dead! Gdulinski growled. I don’t care what it costs! They’re a pain in my ass and they’re really pissing me off!

Well, after the pipe bomb and the shooting at their house they figured it would be in their best interest to get the hell out of town for a while.

Can you find out which hotel they’re staying at in San Francisco? Gdulinski asked.

No. Keith answered. I’m not privy to that information. But I can get the daughter’s address. That’ll probably work just as well.

Well, I’m in no position to leave right now with everyone checking planes and trains, but I do have a contact in San Francisco that can finish the job for me. He owes me and he’s good. He’ll find them and when he does they won’t be needing their return plane ticket unless they’re flying back home in a coffin. Gdulinski growled and then chuckled deviously.

Okay, then. In the meantime I’ll continue trying to find the location of your cousin Joey in the Witness Protection program. Agent Arnold agreed. They’ve made it really tough to find out anything right now since the attempt on his life.

Yeah, I bet they have. Gdulinski agreed. Just find him, Keith! I want him dead, too!

I know, but…………….. Gdulinski slammed the phone down before Keith could even finish the sentence.

CHAPTER 2

Hurry, Edith. The cab will be here any minute, are you ready to go?

Be right there, Edna. I…just….have…..to…..zip……up…..my suitcase. Edith grunted.

What on earth are you doing? Edna asked after hearing Edith’s cryptic outburst.

Can’t…get….it….to…..close. Edith grunted again as she tried to zip her suitcase closed while sitting on top of it.

Hold on Edith, I’ll help you. Edna said as she walked down the hallway to her sister’s room. She found Edith balanced on top of her bulging suitcase. Oh, my God Edith, what in the hell did you pack?

Just….a…..few….things…..I…….need….. Edith grunted again as she tried to keep from falling off of the suitcase.

Edna walked over to the bed and started pulling Edith off the suitcase. Here. Get off a minute. Edna said as she opened the suitcase. Edith! Why on earth do you need this big puffy winter coat? She exclaimed as she pulled the large down coat out of the suitcase.

We’re going to San Francisco, remember? Edith answered as she walked over to Edna and took the coat away from her sister who was about to hang it back in the closet.

Yes, I remember, but again, why are you taking this big coat? Edna asked as she grabbed the coat away from her sister.

"Someone once said, ‘the coldest weather I ever experienced was a vacation in San Francisco’, or something like that, remember?" Edith explained as she grabbed the coat away from Edna and put it back in her suitcase and tried closing the lid.

Yes, I know. But it’s not summer and all you need is a light jacket, just in case, and maybe a sweat shirt. That should be plenty. I’m taking this big coat out. Find a jacket, Edith. Edna said as she removed the coat from the suitcase and walked over to the closet and hung it up.

There are two jackets already in there, Edna, and three sweatshirts. Edith explained as she reluctantly gave in to her sister.

Then you don’t need any more. Edna said as she closed the suitcase, zipped it, and placed it on the floor.

Okay. But if I get cold, it’ll be your fault. Edith complained.

You’ll be fine, Edith. If you get cold I’ll buy you a damned coat! Edna commented as she passed the handle of the suitcase to her sister. Just then they heard a horn blow outside. There’s the cab now. Do you have your airline tickets?

Yes. Edith answered as she picked up her purse and hung it over her shoulder. They’re right in here. She patted her bag then wheeled her suitcase down the hallway to the front door.

Then we’re off to San Francisco. Edna yelled eagerly.

Edna Barnes and Edith Johnson are sisters in their early sixties. For over twenty years they worked in the office of B&E Investigations and eventually married the owners, Bill Barnes and Eric Johnson. Both men have since passed away, but since the sisters also shared the same passion for the investigation field they decided to open their own private investigation company called E&E Investigations. Both Edna and Edith thoroughly enjoy the thrills and excitement that arise from reconnaissance jobs, stakeouts and the occasional uncovering of an unfaithful spouse.

One of their most recent cases arose from walking their dog one evening when they accidently stumbled upon some mobster’s henchmen waiting to execute a hit on a federal witness. The sisters, unaware at the time of what was going on, alerted Edith’s son Eddie of their strange behavior. Eddie, who was recently promoted to Detective with the local Police Department investigated further and discovered that the men in the vehicle were sent to kill the main witness in a federal racketeering trial. The mobster who ordered the hit was Luis Gdulinski and the target was his cousin Joey. With the help of another cousin in the FBI, Gdulinski found out that it was the sisters who had prevented the hit. This infuriated the hell out of him so he added them to the hit list offering a cool half million for their demise. Edith, in addition to her son Eddie also has a daughter Elaine who is married to a brilliant Architect named Carl Stone and they have a pre-teen daughter Elizabeth. When Elizabeth was very young the family relocated to San Francisco for Carl’s work. After several failed attempts on the sisters’ lives, including a pipe bomb thrown into their office and a drive-by shooting at their home, the ladies decided it was time to get the hell out of Dodge for a while and made arrangements to visit Edith’s daughter in San Francisco.

Before leaving the sisters walked around the house checking doors and windows. Edna then set the house alarm, locked the front door and after a quick look around the house the pair walked out to the cab waiting at the curb.

Morning, ladies. The driver said as he opened the trunk and loaded the two suitcases and carry-ons into the trunk. Edna and Edith greeted the cab driver then piled into the back seat. They both looked back at their house as the cab drove away, silently hoping that it would still be there when they returned. Neither of them noticed the black puddle pooling under Edna’s car in the driveway.

This is exciting, isn’t it? Edith yelled anxiously as she buckled her seat belt.

Yes, it is. It doesn’t seem possible that in about four hours we’ll be on the west coast. Edna answered excitedly.

Edith’s phone rang and she answered it. It was Eddie. Are you guys on the way to the airport? He asked.

Yes, we are, dear. What’s up?

Nothing. Just wanted to wish you both a safe trip and tell you I’ll miss you. My life is going to be very boring while you’re gone. Eddie said with a little laugh.

We’ll make up for it when we get back, dear. Edith said as she laughed. If not sooner.

I’m sure you will, Mother, but let’s make it later, okay? Eddie laughed. Say goodbye to Edna for me and call me when you arrive.

Will do, dear. Bye. Edith said as she hung up the phone. Eddie said goodbye, Edna.

Okay. Bye Eddie. Edna answered.

The sisters sat silently looking out the window. They were both deep in thought about past events and in anticipation of the trip before them. Edith got comfortable and laid her head back against the seat. Within minutes she was snoring up a storm.

That woman could fall asleep running to catch a bus. Edna murmured quietly to herself.

Edna laid her head back against the seat but there was no way that she was going to doze off with the past few days’ events going through her mind. I’ll just rest my eyes.

A few minutes later a loud call on the cab driver’s radio woke Edith and she sat up and looked around. Where are we? Are we almost there? She asked as she stretched her arms.

Yeah. We’re almost to the airport. Edna answered.

Wish I could have caught a little catnip before we get to the airport. Edna laughed. Yeah, right.

There’s a sign for the airport, Edna. We must be almost there.

Yup. Pretty close.

I just hope the repairs to our office and house will be finished by the time we get back. Edith said as she continued watching the scenery fly by. Seven days really isn’t that much time.

They assured us that the work would be finished. Edna answered. Well, I hope so.

I still can’t believe that someone threw a pipe bomb through the plate glass window of our office. Edna said. Thank God nobody was hurt and that Eddie was there when it happened!

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, they then riddled our house with bullets. Edith added as she shook her head in disbelief. They obviously mean business.

I can’t help but wonder what’s next!

I don’t even want to think about it. Edith said as she shivered from the thought.

The conversation between the two women caught the cab driver’s attention as he wheeled his taxi through the Chicago traffic. He found himself wondering what he had gotten himself into when he picked up the two sisters. He noticed them paying significant attention to everything around them, especially behind them which led him to start doing the same. I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, ladies. Should I be watching out for someone or something?

Oh. Edna answered. I guess we were talking a little too loud. Sorry.

No problem. The driver answered as he looked at them in his rear view mirror. I just don’t want any surprises.

Yeah. We’re not crazy about surprises either. Edith added. So……….someone actually blew up your office? The driver asked nervously.

Yup. Edna confirmed as she continued looking around.

Wow. You must have really pissed someone off! The driver added sounding alarmed as he wiped away a bead of sweat as it trickled from his forehead.

Seems that way. Edith agreed.

What the hell did you do? The driver asked as he continued to look around nervously.

We just happened to interfere with a murder. Edna answered nonchalantly. Nothing major and now they want us dead.

Look, ladies. I’m married and have four kids. I don’t want to get involved in any of your drama. I’m just a cab driver trying to support my family. The sooner you’re out of my cab the happier I’ll be. He exclaimed as he floored the gas pedal and started zig zagging through traffic. Edna and Edith looked at each other then held on tightly as they were thrown back and forth at high rates of speed.

They arrived at the airport a few minutes later, a little over an hour before their flight departed. The driver nervously jumped out of the cab and slammed the door. He walked quickly to the back of the vehicle to retrieve the luggage from the trunk all while checking everything and everyone around him. He couldn’t get rid of Edna and Edith fast enough. The sisters climbed out of the back seat, closed the doors, and walked to the rear of the car. The driver, checking all his pockets caught Edna’s attention. She watched him as he sprinted back over to the driver’s side door and cupped his hands around his eyes and peered through the window. He cursed loudly when he saw the keys dangling in the ignition. He was nervous and clearly agitated in his quest to rid himself of the two sisters who had become targets on a madman’s hit list.

I don’t need this shit. He grumbled. Why me? I’m just a cab driver trying to make a living here.

Is something wrong? Edna asked the driver as she noticed a slight look of panic coming over his face.

Yeah. It seems that all the doors are locked and I left the keys hanging in the ignition. He answered as he peered into the front window again.

I can see your dilemma, sir, but we have a flight to catch. So if you’ll just give us our luggage we’ll be on our way. Edna stated.

That’s the problem. The cab driver answered angrily. I need the keys to the trunk to get to your luggage.

What? Now what? Edith asked nervously. Don’t you have another set? Or a crowbar?

No, I don’t. The driver answered as he looked along the long line of cabs waiting at the curb. Believe it or not, ladies, this is not a common problem. You’ve made me so damned nervous with your conversation that in my haste to get you out of the cab I forgot to grab the keys. He said as he started walking quickly down the line of cabs.

Where are you going? Our flight leaves in an hour and ten minutes. How are we going to get our luggage? Edna yelled to the cab driver as she watched him walk away.

I don’t know. He yelled back as he continued walking away. He quickly walked down the line of cabs waiting at the curb until he found another cab from his company and told the driver what had happened. He got into that cab and yelled to the sisters that he was going to get another set of keys and would be back shortly as they drove away.

What is shortly? Edna yelled to no avail. Shit! This is just great! Now what are we going to do? We may just end up missing our flight.

Oh well, if we do, we do. It is what it is. There are other flights to San Francisco. Edith said as she tried to calm down her sister.

I suppose. But what are we supposed to do until he gets back? Edna grumbled in true Edna fashion.

Just sit and wait, I guess.

They spotted a bench nearby and walked over and sat down. A few moments later an airport police officer approached them. This cab has been sitting here too long. He said as he peered through the window. Is there a problem?

Yes, there is, officer. Edith answered. The cab driver accidently locked the keys in the ignition and our luggage is locked in the trunk. The driver has gone back to the main office to get another set of keys, and our flight leaves in less than an hour.

Well, if he’s not back within fifteen minutes I’m going to have it towed. The officer advised the sisters. I can’t have vehicles just sitting around.

You can’t do that! Edna yelled. Our flight leaves in less than an hour and our luggage is locked in the trunk.

Then you had better hope that driver is back within fifteen minutes, ladies. He said as he walked away.

I’m calling Eddie. Edith said as she dialed the phone. Johnson here. Eddie answered.

Eddie. We have a problem.

Aw, mom, you haven’t even left the state yet and you already have a problem? Eddie moaned as he rolled his eyes.

Yes, we do. Edith answered matter-of-factly.

I’m almost afraid to ask this but what’s up? Eddie groaned. What happened?

We’re at the airport and our luggage is locked in the trunk of the cab. The cab driver has gone back to the main office to get another key and we don’t know how long it will take him and if that’s not bad enough there’s this airport cop who is going to have the cab towed if the driver isn’t back within fifteen minutes. What can we do, Eddie? If they tow the cab we may never see our luggage again! Edith pleaded.

How long ago did the driver leave? Eddie asked. About fifteen or twenty minutes ago.

What’s the name of the cab company and give me the phone number written on the side of the cab.

Edith walked around to the side of the cab and read the phone number off to Eddie.

Let me see what I can do. Eddie said then hung up. What did Eddie say, Edith?

He’s calling the cab company now.

Fifteen minutes went by and the police officer walked back to the ladies. Well, I don’t see the driver and the cab is still sitting here. He grabbed his radio and requested a tow truck to the site.

But if you tow the cab, what are we supposed to do about our luggage? Edith asked the officer.

That’s not my problem, lady. The officer answered arrogantly. I just need this car gone.

But how are we supposed to get our luggage back? Edna asked the officer, clearly agitated.

Better yet, will we ever see it again? Edith added desperately.

He looked at Edna. The answer to question number one is I don’t know. Then he looked at Edith. The answer to question number two is I don’t know. Okay?

No! Edna answered angrily as she walked up close and personal to the cop. It’s not okay!

What are we supposed to do if they tow this cab? Edith asked.

There’s a whole line of cabs waiting here, ladies. He answered as he pointed to the cabs waiting in line. "Just get into one of them and tell the driver to follow that cab. He chuckled after he said it then mumbled to himself, I’ve always wanted to say that."

The cop was still chuckling as he walked away and the ladies angrily watched as a tow truck arrived. They watched the cop as he signaled the driver and pointed to which car was to be towed. The tow truck pulled up in front of the cab and started backing up. Beep, beep, beep. Suddenly the cop’s phone rang. He answered. Moments later he signaled to the tow truck driver to stop. He walked over to the driver and spoke to him and then the tow truck drove away.

Wow. Edna said looking surprised. Something happened.

The cop walked over to the ladies. You guys must know people in high places. You can wait for the driver to come back and release your luggage. Then he walked away.

Thank you, officer, for your outstanding assistance! Edna yelled after the officer while giving him the middle finger salute.

Thank you, Eddie! Edith exclaimed as she looked up toward the sky. Edith dialed the phone.

Johnson here.

I don’t know what you did, dear, but everything is okay now. They sent the tow truck away. By the way, what did you do?

It’s a trade secret, Mom. Glad I could help. Gotta go. Have a nice time in California. Love you guys. Then he hung up.

What did he say, Edith? Edna asked her sister as she put her phone away.

He won’t tell me what he did. Said if he tells me he’s going to have to kill me. Edith said as she laughed.

Well, whatever it was he sure saved us a lot of work and time and I sure appreciate that.

Yeah, me too. Edith agreed with a sigh. It’s nice to know people in high places.

The cab driver showed up about twenty minutes later with a set of keys in his hand and unlocked the trunk and removed their luggage. They paid the driver and checked their luggage at the curb and arrived at the gate with just minutes to spare. They boarded the plane, stowed their carry-ons and buckled into their seats. About four hours later they landed in San Francisco where they took a shuttle over to the car rental site. They rented a Chrysler 300 with a GPS and loaded their luggage into the trunk. Edith entered the hotel’s address into the GPS and just as they were ready to drive out of the car lot Edith stopped her.

Wait, Edna. I’m going back inside. I have to pee.

Can’t you just wait until we get to the hotel, Edith?

What if we get lost and it takes longer.

We have a GPS. We won’t get lost.

Then what if there’s an accident and we get stuck behind it.

Okay, Edith! Go pee! Edna yelled. Edith got out of the car and quickly walked back inside. About twenty minutes later she emerged from the building.

What on earth took you so long? Edna complained as Edith opened the car door.

You know there’s always a line for the ladies room, Edna. Edith answered as she scooted in and buckled her seat belt.

But there was nobody in there………

I don’t know what to tell you Edna. Edith interrupted. Is there a particular answer you’re looking for here? If there is, let me check all my pockets and see if I can find it for you.

Edna grumbled something as she drove out of the lot. They arrived at the Algonquin Hotel in San Francisco about half an hour later. They spotted the sign for underground parking for the hotel and pulled in and parked. After they unloaded their luggage from the trunk they took the elevator to the street level where they exited to a large, beautiful lobby with marble floors that glistened in the light and fall flower arrangements on Greek style pillars scattered throughout the lobby. They checked