The Dunce Cap: Why America Deserves the Stool in the Corner

By Paul Holbert

America may be a great country, but its also a hotbed of ridiculous laws, ludicrous media practices, and outrageous decision-makers says author Paul Holbert in his new book, Dunce Cap, a no-holds-barred chronicle of the silly side of the U.S.A. dedicated to the nationss veterans. But unlike many books that satirize America with malicious intent, this book is written by a patriotic American who openly supports his country- giving this book a unique, ironic perspective that many readers will find entertaining. Blunt, humorous, and pleasantly unrestrained, Dunce Cap is a hard look at the nonsensical side of the greatest nation in the world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 4, 2007
• ISBN: 9781462831159

Paul Holbert

Paul Holbert, a twenty-year military veteran, discovered a passion for writing while completing his graduate studies at Troy State and LaSalle Universities. His duties as a Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Warfare Specialist combined with extensive travels to different parts of the globe combine to fuel an adventurous and easy to read writing style directed at both the casual and avid reader. An experienced military instructor and part-time college teacher, Paul plans to pursue a career in education or as a corporate trainer after his upcoming retirement from the Army.

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Copyright © 2007 by Paul Holbert.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

Preface

Chapter 1

Property Values?

Chapter 2

Pet Peeves

Chapter 3

Political Incorrectness

Chapter 4

Media Madness

Chapter 5

So Sue Me

Chapter 6

The Hoity Toity

Chapter 7

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Finale

Dedicated to all US military veteran’s past and present who so willingly gave of their time, their hearts, and sometimes their lives so all Americans can enjoy the right to screw up the country they’ve so vigorously defended.

Preface

You probably saw the title of this book and wondered What’s this all about? or maybe there are those of you too young to even understand the significance of the dunce cap or what it means. Well this would definitely be need to know information if you’re going to read on and appreciate the contents of this book for what it is… a semi-sarcastic look at the folly of America.

Just what is a dunce cap? Yes in my humble attempt at sarcasm and humor I am going to at least try to teach some of you something in the process. The original intent of the cap itself was meant to signify the exact opposite of what many of us grew up understanding it to mean. The word dunce derives from John Duns Scotus, a 13th century theologian, who believed that the wearing of conical hats increased learning. Unfortunately, Scotus and his followers fell under increased ridicule for this and other views deemed nonsensical for the times so the hat touted by his group of followers eventually came to signify, instead of learning, one who was stupid or lazy and lacked the academic prowess expected of the normal person.

How does this equate to American society today? If you look around it doesn’t take long to see we are becoming a nation of people who, more often than not, seek the path of least resistance in whatever we do, whether it’s the pills that lose weight for us or the lotteries that make us instant millionaires without having to do any work that normally accompanies financial success and security. This is not to say that my wife and I haven’t purchased our share of tickets when we felt the lucky bug but the difference is there are those among us who spend all day doing nothing except scheming and dreaming instead of working for what we feel we deserve in hopes that someone will come along and simply drop it in our laps. In short, we want it all and we want it now.

As such, America is fast becoming a nation that spends more time worrying about the ridiculous than the normal concerns of living evidenced by those that have no greater purpose in life than to agonize over the fact that their neighbors are driving the newest Mercedes off the showroom floor while they have to slum around in last years model, demand that we use the term vertically challenged because it’s offensive to call someone short, or support some criminals right to sue the retired couple, who’s house they just broke into, because they slipped and injured themselves while trying to steal their television set.

While some of the examples of our misguided obsessions included in this book are minor, many are utterly bizarre so it’s not hard to figure out why there’s a stool in the corner with a dunce cap perched atop ready for us to wear. After all, with some of the things we’ve allowed to permeate American society, we’ve earned it.

Chapter 1

Property Values?

Growing up I remember many of the things my parents tried to instill in me at an early age. You know… the Don’t point, it’s not polite, Chew with your mouth closed, or If you start out telling a lie, you’ll only have to make up a bigger one to cover it up. There were so many behavioral and social acceptance requirements that at age twelve I panicked thinking I’ll never remember all this stuff! Well maybe I’m exaggerating a bit (it was age 14 OK?) but I’m sure many of us remember those days as well and the things we were supposed to learn as kids. Despite their best efforts, it was painful for our parents to watch us grow into young adults and still encounter the pitfalls of the maturing process, especially when we seemingly ignored all of their advice regardless of the fact that most of it was based on years of experience.

Eventually we learned what was considered the normal, acceptable standards of society and how we were supposed to act when we went out to play on the playground with others and, amazingly, the rules did not change dramatically as we graduated from the children’s to the adult sandbox. The problem is that over the past fifteen years it seems that 1) fewer and fewer of us are learning those lessons as we grow older (and yes I said growing older not maturing because it’s pretty evident that some of us are not maturing), or 2) our parents, who learned standards of conduct from their parents, are either unwilling or unable to pass them on to the younger generation. Regardless of the reason, we are definitely a nation with ever shrinking social and ethical standards and a sore lack of common sense. This was not always the case.

Since our forefathers decided to pen the preamble to the Constitution in 1787 Americans have always been a very proud people often leading the world in scientific and economic development and for those of us who remember some of the crazy days of the 60’s and 70’s (what young people now study in their history books), we also remember that even though our country’s boat was rocked by an occasional epic event, eventually the motion stopped, the vessel righted itself, and we recovered from our seasickness.

In 1790 most of the things Americans bought were imported, made at home, or produced in small shops but by 1860 American factories and technology were often the envy of their international counterparts. In less than a century, new machines, new sources of power, and new ways of organizing work had transformed the United States from an agricultural nation to an industrial power. With Samuel Morse’s original telegraph transmitter and receiver in 1837, America kicked off the information age with the telegraph. It was the first instrument to transform information into electrical form and transmit it reliably over long distances and quickly spread to link the nation and eventually, the world.

Thomas Edison didn’t just invent a light bulb. He put together what he knew about electricity with his knowledge of gas lights and invented a whole system of electric lighting. This meant light bulbs, electrical generators, wires to get the electricity from the power station to the homes, fixtures (lamps, sockets, switches) for the light bulbs, and more. It was like a big jigsaw puzzle—and Edison made up the pieces as well and fitted them together. With this, America launched the world into a new age.

We survived the Great Depression when banks foreclosed on millions of farms and homes, as newly sworn President, Franklin Roosevelt, suddenly shut down all 18,000 banks in America, aiming to overhaul them as fast as possible. Americans lived without cash or credit and people bartered with all manner of things to survive. But survive we did.

While there is a great moral debate over our creation and use of the first nuclear bomb in 1945, there is no doubt that nuclear energy has opened the doors to endless possibilities for the development of mankind. Maybe it was fear or just plain luck that we didn’t end our existence during the cold war when people were busy investing their money in back yard bomb shelters instead of stocks and bonds.

The energy problems of the 1970s and the Arab oil embargo of 1973 triggered economic and energy malaise for the United States. While the embargo certainly began what became known as the energy crisis, it was not the first event that suggested problems with the American energy system and we have had to adjust our way of living to some extent to meet the changing energy industry in some form or fashion ever since. That crisis seems to pale in comparison to today’s energy crunch given the prices at the pumps thanks to the whim of speculators, price gougers, and more recently, hurricane Katrina which slammed into the gulf coast during the summer of 2005.

Finally, our pride, egos, and seemingly safe haven were all severely damaged when terrorists struck the heart of our country on September 11, 2001. We were a nation in shock but persevered and rebuilt the cities as many rebuilt their lives.

We have always been very proud and productive but we are by no means perfect. The treatment of the American Indians and slave trades of the 1800’s are examples of parts of our history many would like to forget. Still as the twentieth century progressed so did America and the way we conducted ourselves not only within our own borders but with members of the international community. The question now is in what direction has this progress taken us?

Over the past fifteen years there seems be a shift in the conduct and moral fiber of our populace in general that has led us away from the values of our grandparents and turned us into a faced paced monster that slows for no one. The old joke in Europe was if you’re driving on the autobahn and you’re not going at least 100 get out of the way or get run over. Most of us have adopted that same mentality in our everyday lives. Whether it’s the drivers around the DC region who think it’s okay to completely ignore traffic laws (as I’m sure motorists do in other metropolitan areas as well) and make illegal left hand turns from the center lane because they don’t want to wait their turn in the proper lane or those who feel that the posted speed limits are meant for everyone but them, we are all in a hurry to get somewhere and feel it is our right because our lives are more important than anyone else’s.

Admittedly we are busier than we were ten years ago but are we really at that point where we no longer have time to have dinner or even spend fifteen minutes talking to other members of our family? If so why? Could it be that we are driven to be better than the person in the cubicle next to us at work or perhaps we are reverting back to keeping up with the Jones’ and finding out that the Jones’ are in the same rat race we are so there’s no hope in ever catching them? Surely if we can find time to procreate then we have time to chat once in a while don’t we?

Perhaps we fall in that category of people who can’t wait for things to happen and demand instant gratification. Gone are the days when we worked for things and then bought them when we were able. Instant credit and the I want it now mentality have infected Americans as quickly as the spread of the plague in the middle ages. Its little wonder the US Census Bureau reports bankruptcies at the rate of 381 for every 100,000 of us. A more recent example of this me attitude raised it’s ugly head in the wake of Hurricane Katrina when people in New Orleans were filmed on the streets of the Crescent City breaking into stores, shops and jewelers. The excuse that they were desperate doesn’t wash because the storm had not even completely left the area when this started and unless I’m missing something, jewelry and designer tennis shoes are not essential survival supplies we usually pack in an emergency kit.

These are just a few examples of our behavior and attitudes that are displayed every day on the multitude of news broadcasts across the country. The problem is that many of these traits are not left at home when we leave our borders. As a member of the military living abroad for eleven years of my career, I saw these attitudes of the ugly American carried aboard flights like luggage stored in the overhead compartment. Unfortunately, when they are unpacked in someone else’s culture, it doesn’t always leave the best impression of Americans on members of the host nations we are visiting.

While it is true that there are still many great things about our nation and the citizens who live within it’s borders, it is evident that these positives are becoming an ever shrinking influence and if we continue on the path we are going we may as well post a sign on the shore as people enter that reads like a listing for a second hand piece of real estate in a bad neighborhood. For Sale: Cheap.

Chapter 2

Pet Peeves

For those of us in our formidable years I’m sure it’s easy to remember adolescent squabbles with our parents and making the statement, usually under our breath as we shut the door to our rooms, that we would never grow up to treat our kids the way we were being treated because it was unfair! A few years later, after one or two trips to the maternity ward, we suddenly realize for the first time we not only acted like our parents but had become them!

When I reached that point and got over the initial shock it dawned on me that my parents were right in most cases and it gave me a heightened appreciation of what they went through raising me. There was a method to the madness even if I didn’t understand it at the time and I learned some of life’s most important lessons from my upbringing. One was the old fashioned value of being a man and what that meant in correlation to the rest of the human race. Now I’m not referring to the tough guy stereotypical images we see on sitcoms of a guy sitting around drinking beer, barking orders at the wife and kids, and then confidently bragging in front of his buddies that I wear the pants in my house. We are well beyond those old ways but there are some things that never change no matter how far into the future we trod.

My family was a hard working clan and subsequently I learned the value of earning one’s way and standing up to be counted when the chips were down. As a young boy I spent time working hard (and sometimes playing) all day on my grandmother’s farm. If my brother or I cut a finger while out in the fields we stuck it in the cold water of the creek that ran through the pasture to numb the pain and went right back to whatever it was we were doing at the time. Of course this macho attitude did not include serious injuries such as the time I convinced my young cousin to pee on an electric fence that surrounded the horse corral. While I know he was hurting I was in agony from laughing so hard that my ribs ached for days! He never did appreciate the humor in that for some reason.

If we got a little hungry we grabbed a handful of horse feed mixed with molasses from the barn and munched away until it was time to go to the house to eat. We were, as Arnold would say definitely not Girly Men. There was little that affected us and I learned that a little adversity and perseverance created self assurance and I credit these early lessons with contributing significantly too much of my success in life.

Unfortunately, some of these ideas have been lost in the shuffle as we have evolved into a nation of people seemingly unable to cope with everyday stresses or physical challenges who look for the path of least resistance during our stroll through the day. Now before you call for my scalp or demand that a Fatwa be placed on me for bad mouthing my fellow citizen’s, consider some of the common indicators. I dare say that many of us rarely even notice them because they have become so commonplace.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water…

Nearing the end of my military career, I spent the last few years in Europe… Germany to be more specific. Before some of you begin to let out oohs and aah’s and hum Emersen, Lake, and Palmer’s Lucky Man, living overseas did have its disadvantages. While I enjoyed some of the excellent food (I still miss the strong coffee and freshly baked pastries) and the history of Europe, there were a number of things I didn’t like. I had a strong disdain for the way Europeans rolled up their sidewalks at 2:00 PM on Saturday afternoon and closed everything until Monday. Being accustomed to our American tradition of weekends being one of our busiest times for activities this took some getting used to. I also had a dim view of the lack of activities (when I did get time off from my military duties). If you didn’t travel there were only so many other things to do and traveling could often lead to traffic jams as far as the eye could see even on the Autobahn. But I digress.

One thing that required some adjustment living in Germany, especially in the southern part, was the water. We’ve all heard the old jokes about traveling to other countries and the advice Whatever you do, don’t drink the water, that usually accompanies the trip but in this case it was no punch line. The water in Germany was filled with various minerals and calcium deposits and not treated the way we are used to here which is one reason why people in that region drink so much beer (at least it sounds like a good excuse). We realized that we had to filter water used in the kitchen for cooking and frequently bought cleaners specifically designed to remove varying deposits from our coffee pot and utensils. The water was so hard that we had to use a special cleaner to get the mineral residue from our shower and sinks as well and was a simple fact of