The Accidental King of Achoo

By Linda J. Falkner

In a faraway land, Jeremiah Abadon assesses his charisma, charm, and wealth as he travels with his forty-two wives, countless children, an Indian princess, African slaves, horses, and several furry mutts in order to find a new place to live. After they finally discover the hidden valley of Achoo and settle in the mountains above, fifteen generations of Abadons grow wealthier while the villagers below toil away.

When the people of Achoo suddenly lose their king, they decide to hold a contest to choose a new ruler. After numerous villagers compete and are eliminated one-by-one, the contest finally comes down to a rich yet unqualified candidate obsessed with winning and making Achoo great again, and a wiry and active woman who cares deeply about everyone in the village. As homing pigeons deliver bird-mail across the valley, the villagers must now discern who is best for the job as one of the candidates does whatever it takesincluding stealingto become the king.

In this tale that shares a humorous take on recent events, a wealthy man obsessed with winning the role of king of a hidden valley is driven by his ego as he attempts to take down his female competitor.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Aug 11, 2017
• ISBN: 9781532022043

Linda J. Falkner

Linda J. Falkner, LMHC earned a master’s degree from the University of South Florida-Tampa. She is a mental health counselor and breast cancer survivor. The Accidental King of Achoo is Linda’s seventh book, but her first full length fiction work. She is the mother of two grown children, and grandmother to one. Linda lives in Brandon, Florida.

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Copyright © 2017 Linda J. Falkner, LMHC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-2203-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-2204-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017909478

iUniverse rev. date: 08/10/2017

CONTENTS

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

Prologue

The Accidental King of Achoo is the story of a wealthy man with an obsession to win at all costs. He participates in a competition to become king, even though he appears to have no chance of winning and has no qualifications for the position. Although this story may parallel many modern-day events, it is in no way meant to reflect a real person or real situation, and any likeness is purely coincidental. It was written only for entertainment, and if you get a few laughs from it, so much the better.

Chapter 1

O nce upon a time, in a faraway land, Jeremiah Abadon, a tall and thin, highly sexual confidence man with slicked black hair and a handlebar mustache, was traveling on horseback. His musket was clearly visible in its holder around his waist. Abadon was thinking about himself, assessing his charisma and charm, as his horse ambled through the countryside. Walking behind him were his forty-two wives, countless children, an Indian princess, African slaves, horses, and several large furry mutts.

Hurry up. You are all dawdling too much, Jeremiah Abadon complained to his wives.

His wives told him that the children were hungry and tired and that they could not walk any farther. They begged him to let the children ride the horses.

I don’t want to tire the horses. The children ate all the stale bread yesterday. I don’t see why we have to feed those useless brats every day. They are lazy and happy to be cared for without contributing anything. I suppose next you’ll want to feed them meat from the deer I shot, Abadon whined. If they can’t walk, then you must carry them. The slaves can hold the reins and lead the horses.

And so it was. Jeremiah Abadon was looking for a new place to live, where no one knew him. Jeremiah was disliked and distrusted, but he was also very wealthy. He had had numerous careers, none of which had been honest. He had made a fortune selling various health potions, which were nothing more than colored sugar water. Jeremiah claimed that red sugar water could cure heart problems, blue would take away the blues, and so on. He had lived in several towns, and after a short time in each new town he had fled, narrowly escaping arrest. Once, he left in the middle of the night after learning that certain nefarious people, whom he had cheated, were planning to tar and feather him and then hang him from an old oak tree.

Eventually, Jeremiah Abadon heard from one of his many spies that he was about to be arrested once again. Consequently, he fled from his most recent home, taking with him his forty-two wives, countless children, an Indian princess, African slaves, horses, and dogs. He had decided that he was tired of running, and thus he was looking for a new land in which to settle and make a fresh start with innocents who would be willing to trust him.

Before they left their previous home, each wife had filled her backpack with gold nuggets stored carefully in plastic Trupperware containers with lids. The travelers brought little else besides a change of clothes and a variety of seeds, including hops and barley, to plant in their future home. Jeremiah carried nothing but his musket. After traveling forty days and forty nights, but still not finding the perfect place to settle, the fleeing nomads stumbled on an undiscovered valley surrounded by nearly impenetrable mountains.

Look at that waterfall, one of the children exclaimed. Water ran from high up the mountaintop, splashing on the rocks below and catching the noon sun to form a double rainbow.

I think I see something behind it, another sharp-eyed child shouted.

There is a small opening between the mountains. It looks like a valley, a woman called out.

These explorers were the first people to discover the hidden passageway. To get inside the valley, they had to walk, leading the horses single file, across treacherous moss-covered rocks made slippery by the stream that formed from the water at the base of the falls.

I’m slipping off the rocks, a woman screamed.

I can get you. One of the larger male slaves reached into the water and helped her to safety.

A small cocoa-brown boy, the child of a slave, slipped into deeper water and nearly drowned. Help my son, the boy’s father yelled. He reached into the water as several other men formed a human chain, holding on to the father and each other.

He’s not breathing. Slap his back, someone called. The child gasped and began crying. The travelers cheered.

A few other people slipped but made narrow escapes. No one except Jeremiah Abadon, who was on horseback, got over the rocks while remaining dry. A generous soaking refreshed the weary group, and they dried quickly under the blistering sun.

We must be grateful that everyone got over the rocks alive. We need to thank God. Jeremiah Abadon led them in prayer. Thank you, God, for giving these people Jeremiah Abadon, who, like Moses, has brought them safely to a new land.

Meandering through the valley, the travelers came upon a forest of trees that caused extreme sneezing. No one really knew why the trees caused this reaction, although some thought it had to do with their strange, oily sap that caused their pollen to become irritating. The travelers named them sneeze trees. By the time they reached the other side of the forest, the travelers were all sneezing violently. The sound of Jeremiah Abadon and his entourage, including the horses and dogs, all sneezing from oily sneeze tree pollen echoed across the mountainside. Achoo, achoo, achoo! After that, the travelers began calling the valley Achoo as a joke, but the name caught on, and they kept it.

The stream they were following joined a spring, bubbling with ice-cold water, to form a river that flowed through the land. There was no need for rain or snow to nourish the flowering meadow, because beavers built dams that flooded the land with spring water. Animals and plant life flourished, and the scent of honeysuckle was carried on a warm breeze.

Look at those birds. Their colors are so brilliant, the Indian princess said. Macaws—some blue, others red and gold—were flying through the trees. A strutting male peacock, with his open tail feathers forming a brilliant fan, was surrounded by ash-gray peahens. The Indian princess found a couple of blue macaw feathers and placed them in her hair.

Shh, listen to the birds sing, someone said. The sound of canaries and small songbirds filled the air with soft, melodic chirps.

Look, deer and antelope are grazing in the meadow, a woman whispered. The calm animals had no knowledge of humans—and thus