All I'll Ever See

By Nell Iris

The night Kieran bangs on Theo’s door and kisses him changes both their lives forever. Theo has never been in the closet, but Kieran isn’t out and risks losing everything -- his inheritance, his relationship with his family -- should his parents find out.

But their feelings for each other can’t be denied, and Theo agrees to keeping their budding relationship a secret. But can their love grow and flourish when hidden away in the dark? Or will it wilt and die before they have a chance to live happily ever after?

• Language: English
• Publisher: JMS Books LLC
• Release date: Sep 11, 2021
• ISBN: 9781646569007

Nell Iris

Nell is a forty-something bisexual Swedish woman, married to the love of her life, and a proud mama of a grown daughter. She left the Scandinavian cold and darkness for warmer and sunnier Malaysia a few years ago, and now spends her days writing, surfing the Internet, enjoying the heat, and eating good food. One day she decided to chase her lifelong dream of being a writer, sat down in front of her laptop, and wrote a story about two men falling in love. Nell writes gay romance, prefers sweet over angst, and wants to write diverse and different characters.

Book preview

Chapter 1

2014

A banging on my door, booming through my apartment, scares me awake. I fly out of my bed as though I’m shot from a rocket launcher, legs still tangled in the sheet, and fall flat on the floor. Luckily, I have enough time to catch myself on my hands, avoiding face planting and breaking my nose.

More whacking on the door frenzies my heart rate, makes my breathing shallow and ragged. Frozen to the floor, I try to blink the sleep from my eyes as my mind races a million miles per minute. What’s going on? Is someone trying to break in? What do I do? Find a weapon? Do I even have a weapon? Do I call the police? Hide under the bed?

A muffled voice accompanies the next set of thumps. Theeeeeo, wake up. Even through the door, I recognize the voice and the fear evaporates from my body as quickly as it came.

I scramble to my feet and hurry through the apartment and fling open the door to my late-night visitor. Kieran, what the… I don’t get any further before the man in question, my best friend Seamus’s older brother, the man I’ve been desperately in love with for as long as I can remember, falls through the open door as though he was leaning on it and I’d yanked away his support.

I grab his waist to steady him, and Kieran winds his arms around me, which doesn’t help. He’s taller than me. Bigger, shoulders double my width, so I buckle under his weight, and we stumble, but the wall catches us before we go down.

But even when we’re steady, he doesn’t make a move to let go. Instead, he tightens his grip on me, rests his forehead on my shoulder, and mumbles, Sorry.

I kick the door closed behind him and try to make him stand up straight so I can look him in the eye, but it’s no use. He reeks of booze, and his limbs are uncoordinated, soft and floppy, and uncooperative as I start walking backward in the general direction of the den and my couch, pulling him along.

What are you doing here? I ask as I struggle to keep us upright. I rarely have visitors—my apartment is too small to entertain—he’s been here once or twice with Seamus, but never alone. Never in the middle of the night or unannounced. Never drunk. In fact, I’ve never seen him drunk before; whenever he even drinks, it’s in moderation, so this is new. And worrisome.

His build isn’t easy for me to maneuver, and his unusual clinginess doesn’t help. He’s like an octopus wrapped around me, and he’s strong.

I missed you, he mumbles into my skin, words slurred. I needed to see you.

I missed you?

I force myself to file away his statement for later when I have time to mull it over and am not in the middle of wrestling his weight and steering him to somewhere I can sit him down.

Eventually, we reach the couch, and I try to deposit him there, but he still refuses to let me go and takes me with him. We end up in an inelegant pile on the cushions, where Kieran hums and relaxes enough for me to wriggle out of his grip.

Stay here. I’ll get you some water to sober you up, I say, looking down on him. His honey-blond hair is messy, his tie crooked, and he’s spilled something on his suit jacket. I frown. I’ve never seen him less than immaculate, at least not since he went away to college when I was thirteen.

Don’ scowl, he slurs, his gray eyes wide and locked on my face. Don’ be angry with me. I needed to see you. I miss you.

Those words again.

My heart clenches and I frown, not knowing what to make of this situation, so I twirl on my heel and race out of the room. Fleeing. I’m not proud of it, but I need a moment to breathe. In the kitchen, I grab the sink so hard, my knuckles whiten, and I concentrate on trying to steady my breathing, counting to five as I inhale and doing the same on the exhale.

My heart rate hasn’t returned to normal after being scared awake, and no matter how much air I force into my lungs, I feel like I don’t get enough oxygen

Reviews for All I'll Ever See

[L'eau · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

An expansion of All I See. I enjoyed reading the background story and follow-up of the previous short story.