Pissthisaway: A Love Story

By John Coffman

The story begins in 1790 with twenty-four Chinese railway workers and their families working on wooden rails in Germany. Follow them to the steel rails in Boston and then west to Ohio, where they become Indians; onto Indiana where, with the help of two white men, they develop one of the richest communities in southern Indiana by the mid 1800s. Find out how they influenced two modern American teenagers with special powers, even though the Indians had been dead for years. But most importantly, learn how the tribe and their lands came to be called Pissthisaway.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 13, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503565715

John Coffman

The author lives in Moorefield, West Virginia, with his wife, Xiomara, and his youngest daughter, Brigitte. He has been writing poetry most of his life. This is his first attempt at writing fiction.

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COPYRIGHT © 2015 BY JOHN COFFMAN.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CONTROL NUMBER:   2015906661

   ISBN:   HARDCOVER                                                   978-1-5035-6570-8

                  SOFTCOVER                                                   978-1-5035-6575-3

                  EBOOK                                                               978-1-5035-6571-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Rev. date: 04/28/2015

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FOREWORD

The story begins in 1790 with twenty-four Chinese railway workers and their families working on wooden rails in Germany. Follow them to the steel rails in Boston and then west to Ohio where they become Indians, onto Indiana where, with the help of two white men, they develop one of the richest communities in southern Indiana by the mid 1800’s. Find out how they influenced two modern American teenagers with special powers, even though the Indians had been dead for years. But most importantly learn how the tribe and their lands came to be called Pissthisaway.

My name is Juan Diego Smith and I have a story to tell about me, Consuela (the most beautiful girl in the world and love of my life) and my paternal twin Clemente. There are lots of others involved, but you will have to meet them as we go along. Before the story begins, there is a ton of background information to cover that covers approximately one hundred and fifty years before I was born. Without this, the story would not make sense and would be useless. You would read it and say ‘what is this idiot talking about?’ Many readers would have to be treated for anxiety or depression thinking everyone understood the story except them because nobody is going to admit they didn’t understand it. In order to prevent widespread trauma and the possible devaluation of the Kyat in Burma, I will give you everything you need to understand the story.

Since there is a lot of information to cover I will do my best to see that it is entertaining. I will also explain the origin of the name of our home town. You see, Consuela, Clemente and I have spent the first nineteen years of our lives in a small Indiana town called Pissthisaway. "Pissthisaway?"

Pissthisaway.

The story begins in Germany around 1790 when twenty-four Chinamen and their families were working on the European railroads. They had migrated because the pay they received was substantially higher than what they earned in the rice paddies. In 1803, they heard that an American named Homfray was funding the design and construction of the first steam-powered locomotive in a place called Boston. Knowing this invention would lead to more railways and they would be paid in American dollars, the Chinamen decided to take their families and go to America. It was widely known at the time that the dollar was coveted by many countries and one dollar could buy enough rice to last a family over a month and still have enough for several cases of Moon Pies.

They secured cheap tickets from Bonn to New York City from some guy named Kirk and set sail for America in February, 1804. Once there, it only took a few days to find jobs because railroads were in dire need of experienced workers. The Chinamen were transported from New York to Boston where the wooden rails were being replaced with steel. They were placed in a camp with the rest of the laborers and were given one tent per family. After eight months they had made more money than in the two years spent in Germany, but were treated badly. In Germany, all workers were given bratwurst and beer for lunch. In Boston, the white workers were given a decent lunch while the Chinamen were given little square things called sliders. On top of that, most of the other workers disliked the Chinese and went out of their way to make them miserable. Someone even found a way to short sheet a blanket lying on the tent floor. By 1806, the head of the group decided to go west when he heard that the rail workers in California were mostly Chinese and life in the work camps was laid back and friendly. The rest of the group decided to follow. There were twenty-four families trying to make it to California over unknown land and no map or GPS; bless their hearts.

The trek was slow. The group would travel from sunup to sundown and, because white men were encountered from time to time, they would camp at night in hidden places. On one such night in February 1807, the group stopped to camp in a forest somewhere in Ohio. All were sleeping soundly until a group from a Shawnee hunting party came across the camp and, thinking they were white men, took them prisoner. After an hour’s march the braves and their prisoners arrived at the Shawnee village. The group was held in the middle of the village while a brave went to tell Chief Eluwilussit about the capture.

Eluwilussit was Algonquin for Holy Man. He thought the name was pretentious. When he was young a group of white men and women stopped him in the forest outside the village. As two of them held his arms another one asked, Okay Injun Kid, how do we get to Indiana

I have heard of the Land Of Indians, but not Indiana. It is at least two moons from here because the Indian paths are rarely used and have grown over. You are better off taking the path south to the Great River Ohiyó. With your fine horses and wagons, you should reach the river in three weeks. Follow the river west for 3 days and you will be in Indiana

Thanks for the info Bud, if you are right, it will cut days off our journey

Eluwilussit was curious, "What did you just call me?

I called you Bud. It means helpful and wise Actually, the White Man had no clue what Bud meant, he was just trying to be friendly.

Eluwilussit returned to the village and from that moment on his name was Bud.

The chief feared that one day his lands would be taken away by the white man, so he captured any white men found there and persuaded them to go elsewhere. He rarely had to kill to persuade. Bud learned they would decide to leave on their own after subjecting prisoners to three days of constant Michael Bolton songs and making them stare at life-size posters of ‘Lil Wayne. He was prepared to break out the CD’s and torture the intruders. As he approached the Chinamen, he realized they were neither white men nor Indians. He summoned Drago Man, the tribe witch doctor. Drago Man had spent a lot of time with previous captives and learned to speak the tongue of the white man. The Chinamen had learned some English while working in Boston and communicating with Drago Man was not a problem.

Who is the leader of your tribe? the chief asked.

It is I, Wonton.

I am Chief Euwilt, uh Eluwhatsit, er Eluwasted, oh the hell with it, I am Chief Bud. Why are you on my land and why you no look like white men?

We are just passing through on our way to a place called California. We are from a country far, far away. We do not intend to stay on your land.

What work do you do Wonton? Chief Bud asked.

In our country we were carpenters, men who build things. In this country, we work on railroads.

What did you build in your country?

Houses mostly. Maybe a strip mall now and then

You build houses? You must have been sent to us by the Great Spirit. Other tribes have these buildings know as Great Houses but we know nothing about building. You were sent here to do this for us.

Actually, we weren’t sent here. We are just passing through and need to continue our journey, but thanks for asking.

We need you and I do believe you were sent by the Great Spirit. We will make you honorary Shawnees; give you a place to sleep with plenty of food. We will also teach you the ways of the Indians and give you a nice merit badge when the work is done. If you refuse to stay we can always perform the perfunctory scalping of the men and have our way with your women.

We really need to get to California. I can’t speak for the women, but I doubt any of the men would go for being scalped. If we stay, can we wear a feather on our heads?

Sure Wonton, we will give you beautiful feathers if you act now.

Beautiful feathers? Okay, we’re in. We will need building supplies. We still have about $200 from our work in Boston. That should easily cover your buildings. How many houses?

Four should be enough to house the tribe and have room for you. Where do we get supplies?

I will send a few men with my draftsman Hung Lo to a white man town. Got any wagons?

Each time we capture anyone on our land, we always keep one of their wagons. We have plenty.

Okay, we will go for supplies tomorrow. What’s for breakfast?

The interpreter, Drago Man interjected, Chief, this is a crazy idea! We don’t even know these people! They could be thieves and murderers for all we know. Many of the Shawnee braves nodded in agreement.

Bud replied, You got a lot of balls to question your chief! I know how much you enjoy the squaws at night. If you go against me, you’ll have no balls!

Okay. I meant to say that your choice to use these people shows you are wise beyond your years. That’s why you are a great leader.

That’s what I thought you meant, Bud said, and you my friend are a suck up beyond your years.

Thank you, oh mighty Chief.

After that, all the braves were enthusiastic about the plan and showed full support, telling Chief Bud how awesome and astute his plans were. This was either due to them seeing the merit of the plans, or not wanting to lose their nuts if they disagreed. My guess is it was the latter that persuaded them.

With everyone on board, Bud, Wonton and the draftsman Hung Lo sat down to decide on a rough plan for the houses. The following day Hung Lo, five Chinamen and five braves set out with seven wagons to search for materials. Two days later they returned with all the wagons full. When all were settled in, Bud and Wonton summoned Hung Lo.

You did well Hung Lo. Did you have to go far? asked Wonton.

Hung Lo replied, No. We found a town eleven hours south of here. There, we found a huge store called Home Depot. They had everything we needed. The store also gave me 40% discount for being Chinese.

One of the braves that accompanied Hung Lo called down from his wagon. They gave you the discount because you paid in American dollars instead of Wampum. They said they had a whole warehouse full of Wampum and the market was down.

That too. Hung Lo said. But there was a Chinese factor taken into consideration. The manager said he had a special deal for Chinamen carrying American dollars; 50% off a warehouse full of Wampum and we could leave it in their warehouse until we needed it.

What did you do? Wonton asked. And what is Wampum?

Drago Man interpreted so both Wonton and Chief Bud would understand. He bought the warehouse full of Wampum.

How do you know what I did? Hung Lo demanded.

I’m psychic. Plus there’s that key chain around your neck that says Home Depot warehouse number three.

But Drago Man, what is Wampum? Wonton asked.

It’s a mixture the dung from various animals. It is used to feed the soil when corn is planted. In other words, your man here just bought a warehouse full of shit.

You served the tribe well Hung Lo. You will be a great warrior when you learn the Shawnee way. Bud said. Even greater if you can sell a warehouse full of shit.

Wonton agreed, You have brought honor to our families. I agree with Bud. You will make a great warrior!

I am pleased that you say I bring honor, but I’ll have to think about this warrior thing.

As time went by, the Indians and Chinese formed a special bond. They taught the Indians to speak Chinese and the Indians taught the Chinese how to speak Algonquian, the language spoken by the Shawnee. They worked and lived together in harmony which wasn’t even fazed when Drago Man was caught having sex with Hung Lo’s wife, Moon Tang. No one was upset with the incident except Hung Lo, who wanted to kill Drago Man. Bud and Wonton had to intervene:

Drago Man, said Bud, you have dishonored our tribe and this issue must be dealt with severely.

Wonton added, I agree with Bud. Moon Tang you have also dishonored our people.

Drago Man wasn’t fazed, Do what you must, but I love Moon Tang and I think she loves me. We want to spend our lives together!

But she is my wife! shouted Hung Lo, In our culture this is unacceptable. Besides, I love her too.

Moon Tang, what do you to say about the situation? asked Wonton.

I’m confused and not sure what should be done. I love Drago Man but I also want to follow the ways of our people. Bud asked Drago Man’s wife, Squatting Dog how she felt.

Do whatever you have to do Chief, my husband is not the greatest and he farts in Teepee all night. I can’t take that, but maybe someone like Moon Tang can. I know her people eat a lot of spicy cabbage and I doubt Drago Man would offend her.

Then we are at an impasse said Wonton, Drago Man loves Moon Tang, Hung Lo loves Moon Tang, Moon Tang is confused. And Squatting dog doesn’t give a shit.

Chief Bud addressed the crowd, Wonton is right and this will not be solved by words. Since both men want Moon Tang equally and will never agree on a solution, I propose we cut Moon Tang in half and give Hung Lo and Drago Man equal parts.

But that’s been done before! someone from the crowd shouted. Come up with something original!

My bad, said Bud "I must come up with a different plan. Here’s the deal, the two of you will swap wives forever. Anyone in disagreement will be expelled from the tribe.

Sounds fair to me, said Drago man.

Me too replied Hung Lo, I’ve always thought Squatting Dog was hot!

Then it is settled said Bud as Wonton nodded in agreement, "From now on, Moon Tang, Drago Man will be your husband. And you, Squatting Dog will live with Hung Lo.

"Does he fart?’

With that, harmony was restored to the village. The Chinese continued constructions on the Longhouses while the Indians taught them how to hunt, fish, grow corn and speak the language of the Shawnee. After months, the Chinese became very good at all these things and, except for their appearance, could pass for real Indians. The wife swap had worked out so well that Drago Man and Hung Lo became inseparable friends and there was no more fighting, except now and then when Squatting Dog would chase Hung Lo out of the teepee with a tomahawk.

Get your smelly ass out of here until that fart clears from the teepee and from now on, fart outside. If you weren’t really hung low, I would scalp your ass!

Hung Lo would sneak back in after she was sound asleep and fart on her head. She would groan, but never wake up. The men of the village looked forward to these incidents because they thought they were hilarious. The women enjoyed them because most of the time Hung Lo would run out of the teepee naked. The children didn’t understand what was going on but decided it wasn’t a good idea to fart around Squatting Dog.

In the spring of 1814, the long houses were finally finished. They would have been finished much earlier had it not been for hunting trips and raids against local towns. Against strong protest from Chief Bud, Wonton decided to pick up where they left off and head west to the railroad

I do not want you to go Wonton, we have become brothers and you have become a great warrior, much better than the braves of the tribe.

"Yes, you are my brother Bud and I thought long and hard before I made my decision. We must follow the will of the Great Spirit and return to our people just as you must follow his will and remain here. Besides, the Chinese in California bring rice by boat from our homeland. Rice is powerful medicine to my people, especially when fried with dog meat.

You are right my brother. The Great Spirit sent you to build the Long Houses and you have completed them. Before you go, we will get down with some fire water and a great feast to honor your people. I will send a hunting party for deer, another for turkey and a fishing party to catch the largest fish in the big river. I have also sent three braves with a wagon to the White Man’s city four days away. There they will steal much fire water and hunt the magic mushroom on the way back. It will be the greatest feast ever!

The hunting and fishing parties were successful and brought back more than enough meat and fish to feed everyone. When the men returned with the firewater, they had five big kegs and were drunk as skunks.

We only needed enough for one party Bud said, "One Keg would do. I guess we’ll save the rest for medicinal purposes. What about the magic mushrooms?

We only found about a hundred. One of the kegs got a hole in it and we had to try to catch it with our mouths. After that, we couldn’t see the ground, much less magic mushrooms. A brave said as he fell off the wagon and landed on his face.

Bud was satisfied with the number of mushrooms. He would give them only to the men and he knew some of them never ate the mushrooms. Wonton was impressed at how smoothly Buds plan went off and thought the feast would go just as smooth tomorrow. He woke up early the next morning and surveyed the feast area. The women were busy roasting venison and turkey while grilling the fish on hot rocks. The men were using make-shift straws trying to empty the contents of one of kegs of fire water. Little Feet sucked the straw for what seemed like five minutes and then fell backwards off the wagon.

I can see the Great Spirit and he’s wearing the clothes of a squaw! Little Feet proclaimed.

Dancing Bear took the straw. Little Feet, you’ve had too much to drink. You need to find a way to sober up before the feast or you’ll see Chief Bud’s moccasin up your ass. He told us to stay sober enough for the fire dance and you’re our only tom-tom player

I beg to differ! I am his back-up Big Teeth protested.

So they say Big Teeth, but you have not learned enough to play at an important feast. But since you are Little Feet’s back up, you can take him and sober him up before the moon is up and the feast begins. By then, Little Feet had passed out cold.

Big Teeth was tired of always being constantly ridiculed by the other braves. He was teased and bullied as long as he could remember and planned on showing them how wrong they were. For tonight, he would play the tom-tom.

He carried Little Feet to the river and started pouring water on his head. This was merely a charade in case anyone was watching. After a few minutes of pretending to revive Little Feet, Big Teeth picked up a large stone and hit him in the head several times until he knew Little Feet was dead. Then he threw him into the river and the swift currents carried him downstream, far from the village. After