The Five Books of Van Gross's

By Kenneth Bruce Van Gross M.D.

Reawaken, you awoken wokesters and anti-leftist xenophobes, and get your new bible. The Five Books of Van Gross’s focuses hearkens back to the “Middle Aughts” which is the period that included launching weather crusades, being a "birther" or talking nonsense at Townhall Meetings about "healthcare" (which is really medical care plus a gym membership, glasses and teeth cleaning); here was the mid-Decade of the Zeroes or the zeros, or zorro, the fox so cunning and free, that epoch from 2003-2007, in that Aughts Decade, that Would've, Could've, Should've Oughts Decade, or as some have called it, That Aughtistic Period (or at least an ADD case) demanding an explanation, couched in brain/mind disturbances via satirical essays.

This five-volume set containing nearly 500 humor essays opens with They Shoot Lesbians Don’t They? covering most of 2004, followed by Deep Tricksters-From the Felt Man to the Veep Man-November 2004 to June 2005, the executive branch hunting related extravaganza Duck, It's Dick.. Not me Dick, the Duck, June 2005- March 2006 and is followed by Van Gross Misconduct February 2006 to August 2006 and finally Van Maniac September 2006- March 2007. The urgency for this historic volume draws from where we were in the lead up to where we are. Has political and cultural satire dwindled over the century’s first two decades plus? Hardly. And supporting works (essays and poetry) by Van Gross, MD dating back to the Bill Clinton Style impeachment period and post- Five Books works in pre-print that include the pre-teens to mid teen years constituting the sacred Obama period of carefully manufactured total boredom followed by the culminating late teen epoch of Donald Trump which featured our polarization insanity half decade 2016-2020 highlighted by Impeachments Gone Wild. If the country is not formally institutionalized in padded rooms by 2021, the roaring or throat clearing Jabiden ‘20’s should offer opportunities for millions to hop, skip and jump over to their local bookstore or online outlet for Five Books to buttress the smirk packed absurdity that has become the rule in the dawn of this third millennium since Christ sashayed over hills, dales and water staying vigilant for some upcoming Van Gross, MD masterpiece called the Jabiden Chronicles- Crash and Burn by ’29 or Bust, Seems Like Old Times

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 11, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664197473

Kenneth Bruce Van Gross M.D.

Preceding deplorables such as Hillary Rodham Clinton and wallflowers such as Donald J. Trump, Kenneth Bruce Van Gross, MD jumped off an earth seeking asteroid and became one of the early founders of "fake news" which was originally called “satire” back in the early Aughts but was adopted if not stolen by evil doers to spread political propaganda. Van Gross, MD is a writer and neurologist who has been awarded Diplomate status by both the American Board of Internal Medicine and by the American Board of Neurology and Psychiatry (N). He has lectured extensively on The Aging Brain/Aging Mind and presented original thoughts and poetry on that subject. He has delivered commencement addresses at medical college graduations and dissected the brain, body, and behavior in addition to the great speeches of Kennedy and Lincoln as a University Adjunct Professor in Neuropsychiatry, Medicine, Public Speaking and Communications. Beyond his knowledge in medicine, speech/language and the neurosciences, Van Gross, MD, has developed a unique career as a commentator, poet, and multi-dimensional writer. Having been published in peer reviewed medical journals, popular university newspapers and in the general press, he has revealed diverse literary talents. These include the ability, rare among individuals who have entered medicine, to spell the word “cat” and appropriately place it in a sentence. In addition, his stinging wit and unrestrained consciousness pervade much of his poetry and prose on subjects from Politics, World Events and American Cultural Wars to how the brain works in the cranial vaults of zealots, pundits and those who are addicted to reruns of “Get Smart” (“Chief? Max”). Finally, he has violated boundaries with riotous neurosociological and neurophilosophical commentary (including voice impersonations) through the audiotapes That Neuro Guy, Mind Ramblings of Van Gross and published works on the Primal Neuroanthropology of Sports. He has appeared on musical, cultural and educational programs carried by WRCU-FM in Hamilton, NY and by WGBB-AM on Long Island. He has also been featured in The Love Jones Revived Show in Miami as a Spoken Word Artist during which he has presented his Neurofusion Poetry including “MedRap”, “Black White Race, Sex and Sports” and “USA-World Poetry Slam”. While wasting away in Miami, the Caribbean and now Philadelphia compiling a treasury of illegible essays and poems to form works such as Van Gross of Monte Cristo, The Five Books and scrawling the nearly incoherent but Writer’s Digest award winning fictionalized medical adventure, i.e., the play, Movement Disorder, Van Gross, MD also paces and exhibits circling behavior, characteristic of the deranged in preparation for his next radio, lecture or writing gig. So, the Five Books of Van Gross’s covers important years in the Aughts, in this lead up to this retro Roaring decade. And don’t worry, Van Gross, MD has material for follow up works for other intercurrent years in this wild and wacky 21st century. It’s kind of crazy, but many of the same characters from the Aughts somehow resurface today. Karzai, Rudy, Bidey, Kerry, Iranians, Climate Players and even versions of Bush and The Cheney Man. We’re just doing reruns!! But I’ve got a book for that (in the works supplementing if not magnifying the mega-impact of the Five Books collection).

Book preview

Copyright © 2021 by Kenneth Bruce Van Gross, M.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Rev. date: 11/11/2021

Xlibris

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CONTENTS

THEY SHOOT LESBIANS,

DON’T THEY?

BOOK ONE

APRIL AND MAY 2004

Bob Woodward Decides: I’m Spending The Rest Of My Life In Bush’s Shorts

Mary J. Blige Awarded PhD In Reproductive Endocrinology . . . Also Notes, I Be Shakin’ My Groove Tang With Ed Bradley

President Bush And Vice President Cheney Revealed As Body Parts Of Ex-Chicago Bear Linebacker Dick Butkus Supplemented By Some Y. A. Tittle

Dominican Republic Pulls Troops Out Of Iraq . . . Sammy Sosa To Remain To Head Cork Gun Brigade

Woodward Sustains Fecal Implosion On C-Span . . . Brian Lamb Becomes A Darkie As Studio Crumbles From Missile Effect Of Reporter’s Bowel Contents

Fallujah To Unofficially Have Name Changed To Salooji

Ted Koppel To Read Names Of Dead In French And Indian War On Nightline. Several Deceased Native Americans To Simply Be Announced As Keemosabee

Army Speaks Out Against Abuse Of Detainees: We Are Completely Against Any Inhumane Treatment Of Iraqis . . . Except The Ones We Are Trying To Kill In Battle.

L.A. Construction Worker’s Cinco De Mayo Story Of Joy And Hope

Current John Kerry To Select The Young John Kerry As Vice Presidential Running Mate

Something Akin To Ralph Nader Emerges From Alien Spacecraft

Andy Kaufman Returns From His Death As A Tree

United States To Back Spider Hole Leader In Upcoming Iraqi Elections

Bush Cheers Low Death Rate In Iraq War; Cites Ongoing Carnage Of World War II Soldiers

JUNE 2004

Nation Braces For 7/11 Attack—Code Slurpee In Effect

Tenet Resigns—Chalabi Found In His Bathroom Taking A Leak With Ambassador Joseph Wilson’s Wife

The Ballad Of Howard Dean

Bush To Pope: How Come You’re Shaking?

O.J. Identifies Ted Williams As Real Killer Of Nicole, Lacey, And Tony Randall

J.Lo To Wed Reagan

Home Depot Eyes China Growth

Entire Satirenews Writing Staff Carted Off By Ashcroft And Shot

Larry Bird Demands Benjamin Moore

Ray Charles Prescribed New Glasses—Usual Sunglasses Thought To Be As Dark As He Is According To Racist Eye Doctor

Reagan Brain Declared Dead—Confirms 1980 Finding

Black And Chinese Begin Interchange For Glowth, Y’all

Entire Cuban Population Becoming A Nation That Can Hit Breaking Pitches

Bush To Pursue Career As Dentist . . . Will Change Name To President Brush

Smarty Jones To Open Dry-Cleaning Facility—Establishment To Be Known As Smarty Pants

Cheney Drops F Bomb In Nunnery; Picks Up New Medical Diagnosis

Ryan Leaves Illinois Senate Race Over Sex—Scandal To Become Married Homosexual And Reenter Race

Bush Transfers Power To People Of Iraq On June 28

Michael Jordan Tours China Disguising Himself By Placing His Hands To The Sides Of His Eyes And Pushing Skin Up

Bush To Ireland: We Will Give You A New Government Today

JULY 2004

Bush To Sell Daughters To Castro

Kerry To Be Known As Coach K; Formal Name To Become John Kzadhgbd0ggu23kvki

Kerry Chooses Transition Team Sam Malone From Cheers To Be The President

Edwards To Work With Cheney On Lawsuit Against Pacemaker Company

Sports Found To Be About Nothing

Bushes And Cheneys Embrace Transexualism And Dyslexualism

Pamplona Bull Re: Rodman, I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman

Lance Armstrong Commemorates Moon Landing By Being Sent There Himself

Ricky Williams Football Compromise: They Be Lettin’ Me Be High When I Be Runnin’ Off Tackle

Actor Commentary: A Psychiatric Analysis

Chinese Americans Demand NBA Affirmative Action Program; Want Grant To Revive Motown With Chinese Music

AUGUST 2004

John Le Karre, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Botox Recipient

Kerry Leads Second Democratic National Convention: This Time, His Band Of Brothers Will Include A Bunch Of Hippies With Whom He Used To Smoke Dope

Hindu Sightseers Shot As Bush Expands Anti-Tourism Campaign

Birthday Party Video Threatens Jihad On Lending Institutions

Nichols Gets 161 Life Sentences— That’s Ok, 162’s A Charm, Says The Mass Murderer

Kerry To Resume Vietnam War

Obama To Change Name To Yo Mama— It’s My Tribute To Rick James, Bitch

Dick Cheney Identifies Terror Plot On Cayman Islands

Iranian Wrestler Blows Himself Up Rather Than Compete Against Israel In Olympics

It’s Time For Vignettes From Those Fun TV Characters: Chief Cheney And Secret Agent Maxwell Bush

Boogaloo Jew

John Kerry, Presidential Candidate— The Man Who Doesn’t Exist

Michael Jackson Undergoes Species Conversion— Moo Utters Former White Woman

Indian Olympic Team; Wins Gold Medal In Outsourcing

Group Watching Paint Dry Switches To McCain

Bush Cracks Al-Qaeda Code Names

SEPTEMBER 2004

Anarchists To Offer Bloomberg Discounts For Tossing Bush Operatives Out Of Buildings

Yankees Lose To Indians 287 To 0, Suffer Three Deaths, And Are Forced To Return Manhattan

Florida Sawed Off Continental United States

Hurricane Frances Wimps Out Over Alabama Now Known As Hurricane France

Clinton Administered Odd EKG Prior To Surgery

Influenza Update: Kerry Earns Purple Lollypop For Painful Flu Vaccine; Bush In Hiding

Martyrdom On A Budget: Al-Qaeda To Use Hurricane Winds

Bush To Accelerate War On Hurricanes

Nader Proposes Plan To End Iraq War

Kerry To Receive Heart Transplant From Windsurfing Primate; Bush And Cheney To Conduct Remainder Of Campaign On Respirators

Hurricanes Found To Hate Communists And Poor People

Oprah Begins Freedom Initiative

Super Freak For Super Sheik

White Sphere Hits Chair—Thousands Make Noises

Dan Rather Becomes Document Helper At Kinko’s

Kerry Opens Swift Boat Offensive Against Bush, Allawi

Bush To Nation: I Checked With God. Now I’m ‘A War President’ And A ‘Hurricane President’

Minimally Altered 1970’s Cat Stevens Song Adopted By Volunteers Who Go To Israel To Blow Themselves Up And Kill Innocent People

Twinkies Maker Files For Bankruptcy, Blames Low-Carb Craze; Michael Moore On Suicide Watch

OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER 2004

Bush Not To Use Talking During Next Debate

Vioxx Provides Novel Cure For Arthritis

Cheney Slip Sends Web Surfers To Wrong Site: Race Riot.com

Bush Learns How The World Works Through Study Of Lincoln Handball

Rodney Dangerfield Denied Flu Shot

Edwards To Meet Leaders From Other Worlds At Summit To Include Little Richard And Parents Of Michael Jackson

Pedro Martinez Delivers New Pitch: I Just Gave Birth To A Midget

Kerry To Increase Name-Dropping In New Debate

Bush To Use Reeve Stem Cells To Help Make A Hat

2004 Western Hemisphere Flu Shot Scorecard

Cheney Continues Outage Outrage Over Kerry’s Invasion Of His Privacy

Edwards Having Illicit Affair With Lynn Cheney

Hobbit Discovered: Tiny Human Ancestor Found In Asia—They Threw Momma From The Tree House, Says Devito

With Series Win, Boston Converts From City Of Drunks To Halloween City Of Dead Drunks

Now Self-Anointed As My Holiness, Curt Schilling To Undergo New Surgeries Of Rapture

Rehnquist Impeaches Hospital Cafeteria Worker

Kerry And Cheney To Wed After Election, Adopt A Lesbian, Hunt Ducks

Baghdad Bob Returns To Run Bush Election Day Get Out The Vote Campaign

Kerry Insources Chinese Restaurant Workers To Pad His Vote; We Vote For John Kelly Is Immigrant Rallying Cry

Bush Declares Victory: I Have A Mandate

DEEP TRICKSTERS- FROM THE

FELT MAN TO THE VEEP MAN

BOOK TWO

DECEMBER AND NOVEMBER 2004

Rehnquist To Swear In Al Gore In January—It’s Selection Time Once More

Strom Thurmond Was My Dad, That’s Why We Use Him As A Kwanza Ornament—Daughter

Bush To Begin Negotiating With Myself—Thorazine Injections Also Starting

Dag Nab It, I’m Goin’ Out With Hannity And O’Reilly, We’re Gittin’ Us Al Franken—Zell Miller

We Are Family—A New Christmas Carol

Bush To Study Under Prairie Animal—Furry Language Arts Professor To Be Paid In Bread Crumbs By President-Just Like Regular Americans

Bush Promises New Word Order

The United States Bows To World Pressure To Even The Playing Field In Iraq With South Asia Devastation

Odd Write-In Candidate Claims Late Victory In Ukraine

Senate Votes Trillion Dollars In Reparations For African Americans—All Money To Be Distributed To Current NFL Players On Thursday

[e-mail] Blogger

Amber Frey Changes Name To Amber Lethal Injection

Kobe Bryant Accuses Karl Malone Of Making A Pass At His Wife At A Game

Kofi Anon And Son To Work At Starbucks

G.I. Gets Three Years For Killing Iraqi; Rumsfeld To Get Three Hundred Years For Killing One Hundred Thousand Iraqi

Kerik Nanny Identified As Al-Qaeda

Ron Artest To Change Name To Ron Arrest

Secret Agent Maxwell Bush/Agent 86 Awards Brian Mitchell Medal Of Honor For Kidnapping Utah Girl

Mr. Blackwell Reviews Election Day Voting Anomalies In Ohio

Cheney Pacemaker Working Fine—Cheney, However, Noted To Be Conceivably Dead

JANUARY 2005

Condo Leaser Rice To Purchase Townhouse

Bush Having A Relationship With Jesus Christ; Tennis Bracelet Gift Expected Any Minute For Cheerleader/Chief Executive

Bush Ancestor Went AWOL During The Crusades

60 Minutes Ii To Work With Satirenews On Follow-Up To Bush Ancestor AWOL In The Crusades Story

Alberto Gonzales—Ahead Of The Pack

Bill O’Reilly Becomes Bill O’Jew

Kerry, Kennedy To Patrol Indian Ocean

Johnny Carson To Continue Writing For David Letterman Show; I Did Not Know That, Says Deceased Comedian

It’s A Thousand Points Of Life Time Once More

Bush Was Reading My Pet Goat When Tsunami News Was Given Him

John Edwards Returns Suing Indian Ocean

Saddam Hussein Orders Up Barbara I Dream Of Jeannie Eden As His Concubine: That American Plaything Is My Ticket Outta Here, Says Ex-Dictator

Tsunami Death Toll Reaches Two Billion; China Left With Thirty-Five People And Laundry Surplus

William Hung To Lead Relief Show For Tsunami Victims

World War III—Military Battles In The Homeland Since 9/11 And The American War Response In Iraq

FEBRUARY 2005

Pope Returns To Hospital For Two-Fer Booked For Circumcision And Reincarnation As A Guy Named Mo

Man Living To 156 On Steroids With An Asterisk

U.S. Drug Companies To Fund New Drugs To Fight Heart Attacks And Strokes Caused By NSAIDs

Bush Embarks On European Tour—Canada, Here I Come, Says The Chief Executive

Jackson Hospitalized En Route To Court—Physicians Order Emergency Bleaching Procedure

Bush To Appoint Negroponte Civil Rights Director

Stevie Wonder To Offer Eyewitness Testimony To Support Michael Jackson

Obesity Sticks Confused With Two Thousand Pounds Of Fat

Cosby Molestation Book Series; Be The First On Your Block To Get All Thirty Special Valentine’s Day Installments—It’s Like The Hardy Boy Series And Nancy Drew Adventures All Rolled Up Into One Library About An African American Superhero

Alf Leading In Iraqi Elections—New National Anthem To Be I’m Your Puppet

McCartney Leads Shock And Awe Replay At Superbowl XXXIX

Barry Bonds: Birdman Of Steroidtrash

Iraq To Become A Rack

General Colin Polyp To Leave Government And Star With Raquel Welch In New Film Intestinal Fantastic Voyage—Katie Couric To Costar With Role As Malignant Tumor

MARCH 2005

Bobby Schindler’s List—Top 10 Things From The Mind Of Terry Schiavo’s Brother

Schiavo To Spell Statue Of Liberty—But As An Independent Contractor, Florida Woman Won’t Get Health Benefits, Says Bush

Peculiar Déjà Vu Aura Hovers Over Schiavo Case

Pat Robertson Donating His Brain To Terry Schiavo

Bush In Double Switch—Started Talking Like A Liberal Elitist, Now Back To Mumbling Like Tom Sawyer

Michael Jackson Feeding Tube Removed

Mark McGwire Not Irish—Admits To Being A Steroid

Baby Born With Cell Phone Attached To Ear

Scott Peterson To Become Lawn Fertilizer

Laura Bush Admits To Steroid Use On Her Rear

Gas Stations To Begin Taking Right Arms Instead Of Money From Public

Thai Woman Found In Clinton Chest

Undocumented Birds Flying Into The United States In Record Numbers

Thousands Open Fire On Wealthy Balloon Yahoo

APRIL 2005

Runaway Bride Made Up More Than Abduction Story: I’m Chinese And Have Narrow Eyes

Bush, Abdullah In Love

Bush Senior Adopts Bill Clinton: I’m The Father He Never Had, Says 41

Late Pope In, Robin Quivers Out On The Howard Stern Show

Jeb Bush Appointed Secretary Of Transportation

Bush New Nickame Is Country

Wendy’s Expanding Finger Food Menu

It’s D. Lovely, I’m A Schmuck—The Ballad Of Tom D. Lay Recalls The Old Song By Cole Porter

Jim Jones Do To Return For Post-Jackson Trial Event

Shaq Battling Anorexia Nervosa

Bishops And Cardinals Leave Deliberations Stoned

In Taking A Bow For A New Revolution, Pope Screams, We Won’t Get Fooled Again!

Recalling The Man Of La Mancha, Saddam Hussein’s Newly Discovered Psycho Lyrics Based On Simon And Garfunkel Oldie Leads Four-Hundred-Year Cervantes Celebration

O.J. In Slow-Speed Chase At Pope’s Funeral

Britney Spears To Modify Name

In Big Turnaround, Existentialists Try For Sartre Resurrection

Spamster To Get Hard Labor Deleting Files

Armed Volunteers Plan To Patrol Mexican Border; Will Attempt To Capture Mexicans By Coaxing Them Onto Broken-Down Lawn Supply Vehicles

Bono To World: I’m Not An Extrovert—A Psychobio By The World’s Most Popular Singer

JUNE AND MAY 2005

Weather Underground Captures Deep Throat In Nursing Home—It’s Payback Time, You Fascist!

Californians To Almighty: Dude, Where’s My House?

Woodward And Bernstein Told Me They Were Ear, Nose, And Throat Doctors—Lovelace

Paris Hilton Engaged To Shipping Heir Paris Latke

Operation Lighting Hits Baghdad—Entire City Now In Lamp Business

Vangrossnews To Offer Humor Remediation For Brits

Oliver Stone Now Known As Oliver Stoned

Clinton Trip A Threatened Abortion

Red State Land Theme And Intro

FDA Probes Reports Of Blindness With Impotence Drugs; Most Incidents Involve Viagra; Some Reported With Cialis

Koreans Clone Hannity And Colmes

Newsweek Subscriptions Cancelled By Islamic Fundamentalists; Several Insurgents Follow This Defiant Act By Beheading Themselves

Rumsfeld Saving United States $48 Billion In Military Spending Over Twenty Years; Great, Say Americans. Start Transferring The Cash Over To Us Now, Mr. Thrifty.

God Admits To New York Wall Collapse Error: My Bad, Says Deity.

Bush In Georgia: That Dirt Road Led To Hooterville?

Deep South To Implement New Traffic Strategy: HIV Lanes; HOV Lanes Are Passé, But I Shouldn’t Say Passé ’Cause It Sounds Too Gay, Says Non-Homosexual Southern Traffic Expert

Smirnoff And Newly Captured Al-Qaeda To Target Goyim

Iraqis Blow Up All Government Officials And Candidates, But We Will Have Democratic Elections On Thursday

Homosexuals: We’ve Just Been Joking Around

"DUCK, IT’S DICK…NOT

ME DICK, THE DUCK"

BOOK THREE

JUNE AND JULY 2005

Edgar Ray Killen In Simon Says Rally Prior To Murder Trial

Man Has Spent Life Backing Into Head Out Parking Position

Vegetative State Craze Ignites In L.A.

No Dying Craze Sweeps Nation

U.S. Soldier Named Sheik By Iraqi Citizens

Bush Launches Anti-Tourism Campaign

July 2005 News Ticker

Cruise To Croon The History Of Psychiatry To The Tune Of The Ballad Of Davy Crockett At Mania And Insomnia Therapy Event

Shakira To Replace Sandra Day O’Connor On Supreme Court

Times Square Ticker: Kirsty Alley Shot In Victoria Train Station

Rudy Giuliani Now Known As Mr. Coincidence

Pillow Talk Captured At The Roberts Household

John Roberts Found To Be A Mannikin

Paula Abdul To Mate With Entire Male Population Of Syria

Psych Fever (To Night Fever By The Bee Gees)

1,500 Sheep Jump Off Turkish Cliff During Lecture

AUGUST 2005

Photographer Shot Trying For Britney Photo

Van Gross, MD: Hurricanes Consist Of Wind And Rain

New Mexico Now Known As Old Mexico

Nun Reprimanded For Wild Dancing And Then Tossed Into Hell

New Three Amigos: Robertson, Bush And Armstrong

Perot Announces Presidential Campaign Resurrection At Body Worlds Exhibit

Leap Year Date To Be Changed To September 11

Rover Mixing Drinks At Democratic Fund-Raisers

Killen Put Vioxx In Coretta Scott King’s Halloween Candy Bag

Bush Refuses To Meet Cindy Sheehan’s Mother In Hospital

Robertson Organizes Possie In Venezuela: We’re Goin’ Out An’ Gittin’ Us A Presidente!

Killen Released: I’m Huntin’ Jew And Colored Again!

Gaza Settlers Moved To Crawford Ranch; Bush Evacuated To Connecticut

Bush Invading Iran Again

Admiral Stockdale Blows Up At Peter Jennings At Pearly Gates: Who Are You, And Why Are You Here?

Hello, U.N. Diplomats, I’m Bolton; So Are We, Proclaim Fleeing Diplomats

Australian And U.S. Congresses Face Lingo Changes

Polar Bear To Other Gays: Screw HIV

Nation To Black Eyed Peas: Don’t F——Ck With My Brain

Whites To Become Mascots For Caribbean And Native American Sports Teams

Rafael Palmeiro To Star In Film Called It Takes A Village Idiot

Koreans’ Ode To Dog Cloning

Bush To Reperfuse Dead Marines And Initiate Medical Research

Einstein Papers: I Took Shteroids That Made Me Shmarter

SEPTEMBER 2005

Ex-FEMA Director Michael Brown In New Head-Out Parking Post

Prince And Theoretical Physicists In Time Machine Initiative: Let’s Party Like It’s 1999, My Elementary Particle Interaction Peeps

Bush Orders Empathy Flooding In Major U.S. Cities

God: I’m Not Big On Poor People, Got It?

John Roberts In Toilet Paper Folding Frenzy

Joseph Smith Establishes Religion Of Head-Out Parking

England To Resume Control Of American Colonies

Rehnquist Nominated To Replace Sandra Day O’Connor; Bush: So What? We Lied A Little. Nobody Died!

Head-Out Parking Issues In New Orleans Disturb Joe W. Smith

The Rehnquisitor’s Tale: From Presiding Over Clinton Impeachment To Deselecting Al Gore As President To Lying In State In Some Puddle In New Orleans

People Not From New Orleans Officially Prohibited From Calling The City New Awlins

Bush Nominates John Roberts To Be King Of Africa

A Crisis Destined To Fade

After Wilma, Hurricane Fred Flintstone Will Turn Planet Into Barney Rubble

The United States Discovers New Way To Kill Poor African Americans

American Cakewalk . . . To Nowhere

Baltimore Under Warter

OCTOBER 2005

ZZ Top Cutting Wind At Hurricane Headquarters

Vinnie Testaverde Discovered To Be Christ Figure

Death Is Overstated As This Huge Problem

Bush, Roberts, Clarify Stands On Roe V. Wade

Head-Out Parking Tragedy—Smith Vehicle Door Injured In Accident

Bennett To Lead National Genital Mutilation Day For Black Women

NOVEMBER 2005

Evolution Curriculum Snapshots From Kansas Board Of Education

Panthers Cheerleaders Charged After Bar Arrest Witnesses Said Women Were Having Sex In Bathroom Stall

Top Ten Governmental Non-Jews In The News, Whose Names We Were Behooved To Abuse

California Man Caught In HOV Lane With Dummy; Oxy Moron A Suspect

Bush Nominates Ozzie To Replace Harriet

Bush Evacuates Fish Tanks

Assault On Terror Birds Ordered By Revenge-Seeking President

Bedsheet Escapees Still On Run

We Will Blow Zee Kisses At Zee Muslims: Chirac

Bush, Cheney, G. Gordon Liddy Break Into Office Of Ellsberg Psychiatrist

I Have An Extra Y Chromosome; You Have An Extra Chromosome 21: Schwarzenegger

DECEMBER 2005

Van Gross, MD, News Supreme Editor Issues Edict Against Goyim: I Don’t Want Any More Of You Writing Comedy

Hastert Wants To Return Christmas To The Capitol Tree To Get Ultimate Revenge For Pearl Harbor

Dick Dickster’s HMO To Offer Medical Insurance, Bonuses To American Troops In Iraq

Saddam To Add Cheerleaders To Defense Team Tactics

Clinton: Global Warming Prevented This Woman From Fulfilling Her Lifelong Dream To Become An Ice Statue

Al Gore To Donate Body To Anti-Global Warming Campaign: I’m Freezing Myself In Time

Anne Coulter Jerks Off Pryor, Mccarthy In Christmas Surprise

Walmart To Begin Selling Christians

Condoleezza Rice To Initiate Global Whoring

Existentialists Designate Camus As New Antichrist Child Or Christ Child Or A Mass Of Cells Signifying Squat

Canada Court Lifts Ban On Swingers’ Clubs—Millions Of Farm Animals Rejoice

God Strikes Out At Intelligent Design Foes, Turns Them Into Apes

Korean Faked Stem Cell Research: I Cloning Clown—Researcher

Bush Pardons Bank Robber, Moonshiners, Lawyer, His Mother, And Her Ob-Gyn; President Keeps Holiday Tradition Of Clemency, Grants Thirteen Pardons

Christmas Ball Dropped On O’Reilly’s Head To Open New Year

Air Marshals Celebrate Textbook Nervous System Disabling Of Terror Suspect

Bill Clinton To Try Out For Minnesota Vikings

A Quarter Century Ago

Castro Invades The United States: It’s Regime Change Time Once More, Amigo

JANUARY 2006

Jews Begin Booking Antonio Davis For Bar Mitzvah Junkets Into Congregation

Bush Now Known As President George W. Terrorism

I’m Scowl Man: Simon Cowell

Van Gross, MD, Challenges Ann Coulter To A Duel For Ripping Off His Satire And Applying It To Her Real Life

Bush Goes Insane While Visiting An Insane Asylum

Two Tons Of Marijuana And Bearded Bean Pole Found In Tunnel

Israelis To Work With Oscar Robertson To Create New Line Of Basketball Bearing The Robertson Name

Oprah Eats Star Jones On Letterman

Jolie Pregnant . . . With Pair Of Lips

Joseph W. Smith Furious At Schwarzenegger Traffic Accident

Robertson Found Snooping Around Blood Thinners At Sharon Hospital Ward

Bush Explains Eavesdropping Campaign

I’m King Of The Solar System: Cronkite

Ito Brothers: O.J. To Be Retried In Miami

Captured Like Deer In Headlights—Chertoff

Bawlamer Juney: "I’m Skinny ’Cuz I’m Drinkin’ Diet Arnjuice

FEBRUARY 2006

Cindy Sheehan And Betty Friedan Arrested In Grand Central Station For Terminal Ugliness

Bush Decides To Be President For The Next 750 Years; Futuristic State Of The Union Speech Already Penned

Producer Accused Of Sexually Harassing Cast—Thousands Of Hustler Readers Respond With Thespian Career Moves

2008 Preview: America Becomes Theocracy Invades Canada

Iran Renames Danish Pastries; Denmark To Continue With Current Iranian Food Titles

Cow Emerges As Powerball Winner In Nebraska

I’m Keeping Your Damn Online Rag Afloat, Mr. Satirenews Dork Brain Editor

Bush Surprises As Drum Major/Referee/Psychotic At Super Bowl

Head-Out Parker In Mecca Shout-Down With Allah

Van Gross, MD, Shot By Cheney Near Comedy Headquarters

Cheney Begins Program Of Shooting Lawyers In Forest

Cheney Shooting Victim Suffers Heart Attack—Veep Reciprocates By Going Into Cardiac Standstill

VAN GROSS MISCONDUCT

BOOK FOUR

FEBRUARY 2006

The United States To Become Dubai Municipality; Statue Of Liberty—The New New Colossus

Iran Takes Gold In Cartoon Terror Skiing

Ricky Williams To Lead Nation Under Some Good Sh——T

Hamdi, You’re A Fine UAE Operative

MARCH 2006

Head-Out Parker In Disabled Parking Only Uproar

Afghani Cruise To Christianity All The Rage

New World Order: Milosevic Dead, Hussein Getting Real Sick, Bin Laden Pretty Much A Corpse

Jessica Simpson Loves The Heck Out Of Bush—It’s Laura And Condy She Can’t Stand

Bush Transporting Mobile Homes To Iraq Originally Allocated For Katrina Victims

Hispanic Uprising In Full Gear

Cheney Was In Suicide Attempt On Grassy Knoll—11/63

Bush Replaces Self With Michael Bolton, Cheney With Officer Joe Bolton

APRIL 2006

The Saga Of Rosa Parqueo

Mexo-Sexo: The New Craze In Illegal Alien Attire And Conduct For The Undocumented Caballero In You

God Placed On Alzheimer Drug

U.S. Corporations Rummage Through Mexico Bus Crash Worker Pool

Bush Resigns: I Take This Hit To Save The World

Jeb Bush Admits Real Name: Jibberish H. Bush

AOL Voice Captured In Iraqi Civil War

Cheney Deceased During Hu Visit—St. Peter Not Thrilled

Hot Nightclub Duo Draws From Huge Acts Of The ’50’s

New American Vehicle—No Gas, Doesn’t Need Any; No Cargo—We Don’t Have Any

Mexico Legalizes Drugs—Illegal Workforce Gripped With The Munchies

Bush Resigns—Shiites And Sunnis Begin Lovefest, Embrace Israel

Cooper And Cheney To Begin Cnn Sitcom Ac-Dc

Bush Team Didn’t Know If They Knew September 11 Would Follow September 10

Texas Battered With Baseball-Size Hail—Neo-Cons And Axis Of Evil Global Warmers To Blame: Howard Dean

Born Near The Usa

MAY 2006

Angelina Jolie Adopts George Clooney’s Father In Africa

Patrick Kennedy In Car Accident Without Alcohol Being A Factor

Michael Hayden Appointed Secretary Of Ironic Girl Talk

Huge Fans Begin Blowing Salvation To Florida

Moussaoui Transferred To Indonesian Volcano

Doctors Separate Conjoined Boobs At Mayo Clinic

Usa Now Officially Nation Of The Deranged

Valerie

Plane Carrying Kennedy Hit By Lightning Deity: Kennedy Curse? What Kennedy Curse?

Disciples Of Freud, Piaget, And Kafka Weigh In On Bush

Stripper Files Charges Against Catholic University Women’s Lacrosse Team

Novel Therapy Offered To Psychotics

Christians Crucify Opie

McCartney To Racehorse: I Want To Hold Your Hoof

Holla Back Trio Are Some Cool Dudes

Bush To Utilize National Guard As Stem Cells, Lemonade Stand Workers, And Crop Circles, While They Are Big Foot Hunting, Dancing A Jig, Reinventing The Wheel, Curing Mental Retardation, Eating Spaghetti-O’s, Imitating Prince, Removing Belly Button Lint, And Singing The National Anthem In Norwegian

Ill Eagle Alien Found Sneezing And Undocumented

Bolshevik Revolution Hits USA; Enron Out, Lenin In

Ape To Work With Runaway Bride On Planning

CNN Upset Over Breaking News About Breaking News That Was Not Breaking News

JUNE 2006

Al Gore Seeks Presidency Of Clouds

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Drops Ammonium Nitrate On Large Portions Of Canada

9/11 Widows Fly Plane Into Ann Coulter

Guantanamo Prisoners Killed By The United States In Response To Publicity Stunt Suicides

Nation Encouraged To Say Wow-Wee Whenever Seeing Photo Of Zarqawi

Christ Returns On 6/6/06 As Duke Lacrosse Player

Head-Out Parker In Baghdad Bakery Debacle

Terror Cell Found In Shaquille O’Neal’s Large Intestine

Karzai Decrees Immediate Deployment Of Party Hats

Rush Limbaugh To Star In Helen Keller Story

JULY 2006

After Part Of An Indian Man’s Skull Falls Off, Indians Start Selling Yarmulkas

New York Times Now Writing Terror-Sponsoring Reports In Arabic And Chinese

Justices Roberts, Scalia And Thomas Will Decide The Mexican Election

Puff The Magic Airport

Corpse Crowned Miss Hezbollah

Barbaro: Running Like Some Maniac Was Not My Idea

Rodent Community Awash In Gratitude Over Hezbollah Stem Cell Donations

Hezbollah Steals Australian Technology, Starts Hurling Boomerangs

Ken Lay To Be Junior Counselor With Milosevic At Camp Illuminati

AUGUST 2006

Gibson Blows Up Universe; God: Well, At Least He Won’t Be Around For Any More Of His Publicity Stunts

Castro Hospitalized, Woody Allen To Assume Cuban Leadership

Baseball To Be Limited To Latinos

It’s My Political Party

Joe Lieberman Changes Name To Ned Lamont

Chertoff Declares War On Liquids

Teen Gets Perfect Score On Sat, Act; Bangs Virgin Mary Statue

Bush To Become Hybrid Mutant With Peter Fonda, Easy Reader, And Goat

Larry King Show To Cover The Jonbenet Ramsey Case, While World Nearly Wiped Out By Nuclear Holocaust

Negroes Becoming Chocolate Muy Deliciosa

Joey’s Turn To Cry

Starbucks To Offer Caffeinated Whores

Bush In Oedipus Complex Overdrive—I Take Barbara To Be My Lawfully Wedded Wife

Cheney Fathered Tennis Star Amelie Mauresmo During A Trip To France

VAN MANIAC

BOOK FIVE

SEPTEMBER 2006

Oliver Stone To Lead Inquiry Into Mystery Of Disappearing Trade Center

Dogs Stage A Coup In Thailand

Polygamist Marries Ham Sandwich

Cheney Is Dispatched To Middle East To Get Syrius About ‘The Lesbianese’

Pope Takin’ Over For Christ On New Islamic Crucifix

Head-Out Parker In Turning Lane Boycott

Bush Declares War On Ishlamo-Fashionism

Mexico Renamed Deja Vu All Over Again

Widespread Mourning Over Fact That Montreal Shooter Not A Muslim

OCTOBER 2006

Yankees Are Sent To Gitmo As Enemy Combatants

Foley IM’d Lidle Over Manhattan

E. Coli Bacteria Found To Be Muslims

Bush Appoints Michael Brown As New Emperor Of Water In Iraq

GOP’s Christopher Shays Defends Hastert: He Never Banged Marilyn Monroe

Top Ten Reasons Why Al Gore Thinks Early Snow Is Not An Inconvenient Truth

Fox Accuses Limbaugh Family Corpses Of Just Acting

New Terror Alert: Stingray Jihad

American Whites Have A Remarkable Sameness, Say Australian Aborigines

Head-Out Parker In A Fury About The New Self-Parking Lexus

NOVEMBER 2006

Paul McCartney Amputates Heather’s Other Leg During Divorce Proceeding

Kerry Enters Comedy Rehab Facility

Saddam To Star In New Sitcom: Hangin’ With Mr. Hussein

Baghdad Bob Denies; Republicans Lost Both Houses Of Congress

Head-Out Parker Enraged At Rachael Ray, The Chef

Stingray Was Bipolar, Says PETA Psychiatrist, So Shouldn’t Be Called A Killer

Ed Bradley Corpse To Become Michael Richards’s Apology Lover

Multicultural Couple Celebrate Lotto Win Despite Being Dead

Jet Player Found Not To Have A Real Name

DECEMBER 2006

Police Are Demanding Songs From Offenders To Avoid Being Ticketed

Black Man Killed In Queens, New York, On His Wedding Day, Guilty Of Conspiracy To GMWB

Racing Pigs Anger Muslims

New Muslim Congressman To Be Sworn In At Gitmo

Officer Shaq In Iraq: Rap Verse Transcription

Bigoted L.A. Firefighters To Get A Helping Paw From Asians

James Brown’s Deathbed Hit Song

Floriduh Concerned With New Discrimination Threat: Being Treated Dumb

Basketball Teams Try New Names, And Sports

New York Police Begin Basketball Prevention Program

Israel Hosts Holocaust Affirmation Conference

Israel To Dissolve In Exchange For Iran Leader Returning To His Point Of Origin

Marlin’s D Train Arrested For Drunk Driving, Switches Tracks

Georgia Anti-Evolution Group Surrenders

Iraq Becomes Peaceful—Bush Foes Kill Themselves

Schwarzenegger And Yao Ming In Leg-Breaking Frenzy

Hussein Orders Up A Bunch Of Those Executioner Ski Masks At Camp Dictator

God To Denver And Points West: Don’t Mess With My Hallowed Team

Bush Resigns; Ford Again Assumes Presidency; Bush Pardoned By Ford Apparition

Dutch Brothels Close; Whores Become Street Walkers

2007—The Year Of 007; All Human Beings Are Awarded License To Kill Themselves

JANUARY 2007

Sunni: Words And Music By Bobby The Shiite Von Headless

The Green Sky: George Bush State Of The Union Speech Of 1/10/07

New Yorkers To Begin Saving Fish From Scary Waves

Rumsfeld To Begin Docudrama Career As New Borat Sidekick

Kentucky Fried Chicken To Ban Trans Fat And Transsexuals

Baron Cohen Found To Be Lanky Sexualizer Foreigner Also Fixated On Toilets

Barbaro To Enter Run For The Presidency: It’s A Horse Race, Admitted Animal On His Death Bed

Capitalism To Be Based On New Money Reward System: Gates And Buffet Labeled As Poor People Because They Didn’t Save Candy

Immaculate Conception Spawns New Ape Religion; Chimp With No Male Parent To Be Known As Jesus H. Chimp

Head Out Parker Ghost Riding In Gettysburg: Seventeen Dead, Twenty-One Wounded

FEBRUARY 2007

Bush To Establish New Baseball Association Slogan To Be That’s Bush League

Colmes And Hannity

Seven-Foot-Tall Turkey Fossil Found To Be Ancestor Of Pro Basketball Player Michael Doleac

Unknown NBA Player To Come Out As First Without Felony Conviction Or Rape Charge

Bone-Chilling Temps Sweep Across The North; Al Gore Found Frozen Stiff In Snowbank

Politicians In Blaze Of Glory Cancer Affliction Sympathy Craze

Al Gore Livid Over Oscar Night Recount

Edwards Sues Coulter Obstetrician For Allowing Aborted Fetus To Linger For Forty-Five Years

MARCH 2007

Man Sought To Revive Father’s Corpse; Christians Implicated In Similar Activity

Bush In Nickname Overdrive

Fergie Of Black Eyed Peas To Marry NFL’s D’brickashaw Ferguson

Peculiar Spelling Coincidence Hangs Over Vice Presidential Name

Luck Be A Muslim Tonight (Sung To The Tune Of Luck Be A Lady Tonight)

Head-Out Parker To Pope: Why Didn’t You Work On Curing Your Own Parkinson’s, You Parky?

Massacre Misfire May Explain Latest Cheney Blood Clot

Bush Captures Obama At Bin Laden Birthday Party

For my parents and other creative writing influencers

PROLOGUE

P olicing opinions, ideation and ultimately written or spoken commentary represents a bridge to nowhere. For the same reason, hate speech cannot be tolerated in any society whether expressed at a self-aggrandizing rally or scrawled on campus walls.

We have arrived at an implicit compromise amid what the writer Evan Osnos has called The making of America’s fury. We monitor and limit certain types of expression and allow polarized comedy via media tribalism. Political viewpoints can be demonized by opposite opinion holders at times with various levels of sarcasm and joking but usually bereft of such flippant mouthing off.

Meanwhile, there is something called satire in its own right (or left as the case may be). The injection of this humor containing literary style does not revolve around funny one liners, laugh fetes or roasts. We are referring to the studied depiction of irony mixed with various cultural sketches some dancing around stereotypes or bashing such insult tendencies.

As important is the broadness of world affairs satire. How can the author be inappropriately damning one point of view or group when in the same tome, he can present an identical philosophy or subgroup of our human population as worthy of high esteem? Concurrently, when a moral compass points in only one direction (i.e. no good people on both sides situations), satire can delegitimize any biased preaching which would appear to carry actual validity.

Then there is the matter of celebrity, the worship of dogma and absurdity in its own right. Sports can indeed embody all such components. Therein lies another type of satire domain sampled in what follows called The Five Books of Van Gross’s.

Whether our right frontal cortex controls satire or whether it is in fact the site of some abstract humor laden power hovering above our neurobiology remains unknown. However, it is indeed intriguing to realize that whereas the right hemisphere is the major humor side of the brain, injury to same right frontal region can induce excessive jocularity. Thus, why we poke fun at others, why same proclivity can be offensive but at times induce smiling if not guffaws by those who are the objects of such jolts speaks to what we do not understand about our biological nature or who we are psychiatrically or metaphysically.

It has been said that if Fidel Castro had not existed, we would have had to have invented him. Thematically, whether it is democracy, capitalism, socialism, religion, atheism, our dismay over institutional opponents to such staples can be so severe that we will at times confabulate more than delineate reality or an authentic threat., The other, those who are more misunderstood than evil or those whose stock and trade is vapidness can be participants if not playuhs in the satire game as well although for so many no humor about one’s own ideology is acceptable. When imagining incongruous switches in pursuits for certain cohorts or adding unfathomable side hustles to the lives of the ultra-serious, satire can be emitted.

This kind of pontification is no substitute for an assessment as to whether multi-attitudinal satire carries great value for this balkanized society in which we find ourselves. History would appear to answer that question as so many of the characters and issues reviewed satirically and via parodies in the 2004-2007 period covered in The Five Books persist in 2021. Santayana’s admonition about failing to learn from history would appear to be reverberating in these pages even when various chess pieces on our current affairs board of re-runs are now iPhones rather than Blackberries.

But we are not just speaking of a humorous reiteration of past idiocies which provide educational content, there is satire as a key to a healthier society. A world stressed out and sequestered over COVID-19 can use satire as a vehicle to encourage better inter-group communication and the fostering of more openness about accepting others’ opinions and even changing our own.

-Kenneth Bruce Van Gross, MD

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

ABOUT THE FIVE BOOKS OF VAN GROSS’S

R eawaken, you awoken wokesters and anti-leftist xenophobes, and get your new bible. The Five Books of Van Gross’s focuses hearkens back to the Middle Aughts which is the period that included launching weather crusades, being a birther or talking nonsense at Townhall Meetings about healthcare (which is really medical care plus a gym membership, glasses and teeth cleaning); here was the mid-Decade of the Zeroes or the zeros, or zorro, the fox so cunning and free, that epoch from 2003-2007, in that Aughts Decade, that Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve Oughts Decade, or as some have called it, That Aughtistic Period (or at least an ADD case) demanding an explanation, couched in brain/mind disturbances via satirical essays.

This five-volume set containing nearly 500 humor essays opens with They Shoot Lesbians Don’t They? covering most of 2004, followed by Deep Tricksters-From the Felt Man to the Veep Man-November 2004 to June 2005, the executive branch hunting related extravaganza Duck, It’s Dick..Not Me Dick, The Duck, June 2005- March 2006 and is followed by Van Gross Misconduct February 2006 to August 2006 and finally Van Maniac September 2006- March 2007. The urgency for this historic volume draws from where we were in the lead up to where we are. Has political and cultural satire dwindled over the century’s first two decades plus? Hardly. And supporting works (essays and poetry) by Van Gross, MD dating back to the Bill Clinton Style impeachment period and post- Five Books works in pre-print that include the pre-teens to mid teen years constituting the sacred Obama period of carefully manufactured total boredom followed by the culminating late teen epoch of Donald Trump which featured our polarization insanity half decade 2016-2020 highlighted by Impeachments Gone Wild. If the country is not formally institutionalized in padded rooms by 2021, the roaring or throat clearing Jabiden ‘20’s should offer opportunities for millions to hop, skip and jump over to their local bookstore or online outlet for Five Books to buttress the smirk packed absurdity that has become the rule in the dawn of this third millennium since Christ sashayed over hills, dales and water staying vigilant for some upcoming Van Gross, MD masterpiece called the Jabiden Chronicles- Crash and Burn by ’29 or Bust, Seems Like Old Times.

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ABOUT KENNETH BRUCE VAN GROSS, MD

P receding deplorables such as Hillary Rodham Clinton and wallflowers such as Donald J. Trump, Kenneth Bruce Van Gross, MD jumped off an earth seeking asteroid and became one of the early founders of fake news which was originally called satire back in the early Aughts but was adopted if not stolen by evil doers to spread political propaganda. Van Gross, MD is a writer and neurologist who has been awarded Diplomate status by both the American Board of Internal Medicine and by the American Board of Neurology and Psychiatry (N). He has lectured extensively on The Aging Brain/Aging Mind and presented original thoughts and poetry on that subject. He has delivered commencement addresses at medical college graduations and dissected the brain, body, and behavior in addition to the great speeches of Kennedy and Lincoln as a University Adjunct Professor in Neuropsychiatry, Medicine, Public Speaking and Communications.

Beyond his knowledge in medicine, speech/language and the neurosciences, Van Gross, MD, has developed a unique career as a commentator, poet, and multi-dimensional writer. Having been published in peer reviewed medical journals, popular university newspapers and in the general press, he has revealed diverse literary talents. These include the ability, rare among individuals who have entered medicine, to spell the word cat and appropriately place it in a sentence. In addition, his stinging wit and unrestrained consciousness pervade much of his poetry and prose on subjects from Politics, World Events and American Cultural Wars to how the brain works in the cranial vaults of zealots, pundits and those who are addicted to reruns of Get Smart (Chief? Max). Finally, he has violated boundaries with riotous neurosociological and neurophilosophical commentary (including voice impersonations) through the audiotapes That Neuro Guy, Mind Ramblings of Van Gross and published works on the Primal Neuroanthropology of Sports.

He has appeared on musical, cultural and educational programs carried by WRCU-FM in Hamilton, NY and by WGBB-AM on Long Island. He has also been featured in The Love Jones Revived Show in Miami as a Spoken Word Artist during which he has presented his Neurofusion Poetry including MedRap, Black White Race, Sex and Sports and USA-World Poetry Slam.

While wasting away in Miami, the Caribbean and now Philadelphia compiling a treasury of illegible essays and poems to form works such as Van Gross of Monte Cristo, The Five Books and scrawling the nearly incoherent but Writer’s Digest award winning fictionalized medical adventure, i.e., the play, Movement Disorder, Van Gross, MD also paces and exhibits circling behavior, characteristic of the deranged in preparation for his next radio, lecture or writing gig.

So, the Five Books of Van Gross’s covers important years in the Aughts, in this lead up to this retro Roaring decade. And don’t worry, Van Gross, MD has material for follow up works for other intercurrent years in this wild and wacky 21st century. It’s kind of crazy, but many of the same characters from the Aughts somehow resurface today. Karzai, Rudy, Bidey, Kerry, Iranians, Climate Players and even versions of Bush and The Cheney Man. We’re just doing reruns!! But I’ve got a book for that (in the works supplementing if not magnifying the mega-impact of the Five Books collection).

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The Five Books of Van Gross’s uses invented names in all stories

except notable public figures, companies, organizations, groups

and countries which are the subjects of satire and parody. Any

other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

-Kenneth Bruce Van Gross, MD

THEY SHOOT

LESBIANS,

DON’T THEY?

BOOK ONE

Satirical Essays

on Bush, Cheney, Kerry, Edwards and the

World from April to November 2004

APRIL AND MAY 2004

BOB WOODWARD DECIDES: I’M SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE IN BUSH’S SHORTS

by Van Gross, MD

April 19, 2004

B ob Woodward, in a follow-up to his Insider -style revelation on 60 Minutes about President Bush’s run-up to the Iraq War, has announced his permanent relocation into the underwear of the Commander in Chief.

Microphones, interviews, even wearing bugs and wires are just too cumbersome at this point. I’m just going to pursue a kind of Siamese Twin attachment to the President so in case Colin hears something again from Dubya after some Saudi does, I’ll be able to break the story immediately, noted the journalist.

Actually, Colin’s name had given me an idea about where I might implant myself in the President, but then I passed on that plan. I mean, I am anal, but that was getting a little ridiculous, he went on to say.

"As I revealed on 60 Minutes, Woodward noted, whereas the identity of ‘Deep Throat’ remains a mystery, in this generation’s Watergate i.e., the Iraq War), the identity of ‘the Snitch’ is hardly controversial; it’s me . . . ‘Deep Small Intestine.’"

You see, to recapitulate because I am anal, if I had attached myself to Bush’s rectum, I would be too close to the large intestine, also known as the Colon. I couldn’t be that close to the Secretary of State because it would seem that I might have been biased. In any case, for some reason, I also needed to acknowledge the wishes arguing against a Colon attachment made by another heroic African American, Condy Rice, who believes I am full of it anyway. Listen, I don’t think it’s a stretch to argue that Condy is in Bush’s back pocket. It’s Mr. Large Intestine who seems kind of reluctantly attached to the President and his asinine war plans. Am I being too anal here? the senior reporter continued.

Woodward then commented, So, basically, all the doctors are doing is to place me underneath Bush’s briefs, talk about a Presidential briefing, and simply making a small incision so they can pop me under his skin . . . I know this is as boring as me talking to Mike Wallace . . . and suture me to the jejunum, which is a part of the small intestine. I guess the jejunum is where Bush keeps those influential Hebrews like Perle and Wolfowitz. Hey, I have experience attaching to Jews anyway. I worked with Carl Bernstein, didn’t I?

You talk about access to the President, it will be unprecedented, he said. I’ll be able to get instant play by play about any further wars Bush talks about. To tell you the truth, for the bigger picture, it might be a good idea to get to the heart of the matter by getting inside Cheney, so Carl is working on having DeBakey insert him into Dick’s left ventricle. It’s crowded in the right one. There’s a pacemaker there already.

You see if Carl had been placed into the jejunum, where I’m going, it would have seemed too oriented to Jewish special interests—you know with Perle and Wolfowitz there and everything. Am I being too anal by repeating that? Am I speaking slowly enough, so every word I say takes on a level of importance that wouldn’t be there if I spoke at a regular rate? Speaking of regularity, do I . . . need . . . a . . . laxative???? questioned the Pulitzer Prize winner.

You know Laura has expressed some consternation about my Bush anastomosis, the Washington Post writer noted. I informed her that it’s ‘a good ol’ Texas-style threesome.’ She told me she had never heard of a ‘good ol’ Texas-style threesome.’ I then repeated the words in my characteristic measured tone for heightened gravitas ‘a . . . good . . . ol’ . . . Texas- . . . style . . . threesome,’ to which she responded in her own very measured style . . ., ‘Get . . . the . . . hell . . . out . . . of . . . here.’ I asked her if Condy or Colon or a Saudi Ambassador had known she was going to say this to me, at which point the First Lady grabbed a small TV, which was replaying Mike Wallace interviewing me, and threw the thing at my head, causing me to strike the ground and then start speaking in an even slower, more measured style. I said to the First Lady, ‘Can . . . you . . . tell . . . Colon . . . you . . . launched . . . a . . . war . . . strike . . . against . . . me . . ., and . . . did . . . you . . . discuss . . . this . . . with . . . the . . . Saudis?’

Mrs. Bush then brought six or seven Saudis into the room, Woodward stated, and mumbled something about putting me in a Presidential colostomy bag. Shockingly, Colin was not there at the time. One of the Saudis said he was in the bathroom. I queried the Muslim billionaire again, this time elaborating in my very characteristic monotonous and lugubrious asking, ‘Are . . . you . . . telling . . . me . . . that . . . you . . . knew . . . that . . . Laura . . . wanted . . . me . . . in . . . a . . . colostomy . . . bag . . . before . . . Colin?’

The next thing I remembered was waking up in some kind of Endoscopy Suite in a hospital with them getting ready to shove a tube down my throat because my duodenal ulcer started bleeding due to the fact that Rumsfeld had electrocuted my innards by shoving the antennae into my gizzard from the TV Laura had thrown at my head, noted Bob Dubya.

The All the President’s Men protagonist then concluded: Carl and Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford and the owner of Simon and Shuster and Carly Simon and James Taylor and the heads of Viacom and CBS and Mike Wallace and Morley Safer and Ed Bradley and Mitch Albom and the Five People you meet in Heaven were all there. Then I saw Sam Irvin and Michael Irvin, and then I hear this bellowing voice right as they gave me my deep gullet anesthesia . . . It was a real slow baritone voice that barked out, ‘I . . . am . . . the . . . President . . . Let . . . me . . . make . . . one . . . thing . . . perfectly . . . clear . . . Bob . . . Woodward . . ., you . . . are . . . the . . . most . . . boring . . . narcissist . . . in . . . the . . . history . . . of . . . the . . . planet . . . plus . . . you . . . look . . . nothing . . . like . . . Redford.’

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MARY J. BLIGE AWARDED PHD IN REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGY . . . ALSO NOTES, I BE SHAKIN’ MY GROOVE TANG WITH ED BRADLEY

by Van Gross, MD

April 20, 2004

M ary J. Blige has announced that she will be having Ed Bradley’s child in January. The blonde/black pop star noted,

"Yuh see . . . after we be talkin’ on duh 60 Minute ’bout my research in duh PMS, duh bruddah u know he started tuggin’ on his earring . . . and I started gettin’ aroused . . . like u know . . . I be gettin’ sum frum duh Geezer . . . cuz den he started tuggin’ on his self . . . while he be aksing me ’bout my copious vaginal secretions during the phase of the menstrual cycle that precedes the uterine endothelial shedding."

Advised that the name of the news program is 60 Minutes, Mary J. countered, Y’all hear of 50 Cent? I let him gimme a whoopin’ once. Well, it not ‘50 Cents’ . . it be ‘50 Cent’ y’all . . . Matter of fact . . . wit duh commercials and whatnot . . . I gonna be aksing Don Hewitt to change duh name of duh show to ‘50 Minute’ . . . or ‘3/4 of an Hour’ ’cause it be duh same tang y’all . . . That’s it: we call it ‘3 Quarter.’

Asked to elaborate on her research into the Premenstrual Syndrome, Miss Blige first wanted to express thanks to Harvard University for using her song PMS to create a fellowship in Female Reproductive Physiology and Endocrinological Regulation to be chaired by a sistuh Ed Bradley wants me to do while he be conductin’ another interview on ‘3 Quarter.’ Miss Blige this week will also be given an honorary PhD at the Harvard Doctoral Society following the delivery of her dissertation on G Protein Mitochondrial Effects on Cyclic AMP in Mammalian Gonadal Tissue. The researcher noted, "I have been perplexed by the biochemical variability of the G Protein based upon ribosomal RNA alterations in vitro."

But dat honky Morley Safer told me after my last show to ‘concentrate on my G Spot,’ the singer noted . . . U know I don’t need to be takin’ dat from sum white ol’ man . . . so I start hittin’ him wit dat whip Mike Wallace gave me . . . dat when Andy Rooney start doin’ dat domestic violence tang to me . . . dat nasty gray bastard . . . I call him ‘Hunderd,’ . . . and dat when Ed Bradley start makin’ me feel so goooooooood . . . We gonna name duh baby 3, u know . . . short for duh show ‘3 Quarter’ and all dat y’all.

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PRESIDENT BUSH AND VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY REVEALED AS BODY PARTS OF EX-CHICAGO BEAR LINEBACKER DICK BUTKUS SUPPLEMENTED BY SOME Y. A. TITTLE

by Van Gross, MD

April 21, 2004

Y ou see, it all started when Dick Butkus, then an intoxicated college kid, was making believe he was playing for the Bears against the New York Giants after the championship game in 1963 at Soldier Field in Chicago. He jumped out of the stands deliriously and absolutely leveled Y. A. Tittle, the bald quarterback, in the back field.

When Dick got up, well, most of Y. A. wasn’t there; as the QB’s career ground to a halt, for some reason, everybody started calling Dick Reflector Head.

When his pro career in Chicago began a few months later, his teammates detected that Dick seemed to have picked up a few pounds, maybe an extra arm and leg, that he hid kind of well. But let’s just say that football players are not Medical Sherlock Holmes or Dr. Watsons for that matter. I mean, Brian Piccolo was half dead before anyone decided he had lost a step or two. The man had dropped 190 pounds, and George Halas thought he had a cold.

Anyway, Duh Bears came up with the idea of getting Duh Transplant Doctor from Duh Northwestern Medical School and turning Duh Dick/Y. A. into two spin-offs called Dick Cheney and George W. Bush. The doctor had watched one too many reruns of The 6 Million Dollar Man and decided to pop a world leader brain gene into each humanoid, and so . . . here we are today.

We just felt in these times of truth telling, we’d bring back Duh Dick/Y. A. to appear before the 9/11 Commission as a single biological structure. I hope the commissioners understand that the entity is simply nasty and stupid, but that’s genetic engineering for you!

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC PULLS TROOPS OUT OF IRAQ . . . SAMMY SOSA TO REMAIN TO HEAD CORK GUN BRIGADE

by Van Gross, MD

April 21, 2004

T he Dominican Republic announced today that it would be pulling out its three-hundred-man fighting unit from the army of coalition forces in Iraq.

Many U.S. Marines were observed swooning upon hearing the news. I just don’t know how I can live through another day without them, said Sergeant J. P. MacArthur, Purple Heart Leader of the Coalition’s RMD (Radical Muslim Destruction) unit. "They were such vicious warriors, even though we needed to remind them often to remove the cork from the barrel of their guns.

On the other hand, we ultimately did accommodate some highly trained Dominican soldiers, continued the sergeant. "We provided them with actual