Thoughts I Never Had the Courage to Tell You

By Ella Hyland and Jordyn Hulsey

when i close my eyes,
i hear the same song every time,
and there is always a perfect
burnt-orange sunset,

yet there is something missing;
i am always alone.

Ella Hyland knows firsthand that life can be a challenging journey that includes many diverse emotions.

In her debut collection of poetry, she explores a variety of topics that include love, heartbreak, sadness, false hope, mental illness, and dark thoughts. While providing others with a safe place to reflect on their own challenges, Ella shares poems that address real-life issues like the kind of love that hurts so badly you feel you’ll never love again, the dark thoughts that keep you awake at night you’re too afraid to tell anyone about, the periods of elation and depression that accompany mental illness, and all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens that suck the life out of hope and leave despair in its place.

Thoughts I Never Had the Courage to Tell You is a compilation of free verse that offers a glimpse into a teenager’s journey through life as she courageously faces the reality of love, heartache, and everything in between.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Feb 8, 2021
• ISBN: 9781663216991

Ella Hyland

Ella Hyland copes with her emotions by writing, and listening to sad songs in the dark. She relies on her friends for everything, including help with her first book. Ella, who loves easily, is grateful to share her story.

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Copyright © 2021 Ella Hyland.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Not all topics discussed in these poems are based on true events, as they discuss very dark issues.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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ISBN: 978-1-6632-1698-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-1699-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021900821

iUniverse rev. date:    02/08/2021

for trip: fly high, little man. we love you always.

for dad: i’m always thinking of you. i love you always.

for j and q: my forever friends. i love you always.

for tp and morg: for never leaving my side. i love you always.

contents

love

mental illness

thoughts in the dark

thoughts for you

love

sometimes i think it’s funny

how none of my poems are about true love.

the kind of love

that hurts so badly

you want to rip your heart

out of your chest.

i assume this is because

i’ve never been in love before

at least not like in the movies,

and sometimes i crave it.

other times i consider myself lucky

for never having that exact

heart-wrenching feeling

of missing someone.

now i’m writing this,

wanting to know exactly how i should feel:

grateful or excluded?

part of me wants to know what it’s like

to fall in and out of love,

but the other part of me

doesn’t want to feel absolutely anything else.

so for now, my poems will stay

around the topics i’m familiar with,

because as of now,

i’m too afraid to fall in love.

welcome to thoughts i never had the courage to tell you

the toxicity arises each morning

with your horrid breath

tracing the outlines of my stomach,

all the way down,

every

fucking

morning.

you watch me intently

as i get out of bed

and dress for the day,

but somehow your gaze drops

until the clothes come off again

later that night.

i don’t recall the last time

you called me beautiful,

but sexy is an everyday occurrence.

i always tell you

how much