Beyond the Rainbow: A Study of What It Really Means to Be Gay

By Linda D. Rhodes

I HAVE NO SOUL. MY SOUL WAS RIPPED OUT OF ME A LONG TIME AGO.
There has never been an easier time to be gay. As they emerge from a past of perceived sin and illegality, gay men today are increasingly viewed as legitimate equal citizens and there is a very real sense that social values and attitudes towards gay men have changed for the better.
But the development of a gay sexual identity is a complex and often difficult process and there remain sections of the community which are loud in their opposition. Inevitably, such condemnation impacts the lives of young men, leaving many hurt and demoralised.
Tracing her own steps to understanding, Dr Rhodes draws on history, science, social analysis and personal observation to reveal a picture of what being gay really means. Though known to the broader community through the prism of rainbows, pride marches and AIDS, homosexuality also involves a struggle to create meaningful lives in the face of adolescent bullying, societal discrimination and diminished adult self-esteem. Gay sons thus need to be supported, not condemned.
MY FAMILY IS SO HOMOPHOBIC, I CAN NEVER COME OUT.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Jul 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9781528981651

Linda D. Rhodes

Linda D. Rhodes was born in Melbourne at a time when homosexuality was deemed both immoral and illegal and was largely kept secret. Her gay cousin, though geographically close, was spoken of reluctantly and she never met him. Subsequently, a lifetime spent married to the notoriously homophobic mining industry meant that she rarely encountered sexual diversity – until a young acquaintance arrived to stay. Faced with his differences and her ignorance, she felt the need to understand and so began her research. The result is a book that tells a story of what it is like to be gay, which answers all the questions a parent might ask when a son comes out and which reveals that a gay life involves a great deal more than rainbows, mardi gras and AIDS. After a twenty-year career in nursing, much of it in mining towns, Linda undertook an undergraduate degree in psychology. This was followed by a PhD in sociology. Her first book, Two for the Price of One, examined the lives of women whose husbands were professional mining men.

Book preview

Beyond the Rainbow

A Study of What It Really

Means to Be Gay

Linda D. Rhodes

Austin Macauley Publishers

Beyond the Rainbow

About the Author

Dedication

Copyright Information ©

Acknowledgement

Two Loves

Glossary

Chapter One The Beginning, Patrick’s Story

Vignette: Hadrian, An Emperor In Love

Chapter Two The Olden Days: A Global Memoir

Vignette: Oscar Wilde: 1854–1900

Chapter Three Modern Enlightenment

Vignette: Dr George Duncan (29.7.1930–10.5.1972)

Chapter Four Why Me (You)?

Vignette: Rock Hudson: 17.11.1925 – 2.10.1985

Chapter Five Identity: Who do you (they) think you (they) are?

Vignette: KRJ (b 1974)

Chapter Six The Body Beautiful: Boys, Balls and Body Image

Vignette: RDL b. 1986

Chapter Seven The Future: Intimacy, Marriage and Leadership

Epilogue

In Good Company

Bibliography

About the Author

Linda D. Rhodes was born in Melbourne at a time when homosexuality was deemed both immoral and illegal and was largely kept secret. Her gay cousin, though geographically close, was spoken of reluctantly and she never met him. Subsequently, a lifetime spent married to the notoriously homophobic mining industry meant that she rarely encountered sexual diversity – until a young acquaintance arrived to stay. Faced with his differences and her ignorance, she felt the need to understand and so began her research. The result is a book that tells a story of what it is like to be gay, which answers all the questions a parent might ask when a son comes out and which reveals that a gay life involves a great deal more than rainbows, mardi gras and AIDS.

After a twenty-year career in nursing, much of it in mining towns, Linda undertook an undergraduate degree in psychology. This was followed by a PhD in sociology. Her first book, Two for the Price of One, examined the lives of women whose husbands were professional mining men.

Dedication

To Murray (1936–2016), the cousin who had to hide,

the young gay men who don’t,

and their parents.

Copyright Information ©

Linda D. Rhodes (2021)

The right of Linda D. Rhodes to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781528981644 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781528981651 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2021)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

Acknowledgement

For their encouragement, advice and support during the writing of this work, I would like to thank: Dr Helen Anstey; Dr Penny Atkins; Judith Cohen; Marjorie Coleman; Dr Cherry Gertzel (dec. August 2015); Dr Agnieszka Lowczanin (University of Lodz, Poland); Dr Phillip Moore (Curtin University, Perth); Dr Malgosia Myk (University of Lodz, Poland); Krysztof Chetko (Lodz, Poland); Maryllis Green-Armytage; Margaret Langford; Kay Lee; Carole McGee; Marie Mitchell; Anh Mott; Kristina Nilsson; Helen Pemberton.

And especially, Dr Moira O’Connor (Curtin University, Perth).

For their willingness to tell me their stories, I would like to thank: J.C.; F.P.; M.F.; R.H. and J.C.C.

And especially: D.E.C.; K.R.J.; R.J.G.; A.A.I.; R.D.L. and J.M.R.

Author photo: JMW Concepts & SC Artistry; 5/21 Rudloc Rd. Morely, Perth

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalised on the same day; If a man lays with another man he should be stoned (Leviticus 20:13). We’ve just been interpreting it wrong all these years (Anon).

‘Your sexuality doesn’t define you; it doesn’t change who you are.’ (Pers. Comm 2015).

Two Loves

I dreamed I stood upon a little hill,

And at my feet there lay a ground that seemed

Like a waste garden, flowering at its will

With buds and blossoms. There were pools that dreamed

Black and unruffled; there were white lilies

A few, and crocuses, and violets

Purple or pale, snake-like fritillaries

Scarce seen for the rank grass, and through green nets

Blue eyes of shy peryenche winked in the sun.

And there were curious flowers, before unknown,

Flowers that were stained with moonlight, or with shades

Of Nature’s willful moods; and here a one

That had drunk in the transitory tone

Of one brief moment in a sunset; blades

Of grass that in an hundred springs had been

Slowly but exquisitely nurtured by the stars,

And watered with the scented dew long cupped

In lilies, that for rays of sun had seen

Only God’s glory, for never a sunrise mars

The luminous air of Heaven. Beyond, abrupt,

A grey stone wall. o’ergrown with velvet moss

Uprose; and gazing I stood long, all mazed

To see a place so strange, so sweet, so fair.

And as I stood and marvelled, lo! Across

The garden came a youth; one hand he raised

To shield him from the sun, his wind-tossed hair

Was twined with flowers, and in his hand he bore

A purple bunch of bursting grapes, his eyes

Were clear as crystal, naked all was he,

White as the snow on pathless mountains frore,

Red were his lips as red wine-spilith that dyes

A marble floor, his brow chalcedony.

And he came near me, with his lips uncurled

And kind, and caught my hand and kissed my mouth,

And gave me grapes to eat, and said, ’Sweet friend,

Come I will show thee shadows of the world

And images of life. See from the South

Comes the pale pageant that hath never an end.’

And lo! Within the garden of my dream

I saw two walking on a shining plain

Of golden light. The one did joyous seem

And fair and blooming, and a sweet refrain

Came from his lips; he sang of pretty maids

And joyous love of comely girl and boy,

His eyes were bright, and ’mid the dancing blades

Of golden grass his feet did trip for joy;

And in his hand, he held an ivory lute

With strings of gold that were as maidens’ hair,

And sang with voice as tuneful as a flute,

And round his neck three chains of roses were.

But he that was his comrade walked aside;

He was full sad and sweet, and his large eyes

Were strange with wondrous brightness, staring wide

With gazing; and he sighed with many sighs

That moved me, and his cheeks were wan and white

Like pallid lilies, and his lips were red

Like poppies, and his hands he clenched tight,

And yet again unclenched, and his head

Was wreathed with moon-flowers pale as lips of death.

A purple robe he wore, o’erwrought in gold

With the device of a great snake, whose breath

Was fiery flame: which when I did behold

I fell a-weeping, and I cried, ’Sweet youth,

Tell me why, sad and sighing, thou dost rove

These pleasent realms? I pray thee speak me sooth

What is thy name?’ He said, ‘My name is Love.’

Then straight the first did turn himself to me

And cried, ’He lieth, for his name is Shame,

But I am Love, and I was wont to be

Alone in this fair garden, till he came

Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill

The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.’

Then sighing, said the other, ’Have thy will,

I am the love that dare not speak its name.’

Lord Alfred Douglas, lover of Oscar Wilde

At the trial of Oscar Wilde in 1885, Prosecutor E. F. Gill questioned him regarding this poem written by Lord Douglas, which appeared in The Chameleon (1894). Wilde’s response to Gill’s question regarding what was the love that dare not speak its name provided one of the most memorable moments of a memorable trial.

Glossary

Asexuality: Refers to people who do not feel sexually attracted towards either men or women. Though they may regard someone as physically attractive and even hope for a romantic relationship, they have no desire to act on these feelings in a sexual way.

Berdache: A term derived from French, Italian, Arabic and Persian. Refers to a North American First Nation homosexual who was deemed to be a two-spirit person. Previously considered derogatory but now in common use by white gay men.

Bisexuality: Sexual responsiveness to both sexes.

Cisgender: Describes people whose gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth. A complementary designation to the term transgender.

Cognitive dissonance: The psychological stress that results from holding conflicting ideas or values simultaneously. Research suggests that people are profoundly motivated, consciously or unconsciously, to achieve consonance by reducing the conflict or dissonance – by eliminating or at least suppressing one of the conflicting ideas.

Gaydar: A colloquialism which refers to the intuitive ability of a person to assess the sexual orientation of others as gay, bisexual or heterosexual. Relying largely on non-verbal clues and stereotypes, gaydar implies a particular sensitivity to social behaviours and mannerisms, such as flamboyant body language, voice tone, deportment, occupational choice and grooming habits.

Gay Flamer: An extremely flamboyant and effeminate homosexual. Very bright clothing, loud speech, upbeat attitude. Very, very gay. Easily detected through gaydar. Quite different from an ordinary gay man.

Gay/Homosexual: The term homosexual (gay male) in connection with human behaviour is applied to sexual relations, either overt or psychic, between individuals of the same sex. More specifically, the term gay male defines a man who exclusively has sex with other men and acknowledges to himself and others that he does.

Gender: A concept that describes the ways in which societies determine and manage sex categories. These include the cultural meanings attached to the roles of men and women and the ways in which individuals understand their identities including man, woman, transgender, intersex, and genderqueer. Gender involves social norms, attitudes and activities that society deems more appropriate for one sex than another. Gender is also determined by what an individual feels and does.

Gender Identity: Gender identity refers to who you are – male, female, genderqueer etc.

Gold Star Gay: A gay man who has never slept with a woman.

Heteronormativity: The cultural ideology that perpetuates sexual stigma by denying or denigrating any non-heterosexual form of behaviour, identity, relationship or community.

Heterosexism: The system of beliefs, attitudes and institutional arrangements which reinforce the belief that everyone is or should be heterosexual; that heterosexuality is the only valid and worthwhile form of sexual expression and that relationships between people of the opposite sex are vastly superior to any other lifestyle. The constant idealisation of heterosexism leads people to believe that the expression of heterosexuality is right, just and natural while any other form of sexuality is immoral, unhealthy or inferior.

Homosexuality: A label of sexual orientation that describes romantic attraction to, sexual desire for or sexual behaviour with a person of one’s own sex. The contemporary term ‘gay’ is now preferred.

Homophobia: The fear, dislike or hatred of homosexuals. An irrational and distorted view of homosexuality or homosexual persons, which is expressed through prejudice or general discomfort with homosexuality.

Internalised Homophobia: A set of negative attitudes about homosexuality which is developed during pre-sexual-identification socialisation and is subsequently applied to an individual’s perception of himself.

Lavender Marriage: A male-female marriage in which one or both partners are homosexual or bisexual. Also known as mixed-orientation marriage or a marriage of convenience, the term indicates a marriage which occurs for reasons other than romantic attachment. These may include inheritance, immigration, career or fear of ‘coming out’. Lavender marriages were common in Hollywood, where for most of the twentieth century, to acknowledge one’s homosexuality meant ending one’s career as an actor. Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, Rudolph Valentino and Michael Barrymore were some of the actors of this time who married women in order to maintain a public, heterosexual image. Most such marriages last only a short time before unmet needs precipitate separation.

Lesbian: Women who love women. Same sex activity for women was never proscribed in the same way as for men largely because what was criminalised was an act – sodomy – not an identity – gay or lesbian.

LGBTI: Stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex thus reflecting the inclusive language of respect, integrity and human rights.

Pansexual: Of, relating to or characterised by sexual desire or attraction that is not limited to people of a particular gender, identity or sexual orientation.

Platinum Gay: A gay man who has never had sex with a woman and who was birthed by Caesarian section so has never been anywhere near a vagina.

Queer: Originally a term of abuse but from the 1980s used as an umbrella label for those of alternative sexual orientation. Now used, with pride, for self-identification but mostly replaced by LGBTI.

Sex: The biological characteristics that are used by society to assign individuals to the category of male or female. Most often these traits are chromosomes and genitalia.

Sexuality: The core of our energy, a source of creativity; a mirror of who we are and how we relate to each other.

Sexual Orientation: is about who a person is attracted to and with whom she/he might wish to have a relationship. Sexual orientations include gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual and asexual. More specifically sexual orientation includes: those attracted to mothers of the same gender (aka gay or lesbian or homosexual);

those attracted to individuals of the opposite sex (aka straight or heterosexual

those attracted to both men and women (aka bisexual)

those whose attractions span many alternative gender identities such as male, female, transgender, genderqueer, intersex (aka pansexual or queer)

those unsure of their own sexual orientation (aka questioning or queer)

those for whom sexual attraction for any others is absent (aka asexual)

Sinistrality: left-handedness

Two-Spirit: A contested term with no universal agreement of meaning. Multiple meanings include a pejorative term for a person of mixed Native and non-native blood, ghost haunted, and gay and lesbian.

Transgender: An umbrella term used to describe people whose gender identity or expression does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. A transgender person may, for example, identify as a woman, despite having been born with male genitalia.

Chapter One

The Beginning, Patrick’s Story

We don’t waste people the way white society does. Every person has their gift. (Crow Indian; Roscoe p2)

After five years of silence, you send an email. I am coming to Perth, you say, for the World Series Triathlon. Your message is a surprise. We met in your home town. Ireland, the land of magic, myths and monuments. Galway: a city of castles, conservatism and Catholicism. Many memories: of friendships, generosity of spirit, of Ballindooley Cafe and snow but not many memories of you. And so, when I meet you at the airport I must look, not for a remembered face, but for a bicycle box.

As I wait, I hope that you will recognise me. Indeed, I am surprised to be remembered by you at all. I was merely a visitor in your home town and a slow performer in the running club, while you were a busy university student and an elite athlete. Thus, our paths crossed only at sweaty gatherings in Ballindooley – post-run baps and coffee on the Sunday mornings that you were free from study. But it seems you do remember – or perhaps your need for somewhere to stay simply makes remembering expedient – and you approach me with confidence. I was so afraid that my failure to recognise you would result in embarrassment in the pre-dawn silence of an empty airport hall after all the other passengers had left for their drive to home or hotel. But you see me waiting and stride forward, sliding your bicycle box along the floor. It is the box that does it – there is no-one else with a bicycle box, especially a home-made, green, cardboard bicycle box, and so, despite having no memory of your good looks, I am quite sure it is ‘you’. Welcome to Perth, I say as we head towards the car park.

The hour is late and your flight has been long and tiring so conversation en route is not animated – clearly, you haven’t kissed the Blarney stone, as I have. Little did I know then, that silence is also your trademark and that I would find myself encouraging you to talk for months to come – often with little success but gradually with greater understanding, as you settle into the easy-going environment of Perth. You turn down coffee and cake – an act I will soon recognise as uncharacteristic of you and so I show you to your room and leave you to unpack. With only a rucksack, unpacking will not take you long, but I wonder how you will survive in Perth with so few clothes. I am relieved to discover later, when you extricate your bike from the bicycle box, that you have a few more outfits – wrapped around the gears and protecting the paintwork are some more shorts and T-shirts. No suits and ties but plenty of changes to take you from one race to another.

And so this story begins – with a swim, a cycle and a run.

William’s Story

Born gay: choose to be fabulous (Anon).

Three days after Patrick’s arrival I receive a phone call and, once more, I am surprised. Your cheerful voice asks if you might visit. I’d like to meet Patrick, you say, We are friends. I am startled, for I did not know that Patrick had a friend in Perth. And indeed, it soon becomes apparent that Pat has, in fact, not met the owner of the voice; all conversations thus far, have taken place in cyberspace. You tell me that the two of you made contact through an online running group and you offered to ease the unknown Irishman into the athletic scene in Perth – and there it is, the first secret. Much later I learn that it was actually a dating site that connected you; your shared interest in sports was merely coincidental. And so, although you have not actually met and so are not quite friends, you are also not quite strangers.

You take your caretaker responsibilities seriously and so barely thirty minutes pass before your little blue car pulls up outside and I hear the doorbell ring. When I open the door, you bounce in and I am impressed – a bright young university student exuding confidence and cheerful chatter; only five feet eight inches tall but with a big heart sitting boldly on your sleeve. I invite you inside and soon you and I are friends too.

I am a Gemini, you tell me and so we expect to have much in common.

We have, you say, divided personalities, a characteristic I soon find, is clearly apparent in you but is less evident in me despite our birthdates being only three days apart. I take you upstairs to meet Patrick a Sagittarian, tall, dark, introverted and a master of silence. Opposites, it seems, yet, though thus far unknown to us all, destined for both companionship and courtship – another secret.

Soon the two of you are talking together and it is not long before you are training together and socialising together. As the source of all local sporting knowledge, you take Patrick out for runs, introduce him to athletic groups and competition, find him a job as a swimming teacher and encourage him to enter races. And simultaneously William, you become part of my life too: calling in, collecting Pat, running, swimming, cycling. And then there are the chats. How often the two of you return from an event or a training run and you, especially you, sit at the kitchen table and question and challenge, demanding of me, answers to the meaning of life and acknowledgement of the need to be true to one’s identity. I am puzzled because I have not yet guessed but soon I become aware of omissions, conflicting details and unfinished stories. And I remember now with amusement, that vocally, you danced all over the place, hiding what you really wanted to say, skipping around the real issue – anything to avoid using the word ‘gay’. And as you and I talked, Patrick sat in silence, listening; mute; resolute but not missing a word.

Pat undertook some work for a friend and the next day she rang me.

Do you think Pat might be gay? my friend asked. And his friend William, too.

And suddenly the invisible and the unspoken make sense and I begin to understand. Freed from the conspiracy, the secrets suddenly make their presence felt and in doing so they invite me into a world I do not know.

And so it all began: a new chapter in the lives of three people – strangers brought together by the arrival of one: unanticipated; unsuspecting; unprepared.

My Story

‘If you didn’t know I was gay, you must be the most naive person on the planet’. (2011, Pers. Comm.)

I come from a family, a generation and a time in history which understood homosexuality to be a sin that must be hidden, censured and punished. (Murray, I am so sorry). As I grew up, the difference became, at least in public parlance, ‘a lifestyle choice’ and as such, was again condemned; if mentioned at all, it was talked about in whispers and with a curling upper lip that once again conveyed the appropriate public disapproval. Popular knowledge came only through the words of demonstrative, theatrical foreigners or reports of criminal proceedings. And so, when I realise you are gay, I am confronted by, not only your supposed sins but also the myths of my past. And when you tell me that I must be the most naive person on the planet if I didn’t know you were gay, I am not sure if I should be hurt or merely indignant.

In fact, by the time you tell me, I have suspected for some months but several things have cautioned me against mentioning my presumptions. Firstly, I have assumed it is none of my business. After all, you are both young adults and you are not