Heaven Under Construction

By Jennifer Engel

Jennifer knew her right breast was a little off. She didnt think much about it. She thought she was one of the lucky ones who still had perky boobs at the age of thirty-nine. Not due to have a mammogram for another year, her husband told her to ask for one once her nipple started to turn inward. When the results came back positive she turned to journaling about her experience to try to understand what she was going to be going through physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Her raw, bare-bones, power-packed poetry tackled difficult issues such as facing mortality, dealing with loss, low self-esteem, gender identification and sexuality, fear, anger, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

She decided to post her experience online as a way to keep friends and family members up to date on treatment. As a result, people came to her and confessed how her words had a powerful impact upon them either as a cancer patient, caregiver, a social-media follower, or as a family member or friend.

In the end, Jennifer realized that she could reconstruct her own heaven using the life she was already given and that she could teach others how to do the same.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Sep 7, 2017
• ISBN: 9781504385657

Jennifer Engel

“Check your breasts for lumps,” is what Jennifer knew about how to check for cancer. She wasn’t aware that there were signs other than that, so when she was told at the age of 39 that she had breast cancer, she was in shock. How was she going to tell her family, especially her two young sons? And what about her students, would she be able to work during this time? What was life going to be like with Cancer, and for how long would she have to live with the treatments? These are questions she answered for herself, and others, as she documented her experience day by day in her own metaphorical, poetic-prose way so that she could understand cancer, not just on a physical level, but on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level as well. With this book, Jennifer offers women facing breast cancer selections from her personal cancer diary filled with the answers to these questions. More importantly, Jennifer offers strategies for anyone to discover their own answers and construct their best self.

Book preview

Copyright © 2017 Jennifer Engel.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scriptures marked ASV are taken

from the American Standard Version (ASV):

American Standard Version, public domain.

Balboa Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5043-8564-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-8566-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-8565-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017913538

Balboa Press rev. date: 08/26/2017

Contents

Introduction

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

Day Four

Day Five

Day Six

Day Seven

Day Eight

Day Nine

Day Ten

Day Eleven

Day Twelve

Day Thirteen

Day Fourteen

Day Fifteen

Day Sixteen

Day Seventeen

Day Eighteen

Day Nineteen

Day Twenty

Day Twenty-One

Day Twenty-Two

Day Twenty-Three

Day Twenty-Four

Day Twenty-Five

Day Twenty-Six

Day Twenty-Seven

Day Twenty-Eight

Day Twenty-Nine

Day Thirty

Day Thirty-One

Day Thirty-Two

Day Thirty-Three

Day Thirty-Four

Day Thirty-Five

Day Thirty-Six

Day Thirty-Seven

Day Thirty-Eight

Day Thirty-Nine

Day Forty

Day Forty-One

Day Forty-Two

Day Forty-Three

Day Forty-Four

Day Forty-Five

Day Forty-Six

Day Forty-Seven

Day Forty-Eight

Day Forty-Nine

Day Fifty

Day Fifty-One

Day Fifty-Two

Day Fifty-Three

Day Fifty-Four

Day Fifty-Five

Day Fifty-Six

Day Fifty-Seven

Day Fifty-Eight

Day Fifty-Nine

Day Sixty

Day Sixty-One

Day Sixty-Two

Day Sixty-Three

Day Sixty-Four

Day Sixty-Five

Day Sixty-Six

Day Sixty-Seven

Day Sixty-Eight

Day Sixty-Nine

Day Seventy

Day Seventy-One

Day Seventy-Two

Day Seventy-Three

Day Seventy-Four

Day Seventy-Five

Day Seventy-Six

Day Seventy-Seven

Day Seventy-Eight

Day Seventy-Nine

Day Eighty

Day Eight-One

Day Eighty-Two

Day Eighty-Three

Day Eighty-Four

Day Eighty-Five

Day Eighty-Six

Day Eighty-Seven

Day Eighty-Eight

Day Eighty-Nine

Day Ninety

Day Ninety-One

Day Ninety-Two

Day Ninety-Three

Day Ninety-Four

Day Ninety-Five

Day Ninety-Six

Day Ninety-Seven

Day Ninety-Eight

Day Ninety-Nine

Day One Hundred

Day One Hundred One

Day One Hundred Two

Day One Hundred Three

Day One Hundred Four

Day One Hundred Five

Day One Hundred Six

Day One Hundred Seven

Day One Hundred Eight

Day One Hundred Nine

Day One Hundred Ten

Day One Hundred Eleven

Day One Hundred Twelve

Day One Hundred Thirteen

Day One Hundred Fourteen

Day One Hundred Fifteen

One Hundred Sixteen

Day One Hundred Seventeen

Day One Hundred Eighteen

Day One Hundred Nineteen

Day One Hundred Twenty

Day One Hundred Twenty-One

Day One Hundred Twenty-Two

Day One Hundred Twenty-Three

Day One Hundred Twenty-Four

Day One Hundred Twenty-Five

Day One Hundred Twenty-Six

Day One Hundred Twenty-Seven

Day One Hundred Twenty-Eight

Day One Hundred Twenty-Nine

Day One Hundred Thirty

Day One Hundred Thirty-One

Day One Hundred Thirty-Two

Day One Hundred Thirty-Three

Day One Hundred Thirty-Four

Day One Hundred Thirty-Five

One Hundred Thirty-Six

Day One Hundred Thirty-Seven

Day One Hundred Thirty-Eight

Day One Hundred Thirty-Nine

Day One Hundred Forty

Day One Hundred Forty-One

Day One Hundred Forty-Two

Day One Hundred Forty-Three

Day One Hundred Forty-Four

Day One Hundred Forty-Five

Day One Hundred Forty-Six

Day One Hundred Forty-Seven

Day One Hundred Forty-Eight

Day One Hundred Forty-Nine

Day One Hundred Fifty

Day One Hundred Fifty-One

Day One Hundred Fifty-Two

Day One Hundred Fifty-Three

Day One Hundred Fifty-Four

Day One Hundred Fifty-Five

Day One Hundred Fifty-Six

Day One Hundred Fifty-Seven

Day One Hundred Fifty-Eight

Day One Hundred Fifty-Nine

Day One Hundred Sixty

Day One Hundred Sixty-One

Day One Hundred Sixty-Two

Day One Hundred Sixty-Three

Day One Hundred Sixty-Four

Day One Hundred Sixty-Five

Day One Hundred Sixty-Six

Day One Hundred Sixty-Seven

Day One Hundred Sixty-Eight

Day One Hundred Sixty-Nine

Day One Hundred Seventy

Day One Hundred Seventy-One

Day One Hundred Seventy-Two

Day One Hundred Seventy-Three

Day One Hundred Seventy-Four

Day One Hundred Seventy-Five

Day One Hundred Seventy-Six

Day One Hundred Seventy-Seven

Day One Hundred Seventy-Eight

Day One Hundred Seventy-Nine

Day One Hundred Eighty

Day One Hundred Eighty-One

Day One Hundred Eighty-Two

One Hundred Eighty-Three

Day One Hundred Eighty-Four

Day One Hundred Eighty-Five

Day One Hundred Eighty-Six

Day One Hundred Eighty-Seven

Day One Hundred Eighty-Eight

Day One Hundred Eighty-Nine

Day One Hundred Ninety

Day One Hundred Ninety-One

Day One Hundred Ninety-Two

Day One Hundred Ninety-Three

Day One Hundred Ninety-Four

Day One Hundred Ninety-Five

Day One Hundred Ninety-Six

Day One Hundred Ninety-Seven

Day One Hundred Ninety-Eight

Day One Hundred Ninety-Nine

Day Two Hundred

Day Two Hundred One

Day Two Hundred Two

Day Two Hundred Three

Day Two Hundred Four

Day Two Hundred Five

Day Two Hundred Six

Two Hundred Seven

Day Two Hundred Eight

Day Two Hundred Nine

Day Two Hundred Ten

Day Two Hundred Eleven

Day Two Hundred Twelve

Day Two Hundred Thirteen

Day Two Hundred Fourteen

Day Two Hundred Fifteen

Day Two Hundred Sixteen

Day Two Hundred Seventeen

Day Two Hundred Eighteen

Day Two Hundred Nineteen

Day Two Hundred Twenty

Day Two Hundred Twenty-One

Day Two Hundred Twenty-Two

Day Two Hundred Twenty-Three

Day Two Hundred Twenty-Four

Day Two Hundred Twenty-Five

Day Two Hundred Twenty-Six

Day Two Hundred Twenty-Seven

Two Hundred Twenty-Eight

Day Two Hundred Twenty-Nine

Day Two Hundred Thirty

Day Two Hundred Thirty-One

Day Two Hundred Thirty-Two

Day Two Hundred Thirty-Three

Day Two Hundred Thirty-Four

Day Two Hundred Thirty-Five

Day Two Hundred Thirty-Six

Two Hundred Thirty-Seven

Day Two Thirty-Eight

Day Two Hundred Thirty-Nine

Day Two Hundred Forty

Day Two Hundred Forty-One

Day Two Hundred Forty-Two

Day Two Hundred Forty-Three

Day Two Hundred Forty-Four

Day Two Hundred Forty-Five

Day Two Hundred Forty-Six

Day Two Hundred Forty-Seven

Day Two Hundred Forty-Eight

Day Two Hundred Forty-Nine

Day Two Hundred Fifty

Day Two Hundred Fifty-One

Day Two Hundred Fifty-Two

Day Two Hundred Fifty-Three

Day Two Hundred Fifty-Four

Day Two Hundred Fifty-Five

Day Two Hundred Fifty-Six

Day Two Hundred Fifty-Seven

Day Two Fifty-Eight

Day Two Hundred Fifty-Nine

Day Two Hundred Sixty

Day Two Hundred Sixty-One

Day Two Hundred Sixty-Two

Day Two Hundred Sixty-Three

Day Two Hundred Sixty-Four

Day Two Hundred Sixty-Five

Day Two Hundred Sixty-Six

Day Two Hundred Sixty-Seven

Day Two Hundred Sixty-Eight

Day Two Hundred Sixty-Nine

Day Two Hundred Seventy

Day Two Hundred Seventy-One

Day Two Hundred Seventy-Two

Day Two Hundred Seventy-Three

Day Two Hundred Seventy-Four

Day Two Hundred Seventy-Five

Day Two Hundred Seventy-Six

Day Two Hundred Seventy-Seven

Day Two Hundred Seventy-Eight

Day Two Hundred Seventy-Nine

Day Two Hundred Eighty

Day Two Hundred Eighty-One

Day Two Hundred Eighty-Two

Day Two Hundred Eighty-Three

Day Two Hundred Eighty-Four

Day Two Hundred Eighty-Five

Two Hundred Eighty-Six

Day Two Hundred Eighty-Seven

Day Two Hundred Eighty-Eight

Day Two Hundred Eighty-Nine

Day Two Hundred Ninety

Day Two Hundred Ninety-One

Day Two Hundred Ninety-Two

Day Two Hundred Ninety-Three

Day Two Hundred Ninety-Four

Day Two Hundred Ninety-Five

Day Two Hundred Ninety-Six

Day Two Hundred Ninety-Seven

Day Two Ninety-Eight

Day Two Hundred Ninety-Nine

Day Three Hundred

Day Three Hundred One

Day Three Hundred Two

Day Three Hundred Three

Day Three Hundred Four

Day Three Hundred Five

Day Three Hundred Six

Day Three Hundred Seven

Day Three Hundred Eight

Day Three Hundred Nine

Day Three Hundred Ten

Day Three Hundred Eleven

Day Three Hundred Twelve

Day Three Hundred Thirteen

Day Three Hundred Fourteen

Day Three Hundred Fifteen

Day Three Hundred Sixteen

Day Three Hundred Seventeen

Day Two Hundred Eighteen

Day Three Hundred Nineteen

Day Three Hundred Twenty

Day Three Hundred Twenty-One

Day Three Hundred Twenty-Two

Day Three Hundred Twenty-Three

Day Three Hundred Twenty-Four

Day Three Hundred Twenty-Five

Day Three Hundred Twenty-Six

Day Three Hundred Twenty-Seven

Day Three Hundred Twenty-Eight

Day Three Hundred Twenty-Nine

Day Three Hundred Thirty

Day Three Hundred Thirty-One

Day Three Hundred Thirty-Two

Day Three Hundred Thirty-Three

Day Three Hundred Thirty Four

Day Three Hundred Thirty-Five

Day Three Hundred Thirty-Six

Day Three Hundred Thirty-Seven

Day Three Hundred Thirty-Eight

Day Three Hundred Thirty-Nine

Day Three Hundred Forty

Day Three Hundred Forty-One

Day Three Hundred Forty-Two

Day Three Hundred Forty-Three

Day Three Hundred Forty-Four

Day Three Hundred Forty-Five

Day Three Hundred Forty-Six

Day Three Hundred Forty-Seven

Day Three Hundred Forty-Eight

Day Three Hundred Forty-Nine

Day Three Hundred Fifty

Day Three Hundred Fifty-One

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Two

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Three

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Four

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Five

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Six

Day Three Fifty-Seven

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Eight

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Nine

Day Three Hundred Sixty

Day Three Hundred Sixty-One

Day Three Hundred Sixty-Two

Day Three Hundred Sixty-Three

Conclusion

17 Tips To Help Deal with Cancer

Ostomies

Connect With the Author

To my husband and sons

who stuck by every step of the way

and still saw the beauty in me,

even when I couldn’t see it myself.

To my parents

for their unconditional support,

especially my mom,

who choose to become my editor

and one of my biggest supporters.

To all who have followed me on my journey,

especially my family and friends.

There are no words that can convey

what your love and support

has meant to me.

Introduction

2013

Traumas faced,

buried

deep inside,

wanting escape.

Poison

slowly leaks…

spreads and becomes

an epidemic.

The battle begins

between Ego

and

Spirit.

I win

by first loving myself

and then

others.

A thought I feel

I don’t deserve,

and so,

my body makes war upon itself.

Day One

Pink

Something’s not right.

Go to the doctor.

Bomb drops:

You have cancer.

I am on Team Pink.

I don’t like pink.

The hue, the color,

of shock and pity.

Words fall

Not you!

Like leaves whirling

in the wind.

Feelings

start

to become

unhinged.

Approach me directly.

Ask me your questions.

I am not afraid.

Let the story begin.

Day Two

Time

Time

click-clicks away

steady and consistent.

Moments, however, vary.

April 30th:

A sad, slow whale song.

A painful biopsy.

Sit and wait.

May 9th:

Mournfully mixed up

I wail at the words,

you have cancer.

May 15th:

Treatment now!

Anxious energy begins to build

future treatment plans.

Time mocks me.

I now understand

and become unsure

just how much of it I have.

Day Three

Purpose

What is my purpose?

Why do I exist?

What am I trying

to grasp?

My aim cannot

continue to be

to get

and remain sick.

Born broken:

spina bifida.

Mother trying

to help me heal.

I managed my care,

had fair health from there,

but now I am sick

once again.

Purpose complex,

an elusive mess.

One I must figure out

how to clean.

Day Four

Lessons

There’s a delicate dance

between the ill

and

their caregivers.