Elliott Potter and the Wizard's Stonepath

By Aimwater

When she discovered that Jim Morrison of The Doors read "The History of Magic" by Kurt Seligmann, she bought it. Though she's not a reader, she liked the illustrations and incorporated some of the characteristics of "Hermetic Conversation" in her cover, since the other picture, which inspired her from a 1960's Good Housekeeping magazine also had two people talking. In reference to her book, the twelve keys can be referred to the 12 months of the year, since she includes dates when she's writing. They can also be referred to the different journals she writes in that are being held like cards. The position of the stars were like the luck of the draw relating to agriculture back then, which is why I put the "cheddar" man wizard on the "basil" card, which looks like Stonehenge, for the cover. He also appears to be a flask used in alchemy to create the philosopher's tincture.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 12, 2020
• ISBN: 9781664122895

Book preview

Aimwater

Elliott Potter

and the

Wizard’s

Stonepath

Copyright © 2020 by Aimwater.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 08/12/2020

Xlibris

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Contents

Doorways to the Soul

Soul Journal

Gorey Journal

Redstone Journal

Dreams Journal

Ribbon Journal

27 Journal

Cassette Journal

Gothic Journal

Journal Woodland

Gold Heart Journal

Fame Journal

Marilyn Monroe Journal

Cottage Journal

Book 3

Book 4

Book 5

Doorways to the Soul

Write about the doors that are opening or closing in your life.

6/1/98

The doors that are closing in my life are past relationships that weren’t healthy to begin with which become stale. The doors that are opening are closer relationships with family members by being honest. Discovering new people and places is a door that is opening. Reliving the distant past by remembering small details. Reaching a full potential in a relationship is opening a door. Opening up to people and being open to them. Being patient with people opens a door. Closing the door on negativity and letting light ___ occurring. Shutting out relationships that aren’t growing and false. Letting in positive forces that act as a fool to ___ opens ___ is wide open to kindness, thoughtfulness ___ turn the knob. The door will be forced open ___ but will be tightly closed until the guest ___ without a guest, the door will not open. One must ___ a hall of doors so they won’t be looking ___ walls. The doors open with a bright light and a room ___ fool comfortable in. My room would be surrounded in love, the spaces filtering out the negativity and the ___ daintily holding positivity together. A canopy ___ guarding the subconscious occupies the room. A ___ mashes the room and yourself together. The door behind waiting for a visitor who will be ___

Soul Journal

REMEMBERING

Write about what you remember from either your childhood, young adulthood, or any time. Remembering is a part of healing, a part of understanding. As you begin to write, you may remember things you thought you forgot or have wanted to forget. In the telling there is healing. Include what you saw, felt, heard—all of it. Bring it to life. If it is a painful memory, visualize bringing your adult self with you as you go back to that time. Have your adult self do or say whatever you needed at that time to take care of yourself.

5/30/98

I remember being able to look at a tree just like the one on this page and really admire it, because I was so naive. I can still appreciate these things today and wonder why nobody else does. Why don’t people just sit and ponder like I am doing on this Saturday night, writing on this journal, feeling privileged. This pencil blending into the tree as if it’s wind. People going away to college and not appreciating the essence of humans or doing nothing. Someone who doesn’t take the time to arrange their room disturbs me. Shouldn’t you feel comfortable in your own space? Someone who grows up too fast and expands is really trying to escape from a miserable childhood. I used to sing to the trees in the woods—well, actually sing to God or myself by the trees. I had one favorite tree. That tree was the one with a chain on it. It was a big tree. I wonder if the chain is still there. Trees are my friends. My mother opened me up to nature, and I discovered it. Without the woods in my backyard, a part of me would be missing. My room is next to the woods. When I have children, I will introduce them to nature also woods. When I have children I ___

Gorey Journal

4/19/99

10:00 p.m.

I’ve decided to start my diary today, because today was a horrible day. I really wanted this book, and it would be a perfect diary since I don’t know what else to do with it. I’m not organized, so I don’t jot down dates. I keep them in my head, and I remember them better that way. I made an effort to write down my appointment with my shrink on my calendar at work for a change, but it just sat there. Sure, this morning there was a whisper to remind me, but it was only a whisper. But at least it was printed so neatly on the calendar. This is the perfect outlet. I’m pretending to be someone I’m not, and it backfires. I will never be normal. I’m doing better. So much better. I have all of this energy, and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel giddy like a child even though I should be acting like an adult. Maybe I should tell my shrink to cut my dosage. I don’t want to get married or have kids. I told myself that I would save my money, because my last bonus, I went on a spending spree. Since Service Merchandise is going out of business, I decided to take a peek. I bought a pocket watch for $50 and a trunk for $50. I’ve wanted both for a while now, but the point is that I broke the seal, and now I’m going to think I can spend money on anything. What really broke the seal was this speeding ticket I got tonight for $250. I knew there was a reason why I was hesitating to spend my bonus. And of course, I had to call my mother, because she claims she has all these connections; but it was worthless and humiliating. She said it’s time to act like an adult, and I said it’s time for freedom (now that I’m on my own). She also said my license will be taken away and I will have to go to classes. I wouldn’t mind going back to school, and there are interesting people on the bus. I made sure that this morning I got to work a little bit early and looked appropriate since I was stressed and there was a meeting. I tried to be perfect, but it failed. At the end of the day, a guy at work asked me if I could fix something, and I said I could, and I screwed it up. He just put his head down in shame. What I’ve noticed is men like women and things to go more smoothly.

Today Kathy brought her new baby in. It was emotional. She was a rebel. You have to be a rebel. I am going to pretend that today didn’t happen. Christina and I are going out for my birthday. She is half Puerto Rican and half Italian. She is fun unlike Dellene or anyone else. I’m just going to bed now and sleep comfortably, because I know I can pay the ticket and can put up with the policeman yelling at me because I’ve been in two abusive relationships, and know that I am going to marry a rich man who is sensitive and understanding. Hopefully, that spring high will remain but not get me into trouble. Another thing is that I’m not looking forward to having people over. I’m content alone. Everyone has treated me like shit anyway, and my friends are going to cuddle with their ugly boyfriends. Writing in this diary reminds me of when I used to pour my heart out to Jess by writing him in the military. Where is his now? Who knows. He doesn’t care about me. No one does. I will pour myself into art and music since it is all I have. I don’t need anyone. Not even a shrink because I will not change, and I’m only seeing her to make my mom happy and Todd happy since he always said I needed to see one. I don’t care if something bad happens because life is too good now, and something is bound to knock me down. But I am finally breathing in the fresh air. People just want to tie me down, because they have more responsibility than me. I am asexual. No sex for me.

Redstone Journal

6/21/13

I have been in my art studio for 4 months. I am in it now. What an appropriate page to begin on since the opposite page has words. Today is Jesse Malin’s birthday backward. I dropped out of college while studying English like I did in April 1994. Shortly afterward.

I showed up at the D Generation concert after it ended and was intimidated by Jesse Malin, the lead singer, because of how attractive he was. We never looked at each other in the eye, but I spoke to one of the band members, and I told him how I was going to school to become a nurse when I decided to pull out a chair and sit in the middle of the stage. I failed nursing because I was attracted to the music scene and majored in art instead. Now I have a mental illness, which changes everything. I have been seeing a psychologist around the time Staind became famous. I’m not blaming them, since mental illness usually begins around that age. I went from having sex every day to none, and on top of it, my ex-boyfriend was seeing a stripper. He was a musician, and I didn’t want to date anyone like him because it would remind me of him and my loss. I no longer was surrounded by music and art. The bands I saw eventually became famous, and I struggled to get a job in Graphic Art and even sobbed in the middle of an interview. That proved to me that something was wrong. I guess I needed to face the truth and stop trying so hard. I guess when you just be, things will come to you because they’re not distracted and you’re wide open. I haven’t written for a while, and doing so now makes me feel like Rich doesn’t even exist. I feel like he’s occupied in something I’m not a part of. Actually, it always felt like that. What do people hold against me? At least I feel more comfortable with myself. The year is 2013, and the year of this calendar is 2002 when I was living in my condo in West Springfield up the street. I kind of feel like I’m back where I started and my relationship with Rich was just getting cheap things at a tag sale. This must have been a game. People must not have liked me all along. I must be too forward. Was it because I went with Patrick? At least I have my art, and I feel like I could spend all day here (without the noise) in suite 28 like my homeroom in the junior high for 2 years, which was art. I refuse to be religious if people aren’t going to be nice to me and ask me to marry them. I am the nicest person you’ll ever meet. Until then, I’ll just be a bitch until I get what I want. I don’t care if the whole world falls apart. I’ll just wear white and act innocent like nothing’s happening, like I’m a nun. I don’t regret selling the condo. I learned a lot. If I relied on my brother (who I don’t speak to now), I would be a weak person. Now I feel like I need more of a challenge. The options are endless. I just home I make the right decision. I’m already 39. All I need is love. Why is it so hard to get it?

6/30/13

Today is the 30th, not the 1st, but I left off on the 30th. I have a lot of questions. Maybe I’m asking them because I haven’t seen my psychologist. I see her once a week. I wish I could see her more, because I used to write in my diary a lot when I was younger, and I was more collected. I wonder who I will end up with. Supposedly my first boyfriend was in love with me and admired me before he met me. I wasn’t attracted to him because he wasn’t artistic or musical, but he was persistent I already had it set in my mind the type of man I would marry. He would be bohemian, not in the army like my first boyfriend. Maybe it was safer since I could easily become a smoker and an alcoholic. I’m attracted to John and feel like I always has been, but he’s not loyal since he has his pick of women, especially because he’s famous. He doesn’t groom himself as much as he should, but I still like him. Even though he yells at me, at least he doesn’t hit me like all my past and present relationships. It makes me wonder if I will receive the fairy-tale ending me and every other little girl hopes for. It seemed so easy at the beginning. I don’t know how it got so difficult.

Dreams Journal

3/9/14

9:40 p.m.

I’m trying something different, since I bought this book for maybe 25 cents at a church tag sale from my English teacher when Johnny April and I were on good terms. I took the class in Spring 2012 when we first had sex, and I wrote a report about Saint Theresa, because she stood out. I compared it to our sexual experience and later realized it was the name of a girl’s mother who he went with and still keeps in touch with. I bought this book Summer 2013 when we lost contact, and I didn’t realize she was there until after, like, Saint Theresa. Maybe that’s what’s inhibiting me from going to Tag Sales. I didn’t say hi, because I was unprepared. She has a lot of students, and is elderly. I believe that switching my position to the reception area had something to do with me losing contact with Johnny April and the department being hired permanently. It lowered my self-confidence. I should have left then. Maybe Johnny April really cared about me, but I was too wrapped up in work and didn’t think about him enough. At least working beside Diane made it easier, since that is my mother’s name and she dated a rich man named John. That shouldn’t have to influence our relationship, though. Even during sex, I was giving and he was holding back. It was like he was taking that spirituality away from me he asked me about and then I felt empty. My job shouldn’t affect my relationship with Johnny April, though astrologically it does. The management probably sensed that and made the adjustment to benefit themselves. Maybe John just went with me to benefit his career, though he seems like he has a cushion job. I’m just so frustrated with what happened, though suddenly it seems like everything here is back to normal. Should I have kids or just appreciate Rich being sober? I think people are beginning to realize how crooked the church is. I guess it’s how easily you can be persuaded by the beauty until it tears you apart. You can’t have one without the other, and that’s why I’m just comfortable, especially with migraines. I just feel emotional like crying, and I did the other day after I sent John an e-mail. Maybe he e-mails someone I know. I can’t hold back the tears like before, and it’s real. What’s there to look forward to if Rich doesn’t want to get married and start a family. We’ve hit a dead end. We were comfortable today, but then he says it’s going to end and he’s going to leave. Though he drives me crazy, I feel I do rely on him; and if he left, I would be worse off because I do love him. I was prepared to get married and have kids right away. I love the flexibility, how we’re not under a microscope; and if I could, I would collect disability forever, and it is due to my mental illness. I’ve always felt self-conscious. I love how I knew of Rich in fifth grade. I don’t care how unhealthy, poor, or mean he is to me, because of the longevity. Others with higher status could be worse and humiliating like Johnny April. He flaunted his big cock, and I fucked him four times, but won’t get fucked again I watch all the money he makes on eBay on top of his career and know he’ll never take me out. I sit in his big house as he pays me $200 after I clean it and for Madonna records, but he gets a new roof and rug. He buys a new truck and travels back and forth to Agawam to produce a band’s album he meets on Craigslist, but ignores my music. Anyways, my dream is to be friends with him again and talk to him on a daily basis with no interruptions. I really didn’t think he was as popular as before and just associated with his childhood friends. I think I made him popular again after everyone put him down, but I don’t like to be ignored, and I’m not going to pick him up when he falls down again. I won’t allow him to use me as a foundation. I guess I’ll have to make out for the rest of my life while everyone is enjoying babies. I always thought that was a miracle, but I wanted to experience myself, and no one will allow me to because they’re too selfish. I gave up everything for everyone else, and I’m trying to get it back or have my soul mate step forward. I knew this would happen later in life. I just hope it’s not too late. I feel sorry for Rich. I thought he would have wanted to get married and have kids right away. I would feel so sad having them with someone else. How many tag sales can I go to? I’m creating art so I will get sick of it. I feel like my heart’s torn out. Why won’t anyone love me?

7/18

5:18 a.m.

I’ve realized I’ve been betrayed by my own father through a dream I had the other night of him holding a snake. A snake means betrayal, and now I know that the person associated with it has something to do with it. I thought my psychologist was divulging information, but it wasn’t her fault. I just associated her with my father since they both went to Springfield College and her wife was older and went to Smith College where my father probably had swim meets and possibly knew my father. He is a powerful person and knows a lot of people, which is probably why people aren’t listening to me, and I feel like I’m dying. I feel like he’s helping other people. Would he be having orgies or gay affairs so Pedro and Johnny April, who you would least expect would get married? My mom wouldn’t care. My son life is absent, and it is as if Rich is hiding something and he’s my father. I couldn’t have gotten married after all those sexual relationships anyway. Does that mean Johnny April is treating his women like ladies? I don’t know why people think he’s so generous. He was obviously down in the dumps when I met him, and I saved him. I can’t get married, because I feel bad for my dad when I should just step all over him. He acted moody on Father’s Day on purpose when I went out of my way to see him. I can understand why Damian doesn’t talk to him. I’ll have to act the same way I did when I was young, though I thought it was silly. I guess I always pretended he was dead like Damian does now, and it’s because he plays games. I thought it was my aunt and my mother as well as Ziggy all along when I was always close to the females. My father was probably having an affair all along. He’s probably the reason why Aaron Lewis is so successful, because he turns his back on his family.

John is back to his old self, and it’s the same feeling I had before Staind became famous, like they were out for themselves; so he’s no one I would want to be with, and I’ll have to go by my own instincts. You can’t force someone to like you. If they do, they will; and you can’t speed up the process. In the meantime, work on yourself for when you do find the right one. Mom probably lies around since everyone is trying to get through to Dad since he helps them, because that’s his career, and I always stepped aside. When will it be my turn in the spotlight? I guess when I continue ignoring him like I should Johnny April. Friends obviously set him up with his girlfriend, who is Italian, which is the type of girl I guessed he would end up with since it’s a pattern for me. I enjoyed spending time with my aunt, grandmother, and great-aunt. I can’t get over how neat my great-aunt’s house is and how healthy she is. I don’t want to feel guilty if something ever happened to them that I never spent enough time with them or I was on bad terms. I guess I’ll have to pretend that someone is watching me all the time in order to be successful. What a waste my life has been. I know my father knows how to fix it so easily, like how he’s been helping everyone else, but he enjoys me being a helpless slave. I wonder what I can do to deserve his respect forever, because I can’t figure it out. All I can see is doom, spending money, and messiness, unless someone helps me; but no one will, and there’s unfinished business with him. Everyone thinks the world of him like Johnny April. I’m 40, and time is running out. I’m too exhausted to have kids, yet everyone makes it look so easy. I send Johnny April e-mails, and I don’t even know if he receives them or if someone else does. He obviously used me for his success, like I feel I’m Aaron’s doormat.

7/18

7:40 p.m.

I have many enemies, and I guess it’s due to Rich not asking me to marry him and have kids when we met when I was 25. He will not do so. I think it’s a burden anyway, but I don’t have support, and he enjoys making me look like the outcast and him being the kid. I’m sure Johnny April is ready to get married and have kids. He has a lot of support and was probably set up with his girlfriend. He doesn’t care if someone likes him and said not to have high hopes, at the beginning. I just don’t understand why he went with me if he was picky. Even though I gave Rich a penis pump and will give him ginseng, I can never expect the same kind of sexual relationship we had initially. He won’t watch pornos with me and doesn’t care about my needs. It’s not love, and it hurts. He won’t touch me anywhere and tells me he hates me when we go to bed. I fantasize about Johnny April, and I’m glad I’m able to relax and think about women again who turn me on the most, because it means that I’m very comfortable with myself. I don’t know if I can be comfortable sexually with another person. I really love Rich, but it’s not right, especially when he jumps up for other people and I go to the hospital to be touched. I don’t like how popular Johnny April is, and I wish he never became famous. He was probably made famous because people could tell he was my mate and it would interfere with our relationship. I will never see him again. I’m tried everything. I don’t care that he even has a girlfriend. As long as he’s still alive. When I met him, he appeared so alone, and that’s why I liked him. Though he dropped me as his Facebook friend a long time ago, I feel like something’s missing.

7/19

9:20 p.m.

I was on the internet a looking at specific things though I need to clean, and then I was thinking about specific things. Like Johnny April calling Carla at the hospital, which I’m assuming she works at since it has many beds, to tell her that he fucked his girlfriend (unless it’s fake) he posted a picture of on Facebook when he left the room so it would be a secret between them and meaningful the next time they fucked and he wouldn’t report it to anyone. It seems like she has a lot of hostility and has him emotionally wrapped around her finger and the picture her finger and the picture is a cover-up because her sister got married, and I realized she wasn’t a part of it to be rebellious to make their love stronger, since she can tell we have an attraction, and it’s proven in astrology. I fully enjoyed my masturbation thinking about him yesterday, and I believe he thought about me. I was easily able to say I love you, and him as well when usually it’s more difficult. By him posting the picture on Facebook and everyone liking it and making comments, it’s easier to get closer to him, but how am I really going to be able to get closer to him? Even my relationship with Rich is easier like before. Carla makes everything worse, and I hope she goes away. Maybe he’s rebelling against me because he wants me all the time, but how can I believe in a ghost? I feel like masturbating about him all the time, like it’s a sickness; but it’s not reality. Now I wonder if he made a phone call when he left the room when he was with me after sex and when I was cleaning.

7/20

5:50 p.m.

I really should stop talking to Johnny April since the last time he said something (negatively, by e-mail was September 2013 by e-mail. He warned me numerous times to stop talking to him, though there’s no reason why I can’t be his friend, especially since he fucked me and he’s famous. I think I made him famous. I wish he would take me to court. I wish he would give me a good reason to stop talking to him. I don’t understand why everyone thinks he’s so nice when he’s so vulgar. He obviously announced the relationship on the day we fucked. I cleaned, sold him record, took his autograph, and he sold a guitar on purpose. By his friend’s comments, I could tell he knew the girl for a while. Everyone is supporting him because they are friends with Trina, my ex-boyfriend’s wife and he talks bad about me behind my back. My mother is friends with him since she served him. I refuse to be, since no one else like me would give him a chance, and he punched me in the stomach. People are probably wondering why I’m giving Johnny April a chance, and I will pay for it. I don’t think he knew who I was when we met until I told my mom and word got around. I thought my mom and I would remain friends forever because of my brother, but our relationship got worse. Why bother existing if there’s no family? I can fantasize about Johnny April and update my Facebook page, but instead of him embracing it, he’ll say that’s nice and continue having sex with his girlfriend another girls, like a slap in the face, so how do you get his attention?

8/1

10:25 p.m.

It has been so long since I’ve written. I’ve been so busy, so I haven’t felt a need for it. For some reason, I’ve had the urge to organize and clean, finally, with all the ups and downs I’ve recently been through. Whenever I write, I feel like someone is controlling me, like right now, especially a younger gay man. I wish I could be open-minded and as intelligent as before. I wish I knew what was going on. It must be due to be abused or having enemies. I just always believed in the saying do to others as they do to you. In other words, karma in a bohemian way. People are probably watching me make mistakes, laughing like I used to laugh to myself when I thought others where making mistakes in high school, but maybe I was wrong. I try to avoid Rich as much as possible, because I feel like he’s separate from me anyway, since someone must be controlling him to feel that way. I always make the best of what I have, but how can I with him if he doesn’t even care about himself? I never got married or had kids because Nancy never did, but I never knew that she had a mental illness, and now her kidneys are even destroyed from the lithium. Why bother even getting excited about going to family functions if most of the men have passed away and Damian isn’t present? It seems so artificial now. Back to Rich—it’s not like getting the dessert after the meal, getting paid after working, or having sex after falling in love. It’s just there. It’s not black and white or pleasure and pain, which is the most stimulating. It’s like a dim light, but that doesn’t mean it feels like a multi-orgasm—just routine. I’m glad that I’m cleaning, though, and I won’t ask any questions. So frustrating not having a computer. I’ve realized how much I love to read and how I’m a visual person, though I could use some friends. I can only imagine how many people Johnny April has had sex with. His life flip-flopped. It must be because of Shannon, and he’s keeping himself busy. I feel like there’s this whole other side of me that needs to be tapped into and that somebody like my soulmate could help me. I’m not sure if Johnny April is my soul mate anymore. Maybe I was mistaken. Time is running out, drugs can affect one’s personality, and he’s not returning love or showing interest. I have a feeling someone knows who my soulmate is or what type they are, and if they cared about me, they would help me find him. Lately, I’ve felt I’ve been surrounded by enemies when before, I thought everyone loved me, no questions asked. Hopefully, it will become that way again with the exception of Johnny April, who seems to love everyone but me and thinks that I’m out for myself, which is untrue. I guess my soul mate would love to read; talk; like herbs, incense; have a sense of humor, not be serious; like jazz; be skinny; have brown hair longer; medium height; plays an instrument, kind of like Rich. If only Rich would bring out his playfulness.

8/2

8:35 p.m.

I guess I’ll write daily like before, like things are back to normal. Rich and I went tag sailing again and had fun in the car only so he could find things to sell at the flea market and because my mom gave me money from my computer breaking down. She’s been very cheap, when before she was very generous. Probably because my aunt friend’s husband died. My mom set my aunt up with her friend who she worked with. My aunt tries to control my relationship with my mother including the expenses, and claims there’s something

8/4

7:00 p.m.

Now that I’ve had all this time without a computer and had no choice but to lose all touch with Johnny April, I really don’t want anything to do with him. It’s been so long, and all I’ll have is high hopes and be nosy. I should just shut the door completely so another one will open. It will be more intelligent and healthier. Taking a step back makes his negative qualities stand out too. I guess I shouldn’t dwell on why he doesn’t want to see me again. I guess he just wanted to see a normal girl, and I fucked up by acting creative like a stripper or a tattoo seriously wrong with my mother, which I refuse to agree with, since I always admire my mother. She has done a lot for me, and is intelligent. My aunt didn’t even tell me her friend died. She never invites me out, and she thinks there’s something wrong with me. I think about all the times her and Ziggy wined and dined with Louise, and David when he was well and could care less about me. I guess his illness, which had no cure, was sudden. I also think of all the times Nancy spent with Ziggy’s daughters, who now she complains about. What attracted me to their family, which I saw in myself, was their religion, which was also apparent in David’s and probably Louise’s family. Now it seems dead, like they betrayed me, probably because they think I betrayed them or are making it up like Nancy’s blames her hitting my car on the other side of the car being hit anyway, and the paint job not being good enough on Rich and I not getting along anyway. It must all have to do with the death, like a big black hole is missing out of their lives. They don’t even like to see me happy (including my grandmother), and I’ve realized this is the way it has always been, and it’s true—you can’t take shortcuts to be happy. You have to do it yourself, or you will be unhappier. I don’t know where Louise met David, but my mom set up Nancy and Louise where she is going to have to deal with this downfall. I believe she is in denial. She expects everything to be perfect, so she can be controlling, or she will become destructive. I believe it all has to do will inheriting Uncle Bunny’s, and Grandpa’s money so she can pretend that she’s on Dynasty, and that’s why she dates someone like Ziggy who has money. This is why I live like a bohemian and remain with Rich without feeling guilty about sleeping with Johnny April. My mom criticizes Rich, but I want to stay with him as long as possible, because I’ve been with him since I was 26, knew about him in high school, which is knocked down, is associated with the Melloni; and, of course, I love him. If Johnny April doesn’t want anything to do with me that’s his loss. It’s been so long. He could have caught a sexually transmitted disease or just be seriously sick. Who would post a picture of a girlfriend for a week, especially if they’re famous and their fans congratulate them? Now that I’ve realized he’s so popular and is making something of himself, it just makes me want to crawl into a shell and have nothing to do with him. I thought he was going to remain that way when I met him and, if anything, settle down and experiment sexually with me since he’s been overworked. It went in a totally opposite direction, where he accommodated a young crowd when I admired his maturity and his past that I wished I could have been a part of. I know this younger crowd is taking advantage of him. With all the women John knows and probably sleeps with, I can’t see him settling down. I just don’t know how I could persuade him to sleep with me. I thought my looks were enough, and as it was, I dressed sleazy on Halloween for him, which was the last time. I don’t know how many times I have to remind him, but he says I’m not good enough, so I guess he’s a tease. It’s been so long that it doesn’t even matter anymore, and I just continue acting like a little girl. John is not practical, and even if I do have sex with him, it will be over with once it begins. It’s such a turnoff that he’s playing this game, and there’s a big artificial gap. I don’t know why he was so honest with me at the beginning and e-mailed with me almost every day having sex with me three times. I thought Staind toned down, and he was low key, so I had a chance to explore him. Then his friend Shannon died, which I guess brought up the past and made him feel young again. I don’t know how many drugs he’s doing, but once he finally loses touch with all reality, I will lose touch with him. I can’t just be friends with someone as well as sleep with them and not keep up with what they’re doing. Rich is getting ready for the flea market, but why bother? I feel self-conscious, so I don’t want to go. Johnny April could be there, or his friend who stopped by when I was cleaning. I’m poor while he’s a millionaire and wants nothing to do with me. He probably likes going to the flea market to be surrounded by poor people. I might as well stay home and wait for Rich to come home so we can have fun. I don’t know what else to do. I call and e-mail John, but he doesn’t respond. In fact, he gets angry. In the beginning, he said we could have fun, but why can’t it continue? How come he’s talking to everyone else but me, but won’t even be my friend on Facebook? I think there is someone else behind this. You would think someone as rich as John would be nice to me as everyone says, but he isn’t, like Damian, probably because I’m not into glamour. I have no idea what Otan is trying to do it he is refusing to be signed and just make friends. I guess just promote himself, but it seems so difficult, and he should be proud to be signed. Maybe it’s because Johnny April is really unhappy being a part of something deep down inside, and that’s why he tries to be ordinary, but not to me. All I know is John is using me as a foundation, because he was never this nice to people, and he never compliments me. It’s kind of like how Kelly Reynolds abruptly stopped being my friend. Now I feel stationary again since Larry came back from 2 weeks of vacation. I hope I will ride my new bike. I feel like Carla is always looking out for John. I feel like the women who are having sex with John are making fun of me and are, for instance, telling me to stay home with my dog, which I am. John must have told them that I accused him of having a disease, which is wrong. They talk too much. I can’t believe how much we used to talk, and now it’s like a black cloud for no reason. I guess I have no choice but not to like him. I’ll just pretend I never met him, and it’s better because Rich doesn’t drink. That’s really wrong that John’s holding a grudge against me and talking to other girls, especially when they don’t even live around here. I’m much better than them. I don’t even want to look at his Facebook page. It seems so long ago. I despise Staind. They already had money before they became famous and are spoiled. So I guess I’ll just live the life of a lesbian. I will be looking at Playboys to find big-breasted, big-nippled women, which turned me on when my first boyfriend had these types of magazines down the street. It’s not that I’m a lesbian, but I like to fantasize about a man fantasizing about it, or should I say young man. I will never experience that again. He definitely had a high sex drive and was built. Suddenly he turned on me and went with someone else. I personally think it was the allergy medication I was on, which caused no stimulation and led me to cut my hair to a prude bob. I knew I didn’t love him deep enough, though, and would eventually look elsewhere. Rich and I can patch things up when we get into an argument because he gets involved in projects and keeps going. The only thing Paul had to keep going were traditional things like the military, marriage, and children, which I wasn’t prepared for and are too structured for me. They are like a sign when I like the unexpected and someone who is independent and creative, who doesn’t have to rely on things. Once I become a prude, I was interested in getting to know his intelligent friends, but I guess I was too shy, and that’s when Missy came into the picture somehow, who was just like one of the guys. Though she was intelligent, she seemed nothing like his friends and, because she was Italian, was loud and bossy—a total slap in the face to my Polish family who did so much for him. I wonder if there was ever anyone who ever had a big crush on me who was ever worth dating.

8/4 10

I don’t have. It’s so difficult to be on a schedule. I don’t understand how John expects long-distance girls to be on a schedule. I think with Larry back, it interrupts my creativity, and all I feel like doing now is sitting around, think and laughing. I could easily go over there and indulge in sex, drinking, and drugs. Sex was so easy before. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult how and why it seems like I have so many enemies. I shouldn’t have told Rich sex was trivial. I guess I should spend more time on my looks like before instead of what’s easiest. Cutting out pictures of naked women and then men yesterday, I discovered I admired men more than I thought, probably because I’m not getting sex at all. When I was getting sex when I was younger, I wouldn’t even look at pictures of naked men because I would have a real one, but I would get so turned on by pictures of naked women, especially the laid-back ones in the early ’80s and slutty ones in the late ’80s. I think my friend Kelly Reynolds at the time, who was well developed when I wasn’t—she was easy without regrets, and failed. She stopped talking to me abruptly like John. I was thinking of all the fun I had with her and if she would do it again. I wondered if she substituted me as her sister since we had the same name. Rich came back earlier than I thought so I had no choice but to stop writing since I can’t concentrate. It gave me time to think though I thought if I just accept that John and Carla were together things would be so much more easier, and I could move on. I tried it, and it worked on a spiritual level, though it’s not actually true; but maybe they are soul mates, and that’s why she got divorced. I wonder why John always says he gets his haircut, but maybe it’s because Carla’s sister owns a hair salon like Vanessa. She just married someone named Shannon, so I’m glad I didn’t follow through without a condom on Halloween the night dedicated to Shannon. John asked me to think about it first and warned me, so I was confused; but maybe that’s what he meant since he knew Carla, and I assume her sister was already seeing Shannon. Unless I made a mistake and her religious family is trying to arrange everything. I still think John should give me a second chance, and if he really loved me, he would. He never complimented me. Now I see the similarities in my old psychologist’s wife who was much older and a lesbian and Carla’s mother, who’s religious. That’s why I stopped seeing my psychologist. She told me she was using her wife’s office, and I felt like she was hovering over me and I was interfering. If I assume John and Carla are a couple, her religious mother will go away, and I will be at peace. Actually, that religion will be mine again, and I won’t have to fight it. Sexuality and good luck seems to enter as well. It’s strange, but it seems to work, though I only want John. Answers also seem to reveal themselves. I guess when you find the answers and admit things in reality, even if they aren’t a crossword puzzle, the door will open for you because you’re not dwelling on the wrong answer. You have to be neutral, accept it, and move on. Otherwise, you look like a stick in the mud and dumb. It will make you look like a strong, intelligent, winning person. Maybe in the future, that will be yours, and it already is yours because you found the answers, and they will invite you. Otherwise, you will be left alone, searching. Who are the lucky ones? I guess they are the pastel colors at a medium volume. The unlucky ones always have the answer, but there is never an answer, because everything is always changing. Someone who tries to look smart is actually dumb. I will try so hard not to e-mail John or read about him or Staind. I will consider them not famous. Any comment I make will not change anything. If someone really likes you, they will find you; but I’m hidden since I’m being rejected for no reason. I will have to make sexuality my priority like before. Turning the pages of the naked men got me so excited and thinking of having them in my arms made me more so, nurturing them. When I napped this afternoon, I did have a dream of a tan, long-haired brunette in a lace mint bikini with large breasts in doggy-style position, which made me very excited; so I guess I am attracted to girls. I guess if I assume Rich is with someone else too and use my imagination like I did with John, I will be able to move on. Otherwise, I will be available and got nothing I can imagine that Rich is with Cindy Stanek, a nurse he used to really like and date before the girl before me. If I just pretend they are together, I will feel confident, and I can be independent shutting the door. Otherwise, everything will just linger. I definitely need passionate sex with someone artsy, whether it be with a male or a female. I deserve it. It needs to be on a regular basis. I don’t know what’s taking so long. I have to stop being so attached to John and Rich and find someone else to satisfy my needs. Then I’ll feel guilty that I didn’t have sex without a condom with John. He’s doing absolutely nothing now. Carla puts up such a wall, and she’s far away. I guess I should just assume they’re together and be nice. I’m just afraid my creativity will get out of hand. John said I’m too nice, so I know that the others are mean and I’m being taken advantage of. Though I said how much I like men, I would probably be able to go with a girl on a regular basis, like when I had sleepovers, and it’s safer. I wish someone would take the initiative. I’m ready for group sex, but no one wants me to participate. I thought when I became an artist, the doors would open; but they’re closed. Group sex doesn’t sound as bad as it is. Just someone to help out or massage. I guess I just need to be nice. I would like to date someone really attractive, but then I would get jealous. It would be nice if he didn’t know how attractive he was. I really wish I could find someone to have a baby with, who knew people and who understood me so it could be easy. My mom made it seem like you know who the right person is. I wish I could find it.

8/5

7:10 p.m.

I just had a dream about me being in a car (with Rich). I had done something worldwide indirectly. Rich got out of the car when we parked, and I saw someone like the police questioning an old, skinny, hippy man with medium height and long brown hair where I was, and he said, At the gate, at the gate! Rich was trying to distract them, and I was wondering if I felt safe hiding in the car. My dream dictionary said it was an obstacle dream, but I think it has something to do with me having an argument with Gateway and getting a new computer. I masturbated to a picture of John’s hard cock that he e-mailed at my request and probably the other girl that he only had sex with when we were on good terms. I was also surrounded by the beautiful pictures of naked women I arranged that I always pretend John is fucking, which turns me on. It also turns me on to think he’s fucking me. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that I’m satisfied again unless I get some help from someone else and they let go. The last time, I masturbated with vibrators at both ends, which is the most effective. I got so turned on imagining I was fucking John, pretending I was back in the eighties with a half shirt on, teasing, since Skid Row was on tour with the band he produced. I feel like Becky Pyzik is involved in this. Even the feeling I got in the dream, maybe because she was never religious, though she appears innocent and my dream portrayed me as evil. I was surprise when she liked a heavy metal band I liked, and the band that John produced cancelled the show with them due to sickness supposedly. It seems like she married the type of man she always wanted, with blond hair, but I never went to her wedding though she said I was invited. It was ironic that the band that John produce album was released on her anniversary, and it was called Forgetting What Was. Before she met him, she said that she liked sex a lot, so could she be a cheater. Though the record company sets the date, I think if I ignore Johnny April, I will have good luck, and even have sex with him again, because I will be brand-new. If I keep in touch with him, I will continue to be ignored and dragged down. I’ll tried for 1½ years, and I feel in a very cold position for sex because I’m expecting it. I never was before, and I was very comfortable because I appreciated what I have. I love spending time with Rich even though we don’t have sex. I love his expressions, and that he’s sober. Sex gets old quick. I love intelligence, and I was thinking of how great it must be to have sex with someone highly intelligent, like their bodies aren’t even there, and they are just two souls, and no work, since it’s so spiritual; so I guess the only way to go is education and forget about Johnny April, though I don’t like to be around little kids, but they can be more highly intelligent than an adult. I can even learn or keep busy on my own, which is what I’m doing. Like my psychologist said, you can’t change people. John never complimented me and never will. He must have had sex with me for the wrong reasons.

8/14

10:15 p.m.

I guess this is the end of our relationship. I feel like Rich has been taken over by someone else’s body. Maybe the mob I’m probably in trouble, but I’m an American with freedom of speech, and I’m grown up. I don’t believe in the mob and think it’s silly. I would rather die if someone wants to act dumb. It seems like there’s a lot of pressure between Rich and I, and that’s why we’re not working when before we were hidden. Before, it was so easy, and we were left alone. He would look forward to seeing me and going out. He would consider me. Now sex is irrelevant. He’s packing up his things (again). My mind is too straight now. The medication must be working

8/18

8:05 p.m.

Couldn’t write much last time because Rich interrupted me. Don’t feel like writing much now, but it’s healthy. I’m tired, probably because I’ve been eating a lot. I dropped out of the group Stained Love, because it’s all about Aaron Lewis. I’m comfortable in this lifestyle and should appreciate it, since Rich stopped drinking. I do like when he’s affectionate and don’t mind when he treats me like a child, but it’s abnormal not to have sex, and there’s no reason why we shouldn’t have it. He threatens to leave, which plays mind game. I was late taking my medication this morning, which caused me to wake up and gave me mood swings. I hope I’m not low on potassium. My period must be coming. I would love the bond of a child, but I couldn’t handle it, especially if I wasn’t with a practical man. That’s where someone like Paul would come in, but it wouldn’t make sense if he hit me and treated me like a child. We should have had children and got married right away, but that wasn’t the right thing. I don’t even listen to that music I loved before, and if I did, it’s for the benefit of that band, and I might as well do some artificial drugs to go along with it. Now I understand what is meant by Love Conquers All. I said it to Johnny April like it referred to us, but he played it off like maybe it was meant for him and Carla, or Rich and I. I guess John doesn’t have any confidence, and other people are obviously standing in his way, which he allows. I love hanging out with Rich, and when the right one comes along, he will if Rich doesn’t move out first. I wish I could raise kids. I never wanted Lexine

Ribbon Journal

12/12/13

4:30 p.m.

I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion on what’s going on with Johnny April. He obviously didn’t give himself to me, but he’s giving himself to someone else close to me, like Leah Melloni. Not literally, just fuck me eyes so she can fuck her husband and think about him. They are using me as a toy and know everything about me as I am oblivious. I think that life ends at marriage where they think it just begins at flirting. They don’t want me to be happily married like them because they are jealous. Leah probably can’t have children, which gives her more reason to feed the fire. I was ready a long time ago to have children, but the Mellonis are obviously stopping me. But why? They have it all when I have nothing. I thought people were drawing me to John, and now I feel like I’m forced to be a lesbian, which I’m not. Somebody like Gina, Bob’s sister, is making this happen. She has fun making life like a theater. Why isn’t anyone helping me? I think my mom is determined to make me a lesbian when she is. She said she thought I was a boy in her stomach, probably because she has boy mannerisms. This makes me determined to be a feminine mother, especially since my aunt never was, who is obviously covering up that she’s a lesbian since she hides things, has never been married, never sees her boyfriend, and has a woman friend sleep over. I’m ready to flip, but I don’t know where to turn. Lexine is preventing me. She shut the door on me. I opened the door to her and her boyfriend and didn’t get rewarded like I thought, but punished instead. I thought my talent would be recognized, but it was ignored. Johnny’s giving all the attention to Leah, and that’s why she looks and feels so good. I would too. My mom looks like a piece of shit. Nancy looks great. I’m wondering how women look great and others look ugly. It’s obviously because the attractive women act like bitches. Like I asked my aunt a question today and went out of my way, but she never answered it and went around it, talking about another subject. I have to get to the bottom why everyone’s against me, including my brother. Not even the police department will contact me again. I always wanted to be famous. I wish I knew the secret. I have no attention drawn to me, and everyone else is famous. I guess it has to do with who you know, who your friends are, and who likes you. The Mellonis don’t like me, and neither do my family. They are wrapped in the past, which is an era I want to forget. I just don’t know why they’re trying to get the best of me when they’re so comfortable. I guess they sensed I loved Johnny and were determined to take him away. My mom must have slipped since their lives are so boring, and I wasn’t phased by a double wedding. I’m able to work/concentrate better when I’m away because I’m not around googly-eyed lovers who are doing so to try to get my goat when they should do it in private because they truly love each over. Not to take something away.

12/17/14

7:50 p.m.

I know why I lost my mother. It’s because someone was figuring me out all the time, discovered our band, and took her away from me. It must of had to do with the sex and John not sharing himself with me, but sharing himself with someone else named Amy Person, so she became me. He introduced her to his family, and she looked up to them like they had no flaws, but they do. Amy is brainwashed by religion; she forgives everyone. It made the flaws come out in my family though they are a gift. I discovered that there’s a church across from the police station, so I’m glad I didn’t pick up my bra. They are brainwashed by religion too, not doing their job, expecting God to do it for them. In the process,