The Apple Tree Wish: Made by a Fatherless Girl

By Maria Martinez

This memoir describes the emotional pain of growing up fatherless and reveals Gods amazing love at work to heal childhood hurts, even through circumstances of rejection.

When author Maria Martinez was just three years old, she heard the word illegitimate for the fi rst time. Though she was too young to understanding its meaning as it applied to her, she knew it made her feel different and ashamed.

In The Apple Tree Wish, Martinez discusses her lifes events being branded an illegitimate child. She also shows the healing and wholeness she received through Christs love and reconciliation with her father later in life.

A two-part presentation, the first half delivers a transcript of a talk Martinez gave for a womens group in 1992. In it, she narrates the events leading up to meeting her father in 1985, when she was forty-five years old. The second half contains a journal of the letters she wrote to and later shared with her father. In the journal she provides pertinent details of her life and shares her many emotions as she dealt with her unique situation.

The Apple Tree Wish shows the emotional scars created by being a fatherless child, but also communicates that Gods love has the power to heal the classic types of childhood hurts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Sep 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490894515

Book preview

Copyright © 2015 Maria Martinez.

www.theappletreewish.com

[e-mail]

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4908-9449-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-9450-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-9451-5 (e)

WestBow Press rev. date: 09/09/2015

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

Part One

The Label

Middle Child

Guilt

Rejection

A Sleepless Child

My Grieving Place

The Second Rejection

On My Own

My Conversion

California Doorstep

Inner Healing

My Mother’s Dream

Two Phone Calls

The Letter

The Mailbox

The Second Letter

Surprise in the Mailbox

The First Meeting

A Sweet Couple

A Square Rod In a Round Hole

The Good-bye

An Anxious Husband

The Third Rejection

One Harp String

God the Conductor

A Turning Point

Better Now

Night Wrestling

God In My Pantry

The Last Pantry Item

Next Step of Faith

The Backstory

The Confession

Part Two

Existence

Loneliness

A Greater Need

A Disappointment

Belonging

Cuddling

An Inner Controversy

What’s In a Name?

What Is Time?

A Daughter’s Dilemma

Precious Moments of God’s Timing

Just Because

A Different Kind of Love

Bullfrogs in My Pond

A Gunshot and a Cupid’s Arrow

The Hurt Shirt

Does Love Come in Half Sizes?

God Is Love

To my loving husband, Al Martinez

Acknowledgments

T o Dorene Walth, wife of Reverend Clarence Walth, who in 1985 encouraged me to start keeping a journal.

To my many friends and family members who encouraged me to publish my story and journal.

To Elizabeth Pam Dyer, an English teacher for forty-two years, for proofreading my manuscript.

Preface

I first heard the word illegitimate describing me when I was about three years old; this was when I also first heard the name of my father, Thomas Emmanuel. And that was the beginning of my longing for a father’s love. The lack of a biological father in my life affected me in so many ways. Not until many years later did I put pen to paper to describe my inner struggles.

From December 1985 through October 1986, I wrote a journal of intensely personal letters to my father. The letters touched many heart issues I had as an unwanted child, such as loneliness, rejection, abandonment, guilt, and low self-esteem, to name just a few. In writing the journal, I gained spiritual insight into what the love of a father means, especially to a daughter.

About seven years later, my sister-in-law, Joyce Rivera, suggested I tell my story about finding and meeting my father to other women at her church. So on February 8, 1992, I spoke to the women’s group at Bell Road Baptist Church of Auburn, California. My talk was recorded on cassette, the transcription of which is the foundation of this book and the earlier-written journal.

Over the past twenty-five years, many of my friends have listened to the audio recording and have read a copy of my journal. It still surprises me to learn (even from recent readers) how God spoke to them regarding the various emotional issues of which I wrote. God ministered to them through my journal, and they encouraged me to combine the audio recording and the journal into book form.

In the summer of 1985, when I was forty-five years old, I found my father, Thomas Emmanuel, and gave him the journal as a gift for his birthday on November 16, 1986. This gift had a profound effect on him because through it I was able to tell him about God’s love for him.

This book begins with the transcript of my talk. The end of the transcript may seem like a rosy finale of the events leading up to finding my father, but it is not the end of the story. The journal continues with the details of the forming of this new and fragile father-daughter relationship, and delves into and reveals the power God has to heal a full range of emotions.

As I was finishing the journal, God stunned and taught me a new dimension of faith and love, leaving me with one big unanswered question to this day. I truly believe Romans 11:33, O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and his ways past finding out!

I hope you will allow my God of love to work in your life also.

Maria Martinez

Irvine, California

June 2012

Part One

Bell Road Baptist Church Transcript

February 8, 1992

The Label

I grew up with an invisible label on me, one I wore like a nametag. I knew when people saw this label, by the way they looked at me. It was an examining stare, usually followed by whispers, She’s the one … or Her mother … The label meant I was different from everyone else in my small town in New Jersey where I was born in 1940. The stares and whispers shamed me about being different, and the more I learned about the label, the more painful it became. The label read, Illegitimate. I first heard this word describing me when I was about three years old.

Middle Child

M y mother was married to a man named Girard, and their firstborn was my older sister. Theirs was not a happy marriage, and I was conceived after my mother separated from him. My father was a widower who had a son about twelve years old. After I was born, he took off with his son to California. My mother then reconciled with Girard and later gave birth to my younger brother and sister.

I was the middle child and looked very different from my sisters and brother. I stood out like a sore thumb. People often asked, Who does she look like? That question always provoked a very painful memory of what took place when I was about three years old.

Late one night, I was awakened and heard my mother, Girard, and my maternal grandfather talking about me. It was then that I heard my father’s name, Thomas Emmanuel. They agreed to not tell me I was illegitimate or that Thomas was my father. Illegitimate was a really hard word for a three-year-old to understand. I thought it meant something was wrong inside of me. The only part of the word I did understand was the first syllable, ill, so I thought I had some sort of disease.

Back then, in 1940, it was scandalous to be pregnant and unmarried and even worse yet to be married and pregnant with another man’s child. Divorce was rare, as it was looked upon with scorn and shame. That night, my grandfather was attempting to reconcile my mother and Girard to save the family name and my mother from the stigma of divorce.

Guilt

M y relationship with my mother was not a good one. She suffered from long and frequent periods of depression, during which she would often say, You are the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I never had you. I should have died rather than have you. Those words always created a new wound in my soul. Even though I did not fully understand the reasons behind her statements, I knew I was the cause of her unhappiness, and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt enormously sad for her and carried a heavy burden of guilt. Had I known about suicide back then, I may have been tempted to consider it as a way out of my dilemma.

My stepfather, Girard, was not mean to me, but there was no father-daughter bonding. Often, he would relax in