Comedy Collection: London Underground Stations; the Time Diaries; the Messiah Files; and Other Surreal, Satirical, and Comic Short Stories.

By Michael Braham Gerstein

The Comedy Collection of Michael Braham Gerstein is a variety
of humorous stories and subjects. Michael’s prose shows the versatility of his imagination and the special brand of his zany humour.
Ideal as a bedside companion.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Jan 27, 2020
• ISBN: 9781984593450

Michael Braham Gerstein

“I am from a business family. But I am an artist and writer. [ Comedy, short stories, plays and song lyrics ] Ex teacher / Graphic Designer. I am emotional, sensitive and practical, in a business like way. I find all the poetry and songs about love too much. And it’s a multi layered feeling, not just one dimensional I write on relationship, but enjoy covering a wider range of subjects. There’s so much more out there. What excites me? The Arts, Film musicals, Fred Astaire, Judy Garland, jazz rhythm, rhyming, Marc Chagall, Chopin and the Quintette du Hot Club de France.”

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 by Michael Braham Gerstein.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-9845-9346-7

                eBook           978-1-9845-9345-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 01/25/2020

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Official Guide To London Transport Underground Tube Stations

History Of Art

Contentment Guide

Being Predictable

Nu, So What’s New?

Limerick Like Celebrities

The Messiah Files

The Lucifer Diaries

Well Being Guide: ‘Things To Avoid’

The Honesty Policy?

Comedy Stand Up Routine

The Messianic Papers

Where Is Time Going?

History Of Dance And Music

Dedicated to my wonderful friends:

Priscilla, Andrew, Jacqui, Alyson, Ann,

Len, Stanley, Sue, Phillipa, Dinny, David,

Caroline, Amanda and Rosina

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20. 09. 04 - 10. 05. 08

OFFICIAL GUIDE TO LONDON

TRANSPORT UNDERGROUND

TUBE STATIONS

Every Station in the guide personally researched by author for unreliable information.

BELSIZE PARK:

Lots of Psychologists and actors live in this area. Freud for example. A famous method actor. And his sister, also a Freudian analyst. But very shy. Too self conscious to see patients, she practiced analysis in front of a mirror. She sectioned herself twice.

When you enter this station, you are given a London Transport questionnaire to fill in, to improve services. But being an area of Psychoanalysts, the questions are different to normal. Why are you travelling? What are you running away from? Why on a train, under the earth? What have you got against buses? Were you born on a train? Is your father a bus driver? Or your mother a train driver? Is that why you love trains more than buses? Don’t you understand how this could upset your father? Do you want to see your parent’s marriage break up? See one of our Psychoanalysts at once.

[London Transport are on commission]

All the lights are switched off here. The station is completely in the dark. This is to remind you that this is the same state that most Psychoanalysts are in! It also helps you face your fears. The ones you got from coming to this station.

For the local actors, floodlights come on as they enter the station. They have a chance to do a quick audition. Hidden cameras film them. The film, with their details, is emailed directly to producers and agents. A Yes or No is emailed back at once to the station’s computer. And if a Yes, contracts are signed and exchanged. If it’s a No, there are the Psychoanalysts!

ANGEL:

The name implies that this station is to be used by the dead only. Not true. Although, some of our passengers do look half dead. No, the station gets its name from the savoury dish, Angels - On - Horseback. (Oysters wrapped in bacon) The food reference points to the great number of restaurants in this area. And to help bring in business to these eateries, London Transport and the local restaurants have combined. Cooking demonstrations are held on the platforms and escalators. They are very popular, but the Electric generators for the ovens are a bit bulky on the moving stairs. Especially in the rush hour.

This is a very busy station, and as compensation for the inconvenience, free food samples are offered to the crowds of passengers, as they struggle up the escalators, past the hot ovens. There is first aid treatment for commuters splashed by hot cooking oil, or burned by hot metal. Anyone crushed underfoot, can expect a month of free medical insurance. Artificial food smells are pumped through the ventilation system to encourage passenger’s appetite. London Transport are on commission, with the restaurants. The rate is based on per plate of food sold.

BAKER STREET

Update: London Transport police are so stretched, new crimes are being handled at this station. This is Sherlock Holmes area. One new crime puzzling staff here is this: ‘The Case of the Missing Train’. Each time, this missing train gets lost on the Tube system, and it is always the same train, it is diverted to Baker Street. Because of Sherlock Holmes. Living around the corner, the station staff have asked for his help. But for some reason, he is also missing. There is a case file: ‘Who’s got our train?’ Update: For some reason, this file can’t be found.

BECKTON:

Home of London Sewage Works. Not on the Tourist Board Sight Seeing Tour, as of writing. For your inconvenience, Scented Oxygen masks come down, from overhead lockers, as the train arrives here. The trains only stop for 10 seconds, but nobody ever gets on or off!

BOND STREET:

They don’t have Ceramic murals and adverts on the walls there. Instead, valuable Old Masters hang on the platforms and up the escalators. There are changing rooms if you are not happy with the outfit you are wearing. Just pop into the many shops in the station.

Wear your best Guicci shoes, and no high heels. And the same goes for women passengers. We don’t want to damage the antique Persian carpets!

BRIXTON:

Take plenty of cash. You’ll need it for all the muggers and protection rackets. Brixton Station is partly owned by the South London Mafia. The gates only open when you pay protection money into a separate fruit slot machine. But even if you get three fruit and win, the winnings are diverted into the Mafia bank account. And take a bullet proof vest. It can end up cold in Brixton… And so could you!

CAMDEN TOWN:

Unless you belong to a crime syndicate, or you’re a drugs dealer, forget it! If the muggers don’t get you, the crowds will. Do you like being trampled to death? It’s a very popular meeting place. Even the Quakers hold meetings here. Heavy metal bands rehearse on the platforms. Captive audience. They plug their guitars into the live rail. It’s here The Tory Party have their rallies. You have seen the signs, KEEP TO THE RIGHT!

So many mobile phones are used here, the station’s electronics have been affected. Now, as trains pass through, they text each other!

Greenwich and Cutty Sark

This station is on the Docklands Light Railway, the driverless, computerised line.

The Australian Mafia are messing with the trains and tracks at this station. Every now and then, one of the trains goes missing. Several have disappeared into thin air. The London Transport police are following certain leads. These are on a ‘need to know basis only’. But I can reveal that one of the most likely is this. These criminals are hacking into the computers, that run the railway, and changing some of the micro chips. This alters the tracks, so that the train leaves the station, but then turns and drives straight onto the Cutty Sark, the tea clipper ship, which then sails to Australia. The police figure that, because of the economic slump, and the greedy embezzlement of public funds, the Australian Government has been driven to theft, to build up its country’s underground system. A number of secret text reports reveal that the passengers on the stolen trains, seem quite surprised when they arrive at Sydney Harbour, 4 weeks later, instead of at their London jobs. The police are following these secret leads. They have also intercepted a number of mysterious text messages to the U.K., which they think may be from the many lost passengers, in Australia. Some complain that the bosses of their jobs in London refuse to believe their lame excuses for being late. Others complain of the poor signal reception to the U.K. from the tube trains. Yes, but you are phoning from inside a tube train in Australia! And yes, police believe these passengers may still be stuck in the trains, in places like Sydney or Melbourne. Some text messages show that the passengers are also upset at being refused fare refunds. In fact, we are told, if they are ever found, a bye law says, they will be liable to pay a surcharge, or prison, whichever is cheaper. That’s for travel on tube trains, outside the London area, without a correct ticket. They will also get a fine for travelling abroad without a passport and entry visa. The police believe that the Cutty Sark has already made several voyages.

Police are following public reports that, while the real Cutty Sark is away on its voyages, a cardboard replica ship stands in its place. This ancient ship is visited by thousands of tourists. And some have reported in their suspicions. For example, every time the ship’s toilets are used, they disintegrate, and turn into pulp.

EPPING FOREST:

Take a chainsaw. The overhanging branches might poke your eye out! The line has to zigzag for miles to avoid all the trees. One train driver was mistakenly arrested for drunk driving. If a wild deer is hit, and its antlers get caught on the train, and it is dragged along for miles, do not try to help. You could be arrested for aiding and abetting a fare dodger!

GREEN PARK:

The Queen’s local station. The Palace is just down the road. Her Majesty often uses the Tube, for the West End.

She has to travel incognito. So she goes without Crown or jewellery. She is never spotted.

Her favourite disguise is the black beard. So far, no one has told her it’s a give away in the dress and high heels. The Queen wears the beard at home sometimes, just for relaxation. Prince Philip gets confused. He once ran out of the Palace, in her high heels,

shouting, It’s a lie. I’m not bisexual! The Queen threw the beard out of the window after him, and it landed on his bald head like a toupee.

Are you a tourist? Are you crazy? Why would you want to visit The Palace, and our crazy, dysfunctional Royal Family?

In recent years, The London Tourist Board introduced an education itinery for visitors to The Palace. The plan is to help prepare tourists. To give them a better idea what they can expect to see there. As the local station, The Tourist Board asked Green Park to help with this preparation.

The staff came up with this. Every day at the station, you will notice the barriers don’t work. Every hour, the staff stage blazing rows, shouting and throwing things at each other. Intruders, dressed as Batman and Robin climb the station wall, put up banners, saying, Fathers for Justice, and the police, with loud hailers, take all day getting them down. Tourist numbers to The Palace have fallen. They are re thinking their education policy.

As numbers fell, The Tourist Board asked the Royal Family to help with a publicity campaign for The Palace. They agreed only when given the going rate.

So we have Prince Andrew, who is a trained R.A.F. pilot, and womaniser. He directs tourists, from his helicopter, from the station, through Green Park, to The Palace.

Because his mother charges an entrance fee, he is on commission.

Prince Charles has to come up with ways to attract tourists. He’s got Princess Anne riding a horse around the park, in a swim suit, jumping park benches. Ex actor, Prince Edward, in a green tights and a Robin Hood hat with feather, recites Shakespeare’s, Kings of England up a tree. And, from a stand, his wife does hot dogs.

You can hear her, above the traffic, shouting, Come and get your Corgies. She sells Hamburgers to the Indian tourists, Suishi to the Germans, and Curry to the Japanese.

That’s a dysfunctional family for you!

Prince Charles, himself sings, Gilbert and Sullivan. He and Camilla changed the words. Now the lyrics are about the Royals and aristocracy, and the joys of marriage and love. The songs are quite short. He sings while giving Polo demonstrations on horse back. There is a microphone in his polo stick. The other polo players sing the backing.

Tourist numbers are still falling. Fortunately, The Queen still has her Opium business.

The Royals apart, and most of them are, Green Park is Jeeves and Wooster country. The London home of Fred Astaire, The Private Gentlemen’s Club, The Ritz, The Royal Acadamy, shopping arcades, expensive car showrooms, and where the rich and famous, like Prince Charles, get their hand made shirts.

There are no station rules here, except men are politely asked to wear a monocle, and carry a walking cane, as they leave the station. Cigar smoke filters out through the air System. As you go through the exit gates, a robot arm pops an ivory cigarette holder in your mouth. Use your own cigarettes. Non smokers keep mouth closed, and turn head away. You may feel a tap on the head, from the ivory holder, but it shouldn’t hurt too much. Use your best English accent here, if you have to talk. Watch the film, My Fair Lady if you have a common accent. Standards are important here. You know, standards.

HAMPSTEAD:

London’s deepest station. So deep down, I ended up in Sydney twice just trying to get to Camden Town. If you see a naked man down there, with horns and a toasting fork, it’s not the Devil. It will be the Minister of Transport. For protection from the hot, molten larva, Fire Proof Overalls are provided. Or suits, if you have a business meeting. No protection, then you can’t claim on travel insurance for injury down there. Or for travel insurance discounts. And if you melt on the way to work, that’s your own responsibility.

HIGH BARNET:

Warning: For those with hip problems or amputees, it is a very long, steep path down to the booking office. This station is 200 metres below street level. In the winter, toboggans and skis are provided. Do not take them onto the train. It has not been worked out how to get passengers up the slope.

HIGHGATE:

Very high, steep exit out of station. Long, steep stairs and then cliffs up to street level.

For experienced mountaineers only. Your climbing equipment can be kept in lockers here: Crampons, ropes, helmets, sandwiches, warm underwear. Frostbite is common.

In rush hour, keep dangerous things like grappling hooks in plastic bags. If anyone falls, don’t worry. They can always get the next train.

HOLLAND PARK:

Station done in pink. Lace curtains and flowers in Booking office. Don’t talk to loudly.

You might upset the sensitive Booking Clerk. They play some pretty music in the lifts.

HOLLOWAY ROAD:

Close to an H.M. prison. To exit this station, you are handed a manual; ESCAPE TUNNELS. Shovels, helmets and sandwiches are provided. If you are dressed smart, tunnel digging is excused. Instead, you are let out through a long set of steel doors by a burly man with a huge bunch of keys.

WARNING: Do not take a shower while travelling in the station lifts. You could make an unexpected friend for life.

KENSINGTON HIGH STREET:

So posh, you will only get into the station if you are dressed in the current styles. No jeans. Take a recent bank statement. It is read by the computer in the barrier. If the barrier won’t let you through, get a better job and make more money.

Oh, and you must like asparagus and caviar, and those little olives stuffed with anchovies, not with those little red pimiento things.

KEW GARDENS:

Strict rules here.