Unleashing Raine

By Sierra Raine

This is a true story about my life. Only the names were changed to protect the identity of my family. I am portrayed as Sierra. I was born in 1976 to a poverty-stricken family in the South. My father was an egotistical man who did not want a family, and my mother was a melodramatic woman who longed for a fairy tale. My parents divorced when I was four years old, and Mom moved on to a man named Gregory who she believed was the man of her dreamsthe polar opposite of my dad. That relationship began our life of hell, and thus my struggle began.

Gregory turned out to be a monsternot only an alcoholic, but a paranoid schizophrenic. He beat Mom regularly for six years while I hid in the shadows. Our home life was unstable; we lived in campers, run-down shacks, and dilapidated trailers with no heat or electricity. Constant chaos ensued as we tried to desperately survive the horror story that was our lives.

Gregory controlled us and treated us as his personal slaves, and Mom dutifully endured while I accumulated resentment within. I was a quiet, introverted child who internalized everything. Everyone thought I was dealing with the situation beautifully and therefore offered me no help or support. My faith in God pulled me through those times and made me into a stronger, better person.

Despite growing up in poverty without loving parents or family and with the troubles I have had in relationships, I have done well for myself. God has blessed me beyond measure. I credit all my success to God and give him the glory.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 20, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524656225

Sierra Raine

Sierra Raine is an IT professional who suffered a tumultuous childhood at the hands of a mentally ill, alcoholic stepfather. She denied that her upbringing affected her for many years until she could no longer ignore a pattern of dysfunctional relationships. Through those strained relationships, counseling sessions, and prayer, she has been able to navigate through the muddy waters of her life to find freedom, self-acceptance, and joy. Along the journey she has been able to learn from the past and use her experiences as a stepping stone to educate herself and others about the effects of emotional, physical, sexual, and psychological abuse.

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© 2017 Sierra Raine. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 12/21/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5246-5623-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-5621-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-5622-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016921074

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Scripture taken from the KING JAMES VERSION of the Bible.

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Contents

The Early Years

Introduction: A Reflection

Chapter 1: A Broken Home

Chapter 2: A New, Not-So-Good Life

Chapter 3: Moving

Chapter 4: The Diagnosis

Chapter 5: Changes

Chapter 6: Junior High

Distractions and Coping

Chapter 7: The Paper Route

Chapter 8: Domination

Chapter 9: Money Really Does Change Everything

Chapter 10: Chuck

Chapter 11: Taking Control

Real Life

Chapter 12: Dreams and Disappointments

Chapter 13: Married Life

Chapter 14: Where to Go From Here

Chapter 15: The BIG D

Chapter 16: What Now?

Chapter 17: The Grass Is Not Always Greener

Answers

Chapter 18: Enlisting Help

Chapter 19: 100 Strikes and You’re Out

Chapter 20: Closure

Chapter 21: Drama

Chapter 22: Blessings

Chapter 23: Lessons Learned

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to all who are suffering from any kind of trauma. It could be a divorce, a broken relationship, sexual abuse, physical abuse, or anything that is weighing your spirit down. I pray that you will ask God to help you and choose to lean on Him through your journey. It’s not easy to relinquish control of your life to God, but it is well worth it. What seems like a sacrifice now will prove to be the best decision you will ever make; the reward will far outweigh the sacrifice.

God will not let you down. God will turn a bad situation into a positive in your life; something good will come out of your pain. Keep the faith and stay positive, and look for His favor and blessings in your life daily. Stay in constant prayer all day long. Never cease asking Him for His help. The journey to healing is always longer than we would like it to be, but if you stick with it, and stay the course, you will find a beautiful rainbow of blessings waiting for you on the other side.

God promises to restore what you have lost and give you beauty for ashes. He will repay you double what was taken from you. You will come out better than you were before, so keep the faith and press on looking forward to God’s good plan and blessings for your life.

Isaiah 61:7 (ESV)

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.

FOREWORD

The Lord of the Universe, God Almighty, made it clear this story must be told. How else can one explain why I am writing the foreword? The story of Sierra Raine is one of overcoming tragedy and becoming whole. I am certain her story will bring hope to those who have dealt with the shame, scars, and brokenness of an abusive family.

In May 2013 my wife, Robyn and I, and our oldest living son, Blake, traveled to Glacier National Park for a family vacation. We did not realize the significant amount of snow in that part of the country at that time of year. In fact, the Going-to-the-Sun-Road which traverses 58 miles through the park is typically closed until mid-June. During our first day of hiking we crossed paths with a young lady, who was hiking alone. As she headed down the trail, I remember saying to Robyn, I wonder what her story is? This is not a question I often ask. Why is a young lady, in her mid-30s, hiking alone in a massive park when the bears are just waking up? The park rangers had told us to be on high alert.

Later that day, or the next, we ran into this young lady on another trail in West Glacier. We mumbled some sort of greeting and continued. A couple days later, now in East Glacier, a two-hour trip around the exterior of the park, we began our final day of hiking. As we headed to St. Mary Falls we ran into her again! I thought to myself, you have to be kidding. Glacier National Park is huge. The park encompasses over one million acres and 150 trails stretching over 750 miles. Why did we keep running into her? We exchanged greetings and introductions and learned her name was Sierra Raine, and that she was from South Carolina. We commented how weird it was to keep running into each other. I put her information into my work phone and did not think much about Sierra for another 18 months. Little did we know; God had other plans.

My wife Robyn and I traveled to South Carolina on business in December 2014. At the time I worked for the NCAA and was responsible for the initial eligibility operations. I was going to visit about a half dozen universities, located from Charleston to Myrtle Beach, to Spartanburg, to near Charlotte, NC during our week long trip. Robyn and I arrived on a Sunday night and during dinner continued an on-going conversation about the opportunity to one day establish a hiking ministry, loosely modeled after our family’s experience attending Fort Wilderness in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. After dinner, I said to Robyn, Do you remember the young lady we met hiking at Glacier National Park—she is from South Carolina? Robyn remembered her but vaguely. We had not seen Sierra in over a year and a half. Her contact information put into my phone at the time was no longer available as we changed work phones over a year prior. I continually tried to recall her name and where she lived in my mind.

After leaving the restaurant we started down the interstate and I noticed an exit sign and exclaimed, That’s it—that’s where Sierra lives! That night and the following morning, I was exceedingly restless. The Holy Spirit was really working on me! The last time I recalled that feeling was 13 years earlier during the 33 day hospitalization and ultimate passing of our oldest son Payton. I said to Robyn, I think we need to try and find Sierra. If indeed that was her name. Robyn said, That is creepy. I agree it sounded a little odd on the surface, but I still felt it was something we needed to do. She did not say I could not try and find her, so I moved forward. Where to start? During my 51 years of life, I had never tried to find anyone nor used social media to any degree. So I started where any novice might—I googled her name, and up popped a number of sites that would help locate someone for a fee. I signed up with Been Verified, which offered a trial for five days for a dollar. I entered her name and city (or so I thought) and received a listing of about two dozen individuals with her name. I then scrolled down the list and there it was—one name with the same town I saw on the exit sign the prior evening. My heart was racing now.

There were multiple numbers listed for Sierra. I called the first number and it was disconnected. I prayed, Lord if you want me to find Sierra it will happen. I called the second number and a lady answered. I said, Is Sierra there? She answered, That is my daughter. I said, This may be strange, but did she go to Glacier National Park last year? She said, Yes. I responded, We went to Glacier National Park and ran into her on several occasions. My wife and I are in South Carolina and we are trying to connect with her. I then muttered something about not being stalkers. Sierra’s mother said, Yes, she told me about you guys. She thought for a few seconds and said, I can give you her work phone number. I thanked her and assured her we were not up to any funny business.

I looked up her address and was stunned to find out her workplace was literally two miles from my scheduled meeting place at 2:30 that afternoon! I thought to myself—this is unbelievable. About 9:45 am I called the office number Sierra’s mom gave me and got her voicemail. I left a message and said I was going to be very close to where she worked later that afternoon. About an hour later Sierra returned my call. I asked Sierra if she would like to get together with Robyn and me after work. Sierra indicated she had a prior commitment, but was available to get together for lunch in two hours. We were about an hour and fifteen minutes away. Robyn agreed to travel with me for lunch—she would find a coffee shop or book store to hang out in during my scheduled meeting later that afternoon.

As we headed to see Sierra our excitement mounted. We were now going to see this young lady that we kept running into in Glacier National Park—and literally within a few hours of figuring out her name, location, reaching her mother and having a business meeting in the city she worked in. Hard to comprehend! The Bible tells us there is nothing the Lord does not ordain.

We arrived at Ruby Tuesday’s full of excitement and met Sierra for lunch. I prayed over our meal and thanked the Lord for bringing us together. Sierra seemed like a nice young lady. She loved to run and hike. She thought we were her guardian angels inside the park as she was praying for protection from the bears and we kept popping up. It was a delightful lunch and we agreed to stay in touch.

We walked back to the car in the cold light drizzle. I said to Robyn, We forgot to take a picture. I was upset. I wanted to share the picture with our son Blake and ask him to guess who we saw, and to remember our time together. Oh well. I found a bookstore near the restaurant and dropped off Robyn and headed to my meeting. Three hours later, much longer than I expected, I returned to pick up Robyn. I asked if we could go to dinner nearby as it was 5:45 pm and we would not arrive back to our hotel until at least 7:15 pm. I recalled a pizza place, Mellow Mushroom, was located near the bookstore, but upon leaving the bookstore, we could not find the restaurant. We headed across the street to Target to get supplies for the week and I asked Robyn if I could try to find the restaurant again (something I am not prone to do). I drove around to the back of the strip mall, behind the movie theatre, and finally found the place.

I quickly parked the car and we headed into the restaurant. The hostess stand was right in front of us. Immediately to the right, at the table in the clearest view of the front door, was Sierra. We were stunned! She was joining her best friends for a Christmas celebration. We had a chance to visit for a while and meet her friends, and laugh about this ongoing incredible set of circumstances which kept bringing us together—and to get that picture I wanted! As we said goodbye, Sierra’s friend remarked I am sure you will see her tomorrow. We all laughed.

I planned to return to Charlotte, North Carolina in February, two months later, to visit the other two schools I was unable to visit during my trip in December. We made plans to visit with Sierra for dinner—after five previous coincidental occurrences—this visit was planned!

We met for dinner on a cold blustery evening in Charlotte in mid-February 2015. There was a lot to talk about. Near the end of our dinner, and unprompted, Sierra shared her story with us—the same question I asked Robyn almost two years prior. She said, I have shared this with only one or two people in my life. We listened intently as she shared personal details that are very difficult to share, let alone hear. Robyn, an avid reader, responded This is what I read about in books—this could be a movie. Sierra’s story is both incredibly sad and powerfully hopeful. She placed her faith and trust in the Lord; however, the scars from years of abuse and neglect had left its mark. As we would learn in future discussions, she hid a lot of shame. Her self-worth was pretty low. I looked at Sierra, and welling up with emotion said, Now I know why the Lord brought us together. Did I know the specific reason? No. Was it to confirm our call to minister through hiking, creation and one’s journey and story? Perhaps. Did the Lord bring us together to provide encouragement and support to Sierra in those meetings and our time together since? Possibly. Or was it for us to connect her with a very close and long-time friend, who is head of marketing for the largest self-publishing company in the world? Maybe.

What I do know is that my wife Robyn and I love Sierra. We have enjoyed subsequent (planned) hiking trips together and her visit to our home last Christmas. We have seen her gradually pull out of her shell of shame and self-loathing to begin to blossom into the lovely young lady God made her to be. We admire her willingness to spend the past 18 months laboring over the writing of her story with a singular desire to help others in situations similar to hers. The story which follows will captivate you as the cleansing rain of God’s love and grace washes away all that has kept her bound in the past and slowly begins to unleash her spirit. We know this is a story the Lord wanted told—there is no other plausible explanation as to why we are writing this foreword.

Eternally grateful for the Lord allowing our paths to cross with Sierra Raine.

Todd (and Robyn) Leyden

Executive Director, Fort Wilderness Ministries (as of October 2016 – perhaps calling was confirmed)

PREFACE

This is a true story about my life. Only the names were changed to protect the identity of my family. I am portrayed as Sierra. I was born in 1976 to a poverty-stricken family in the South. My father was an egotistical man who did not want a family, and my mother was a melodramatic woman who longed for a fairy tale. My parents divorced when I was four years old, and Mom moved on to a man named Gregory who she believed was the man of her dreams—the polar opposite of my dad. That relationship began our life of hell, and thus my struggle began.

Gregory turned out to be a monster—not only an alcoholic but a paranoid schizophrenic. He beat Mom regularly for six years while I hid in the shadows. Our home life was unstable; we lived in campers, run-down shacks, and dilapidated trailers with no heat or electricity. Constant chaos ensued as we tried desperately to survive the horror story that was our lives.

Gregory controlled us and treated us as his personal slaves, and Mom dutifully endured while I accumulated resentment within. I was a quiet, introverted child who internalized everything. Everyone thought I was dealing with the situation beautifully and therefore offered me no help or support. My faith in God pulled me through those times and made me into a stronger, better person.

Even though I came out of that situation without turning to drugs, alcohol, or any other vice, it left me with deep wounds—wounds I am trying to heal to this day. I’ve had failed relationships and have come to realize that I somehow pick men with traits similar to my horrible stepfather’s. Though none of them beat me, growing up with a monster of a stepfather made me believe that a good man is simply a man with no vices, who does not beat me or verbally abuse me. If the man meets those criteria, I’m willing to put up with just about anything.

I have intimacy issues from the sexual perversion I witnessed growing up, not to mention the possibility of repressed memories of molestation or rape. My whole life I tried to be the exact opposite of my mom, but as it turns out, I inadvertently followed in her footsteps when it came to men—and to this day my struggle with trusting men continues.

Despite growing up in poverty without loving parents or family and the troubles I have had in relationships, I have done well for myself and God has blessed me beyond measure. God was the One who pulled me out of the pit and into the palace I am in today. I credit all my success to God and give Him the glory. Had I not gone through the struggles I went through, I would not have the blessings or insight I have today. I do not regret the past nor wish I could change it; it has made me a better person. My story is a story of trials, tribulation, and triumph. God has given me beauty for ashes and is now showing me what lies beyond the struggle.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I want to give a special thanks to my friend and mentor Melody. You have helped me more than you know. You believed in me when I did not. Your encouragement and guidance have been invaluable to me. Your unique perspective helped me see things in my life I would have never seen. Thank you for sticking by me. I could not have completed this project without you.

Thanks also to my friend John who gave me the idea of writing a book. Your enthusiastic, fearless, positive energy is infectious. Thank you for inspiring me to take on the challenge.

My friend Mike—thanks for taking the time to read through some of the manuscript and offering suggestions and insight to make the book better. Your talent for detail is second to none; you are gifted. Thanks for always being there for me.

Thank you to Dr. Scott Stewart for helping polish this project. Your words of encouragement and suggestions really add value to the book.

Thanks to my favorite companion, my fur baby, the hours you spent on my feet as I wrote this book was beyond comforting. You have gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life and I love you like a child. The unconditional love you have given me can never be matched by any human. You truly are an angel dropped straight from Heaven to comfort me. You fill my heart and soul with pure love and joy.

Last but not least, I want to thank my brother for supporting and encouraging me in this project. I love you.

Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

INTRODUCTION: A REFLECTION

What is a normal childhood? For me, normal was constantly looking for a place to hide. Where could I go where I wouldn’t be hit by a crazy man’s fist? Where I wouldn’t hear the Lord’s name being taken in vain with every word I heard uttered? Where I wouldn’t hear my mother’s voice screaming for mercy from the beating she was enduring? Where I wouldn’t witness sexual perversion? Where could I go where there was peace, love, and joy?

I can still hear my mother screaming in the middle of the night, Gregory, no! … Please stop! … God, please make him stop! … Sierra, run, run and hide! I can still vividly hear my mother and stepfather having sex after the violent night of beatings he had just inflicted on her. The moaning and heavy breathing echoed throughout the tiny shack of a home we lived in. I tried with all my might to shut it all out. Though I wish I didn’t remember, the sounds and images are burned into my memory to this day. It’s as if it all happened yesterday. Was this a normal childhood? It took me years to realize that it wasn’t.

As the sun beams down upon my face, here on top of my tiny piece of land in the wilderness, I think back on all God has done for me, how far He has brought me, and all the things He has taught me. As I sit here with my dog in my lap in the tranquility of the woods, listening to a babbling creek flow by, I realize that this was but a distant dream so many years ago. Yet, here I am. How did I get here? How did I come this far? It seemed so out of reach once upon a time.

Philippians 4:7 (NIV) says, And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Peace—that was the dream I most wanted to come true in my life. Calmness, serenity, silence, harmony: it all seemed so unreachable at that time. But I knew this day would come. I knew that if I weathered the storm and followed God I would never fail. I would accomplish my hopes and dreams by practicing obedience, patience, perseverance, and faith.

Along with craving peace and harmony, I yearned for simplicity. Living amidst turmoil and chaos quickly develops your appreciation for anything uncomplicated. The simple things in life amuse me. Watching butterflies flutter gracefully through the air, listening to the wind whispering through the trees, feeling the soft crawl of a ladybug making its way up my arm—this is what life is all about. The sight of three tiny green lizards jumping from leaf to leaf on the hydrangea was enough to make me happy that I got up this morning. Helping a box turtle cross the road today filled me with joy. This is truly what is meant by stopping to smell the roses.

Achieving that serenity came with a heavy price, however, a price many of us have to pay whether we want to or not. We sometimes have to pay for the sins of others in our lives, sins we don’t deserve to pay for. We brought no discord upon ourselves, yet we get to carry the burden. We have to decide if we will come out of it bitter or better, or sometimes a little of both.

There are many stories more tragic than the one I am about to share, and I am actually very blessed and thankful that my story was not even worse than it is. People are suffering terrible injustices throughout the world today. All injustices, no matter how big or small, leave a mark on us. Situations and circumstances shape and mold us into who we are and who we become. No one is immune to the pain, but there is a rainbow on the other side if we fight to find it.

If you let the injustices consume you, sin wins. If you let the misfortune teach you something, everybody wins. You can come out better and will be able to help others in the same situation. I spent many years angry and bitter and had many God, why me? moments. I was jealous and angry when I saw other children interact with their parents. Most of the children I observed had parents who adored them, put them up on a pedestal, and treated them as the most valuable possessions in the universe. Why, I wondered, why couldn’t I have parents like that? I felt like I was so insignificant not only to my parents but to everyone else as well. I sensed that I was unwanted, a burden to everyone, and I felt sorry for myself. So I lived a frustrated, unhappy existence. What good did that do me? None. It just kept me standing in the same spot with no growth year after year.

I wanted happiness, and having a negative, pitiful mindset was not getting me any closer to my goal. I knew it was time to buckle down and face my past issues head-on. If I ever wanted my dreams to come true, I had to deal with my life and how I got to where I was. I had to dissect every situation and think about what went wrong and how I could have handled it better or what, if anything, I could have done to change it. Was it simply not my place to do anything? I often wondered if the series of events I went through in my life was all for a reason that God appointed so I could fulfill my purpose on Earth, all the while making me a better person for it.

I spent almost 30 years mad and unwilling to deal with my past. I wasn’t ready to heal and was too stubborn to heal. Like most people, I thought the issues would eventually go away if I just ignored them or did nothing about them… Oh, if it were only that simple. The other response is to blame everybody else and exclude yourself from playing any part in it.

I wanted the people who hurt me to pay, and thoughts of revenge flooded my mind. I wanted them to hurt just as badly as I hurt. No one seemed to care about me or the hell I went through as a child. My feelings were not important; I felt that I didn’t matter to anyone. I felt so powerless and emotionally abandoned, and I yearned for someone to care.

As much as I wanted help and care, though, I never asked for it. Having a shy, sheepish personality, I did not communicate my feelings easily and kept them bottled up inside. I seemed to want someone, anyone, to care enough to ask me how I was feeling, but no one ever did. I had always assumed people would see or sense that something was not quite right with me and ask me about it. I was wrong. People are not as intuitive and observant as I had thought and hoped; then again, maybe they are and simply chose not to get involved.

Having never received support and comfort from my family, I sought help in Christian books and Christian counselors. I watched the television preachers Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen every time they were on; they were my favorites. Meyer helped me work through my injustices since she had been oppressed by every indecent behavior known to man, and Osteen helped keep my attitude in check, increase my faith, and wait for God’s goodness and favor to come upon me. Their books and teachings were priceless to me. Learning from their lives and sermons really helped me advance in my journey.

The many counselors I saw also helped me along the way, mainly by encouraging me to talk through events. Having someone listen and care about what I was saying was refreshing. It was nice to have a sounding board to bounce my thoughts, ideas, and feelings off. That is something I never had, and it is sad that I had to pay for someone to listen, for someone to care. I truly wanted direction and healing, and if I were doing something wrong, I wanted to hear it. I never had a poor me session. It was always, what do I have to do to get past this? I wanted criticism. I wanted to face issues head-on so I could move on with my life. I sincerely wanted closure.

The past 10 years I’ve been on a journey of discovery, a journey to discover myself. Who am I? What do I like? What makes me tick? What makes me happy? These and other questions occupy my mind. Though I have come so far, I’m not there yet. I am still on the journey. I hope to discover the keys to unlock the mysteries hidden deep within myself as I flesh out the events of my past. I have high hopes of tearing down the invisible walls I have constructed as protection, hopes of opening up more to people who care about me. I pray that soon I will no longer live in fear of people hurting me or of being vulnerable. One day, God willing, I will cast off my shame-based nature and live to my full potential. And, just as I have submitted to God’s love, I hope someday to submit to a human’s love. I pray I will finally feel worthy of God’s numerous blessings in my life.

It was hard to fathom what I had done to deserve growing up the way I did. I was born into this mess innocently. Why couldn’t I have been born into a loving, functional, close-knit family? Why couldn’t I have close relationships with my family members? Why are some people born into privilege and some into poverty and want? Why has my life been such a struggle?

In my quest to find answers to these questions, I got way more than I bargained for. I learned some hard truths about myself but also found answers to a lot of questions. Though I do not have it all figured out, I am well on my way. Ten years is a very short period of time for learning lessons and finding out who you are. I can’t help but think about how much ridicule and punishment Jesus endured on this earth when He had done nothing to deserve it either. So who am I to complain about my life? My life is a thousand times easier than what Jesus had