The News from Arkansas: Sense of Humor Required

By Valerie Katz

I was a California girl. My children were unofficially forbidden to move more than 1 ½ hours from their mother . How did I end up in Arkansas? I blame Eric Estrada! After purchasing our new home in Arkansas it was a full year before we could actually move. We endured the comment “Your moving where!” and the looks that went with it, by our California friends for that entire year. So this started out as e-mails to friends and family to let them know all the strange and amusing differences in our new world. Many of them wanted to know if I was saving them to make into a book. One year at Christmas my son Donald said he only wanted one thing for the following Christmas, a copy of the book. So here is this book of laughter, and a few tears, that I hope you will enjoy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Nov 16, 2018
• ISBN: 9781532048081

Valerie Katz

Valerie Katz, a native Californian, was transported to Arkansas at age 67. She has 4 children and 6 grandchildren who are still astounded and amused by the move.

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Copyright © 2018 Valerie Katz.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-4807-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-4809-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-4808-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018905700

iUniverse rev. date: 11/14/2018

Contents

Chapter 1 Sunny Southern California, 2007

Chapter 2 Arkansas News, 2008

Chapter 3 Arkansas News, 2009

Chapter 4 Arkansas 2010

Chapter 5 Arkansas 2011

Chapter 6 Arkansas 2012

Chapter 7 Arkansas News, 2013

Chapter 8 Arkansas News 2014

Chapter 9 Arkansas News 2015

Chapter 10 Arkansas News 2016

Chapter 11 Arkansas News 2017

Chapter 1

Sunny Southern California, 2007

In March 2007, I was getting ready for work. My boyfriend, David, who was not getting ready for work, as he was already retired, hollered at me from his warm cozy bed. Honey, Eric Estrada is inviting us to Arkansas for the weekend. Come look at this beautiful place. We haven’t been anywhere in a while, and it’s free. Let’s go! You know—just to look around.

Eric Estrada? The actor?

The first time I met David was at a country-western bar. We were taking a group dance lesson. You would dance with one guy, and then every few minutes you would shift to the next one. When David came around for the second time, I was so proud of myself. I’d actually remembered his name! I looked up and said, Hi. It’s Dave, isn’t it? Now, he is a full foot taller than I am, and he looked down his nose at me and said, "My name is David."

Well, I thought. La dee da.

I certainly remembered him! However, I didn’t speak to him for fifteen years. I even went to a party at his home with a friend of mine and didn’t speak to him then. He was that snotty David. He, of course, had absolutely no idea who I was.

I wanted to learn how to do the West Coast swing, so I was out in a club one night, where I ran into Richard, a friend of David’s. He said if I wanted to learn how to do the West Coast swing, I should take the lessons from his roommate. When he pointed his roommate out to me, it was David Katz! Well, when my feet are cold because hell is freezing over, that’s when I’ll take a lesson from David Katz.

But Richard said David was the best teacher for beginners—and I really wanted to learn—so I started taking lessons from David.

One Friday night, I was in a club where David was giving lessons and DJ’ing. He came up and asked if I would like to go dancing up in Ventura on Sunday. I was taken completely by surprise and stammered, Yes.

The next day, I called my friend Charlotte and said, You won’t believe it, but I think I have a date with that snotty David on Sunday.

She said, "What do you mean you think you have a date? You sound like a twelve-year-old!"

David called later that day and asked if we were still on for dancing.

When I asked if it was an outing for the class, he said, No, it is not a class trip. Do you still want to go?

When I said yes, he said he would pick me up.

Ventura was an hour from my house, and his house was on the way, so I told him I would meet him there.

We went to Ventura, danced all afternoon, and had a wonderful time. He was so warm and friendly. I completely changed my mind about him. I had mentioned that the Hungry Hunter was my absolute favorite restaurant, and on the way home, nothing would do but that we stop there for dinner.

When we got back to David’s house, and my car, it was about nine o’clock. David asked me to come in, and when I said no, he gave me the sweetest little kiss and helped me into my car. I really needed to get home—my dogs needed to be fed!

After that, I saw him at my regular dance classes, but our day of dancing was not mentioned. I figured he wasn’t interested in dating me.

About three weeks later, he came up behind me at the Friday-night dance and said, It’s too bad I don’t play golf.

I asked him why, and he said, If I did, then maybe I’d have a chance with you.

I answered, You probably would if you just picked up the phone and gave me a call. I said it ever so sweetly and with a smile.

We fell in love and decided I should move in with him. I had been single for more than thirty years, raising my family and not budging from my home. It was a very big change! There were some very surprised reactions from family and friends when I sent out we are moving notes.

The we was me and a seventy-pound Rottweiler named Hoover. You should have seen the look on David’s face when I said, Love me—love my dog. My son Larry and his family were set to move into my home, and David wanted to know why Larry wasn’t going to keep the dog. I informed him, in no uncertain terms, that Larry would love to but that Hoover was my dog.

He said he would have to think about that and headed home. When he arrived there a whole fifteen minutes later, he said he had it all worked out. He would put in a doggy door from the laundry room to the garage and another one from the garage to the backyard. Hoover was welcome.

There had never been a dog in his house. When an old roommate of his found out about the dog, she said she would give us three months. Things have been going great so far—I hope we can get an extension. He and Hoover were mad for each other. I told him I was going to have to sue for alienation of affection. Since he is retired, he takes her everywhere. He takes her to the dog park for walks and even to the bank. When he left to go someplace without her, she sat at the door and cried until I hollered, Hey, I’m still here. Ungrateful wench. Anyway, he is a love and wants to make me happy. My mom and the kids all like him; I guess we are ahead of the game.

David took me to many places to look for a better place to retire. Los Angeles was out of the question, he advised. My answer was always the same: No! It was set in stone. When he asked me what I wanted, I always answered, When I look out my windows, I want to see green. He finally realized Palm Springs or Vegas was never going to fly. When asked what he wanted, his answer was always the same too: a three-car garage (my man has tools) and a room big enough for his dance studio. He wanted to continue giving his lessons.

Bella Vista was as beautiful as advertised, lush and green, set in the Ozark Mountains with golf courses and lakes all over the place. It was a three-hour flight to get there, and I hadn’t a clue where we had landed. We met a nice couple in the bar, and I asked, Where is Arkansas? Where are we?

They said, About halfway across the country and little bit south.

I knew all I needed to know. I fell in love with Bella Vista Village.

Gone was the girl who had announced loud and long, I’m not moving! I will always live right here. My four children, six grandchildren, mom—who was almost ninety—two sisters, and brother were all within an hour and a half of me. My children had been unofficially forbidden to move more than an hour and a half from their mother! I wasn’t going anywhere.

After our tour of Bella Vista, I said, Honey, I’ve always wanted to live in a place just like this.

With more than a little skepticism, he said, Really? Should I call a real estate agent?

As much to his surprise as mine, I said, Yes!

We looked at homes and picked one out. It had the three-car garage David wanted, and I could see nothing but trees out of every window. Sold!

That was all well and good, but I did have one little concern. David and I were living together, but we had no plans to get married. I told him it was now necessary. I was not moving all the way to Arkansas without a piece of paper that said he was legally bound to stick by me once we got there! It was, after all, a little out of my comfort zone.

Okay, he said. Let’s go home and plan a wedding.

Giving the good news to my family went something like this. It was Easter Sunday, and the gang was all there. We lined them up on the stairs for the usual round of pictures, and I told them we had a few announcements to make. I had already gotten one new cornea, and I needed the other one, so we started there. A date had been set for the next cornea.

That’s wonderful, they said and started to get up.

Waving my hands in the air, I said, No, no, there’s more! I would like to introduce you to my fiancé!

They said, Mom, that’s wonderful!

The grandkids had been sent upstairs when their round of pictures was being taken, and they all started to come down to see what in the world was going on. Loud cheering started, and they started to get up again.

I started waving again No—there’s still more! We have one more announcement. We have decided to sell both of our homes and buy one together.

That was greeted with more excitement and questions about where.

When my answer was Arkansas, there was dead silence. The girls started to cry, and boys looked like they wanted to.

I wanted to remember that day, and David was making a video. My oldest grandgirl, Kirsten, looked right in the lens and said, "You can’t go!"

In the end, they all gave us big hugs and said what they wanted most was for us to be happy.

It was time to make plans! A date was set for the wedding, and a honeymoon cruise to Alaska was booked. My friend Charlotte was to be my maid of honor. She asked if she could wear a red dress that was a favorite of hers. Her friends had told her it was not a good choice for the maid of honor.

When I informed David of the idea, he said, Honey, that’s a great idea. I have a red bow tie and red cummerbund. Red will be the color! We’ll get them for the boys too!

David was never one to hide his light under a bushel!

Our grandsons, Alex (mine) and Ryan (his), were chosen to be ring bearers, and they got their red bow ties and red cummerbunds. They looked adorable, and so did the groom.

There was a hitch. David’s daughter, Marcy, and grandson, Ryan, were living in Toronto, and there was something wrong with the passport situation. They couldn’t get here in time for the wedding! So, we did the only thing we could possibly do and delayed the wedding. We were having it in our rose garden, so it could easily be delayed, but the honeymoon, which was already paid for, could not! As my sister Martha likes to say, Life is short. Eat dessert first! We went on the honeymoon, came back, got married, and started making plans to move.

The die was cast. We had no idea what we were getting into.

The real estate market in California had really tanked, and we couldn’t sell the California house for a year. We had to settle for visits to Bella Vista. I would get there all ramped up, in my California rush-rush mode. I would go to the store, and people would be chatting me up. In my mind, I would think, Oh please, please, just give me my change and let me be on my way! It would take me three or four days to calm down a little and start to relax. Then it would be back to California, and the rush was on!

Since we couldn’t move to Arkansas, we were taking long weekends to our new home. Some went smoothly, and some did not. On one of the trips, we had trouble with flights and delays and ended up spending the night in Texas. We got a call at four o’clock in the morning from a neighbor in California who had just rescued our other dog, Cricket. When he came home and pulled in the driveway, a very tired Cricket came running up to him. There were coyotes following her! Apparently, Cricket had jumped out of the backyard and decided to run and frolic with the coyotes. She was getting tired, and they were moving in. She had figured out her error and was so happy to find someone to rescue her!

David called home, and when he got our roommate on the phone, he asked where the dog was. Richard, having just been awakened, was understandably confused and wanted to know what in the heck David was calling about. The dog was probably asleep!

David said, No. She’s been out frolicking with coyotes. She is across the street with the neighbors. Will you please go get her?

Cricket is a smart dog, and she had learned her lesson. She did not go play with the coyotes again.

On our visits to Arkansas, we didn’t have our computers. David hadn’t met the iPhone yet. His business in California needed his monitoring, and we went to the library for library cards. Their technology wasn’t up to speed. It took forever to find, read, or send anything, but David was happy. He was in contact with California! We were moving to a new world, and we needed to keep in touch with civilization.

We sent a half truck of furniture to our new home so we wouldn’t have to sleep on the blow-up mattress when we visited. We also needed a refrigerator and some furniture. On one visit, my sister Martha came with us to see our beautiful new world. Washing windows and screens had not been mentioned to her before the trip, but she joined in with smiles.

David went out to run errands and found a house for sale on the next cul-de-sac. He asked Martha and me to come see it. This is not California, my friends. The house had an Open House sign and was unlocked—and no one was there minding the store! David had become quite smitten with the house and thought we should move there.

I told him no way!

But, honey, it has a mudroom and a backyard and another bedroom downstairs.

We don’t need a backyard or another bedroom downstairs. I love the house we are moving into!

He could hear me just fine, and we went back to Bella Lane.

In July, we went to visit our now semifurnished home. No flight problems! Showers!

After David made us drinks, we sat down in our rockers and started to unwind. I wore my Tinkerbell PJs, and David was in his underwear and socks. He hooked up the VHS, and we watched Law and Order. Good times!

Chapter 2

Arkansas News, 2008

July 23

Our trip to Arkansas was uneventful—no delays and no bumpy air. David is really not feeling well, so we are spending a lot of time at home, which is lovely for me. I like just being here. We spent all afternoon and evening watching the whole season of Damages. (Thanks, Denise!) We would like to see a couple of movies—something we never find time to do in California—but David is not sure he can sit in a movie that long.

We had our first barbecue. David bought some filets, and we had that and salad on our first night. I am sending this from the library, and this computer is three to ten words behind my typing, so don’t be dismayed if the whole thing sounds a little off. David went to the golf club this morning and went in the Jacuzzi. I stayed home and read. There is nothing very exciting to write about. Just so you all know, we got here safe and are enjoying. Love, Mom.

July 28

After a week, David came down with a fever of 102. He had had a bad night the night before, and I was in a panic about who to call. Should I call California and talk to Kaiser?

Feverish heads prevailed.

No, honey. Look in my wallet for my VA card. There will be a number on the back to call.

Thank God for the VA hospital here. It is rated third in the nation, and they treated David wonderfully—like he was a general! Tonsillitis and pneumonia!

I wrote home. If I told you I would think of you often and write every day, I lied. We are enjoying good weather and no rain. Our deck is so surrounded by trees it looks like we are actually sitting in a tree house, and I am sleeping in every day.

If you are all gathering rocks to throw at me upon my return, my mom is back in the hospital, David has had tonsillitis and pneumonia since we got here, and the weather hates my hair! David has been on so many meds he can’t join me for cocktail hour. I’m sure it will surprise no one when I say that has not slowed my cocktail consumption one bit!

We are supposed to break out of the house tomorrow for dinner for our anniversary, which David would not have lived to see if he wasn’t such a good patient. See you all soon, Mom

July 29

We have received great news! Our real estate lady from California called. She has someone who wants to rent the California house for two years! Check in hand! As soon as we stopped jumping up and down, we divided the bathroom drawers and cabinets and organized the kitchen drawers. We are going home to pack! I have made a mental note to learn how to slow down and be friendly when we move here. Love, Mom

August 2

Well, my darlings, I guess we are really going. Yesterday, David signed the two-year lease on this house. They will be moving in on September 26. We will be very busy packing now. If there is anything in this house you have ever coveted, please let us know now. We are not going to take all this stuff with us. So, no matter how big or small, if you want something, let me know. Don’t be bashful! I love you all, Mom

I had been a single mom for thirty-three years and had worked at the same job for thirty-four. I always said, If you are looking for me, call my home or office. You’ll always find me. Wow! That sure changed: new phone numbers, a new time zone, a new zip code, a new world.

That’s when the News started. Arkansas was almost a foreign country to us. I found such humor in all we encountered. The subject line on my emails was The News from Arkansas. I could tell my family about all the fun we were having, all the new customs, and all the nice people.

David wanted his family added to the News list, and many of our friends also wanted to know what we were up to. No one would be able to say, David and Valerie moved away, and we never heard a word from them.

So, here’s the News.

September 25

We are here! Arkansas is officially our home now. We arrived with wine, scotch, and our daughter-in-law’s homemade biscuits. Now, where are we going to put it all?

October 3

It took the movers two days to unload all our stuff. One of our new neighbors drove down to the house with the men in the moving van so they could decide how to get that huge truck to the end of our very crooked street. We packed for months, which made unpacking a real treasure hunt. I have spent most of the past three days unloading the kitchen and deciding where everything should go. It was very daunting to say the least. I’m someone who needs a whole week just to figure out how to load a new dishwasher for crying out loud!

The people here amaze us every day. We went out for pizza with Lee and Becky, the real estate couple who helped us buy this house. Becky asked if we liked to play cards or get together for potlucks and games! Am I in heaven or what?

Some neighbors came over today with cookies and brownies and said they would like to have all the new folks over for some treats and a slide show about all the fun and beautiful things to do around here. I’m thinking of having the neighbors over for dinner when we get most of the stuff put away. Is anyone who knows my aversion to the kitchen still standing after that last sentence? I’ll try. I really will! We are home. Love, Valerie

October 4

I woke up today to wonderful thunder and lightning. I’ve been feeling badly about being here for a whole week without some stormin’ to listen to. I’m working on my southern drawl.

David went out to a dance last night. It was his second since we arrived. I can’t even find my dance shoes! I am too happily busy getting unpacked to want to go dancing just yet. He didn’t just go to the Moose Lodge; he joined and danced. He said the band was wonderful but the dancers need some work. Uh-oh. It sounds like someone is looking for students! Should I remind him we are retired? Should I remind him I am retired!

While he was out, I found the kitchen counters. I knew they were under that mess somewhere. David installed pull-out baskets in all the bottom kitchen cabinets that were large enough to hold them. After that, it’s okay if he goes dancing! Love and hugs, Valerie

Leaving my siblings in the lurch with my mom has taken some of the joy out of the move. They are certainly in my prayers. She is not doing well, and the fact that she is harder to communicate with makes talking on the phone hard for us. We have always been very close, and when I told her I was moving to Arkansas, she said she felt like she had just been punched in the stomach. She loves David and wants me to be happy, so she has wished us well and has promised to visit. Love, Valerie

October 8

Jane from 1 Berry Lane came down today to introduce herself, offer any assistance we might need, and bring three nut cakes: one with cranberries, one banana, and one a surprise. I’m hoping for lemon. She told us she was the one who picked up the movers and drove them down to #9 to see what they were in for. Her husband wanted to know what in the world she was doing picking up strange men in the street!

Recycling is very important to me—but apparently not to the trash man. This is another interesting new hitch in our Arkansas adventure. In California, you get the big bin, all the recycling stuff gets thrown in it, and a big truck comes and picks it up. Not so in Arkansas. Things have to be sorted ten ways to Sunday and taken to the recycle center. Plastic containers have to be sorted, number ones in one bin and number twos in another. They don’t take anything over number two, so you need to be vigilant. Newspapers, magazines, cardboard, and aluminum cans must be separated. Bottles must be separated as to color (clear, brown, green). To add to all that, David wasn’t overjoyed at the prospect of having all those bins in his garage. I managed to do it in four stacking bins, and I said, It’s my garage too, honey.

David and I had chicken for dinner tonight. My favorite is the one you buy already cooked and ready to eat. I was working on the bones in our kitchen.

David saw a wasp that had been visiting with me in the kitchen all afternoon. Honey, how we are going to get it out of here?

I was still very busy with my chicken bones. I think it will go out if we turn off all the lights in the kitchen and turn on the lights on the deck. The next thing I knew, I was sucking on bones in the dark, David was out in the garage, and the wasp had taken the cue and headed for the deck.

I am still using David’s computer since he hasn’t hooked mine up yet. I’m still looking for my office stuff so that I can get that room finished. I need to get my own computer up and running and connected to the internet. That will have to happen before you get this. I am keeping track of things on my computer and will transfer it all then. I worked really hard on my side of the desk today, so I think there is actually enough room there now. I hope tomorrow will be the big day.

In answer to a query from Cyndi, we both have our own computers because we had them before we were living together. However, I would not want to share David’s in any case. I wait until he leaves the house before I log on. I have my own camera and drill for the same reasons. He is a darling, but he is more than just a little picky about his things. The instructions seem to be required each and every time the item is used! Love to all, Valerie

October 9

Hey, y’all, come by and see us when you are in the neighborhood. All we see when we look out our windows is green. The dogwood trees are turning red, and we are told the rest won’t be far behind. During the winter months, it’s not quite as pretty, but I still love looking at all those trees! Love, Valerie

October 15

On Friday, we went to the Moose Lodge for dinner and dancing. Dancing started at five, and it was five dollars each to get in. Dinner started at six—three dollars each. Dinner was a grilled cheese sandwich, homemade potato soup, salad, and homemade chocolate cake. We danced until the seven o-clock break and then went home. We Arkies are party animals!

October 16

We saw our first deer today. We were on our way home from lunch at Subway, and it was just standing in the street. It looked at us, showed us its little white tail, and dashed into the trees. We are still throwing deer corn out back, and the chipmunks and squirrels seem to like it, but so far, no deer. The neighbors assure us that once they find out dinner is being served, they won’t miss a day.

I put out our solar lights today. Arkansas is full of rocks! Two of our neighbors came over to get a load of the new kid on the block trying to put plastic posts in the rock beds out front. After much digging, sledging, and hammering, I gave up trying to put them in the decorative rock and put them on the edges of the grass. Even then, the positions had to be moved about since there are rocks under the grass too. I didn’t want the gardener to have to work around them, but he is on his own. Oops, I have been told—but forgot—they aren’t gardeners, they are grass