Listening to Her Own Voice

By Colleen MacFarlane

Rosa Kerker's journey is a true account of a young girl's emigration with her family to America in 1866. Her parents and six siblings settled in Chaska, Minnesota, persevering through harsh winters, disease, and the stigma of her sister's suicide.
Raised in a strong Catholic family, Rosa was drawn to the convent at a young age. This is a novel of historical fiction and is inspired by Rosa's quest to find fulfillment and happiness in a religious community, despite seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Rosa's story is a revelation about a woman who learned how important it is to listen to her own voice.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Colleen MacFarlane
• Release date: Oct 21, 2021

Colleen MacFarlane

Colleen MacFarlane has been a genealogy enthusiast for several years. She was born and raised in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Her first book, Listening to Her Own Voice, chronicles the life of her 2nd great aunt who immigrated to Chaska, Minnesota, in 1866 from Switzerland and who went on to live a most inspiring life. Colleen enjoys both reading and writing historical fiction. She holds a Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology and an MBA. Both degrees influence the characters she writes about and the dilemmas they find themselves in. She is a retired therapist and financial educator. Colleen has also authored several papers related to current events for a worldwide employee assistance firm in addition to writing articles for independent newsletters in Raleigh, North Carolina, where she currently resides.

Book preview

Listening to

Her Own Voice

Colleen B. MacFarlane

A work of fiction inspired by the life of Rosa Kerker. Some characters, places and events are the products of the author’s imagination.

Copyright © 2021 Colleen B. MacFarlane

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

Cover design by Jasmine Smith

ISBN: 9798517912688

Printed in the United States of America

First Edition, Self-Published

DEDICATION

With love and gratitude to my Great Great Grandfather, John Kerker. His adventurous spirit and musicianship have passed to the generations that followed.

To Agnes Kerker, my beloved 2nd great aunt. God rest her soul. And most of all, to my 2nd great aunt, Rosa Kerker, who happily found her life’s fulfillment with the Sisters of Christian Charity and led a most exemplary life.

CONTENTS

AUF WIEDERSEHEN, SCHWEIZ

ARRIVAL IN CHASKA

GUARDIAN ANGELS

DOUBLE WEDDING

DOTTY WARREN

SISTER PAULINE VON MALLINCKRODT

AGNES

CATHOLIC FAITH RENOUNCED

GARNERING SUPPORT

PAPA KERKER

DELIVERING ON A PROMISE

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

A VERY FERVENT NOVITIATE

SISTER ANTONIS

A WELCOME RETURN TO MINNEAPOLIS

HOLY TRINITY, NEW ULM

FLU PANDEMIC - 1918

ST. CATHERINE’S, A DIFFERENT CALLING

NORMANDY ORPHANAGE – 1925

THE TWENTIES STOPPED ROARING

SPIRITUAL GUIDE – 1941

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To Mary Kate Burns, who through her enthusiasm and warmth, provided me the encouragement to see my project through to its completion.

To my husband, Bruce, who helped with many ideas, traveled with me while I delved into my research in Minnesota and Illinois, and ran our household so that I could focus on my writing.

Many thanks to Robert van Keuren, whose research, humor, and editing made the writing of my book more enjoyable than I could have ever imagined.

PROLOGUE

The decision to become a nun is not for the faint of heart. Cowards need not apply. It doesn’t matter which order a young woman considers because each and every one requires a lifetime of dedication. Integrity, maturity, prayer and fierce determination are all part of the job’s requirements.

Once the process begins, applicants live as novitiates for several years. There are no other apprenticeships on earth that compare to the journey one takes upon herself when beginning life in the convent.

Rosa’s curiosity to live such a life began when she was twelve. No one in her family had chosen such a future, even though she’d come from a strong Catholic heritage. She’d not considered this kind of life from a practical viewpoint yet. Most importantly, Rosa could never anticipate that the convent would turn her away.

Her two closest allies, her sisters, Monica and Antonia, encouraged her to follow her heart. But how will Rosa figure out what that means? How will she acquire the strength and knowledge to know what is in her heart? How will she find her own voice? Rosa faced numerous conflicts, and plenty of people heaving advice on her to suit their own needs.

Rosa tried to take a short cut in solving her puzzle by demanding a sign from God. When God provided the sign, Rosa ignored it.

Who among us has not tried to make a deal with God at some critical point in our lives?  When we face a potential life-changing event, we might pray, ‘Dear God, help me with this, and I promise I’ll transform my life.’

Under stress, Rosa had made such a promise. Once God fulfilled Rosa’s request, she tried to untangle herself from her impulsive pledge. Uncertain and confused, Rosa next tried bargaining with God. Rosa would soon learn that there would be no quick nor easy answers.

Rosa had no way of knowing that a suicide, a promise, a marriage proposal, and her father’s death would profoundly influence the choices she would face. Rosa would be tested in every way possible.

CHAPTER 1

AUF WIEDERSEHEN, SCHWEIZ

Rosa, come downstairs at once. No more tomfoolery. We must get to the theater now. The whole town of Chaska will be in attendance for our performance this afternoon, Papa exclaimed looking up from the bottom of the stairs toward Rosa’s room. Good grief, what is taking you so long?

Alone in her room, Rosa was steeling herself against what was quickly showing itself as full-blown panic. Rosa was to have learned her lines as the younger sister to the lead in one of her father’s German plays, but instead Rosa had been preoccupied with thoughts that had recently become more important to her. Rosa hungered to learn about life in the convent.

Today she painfully recalled a recent performance when she’d forgotten one of her lines. Her error resulted in seeing the look of sharp disappointment in her father’s eyes, which belied his words of encouragement. Rosa had tried hard to forget the first blunder she’d ever made in front of an audience. At the age of nine, while her parents watched, right there on center stage, her feet tangled together and bam, she was face down on the floor.

Rosa hadn’t disclosed to anyone yet why she’d neglected perfecting her lines. But her interest in a religious vocation had begun to overshadow her every waking hour. Her interest had been piqued recently after her teacher told the class a grand story about the Sisters of Mercy who had bravely helped soldiers from both the Union and Confederate armies during the Civil War, despite death threats and combating infectious diseases.

Rosa had no facts about this vocation, so she was hesitant about disclosing her new desire to her parents. And as strong as her yearning was, she thought it only a dream. Acting in her father’s play had become a distraction instead of a joy. Thoughts about this new vocation instead tugged at her heart.

It was typical for Rosa to worry that she would not be good enough, regardless of the task at hand. Today, she feared that the audience would notice that she’d not practiced enough, which would be proof once again that she was not good enough. You can do it. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Rosa prayed. Surely, I will perform well. My family is depending on me. My performance must be a success.

Stage fright had Rosa in its grips, and for good reason. Her performance was in two hours. Rosa recalled her father’s initial description of stage fright after her first trip-and-fall escapade. Rosa regretted that she’d not practiced more, Papa, she said as she rushed to his side, what if I make a mistake?

Rosa, I’m counting on you. I know you have the talent to deliver an A plus performance.

Ever since the family had arrived in Chaska in 1866, John ‘Papa’ Kerker had spent much of his spare time entertaining the residents with his production of German plays. By 1873, Papa Kerker was the musical director of two singing groups; the Concordia and the Celia societies. His perfectionism and demands on his family’s performances were well-known in Chaska. His now experienced children had long ago learned to acquiesce to Papa’s direction, in life as in music.

Rosa, what is it that has you so distracted today?

Nothing Papa. I would just rather be with my friends.

We’ll discuss this tomorrow. Today, you must perform at your utmost.

Rosa, trying her best to perform to her parents’ expectations, performed as she had hoped. She managed to remember all of her lines, and her brief piano performance elicited the applause from a most receptive audience.

*******************

In her mind, Rosa had thus far divided her life into two parts:  her pre-emigration life in Switzerland; and her new life in America. So determined were her parents to achieve their dream to come to America, that they’d imparted the news to the family one year earlier, in the spring of 1865. Rosa and her siblings had anticipated the date of their ocean voyage with a blend of fear and excitement. All seven children spoke often to their parents of their love for their home in St. Gallen. But Papa and their mother, Anna Marie, had made up their minds. They felt their opportunities for the family in St. Gallen were limited. John and Anna Marie were devotees of adventure, and felt there was greater wealth awaiting them in America. There would be nothing and no one to dissuade them. 

Usually an obedient child, Rosa rarely stepped out of line, as it would always be one of her older brothers or sisters who would see to it that she was duly reprimanded. Rosa never wanted to rock the boat. That was a burden she left to Agnes, whose main talent was rocking the boat whenever and wherever she found the opportunity.

Why do we have to leave? Rosa’s then nine-year-old sister Agnes protested. All of my friends are here, she pleaded. I’m afraid of the ocean. I’ll never ever see my friends again.

Agnes dearly loved St. Gallen. Each time she gazed at the alps from their home, she was enchanted by their majestic grandeur. She loved her daily life in Switzerland and imagined enjoying a long and predictable life in the only home she’d ever known. Agnes had already planned to obtain a college degree, teach, marry and have her children in St. Gallen.

Papa’s announcement had launched Agnes into a panic.  Papa, I’m frightened. Surely we can be just as happy here! Agnes did not care about her father’s talk of following his dream. At the age of nine, she was already full of vinegar, stomping her feet, and generally testing how far she could push her father with her temper. 

Papa Kerker, would look at her and, even when Agnes was in one of her darkest moods, he saw only delight in her animations. Her ivory skin turned bright red when she got herself into one of her many fights, determined to influence him with her side of the story. Papa loved this about Agnes, as she reminded him of himself. Agnes was a beautiful young girl, with the same hazel eyes as he, his high cheekbones, lightly curled dark hair and an unmistakable sharp wit showing itself lately with increased frequency.

But what of this new land? Papa Kerker said to his clan of seven. It will be a grand adventure for each and every one of us. We could own lots of land. We could even start a new town and name it Kerkersville. The children knew their papa was kidding, so, despite protests by any of them, they knew they must prepare for their impending journey.

Agnes objected the most loudly against the long trip to an unimaginable foreign small town. Minnesota? What a strange name! Who wants to live there? Not me! Minnesota could never be as beautiful as my St. Gallen.

Papa, ever-patient with Agnes, sat down next to her and put his arm around her. She leaned into the comfort of his embrace as he explained the name as told him by a friend who had already settled there. My dear Agnes, Minnesota takes its name from the Dakota Indians living there.  Their name was Wat-pa-minne-sotah. It translates as the river of the cloudy, sky-tinted water. The state was named in 1852 by their political authority, called Congress.

I’d rather be near clear water, what’s the matter with their water? Agnes groused.

I’m sure the water there is plentiful and beautiful. We’ll see when we get there how magnificent it is.

Papa, why are we going to such a small town called Chaska? 

There are more opportunities in this new town. I have contacts there, who are also from Switzerland. Did you know that the name Chaska is derived from a Dakota Indian word given as a name to male children?  If the first-born child of a Dakota couple was male, he would be called Chaska; if the child was a female, she would be named Winona.

Rosa spoke up to agree with her sister, Agnes. Papa, Agnes and I want to stay. Monica, why don’t you stay in St. Gallen and take care of us.

Yes, Monica, please stay. Please.  Agnes resounded.

In a half-hearted attempt to assuage her two young sisters, Monica turned to Papa and said, Papa, perhaps Agnes, Rosa and I could stay behind and live in St. Gallen. Our neighbors can help us. You could send money so we could eat and attend school.

No, your mother and I insist that the family remain together. We’ve been planning this voyage for over a year. Monica, you’re very young and you cannot care for Agnes and Rosa by yourself.  You’re in high school and you cannot be burdened with raising your siblings.

Monica, Agnes, Rosa, we are one family and we will make this trip as a family, Anna Marie said, casting the final word on the matter.

Rosa was closest to Agnes, who was four years older than she. Rosa often stuck close to Agnes; typically walking along side Agnes in their treks to school. Agnes, you’re not going to run away from home, are you? Rosa pried one day during their walk.

Agnes stopped, putting her hands on Rosa’s shoulders Where can I go? I’m so young, and I’d miss my family too much. Dear sister, I would miss you the most.

Agnes knew she could never leave her family. Despite her protests to her father, she loved him dearly, and enjoyed her role as daddy’s girl. Papa often took her out for ice cream in St. Gallen. When her mother disciplined Agnes, she would go to Papa and predictably get his sympathy. This often irritated her mother, who gave her husband one of her ‘looks.’ At times, Rosa envied the special time Agnes could spend with Papa, but Rosa had her own way of getting her parent’s attention. She’d figured out from watching her older brother, Joseph Thomas, that being a musician and actress held the potential to award her the approval she craved.

Rosa too, loved St. Gallen. Rosa recalled with delight her first visit to the Abbey in St. Gallen, when her brother Dag took her earlier that year. One day, he took her by her hand, and with a twinkle in his eye as though he’d had a big secret to share, said, Rosa, let’s you and I visit the cathedral today. It’s over one thousand years old, and more beautiful than anything I’ve ever seen. There’s no cathedral like it anywhere in the world.

What makes it so special, Dag?’

Well, first of all, when we walk in, you’ll see that the Abbey is so large, you’ll need to squint to see the altar at the other end.

Look at the two statues at the front door, Dag, they’re taller than you and Papa together.

Rosa, there’s also a library here, and it’s larger than any library I’ve ever heard of. It has thousands of old books. Two thousand of these books are hand written, and some of them are over eight hundred years old.

Dag opened the door, and as Rosa walked in and eyed this grand cathedral, she thought she’d walked into heaven itself. The paintings of men, horses, scenes, the sky, all of it too beautiful to believe it had all been hand painted, some of it in gold. Dag, how was the ceiling painted?

The artists’ work was the result of years of painstaking effort. Only the best artists in the land were commissioned to tackle such a spectacular vision as this. Once we leave St. Gallen, we may never again see architecture as magnificent as this.

Dag, maybe you and I will be able to see the Abbey again. Agnes and I have already promised we’ll come back when we’re older.

Rosa had a particular admiration for her big brother Dagobert. He was the oldest of all of the siblings. Dag, as he was frequently called, strongly disliked his name. Shortening it to Dag seemed more tolerable to him. Papa had named him after his uncle and told him it was a grand name that meant bright day. His brother, Joseph Thomas, shortening his name to J.T., once jokingly said, Dag, once I get married, I’ll name my first son Dagobert! This set off a round of laughter between the parents, quickly followed by Dag and J.T. Laughter in the Kerker household was contagious and soon the younger ones were joining in on the fun.

Dag was eighteen by the time the family departed from Switzerland.  He reminded Rosa of her father. Dag, too, was a teacher and he resembled Papa physically, except that he stood five feet nine inches tall, much shorter than her father’s six feet in height. Dagobert conveyed a soft spirit, making him approachable to his students. Dag had already decided that he wanted to teach grade school in America. Rosa thought teachers earned lots of money, so she too envisioned the teaching profession for herself.

In one last effort, and for Agnes’s sake, Rosa made her case to Dag to remain in Switzerland. Dag had just begun to teach Rosa the piano. One day, while alone with Dag in the family parlor, Rosa lobbied Dag to help the family remain in the comfort of their current home.  Dag, can’t you convince father to allow us to remain in Switzerland?

Our parent’s decision is final, Rosa.

What about our belongings? What about our beautiful pictures? All of our family memories are here. There are so many here in this room. How can we leave these behind?

Rosa, we’ll bring what we are able to carry, but most of our furniture will be sold with our home.

Dag, how can you and Papa give up your teaching careers? Wouldn’t you rather have your life here?

No, Rosa, I would not. The opportunities here are diminishing. Father, Mother and I agree that there are many more opportunities for work in Minnesota.

More than teaching?

Yes. Father, myself and J.T. all hope to make names for ourselves in the German singing societies and producing and acting in plays. Father has several contacts in Chaska and he’s confident that he and I can both secure jobs as teachers.

What about Antonia, Christina and Monica?  What will we girls do?  I think Christina and Antonia are nervous about the voyage. They’re not protesting as loudly as Agnes, but I know they worry about what their futures will hold.

Rosa, I hope that we all fall in love, marry, and have as many children as we like. Have you thought about your life in America?

Dag, I’m too young. I just want our family to stay together. I want you to give me piano lessons, and I hope more than anything that I like my teachers. Agnes and I are worried about our voyage across the ocean. We could drown or become ill. How can it be that you’re not as concerned as we are?

Father and Mother have been planning our voyage for several years. They feel now is the time to go because the fees for the voyages have dropped. I agree with them, and I’m ready to go. Rosa, I promise that our voyage will go well. And I promise you’ll love our new home. 

Once we arrive, Dag, how will we survive? We’ll have no place to live.

Dag, giving Rosa his most sincere smile, wrapped his arms around her, Rosa, there are more opportunities in America than we’ll be able to count. Father has two contacts in Chaska. They’re both from Switzerland and they’ve written to father boasting of their successes in Chaska.  One of them, Mr. Keller, owns a bank. He’s all but guaranteed Father that he’ll have the same opportunity to pursue his dreams. The other man, Mr. Gustave Mueller, owns a great deal of land and is a bookkeeper. He’s also written father advising him to come to America.

Will we be wealthy?

We will have more riches, I hope. That is, as long as we work hard as a family.

Dag, if you believe in your heart that this is the best decision, then it must be the right one. So as of today, I look forward to America as much as you, Mother and Father do.

Rosa, once we’re settled and we begin putting on plays, you and Agnes can act and sing in them. When you’re older, you can do anything you set your mind to.

Years later, Rosa would recall this life-altering conversation with Dag.  Perhaps it was even the first time the thought had ever entered her mind that she was in charge of deciding her future.

*******************

Departing from Switzerland proved to be a considerable challenge for the Kerker’s, regardless of their meticulous planning. Despite their courage, it was the emotional departure that took its toll. Rosa fought back her tears as she made her initial step onto the train departing St. Gallen. She thought Agnes may have even been paralyzed with shock.

The trip across Germany took several days. Traversing from Southern to Northern Germany was no small task for the clan of nine. Luckily, by 1865, as Dag had told her, the railway system contained twelve thousand tracks guiding travelers more easily than just three years prior.  After four transfers, the family finished their initial trek, arriving in Hamburg where they would board their ship named the ‘Saxonia’.

The port of Hamburg had become famous throughout Europe. Shipping companies throughout Germany had been constructed to entice immigrants to come through Hamburg. By the time of their departure on June 24th, 1866, more than one million passengers had departed from Hamburg heading for America. As the family arrived, they felt overwhelmed by the deluge of immigrants eager to settle onto their assigned ships. As the Kerker clan boarded the Saxonia, they were welcomed by a man by the name of Captain Parker. There were also several attendants who welcomed each boarder while busily taking down their names, ages, home city and country of origin.

Arm in arm, Agnes and Rosa hugged tightly on to one another, as tears sifted slowly, one by one, down their cheeks.  Rosa, I’m going to miss St. Gallen for the rest of my life. I vow to find a way to return.

Please take me with you when you return, Agnes. Oh my, you’re shivering! I’m sure our voyage will go well. We’ll always look out for one another. I promise that everything will be all right. 

Without loosening their hold on one another, Agnes and Rosa watched as the Saxonia tugged slowly away from the port until the docks and people became only miniscule dots on the shoreline. 

Once the family found the location of their quarters, they settled into a total of three cabins. The third cabin housed Mother, Father, Rosa and Agnes.

As the Saxonia began their long voyage across the Atlantic, Rosa, Agnes, Christina and Antonia all clutched their stomachs trying desperately to keep their recent meal where it belonged.  Mother Anna Marie tried in vain to calm her four youngest, but they were all clutching their guts and gagging in unison, crying, Mother, what’s come over us? Are we going to die? Our heads and stomachs hurt. Will the dizziness ever stop? Anna Marie soothed her children telling them it was only nausea. Dag tried to help too, calling their ailment sea-sickness and in his usual confident tone, stated, Don’t worry, it will pass. You’ll feel well in no time.

Rosa and Agnes were not so easily convinced, as they barely tolerated their wretched vomiting with each jolting movement of the Saxonia. My head feels as though it will explode. I’ll never be able to eat again.

This new sickness waxed and waned for a full week before the agony ceased. The older siblings, too, did not escape feeling ill, but they wisely kept their illnesses subdued so as not to incite their younger, already terrified, siblings.

Sea-sickness had not slowed Papa Kerker’s enthusiasm in the least. He’d wasted no time in swapping stories with the other men; all anticipating their new lives in America. In addition to teaching, Papa and Anna aspired to start their own business. 

Rosa noticed that her father was able to captivate an audience whenever he spoke. Papa could tell stories like no other. When he spoke, his animated expressions commanded attention. His rounded spectacles perfectly framed his deep hazel eyes, while he looked penetratingly at each listener. Papa had a distinguished look, Rosa thought, emanating endless strength and optimism. His manicured goatee added the final note to his distinguished air. During their passage, John Kerker proudly introduced himself, while shaking the hands of total strangers, before launching into plans for his new life. My family and I are moving to the most beautiful valley in Minnesota. We’ll start our own business there, running a hotel and saloon. I’m an experienced teacher and I’m also an accomplished musician.

How will you succeed at such an ambitious venture? inquired each listener with a tone of skepticism in their voices. John replied, with near arrogance, I’ve been writing to an acquaintance who is lives there, and he’s informed me that there is but a few businesses there now. My son and I will teach and then we plan to purchase property. We’ll open a hotel, and we’ll name it the Washington hotel, after the country’s first president, George Washington. I’m an entertainer and my children can act and sing as well. With that, John turned to whomever of his children were nearby and introduced them by name and their talent. John Kerker was a force to be reckoned with, and the idea of failure never entered his mind.

Even though the bout of sea-sickness had abated for Rosa and Agnes, Agnes’s fear of their new home remained with her as strong as ever. There were many nights on the Saxonia that Agnes barely slept. 

Rosa, are you awake? When do you think Mother and Papa will come to bed?

Yes, Agnes, I’m awake. Your rustling has kept me from sleeping. Whatever is on your mind?

I’m homesick. Do you think we will ever see St. Gallen again?

"Agnes, America will be our new home. Dag