Hey, Zeus!

By Jared Wynn

Cory knew the world was about to end when a man who looked like Jesus arrived from the eastern sky and crash landed in his backyard. But he wasn't afraid because his father, the Prophet, had predicted that Cory would lead their people through the Apocalypse.
Except it turns out Cory's father wasn't a prophet, he was a used spaceship salesman-turned-con artist from the Sagittarius Cluster. And the man who looked like Jesus was actually an alien named Zeus who came to earth to save Cory before the world got turned over to a species that loved the taste of human flesh. All they have to do is get off-planet before a reptilian bounty hunter catches them. If they succeed, Cory can petition the Galactic Government to spare the people of Earth. If they fail, Cory and everyone else on the planet will be turned into lizard poop.
So it turns out Cory's father had been prophetic about one thing after all: the world was about to end, and only Cory could save it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Easy Wynn Publishing
• Release date: Dec 9, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201158217

Jared Wynn

Jared Wynn spent his formative years in Latin America, Eastern Europe, and the Middle East as an expat and diplomatic dependent. After what felt like several lifetimes overseas, he returned to America to pursue a higher education while bouncing around between odd jobs. To date, he's been a cook, a bouncer, a geophysical technician, a hypnotherapist, a Jujitsu instructor, and a standup comic, all of which he thinks makes him a better writer but which probably just makes him eccentric. He currently resides in Southern California with his wife and three stepkids.

Book preview

Chapter One

Before you wish upon a star, best make sure it’s not falling. That was one of the many cryptic things Cory’s father used to say. Everyone took it to be a metaphor about Lucifer, the morning star who fell from heaven some five thousand years or so ago. Don’t pin your hopes for eternity on the plans of a fallen angel, is what the old man might have said had he spoken literally. But he’d never really been the literal type, and it wasn’t like they could ask him to clarify what he meant anymore.

Cory stood on the edge of the property, staring up into the eastern sky at a star he’d never seen before. It was brighter than the North Star at dawn and getting brighter with each passing second. If he didn’t know any better, he’d wish upon it. On any other day, he’d see such a sight as an omen.

But Cory was beyond symbolism and wishful thinking right now, having awakened just hours ago to the news of his father’s passing. He wasn’t exactly grieving unless grieving was supposed to feel like confusion. His father had been his usual healthy and energetic self while delivering his sermon the night before, in which he prophesied that Cory would take the reins of the church and lead them through the coming Apocalypse. But he’d neglected to mention that Cory’s new calling would start the very next day. 

Yet here he was, wearing his best black suit and wide-brimmed hat, dressed but not yet ready to put his father into the ground and take his place behind the altar. He was going to have to bury his feelings with the old man because he didn’t even have time to mourn, much less prepare himself for the work to follow.

He looked to the west, seeing the old familiar billboard on the hill that the Church spent thousands of hours and probably millions of dollars to maintain. It read, What will you say when Christ returns, next to a portrait of a handsome and smiling Jesus. It used to read, what will you say when Christ comes, but vandals kept spray painting wieners all over it. Nobody could figure out why until one of the aerosol artists replaced ‘comes’ with ‘cums,’ and the Elders caught on to the unintentional entendre.

Cory had actually caught on to it much sooner, but he’d kept that understanding to himself. A knowledge of worldly ways could make your life difficult with these people.

He looked back to the east, where the star was getting bigger. And brighter. His shadow appeared on the dirt path next to him, despite the sun still being below the horizon. Maybe it wasn’t a star, after all, he thought to himself. Maybe it was a sign, God’s way of letting him know he was chosen. Or maybe it was a meteorite.

Maybe he should run.

He started sprinting to the west but realized he hadn’t seen a tail on the thing, which meant it was coming right at him. So he turned off to the south, hoping to get far enough out of its path. He wondered whether he could calculate its path and velocity if he weren’t too busy running. He would have to do it in secret because geometry, like an ejaculation, was one of those worldly things he wasn’t supposed to know about.

In the time it took him to dismiss those thoughts, the unidentified falling object smashed through the billboard and plowed into the earth on the other side of the hill. That same hill where Cory used to play with his childhood sweetheart had now sprouted a plume of smoke that reached up into the sky like the rope on a hangman’s noose. Most of the wreckage of the billboard was on or around the hill, but a few pieces wound up on the dirt road where Cory had stood moments before, including one chunk with the word returns? on it.

Cory’s ears were ringing. He wondered whether anyone back at the compound had heard any of this. If they had, they’d probably tell him to stay away from whatever it was, but only because he wasn’t the prophet yet. If there’s one thing Cory learned from the old man, it’s that leaders don’t listen to naysayers. His father would investigate, and if Cory were to fill the man’s shoes, now was the time for him to put away childish thoughts and start acting like a man.

He was already marching toward the plume of smoke as he finished that thought when all of a sudden, someone came running over the hill from the other side. A head with long, chestnut-brown hair appeared first, followed by a pair of muscular shoulders, the sort one gets from half a lifetime of manual labor. And those shoulders were wearing a robe.

Cory stared in amazement. This was it, the Second Coming, he thought to himself as the rest of the man came into view. Everything about him looked like every painting of Christ that Cory had ever seen, except for one little detail.

In none of those paintings was Christ ever on fire.

Wamu! Jesus shouted while slapping His still-smoldering robe. Eeh, aah, he added while throwing Himself to the ground and rolling around in the dirt. Dagnun mon goort! he exclaimed as He shimmied out of the still-smoldering garment. He was covered in dirt, which was weird, but not as weird as the fact that he had burns all over his arms and legs. Or the way those burns seemed to disappear when he rubbed his hands over them. Or the fact that, even as the burns disappeared, the dirt remained.

Christ looked around Himself at the hill and the debris, and at that moment, it struck Cory that the earth must look utterly alien to Him after two thousand years, judging from the look of awe and excitement on His face. Smiling, Jesus took a deep breath and suddenly scrunched his nose in disgust. Ew, carn tor dama minguk? he asked.

Lord? Cory asked while falling to his knees.

I said who fucking farted? Jesus replied. Can’t you smell that?

Cory flinched at the curse word but dutifully sniffed the air around him. He could smell something burning, but it didn’t smell at all like a fart. Of course, the Son of God would have a superior sense of smell.

You’re Cory Anderson, right? Jesus asked.

For as the lightning cometh from the east and shineth unto the west, so shall the coming of the Son of Man be, Cory replied, his eyes still averted.

I’ll take that as a yes, Jesus said. He cocked his head to the side like he was trying to make eye contact with Cory, who was still looking down. Are you alright?

Of course, he was alright. The worst day of Cory’s life had just turned into the end of all trials and tribulations. But he remembered a story in the Bible of the time when Noah’s son looked upon his nakedness and was cursed with dark skin. If God would curse a man for seeing His prophet in a state of undress, Cory didn’t even want to think about the consequences of looking at His naked Son.

But Jesus was still trying to meet Cory’s eyes. Hey, He said. Look at me, he added. So Cory finally met His eyes, and that’s when he saw something else he didn’t expect, something even more surprising than the burning robe and foul language.

Your scars. Were they healed? Cory asked.

My what? Jesus followed Cory’s eyes and glanced down at His hands. He looked up again just in time to catch Cory noticing – and quickly looking away from – His crotch. Oh, that’s right, you guys are into mutilation. Listen, kid, Christ continued. I need you to take me to your dad, do you understand? I need to see Aries.

Aries is dead.

Dead? How? Jesus asked.

I don’t know. He passed away in his sleep.

No, I mean, how dead is he?

Lord? It had never occurred to Cory that there would be degrees of death, but there were degrees of both heaven and hell, so...

Is everything more or less intact? Jesus asked.

Yes, Lord, Cory replied, realizing he should be elated at what Jesus’ question implied. But something about it didn’t sit right.

Good, Jesus said, still standing there as if waiting for Cory to do something. Good, Jesus said again, just as Cory realized what was bothering him about the Lord. It wasn’t the cursing, or the nakedness, or the fact that the King of the Jews was uncircumcised.

It was the fact that the Son of God, with whom all things are possible, needed to know how dead a body was before resurrecting it.

So... Jesus continued, still standing there, still naked. What’s the custom here? Do you guys walk around on your knees or what?

Lord? Cory asked.

Jesus stretched his arms out, palms up, and motioned for Cory to rise. I think we’ll go a lot faster if you’re on your feet.

Cory stood and awaited his next instruction.

So, um, Jesus said. What’s the way?

Uh. Thou art, Lord? Cory answered.

No, I mean, where’s Aries? That way? he asked, pointing toward the compound in the distance.

Yes, Lord.

Call me Zeus, Jesus said.

Lord?

Jesus rolled His eyes and pointed toward the compound again. Why don’t you lead the way?

Come, follow me, Cory finally said. And the Messiah fell into step beside him.

Chapter Two

Cory spent most of the way back to the compound trying not to stare at Jesus’ nakedness, while Jesus spent most of the walk sniffing the air and asking Cory if he even knew what carbon dioxide and methane were. Of course, Cory knew what greenhouse gases were, but he also knew not to admit as much. Book learning was a sign of pride, a sin that fell somewhere between farting in church and homosexuality. So Cory just kept his mouth shut as he led Jesus off the path and into the woods.

Where are we going? Jesus asked.

Around the back, there’s gonna be too many people out front.

What’s the matter, you don’t like them?

That question would be a lot easier if it were about loving and not liking. Cory knew he was supposed to love his enemies and pray for those who persecuted him, but nowhere in the Bible did it say he had to harbor warm and fuzzy feelings for them. Especially such unlovable people as Rulon, whose father was the Prophet before Aries took on the mantle. Or Ervil, Rulon’s son and Cory’s long-time tormentor.

But that was beside the point. We need to get you some clean clothes, Lord.

Fuck no.

Lord?

I’m not wearing pants!

I know. But we can get you some if you want.

What part of ‘fuck no’ are you struggling to comprehend? I’m not wrapping myself up like a sausage, Jesus said, pointing at His sausage. I gotta be free, you know? To move, to breathe.

Of course, Cory knew this was just another test and an easy one at that, as long as he focused on results over reason. Like how you don’t tell a woman that abortion is a sin; you tell her it will make her infertile. And you don’t tell a man that nakedness is shameful; you tell him about mosquitoes.

There are parasites, Lord...

Fuck, Jesus said, looking back over his shoulder to the hill where Cory first saw him. You’re right; they’re probably already here.

They’re everywhere.

Fuck! Jesus clapped His hands over His ass. Then a knowing smile dawned on His face. Oh, I see what you’re doing there. You’re talking about religious people, right?

Lord?

It’s a better metaphor than sheep, or salt of the earth, although I don’t know if I’d go so far as to describe them as parasites. More like characters in a comedy. What do you think? He pointed at the building; they were close enough now to see people milling about inside. If you had to write a comedy about them, what kind would it be?

Would it matter? Cory had seen the way the world mocked the church on the evening news and couldn’t imagine it being any worse with a laugh track.

Depends on whom you’re trying to reach, Jesus said.

But the notion that comedy could serve any function other than ridicule was too foreign for Cory to wrap his head around. And he didn’t have time to try; they’d arrived at the back door to the compound, and now it was time to get the Lord dressed for the Second Coming.

Cory opened the door a crack and peeked inside. There wasn’t a soul in sight; the mothers were all in the kitchen preparing the funeral meal, leaving the washing machines un-womanned. He opened the door a bit wider and quietly slipped through, holding it for Jesus, who was close behind. A little too close, he thought as he felt something brush against his butt. It was probably just the Lord’s hand, he reassured himself.

Jesus let the door slam shut behind them, a little too loudly. He looked around in sudden awe. Where do all these portals lead?

Cory looked at Him, dumbfounded. What the heck kind of test was this? They’re washing machines, Lord. They’re for washing things like pants and shirts...

Jesus rolled his eyes. You guys sure do like your pants, huh?

Lord? Cory felt weird saying Lord over and over again, but he didn’t know how else to address Him.

You know, pants. Trousers. Butt hammocks. They’re good for unstable environments and for keeping things from flying up your ass and settling down in your brain stem, but this, he said with a sweeping gesture, this is borderline fetishistic.

Lord?

Fetishistic, it means... You know what, I’ll explain later; let’s do this and get out of here before a Terkle shows up. Where’s your father? Jesus asked as He marched past Cory toward the door.

Cory knew what fetishism meant. What he wanted to know was what Terkle meant, but he had more pressing matters on his mind, like making sure no one else’s first impression of the Second Coming included seeing Jesus naked. If it was a sin to see an undressed prophet, Cory could only imagine what the punishment would be if everyone accidentally caught a glimpse of the Lord’s ding-a-ling. 

Through that door, there’s a hallway. Past some classrooms and a kitchen, my father’s office is the last door on the left, Cory said.

So he’s in the office; what are we waiting for? Jesus reached for the door and touched it with His hand.

He’s in a casket, in the atrium past the hallway. But Lord, Cory wedged himself between Jesus and the door.

Jesus put His hand on the door and concentrated on something for a second. Huh, it’s mechanical, he said after a moment. He started to reach for the knob.

Wait, Cory said, his hand on the doorknob.

We’re in a bit of a hurry, you know.

Yes, but these people spent their whole lives waiting for this, and I don’t know if they can handle it...

Oh, you think they’re gonna panic when they see me? Wait till they see your dad walking around again; that’s really going to blow their minds. Phoom! He held a fist on either side of His head, then splayed His fingers wide to mimic an explosion. Then He reached for the knob again.

Wait! Cory shouted loud enough to shock Jesus. He shocked himself as well. Lord, I beseech Thee, hear this mine plea.

What the fuck?

Lord?

Aries didn’t tell me you were epileptic.

No, it’s just, I don’t know if they can handle seeing... Cory pointed at the Lord’s wiener.

Jesus rolled his eyes. Alright. How do you want to do this?

Chapter Three

Cory opened the door a crack and peeked out into the hallway. It looked clear at first glance, but it was a long hallway, so he kept on peeking for a few seconds.

What are you waiting for? Jesus asked, just a little too loudly.

Bathroom breaks, Cory whispered.

They shit in hallways? Jesus asked a little too loudly again, still not getting the hint.

Cory watched as a woman in a long blue dress came out of the kitchen and crossed the hallway into the bathroom. After a few more seconds, she was followed by another sister-wife and another. They all looked the same from this distance in their matching uniforms, but Cory didn’t need to recognize them to know which ones they were. Rulon’s wives were like a pack of hyenas with no sense of humor. Cory waited until they all crossed the hallway.

OK, no one else is going, Cory said as he opened the door wide.

You can tell who needs to shit from all the way over here? Jesus asked loudly.

Shh! Cory hissed, torn between guilt over shushing the Lord and fear of having a confrontation with one of Rulon’s wives. Last door on the left. Let’s go.

They tiptoed out, or rather Cory did, walking slowly in his heavy black shoes. Jesus breezed past him much more quietly on His bare feet. Cory felt suddenly guilty for having hushed The Lord back in the laundry room. Surely He knew what He was doing, and Cory just had to have faith like unto a mustard seed...

Do they fuck in these costumes too? Jesus asked.

Cory froze. Not because of the question, and not because he heard movement elsewhere in the hallway, but because he felt something brush against his leg again. And he knew it wasn’t the Lord’s hand this time because the Lord was five feet in front of him.

The Lord noticed and came to a stop in front of Cory. Do they even fuck?

Cory glanced around wildly, too confused to shush the Lord this time. Did you feel something?

Jesus held His hands up like He was catching raindrops. What am I feeling?

Cory heard the sound of a toilet flushing, followed by water running. Run! He sprinted past Jesus, heedless of the sound his shoes were making on the thinly carpeted floor. He glanced through the kitchen door as he passed it and was pretty sure his mom, Thalia, saw him. He just prayed she didn’t see the Lord as he skidded to a stop in front of the door to his father’s office.

Quick, Cory hissed as Jesus caught up with him. Grab something from the closet. I’ll be out here, he whispered while pushing Jesus through the door.

He managed to get the door shut behind Him just as Thalia appeared in the hallway, a big wooden spoon in her hand.

Cory? she asked with a crack in her voice. Normally, if she’d caught him running in the hallway, she would have used his full name. But she’d clearly been crying; the stress of losing her husband and being forced to spend the morning with Rulon’s harpies was affecting her.

Yes, Mother? Cory almost couldn’t contain his happiness, knowing that soon, she would see her husband again.

Thalia? came a voice behind her. That was Aelita, Rulon’s first bride, standing between the bathroom and kitchen doors with her sister's wives Celia and Petra. They weren’t laughing like hyenas, but they weren’t making any effort to hide the mirth in their eyes, either.

Yes, Sisters, Thalia answered. Cory’s eyes wandered from the tension between them to the memorial board with the picture of Jizzy. Jessica was her real name, but they’d grown up together, and the way Cory had pronounced her name when they were small children had stuck. Cory had thought he would marry her someday, even after her father had betrothed her to Rulon. He looked back at the three wives and felt an awful, familiar mixture of sadness over losing her and relief that she hadn’t joined them in the sister wives club.

Why don’t you take some time off? Aelita offered. Cory had never worked in an office, but he understood office politics intuitively. A woman could never become a prophet, but the prophet’s first wife was practically the second in command in this community, and Aelita was already acting as if she’d been promoted.

I’m fine, Thalia replied, crossing her arms. I’ve got work to do.

You know what, why don’t we go into Aries’ office and have a little heart-to-heart, you, me, Cory, and...

Cory cut her off. I was just about to help out in the kitchen, actually.

She stood there with her mouth open, looking like a robot that’d been turned off mid-sentence. Children weren’t allowed in the kitchen, and men didn’t meddle in women’s work. Cory was eighteen, so technically, he was allowed in the kitchen. But since he was a man now, he should have had more important things to do.

Aelita’s open mouth suddenly turned into a smile. Very well then. We can always use another pair of hands.

Cory and Thalia followed as Aelita, and the other harpies led the way. Soon all this drama would be over, and they could get on with the apocalypse, he thought to himself just as soon as the Savior put on some clean clothes.

Chapter Four

Zeus opened the closet and looked inside. A tear formed in his eye then rolled unimpeded down his cheek to his smiling mouth. Wamu, he said as he pushed a dozen suits and dress shirts out of the way. Gortun taranga sher dood, Aries, he said while taking out one particular garment, a long white robe with a red sash over the shoulder. You didn’t forget your roots, little brother.

Chapter Five

I wonder what’s taking so long, Cory said while peeling the umpteenth potato.

Are you in such a rush to get your father into the ground? Thalia asked.

Cory had been thinking out loud. He struggled for something to follow that up with but couldn’t muster a word after that faux pas. That and the wistful smile on his mother’s face.

He always said he could lead these people in darkness, but that you would be the one to lead them into the light, she continued, still with that same smile. They were the only ones in the kitchen. It only takes two to make funeral potatoes, Aelita said before she and the harpies left to check on their sons. Which meant they were going to check on Ervil, Rulon, and Aelita’s eldest son, who was in constant need of checking.

Cory shook his head to clear the thought; he had more important things to think about right now. Mother, he finally managed to make his mouth move. When dad used to talk about the end times... I know we’re not supposed to know the day or hour, but did he know it would happen in his lifetime?

She shoved a pile of potato cubes into the dish, then stared at it for a moment before answering. No one thinks it will happen in their lifetime. She pushed the cubes around in the dish till they formed a hill, then spread them back out again. But everyone’s world ends someday.

That thought hit Cory like a hammer; what if the apocalypse was just a metaphor for every person’s death? He shook his head to clear out that sinful thought. It was precisely the sort of thing Cory might’ve pondered for hours on any other day, even though he knew it was blasphemy to doubt God’s plan. It felt especially blasphemous at that moment, during the first hour of the Second Coming.

Mother... Maybe he should just tell her that Jesus Christ was getting dressed just a few feet away. Mother, I have really good news, he started to say but was cut off by the sound of shouting in the foyer.

Cory ran out into the hallway to find Jesus standing over Aries’ casket, wearing one of Aries’ priestly robes, which closely resembled the robe He’d been wearing when He arrived from heaven less than an hour ago. If Cory had ever questioned his father’s calling as a prophet, knowing that Jesus Christ Himself shopped at the same outlet store in heaven was enough to dispel all doubt. For Cory, at least. No one else in the room knew what was going on yet, and they all looked pretty angry.

But not nearly as angry as Jesus. You plugged his asshole shut? What the fuck is wrong with you people? He tugged at the belt holding Aries’ robe shut, but it was tied too tightly.

Lord! Cory shouted.

Lord, what in the heck do you think you’re doing? Rulon shouted, although his shout barely registered over everyone else in the room, gasping in horror.

I’m trying to save him, you inbred piece of lizard shit! Jesus gave up on the belt and just ripped the robe open. He reached between Aries’ legs and yanked out a small piece of plastic