Divine Design for the Family

By Ray Wenger and Rhoda Wenger

Title: Divine Design for the Family

Subtitle: Seeking Biblical Wisdom Instead of Human Speculation

 

The uniqueness of this book is its thoroughly biblical basis. In eighteen chapters (296 page paperback), Bible verses are quoted or referenced over 1200 times. The title emphasizes this point: The subtitle was chosen to clarify this emphasis. The authors have been married nearly 50 years, and have raised 9 children.

 

We invite you to join us for a detailed study of Scripture instead of relying on sociological research or psychological theory. God's analysis of the family is always accurate, always valuable, always insightful, always relevant—a great contrast to grandiose human theories which are embraced gladly but then forsaken for a new theory after causing irrevocable damage.

 

Instead of cherry picking isolated verses to validate our own views, we must discover God's design for the family by detailed study of entire passages of Scripture. Success on God's terms requires a deep understanding of God and His purposes.

 

In 13 chapters the first three sections of the book deal with: 1. Foundational issues (Whom to believe, The importance of faith, Husband-wife relationships), 2. The role of parents (Training children to have impact for God, Dealing with depravity, Godly parenthood), and 3. The details of child training (Spiritual training, Discipline, Developing delightful children).

 

The fourth section (new) shows how to have victory over common temptations in family life, and turn those situations into spiritual triumph. It teaches how to have godly husband and wife communication (ch 14), how to resolve husband and wife conflict (ch 15), how important it is for parents to continually pursue God's ways (ch 16), how the temptations of motherhood can be shaped into joy instead of sadness (ch 17), and how parents can choose the spiritual legacy to provide for their family (ch 18).

 

Divine Design for the Family is not a list of cute definitions or clever outlines. It is not intended to be a collection of fancy formulas for instant results. The goal is to clarify God's principles for raising a vibrant family and to open vistas in God's Word that will inspire parents to use the Bible as the source of wisdom for training a family to make an impact for God. Then when questions arise, the parent can go to the Bible itself for answers. God's principles give confidence to parents. By obeying God, parents can learn how to creatively apply His principles to fit their particular situation. God's Word is the textbook. We are the students.

 

Some people believe that the Bible is irrelevant and out of date, but have never in fairness studied the Bible deeply to investigate if their assumption is true. We invite you to make this investigation with us before passing judgment. Only by tasting, can we see that the Lord is good. He respectfully withdraws from those who refuse to taste.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wenger Ministries
• Release date: Oct 8, 2021
• ISBN: 9781737750710

Ray Wenger

Ray Wenger’s educational background includes studies at PhD level in mathematics (University of Virginia) and a Th.M from Grace Theological seminary. But it was in the early years he spent teaching Christian school that pushed him to search for a thoroughly Biblical basis for training godly children. Ray and his wife Rhoda have been married 49 years, and have nine children. For thirty years they focused on itinerant ministry, teaching on many topics in addition to family life. Gradually as their children grew to adulthood, they pursued ministry of their own, and Ray and Rhoda continued this ministry as a couple. They are grateful to God that all of their children are believers desiring to know Christ and make Him known.

Book preview

RAY & RHODA WENGER

EXPANDED EDITION

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5–6

To obtain paper copies or an ebook, visit:

www.wengerministries.org

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ISBN: 978-1-7377507-1-0

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Cover design: Raphael M. Wenger

Cover photo: Ray Wenger. Northern lights in Northern Alberta, Canada.

Copyright © 2021 by

Ray M. Wenger

and Rhoda Wenger

All rights reserved. Brief excerpts may be used for reviews. Otherwise get written permission by sending email request to the following address: [e-mail]

Unless indicated otherwise, all Scripture quotations are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

The NKJV capitalizes nouns referring to God even though other translations use lower case. Discussions in the text of this book also use the same convention to provide clarity of reference.

Scriptures marked NASB95 are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved

First Edition: 1990

Second Edition: 1992

Expanded Edition: 2021

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Table of Contents

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

Foundations for the Family

Whom Shall We Believe?

Faith Determines Family Action

Marriage Credentials

Wisdom For a Happy Family

The Role of Parents

Parents Advancing the Kingdom of God

Dealing With Depravity

Godly Parenthood

Godly Fatherhood

Godly Motherhood

Training Your Child

Spiritual Training

Leading Children to Faith in Christ

Principles of Discipline

Developing Delightful Children

Triumph Over Snares

Godly Husband and Wife Communication

Resolving Marriage Conflict

Glorious Marriage Ruined by Fleshliness

Shape Motherhood Temptations into Joy

Creating a Legacy of Walking with God

Bibliography

Foreword

Ray Wenger’s Divine Design for the Family is a worthwhile contribution to the Christian home. When, nearly twenty years ago, I wrote Christian Living in the Home, there was relatively little in the area available that was of a biblical nature. There were a few books—psychologically, rather than biblically oriented. Since then, floods of materials on the family have poured forth from Christian publishers. So vast has been the output that the average person is overwhelmed by the array of titles in a well-stocked Christian bookstore.

So then—why another? There is one simple answer to that question: among all the offerings, there are still relatively few that are biblically-based rather than psychologically or experience-oriented.

Let me commend this book to you as one that not only sets forth basic biblical truth about marriage and the family but also introduces some new insights as well. Every Christian’s home shelf should have a copy.

J. E. Adams

Escondido, CA

1988

Foreword 2021 Expanded Edition

Ray Wenger, with the help of his wife Rhoda, has produced and expanded a thoroughly scriptural book on the function of the family as created and designed by God. Especially enlightening are the biblical accounts which Ray analyzes to emphasize the need for Spirit-empowered families in our society.

John Loewen

Pastor, public school teacher, market gardener

Ontario, Canada

2021

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When I discovered the book that captivated the Wengers’ 11-year-old daughter, I gasped and chuckled simultaneously. Only a Wenger lived life with such intentional focus!

It was a gift to our future family that my fiancé and I met the Wengers when the ink was still wet on my college diploma, 40 years ago. My psychology professors equipped me to influence the behavior of a classroom with dignified, sugary statements such as Gentlemen, chairs are for sitting on; floors are for standing on. Methods that had neither design nor divine wisdom.

Like mothers and educators of every generation, I aspired to train our children employing methods that would avoid the heartbreaking results I observed around me. The soft, warm sands of psychology would make our children feel loved and secure. And they would want to respond to the love I modeled.

Mercifully, before the storms of life were able to smash the sandcastles I dreamt of, my ideals were redirected to building on the solid rock of scriptural principles by the delightful Wenger children and their intentional parents. Would our children have survived the year we lived 30 feet from the road, or the years a pond adjoined our yard, if they had not learned to follow the basic biblical command to children – to obey – instantly and when I was out of sight?

What would I have resorted to when my sweet words were not obeyed? Would I have removed the child to try again another day? What would I have done on an airplane or in a doctor’s office? Following the psychology I had learned, I certainly would have joined the exhausted, overwhelmed teachers and parents who tend to be driven to resenting their misbehaving children, and sadly, even abuse.

The lofty philosophies from the psych texts popped like fragile bubbles when I met the Wenger children. Not only did the youngsters obey instantly, literally skidding to a stop when their mother softly but firmly commanded Stop children! as a car sped dangerously near, but they obeyed cheerfully as well. No handstands or theatricals needed.

There are several commands every child must learn as quickly as possible, as it could save their lives, Rhoda explained, including, ‘Stop’ and ‘Come’. And obedience must be cheerful. As well as instant. Counting to 3 gives them 3 seconds to disobey, she continued. When facing behavior problems, Ray and I look at each other and ask, ‘Do we want to deal with this at 3 or 13?’ "

The loving respect Ray and Rhoda displayed to each other created a secure foundation for their home. The Wengers were disciplined and organized, giving careful thought to what they did.

Rhoda’s gracious, considerate, and appreciative manner was reflected in her children as well. So, Rhoda’s nuggets of wisdom were golden treasures, validated by obvious results in the children. No matter what question I raised, she had already faced it and carefully studied it out. Her careful scheduling made the home function flawlessly. I find when I am burned out, I have been trying to operate on my own strength, she shared. We must carve out time with God. And also, delegate...

As a schoolteacher, in 1981, I was appalled to learn that Ray and Rhoda would choose to educate their children at home, of all places! But as I continued to interact with their family, my observing their children learning to read by 4, a 7-year-old writing a report on the Egyptians, and a 10-year-old studying New Testament Greek debunked any myths that children could not learn outside of the traditional classroom. Experiencing the well-mannered, brilliant dinner table conversations and gracious interactions with the family also burst the socialization myth. And Jerry and I gained courage to home educate as well.

Dinner around the Wenger table was a delight—conversation spiced by intriguing discussions, with Ray posing stimulating questions, followed by animated discussions, laughter, and inspiration. Dinner table conversation provided the ideal atmosphere for teaching, and should never be wasted, they believed.

I discovered the Wenger children were not only alert and obedient, but thoughtful and grateful as well, trained to respect the property of others.

We could see this couple was more INTENTIONAL about raising their family with godly principles and preparing their children for life callings, than anyone we had met.  Life was more than creating fond memories together. The parents carefully calculated activities and discussions to shape the arrows destined for warfare.

We call it missionary training! Rhoda noted delightedly when she talked of how they roughed it under the stars during some of the nights of their ministry travels.

In this expanded edition of Divine Design for the Family, Ray and Rhoda have generously shared the time-proven treasures of godly wisdom they’ve accumulated through decades of study to help any family jump-start the task of shaping delightful arrows of impact and precision. The anecdotes shared by their adult children lend an intriguing and powerful dimension to this expanded edition. The new chapters, like the rest of the book, are not only based on Scripture but validated by the results evident in their delightful, influential family. One of those chapters written by Rhoda is pure gold and a priceless handbook for mothers. I don’t remember ever meeting another woman who could travel with a large family for months at a time with the organization and grace Rhoda displayed as they ministered, staying in host homes across the continent, and around the world, in fact, educating as they went.

How thankful we are for couples like Ray and Rhoda, who painstakingly blazed the trail before us, seeking out God’s design for the family. These authors go far beyond psychology’s sparkling, fragile bubbles and sandcastles, to solid biblical teaching—divine wisdom that has been tried and proven. This biblical wisdom was tested and verified by the Wenger children who have invested in God’s Kingdom as Bible translator and translation instructor, commercial pilot, graphic designer, construction of mission hospitals, teaching missionary children, training as a physical therapy assistant; and ministering in missions as nurses, certified midwives, and a surgical physician’s assistant.

After the Wenger family gave their warm and gracious farewells following a visit to our home, I searched for the book that had held the 11-year-old captive. I gave a gasping chuckle as I read the title: Single and Satisfied.  The future Bible translator knew at 11 that life was a battle, and she was intentionally giving it her all to prepare for the time she’d be released into the battlefield. As Rachelle translates the Scriptures and teaches Bible translation, her updates reflect a purposeful, rewarding, delightful (if dangerous) life, totally satisfied. The well-shaped arrows are impacting God’s kingdom—because parents chose to follow God’s truths and to live intentionally.

Dorcas Hoover

Published author: including House Calls and Hitching Posts,   Awaiting the Dawn, Whisper of Wings

Dover, Ohio

2021

Preface

First Two Editions. Some years ago David Foote, who frequently visited in our home, persistently prodded me to write a book on child training. Receiving encouragement from two professors at Grace Theological Seminary, I finally arranged to work on the manuscript as a project during my seminary studies. Professor David R. Plaster evaluated the basic outline, studied the manuscript, and made valuable comments. Other people reviewed portions of it and made helpful suggestions: John C. Whitcomb, Ivan French, George Zemek, Tracy Howard, Larry Kayser, Allen Roth. John D. Martin was especially helpful in giving editorial assistance. David Foote went over the manuscript in detail during the final stages. Jay E. Adams graciously provided a forward.

Working on the manuscript refined my understanding. During this time our family began traveling and teaching on the subject of godly family life. Interacting with many individuals and groups helped me improve the presentation of the material.

The foundation for our understanding of parenthood began with the teaching my wife and I received from our own parents. We were taught the importance of obedience to the Scriptures. We were taught to obey our parents. We grew up in homes that established wholesome patterns of living.

My immediate family has had a vital part in this project, and our interactions together have been the source for the majority of the examples in this book. My wife and children have loved me and been patient with me as I have been learning how to be an effective husband and father. My wife Rhoda has exhibited the wisdom of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31, and has offered many helpful suggestions and ideas, as well as assisting in editorial work. We have eight children: Rachelle, Renee, Roland, Rosalyn, Rolanda, Rhonda, Raphael, Ryan. Rachelle gave me free access to her personal journals for anecdotal material, and also helped with proofreading and editing. Rachelle and Renee composed pencil-drawing illustrations for each chapter.

The Scriptures provide the key to effective living. The Creator of the Universe tells us how to live as families, how to experience joy and fulfillment. As we apply God’s principles, we experience blessing. We pray that God may be glorified, that His Word may be given its rightful place as the sufficient and comprehensive guide for effective family living, and that Christ may be exalted as the only One who can provide the power to fulfill God’s righteous standards.

Ray M. Wenger

Lancaster County, Pennsylvania

1992

Expanded Edition. Jerry and Dorcas Hoover had many valuable insights for making the book more useful and appealing, including adding Rhoda’s perspective. Rhoda as co-author dramatically enhances this edition. The first thirteen chapters are similar to the earlier editions, but with improved exposition and use of examples. The final five chapters provide new teaching developed since the first two editions, including Rhoda’s chapter on triumphing over the temptations of motherhood.

Rachelle gave superb Hebrew analysis and editorial expertise. Rachelle and Renee provided pictures from the second edition, and Renee made a new drawing for the new section. At Raphael’s suggestion we added a subtitle to highlight the focus of the book—Divine Design for the Family: Seeking Biblical Wisdom Instead of Human Speculation. The Bible provides clear answers to the questions we have regarding successful family life. These answers are available if we ponder deeply what God has written for us.

Millions of people have never been able to go outside on a clear dark night and see the glory of aurora borealis. They cannot experience this glory unless they travel thousands of miles away from low latitudes, and then get up at night and look. Persistent seeking enables us to see God’s amazing illumination of the night.

The new cover on this expanded edition illustrates this with a picture I took in northern Alberta. Parents need not grope in the dark as they seek to raise their children. For those who seek deeply and persistently, God’s Word illuminates the darkness.

Adult Pursuits of Our Children

In our traveling ministry we continued to teach on godly family life, as well as many other topics. God blessed us with our ninth child, Rosetta. As family members began pursuing activities of their own, our traveling group kept dwindling until now only Rhoda and I are involved in this ministry.

Over the years, people have wondered what our children pursued as they matured. Here is a snapshot of some of the activities of our children, all of whom have served abroad in short-term missions. All of them as adults desire to know Christ and make Him known.

Rachelle went to West Africa in 1997 to work on linguistics and Bible translation with a language community of nomadic cattle herders. She also teaches linguistics, biblical Hebrew, and principles of translation and helps translation teams from various languages analyze the structures of their own languages and check the accuracy of their translations.

Renee joined Rachelle in 1999 and spent several years producing artwork for literacy materials. She spent two years working as a cook at a New Tribes Mission training center in England. She has served as food service manager at Bible camps in Wisconsin and Michigan, and worked in the finance department at a bank. She married in 2019. Her husband is a mathematics professor; they live in Georgia.

Roland is a pilot. He took a short-term assignment with Missionary Aviation Fellowship as an aircraft mechanic in Papua New Guinea. His aviation experience has involved projects in many countries, which has given him opportunity for ministry in various contexts. Presently he flies passenger jets. He married in 2008 and lives with his family in North Carolina.

Rosalyn, a registered nurse and certified midwife, has been at thousands of births. Since 2014 she has served as a missionary nurse and midwife in West Africa, training national midwives to assist her. Rosalyn has done many deliveries that have been highly complex and difficult.

Rolanda worked as a registered nurse in a neurological intensive care unit. After serving in some short-term medical missions, she trained to become a physician assistant, and completed a surgical residency. She married in 2015; she and her family joined a translation project in West Africa.

Rhonda is a nationally certified midwife. She began long-term service in West Africa in 2012, and was instrumental in getting her siblings to serve there too. She came back to the United States to get married in 2015. She and her family live in New York, where her husband serves as a pastor.

Raphael enjoyed exploring the quirks of operating systems, and often in our travels he would help people solve their computer problems. He started a business doing freelance programming and web page design. He taught English as a second language in Mexico. He obtained a college degree in graphic design, and married in 2016. He is a small-group leader at his church. Currently he does graphic design in North Carolina, where he lives with his family. Raphael designed the cover for this book.

Ryan is a jack-of-all-trades, and a superb automotive mechanic. In 2014 he went to West Africa and spent six months assisting in the construction of a new mission hospital. For several years he traveled to various countries (usually Africa) to install solar panels and hospital gas equipment at mission hospitals. He currently lives in North Carolina, working several part-time jobs that give him flexibility of schedule.

Rosetta began working at a Christian bookstore at age eighteen and became manager of the homeschool department. At age twenty-one she spent the school year in West Africa teaching kindergarten to missionary children. The next year she lived in France for several months with Rolanda’s family so Rolanda could devote more time to studying French. The following year she spent several months in West Africa to help Rolanda’s small children adjust to the dramatic change of climate and culture. Currently she is studying to be a physical therapy assistant and is hoping to focus on ministry in a mission setting.

Ray and Rhoda Wenger

Pinnacle, North Carolina

2021

Introduction

Taste and see that the Lord is good!

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Biblical Basis

The uniqueness of this book is its thoroughly biblical basis. In eighteen chapters, Bible verses are quoted or referenced over 1200 times. The title emphasizes this point: Divine Design for the Family. The subtitle was chosen to clarify this emphasis: Seeking Biblical Wisdom Instead of Human Speculation.

We invite you to join us for a detailed study of Scripture instead of relying on sociological research or psychological theory. God’s analysis of the family is always accurate, always valuable, always insightful, always relevant—a great contrast to grandiose human theories which are embraced gladly but then forsaken for a new theory after causing irrevocable damage.

Instead of cherry picking isolated verses to validate our own views, we must discover God’s design for the family by detailed study of entire passages of Scripture. Success on God’s terms requires a deep understanding of God and His purposes.

In 13 chapters the first three sections of the book deal with: 1. Foundational issues (Whom to believe, The importance of faith, Husband-wife relationships), 2. The role of parents (Training children to have impact for God, Dealing with depravity, Godly parenthood), and 3. The details of child training (Spiritual training, Discipline, Developing delightful children).

The fourth section (new) shows how to have victory over common temptations in family life, and turn those situations into spiritual triumph. It teaches how to have godly husband and wife communication (ch 14), how to resolve husband and wife conflict (ch 15), how important it is for parents to continually pursue God’s ways (ch 16), how the temptations of motherhood can be shaped into joy instead of sadness (ch 17), and how parents can choose the spiritual legacy to provide for their family (ch 18).

Goal: Get Answers from the Bible

Divine Design for the Family is not a list of cute definitions or clever outlines. It is not intended to be a collection of fancy formulas for instant results.

The goal is to clarify God’s principles for raising a vibrant family and to open vistas in God’s Word that will inspire parents to use the Bible as the source of wisdom for training a family to make an impact for God.

Then when questions arise, the parent can go to the Bible itself for answers. God’s principles give confidence to parents. By obeying God, parents can learn how to creatively apply His principles to fit their particular situation.

God’s Word is the textbook. We are the students.

Some people believe that the Bible is irrelevant and out of date, but have never in fairness studied the Bible deeply to investigate if their assumption is true. We invite you to make this investigation with us before passing judgment.

Only by tasting, can we see that the Lord is good. He respectfully withdraws from those who refuse to taste.

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Biblical Literary Structure: Inclusio

Biblical authors used a special literary structure which is very useful in understanding certain biblical passages. Rather than trying to place these diagrams in the text, they are listed below as reference. When inclusio is mentioned subsequent sections of the book, there is a reminder pointing back to this Introduction.

Modern readers are accustomed to the use of white space to signal structure in a book: space between words, sentences, and paragraphs. This space signals a change of topic or emphasis.

Biblical writers used a technique called inclusio. To signal the end of a paragraph, they repeated words or subject matter that they had stated at the beginning of that paragraph.

They knew readers were familiar with this idea and used it to clarify meaning without making the explicit explanations that we expect to see. In outline form, inclusio looks like this:

Statement A:

[Paragraph(s) of intervening material]

Statement B:

Statement A and Statement B have words or subject matter that repeats, setting the paragraph boundary. This boundary clarifies that the intervening material is not introducing some new topic in the middle of the paragraph, but is continuing the same subject.

Example from Proverbs 15:1-4

Statement A: soft answer (v 1)

[Paragraph regarding gentle speech]

Statement B: healing tongue (v 4)

Example from Matthew 18:1-14

Statement A: little children, heaven (vv 1-3)

[Severe loss for not properly receiving a child (vv 4-9)]

[Parable of the lost sheep (vv 10-13)]

Statement B: heaven, these little ones (v 14)

Example from Mark 9:33-48

Statement A: little child (vv 35-37)

[Error: rejecting someone in another group (vv 38-41)]

Statement B: beware of stumbling these little ones (vv 42-47)

Foundations for the Family

In vain would boasting reason find

The path to happiness and God:

Her weak directions leave the mind

Bewildered in a doubtful road.

Here let my constant feet abide;

Thou art the true, the living way;

Let Thy good Spirit be my guide

To the bright realms of endless day.

The various forms that men devise

To shake my faith with treacherous art

I scorn as vanity and lies,

And bind Thy Gospel to my heart.

—Anne Steele, 1760

1

Whom Shall We Believe?

Appetite is one of God’s greatest blessings.

We can train our appetite to hunger deeply for God

instead of luring us to destruction.

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Parents are searching for answers to common questions. Will discipline damage my child’s personality? What if I disagree with the way my spouse handles the children? How should I deal with a strong-willed child? What about a child who always makes excuses? What if my child is hyperactive? Is my child just going through a stage? Should my child with down syndrome be required to obey? How should I cope with The Terrible Twos?

Our society has abundant information. On nearly every subject, the amount of knowledge available is many times what it was a century ago. Many vitally important areas of study were only begun in recent decades. Computer analysis and access to data provide instant information at our fingertips.

We live in a society that is flooded with information, but is arrogant in its ignorant shortage of wisdom. This arrogance is fueled by the fact that our magnificent technological expertise has nothing to do with wisdom. Wisdom is living life in the fear of God. Wisdom is living life in fellowship with God. Wisdom is delighting in living life in the way God intended it to be lived.

Contemporary Voices

Today’s parents are bombarded with counsel on how to raise children. This advice comes from various sources and is based on many different philosophies. The result is a set of contradictory opinions, each proclaimed loudly by its own herd of experts.

The end product of this advice has not been encouraging. The contemporary family is a scene of chaos and domestic disaster. Faced with such a scenario, many parents give up in despair and grimly hope for the best, wondering if they would have been better off without children.

Even Christian parents are faced with confusing advice. Numerous counselors peddle a mixture of humanistic psychology and biblical principles. They love to emphasize, All truth is God’s truth. They point out, The Bible does not tell how to build an airplane, or how to do dental work. They conclude, Gold is where you find it, and therefore any information is valuable fodder for Christian consumption. Their analysis ignores the fact that mathematics, physics, and chemistry are disciplines that do not address the basic issues of spiritual existence.

Much of their advice appears Christian, but is based on a system in direct opposition to God: humanistic psychology, which is not a science, but a religion. This pseudo-scientific religion was founded by men who proposed non-biblical alternatives to the great issues of existence addressed by the Scriptures: the origin of man, his basic nature and destiny, sin, and resolution of guilt. Many contemporary advisors mix these ingredients with a smattering of clinical studies (usually of untrained children), and cover it with a thin icing of Bible verses. The whole package appears spiritually respectable but is a recipe for confusion.

God does not want His people to explore the abyss of darkness in order to gain a few tidbits of understanding (Rom 16:19b). Satan appears as an angel of light, gladly dispensing insight as bait to entice the unwary to destruction.

What God has to say about the family is always insightful, always valuable, always up to date—a great contrast to fleeting human philosophies which are embraced with great enthusiasm and then discarded after extensive and irreparable damage has been done. The way of the world is lustrously appealing: deviate from God’s way, and you can get a ring of gold! Gold? Yes! But that gold can only be obtained from something that is spiritually corrupt. God’s Word unveils the bankruptcy of such a quest.

Personal Odyssey

Although our society and even our churches are filled with perplexity regarding the family, it is possible to train a child with confidence. It is possible to have a happy home.

God has provided His Word and His Spirit to answer the perplexities of human experience. God’s wisdom is sure where others can only conjecture. His promises do not fail. His message gives hope and confidence to every family that chooses to obey Him.

The arena of experience confirms this confidence. During five years of teaching in Christian schools, my observations of parents, children, and teachers clarified root issues that desperately needed to be addressed. I became painfully aware of the failure of many parents in training their children. This was very sobering to me as a beginning parent. How could I avoid in my own family the results I saw in my high school classroom? As I considered these things, I realized that many teenage problems could have been solved with relative ease when the child was two or three years old.

I began to apply God’s principles in my own family, and we experienced His blessing. Obedience channeled the outpouring of His grace which brought further understanding of His ways for the family. Living and learning with children of my own has refined this understanding. Because we have always home educated our children, the blessing of interacting with them has been enhanced and intensified. Presenting seminars on how to have a godly family has provided opportunities to discuss these issues with many people.

Parents can have godly families if they really want them. Such families are not available as packages of instant ingredients, nor are they produced by reading books or attending seminars. Such families are available to parents who obey God.

God’s answers are easy to understand, but often difficult to obey. Those who want a godly family must be willing to obey God, even if that means difficult changes in living patterns. It may involve apology to a spouse. It may involve getting up early to have more time to do the important things. It may involve choosing a lower living standard in order to invest in the lives of children.

We began teaching on this subject in 1987 when we had six of our nine children, and before any of them had reached their teenage years. A few people scoffed. Just wait until he has teenagers—then he’ll learn some things! But I was not merely tacking Bible verses onto ideas I thought important. Teaching the Bible itself safeguarded the validity of what I was saying.

By focusing on biblical exposition, both correctness and relevancy could be maintained. As the children continued to grow and mature, they were effective in the ministry of singing and Bible recitation, as well as being living illustrations of the principles taught.

In our itinerant ministry, we traveled with our children in a van and would be gone for months at a time. Usually, instead of staying at hotels, a church family hosted us. This gave us opportunity for many informal interactions with people—not just appearing in the pulpit to teach and then disappearing to a hotel. People could see our family in church and in other settings too. They could see that we were not teaching some untested theory; they could see God’s blessing for obedience to His Word.

Ageless Wisdom

Wisdom for the demanding task of parenting does not emanate from the transient and humanistic philosophies of men in opposition to God. Neither does it reside within the parent himself (Jer 10:23).

In Christ are hidden ALL the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Col 2:3). One who has Jesus Christ as Lord will be careful that no one takes him captive through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ (Col 2:8). He will reject all advice contradicting what God has said. God’s Word has precedence over any and every philosophy of men.

God’s Word is clear and has always been a great contrast to human philosophy. Our age is no different from that of the ancient prophet Isaiah. Human philosophy can only whisper and mutter in spiritual incoherence. Any philosophy of parenting that does not correspond to the total perspective of Scripture ultimately brings confusion ending in anguish (Isa 8:19-22).

The Maker of the universe provides the remedy to the uncertainty and chaos of contemporary families. His Word gives the divine design for the family, guiding our homes into havens of delight. Any parent can apply this design with confidence. The credentials for success in God’s program are very simple. Parents do not need large amounts of money, or extensive education, or brilliant intelligence. The only requirement is absolute allegiance to Jesus Christ the King of the universe.

Although parents may feel personally inadequate for the task of child training, they can actually be experts by diligently studying and appropriating God’s principles for raising children. These principles apply to all parents and all children. Expertise in parenthood is measured by the degree to which the parent has learned and applied the principles of Scripture.

Because Christ is omniscient, the principles of Scripture are a sufficient guide for successful parenthood. God’s Word is light: clear insight for effectiveness and joy. It gives understanding even to the simple (Psa 119:130).

The parent who truly loves God will meditate on His principles and obey them. Since he is then following the instructions of the Creator of the universe, he will have more understanding than the most sophisticated teachers, and more wisdom than the most revered authorities. He will learn to hate every philosophy opposing what God has said (Psa 119:97-104).

The parent who obeys God will become like Christ who confounded the intelligentsia of His own day with God’s wisdom not learned in schools (John 7:15-17). God’s instructions enable an inexperienced couple to be skillful and successful parents.

A young lady once worked as a baby-sitter for a PhD professor of anthropology, whose wife was working on her master’s degree in sociology. Their three-year-old son was very bright and had an amazing vocabulary. He was also undisciplined and difficult for his parents to manage. When he disliked something his mother did, he felt free to slap her in the face. She would respond in gentle anguish, What’s wrong? What have I done to upset you? When the father wanted to make an important phone call, he would spend ten minutes begging his son to stay downstairs lest he disturb the conversation. In contrast, the babysitter firmly insisted on proper behavior. The boy knew what she expected and was secure in their relationship. After several months the father said to her, I can’t understand it. Our son is so calm and happy after he has been with you. Even without children of her own, principles of Scripture made this young lady wiser than highly educated parents.

The parent who seeks God’s answers illustrates the dynamics of the fiftieth chapter of Isaiah. Since he learns from God, he will be able to speak to his own household with amazing learning, giving a word in season to a child who is disappointed or a spouse who is weary (Isa 50:4).

Like a flint he has set his face for obedience to Christ regardless of the cost (vv 5-7), convinced that truth administered in God’s way will ultimately be vindicated, and that all opposing philosophies will be destroyed (vv 8-9). At times of difficulty he resolutely follows what God has said, knowing pseudo-light ultimately brings even greater trouble (vv 10-11).

Many voices clamor for attention, but God’s voice is superior to all others and guarantees parental wisdom for anyone who will listen. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths (Prov 3:5-6). The One who created the universe and instituted the family invites us to come to Him for supernatural insight.

Frequently people have a very negative view of appetite. They consider it something that must be fought against, a dreadful force always drawing them toward indulging in pleasures they should avoid. But appetite is one of God’s greatest blessings to us, because appetite can be trained. Practice can develop an appetite to crave something that sickened us at first encounter. Many people who first tasted beer were nauseated by it, but with practice developed a tremendous desire for what is very detrimental. Therefore, we can train our appetite to seek deeply for God, instead of being enamored by the drivel of what is passing away. We can taste and see that the Lord is good, and thus develop hunger for what is eternal.

Those who truly desire to obey God will immerse themselves in His Word in order to understand His purposes and plans. In an age of digital media, training our appetite to study God’s Word takes special effort.

Many times I have portrayed to audiences the following scenario. Suppose you look at Facebook, and by exercising great care only see wholesome pictures, and only navigate threads of comments that are uplifting and enlightening. After doing that for two hours, I guarantee you will have no appetite for studying the book of Ephesians. No one has ever contradicted my statement. Instead, people have responded with sheepish nods. God’s Word yields its riches to those who seek diligently and study deeply.

Personal Application

Commitment to the principles of Christ transforms every area of family life, both individually and corporately. The parent who has Jesus Christ as Lord will be personally open to the impact of truth in his life. He will be willing to change his behavior when shown it does not measure up to the standard of God’s Word, even if this is a painful and costly process. He knows the alternative is even more costly.

He will deal with his own deficiencies (such as selfishness) as he sees them mirrored in his children. In the process he becomes a more effective parent, is more pleasant to live with, and is a better example for the family. When he wrongs his spouse or children, he will ask their forgiveness. He will not try to hide behind a facade of his own supposed superiority, but will allow family interactions to mold his own character more completely into the image of Christ. Awareness of his own sin and need for forgiveness helps him avoid harshness by combining a spirit of mercy with the discipline necessary for child training.

The bedrock foundation of an effective family is Jesus Christ. Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it (Psa 127:1). This means husband and wife must individually have Jesus Christ as Lord of their personal lives. Unless a parent submits to Christ, his own selfishness will sabotage his attempts to build his family.

Obedience to the Lordship of Christ produces a family that is determined to live according to biblical patterns, even when this contradicts contemporary wisdom. Members of such a family will rejoice in serving one another. Individuals will not expect commendation for merely fulfilling their duty (see Luke 17:5-10). Work has a new significance as it is done for the glory of God and for His reward (Col 3:23-24).

The husband will not generate bad attitudes in the family by complaining about the unpleasantness of his own work. The wife will not neglect God’s assignment at home in preference to some other work of her own choosing. Parents will teach children to perform their tasks cheerfully.

The family committed to the Lordship of Christ will give extra attention to those areas of life that the Scriptures indicate as needing special diligence. Wives must submit to their own husbands as is appropriate in the Lord. Husbands must love their wives and conquer the temptation to be bitter against them. Children must obey their parents in all things. Fathers must be careful not to provoke their children, lest they become discouraged (Col 3:18-21). God gives each member of the family specific direction for the area in which he is most likely to be deficient.

Families committed to Christ as Lord do not regard God’s directions as an affront, or demeaning, or unfair. They realize that God’s plan is best, that these commandments have been given for their own good, and that any departure from them is destructive to the family. They recognize areas of weakness as opportunities to diligently apply God’s principles and God’s grace. Therefore, they heed these instructions carefully, with a joy the world cannot understand. The result is a family blessed by God.

Summary

God is from everlasting to everlasting, the designer of the universe. God’s Word provides sure answers to the problems families face. Blind unbelief will surely err. Human philosophy is determined to find answers apart from God. Therefore, although unbelievers make proposals that may sound good on the surface, those proposals will result in significant damage. Then old theories are abandoned or revised, hoping for better results.

Christians embrace confusion when they try to combine the insights of unbelievers with a veneer of Scripture. True wisdom for the family comes from a deep study of God’s Word, and an intense seeking for God Himself. Then we can have success far beyond what any human speculation can provide.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. We seek Him first, and He gives more light and more insight as we apply what we learn.

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Faith Determines Family Action

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