Offbeat: With Oxnard’S Finest

By Kenton V. Smith and Micheal T. Hurley

Cops everywhere have their stories.

The retired police officers of the Oxnard Police Department are no exception.

Like the stories told by officers anywhere, Oxnard PD's stories, too, seem to grow each time they are retold until few can offer an iron-clad guarantee that they are today the way the stories actually unfolded then. Some officers, however, offer an iron-clad guarantee that these stories reflect their current memory.

Offbeat is a collection of their stories. In another sense, they represent the stories of all police departments everywhere for it is these stories that provide the perspective necessary for sanity in, at times, an insane world.

Offbeat is the humor behind the badge.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 30, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491741528

Kenton V. Smith

Micheal T. Hurley, a retired Supervisory Special Agent for the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), served as a full-time law enforcement officer for over thirty-two years, six and a half with the Oxnard, California Police Department as a patrol officer and detective. While with DEA his foreign assignments were in outposts such as Ankara, Turkey, and Kabul, Afghanistan. Along with his wife Carol, Hurley served six years in Cyprus with area responsibility for Lebanon, Syria, Jordan, and Israel as well. His domestic assignments included Los Angeles, Washington DC, Little Rock, New York, and Seattle. His association with law enforcement organizations now spans more than 50 years. His current law enforcement affiliations include, being a life member of the International Association of Chiefs of Police, the board chairman for the Law Enforcement Association of Southwest Washington, the 2nd vice president of the International Police Association’s Region 24, a member of The International Narcotics Officers Association, a member of the Federal Law Enforcement Officers Association, the Association of Former Federal Narcotics Agents, and a charter member of the Oxnard Police Alumni Association commonly known as The Fuzz That Wuzz. Kenton Smith has spent most of his adult life teaching English at a small high school near Mt Rainier in Washington State. Smith, semi-retired, chooses to teach today at Centralia College East, a small satellite college also near Mt. Rainier. Smith was the co-author with Micheal Hurley of I Solemnly Swear: Conmen, DEA, the Media and Pan AM 103 and has since authored The Pipsqueak Kid, with Micheal and his brother Jerry Hurley’s assistance. Kent has received three Teachers of the Year Awards --- one from students, one from his fellow teachers, and one from the community which he serves --- and he treasures them as some of his highest achievements, although it is as a writer that Kent feels most comfortable. He has written several plays, one non-fiction work about the actual teaching of writing, and numerous short stories. At the college level Kent usually teaches English 101, English Fundamentals, American Drama, Film, or Creative Writing.

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Copyright © 2014 Micheal T. Hurley.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4917-4151-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-4153-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-4152-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014913004

iUniverse rev. date: 07/29/2014

CONTENTS

Dedication

A Police Officer’s Prayer

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1. The Coupe De Ville

Chapter 2. Hanna Banna Stanson

Chapter 3. Lie Detection

Chapter 4. Lieutenant Charlie Powell’s Buick

Chapter 5. Body Surfing

Chapter 6. Ortiz Pool Hall

Chapter 7. Chemical Mace, The New Police Weapon

Chapter 8. Bombastic: The Real Meaning

Chapter 9. Freeze, Asshole!

Chapter 10. The Lawrence Welk Show

Chapter 11. Plaza Park

Chapter 12. The Graveyard Shift

Chapter 13. Hand Held Radios—No Seat Belts

Chapter 14. 11:45 Or Midnight?

Chapter 15. The Weasel As A Traffic Cop

Chapter 16. The Peep Squad

Chapter 17. Three-Wheel Harleys

Chapter 18. The Master Baiter

Chapter 19. Round One

Chapter 20. Pretty Woman Walking Down The Street

Chapter 21. Spencer Tiger Heath

Chapter 22. The Cat And The Weasel

Chapter 23. Children Fighting Over The Swings

Chapter 24. Bell’s Revenge

Chapter 25. Day Shift With The New Sergeant

Chapter 26. Frank Mabry

Chapter 27. Doris Edwards And The Cigarette Lighter Caper

Chapter 28. Mace: Pissed Off

Chapter 29. Hot Off The Grill With Ray Cabrallo

Chapter 30. Last Man Walking

Chapter 31. Jesus Christ

Chapter 32. Stolen Vehicle Mania

Chapter 33. The Rookie

Chapter 34. 10851 Bne Vehicle

Chapter 35. The Cadillac Kid

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Another Policeman’s Story

About The Authors

A Non-Fiction Book By Micheal T. Hurley, Published By Iuniverse 2004

Book cover design by Bonnie Slagle, Bonnie’s Custom Photography and Faye Johnson

Front cover photo courtesy of Robert A. Kelley

Standing left to right Officers Frank Paramo, Larry Lawrence, and Robert Kelley

Seated left to right Officers Tom Arnold, Dewight Holmbolm, Steve Peacock, and Curtis Lloyd

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all of those, living or dead, who serve or have served in the law enforcement profession.

A POLICE OFFICER’S PRAYER

Lord, I ask for courage;

Courage to face and conquer my own fears…

Courage to take me where others will not go.

I ask for strength;

Strength of body to protect others…

Strength of spirit to lead others.

I ask for dedication;

Dedication to my job, to do it well…

Dedication to my community to keep it safe.

Give me, Lord, concern

For all those who trust me…

And compassion for those who need me.

And, please, Lord, through it all;

Be at my side.

—Author Unknown

PREFACE

Although there could be a pearl of truth in these stories they should not be misconstrued as being truthful or factual. They simply represent an era of police humor and anecdotes with the author’s attempt to recapture that time in history with some sense of authenticity. Nothing in the book is meant to be hurtful, offensive, or derogatory to any individual or group.

Although the names are the actual names of real people who served on the Oxnard Police Department at one time or another, there is not necessarily any connection between those names and the names used in these stories. The names were picked at random to memorialize their honorable service.

This series of stories, loosely based on the Offbeat shenanigans of members of the Oxnard Police Department, is, however, embellished to add color. Neither the stories nor the embellishments are meant to embarrass. All of these stories represent a different era, at a time, when PC meant probable cause and not political correctness. It was a time of unity, not diversity. We were all simply Americans who enjoyed the banter and ethnic jokes; nobody was offended by these fun-loving exchanges. They were all in jest. We instinctively knew that when the chips were down, we would come together as one.

We were all Americans which meant more to us than life itself.

Enjoy your ride-along.

Micheal T. Hurley

Patrol Badge #29

Detective Badge #2

Oxnard PD – 02/1962 -09/1968

INTRODUCTION

Being a law enforcement officer in the 1960s was a huge challenge, just as it is today.

It was the decade of rock and roll, hippies, and LSD.

To become one of Oxnard’s Finest, I had to undergo a battery of tests that would make a sane man wince. First, I took the written test, followed by the oral. Question followed question to ensure I wouldn’t embarrass the department and to ensure I possessed common sense. What would I do if a bad guy spit in my face?

I could have replied, "I’d go ballistic and blow the spitter into never-never land." That would not be the answer the oral board, made up of two captains and the city manager, sought. I could have replied, "I might just beat the holy crap out of the guy." Nope. Not good. So I gave them the best answer I could think of.

I would take him to jail.

But what if he fought you? Captain Ed Patton asked.

I would call in my fellow officers and we would take him to jail.

The smiles told me I had given the correct answer.

After passing the oral board, I underwent a physical, and after a lot of poking and pricking, I performed a run and a chin-up or two. Then I was set to jump into the ring with the worst of the bad. I was sworn in and assigned to Field Training Officer Chris Mathieson who would dispel all the stale theories I’d learn while in the police academy. This was the real world——the jungle, the briar patch, where all of the most god-awful things one could imagine happened. Not even science fiction could conjure up the cruelty of man on man nor man to himself.

Had we all volunteered to do this? Were we plain fools? My God, how could it be that we swore to uphold the law when it seemed the odds were so against us? If we were to stand between the monsters of society and the law-abiding citizens, we needed a lifeline once in a while. But, search as we might, the only lifeline available to us were our fellow officers. Our spouses, for the most part, lived in a sane world and soon viewed our world as an insanity with which they could no longer deal. That partially explained why the divorce and suicide rates for cops were so much greater than among the rest of the population.

What, then, does a police officer do to keep his sanity in an insane, upside-down world? He defies his emotions and delves into the world of black humor. It is no different than the medical profession, which deals with death and misery as all in a day’s work. After cleaning up a traffic fatality or a murder scene, it is tough to go home and join the wife and kids in a game of Scrabble®. Worse yet is to see a child whose life was snuffed out by some monster who decided it was okay. In order to survive mentally, the police officer sometimes seeks comfort with his fellow officers as they chuckle together somewhere between the monster and civilized man.

So, dear reader, if you’ve never worked in law enforcement, please do not think too unkindly of us who did. We share these few short stories as an inside look into our world, the one between you and the hell on earth in which we lived. This series, which reflects a time in our lives that we are all proud of, represents only a fraction of the time we spent looking out for you as we stood up to those wild-eyed monsters. We stepped up. Now we step up again to share with you some of the anecdotes that served as antidotes to help us keep our sanity while we were standing guard so you could sleep nights. Please look at them in a friendly light. None are intended to be malicious.

Micheal T. Hurley,

Supervisory Special Agent (DEA Retired)

Former member of Oxnard’s Finest from February 1962 to September 1968

Chapter One

THE COUPE DE VILLE

A new Cadillac Coupe de Ville’s base price was $5,386. Add $134 for leather upholstery, $188 for bucket seats, $165 for a radio with rear-seat speakers and fifty-seven dollars for whitewall tires; clearly a new one, with the minimum options, was well out of reach for the average policeman. Maybe even for John McCurley who wasn’t the average policeman.

It wasn’t a woman. It wasn’t booze. Not cigarettes, not even a place of his own, nor guns, nor any of the other things a young man of his age would chase.

Those things were not for Officer John McCurley, the only single officer on the Oxnard PD.

John McCurley’s only wish was for a Cadillac Coupe de Ville. That was the focus of this young officer, the hurdle he had to overcome before he could move on to the next phase in his life.

His salary as a patrolman was $438 a month. There was no overtime pay for police officers back then. That was in the early ’60s. Not bad for single guy, living at home, who wasn’t a boozer or a womanizer. He was a contented and very likeable, straight-arrow kind of guy. His big heart and good looks, especially in a police uniform, could have landed him any of the babes that hung around waiting for guys just like him to break from the crowd of eligibles. The women back then were not as forward as they are today. It was the guy who had to initiate the conversation.

John just wasn’t that way. Women were not on his radar yet. He wasn’t the other way either. He just had a goal in mind and trudged after it. A woman would only be in his way and drain his pocketbook. He would someday own a Coupe de Ville. Period. He was determined. The women could come later.

Since John was not married and his monthly living expenses were not excessive, he was able to save a good portion of his paycheck for his Dream Cadillac. It would be a long haul, but passion, persistence, and patience were in his favor.

Since John was also a prankster — having had the privilege of hanging with Officers Robert Kelley and Dick The Weasel Staniland during their days at Oxnard High School— his lust for the Coupe de Ville was always the brunt of the practical jokers during the Oxnard Police Department’s roll call and other places where police officers gathered.

A real sense of camaraderie among the officers transcended any perceived notions of jealousy or one-upmanship. All were pulling for John and knew that once he managed to get his Coupe de Ville, he would go out and find the love of his life and live happily ever after. Not that he wasn’t happy-ever-after even without the love of his life. It seemed the spirit of the chase to fund his Coupe de Ville was the catalyst that fueled his life’s pursuit at the time. The Coupe de Ville ignited everything that was to follow.

Like all brothers in blue everyone pulled for the others. All of his brothers gave John encouragement to continue his saving plan and to buy his Coupe de Ville. They even punched a hole in the top of an empty fruit jar and placed it in the coffee room marked for donations to the Cadillac Fund. There were never more than a few pennies in the jar but it was always loaded with paper money, the Monopoly® kind.

The question was always, What will happen to John after the Coupe de Ville is parked in his driveway? And would it be a new one or a good used one. John was always searching for a clean used one more in line with his finances.

There surely would be other passions John would have.

Would his brothers in blue be able to help? Maybe, but life would not be good for John until he had his Coupe de Ville.

Meanwhile, other issues faced his brothers such as trying to persuade the good sergeant a Hanna Banna Stanson really was walking among them.

Chapter Two

HANNA BANNA STANSON

It was roll call in preparation for the midnight-to-eight shift. The blue suits of