Walking in Darkness Then the Light

By David M. Butler

Walking in Darkness then the Light is a true story about my addiction to drugs and how drugs tried to take my life more ways than one. I grew up in a small town in Iowa and very against drugs during my high school days. I was a shy, nerdy athlete. My second year of college, I broke down and tried pot when I was a little depressed. I was instantly addicted and wanted more and more ever since. I feel all drugs are gateway drugs. My addiction started with alcohol and then weed, cocaine, and lastly, crack cocaine.

I got addicted to crack the beginning of July of 2004. I was a teacher then and never expected to be so controlled by a drug before the start of the school year. The month of July, I don't think I slept more than ten hours, so when the school year started the beginning of August, I was already in bad shape. The first semester was hell, and the second semester was worse, and I was on the brink of death. Before that happened, I was arrested on March 1, 2005, which was three weeks after my fortieth birthday.

After the arrest, the next five years were difficult, and I decided to commit suicide. I went home for Christmas one last time in 2010, and then I had a plan to walk into the Gulf of Mexico, never to be seen again in 2011. I went to midnight Mass on Christmas eve of 2010, and that is when I saw the light of the Holy Spirit, and that beautiful radiant light changed my life forever. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are real!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 14, 2021
• ISBN: 9781543498325

Book preview

1

EL PASO

I moved to El Paso, Texas the summer of 1988 after graduating from the University of Northern Iowa. The Ysleta Independent School District recruited me to teach middle school math. Education was my major with an emphasis in math and science. I was looking to move somewhere south to get away from the cold of winter. El Paso is in the very southwest corner of the great state of Texas. The city sits on the borders of Mexico and New Mexico. Also, the city is located close to Phoenix, AZ where some friends of mine lived. Also, Ruidoso, NM was just a couple of hours northeast where it is mountain country and great snow skiing. I didn’t know much about the city, but the weather was what I was looking for. Pretty much sunny and warm for most of the year.

Across the border of Mexico is the city of Juarez, MX. There are 2.5 million plus now, with El Paso included the area is over 3 million people. My first few years living in El Paso, I would go across the border to J-town (That is what you call Juarez living in El Paso) to party at the clubs. Young and dumb I didn’t really think about the dangers of being in another country. Juarez is a city in MX that has a rough, tough and dangerous reputation. At that time the cartels didn’t control J-town like they do now. The people of Mexico are wonderful people, but because of the cartels Mexico gets a bad rap. When we went to J-town it was to drink cheap tequila and cheap Mexican beer not for drugs, because get busted in MX you would probably never been seen again. Anyway, what ever drug I wanted I could get in El Paso.

My first year of teaching I stayed sober during the work day. Starting my second year of teaching I would get high before going to work. It wasn’t long until I would take some with me and get high during the lunch time. I would drive to a park close to school or to a friends’ house to get high before the afternoon classes. Honestly, I still didn’t think I was addicted all I knew I liked smoking weed. I guess I was in denial, but all I knew there was no way I could ever get addicted to drugs, not me.

In college, I did coke a few times, but I didn’t have the cash to buy a lot, so I would just do it at a party or when a bud had some. If someone offered I was all in because it can’t be that bad. I can’t become addicted I’m just having fun and can stop anytime I wanted. I did acid, shrooms and speed during college as well. Not my thing really those drugs didn’t do it for me. There were some dudes that would do like ten tablets at a time, and they were basically zombies. I couldn’t understand how they could do so much of that shit. Well, I guess they were addicted to it and would do it to the point of death. I almost died one night in college doing acid, I guess it was from a bad batch.

My cocaine use increased greatly the first couple of years in El Paso. It got to the point that I would do it every weekend, but not during the week until my last few years in west Texas. I found out how to freebase coke from some people, which is what addicts did before crack was on the streets. I heard about crack and how addictive it was, but my mentality was that I wasn’t addicted to weed and coke, so I can handle crack.

There was no way that this hard drug was as dangerous as they said. The first time I tried crack I was instantly addicted to the powerful drug. I realized that I couldn’t stop, so I was going to either die or be arrested, and I thought I would probably die. There was no way I’d be arrested because I felt I was too smart to be arrested.

2

MISERY

T he depression that you feel once that drug is gone is utterly miserable. The anguish that you put yourself through is unbearable. Oh my God the anguish it gets so bad you just sob because of the despair and pane you feel. Also, the thoughts of suicide so the suffering would end.

To get over the anguish I would drink until I passed out. Anything not to think about the despair, I felt. What a rotten disease addiction is. I do hate it, it’s mis-understood and I don’t understand it myself. Addiction is the disease that leads to other diseases, i.e. lung, liver cancer etc. The crazy thing is that even though you’re dying on the inside, you still, continue using drugs.

I thought I was going to die many times when I used cocaine and crack. Man, at least a couple hundred times, no fooling. I would do so much cocaine and crack pushing it to the limit that I thought my heart was going to explode. Also, I can’t tell you how many times my nose would start bleeding. It was painful to the point that I would have to ice my nose, but when it felt better back to the snorting.

The last couple of years I lived in El Paso I was losing control because of my cocaine use. Probably and eight ball or two. My addiction grew to the point I would do some in my class room on my breaks. I knew that I could die anytime from my cocaine use, so I decided to sell everything including my house and move to the Phoenix area. I had some friends that had moved there after college, so needing a change I moved to Arizona. The summer of 2001 I moved to Tempe, Arizona just a few months before 9/11.

Tempe is the home of Arizona State, so the party scene was in full swing. I found a connection for weed after a few months living in the valley of the sun, but before that I suffered from not having any weed to smoke. Mainly anguish, frustration, and depression, so I was addicted to weed badly. I have heard some people say, You can’t get addicted to weed. I’m here to tell you I was addicted. I don’t think it’s as bad as cocaine and crack though. I craved cocaine, but had no clew where to get it, so I just drank and smoked weed my first