Uncle Bobby's Book Of Poems

By Robert Gentleman

“This collection of poems should not be read by anyone who does not have a robust sense of humour! No offence is intended: I take the mickey out of everyone, including myself. (I pull everyone’s leg, especially the girls’.)”
Robert Gentleman (aka “Uncle Bobby”)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Aug 31, 2021
• ISBN: 9781528972987

Robert Gentleman

A randy Scotsman who came to England to pinch women and sheep. Got caught, my punishment is to remain in England for life.

Book preview

About the Author

A randy Scotsman who came to England to pinch women and sheep. Got caught; my punishment is to remain in England for life.

Dedication

To my loving and understanding wife.

Robert Gentleman

Uncle Bobby’s Book Of Poems

Copyright © Robert Gentleman (2021)

The right of Robert Gentleman to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781528951128 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781528972987 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2021)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

Acknowledgements

To all my friends and those who have supported me over the years.

Stories (True & Otherwise)

True Friends!

Some people have foes, some people have friends,

Where do you stand? It all depends

On your honesty and a shake of the hand.

You will soon find out when you’re stuck in the sand!

A true friend will never desert you when you are in need,

That you will find when you are deep down indeed.

With a genuine smile, a wink, a hug or a kiss

You will find out I’m sure, when things go amiss!

You will regret not knowing if he is a slowing slug,

You’re sure to find out, with a warm and friendly hug.

A real pal will put a hand on your weary back,

With a big smile, when you’re under attack!

You will soon find out, with the depth of that smile,

Or the glint in the eye, that will last quite a while.

One you will know, when it gives you that feeling,

With a true friend, you really are dealing!

A real friend you will feel, someone you can trust,

Not a weak link in a chain, that will wither and rust

He will stand by your side, when you’re really down,

And make you feel good, dispersing that foreboding frown!

But if it’s a girl, things will not go amiss,

As she will cheer you up, with one single kiss

Don’t let her floor you with dozens of kisses

Especially if it’s your nattering old missus!

M

y Next Door Neighbour! – Richard the Bold

Come in and have a cuppa, said my friendly neighbour,

I’d rather have a coffee, his tea has a funny flavour.

I don’t tell him I said so, ’cause he gets really verbal,

What he didn’t tell me, his tea is really herbal!

He is a great big ruffian, as tough as any oak tree,

But he has to eat certain foods which he calls gluten-free.

He also eats tins of spinach, to put muscles on his arms,

Showing off his strength, I’ve seen him pulling Blackpool trams!

You should see his muscular legs, when at the Highland Games,

He’s not the kind of guy you would call some funny names.

He would grab you by the neck, and drag you round the park,

And tell you with a smile, he just done it for a lark!

His name is Mister Wonderful, that’s what he said to me,

I’m not going to argue, as he’s twice my size you see.

Besides I like the guy, for all his little sins,

Except when he throws at me his empty spinach tins!

Haggis Bashers!

Betwixt the months of March and June

The young men o’ the toon

Polish up their hunting bashers

And take the oath upon their mashers!

The champion of ‘man mang men’

Will soon be proven once again.

Beware the timid, this isn’t fun:

The haggis season has begun!

Unleash the ‘whelps’, especially bred

For tracking haggis in their bed,

Howling at the crack o’ day.

Swing your clubs, man, let’s away!

Through the bracken, bush and heather

Follow the whelps, hell for leather,

Through the whins, keeping track,

You’ll never know when they’ll attack!

Of all the sounds, the one most scaring

Is haggis roaring and whelps a-braying.

The screams and howls, the dying moans,

Will chill you to your very bones!

With thoughts of personal safety gone,

The flashing task’s the downward horn,

Into the fray send the beasties crashing:

Save your soul, go haggis bashing!

The loss, perhaps, a pair o’ whelp,

The prize, a pair o’ fabled pelt,

The champion a’ the lassies love

And an honour no man stands above!

The reason why haggis is a much longed-for prize:

Portions of fertility are made from the horns

A fur so fine, millionaires adorn,

The eyes are set in ladies’ rings

And the meat well favoured by ancient kings!!!

Crisscrossing Scotland

Rabbie Burns on a farm was bred,

Near Dumfries, on an old wooden bed.

His poems are known the whole world over,

Rabbie was famous, too, as a lover and a rover!

Edinburgh is the capital of our historic country,

To call it anything else, would be an effrontery.

The castle on an extinct volcano stands,

With a royal military tattoo, the best in any lands!

Glasgow stands upon the River Clyde,

Built ships that over the oceans did ride.

The city’s ships known as the world’s best,

For building ships, that stood the test!

The game of golf was gifted to us,

On Saint Andrews’ hallowed ground.

From around the world folk made a fuss,

And began to swear just halfway round!

Dundee with journalism, jute and jam,

Gave the world ‘Oor Wullie’, and ‘The Broons’.

Whiskie’s as